Monday, May 29, 2006

...

I spent most of my day today relaxing and watching TV. I know I should focus on my lesson plan for Wednesday's interview, but I just cannot bring myself to finish it - I have been working on it in small chunks, though. You know, whatever I can complete in between games of FreeCell and Spider Solitaire. I cleaned out several cupboards here and tossed a bunch of containers I no longer use. I want my pack/move to go smoothly, so I am trying to eliminate as much as possible as quickly as possible. If my uncle allows me to rent out his townhouse, he may decided to leave his furniture - which could cause a small problem, as I have a large furniture - and lots of it. We'll have to wait and see what my needs will be in the way of housing.

The real estate field is really a buyer's market at this point. I've been looking at my options for rent-to-own and zero down purchases in the Farmington Hills area, as well as A2/Ypsi/Belleville. I am so happy that I have great credit. Some of my friends have wound up in credit card debt (and other debt) from our college years. I've always been one to save money and pay things off early. This just means that I've never really taken vacation trips, other than a weekend away in say, Traverse City or Chicago. I've moved to some interesting places, so I guess that will have to count for something.

I think Jeremy's given up on moving to New Zealand in the next ten years. I already feel as though we are planting roots. Perhaps when we go there on a trip (hopefully in two years if all goes well), we can decide if that is something to kick around again.

...

I have been trying to map out graduate study so that I finish in a couple of years. If I get hired at Country Day, I'd probably attend Oakland or Wayne State, and if I get hired at BHS, I will probably go to U of M or Eastern. I know I could go to any of these, but I want to make sure I am not spending my life driving. I need to get back into Dearborn's (summer) orchestra and begin teaching private percussion lessons again.

...

I think I might throw a house-warming party at the next place I live. I never do that, and I would love to have old friends and new(er) friends over for a visit.

...

Just got a call from my dad. He took my mom to the ER this afternoon - she was really ill this weekend. She is already in poor health, so he took her in, just to make sure it wasn't pneumonia. She's okay - she is getting over some virus going around. She was a mess this morning. Whatever they prescribed is supposed to alleviate pain and prevent the blood vessels in her brain from bursting. I will be driving home tomorrow afternoon to spend time with her and prepare for my interviews on Wednesday.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

...

I helped Jeremy pack and move his belongings yesterday and today. It was sweaty, tiring work, but it is done. One of Jeremy's roommates was totally shocked to see how quickly I operate in those situations. Jeremy had been sorting and boxing his things for hours, but within one hour of my arrival, I had the rest of his stuff boxed and lined up to take to my dad's truck.

Now, I just need to get my life set up and move my stuff.

Went to a barbecue today at my uncle's house. It was such a nice afternoon. Good people. Good conversation. I might be able to rent his townhouse in Ann Arbor.

I can't wait until Jeremy and I are living under the same roof again.

I am going to drive home early tomorrow morning.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

End of a terrific week!

I cannot express how positive this week has been, overall. I have bumped into the guy I've been trying to avoid, but there has been no issue. He doesn't acknowledge me and I don't acknowledge him. Seems to be a good way to go with this, for the moment.

Other things...I had a terrific phone interview today with one school. It is an incredible school. I could be very happy there.

Next week, I have an interview on Wednesday morning, as well as a second interview in the afternoon at the college prep school (I will be teaching a lesson in one of the freshman English classes). I couldn't be more thrilled.

I am ahead of schedule with my school paperwork at my current building.
I am wearing clothes one size smaller than usual - still not where I want to be, but it is much better - the weight is coming off!
I have been very physically active this week. I have been walking and jogging (very little).
Tomorrow I will be helping Jeremy move and then spending some time visiting with him.
Brendan sent me a story he would like critiqued. We had an interesting conversation today about the embarassment of sharing work (I am so glad I am not alone!). I sent him two short stories of mine. I am hoping for some positive feedback.

Jeremy and I have been communicating better than ever lately. He is such a good man. I am so glad I found him, although I was afraid to date him - I was the one that didn't really want to define the relationship at first. I had just gotten past a really emotionally messy year with dating two other people when Jeremy and I started seeing each other. And now, six years later, I am so happy with this man. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

It's late. I should be sleeping. I was going to go to be early and rise early. I just couldn't stop writing tonight.

MV called at almost midnight. He definitely does know me. He had an inkling I'd be up late writing tonight. I hope we can hang out in June.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

...

So, I bumped into the guy today. Another teacher and I went out to lunch, and upon returning, the guy was at one of the doors. The other teacher called to him to hold the door and he did. I hesitated - I really wanted to just walk around to the front of the building, but I decided to stick with the other teacher.

The guy actually held the door for us as we walked in. He didn't say anything, as I think he's been instructed not to initiate conversation, but I did squeak out a 'thank you'. I didn't like saying it, but he did hold the door. I'm just happy that we didn't have some sort of falling out. I guess I expected a certain level of retaliation - maybe his ten days off work was the time for that. My administration hasn't said whether or not this man is in counseling for his behavior. God, I hope so.

Monday, May 22, 2006

...

After I returned from my drum lesson tonight, I decided to walk around my neighborhood. This isn't an uncommon thing; I just decided to go a different route. I stopped off in a cemetery that is nestled among residential property and forest.

I thought it was somewhat of a creepy endeavor, but I went in anyway. I haven't really spent time in a cemetery for several years (there are two old cemeteries in Kalamazoo where I did photography once-in-a-while). This one seemed nearly empty if one was to look solely at the headstones. One of the more prominent markers was on a war soldier's grave. Born 1763. Died 1816. The place was calm - quiet, despite the fact that there is a neighborhood with many young families just beyond the fenceline. It definitely had an M. Night Shyamalan quality to it.

I am considering getting materials to do some grave rubbings, but it might just be easier to do some photography. There are some great trees I can use for shadow. Digital would be the easiest, but I think I will buy some black and white film and a variety of filters for experiments with inset grain and era effect. If only my parents had a dark room in their new house. Perhaps I can build one in my place next year, should Jeremy and I have enough to put a down payment on a condo. I miss making my own prints. Perhaps I should take some photography classes at a community college just for the access to a photo lab.

Is it creepy that I enjoy being in cemeteries? I'm not rolling around on the lawns or anything. Cemeteries are just linked to many positive childhood memories. We used to go to (the old) Maple Grove Cemetery on Ann Arbor Trail when I was little. We did grave rubbings and my dad did a great deal of photography there. Perhaps I should visit it when I stop and see Autumn next time. I don't know, though. My elementary school was torn down and it might be depressing to see the gaping wound that is left within the fenced lawn.

I am such a downer today!

Tomorrow, I have meetings all day and then I am meeting James for dinner. Perhaps I can convince him to bring Noah - for a while last year, we were like the three amigos - well two amigos and me. If only Noah and I could find that friendship that we had. If only he hadn't gone and made things awkward.

Oh, damn. I'm doing it again. No more IF ONLY's!

...

I had a little panic attack today. I went to the center lounge area of my school building to get a cup of water and I almost had a run-in with the guy. I started to open the door, and there he was. I froze for a second and then nearly sprinted down the hall and around a corner. I'm not sure what I am so afraid of...it could be that I don't know if he is going to say or do something horrible to me in retaliation for calling him out on his inappropriate conduct.
I know I have to work with him, but I really don't want him near me. One of the teachers saw me and called me into her office. She said I looked "a bit rattled." She calmed me down and I went on my way.
I like that others are looking out for me. I like that good people are still out there.
I hate that this guy gets to me and makes me feel panic. I want to be indifferent. Why can't that be so?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

...

I survived yet another mind-numbing day in this podunk town. I managed to complete my personal statement of purpose to attach to my graduate school applications. I have some alterations to make for each different school, but I think I've pieced together something insightful that maps out my interest, aptitude, and experience, as well as the long-term implications of my proposed research. Now, I just need to find out which school will give me the best deal (especially since my completed grad work should be helpful in earning/transferring credit for electives within the English field).

Programs I am waiting to hear about:

#1 MA in Comparative Literature from WSU
#2 MA in English Education at UM
#3 MA in English at OU
#4 MA in Literature at EMU
#5 MFA in Creative Writing at UM



Today, I also watched an 80's classic: Trading Places. It never fails to entertain me. I went grocery shopping. I spoke to MP, Reenee, Jeremy, and JD. All-in-all, not a bad day.

...

I slept in until about 9 this morning - not a bad time. Last night I told myself I would go running, but now, all I want to do is sit around. I know about 1/2 a mile in I will start to enjoy what I am doing, but gathering the motivation to go is harder than hell.

I had the dream again in which I lose my teeth. This time, though, only the molars were dropping out. I don't know what causes this dream, but I am eager to find out. Perhaps a shrink or a hypnotist can help with this one. Or maybe it's just time for me to make a dentist appointment.

I hope James calls me today. Maybe we can do something absolutely silly and go fly kites on the beach in South Haven. I am feeling a little odd today.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

...

I called a number of my friends last night and today to schedule something to do. I am just not good when left alone.

MP is probably chasing after some boy.
Reenee is probably working overtime or spending time with her boyfriend.
MV is pretty much a flake. Sometimes I want to hit him - he can be so inconsiderate.
NK is too far away - and plus her hubby is returning home from rehab.
AJO is an absolute pill lately.
MZ mentioned she'd like to go out drinking - perhaps I will call her later this afternoon.
Jeremy is in Minneapolis doing more aviation training for his promotion.
Nate is married now and it would be weird if he came to visit - I think his wife works weekends.
Beck is too busy with her beau. I'm happy for her, but I never get to see her.
Bren is preparing for his wedding.

I called a friend/colleague from work. This week has been the week from hell for her, and I wanted to make sure she is okay. She was out running - something I should be doing, but I don't really have it in me. I never learn. Whenever I consume alcohol, I experience pain in my kidneys the following several days. I think my kidney stone last year really caused some permanent damage as it passed.


I baked a small batch of chocolate chip cookies. I ate a few and then decided it was a bad decision to make food with refined sugar. What I need to do is give away all of my material possessions and live in a hippie commune. I'd eat healthy organic foods and not be so attached to things. Hell, it couldn't hurt to gain more socialist ideals, considering this country seems to be moving more and more in that direction.

I need to do something productive. I am thinking I will read the rest of As I lay Dying, then do some writing (both creative and academic). Afterward (or maybe prior to) I will study more music theory and German. I need to sign up for the teacher certification test for both, so some studying is necessary.

...

Woke fairly early. No hangover - not that that is a surprise; I've never experienced a hangover. I hopped on the internet and just surfed for a little over an hour. I thought I'd be more productive than this. I planned on running, but I didn't have the drive to do it. I can still go, but I'm certain I will come up with a bunch of reasons not to.

I am happy to not have to really do anything today, except relax. I haven't had a weekend like this in a while.

Friday, May 19, 2006

...

Despite my concerns this week, work was actually fairly decent. I was worried about retaliation from a certain somebody, but he was confined to his office by administration. If the rest of the year continues like this, I shall be quite content. Classes, overall, flew right by.

I am eager for summer vacation. I decided not to take grad classes or work during this time. Things have been so crazy in my life these last few years; I just want time to relax, exercise, and get my life situated back in the Detroit area.
Last year, I took a number of classes at Western and Ball State and did well (4.0, baby!), but I don't think I have it in me to do that again. I was in "the zone" working two jobs while I didn't have to teach. At least I know I am capable of surviving a work schedule nightmare such as that again.

I am baking bread this evening for no reason - I just want to something different. I haven't heard back from James about hanging out this week. Maybe I'll just give Carmen a call. Or maybe Noah. Well, maybe not Noah. He might get the wrong idea, especially after last year.
I know - I should give Mike a call and have him visit tomorrow!

--------------------------------------------

My wanting to hang out with people is actually a derivative of my wanting to drink. I know I can drink without others, but it doesn't seem as bad. I have no wine in my apartment anymore. I do have a little bit of Bailey's left. Today feels like a Scotch day, though.

--------------------------------------------

I know, I know. I'm unloading my emotions without producing anything useful.

--------------------------------------------

I like being 25. I like being beyond the age where I am treated as if I don't know anything, although every school year someone thinks I'm a student or a brand new teacher - fresh out of college. I've kept the idealism, which is great when my administrators observe me or when someone comes in to observe for new ideas. It is nice to appear young...sometimes. I hope that I still get carded at 30.

That's enough of that.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

...

Several of my friends have been sending me those survey emails where you will fill in your information and pass them along. I've received the same one now six times. I am trying to resist filling it out, as they tend to make me dwell on things that don't necessarily matter, but I am tempted. Perhaps I will just post one or two here and be done with it.

.............................................

The guy who has been bothering me at work is supposed to return tomorrow, thus ending his suspension. I really don't want to run into him, so I refuse to do hall duty. I covered hall supervision several times this week already. The anxiety is building. I tried to lie down and sleep, but my mind is going a mile a minute. I don't think I've ever felt such panic about going to work - not even when I started teaching (I have a touch of glossophobia, but it has gotten a lot better over the past four years - it's still not gone, though). I am learning that I have to open up about these things. I used to keep stuff bottled up, and that has resulted in a variety of nasty situations and arguments that just should not have happened.

.............................................

One of my students attempted suicide six days ago. I just found out she was in the hospital for five days. I'm glad she is alive and going to school (today was her first day back). This situation conjured up some demons from my past. Luckily, I never reached the point of actually getting the blood to flow uncontrollably - I was always too scared to dig the knives that deep (I did had a favorite knife - It was more a scalpel, though, from a science experiment kit I received as a Christmas gift). I know about the depression, mood disorders, psychological problems. My own suicidal thoughts and behaviors stopped around junior or senior year of high school - pretty much when I started dating steadily. I don't know if these are related - probably, though (maybe self-esteem issues); the times coincide.

I just hope my student finds some way to work through this. I used writing - I still don't open those notebooks, but I do keep them with my other writing. Someday I will open them again. I also am prone to obsessive-compulsive behaviors. At least they aren't violent - I just use these behaviors to clean my living space. What's wrong with living in a germ-free environment?

...........................................

Jeremy told me that I've been saying things totally out of character. Apparently, I am not a "happy, sun-shiny person," but I have been saying volumes about the better side of life. It's not that I am forgetting about those things, I am just attempting to say more about the neglected part of my existence. I am stable, good even. I have good job security, but I am trading it in for a better job over the summer. I am losing weight - correction - my overall weight has not changed significantly, but I am building muscle and losing fat (my clothes are getting too big for me). I have to buy all new dress pants soon! I am writing a lot more. Here, my journal, my notebooks of scripts and fiction. Oh, and at some point, I started writing poetry again. Because I am such a literary snob, I think I will polish them and have Bren give me comments.

..........................................

I think I should try to get some sleep soon. That is, if I can turn off my worrying mind.

...

I have an interview scheduled at one of the Catholic schools in the Detroit area. I am considering calling to cancel. I love teaching in that type of environment, but the salary and the policies will not be helpful to Jeremy and me. I am going to sleep on it, though, and decide whether or not to call and cancel.

Positives: great curriculum, respectful and responsible students, great class size, involved parents, positive atmosphere, Catholic social teaching, conducive to me starting my master's program and going to school in the evenings, extremely professional workplace.

Negatives: not allowed to live with Jeremy (could get fired for "cohabitation"), salary is much lower and public school counterparts, Catholic social teaching, arrogant students who do not feel it is to their benefit to help others, no money for grad school.

Other things to consider: all-boys school (not necessarily positive or negative), farther away than I planned to travel (but highways are everywhere in that area - and this may determine where I do my graduate study; however, with rising gas prices...), belonging to a church (I keep trying to be a true believer - I need all the help I can get), I haven't set up my interviews with other school districts (should be doing this very soon) and I don't want to use up my personal days (hell - I can't even get a personal day for this interview - I might have to call in sick).

I guess the question is would I take the job if offered? I honestly don't know.
It was a struggle financially last year when I worked at a Catholic school. This put a lot of strain on my relationship with Jeremy because I had to work a total of three jobs, just to break even. It will be tough enough with me taking graduate classes. On the flipside, Catholic schools offer such a great venue for teaching. I don't think I've ever taught so much and in so much depth as I did at the Catholic school.

Oh, what to do...

I applied to several other Catholic schools a little closer to where I will be living, and I expect to hear from them very soon.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

...

Drove to my parents' house yesterday night, even though they are out of town this weekend. I did some laundry (yes, theirs, too). I spent today working on an article for a teaching periodical. I was able to finish it by the time Jeremy arrived to take me out to dinner. I was in the zone. It's been a long time since I was so far into the zone. It seems to only happen in my parents' house lately. I suppose it's because I really have no responsibilities here. I don't have to worry about pets or cleaning or packing or any of the stresses that I feel at my apartment.

I have heard from three schools already. I have an interview on Monday (phone interview, anyway), and the other two schools have made contact just to let me know that they are not scheduling interviews for a couple of weeks, but I will be hearing from them later on. Kind of an odd thing to get a call for, but still, it means that I have a decent shot.

I was planning on going out to lunch today with MV, but he totally blew me off. I feel somewhat angry with him, but it's probably for the best. I was able to complete that article and send it to the editor (the deadline is Monday!).

The guy at work who has been harassing me may return next week. I am not pleased.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

...

um...well...thought I wanted to write. Guess I'm not feeling it anymore.
There's so much to say, but I don't have the patience or energy.

Next time, then...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Fractured Me

Yesterday, I met with two administrators in my building.

Over the course of the past month-and-a-half, I (and another woman) have been putting up with harassment from a coworker. I initially thought my comments on professionalism and ethics would be enough. I also felt the spring break would be a nice break for him to reflect and fix some of these concerns. However, when we all returned, he started again. I was very direct and instructed him that his conduct was unprofessional. He makes unacceptable comments about my appearance (usually in a sexual manner) and asks very inappropriate questions about Jeremy's visits, such as "Where does he sleep? With you?" "Don't you need more physical contact?", etc. The list gets even worse. He has said these things in front of many of our coworkers, which embarasses and infuriates me.

He keeps trying to make physical contact with me, mostly with attempts to get a hug (which wouldn't be a big deal if we were friends and we weren't at work - this just isn't the case). I've been trying to rationalize/justify his behavior toward me (and the other woman), which I know is ridiculous.

For the past week-and-a-half, I have been avoiding him by ducking into classrooms if I see him in the hall. Having a master key to the interior doors of my school is empowering, even though in this particular case, it led to me not being so empowered. I snake through the building through the oddly-connected classrooms to get to my office and avoid seeing him.

I had asked the other woman involved about his behavior, and she shared some disturbing information from his interactions with her. In fact, a recent development in her woes was the catalyst that sent me to my supervisors. This man had been harassing her for some time, and she thought the problem had stopped. It turns out that he had just started to bother me instead. Recently, he has returned to harassing her and the most recent situation was pretty bad.

So, this morning - after carefully walking through the building to avoid said man - the superintendent and administrators shared with me that he is on an "extended leave of absence". They met with him yesterday and discussed his behavior. I have no idea if he will return.

The worst part is that I feel guilty and ashamed. I have actually sought help from one of the therapists/counselors (not a guidance counselor - an actual counselor) to figure out my feelings. I've never done that before. Honestly, I have never felt so weak before. My family has never been supportive of getting mental/emotional help. In fact, my father has made fun of people who seek this kind of guidance. I think it is the way he dealt with his confusion about his own mother's schizophrenia.

I feel guilty that this person will most likely have to find a new job. I should not feel like this. I feel as though I am to blame, but I didn't to anything wrong. I am simply one of the whistle-blowers. After talking with our counselor, she explained that I may be misinterpreting my feelings. She asked about my feelings about being a victim. When she said this, an old wound opened and, briefly, poured blood.

I suppose I don’t necessarily feel guilt about the possibility of him not returning to his current job. On the surface, though, it does seem that way. It’s difficult for me to separate my emotions.

I am feeling guilty because I allowed myself to be a victim. I didn’t physically retaliate as I did in the past. I was stunned and didn’t express my thoughts using my incredibly strong personality. I was stern but not loud. Loud probably would have worked. I feel like I must have not said to stop enough. I thought I had said it plenty, but I guess it wasn't stated in a way he could comprehend. I want to tell my parents about this, but I don't know how. I feel like I somehow failed my parents because I needed to talk to a professional about the situation.

When can I just let go of or forget all of the notions and experiences that have fractured me?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

...

I applied for two teaching positions in the Detroit area today.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Faulkner

I have been reading Faulkner's As I Lay Dying. I have read it previously but decided to give it another shot. While I enjoy the sudden shifts in perspective and the stream-of-consciousness approach to his writing, there seems to be something lacking. I picture myself reading a cheap knock-off of The Canterbury Tales. The characters in As I Lay Dying are on a pilgrimage, if you will, but they don't seem to be interacting with one another in a believable manner. I understand this is supposed to emphasize how people detach themselves from the world in the presence of catastrophes and death, but enough is enough. I am halfway through and still don't feel any connection to the family members or townspeople. I have no idea how this book has ever been labeled a "tour de force". The characters, especially the women, don't really convey true human emotion.

I am pretty sure that Faulkner introduced the stream-of-consciousness style of narration (if memory serves correctly), but it's not fluid as most stream-of-consciousness writings are now. This books is severely disjointed. Maybe people in the 1930s didn't think the same way we think now. I find that hard to digest, simply because evolution has not changed our brains that quickly.

I'd love to have you share your thoughts. Please comment and give me something to go on to finish this book.