Sunday, August 29, 2010

Chipped away

All those pieces of myself that either I or J chipped away (through intentional or unintentional means) are starting to return.

I am writing every day now, even if it is only a short piece here and there. I play the ukulele daily. I think about poetry and storytelling and all the things I want to do to help others embrace what it means to be a creative person.

I am feeling ambitious and driven again. I rarely feel like sitting on the sidelines.

I feel political and have enjoyed a few rallies over the past several months.

I am working on a few home improvement projects that my uncle is still not aware of. That's fine, though, because I am improving this run-down place.

I am communicating my feelings instead of letting them control me and lead me to food.

I have taken it upon myself to visit several doctors. I still have more who I need to see, but I am doing much better.

I am making new friends.

I am moving on from old friends and old irritations.

I am trying to come up with a plan to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.

I am learning more about myself and how I deal with men.

---------------------------------------------------------

I called C today to let him know that his phone dialed me last night. It happens frequently when his phone is in his pocket. We joke and say either his ass misses me or his pocket called. We had a short conversation while he walked around a store. He seems to understand how my routine will drastically change and how I've been trying to prepare for it. We'll probably return to the 4 a.m. phone calls like I used to receive last year when he was just trying to keep in touch.

I still consider it a little weird to be in a flirtatious situation with him. We didn't always get along. In fact, I was convinced that he hated me when we were younger. High school didn't really create a strong bond between us, either. I suppose it was going our separate ways and reconnecting through a mutual friend that made us realize that we both probably missed out on a good friend in the past. He has turned out to be that, many times over. As far as something more, who knows? Time will tell.

We're not even comfortable telling our mutual friends that something is kind of going on, mainly because we don't want input from others. It feels like sneaking around, but it also feels like something that is specifically ours if we want it. There is one mutual friend who knows, though, but she is one of the most supportive people I have ever known. She listens without judgment. I'm not sure if C is aware that she knows just about everything there is to know on the subject, but I am aware that he has mentioned something to her, as well. If things work out, then I'm certain I will share that. If not, I don't have to deal with people speculating on the whole thing. No one else really needs to know.

The Saga Continues

I still see J from time to time. As he gets his weight and life under control again, I see more and more of the person he used to be. He speaks to me the way he used to. He works toward goals he seemed to have forgotten. He makes jokes and lives life to the fullest. I was hoping he'd make a return visit a long time ago, but life and circumstances get in the way. Who knows what I am supposed to do with the knowledge of his return!?!

A is getting set for some new directions in his life, which means change. He quit smoking in the spring/early summer. He's doing great with that. He seems to have adjusted without any major issue, which seems absolutely crazy because he's been a smoker for over fifteen years. He's attending college for the first time this fall, which I think scares and excites him. We hang out from time to time, but it's always stilted and tense until we are alone. We fight the attraction for a while, and then it's there, overpowering both of us. We kiss and then start a frustrating round of explaining our way out of the situation.

The most recent addition to this mess I created will be referred to as C. He and I haven't seen much of each other this summer. It started out strong. It started out with lots of excitement, but I think he was hoping that I would let sex be an option in a casual dating scenario. I thought he knew me better than that. Or perhaps he though he could be the one to change me. I can't be certain. We've had several rounds of tense arguments, not speaking for several days here and there. This week, he told me he met someone who he wanted to date. I thought he had called things off with me. I was hurt, but it was fine. Then he called me the following night get together. We still aren't being clear with each other. I don't know what to make of this situation that we are both irritated by but won't leave alone. We could go back to being friends. That would be fine, but it doesn't seem to be shifting back the way I thought it would. At this point, C is all you get. It is not in reference to his name, although one of you out there knows all about this C.

An old friend has been asking me a lot about my Saturday nights. Since the spring, he has asked for eight different nights. It didn't dawn on me that this could be a pseudo-romantic thing. I wasn't able to go because of my schedule, but now I just want to avoid the whole thing. I do not see him that way, and although he has not expressed any clear and direct interest in dating, the warning signs are there.

A new friend and I have been getting to know each other. M doesn't have a lot of friends in the area, and I've recently lost a couple of friends, so it's a nice fit. I'm hoping to actually start hanging out with him soon. We've talked to each other as part of a larger group, but it would be nice to not have to yell over performing bands. If, over time, I find that I like him, then great. If I only see him as a friend, then great. I am open to possibility, but mostly, I want friends. I need friends.

S asked me out a month ago, and I turned him down. I haven't spoke with him since that happened. I just want to avoid the situation repeating itself.

N hasn't returned my call from last week. When I turned him down in June, he didn't take it too well. I gave him space, but he we haven't yet talked on the phone. I wanted to give him time to deal with the rejection so that we can be friends again. I just want to talk to my friend.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Two Dollars, revisited

I received a package in the mail today that included the wedding planning book, a replacement picture frame place holder (mine had been taken by someone else at the wedding. I know who took it, but I don't want to say on here, as it might upset people to know that their friends "lifted" something and denied it later when I confronted said person), and a letter.

It made me sad and relieved at the same time. The letter was well-written. Kind. Direct. It expressed thanks for all the things that we shared that were positive.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Daydream, Actually

I have this strange daydream...

I visit some event in the area. I am with friends, different ones at different times.


Lately, I daydream this friend is Marco. We visit Eastern Market on some random late summer or early autumn Saturday morning when it's cool enough to smile in the building sunshine and yet it's still warm enough to walk around in my capri pants and a regular T-shirt, a stunning no-frills combination.

We saunter, taking pictures that we both tell ourselves might someday be something others want to buy. Contemporary images of a time-honored tradition. Off-center, color-saturated, deep and meaningful in a way that we have to argue to lay claim on some starving artist notion of what beauty truly is. We collect our imaginary money and thank imaginary people for their accolades.

We goof around, climbing stacks of pallets and other debris with our arms raised high in triumph, sampling a few of our agricultural finds, laughing and making faces at each other with dabs of blueberries on our teeth. Sometimes, it's grapes. Sometimes, I peel the grapes and spit chunks at Marco. And then, we laugh some more. I talk wildly with my hands, finally giving in to who I am and loving that I talk wildly with my hands. My playful teasing only bringing on more laughter and discussion of what a beautiful and perfect day it is because it is just that.

We visit the meat and fish market. I share that I'm a vegetarian, but we watch the men throwing fish into the ice inside the displays. We watch as men cut chunks of beef and pork and throw them on a scale. I pretend that this does not excite me. I pretend that this is offensive but Marco needs this moment.

I imagine this entry into Detroit is a kind one for Marco, who seems timid but curious about this city that is so near but still so scary in its almost foreign sensation to an Ohioan.

There is only a new friendship found over commonalities in failed relationships. There is only a new friendship where nothing existed before.

I sometimes picture running into Julie, a girl from a graduate reading class I took last fall. She is blond and beautiful and everything I'm not. I see her and approach. She smiles and asks me my name again. I respond, "Alicia, Actually" calling her "Actually" as a condescending tribute to the fact that she can use the word actually more times in one short conversation than I have used the word in my entire lifetime.

Marco walks toward us quietly, waiting for his introduction to someone who will inevitably ask if he was in our class, too. She doesn't notice that he is staring at her, seeing how beautiful she is. She doesn't hear his small utterances and minute contributions to the conversation. She means well and wants to connect with me.

While he is watching her, I tally how many times she utters the word actually. Eventually, her parents call her to leave, and she makes a strange statement about leaving all the "blacks" and heading back home to a "good area" - her random, innocent inappropriateness never failing her and going unchecked by others who are never quite quick enough to respond.

I tell Marco the story of how I began to call her "Actually." He laughs, and we begin to wind down as her sun-bright hair bobs into a minivan already peopled with two stable and comfortable-looking individuals who only wanted to share the Detroit they knew growing up with a daughter whose intelligence trails far behind her compassion and dedication to others.

That's where the day ends. There is no further adventure into the city. There is no return to the car. There is only a moment, sometimes advanced to a sunset that feels misplaced while we sit on a park bench with nothing left to discuss.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Spontaneity

Why does my spontaneity have to be during a period of spontaneity for you to be considered spontaneous? I just don't understand. What gives you the right to question my inclinations when I choose to stay home and do my own thing?

Granted, you tease me about it in a playful way, but the message is still there...if I am not willing to do what you want when you want, then I am somehow not living up to some expectation you have of me and my spontaneity. Do you not realize that that is ridiculous?

You don't get to determine when I do things, nor will I let you continue to comment on how I am not spontaneous because I won't hang out with you whenever you want.


You say "Jump."
I say "Fuck you."

Sunday, August 15, 2010

"Two dollars!"

So, a short while back, I was "unfriended" by someone I have known most of my life. We used to be extremely close, but over the years, the friendship felt more like her trying too hard and me trying too little. This year, it came to a head.

The unfolding of the irritation is not what I wish to focus on; it's more about the manner in which she unfriended me. She decided to not act like an adult of almost 30 years. She decided to resort to just removing me from that part of her life. I'm actually okay with it because of how rude she was to me at a barbecue I attended (and yes, I was invited). She had been cold at other points, too, including her bachelorette party, even though I was the one taking care of her when her other friends continued having a good time. C stepped in to help me after roughly 35 minutes of taking care of her by myself, which was nice, but no one else bothered to even acknowledge that she had become ill.

I don't believe she recalls this. I don't believe she knows that yes, I did help pay for that party, even though it was more than I could really afford at the time and way more than anyone should be asked to pay. My replacement as Maid of Honor paid way too much for that evening. I also gave presents, as expected.

Hell, I had even allowed her to borrow a book to help her plan her wedding. She never returned it (even stating that she wanted to give it to one of her friends - I told her I'd like my book back), and I now feel like the kid in Better Off Dead saying "I want my two dollars!"


It's unfortunate that it has come to this, but I guess I am ready for her to not be a part of my life.

My life has been pretty good lately, despite some injuries. She hasn't bothered asking, and I haven't volunteered.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Scheduling Friends

I met an old high school friend for breakfast today because he was in town. It was a nice visit. There was a touch of oddness to the visit, though, because in all the years I have known him, I have never before hung out with this person without other people present. We've never really made plans to do this before.

It's not to say that he is someone I wouldn't mind hanging out with again. We've always gotten along. It just seemed like a stretch for us to embark on the new journey of hanging out without everyone else's discussions woven into our interaction.

I'm friends with his roommate and his brother. We weren't close in high school, nor are we close now, but it seems odd that, all of a sudden, we all seem to want to take the time to learn about one another. I have a schedule filling with friends.

We discussed what keeps us busy during these long, lazy days of summer and the things that we thought we'd be doing at this point in our lives.

All-in-all, it was a nice morning out. I don't see a lot of mornings this time of year, but I'm glad I saw today's.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

New Treatment

The soft (medicated) cast on my right foot is already working its magic. By the end of a full week with this thing on, though, it definitely won't feel (or probably smell) so magical. At least my toes are not encapsulated by the mixture of paste, medicine and various bandages. I can clean them at will, very carefully, of course.

I am going to ask if I can have digital copies of my X-rays when I go in next week. It's not that I want to take them to another doctor. I just want to see if I can start to understand what's been wrong with my feet for a while now.

Heel spurs, tendonitis, arches that exceed normal standards, toe pain, muscle pain, poor circulation, weakness, etc. I am so much better with visuals. Plus, I could subject my friends to images of the insides of my feet. Now that would be fun!


I told some OTC pain medication that sent me reeling away from normal, calm interaction to a hyper version of myself. Some people were plagued with my outrageous laughing and joke-cracking over the phone. I don't believe that these people were really prepared for me in that state. That is primarily why I avoid all medication. My body just does not know how to react and I am often a bit wild and crazy, scratching my arms in true OCD fashion (sometimes my neck, legs, and torso, as well), and/or staring blankly at things while in a complete daze.

I've never felt compelled to try illicit drugs. There's never been a need, and I am always trying to feel in control of something in my life. There isn't much that I can control (not for a lack of trying), so sobriety makes me feel in control. If I really need to feel spaced out, Sudafed is enough. If I needed a depressant, alcohol works. Ibuprofen tends to do that, too. If I need to perk up, certain vitamins, herbal remedies, and mood stabilizers in something like Midol definitely do the trick.

Recent Fears

This blog seems to be the one place where I can unload a little bit. I don't see the need to visit a therapist because I know what is wrong with me. I don't need the diagnosis from someone else. What I do need is someone who will get me from where I am to where I want to be, and I don't believe that a therapist will be able to help me with that. It's an internal process. It's a simple process. I just have to do the things that are already obvious to me.

I'm just afraid.

And when I'm afraid, I lash out at others. I find ways to get a reaction out of them so that I can argue them out of my life. I use this to sabotage any sort of romantic relationship, too, because deep down, I really don't want to move on.

So, if anyone's wondering why they haven't heard from me beyond the Facebook status updates, that would be it.

I finally spoke to a friend who needed space from me. I pushed him too far in one particular conversation, and he was hurt - truly hurt - by what I had said to him. I feel awful for my part (which is most of it) in the conflict, and I fear I have destroyed one of the few lifelong friendships I've been able to maintain up until this point.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Yes, yes.

I chickened out yet again.

Open Doors

I have spent the last two days inside my home, exiting only to dump recycling bins and trash, plant a few seeds outside, and reach a hand out to the mailbox to find impersonal messages. The doors have remained open for most of that time, though.

So, what have I been doing?

Living and working for others.

I am being patient with people who may not deserve it. I keep trying to be understanding, but my own beliefs about what they should be doing after I spend my free time preparing things for them simply do not jive with what they choose to do. I am not expecting thank-yous as I had figured I wanted several weeks ago. I suppose what I really want is for them to give up their free time to, at least, consider what I have done for them. I want them to stop wasting time - stop wasting life.

We simply do not get enough time here.

That would be why I choose to open doors again. John Donne said "No man is an island." I can see what is out there and choose to be a part of it.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Starting Off Great on a Bad Foot (or two)

After the picnic yesterday during which I was awarded a certificate of appreciation, I went to bed early, woke early, and then lost all the momentum.

My heel isn't aching too much today, but I am still not in any shape to run sprints with it. The other foot (the one with the mid-foot sprain) is not healing at all. In fact, it is getting worse. I had to finally break down and contact a foot specialist. I have an appointment on Tuesday, but there is so much I want to do today, tomorrow, and Monday. I am not really in the right place to do them.

Because of the pain, I've become very anti-social, at least as it relates to physically going out and visiting with friends. I mostly just correspond with people using Facebook.

No one really calls me. I do receive the occasional text message, but that only goes so far.


Ugh. Enough of this pity party. I am going to crawl into the kitchen and scrounge up something to eat.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

My Soap Box

I learned today that when you have someone figured out, it's better to just keep it to yourself.

I suspected something about a friend, so I asked a very direct question (only because it does relate to me). I wanted a direct answer. I can handle direct answers. In fact, I love direct answers, even if they cause me pain. Instead of a direct answer, though, I received a feigned emotional redirect with a question and sarcasm.

It's clear to me that I was right, but this other person obviously didn't see this about himself, so he decided to share disrespectful commentary with me through a text message. He also said I am on a soap box. I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposedly arguing on this soap box as we haven't had any conversation for a week or so.

He wants space, so I'll give it to him. I won't disrespect his wishes, even though he disrespected me. As much as I need to resolve this, my need will have to wait until he is reasonable again. If that doesn't happen, that's going to have to be fine, too.

What Would You Do?

As a society, I think Americans have lost something vital to any prosperous and caring nation - heart.

I often complain about the lack of action and reaction in others. I think the United States offers a fractured version of what community used to mean. And then there are shows like What Would You Do?

ABC may be trying to either instruct or shame us into realizing what we should be doing for one another.

It's unfortunate that we must use television to teach what parents are supposed to teach, but our society is so pregnant with glorifying despicable behavior and general disregard for anything outside of ourselves that I think we all need a reality check. I do applaud ABC for pointing that out to us and showing us how we should be acting and reacting (by stopping and speaking with people who do and do not do what we, as a society, believe they should do).


When I visited Europe a couple of summers ago, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find assistance. Germans are not well known for their immediate warmth (this is something that is developed over time in German culture). I had a medical problem on the flight over but did not need emergency care. The flight attendants brought me aspirin, but that did not alleviate the problem. They couldn't really offer more than that, but they did try to find a solution to my problem.

When I reached Frankfurt airport, the pharmacist in die Apotheke was very warm and very helpful. She saw I was in agony and made sure that I had absolutely everything I needed before leaving the shop. She also provided me information that I might need later in the week. I was appreciative and thanked her profusely. She looked surprised, probably because it is her duty as a pharmacist to help those in need and it is expected to act accordingly. I suppose I am not accustomed to people really doing what we in America consider going above and beyond to ensure the safety and comfort of others.

When leaving the Munich airport, I was puzzled by the brand new train ticket machine. It was just replaced and I was unfamiliar with the different options (I had made sure to make note of what the travel administration had said would be in the station to help move things along faster). I stood there, deciphering my different options (some were new and better deals and I wasn't sure what I'd be needing throughout my visit). A very sweet older woman approached and helped me, smiling the whole time, and explaining the options in English (I am aware of how "American" I appear, i.e. being overweight, standing in line with lots of space around me, and generally looking confused by other languages although I do know a lot of German). She was an absolute delight and asked questions that helped me figure out what I needed.

I thanked her profusely, as well, trying to demonstrate how much I appreciated her time and energy. She probably had some place to be. I wish I would have asked her name. When I thanked her, she seemed surprised, as if her actions didn't even beg a thank-you. Helping me must have seemed the right thing to do for her and no one should necessarily have to thank someone for that.


From watching WWYD?, I have learned that there are still people in the United States teaching their children to assist others, although the people who speak up and act are definitely in the minority (and oftentimes, people who are immigrants to our nation). I hope that seeing on TV what we should be doing as a society will send a positive message to the masses about what community truly means.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

JERK

I don't want to jerk anyone around.

I think I need to do some soul-searching to make certain that I don't spend another year doing just that.


The truth is that I am no closer to knowing who I want to be with. The feelings are there. The people are there. I just don't know which direction to go.


I like being single. I don't want to be single forever, though. In fact, I just want to reach the point where I know who should be with me. The problem is that I need to try dating a few different people (I've learned that I cannot make the determination from a distance.). I cannot offer guarantees that I won't break someone's heart when I figure it out. This would translate into being jerked around.

I hate this.