Tuesday, June 30, 2009

It's a Tuesday.

Either terrible dreams are returning to me or I am returning to them; I haven't decided my perspective on this yet. It's an uncomfortable start to a day when I already feel anxiety without true provocation. I decided that cleaning would be a fantastic activity this morning. I am sort of let my kitchen go, and it is full of clutter. Laundry needs to be washed. I like to work on things concurrently, so I have Tilex breaking up soap scum in the bathtub while I put dishes in the dishwasher, which I will start once the first load of laundry is in the dryer and I am scrubbing the tub. I've already cleaned all electronics, mirrors, and windows - the windows I cleaned before I opened them to air out my place.

It's amazing how quickly time is progressing. Exactly one week ago, I was entering the Adult ESL office in Walled Lake to interview for a part-time teaching position. Carolyn interviewed right before me, and I hoped that both of us would be offered the two positions.

Now, I am faced with cleaning up my home while focusing on leaving. I am pitching many things. I need to post some of them on the Western Wayne (MI) Freecycle group so that other people may enjoy / use the things I haven't touched in so long.

My parents asked what I might like this year for my birthday. It seemed a bit early, but I think they were considering getting me something for my home. I could really use a new couch, to be honest. I'm certain that they would "surprise" me with this. I am notoriously practical, and I tend to ask for things I would just buy for myself anyway. In fact, my laptop was more of an extravagant purchase. I have a desktop, but with grad school, it has been somewhat unreliable. It does not stay connected to the internet well, nor does it progress through functions the way it used to. It is still a decent computer, but 2002 was a long time ago, and I need to be embracing new technology not only in my classroom but also in my regular life. I think I might ask for little things like pill boxes (I have to take a lot of vitamins and supplements, but not all every day). I like keeping track of things like this as it helps me to process information and forces me to remember the day before in greater detail, but I think it might be okay to give in to more regimented practices. I will probably end up buying one this week or something, though. That's just who I am.

Well, I just heard the end of the washer cycle. I am back to cleaning. I want to have at least one room done by the time I leave for my cousin's graduation dinner tonight.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

German Festival

I spent the afternoon and evening at German Park Recreation Center. I enjoyed a decent German Weissbier and talked with some people I had never before met. I learned that one works with my friend Will at Costco. We talked a little bit.

I spent time with my parents and my father's friends. It's somewhat strange to see him with his buddies, so I just sat back and observed. I can tell that he thoroughly enjoys these people.

I decided to get up and wander around. I called several people. Some answered; some didn't. I looked at the crowd from a distance and let the scene go silent in my head.

After a while, I began walking back to my parents. I saw someone who looked like a girl I had not seen in 15 years. I decided to approach. I asked if her name is Janelle, and she studied my face as she answered yes. I gave her my name and she asked if I used to have blond hair. It's been a long time since I had blond hair. My hair turned darker toward the end of middle school. We briefly talked, and I returned to my parents happy that someone I used to know was at a random German festival.

The world felt much smaller today, much more manageable.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Progress

I really do think everything is going to be alright now.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The End

I lied. I lied to protect what I thought was working with Jeremy and me. I lied about talking to Tony online and on the phone. I withheld the fact that Tony was at the bar and at Joe's party.

I had decided to enter discussion to fix what went wrong in my relationship with Jeremy. We seemed to be getting along quite well. I was hopeful because we hadn't drifted too far apart. I had every intention of focusing on that, but I couldn't seem to shake thoughts about Tony. I even tried to get Jeremy to demonstrate those qualities that I never before knew I needed, as well as ones I always knew I needed, that Jeremy has never really been able to do. He was even willing to try, but for some reason, I couldn't be patient enough. I couldn't trust that he wasn't going to revert back to what drove me away. In addition to this, I have days in which I am borderline insane. This is not an attempt to be cute; it is a truth I've been withholding from many people. I am having some emotional issues, perhaps as a combined result of a traumatic and emotionally charged break-up and medical problems that seemed to hit a climax at the same time. I am still reeling from both, despite some drastic changes, so it is difficult to make progress and fix me. At times, I am able to slow down and get myself in order, but these moments don't last very long.

I responded to messages, thinking that maybe it would be okay (knowing, deep down, that it wouldn't be) - simply because I was avoiding being around Tony in a physical space. I figured the feelings would drift into the background, and they would be no big deal. I hadn't seen him in person in at least a month-and-a-half, and when I did, the feelings were still there. The only difference was that I was experiencing a sensation that I can only liken to that of drowning. I struggled to keep my bearings in our conversation at our table. I wanted to open up to someone and tell what I was feeling, but I was met with a message that I just enjoy the drama. I really thought that this person would truly understand some of what I was experiencing. I can usually hide how deeply I am hurting. I hope I hid it well that night.


Jeremy, if you happen to be reading this...I'm sorry. I know that nothing I say will ever make up for hurting you, for lying to you again, for making you feel like I am a terrible human being. I never meant to put you through this. I never meant to feel what I am feeling. I wanted to believe that you and I could get through anything. I was selfish. I was careless with your heart. I was too weak to give you what you required. I am sorry. I've destroyed every ounce of trust you ever had in me. I've obliterated everything that we once shared.

When Tony contacted me about his incident at work, I felt a surge of panic I didn't know how to avoid.

I truly hope we can be civil to each other. I hope that we both will get through this and heal. You didn't deserve any of this, and I never meant for it to happen.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Lousy Day

I had another day that just didn't feel worth the effort. To top it off, a friend sent me a rather nasty message to tell me he thinks I am a terrible friend because I didn't call him over the past few months. I had sent him messages, but he felt that communicating on something like Facebook was somehow less than good enough for him (keep in mind - he sent me this message through Facebook). Apparently, he feels that I am low enough for Facebook, though.

I hate when friendships need so much work. He claimed that he would have been supportive and yada yada yada. The fact is that he never called and he knew that my life was falling apart around me. He knew this because I had told him, in person. He sent me a message to call him a week later, but I couldn't do anything during that week - I had too many things going on in my life, not to mention feeling my life come apart at the seams.

He wrote that he needs time to cool off, so I should call him later on. I don't know how much time he needs.

This feels so stupid. Friends are friends when they can be. Josh told me that true friends are the ones who will listen to you time and time again when everything falls apart. They will listen and be kind and not kick you when you're down. They won't try to pawn you off on to someone else. When Josh's fiancee left him, he was distraught for months. His friends listened and let him heal and didn't give him commentary about how he had made wrong choices in the relationship.

E. made comments and then claims he would have been supportive. That's complete garbage.

True, I didn't call him and ask if he and his wife wanted to get together. I wasn't in a place to do that. A true friend would have realized this - not only because of my break-up, but also because I was having some health and behavior problems. Grad school and working were the only things I could try to keep stable. And we all know what happened with my district this year.

So, I am having a lousy day. I am trying not to let his negative comments get to me, but the words sting and I am a lot weaker than I used to be. I can't stop crying. I so desperately want to talk to someone about this, but it's late, and I don't want to continue to run to others when I need help. I have to find a way to deal with this on my own. I just don't think I can do it.

I just deleted three paragraphs. I just can't let you in to the rest of what I am experiencing.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Respite

I need a respite from my life. I feel overwhelmed again.

I wasn't offered the Ann Arbor job. I know that they interviewed many people for the job, but it still sucks that I wasn't at the top of their list.

I met with my graduate adviser today. Everything seems aligned finally. I am all set to graduate next winter, that is, if I do well in my courses (which I am fairly certain I will).

I have no idea what I am going to do for work.