(the beginning of the list)
Perform with the Ann Arbor Concert Band
Perform with the Canton Concert Band
Perform with the Ypsilanti Symphony Orchestra
Play and sing with the Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti Ukulele Group
Train for and run in the Dexter-Ann Arbor 10K in June
Donate twenty items every month to charity
Finish my MA project and earn my degree
Go on a road trip
Plant and sustain a garden and flowerbeds
Successfully knit something other than a scarf
Find a regular chess opponent
Read a minimum of ten novels/plays/etc.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A Dream
I keep dreaming that my car is stolen. I go to pick up pizza and someone steals it from the parking lot while I am inside the building. I never learn, even though I remember during each dream that my car was stolen from that same spot every time. I routinely lock the doors, look back at the car, enter the building, and then within a minute of standing in line or reaching the counter, I look back out the window to see my car is nowhere to be found.
With what I know about the meaning of dreams and psychology, this probably means something along the lines of loss of how I move through life in regard to some of the qualities that define who I am: relationships, work, etc. The relationships that used to keep me going aren't there anymore or, at least, they don't move me the same way. Work doesn't really have opportunities for advancement that other fields offer. In any case, the dream probably has to do with some sort of failure or loss.
With what I know about the meaning of dreams and psychology, this probably means something along the lines of loss of how I move through life in regard to some of the qualities that define who I am: relationships, work, etc. The relationships that used to keep me going aren't there anymore or, at least, they don't move me the same way. Work doesn't really have opportunities for advancement that other fields offer. In any case, the dream probably has to do with some sort of failure or loss.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
2011-01-29
I've always been so open with my feelings in the past, but I haven't felt as ready to share the more intimate details of my psyche lately when I speak to friends. I'm not sure if I am trying to protect them or protect myself. Even here, I didn't express everything, mostly because I didn't want others to know how deeply I was hurting. I realize now that I perpetuated this feeling because I let my worry about others' perception of me get in the way of healing.
I think I might train for a 10K. That way, I can find yet another outlet for, or distraction from, all of my emotions.
I think I might train for a 10K. That way, I can find yet another outlet for, or distraction from, all of my emotions.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I woke later than I had expected, but the wake-up was better than I had expected. I felt motivated to do laundry, reorganize some of my dresser drawers, research different items for integration into my Shakespeare teaching unit, map out my calendar for the upcoming months (I'm incredibly busy, which I didn't expect), and watch The X-Files, Season 2. I find that having it on in the background makes me a bit more creative and ambitious. I'm still not sure why that is, but I'll take it.
I showered upon waking and my day is moving much more smoothly than other days when I wait an hour or so before officially starting my day. I allowed my hair to air dry, and I find that I rather like the wavy quality of my hair today.
These are all just random thoughts, but I don't care. It feels nice to be enjoying natural light seeping into the windows, a n
I showered upon waking and my day is moving much more smoothly than other days when I wait an hour or so before officially starting my day. I allowed my hair to air dry, and I find that I rather like the wavy quality of my hair today.
These are all just random thoughts, but I don't care. It feels nice to be enjoying natural light seeping into the windows, a n
Saturday, January 22, 2011
A New Look
I decided that my old blog page was a little too dark for me.
I just purchased more clothes, a new pastime that has allowed me to explore new trends, etc. I really do prefer the bookworm look, complete with the mild up-do and plastic-rimmed eyeglasses. Skirts, sweaters, flats...it's all starting to fall into place. I've been wearing some vibrant accent colors, although the trusty blacks and grays are still the primary threads.
I don't feel a hundred percent today, but some recent stress on top of a head cold sort of set me up for a weekend of rest and relaxation. Tempers are flaring at work. Schedule changes, accountability checks, exams, etc. It's all taking a toll on those around me. I, on the other hand, don't really feel worried.
I do feel somewhat left behind by my friends lately. I've been slinking back into the shadows because I think I know what I want and I am distancing myself from those who want something different for me. I learned that my friends have strong opinions about who I should be with. It's no one's decision beyond my own. I really don't want to hear their suggestions that I should be with someone else because they would be with someone else. They do not know all of the details about the different people in my life. It is not their business to know. I stopped asking for commentary or for others to listen some time ago, but they do not stop telling me what to do. When I ask them to stop, they become irritated and state that they are "just trying to help." Then they tell me that it is my decision, and I can do what I want. This would be fine if they meant it. I can understand tone quite well, and the tone each uses indicates to me that they don't believe I can make the right choice for myself.
It's disappointing that people think that I shouldn't live my own life on my own terms.
I probably won't be spending the time I used to on sustaining these friendships. I just feel like there are some people I can leave behind now. I never tell them how to live.
I just purchased more clothes, a new pastime that has allowed me to explore new trends, etc. I really do prefer the bookworm look, complete with the mild up-do and plastic-rimmed eyeglasses. Skirts, sweaters, flats...it's all starting to fall into place. I've been wearing some vibrant accent colors, although the trusty blacks and grays are still the primary threads.
I don't feel a hundred percent today, but some recent stress on top of a head cold sort of set me up for a weekend of rest and relaxation. Tempers are flaring at work. Schedule changes, accountability checks, exams, etc. It's all taking a toll on those around me. I, on the other hand, don't really feel worried.
I do feel somewhat left behind by my friends lately. I've been slinking back into the shadows because I think I know what I want and I am distancing myself from those who want something different for me. I learned that my friends have strong opinions about who I should be with. It's no one's decision beyond my own. I really don't want to hear their suggestions that I should be with someone else because they would be with someone else. They do not know all of the details about the different people in my life. It is not their business to know. I stopped asking for commentary or for others to listen some time ago, but they do not stop telling me what to do. When I ask them to stop, they become irritated and state that they are "just trying to help." Then they tell me that it is my decision, and I can do what I want. This would be fine if they meant it. I can understand tone quite well, and the tone each uses indicates to me that they don't believe I can make the right choice for myself.
It's disappointing that people think that I shouldn't live my own life on my own terms.
I probably won't be spending the time I used to on sustaining these friendships. I just feel like there are some people I can leave behind now. I never tell them how to live.
Monday, January 17, 2011
My Friend
Your job is to support me. Maia taught me that last summer.
I've had close friends my entire life, but I suppose I didn't fully understand what the purpose was until now. I'd always been there to listen to my friends, but I don't think I had ever truly felt supported until Maia came into my life.
She is one of the most amazing people I have had the privilege to know. She has a beautiful family, a career that allows her to support others in their times of need, a darling husband who seems so completely terrific, and a wise kindness that allows her to see beyond what the rest of the world sees.
She told me last summer that although she had her own ideas about where my life might be heading, she knew she was supposed to support me in the choices I make - that the choices are MINE to make.
I think a lot about this particular conversation we had. It became clear that she stands out among my friends. She is one who isn't talking about me negatively behind my back. She isn't telling mutual friends that I need to leave behind the most important relationship of my life. She isn't lecturing me about still not being where I think I should be. She isn't giving me bad advice about meeting and interacting with new men.
Maia, you are an exquisite human being. You have experienced so many things, positive and negative, and you've never let anything keep you down. You are one of the most positive and wonderful people I've ever met. I am so fortunate to know you, and even more fortunate to have you as a friend.
Thank you for being the person you are.
I've had close friends my entire life, but I suppose I didn't fully understand what the purpose was until now. I'd always been there to listen to my friends, but I don't think I had ever truly felt supported until Maia came into my life.
She is one of the most amazing people I have had the privilege to know. She has a beautiful family, a career that allows her to support others in their times of need, a darling husband who seems so completely terrific, and a wise kindness that allows her to see beyond what the rest of the world sees.
She told me last summer that although she had her own ideas about where my life might be heading, she knew she was supposed to support me in the choices I make - that the choices are MINE to make.
I think a lot about this particular conversation we had. It became clear that she stands out among my friends. She is one who isn't talking about me negatively behind my back. She isn't telling mutual friends that I need to leave behind the most important relationship of my life. She isn't lecturing me about still not being where I think I should be. She isn't giving me bad advice about meeting and interacting with new men.
Maia, you are an exquisite human being. You have experienced so many things, positive and negative, and you've never let anything keep you down. You are one of the most positive and wonderful people I've ever met. I am so fortunate to know you, and even more fortunate to have you as a friend.
Thank you for being the person you are.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Need
I keep wishing for clarity without actually doing the work that would lead to clarity. I kick myself for not knowing which direction is right for me. The most I have done is figured out several directions that are not right for me. I get foggy, though, and backtrack when I am feeling unhappy.
I feel selfish worrying about my love life. I act like this is the biggest issue in the world, simply because it affects me, but there are others facing far bigger challenges and limitations. I should be focusing on ways to help them regain what they have lost or never had to begin with.
A handful of friends keep asking me why I am filling up my free time with music. This is why. When I play music, the worrisome inner monologue quiets and I can actually think. I can feel what I am supposed to be feeling. I can name those feelings. I've had so much imbalance in my life over the past couple of years that I was unable to process my emotions the way I need to process them.
CCB provided me a starting point to build up my performance skills again. AACB has provided me the chance to focus, fuse the right and left hemispheres of my brain, and challenge myself to be more in tune with purpose, beauty, and the rhythm of life. The AAYUC has given me license to be a little different, much like I feel when around most people. The very brief time I have been with the YSO has allowed me to be moved by the emotion of music written for the entire range of orchestral instruments. The chords aren't just breath. They are extensions of emotion and movement starting deep inside. I've needed this for a long time.
I feel selfish worrying about my love life. I act like this is the biggest issue in the world, simply because it affects me, but there are others facing far bigger challenges and limitations. I should be focusing on ways to help them regain what they have lost or never had to begin with.
A handful of friends keep asking me why I am filling up my free time with music. This is why. When I play music, the worrisome inner monologue quiets and I can actually think. I can feel what I am supposed to be feeling. I can name those feelings. I've had so much imbalance in my life over the past couple of years that I was unable to process my emotions the way I need to process them.
CCB provided me a starting point to build up my performance skills again. AACB has provided me the chance to focus, fuse the right and left hemispheres of my brain, and challenge myself to be more in tune with purpose, beauty, and the rhythm of life. The AAYUC has given me license to be a little different, much like I feel when around most people. The very brief time I have been with the YSO has allowed me to be moved by the emotion of music written for the entire range of orchestral instruments. The chords aren't just breath. They are extensions of emotion and movement starting deep inside. I've needed this for a long time.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
No Resolutions for 2011
I was actually happy for 2010 to pass. Granted, there were many uplifting, wonderful moments (friends getting married, independent road trip, new romantic interests, new musical paths to follow, etc.), but the emotions of 2010 ran high, and I struggled to regain my bearings for most of the year. I know my friends tired of hearing me talk in circles and act in ways that didn't necessarily jive with what they had helped me understand about myself. It was, basically, a year of truly starting over, complete with the immature, self-indulgent moments that made me feel as though I had returned to my teenage years in the worst possible way.
I'm looking forward to new experiences tempered better with my resolve. I'm looking forward to picking a direction and seeing it through. I'm choosing to not state resolutions for this year because I understand that habits take time to break, and I have to allow for setbacks that aren't necessarily allowed in the scope of resolutions. One setback equals failure, and I refuse to let a setback destroy the work I am doing in practice or in belief.
Here is what I have already slated for 2011:
1. Canton Concert Band (although I may leave this group)
2. Ann Arbor Concert Band
3. Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti Ukulele Group (We are planning to have shirts made and participate in the Ann Arbor Festifools Parade this year, if time allows.)
4. Ypsilanti Symphony Orchestra (I'm trying them out for their first concert of the season. I'm not entirely sure if I will be sticking with them.)
5. Teaching (of course)
6. Finishing my grad project and earning my MA
7. A road trip to a still-undetermined place (possibly with friends, possibly alone again)
I'm considering starting voice lessons because I want to learn how to sing properly. I also want to take guitar, piano, and ukulele lessons. Heck, I'd even consider some drum set lessons again, because I can't seem to direct myself like I used to.
I'm looking forward to new experiences tempered better with my resolve. I'm looking forward to picking a direction and seeing it through. I'm choosing to not state resolutions for this year because I understand that habits take time to break, and I have to allow for setbacks that aren't necessarily allowed in the scope of resolutions. One setback equals failure, and I refuse to let a setback destroy the work I am doing in practice or in belief.
Here is what I have already slated for 2011:
1. Canton Concert Band (although I may leave this group)
2. Ann Arbor Concert Band
3. Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti Ukulele Group (We are planning to have shirts made and participate in the Ann Arbor Festifools Parade this year, if time allows.)
4. Ypsilanti Symphony Orchestra (I'm trying them out for their first concert of the season. I'm not entirely sure if I will be sticking with them.)
5. Teaching (of course)
6. Finishing my grad project and earning my MA
7. A road trip to a still-undetermined place (possibly with friends, possibly alone again)
I'm considering starting voice lessons because I want to learn how to sing properly. I also want to take guitar, piano, and ukulele lessons. Heck, I'd even consider some drum set lessons again, because I can't seem to direct myself like I used to.
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