Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
The Bobs
It seems that several Bobs have been helpful lately. Bob W. has been a shoulder for me to lean on, offering sound advice and positive commentary. Bob H. is going through something similar to what's been going on in my life, although his is much more recent. We talked for a short while today, and it felt really great to talk to someone who could understand what I've been going through. I am so sorry that this year has brought so much misery for so many people. I feel hopeful, though, that something positive will come from all of this.
I vow to not let my health issues hold me back. I will be visiting the doctor more frequently. I think that is necessary at this point in my life.
I vow to find myself suitable employment since I am being laid off at the end of the school year.
I vow to communicate my feelings openly and honestly. Additionally, I need to find a way to process everything that has happened and move forward from it.
I vow to not waste time of things that will not help me advance myself.
I vow to dive deeply into all my grad work.
I vow to fight for what I want in my life.
I vow to not let my health issues hold me back. I will be visiting the doctor more frequently. I think that is necessary at this point in my life.
I vow to find myself suitable employment since I am being laid off at the end of the school year.
I vow to communicate my feelings openly and honestly. Additionally, I need to find a way to process everything that has happened and move forward from it.
I vow to not waste time of things that will not help me advance myself.
I vow to dive deeply into all my grad work.
I vow to fight for what I want in my life.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sunday Morning
I used to have a Sunday morning ritual. I'd wake up from a lengthy slumber with Jeremy at my side. We'd nuzzle and cuddle for nearly an hour before officially starting the day. We'd make our way downstairs for breakfast (sometimes we'd opt to go to Plato's Coney Island). After eating, we'd read PostSecret and talk. I miss that. I never really expressed how wonderful that routine was for me.
This morning, my three alarms sounded before I wanted to wake up. I walked downstairs alone, read PostSecret alone (I realize I haven't read it in months), and then got ready to help Melissa move the contents of her storage unit to her new rental house in Berkley. Unfortunately, the elevator wasn't working today, and she had to change her plans. We did load up some items into her vehicle (Eric ended up taking the Budget truck back to Southfield) and planned for another move time during this next week or over next weekend. All-in-all, it should only take an hour or so to load up the truck, perhaps thirty minutes to drive to the house, and an hour to unload. We also will need to move items for Eric's apartment (where they've been living). I am more than willing to help. I think I will be needing some assistance this summer when I will have to move. I need to spend some time sorting and tossing out items that just don't mean that much to me anymore.
When I came home, I opened windows, straightened the flower bed areas around my place, and bathed the cats. They were happy about the former moreso than the latter. I was able to avoid getting clawed. They bounced back from the excitement rather quickly and are sunning themselves by the back door. I am now going to spend a little chunk of time on things for me. I might play the uke, or go for a walk, or possibly ride my bike. I need to do something non-school-related with the gift of this beautiful afternoon NOT moving someone into their new home.
On the health side of things, my skin is splitting at the corner of my mouth again (well, not again, per se - the other side is splitting now). I feel embarrassed about this, even though it is hardly noticeable and it is just a condition caused by stress, dehydration, and vitamin deficiency. I can understand how those with cold sores and extreme acne (and other visible skin irritations) feel. I have never been plagued with much more than the occasional blemish here and there, and this makes me feel like I am like some hideous monster. The skin will take a while to heal (old, trusty petroleum jelly is best after the area is cleaned properly).
This morning, my three alarms sounded before I wanted to wake up. I walked downstairs alone, read PostSecret alone (I realize I haven't read it in months), and then got ready to help Melissa move the contents of her storage unit to her new rental house in Berkley. Unfortunately, the elevator wasn't working today, and she had to change her plans. We did load up some items into her vehicle (Eric ended up taking the Budget truck back to Southfield) and planned for another move time during this next week or over next weekend. All-in-all, it should only take an hour or so to load up the truck, perhaps thirty minutes to drive to the house, and an hour to unload. We also will need to move items for Eric's apartment (where they've been living). I am more than willing to help. I think I will be needing some assistance this summer when I will have to move. I need to spend some time sorting and tossing out items that just don't mean that much to me anymore.
When I came home, I opened windows, straightened the flower bed areas around my place, and bathed the cats. They were happy about the former moreso than the latter. I was able to avoid getting clawed. They bounced back from the excitement rather quickly and are sunning themselves by the back door. I am now going to spend a little chunk of time on things for me. I might play the uke, or go for a walk, or possibly ride my bike. I need to do something non-school-related with the gift of this beautiful afternoon NOT moving someone into their new home.
On the health side of things, my skin is splitting at the corner of my mouth again (well, not again, per se - the other side is splitting now). I feel embarrassed about this, even though it is hardly noticeable and it is just a condition caused by stress, dehydration, and vitamin deficiency. I can understand how those with cold sores and extreme acne (and other visible skin irritations) feel. I have never been plagued with much more than the occasional blemish here and there, and this makes me feel like I am like some hideous monster. The skin will take a while to heal (old, trusty petroleum jelly is best after the area is cleaned properly).
Saturday, April 25, 2009
"You have a very nice vein."
I've been visiting doctors since I found out I have a vitamin deficiency. I am worried that I may have more problems, simply because the deficiency was quite severe. I visited one today and a technician had to draw blood for several tests.
I should probably share that I am afraid of needles. That doesn't quite convey the fear. I would say it is definitely belonephobia (needle-phobia). I can't think of needles without starting to hyperventilate. I often start shaking and my arms sort of roll up into my chest. I have fought doctors and nurses who have attempted to extract blood, as well as those who have tried to insert IVs so that I can feel relief from excessive pain (kidney stones), although I would have to say that I have become better equipped to "deal" with the problem. I have asked to be held down before so that I cannot fight. Jeremy has also been helpful (he tries to distracting me) in the past.
So, today while sitting in the room waiting for the inevitable experience, the technician made small talk. She was a very nice woman. She asked me to straighten my arm and rest it on the little arm rest of the specially-designed chair. I did. I looked away. I can't handle seeing any of the darn pointy things that will be used. She was quiet for a moment and then said, "You have a very nice vein. I think I will use that one."
I had to laugh, well, as much as I could with the impending blood extraction looming before me. I have never before been told I have a nice vein, so it struck me. I relaxed a little. She cleaned the area and then tied the rubber thing around my upper arm (I don't know what it looked like or anything - I just kept looking away.) She told me that I might feel a little pinch.
I felt the needle touch my skin, but there wasn't the pain I have felt during all other times. Before I knew it, the experience was over, and vial of my blood was resting on the little tray. I was so appreciative of the care that she took, given my overwhelming fear (my palms were sweaty and I was starting to hyperventilate). I felt compelled to compliment her ability to do that without causing pain. She said that that made her day.
This week is strange - I had a great week of teaching, found out I am losing my job at the end of the year, received a present from Jeremy's trip to Germany, calmed Jeremy down after he found someone dented and scratched his brand new vehicle, walked around at Newburgh Pointe and listened a variety of musicians camped out by the water (hmm...maybe it's time to break out the ukulele there), went to the doctor, "handled" getting my blood drawn, cried in public, and was complimented about the nice, big, blue vein in my right arm.
I am feeling angry, though, at the world. I am anti-social. I am afraid of taking out my frustrations on the wrong people. I am avoiding everything, except my health, because I don't know how to deal with my life right now.
I should probably share that I am afraid of needles. That doesn't quite convey the fear. I would say it is definitely belonephobia (needle-phobia). I can't think of needles without starting to hyperventilate. I often start shaking and my arms sort of roll up into my chest. I have fought doctors and nurses who have attempted to extract blood, as well as those who have tried to insert IVs so that I can feel relief from excessive pain (kidney stones), although I would have to say that I have become better equipped to "deal" with the problem. I have asked to be held down before so that I cannot fight. Jeremy has also been helpful (he tries to distracting me) in the past.
So, today while sitting in the room waiting for the inevitable experience, the technician made small talk. She was a very nice woman. She asked me to straighten my arm and rest it on the little arm rest of the specially-designed chair. I did. I looked away. I can't handle seeing any of the darn pointy things that will be used. She was quiet for a moment and then said, "You have a very nice vein. I think I will use that one."
I had to laugh, well, as much as I could with the impending blood extraction looming before me. I have never before been told I have a nice vein, so it struck me. I relaxed a little. She cleaned the area and then tied the rubber thing around my upper arm (I don't know what it looked like or anything - I just kept looking away.) She told me that I might feel a little pinch.
I felt the needle touch my skin, but there wasn't the pain I have felt during all other times. Before I knew it, the experience was over, and vial of my blood was resting on the little tray. I was so appreciative of the care that she took, given my overwhelming fear (my palms were sweaty and I was starting to hyperventilate). I felt compelled to compliment her ability to do that without causing pain. She said that that made her day.
This week is strange - I had a great week of teaching, found out I am losing my job at the end of the year, received a present from Jeremy's trip to Germany, calmed Jeremy down after he found someone dented and scratched his brand new vehicle, walked around at Newburgh Pointe and listened a variety of musicians camped out by the water (hmm...maybe it's time to break out the ukulele there), went to the doctor, "handled" getting my blood drawn, cried in public, and was complimented about the nice, big, blue vein in my right arm.
I am feeling angry, though, at the world. I am anti-social. I am afraid of taking out my frustrations on the wrong people. I am avoiding everything, except my health, because I don't know how to deal with my life right now.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Teaching
Does anyone know of any available teaching positions? It seems that I will not have a job after June. I'm having a rough day.
Better
I am starting to find myself again, as angry as I am about life. The repair process will take much longer than anticipated and will be full of moments that just don't make any sense, but things are getting better.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
ANGER
I have some anger issues I need to work out. I don't want to make anyone a target, so I've mostly been keeping to myself. I feel stressed and frustrated about where my life is headed. This is nothing new; I am simply in touch with my feelings in a way that I haven't been for some time. I think it is important to stay away from people, as much as possible, so that I can allow myself the time and attention to process these feelings, rather than bottling them up. Bottling them lead to the last big disaster of my life, and I don't wish to repeat history.
Along with this anger comes a very strong sadness. I feel a loss that is so deep that I don't know how to stomach it.
I think a lot of things hit me this year, and I didn't know how to approach any of them. I was so overwhelmed with emotions and physical ailments that I just sort of flipped out. I am angry with myself for letting these thing happen to me and even more angry at myself for acting out in ways that were inappropriate for the situation I was in.
I can feel myself coming back to center, but the view is entirely different. I am not the person I was. I am not the person I was before things fell apart. I am someone else. I dislike defining moments for their very nature shakes my already unstable ground. I am angry. I am full on tension. I am unsure of many steps ahead, although the next few seem incredibly clear. So, I need to focus only on completing those next few steps (no, this is not an AA thing). Once those are done, I can move on to the next.
Along with this anger comes a very strong sadness. I feel a loss that is so deep that I don't know how to stomach it.
I think a lot of things hit me this year, and I didn't know how to approach any of them. I was so overwhelmed with emotions and physical ailments that I just sort of flipped out. I am angry with myself for letting these thing happen to me and even more angry at myself for acting out in ways that were inappropriate for the situation I was in.
I can feel myself coming back to center, but the view is entirely different. I am not the person I was. I am not the person I was before things fell apart. I am someone else. I dislike defining moments for their very nature shakes my already unstable ground. I am angry. I am full on tension. I am unsure of many steps ahead, although the next few seem incredibly clear. So, I need to focus only on completing those next few steps (no, this is not an AA thing). Once those are done, I can move on to the next.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
CLEAR THINKING
I am using my evenings this week to examine a few things, and I've come to some conclusions.
1. I want to have my own children. I don't want to adopt. I don't want to miss out on the experience of raising a family that is my own flesh and blood.
2. I want to feel that I have a respectable career - and I want to feel that whomever I end up with is proud of me for my career. Additionally, I would like to be employed within the school district I could later retire from within the next two years.
3. I want to travel the world. I want to be a part of the the global community, not just the American community.
4. I want to finish my master's degree by this time next year.
5. I want to pursue my doctorate within the next four years.
6. I would like to buy a house within the next four years.
7. I want someone who will make me smile every day.
8. I want someone who will not feel that he needs to compete with me for who had the more stressful or important day.
9. I want someone who will make me laugh.
10. I need someone who will take care of his own responsibilities. I have no issue with sharing responsibilities, but I refuse to take care of someone else if he won't take care of me.
11. I want someone who is capable of communicating his feelings and will not push me away or ignore me when I have feelings I need to communicate.
12. I want to be with someone with whom I can "lose" myself.
13. Whomever I have the privilege of being with needs to love animals, particularly my animals.
14. I need to be with someone with whom there is undeniable attraction and chemistry.
15. I need to be with someone who continuously seeks to improve himself through life experiences and academics.
16. I deserve to be treated like a queen sometimes, just as I would hope to treat someone like he is a king at times.
17. I will continue performing in the band, as well as the percussion ensemble.
18. I will continue meeting other ukulele players, and we will hopefully set up some local performances.
19. Eventually, I want a piano again - the keyboard just isn't the same.
20. I want to be with someone who will see me as a riddle and spend the rest of his life trying to figure me out.
21. I refuse to follow anyone again without both of us agreeing to go somewhere else based on mutual desire to go.
22. I need to spend more time reading to better acquaint myself with the human experiences that I have missed while I've been avoiding the world.
23. I need to write a lot more.
24. I want to be with someone who is comfortable strutting / dancing with me in the grocery store.
25. I want to feel loved more than anything else in the world.
26. I need to take much better care of myself than I do. I can't believe how out of control my behavior, emotions, and health were before visiting the doctor.
27. I truly miss someone more than anyone could ever imagine me missing anyone or anything. It feels like part of my soul is missing.
28. I need time to process all of this.
1. I want to have my own children. I don't want to adopt. I don't want to miss out on the experience of raising a family that is my own flesh and blood.
2. I want to feel that I have a respectable career - and I want to feel that whomever I end up with is proud of me for my career. Additionally, I would like to be employed within the school district I could later retire from within the next two years.
3. I want to travel the world. I want to be a part of the the global community, not just the American community.
4. I want to finish my master's degree by this time next year.
5. I want to pursue my doctorate within the next four years.
6. I would like to buy a house within the next four years.
7. I want someone who will make me smile every day.
8. I want someone who will not feel that he needs to compete with me for who had the more stressful or important day.
9. I want someone who will make me laugh.
10. I need someone who will take care of his own responsibilities. I have no issue with sharing responsibilities, but I refuse to take care of someone else if he won't take care of me.
11. I want someone who is capable of communicating his feelings and will not push me away or ignore me when I have feelings I need to communicate.
12. I want to be with someone with whom I can "lose" myself.
13. Whomever I have the privilege of being with needs to love animals, particularly my animals.
14. I need to be with someone with whom there is undeniable attraction and chemistry.
15. I need to be with someone who continuously seeks to improve himself through life experiences and academics.
16. I deserve to be treated like a queen sometimes, just as I would hope to treat someone like he is a king at times.
17. I will continue performing in the band, as well as the percussion ensemble.
18. I will continue meeting other ukulele players, and we will hopefully set up some local performances.
19. Eventually, I want a piano again - the keyboard just isn't the same.
20. I want to be with someone who will see me as a riddle and spend the rest of his life trying to figure me out.
21. I refuse to follow anyone again without both of us agreeing to go somewhere else based on mutual desire to go.
22. I need to spend more time reading to better acquaint myself with the human experiences that I have missed while I've been avoiding the world.
23. I need to write a lot more.
24. I want to be with someone who is comfortable strutting / dancing with me in the grocery store.
25. I want to feel loved more than anything else in the world.
26. I need to take much better care of myself than I do. I can't believe how out of control my behavior, emotions, and health were before visiting the doctor.
27. I truly miss someone more than anyone could ever imagine me missing anyone or anything. It feels like part of my soul is missing.
28. I need time to process all of this.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The End of Holiday
So, the end of my vacation is almost here. I managed to:
read a couple of novels for grad school
complete my panel discussion paper
attend rehearsals all week
perform incredibly well at my concert
help Jeremy get his trip to Germany squared away (despite being really jealous)
apply for jobs
hang out with friends I usually don't get to see
finish a group project, including an online chat with a group of people with conflicting schedules
have a few really deep conversations
escape the stress of teaching for a while
buy Idiocracy, Lost in Translation, and Rain Man
watch Idiocracy and The X-Files
clean a chunk of my home
start eating healthy again
garden a little bit
talk on the phone a lot
become emotional and allow myself to express what I am truly feeling
listen to a great band
play the ukulele and write a few songs (I can finally write songs about someone - who knew that it was possible!?!)
sleep a lot
read a couple of novels for grad school
complete my panel discussion paper
attend rehearsals all week
perform incredibly well at my concert
help Jeremy get his trip to Germany squared away (despite being really jealous)
apply for jobs
hang out with friends I usually don't get to see
finish a group project, including an online chat with a group of people with conflicting schedules
have a few really deep conversations
escape the stress of teaching for a while
buy Idiocracy, Lost in Translation, and Rain Man
watch Idiocracy and The X-Files
clean a chunk of my home
start eating healthy again
garden a little bit
talk on the phone a lot
become emotional and allow myself to express what I am truly feeling
listen to a great band
play the ukulele and write a few songs (I can finally write songs about someone - who knew that it was possible!?!)
sleep a lot
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Decisions
I have decisions to make, and I am not sure if I am in a place to make the right decisions just yet. I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there.
On the bright side of things, I did finish my paper for grad school. I finished earlier than I thought I would. It is full of research and commentary. I hope to revise it tonight after my concert. I also already completed my group project and posted it on the emich and wikispace pages.
The other things I need to accomplish this weekend:
Read A Tale of Two Cities
Create lesson plans for German 1 and English Honors 9 (for the last six weeks of school)
Write the English 9 and German 1 final exams
Grade papers
Enter grades
Post progress report grades
Perform in my concert tonight at 8 (Call is 7 PM)
Exercise
Do laundry
Clean my living room
Sort papers from grad school
Call Jason
Email Cathy about Monday
Continue to count calories
Plan and make lunches for the week
Scrub my kitchen
Water plants
Work on flowerbeds
Clear out donation items and junk
Clean bedroom and straighten up bathroom and landing area
Straighten shoes
Go to the ATM
Start organizing and storing teaching materials for the summer
Apply for jobs
Print and organize ukulele music (Uke meeting Tuesday of this week!!!)
and so much more!
On the bright side of things, I did finish my paper for grad school. I finished earlier than I thought I would. It is full of research and commentary. I hope to revise it tonight after my concert. I also already completed my group project and posted it on the emich and wikispace pages.
The other things I need to accomplish this weekend:
Read A Tale of Two Cities
Create lesson plans for German 1 and English Honors 9 (for the last six weeks of school)
Write the English 9 and German 1 final exams
Grade papers
Enter grades
Post progress report grades
Perform in my concert tonight at 8 (Call is 7 PM)
Exercise
Do laundry
Clean my living room
Sort papers from grad school
Call Jason
Email Cathy about Monday
Continue to count calories
Plan and make lunches for the week
Scrub my kitchen
Water plants
Work on flowerbeds
Clear out donation items and junk
Clean bedroom and straighten up bathroom and landing area
Straighten shoes
Go to the ATM
Start organizing and storing teaching materials for the summer
Apply for jobs
Print and organize ukulele music (Uke meeting Tuesday of this week!!!)
and so much more!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Jeremy called to ask me for a backpack that he will need during his Germany trip. He will be by in a few minutes to pick it up on his way to the airport.
I hope he and Mike have a wonderful time, drinking and sightseeing. I wish I were going on the trip with Jeremy, but that's not really a possibility at this point. Oh, how I wish it were.
I hope he and Mike have a wonderful time, drinking and sightseeing. I wish I were going on the trip with Jeremy, but that's not really a possibility at this point. Oh, how I wish it were.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter
Is today a day of rebirth? Or is it a day of resurrection?
I understand what it all means in a religious context, but I try to use religious holidays to reflect on my own life even though I would not say that I am "religious."
I would enjoy the opportunity to start anew, but that is just not how life works. Well, maybe if I altered my appearance, left all of my "old" life behind, and moved away never to return. I could be absolutely anyone I wanted to be. However, this is not really a true possibility, because I am already imbued with all sorts of values and expectations that would never truly cease to exist within me. Even in cases of amnesia, patients often continue with behaviors and practices that might feel foreign to them - these are remnants of who or what they had experienced prior to the amnesiac experience. The body remembers and, thus, they are not "blank slates."
As far as resurrection, one would return as they were before. So, if I were to experience some sort of resurrection, I would simply return to behavioral patterns or emotional responses that were there before. Believe me, there is a part of me that yearns for this. I want to recapture something that may not be possible. Even though I do feel things for someone different, I miss Jeremy. He makes me laugh. He is that person with whom I still envision my future. I'm certain this is normal after such a long relationship. I long for the days in which we were so good to each other - when we were just trying to make something of ourselves so that we could be what the other needed most. We had never reached that point of "enough is enough" (even when things had gone south before) until someone else stepped into the picture at a time that I was truly vulnerable. I was experiencing some serious medical problems that did affect my behavioral drastically, and I lacked the ability to cope with what was happening within myself, as well as what was happening in my life. I did my best to hide and avoid dealing with what was happening to me.
Others could argue that the feelings I am experiencing for Tony are part of a resurrection, as well. He was someone I recognized as a kindred spirit of sorts in my past. He saw the world differently from most people - and I always felt like he could see whatever point I was trying to make. The vast majority of people have failed to understand my logic. He has retained that childlike approach to new things, and I am drawn to that. He is inquisitive and kind, and I am curious. I feel special when I am around him, and I don't want to stop this feeling. I don't know that it will grow into anything serious just yet, but there is possibility.
So, today, I don't know what I should be considering - running off to, say, Germany and being who I would be there or resurrecting something here.
Or, maybe, I should lean toward fusion of both and try a new relationship with a different person based on the resurrection of romantic expectations.
I understand what it all means in a religious context, but I try to use religious holidays to reflect on my own life even though I would not say that I am "religious."
I would enjoy the opportunity to start anew, but that is just not how life works. Well, maybe if I altered my appearance, left all of my "old" life behind, and moved away never to return. I could be absolutely anyone I wanted to be. However, this is not really a true possibility, because I am already imbued with all sorts of values and expectations that would never truly cease to exist within me. Even in cases of amnesia, patients often continue with behaviors and practices that might feel foreign to them - these are remnants of who or what they had experienced prior to the amnesiac experience. The body remembers and, thus, they are not "blank slates."
As far as resurrection, one would return as they were before. So, if I were to experience some sort of resurrection, I would simply return to behavioral patterns or emotional responses that were there before. Believe me, there is a part of me that yearns for this. I want to recapture something that may not be possible. Even though I do feel things for someone different, I miss Jeremy. He makes me laugh. He is that person with whom I still envision my future. I'm certain this is normal after such a long relationship. I long for the days in which we were so good to each other - when we were just trying to make something of ourselves so that we could be what the other needed most. We had never reached that point of "enough is enough" (even when things had gone south before) until someone else stepped into the picture at a time that I was truly vulnerable. I was experiencing some serious medical problems that did affect my behavioral drastically, and I lacked the ability to cope with what was happening within myself, as well as what was happening in my life. I did my best to hide and avoid dealing with what was happening to me.
Others could argue that the feelings I am experiencing for Tony are part of a resurrection, as well. He was someone I recognized as a kindred spirit of sorts in my past. He saw the world differently from most people - and I always felt like he could see whatever point I was trying to make. The vast majority of people have failed to understand my logic. He has retained that childlike approach to new things, and I am drawn to that. He is inquisitive and kind, and I am curious. I feel special when I am around him, and I don't want to stop this feeling. I don't know that it will grow into anything serious just yet, but there is possibility.
So, today, I don't know what I should be considering - running off to, say, Germany and being who I would be there or resurrecting something here.
Or, maybe, I should lean toward fusion of both and try a new relationship with a different person based on the resurrection of romantic expectations.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Absurdism at its Best
I plan to pair this or another similar piece with a text I studied for class. It might be a little over the top and obvious than the absurdism in the text, but it demonstrates the notion in a fairly short period of time.
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