His Father

So, Tony lost his father today.

They hadn't spoken in about six years, but I know the loss is far greater than Tony would ever let show. He learned early in life to hide his emotions. It doesn't mean he is any less upset than I would be.

It's unfortunate that Tony will never again have the opportunity to bridge that gap that was created so long ago. And it's all because some asshole drunk driver didn't have the ability or desire to slow down as he approached an intersection. The drunk driver hit two vehicles, injuring himself, killing Tony's father, and injuring the driver of the third vehicle. The drunk driver and the injured driver received medical attention and will probably be just fine. Tony's father will not. And Tony will not.

Please do not drink and drive.

Rant

Okay, so here's the deal...

If you want to ask me out on a date, just frickin ask me already. Don't ask if you'll see me somewhere and then get upset with me and throw information at me to make me feel guilty for not going, i.e. bothering other friends to go with you, bringing up other women hitting on you, etc.

If you don't actually make plans with me, I don't feel guilty about changing my plans for the evening. In fact, I move right to resentment because you just expect things of me that are not within the parameters of our current status. I've given up enough for you and am only willing to entertain the notion of dating you if you meet me in the middle. That's only fair. I will no longer be a martyr for anyone or any relationship.


On a related note...

If you call me at 11 p.m., 12:30 a.m., 1:45 a.m., and later, I am not going to interact with you. I'm finally sleeping on a normal schedule (the first time in my life), and it is doing wonders for me personally. Sure, the summer provided me ample time to change my schedule, but that is simply not the reality of my life at the moment. I have a very regular schedule because of work, community activities, committees, and health problems I used to face. I have these things under control now, and I would appreciate your consideration and respect.

alone for Halloween weekend

I feel alone today. I woke and quickly left to set up concert equipment at the theater. I have to return at two for call. My concert is at three.

I really don't care much about it, to be honest.

I don't care about grading assignments for my students. I don't care about the meetings, the lesson plans, the extra curricular activities...


The overwhelming loneliness makes me want to get together with any of the men with whom I've been interacting.

Jeremy wants us back together...with some changes I know I can't follow through on, even though I know that I'd have to for my own sake.

Tony says he wants more, and he is finally started to act like it. The problem is that when I have to say no when I really don't want to, he continues with his plan and then posts something about meeting some other woman. I had a panic attack last night. I was able to get myself under control, but he knew about it because I turned to him during it. I really didn't need to see his post today. I wasn't feeling ultra great today to begin with, so his disregard for my feelings makes me resent him. I know it's just par for the course and I should be expecting these things by now.

I think I made the mistake of talking up his good points for so long. I really poured on the negatives in Jeremy's case. Tony has plenty of his own. I suppose I wanted to live in denial just a tad longer.


At 12:30 a.m., I received a phone call from R. I didn't respond (because I was asleep and didn't know I received a message), so he called an hour later. I remember talking to him, but I was very tired and very confused. I've told him that his calls are too late, and I will not field them anymore. He didn't do much to make me feel better. He wanted me to get up and head to his place to hang out (which consists of kissing and then him pressuring me to do more...he gets a bit frustrated because I am not the type to back down when pressured). I haven't seen him in person since June because of this nonsense. Why is he still doing this? We've fought, decided not to speak, spoken again, become friends again, and now this? It's all eating away at me. I am not about to jump into some secret relationship or, even, a public one that puts me in a position to feel like I have to give up anything. F that.


Yesterday, I talked to New R. He had told me he probably wouldn't see me at all on Friday, but he still made time to do so. It was great. We talk about our individual plans for the weekends, and it keeps getting closer to invitations out. I see how it is progressing, and while I am patting myself on the back for "being patient" and seeing each stage in the process, I am also kicking myself for not making things happen sooner. I want this friendship, most of all, so I need to allow time to nurture that. If there is more there, then great. If not, then great. We both had planned to hang out with our respective friends this weekend, so we didn't suggest getting together - it might be awkward to introduce someone of the opposite sex as a friend to other friends. Those moments can be odd because there is always an assumption of something more. It wouldn't be the right time to bring around a new friend...costumes, craziness, and all.

There I go again, creating a set of rules that only serve to limit me.

There are already some minor things I notice about this man...he says Fords instead of Ford. It doesn't sound alarm bells, but it's still there. He's 26, which doesn't necessarily make me feel old, but it makes me feel like he would think of me as being older in a negative sense.


I guess I'm just looking for someone to listen to me lately. I really don't have anyone anymore.

492

Too frequently, I assume that status updates on Facebook have to do with me. This doesn't apply to all of them - just of those people with whom I have recently spent time or chatted. Part of the confusion is the use of the word you. I'm not entirely sure this isn't disorder-based, but I read the message and it seems like a cutting remark toward me.

I then shy away for a while, hoping someone else will ask questions that will lead to the true intended recipient. I know I have done this, too, which makes me kick myself for being unclear in the past.


With that off my chest, I want to focus on something more important. I keep daydreaming about being in a relationship again. At times, it's almost as if I am ready to move forward in some direction or another, but weekends like this one throw me back in that confused state about who and what I want. I wonder if others go through this, too. I hate being the most indecisive person in the world.

I had thought I wanted to go down a new path with a new person. Unfortunately, he did not call me (I'm certain he'll explain on Monday). I long for traditional roles in some respect. I want to be asked out. I want someone to want to be with me and have the confidence to put himself out there.


I also have this problem with previous people I've dated. I tend to show pessimism, and people often do not realize that I am downright optimistic about people and relationships. I think I show the pessimism to not come across as one of those bubbly-minded airheads who thrive in an ignorance-is-bliss existence. I fear being seen as stupid, and those who enjoy daily life tend to fall into this category. I see all of the hardships, inaccuracies, struggles, pitfalls, hopeless causes, etc., but I struggle against them and feel incredible doing so. This is really what I want others to see; however, I don't know exactly how to demonstrate it.


Jeremy texted me about getting together, mostly to pick up two books that have somehow remained in my collection despite being his. We still find we have each other's belongings, packed away in forgotten places until now. Our lives were so deeply intertwined. I truly believed we would end up married. We'd travel the world. We'd have a family. I'd convince him to get a dog (a husky or a lab, even though he said he would only want to get a German shepherd if he were to ever give in).

He wants to get back together. I'm scared of this because I give up pieces of who I am to accommodate him. If I can learn to not sacrifice myself in the relationship, I'd consider it. If he could learn to make me the first priority in his life, I'd jump at the chance to be with him again. I am finally over resenting him because I realize that, at some point, I made the decision to give up who I am to make his life easier. That falls completely on me, and I refuse to do that again.


Anthony makes no effort to connect with me. This is both my fault and his. He has never worked at making an effort in relationships, in part because he is of the mindset that people should just want to be together or not want to be together. This passive approach has set the stage for near-complete inaction on his part with women trying to make things work over the years. We give up because we are tired of paying for everything, making all the contact, making all the plans, doing all the traveling, waiting for a thank-you, and sharing only our thoughts on the stuff that really matters in a relationship. When someone else can't open up about anything, even though he clearly feels a certain way, it's just not enough for those of us who need to hear that someone cares or worries or wants us.

He snapped at me once in public. He tried to start an argument in Schoolcraft, as we waited for him to register. I was there to lend support (both emotional and financial). He became louder and louder with me in the line. He rarely gets to this level of frustration, through simple avoidance of anything stressful in his life. I turned to him and said, "I don't have to do this for you. I can walk out right now and drive back home. Is that what you want?"

He lowered his head and said, "No."

Very few of his friends know that I paid for his first college experience. It was a birthday present. I know he feels like he should have been able to do this, but I wanted to offer a leg up to someone who did support me emotionally when I was in the middle of an actual breakdown. I have also helped him with some of his writing for class this semester. I know he is taking more pride in himself, which is good. What I didn't anticipate was the rather unsavory commentary from some of his female friends that he has let go unchecked. One, in particular, stated that I am "not good enough for him" because of how things started and he's in school now, improving himself. I don't want to shine light on his financial problems, but come on...I'm the reason he was able to attend school at all. He knows of these comments, but he has done nothing to stop them. His inaction speaks louder than words and I feel used.

He doesn't understand my reasoning on this, either. I want to be able to look past this stuff, but I can't. I'm not built that way.


The old R called again last night. He understood that I wasn't going to head over to his place to hang out at roughly three in the morning. He wanted to talk, though, and wants to get together soon. It seems like he means a real date - getting dressed up, going out - during regular dating hours. He would never commit to meaning just that, though, and I find it frustrating. I'm not even sure I should give him the time and effort after the fighting and disregard he displayed over the summer. I have an inkling that the other woman he was seeing ended things and he is trying to pursue something with the consolation prize. I am no consolation prize. I may not be thin, beautiful, and young, but I have built a somewhat enviable life. Hell, even Ian crawled out of the shadows and asked me to coffee. It wasn't necessarily an invitation on a date, but it was a chance to share the good things that are happening with me.

The new R is still becoming a friend. I feel like catapulting forward, but that would only serve to cause problems. He and I don't like dating people who aren't friends first. We don't believe in picking up a stranger at a bar and building a solid foundation for something more from that state of nothingness. It's odd to have a crush on someone at work. I usually don't feel this way about anyone I work with. People have noticed our newly-formed friendship, and one teacher knows that I like him. She stated it in plain English and I became embarrassed. I'm sure my face turned red. It's fine because I feel kinship with this other teacher for a number of reasons: she has no intention of telling my secret, we both grew up in the Westland-Livonia area and attended Livonia schools, we both attended WMU, and we have similar viewpoints of the mess created within our district. Part of me is really interested in pursuing something new with someone new. The history factor doesn't need to be anything more than it is, whereas a trip down memory lane in another direction would probably serve to confuse, irritate, or gnaw at me. I like the notion that everything would be new. Everything would be a discovery. Everything would be a fresh start.

I don't mind the age difference, either. He's about five years younger than I am, but once we all hit our mid-twenties, we are fairly grown up and realistic about life expectations. We'll see if anything develops. I could see new adventures with this person.

491

I think I'm ready for something different.

Post 490

I simply cannot shake this depressed feeling today. I don't know what my problem is.

I'm tempted to have a fire in the fireplace even though it's not really cold enough for one. I just like the smell of it. It might lift my spirit.

Tried making a new soup (pureed carrot and onion). It's okay. Nothing spectacular.

Some thoughts on the dating scene

I'm too busy for a boyfriend, and for the first time since February 2009, I feel like I might actually want one. While this new-found loneliness makes me focus on what I don't have, it feels healthy. Our natural inclination is to find a mate. I am still not entirely sure if I am supposed to seek something new with someone new or seek something new with someone from my past. I am just sort of rolling with the punches, so to speak.

J is hoping for reconciliation. Most of me is, too. The trouble is that I would not be able to have further contact with A. I also fear that returning to the relationship would prompt a return to who J became during the course of our relationship. Our separation helped him regain who he used to be. I was left a broken mess for a long time. Many of my friends didn't want to listen at some point, and I learned who my true friends are. Real friends don't abandon you when your world comes crashing down. Real friends stick it out because they genuinely care about supporting you - not when you are eventually stop rehashing the same issue. And as much as some of my friends don't think J is right for me, he was there, doing everything in his power to help me when the rest of you weren't. Even though he knew that we might never work out in the end, he couldn't bear to see me falling apart. He picked me up, emotionally and physically (in those moments of complete despair that could have easily ended differently).

A makes no effort. All the work has always been on my end, except for the initial move to get me to leave J. The relationship type stuff has fallen on my shoulders. I truly understand why his former girlfriends left him, including the one who spent years destroying his self esteem. He's explained that he doesn't like questions or opening up. What woman would be comfortable with never hearing how special she is? What woman would put up with someone who doesn't feel the need to share or explain anything? I refuse to spend the rest of my life sitting on a couch watching TV to block out emotional connection. With that said, I don't doubt his feelings for me. Not in the least. I just think he didn't pick up on how good relationships work - he had no family model to work from, nor did he watch his friends' relationships for this information. I hate to think that he is a lost cause, because no one is, but it's starting to feel that way.

R - the one I've been referring to as "C" or "the Cat" - doesn't show much promise. I've known him forever, and while the notion of dating him isn't out of the realm of possibility, the crap isn't worth it. He pressured me for sex at one point - not his smartest move - but he said he understood why we wouldn't be going anywhere near there. He continues with hot-and-cold communication, and I don't like the implication that because I won't head over to his place in the middle of the night he will not even be my friend. Over the past couple of years, he has been incredibly supportive and kind. Unfortunately, he was a better friend than anything else he could have been. The thing that really upset me is that he didn't want any mutual friends to know that we were seeing each other. He did tell one mutual friend through Facebook, but as soon as he did, things went south. He ignored calls. He was rude on the phone when he did take calls. He started seeing someone else (which is fine because the casual dating scene allows that). He rarely made plans with me, but became upset when I made plans with others (not even dates). When he did make plans, they were at the last possible minute, usually in the middle of the night. I should never be an afterthought in my own relationship, right? Right.

The new R is no one I'm dating. I'm interested in dating him, but he and I both don't date people who are strangers. I'm enjoying becoming his friend, and if nothing more happens, I'll still be happy. He's nice to talk to. He's hardworking. He's determined to have a better life than what he has right now. Plus, he knows how to clean. We've known each other for a month-and-a-half, and I think we are well on our way toward a good friendship if nothing else.

I love

I love open windows, open doors, clean clothes, clean floors, disinfected kitchens, disinfected bathrooms, socks with toes, hepa filters in vacuum cleaners, new office supplies, sunsets, patio stones, fireplaces, potatoes, ranch dressing with mild cheddar and raisins, ironing clothes, tending to plants, falling leaves, writing, playing music, candles, kissing, long skirts, flirting, books, small spaces, and so much more.

Thinking of the world in positive terms is so much easier now than it used to be. I struggled to enjoy things. I kind of wish that some people could see me now. I kind of like that they don't. I feel grounded in something wonderful.


I think I will steam clean carpeting in another section of my home this evening. I will work on the flowerbeds tomorrow after work.

Sunshine

Sunshine doesn't hurt my eyes like it used to. In fact, my eyes rest wide open when the sunshine is the strongest. What an amazing sensation!

So...

So, I like him. What does this mean? What does this mean?

Grrr.

I let my negative emotions rise to the surface a little today.

This did not take place at work. This was at rehearsal. I am tired of carrying the weight (physical weight of percussion instruments) up and down the stairs without other members of my section helping. After snapping at two of them, I immediately felt remorse. The irritation and anger was truly unnecessary, but I felt fed up. I don't typically feel this way, so the emotions struck me as odd.

No Title

Drew asked me why I seem so happy lately. I responded with a quick, "I'm usually this happy."

He didn't seem to buy it, even though it's the truth. Drew and I have been colleagues and friends for over four years now, and his observation gave me pause to think about who I am at work.

I don't remember being miserable at work. Sure, it's a taxing job that wears one down over time, but I've never been an angry person at work. Stressed at times, sure, but never downright pessimistic. With friends, I could be. I could share my displeasure or irritation with the system over a drink. I could use that as a backdrop to complain about my life because I had many things going on that should not have been going on.


I must not have been showing my hope and optimism for some time. Drew wasn't at my school last year, having been shifted to the middle school due to seniority (I am just ahead of him on the seniority list - I signed my contract one hour before he did back in 2006.). He saw the beginning of the unraveling process the school year before when my life was not under complete control, but we didn't see each other much all last year. He didn't see how I finally broke free from the anger, frustration, pain, and other emotions that were gnawing at me. He didn't see me start to take better care of myself and get the vitamins I needed daily to correct some physiological issues that had resulted in some major health issues, both on the physical and mental levels.

I think he doesn't have a context for me now. He's surprised by my smile and frequent laughter, even though I didn't avoid these things before. I just used them more in the classroom with my students rather than with my colleagues during lunch breaks.

We are jovial in the workplace, which makes me feel connected to my peers.

I sometimes wonder what a night out with some old friends would be like, but then I remember that they are part of my past and would probably have no context for me now. They might see my behavior as an act rather than the current status quo, just as a few did when I started to let myself feel cheerful again.

Oh, and today I think I gave some "bad" advice to a friend. He had asked for advice twice, and he didn't like the direction I went the first time around, so I offered him the advice he wanted to hear. Of course, there was a disclaimer that I was simply playing devil's advocate because he didn't want to head down the opposite path and had asked again. My advice is never in the form of what someone should do. It's more of a possible (realistic) sequence of events that could result from the behavior someone else suggests. I am very good at mapping cause-and-effect scenarios.

German-American Day

My first hour German 1 celebration today was great fun. Students brought in food and we talked, watched videos, and sang traditional Bavarian (drinking) songs. My students were in such a good mood, and I was definitely feeling the same vibe.

Most of my classes were wonderful today. I have solved some mysteries I had with my third hour, and I think that the class behavior will improve over the next week or so.

Me

I learned today that I have much more self-control than I thought I had. In a meeting in which I felt attacked in my teaching (by someone who has not actually witnessed my teaching and had not seen the test scores of my previous scores), I kept my cool when all I really wanted to express was my frustration. I did point out, though, that my individual students are excelling in areas the rest of the student population are not. That is when the attack on my teaching began. I was displeased with this. Sometimes, I think school administrators "create" problems to solve so that when the results come out in his or her favor, they get a pat on the back from district administration for doing such a good job. It was a stressful hour, but I maintained composure. One year ago, I don't think I could have done that.

I treated myself to Quiznos for dinner and found it most disappointing. The bread tasted and felt different, which made for a bland dinner. It wasn't disgusting, but it wasn't what I remembered it to be. The flavors seemed muted.



On the brighter side of things, my classes are going well and I am finding my teaching groove. I am pushing myself to be more active, and it is working. My feet feel significantly better with the orthotics, and I am eager to start walking and then running again. Even when I was in excruciating pain, I wanted to walk and run. I just didn't have the ability to do so. I slowed down a lot last year as the pain increased dramatically. I can't believe I put off visiting the doctor when I wasn't even able to walk through my own home to get water or food. It took an additional injury to get me to visit doctors. The universe works in mysterious ways, and I am happy that I suffered (and am still recovering) from a severe sprain this summer. It gave me a new perspective that will help me to get back in shape.

My own relationship issues over the past two years are finally becoming something I can draw from to determine future actions. I often wish that life lessons could be learned faster, but they take time to solidify. I still stare at the fork in the road. It does not leave me, even though logic has made its arguments and I understand them. I don't think I'm ready to head down any path, and perhaps that is why I still see the fork. My heart and my mind have always been in conflict, but I feel more and more that this is beginning to fade into something new. I can't quite place my finger on it, but there is something there that will take the place of what has been causing me grief.

I'm also becoming someone my friends turn to when their own lives take a turn for the worse. I used to serve in this capacity before, and after several years' hiatus, the return makes me feel strong.

I like that I am reconnecting with old friends from college and making new friends from music and other social scenes. Relationships evolve and trying to hang on to the past when the past doesn't want to be a part of my present and future is futile. My birthday celebration showed me who is important in my life now, and I guess I hadn't realized until now that my new friends accept me for who I am now and not who they think I should be. It was an odd revelation. I was saddened, at first, that some of the people I thought were my oldest and dearest friends weren't there, but during the evening it changed. I am in the process of molding a new person here, in my own skin. These newer friends genuinely want to know me as I exist now. They want to have fun and celebrate life's good moments with me. They don't comment on my dating choices. They don't make me feel like I am not living up to some standard that is impossible for me to reach. The reconnection with old friends is about the same. They are letting me be who I am now rather than who they think I should based on college experiences we shared.

The Paths We Take

I met E for coffee yesterday afternoon. He has seemed somewhat depressed lately, and when he called to talk on the phone, I suggested we meet. He liked the idea so I got ready and headed to a coffee shop in downtown Ann Arbor.

I admit I haven't been the most responsive friend over the years, and he has often commented on my pessimism and detachment. I realized last year that he was right. I don't know why, exactly, I was distant, but I was.

I didn't go to his wedding five years ago. I didn't attend his 30th birthday party two years ago. I didn't respond to his calls and emails. And there was absolutely no good reason for it. I was just a crappy friend. I was so wrapped up in my inner turmoil that I didn't feel the need to give him the attention he needed as a friend.


Some background: I met E in a student organization in college. He had started dating another group member who soon dashed his heart into a million little pieces in late 1998 or early 1999. I was friends with both of them at first, but the woman was remorseless for her actions. In fact, she gloated about the whole thing. E was a mess, so I started to spend more and more time with him to help him regain stability. The woman was his first girlfriend and her callous actions destroyed him. I just couldn't sit idly by when he so clearly needed a friend (he didn't seem to have many of those).

We were both in the creative writing program within our respective English majors, so we met regularly to share writing with each other. We stayed up all night participating in writing marathons.

I felt safe in this friendship because I had no romantic interest in him. My long-distance relationship during these months was safe.

He developed a small crush on me, but we didn't let that get in the way of our friendship. I explained to him that he was probably latching on because we were spending time together and he was healing from the broken heart. It's easy to latch on to new people when we feel despair. We kept in touch over the years, some better than others, and with him living in Ann Arbor now, I am not visiting with him enough.

Back to the present.

The tone is E's posts and writings has been depressed. I have asked him several times about it, but he has not commented. Yesterday, he agreed that it would be best to meet, and I promptly arrived at the coffee shop.

He is thinking about leaving his wife. They were always very different people, but he said that he feels as though he puts in 95-100% of the relationship work only to be met with excuses for her inaction. We spent many hours yesterday discussing what he plans to do. I let him talk and then shared with him what I heard the most...the 'not' statements. She's not doing this...She doesn't do that and so on.

They've spoken about him leaving the marriage before, so this discussion with me was a way for him to look at the scenario from a different angle...the angle that only an outsider can see.

The situation is compounded with a recent infatuation with a woman with whom he goes to school. While nothing has happened, aside from a few moments of longing looks that he cut short and headed home, he is intrigued by this new person with whom he has so much in common, so much to talk about, and such a clique-like sensation. When I asked further questions, we determined that he is hovering around the deep infatuation state and nearing the in-love state. He is completely smitten with her, but he can still control his behavior around her. He planned a birthday celebration for her (for everyone in their shared graduate program) and attended with his wife. Unfortunately, none of the other students showed, and his wife was not pleased feeling like the outsider in some bizarre date her husband was on. E said he kept trying to involve his wife in the conversation, but he was so engrossed in the discussion about topics his wife does not comprehend that it became more and more of a problem. The fact that this new woman is a good match for him lead to an argument in the car on the way home.

E doesn't know if he should try to fix the situation because he feels like he's tried to fix it before and his wife hasn't been stepping up to the plate. He also has growing feelings for someone he is attracted to (she is one of those quirky red-heads).

I told him the things he didn't want to hear, but he said because he didn't want to hear them he probably needed to hear them.

I talked about how if he left his wife and jumped into a relationship with the red-head that he would always connect her to the break-up of his marriage and that there would always be a link to the emotions he feels now. Sure, they could move beyond it over time, but E is very much like me, and I know the emotions will gnaw at him. I also told him that he needs to disregard her for the moment. He needs to focus on one issue at a time, and right now, he needs to figure out if he wants to stay in his marriage. He keeps hoping that his wife will leave him and make it easy for him, but I told him that that won't happen. She is comfortable in what they have...the routine, the comfort, the day-to-day existence.

After he establishes if he wants to try to work things out, that's when he needs to set clear deadlines by stating that he can't spend another six months, year, two years, etc. living the way they live now. If he chooses to stay and try to work it out, he needs to give it his all - not some half-assed attempt to put on a show for others. He'd have to give her (and himself) time to make changes, make mistakes, grow, and retry. He is torn between giving her more time and saying she's had enough time.

I also pointed out that he doesn't know the redhead well enough to know all of her annoying habits. He is not aware of all of the things are ARE working with his wife. Instead, he is focusing on what is lacking and he is letting the redhead pick up the slack on those things. This is not to say that they (E and the redhead) wouldn't work out, but he is not seeing the whole picture. I didn't see the whole picture in 2009. I can only move forward now with the new knowledge I have gained.

I suggested that if he wants to stay and fix things, he needs to consult with someone who is practiced in guiding people through these issues.


We talked about what sex means to couples, especially after the types of conversations he's been having with his wife. For him, there is that element of wanting to feel good and the notion of This could be the last time. A female perspective, though, is more centered on He shared his worries with me and now we are closer emotionally and physically.

When his wife arrived to pick him up (he didn't feel like walking home in the pouring rain), I asked if I should head over to the car and say 'Hello' so that she realizes I am not some woman he is interested in. He said that was a good idea. She and I exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes before I walked to the Law Quadrangle on the U of M campus. Despite the cold rain, I felt calm and comfortable. The lights were reflecting in the puddles on the walkways. A couple of being photographed in an archway on their wedding day. Campus tours were in full swing. The world felt alive around me, and I felt it, too.

As I walked, I thought about the path I have taken. My ability to look at other's problems helps me to understand my own. I am still traveling, staring at a fork in the road. I am still weighing options. I keep choosing a direction and then turn around to return to the choice again. I am still trying to make myself happy, but I keep looking to others to make me happy. I am still flawed. I am still feeling too many emotions.

E had said that despite not being married, I went through a divorce in 2009. I agree with him. If we had been married, separating stuff would have been much easier, though. E keeps focusing on the future happiness he might feel, whereas I keep looking to the past to determine the future happiness I might feel.

Happy Birthday!

On Friday, I celebrated my 30th birthday. I toyed with ideas for far longer than I should have, but I settled on a nice dinner and drinks night out with friends and family. This event really allowed me to see who is and who is not currently my friend because it is sometimes difficult to gauge when I have so many people I interact with online on Facebook.

I have noticed some people trailing off in their own directions. These are people who used to be deeply involved in my life. Unfortunately, they either don't care or don't have the time to even wish me well on my birthday. I suppose birthdays (especially those of significance) just make things clearer. I'm not upset about it at all, though. It's just the way social groups work. The dynamic of any group changes over time.


The majority of people who showed up are my newer friends, friends from fun evenings out. Friends from the music scene. Friends who have spent a great deal of time trying to get to know who I am now rather than who I used to be. Even my cousin and his wife see who I am now and commented on how much happier I seem. My cousin is my age, and we grew up visiting often. I know about his struggles with married life (not that there are a lot to speak of), and he knows about all of the issues I faced in my own relationships. The last few years have been more distant because it's not easy to find time to visit...or, rather, we don't make the effort our parents did when we were younger. This is something to fix because we've always been close, and I hate that I don't feel as close anymore. I think I needed to fix a lot within myself, though, which is happening.

Some of the others who showed up are very recent friends. When I was seeing Tony last year, I became friends with his friends. This wasn't a shock to me, but it surprises me that they are still my friends. Tony was even surprised that a one, in particular, showed up to my celebration because he rarely even shows up for Tony's events.

It's wonderful to feel as though I'm not an obligation because I am connected to someone else.

A few friends brought cards and small gifts. It was totally unnecessary and very sweet of them. I need to send thank-yous. Autumn made me a card and there was no profanity on it...I handed it to her and told her that it was missing her creative input. She promptly added the F-word inside.

I can't tell if my parents are happy or sad to see that I am now the practical daughter again. When I was most depressed, I asked for more extravagant things. It was nice to ask for a ladder and hear them chuckle at my down-to-earth, I-need-this gift idea. I also suggested a cheap electric weed-whipper for my tiny backyard. As I told them, I am trying to eliminate the years of dysfunction that has taken over everything, and that includes purging clothing, toys, books, trinkets, papers, etc. from my home. Perhaps next year, I should have a birthday give-away event in which my friends and family will select tagged items in my home and remove them for free.

My birthday celebration guests (Mom, Dad, Autumn, Christine, Uncle Gary, Aunt Sandy, Terri, John, Flavia, Theodore, Marco, Simmi, Rob M., Monica, and Tony) bought me dinner and drinks. At the end, Tony and Theodore seemed to be waiting each other out for the fictitious title of Last Guest Partying.

All-in-all, I had a good birthday. My students were well-behaved on Friday (as they usually are), and getting dolled up in a fancy silver and black dress, new shoes, and newer jewelry to head out for a night made it a wonderful day.