Letters and Smoke Signals

I write you letters, but I don't send them. 

I don't think you will ever be ready for what I really think of you and what you've done. I also think you have compartmentalized your emotions so well that it may not even register with you that you have done some heinous things to others. 

- When you participated in certain acts with (healed and possibly not-so-healed) adults who had been previously victimized as children, you contributed to their trauma and mental health problems, even if they say they are "fine." People behaving badly is a theme that needs to stop in our world. 

-  When you threw your antics in a former loved one's face - perhaps as a way to brag - you established a mindset that the entire history with that person did not matter and did not mean anything to you. She will never be able to view your shared past they way she did before. By acting the way you have, you have essentially destroyed the past, and each broken memory is starting to drift off like old fading smoke signals from a dying fire. 

- When you continued to ignore the red flags that I - and others - showed you...and then expect sympathy from us, it makes all of our concern and support seem unappreciated, not trusted, etc. Coming back from that is difficult because you did your Narcissistic partner's work by preemptively  discrediting us and now want us to support you as if you hadn't pushed us away and as if we weren't there trying to help you the entire time. 

I know people are flawed and make mistakes - I've made my own, too - and I try to rationalize your attitude, actions, and inaction in an effort to give you grace. I need to stop rationalizing and absorbing bad behavior. 

Sometimes, it's like you want me to accept your degenerate behavior asequal to my non-degenerate behavior. It just isn't, and asking me to believe in fiction like that is not how this is going to play out. 

You hurt me - and you hurt others - in ways you will never comprehend, and at this point, I don't think you even care to try to understand how your actions broke things in us, including trust.

It's no longer a question of trying to connect with and show you what you've done in hopes that you'll feel remorse and atone for your behavior. 

It's now about freeing myself from my perceived obligation to even try to help you grow into a better person. 

I think I'm going to dump the letters into my fireplace today and just burn them since it's much more likely that the smoke signals might have a better chance of reaching you. 

The Final Month of 43

Today is the first day of September. 

In exactly one month, I will turn 44. 

I have mixed feelings on this. I am not afraid of getting older; I just feel there is so much more life I want to live than what I have allowed myself in the past. 

- I start a new job on the 23rd of this month. 

I am working on preparations for that. They include clearing out and redesigning my office and clearing all clutter from my home office. I am also studying different applications that I can incorporate into my new role that will preserve the good things they are already doing while streamlining and automating some of the tasks to help free up time for my team to focus on the more challenging tasks. 

- I am interested in someone who "isn't ready" to date...after he indicated that he wanted to pursue this thing earlier on. 

I know things change and people change their minds as they realize more about themselves. The breadcrumbing needs to stop. It hurts my feelings and makes me second-guess my own feelings and actions. 

I don't feel anything or do anything "lightly," so I mull over everything in true "overthinker" fashion. This is a personality trait - NOT a disorder - so I do not see therapy being a way to stop this behavior in me. This behavior generally keeps me safe because I will consider words and actions from every angle, and that helps me to discern what is safe, what is worth my time, and what is actually meaningful to all involved. 

- I started going to the gym again this morning a 5 AM, and I plan to continue that like I was doing prior to my trip back to Michigan in the spring. 

I was surprised how taxing it was to ride a stationary bike and walk on a tredmill this morning. Tomorrow should prove easier, and the day after that should be even easier. Fall is approaching quickly, and having enough stamina to go out for a hike some afternoons/evenings will be key to my calmness and happiness. 

- I started participating again in my online writing group last week, and I plan to attend regulary, going forward. 

I write daily in a journal, just as I have done since I was in elementary school. I want to return to doing more creative writing, and I want to surround myself with people who see possibility in ideas. I also want the drama in my life to be contained on pages of text rather than in my interactions with other people. 

- The community band I joined earlier this year ended up not panning out.

This actually made the summer much easier to navigate with an influx of work-related activities. 

- My ukulele group has some upcoming performances that I need to decide if I will attend. 

I enjoy performing music, especially as part of a group. It is also physically impossible to be angry or depressed while holding a ukulele, so that is an added benefit. 

- I make weekly (and sometimes, more frequent) trips to donate items from my house.

I like that the clutter is steadily disappearing from my little world here. I feel lighter and freer, just from the removal of ("benign")items, and I hope to keep lifting the sensation of having burdens this way. It's a starting point, and I am certain it will continue to free my mind. Another positive note is that it is easier to think about the future and where I am headed when I am not trapped by all my stuff.  

27

 Today's number is 27. 

I am choosing 27.

If you know what this means, great!

If you don't know what this means, that's okay, too! It shouldn't affect you in the slightest. 

Too Much and Not Enough

 A common theme in my relationships is this constant balancing act. I have been told I am "too much" in the same breath I have been told that I am also "not enough."

I am too much of some things and never enough of others, so it creates this strange dichotomy that results in never measuring up to what someone else is looking for, what someone needs, or what someone wants. 

News flash: I fall short of perfect...and sometimes I even fall short of good.

It does not mean that I don't expect more out of myself. I don't like some of the permanent changes I see in myself, and even one of my neuropsychologists told me that the trick will be to find new ways to try to control, mold, and even accept these parts that I consider "less than" what I want. 

- We pretend to be mature and confident in our teens. 

- Our twenties are full of mistakes and missed opportunities.

- We establish ourselves as true adults - separate from our youths - in our thirties. My thirties included relearning how to walk, read, and function like I did before. 

- It seems as though my forties are the start of just not giving a damn anymore about what others expect or want from me. My forties feel like they belong to me. 

It took a long time to even feel like me again, and I admit that I sometimes feel like I'm an imposter in my own life. I have all of my memories, all of my previous abilities, and a greater understanding and empathy for those going through serious medical issues. I think that damage to parts of my right hemisphere (although minimal and mostly healed) created a difference in me that is hard to come back from. (Humans typically feel connection to others and their own memories through signals in the right hemisphere of the brain.)

I have this new direction/opportunity in front of me, and I want it. 

The start of it felt slightly jarring, but not in a negative way. It was more like waking up.  

I was surprised, comfortable, and intrigued. It's familiar but new, and I just feel good. 

This feels like a fit; I am just worried about all the ways in which I will not be enough or will be too much. 

The last time I had this chance, I was without the (albeit mild) issues caused by a health problem in 2011, and I feel like I am competition with both my younger, more exciting, and more abled self and others who "measure up" in different, more exciting, and more experienced ways.   

True Friendship: Repairing My Kitchen and My Life

 Yesterday night, I ended a relationship with someone I had been dating for seven months. While things started out on the same page, a friend cautioned me about the situation. 

She stated that while we both have baggage, the "luggage" does not match. This man's unresolved childhood trauma, past failed relationships (including a marriage that ended earlier this calendar year), and his unwillingness to deal with his issues in a way that involved trained therapists all led to our undoing. 

I decided to pursue this relationship anyway. For the first few months, things were good. We enjoyed the same activities (hiking, photography, comedy shows, museums, etc.), and we had plenty of opportunities to spend time together doing activities we both liked. 

I asked him in July for names of some contractors that he works with that he would trust to give me an estimate on some kitchen repairs that I needed. I have asked every week since the second week of July. Every time, he has given me a different excuse, put it off, or "forgot." 

The trouble really began when I introduced him to my two closest friends. One friend - an older woman I befriended while working in educational publishing - and the other - a man to whom I was introduced by a mutual friend. These two people have become "my tribe" while living so far from family, and they both prioritize me in ways that make me feel like I am part of their families. 

The boyfriend really took a liking to the female friend, and he was supportive of me spending time with her. He instantly disliked my male friend and began accusing me of inappropriate behaviors and banter with said person (despite those things never having happened). 

We should have halted things then, but we continued with the understanding that his insecurities, our mutual overthinking, and our interactions with other people would need to be addressed with supportive transparency. 

In recent months, things deteriorated, particularly when my male friend's mother rapidly declined in health and passed away. By reaching out to check on my friend and his sister, I had "broken" some sort of "rule" to which I had not agreed, My boyfriend explained that I had "prioritized them" by sending them texts to let them know that I am so sorry for their loss and was around if they needed me. 

I was not asked to end my friendship with my best male friend, although my boyfriend had asked that I  spend more time with him in the evenings rather than spending my time talking to the friend every afternoon/evening). I felt this would help my relationship, so I had a conversation with my friend who agreed that it was probably good for us both to focus on our new relationships and limit our catching up. His relationship did not last very long, but he continued to honor my request for uninterrupted time with my boyfriend. 

I do not progress in relationships as quickly as others, and this caused a rift in my relationship. My boyfriend decided that he "knew" why I was not like other people he had dated in the past and it was not that I was just a different person with different values. He decided the problem must be my close friendship with my friend, and he began badmouthing him and then accusing me of doing things with that person (in the past before I met my boyfriend). 

Every time I explained it was inappropriate for him to suggest such things and that he was wrong about his assumptions, he started an argument and cited my failure to "meet [his] needs" and how I was causing ALL the problems in the relationship.  

A week ago, we sat down to discuss the status of our relationship and if either or both of us felt it was salvageable. We both agreed that we needed to do some serious work. On Monday, we met to start the hard work of figuring out the mess we had created. We both expressed that we were going to meet later in the week after we spent time mapping out what we wanted and what we each needed to feel supported and loved. 

I completed my "assignment" and checked throughout the week to see if he was ready to share his, as well. Each day, he presented me with a different reason why he could not get to it - the final one being that he did not feel it was necessary to write down his ideas and he had thrown away the paper. When I asked if he would like for me to email it to him, he just gave a short "No" and changed the subject. 

I mentioned again that I needed the short list of contractors he had promised since one issue was becoming a larger problem now that the temperature outside was dropping lower and lower. He, again, did not have the information I requested. 

I also asked if we could meet on Friday night, and he explained that he hoped we could fix "this." He did not respond when I asked what time or where we should plan to meet. I tried a few times through social media messages and a phone call during the day on Friday. Eventually, he told me to just call him on the phone. 

I did. 

I asked if he felt that we were working, and he said no. We talked for a few minutes, and a mild disagreement started. I asked about what pathways he sees to reach a resolution. He said, "I don't see any way to fix this because you don't prioritize me."

I took a deep breath, silently counted to ten, and said that this relationship was just not working for me. I did not think we were going to be able to fix it. He agreed.

At this point, I said, "We need to stop torturing each other. We bring out the worst in each other, and I think this just needs to be over."

He hung up and then started sending (blasting, really) messages via social media chat. I agreed to talk, and although the result was the same, he unleashed some anger. We ended that call upset. 

Over the next couple of hours, we talked, argued, cried, offered apologies, cried some more, and offered well wishes to each other. 

I woke up sad today, but it did not last long. 

My friend Mark texted me to ask if today is a good day for him to come over to help me repair the plumbing, the wall, and the ceiling in my kitchen. 

We spent today doing just that while he reassured me that I would be okay, that working on myself to spot and avoid people like the (now former) boyfriend in the future is a good use of my time, and talking about life. 

We even made time for a swordfight with the foam insulation tubes for the pipes!

All in all, today was the first day of what I feel could be a path full of better days...and I have a true friend who will help build those better days!

Three Essential Questions

 11/22/2023

I never really followed the show Grey's Anatomy when it was on TV. I know that characterization for TV shows requires a certain level of exaggeration and extremism, and I just could not fully invest in "caricatures" of medical professionals. 

I know real people are not actually like the over-the-top characters, and the hospital-based and personal disasters are unrealistic. I am unsure what I lack in life lately, but I have been pulled into this ridiculous medical drama via Netflix. 

I started at the beginning and am currently in Season 10. In a "recent" episode, one doctor is addressing a patient who is alive and mentally alert despite either breaking his back or his neck. As the patient had expressed a wish to NOT be kept alive by machines, Dr. Yang is verifying that he does, indeed, want to be taken off the ventilator, which will lead to his own death since he is paralyzed from the neck down and his body cannot even breathe on its own. 

The situation is extreme, which both irritates me and entertains me, but the questions really struck a chord with me, and I think they are valuable self-assessment tools for people experiencing a traumatic event AND for people who just need to redirect their efforts for more purposeful living. 

The questions:

1. Do you know who you are?

- I remember being asked this when I came out of my medically-induced coma in 2011. I knew my name, address, birthdate. I did NOT have a strong sense of who I was after the aneurysm rupture, and it took quite a while to regain my sense of self. 

- I think we should all be asking ourselves who we are because life is not experienced in a vacuum, and we experience, react, adapt, and evolve throughout our lives. Do I know who I am? Yes. Will I be the same person five years from now? Probably not. I'll be mostly the same, but life will continue to shape me just as I will continue to shape my life. 

2. Do you understand what's happened to you?

- I recall both my medical team and my parents asking me this question after we determined that I knew who I was. I struggled to comprehend the magnitude of the medical emergency I had just survived, and I certainly was not fully aware of how my life would change. 

I felt like I was an imposter wearing a damaged costume (mostly) shaped like me. Intensive physical, occupational, speech and neuropsychological therapy helped to "patch up" the parts that the doctors could patch up. 

- In a greater sense, I feel that this question is much more cerebral (get it? brain pun!) since it requires an awareness of the past, the present, and the future to provide context for any hardship we endure, especially during the moment itself. 

- In the broad spectrum of trauma (of which I have had plenty...some from circumstance, some medical, some caused by other humans, and some created in my own anxiety-focused mind), the scariest part of this is knowing that some of the worst experiences of my life happened when I was incapacitated and I cannot actually recall everything. I am certain, though, that if I did remember all of it, I would probably have even more issues and triggers. There is an odd peace in missing some of the more horrific pieces. 

3. Do you want to live this way?

- No one asked me this question until I was in therapy for trauma caused by another person. After my aneurysm rupture, subarachnoid hemorrhage, and stroke, I was not given a choice. I was told that I needed to get up and try to fix what was newly broken and damaged in me. There was no option to choose a life in which I did not regain my physical, emotional, intellectual, and social determination and independence. By seeing only a path in front of me to slowly gather and glue back together all the pieces of me, I did not even consider that I had a choice to make. 

- Living this way made it easy to tell myself I was far more healed than I actually was. I only realized that I was not as okay as I believed when someone inflicted additional trauma on me that left me alone, confused, and scared. 

I was referred to a therapist who specialized in this particular type of counseling, and she asked me one day when I was talking (probably ranting) about the anger I felt: Do you want to keep living life this way? She explained that anger feels stronger than fear, but courage is about facing the issues head-on and dealing with the fallout...which will eventually transition into strength and pride in my ability to overcome anything. It took almost two years to work through that pain, and I emerged with a stronger sense of self. 

Thank you, Shonda Rhimes and Sandra Oh, for giving me questions to ponder!

Hiatus Over

 Today, I woke up thinking about the unfinished writing in my life. 

I manage state-level adoptions of instructional materials for an educational publisher, and I do a lot of form-filling, documentation-gathering, communications with educational agencies, and project management. I do not, however, get to do a lot of writing. 

In my last role (which was, technically, a more comprehensive but "smaller" role) with an educational publisher, I did much of the same - form-filling, documentation-gathering, communications with educational agencies, and project management - but I also got to create alignment documents to match educational programs to academic state standards and I wrote business proposals for state adoptions and district adoptions, responded to catalog bids for instructional materials, and  I sometimes even partnered with the marketing team to use my creative writing skills to help market educational materials to different clientele. 

Since my last writing streak on here:

1. I re-enrolled in my Master of Arts (English Studies) program and finished it in 2015. (What's an extra four years for a degree I had planned to finish the year my aneurysm ruptured and I had to shift my focus, energy, and money to recovering from that?)

2. I moved to Massachusetts in 2017 - lived in 4 different apartments there (one of which was with my now ex-boyfriend Chris, whom I was with 2014 - 2020). I turned my full-time job into a part-time position and have worked in higher education, temporary positions in various fields, and in educational publishing. Both of my cats are gone. Alison died in 2020 at age 18, and Natalie died in 2021 at age 19. Chris's cats Mimi and Creature have also died (both in 2022). They had also been "my" cats in the two years Chris and I lived together.  

3. I moved to New Hampshire in 2022 when I bought my first house. It's an okay place; I just feel like I am in the M. C. Escher paiting Relativity because I have stairs everywhere. I'm not thrilled by the HOA and its drama. I still work in educational publishing and still teach part-time. I currently have a new boyfriend. Really interesting part? He's also a Metro Detroiter (and has an abundance of Detroit-specific tattoos to prove it!) living in New Hampshire.

4. My two closest friends are a 70-year-old woman I used to work with at one educational publisher and a 50-year-old man who a former coworker tried to set me up with since we were both single. We hit it off immediately, but much to Jackie's disappointment after the setup, the only thing that sparked is friendship. 

5. I still teach English and German online and am also looking for more of that, either at the high school level or as an adjunct faculty member in higher education. 

6. I have also started writing a LOT of things but didn't finish. I currently have:

- TV pilot scripts mapped out with some portions scripted for several episodes

- lots of ideas on Post-it notes

- journal entries

- poetry

- short stories and mapped out ideas for books, including a "children's" book series that center on a friend of mine and his dog

- political rants but still no manifestos.

- academic resources that I use in my teaching and others that I sell on Teachers Pay Teachers

- letters

- essays and master's thesis documents, and even some of my own research that has not (yet) been published. Maybe 2024 will kick me in the kiester just enough to submit it to periodicals and journals, as well as for teaching conferences.