KIDS

I met the Canadian's kids. It was a nice day spent with them. I really do want kids someday.

KIDS

So, the Canadian asked if I'd like to meet his kids this Saturday. I told him to talk with them first to make sure that would be okay with them, seeing as Saturday is their day with "Dad." He put off the conversation, telling me he would address it on their car ride back to Windsor tonight. I am now waiting to talk to him to see if this weekend is, in fact, a go or not.

Christmas

I have been stressed for weeks about my $0 income this season. Christmas isn't going to be as big as it typically is in my family.

I did manage to get all presents today. I just need to wrap them and get ready for my weekend guest who will be joining my family for Christmas Eve dinner.

Is it August again?

I ended my relationship with the boyfriend. I couldn't take the daily arguments.


I drove to that nearby country and visited with the Canadian. He took me to a holiday party and we then stayed up late, watching TV. Felt good to experience routine like that.


I stayed there, curled up in the Canadian's arms all night. I've missed that.

Spent all of today talking and cuddling.

We'll see where this might lead....down the same, ugly, hurtful path or a new one...

Friends?

I hung out with someone today. It was supposed to be a short visit - an hour or so. I ended up staying for about six hours. We discussed the elephant in the room - something that we'd attempted to discuss before. This time, we really heard each other, and we reached a new level of understanding that makes me hopeful for friendship, at the very least, and possibly more, if it can all be new.

We ordered pizza and ate in the living room while watching episodes of Wilfred.

Our discussion circled the show, then wove into the fabric of our experiences together in the past. I felt like I belonged there. I was meant to be there.

I don't know how this will lead the story to unfold, but I can only see good things coming from our interaction. I want those good things. The phase of questions has moved from the WHYs to the HOWs....as in how do I get what is so clearly right when the clearly wrong stuff has already happened? Where do I go from here?


So, I drove back from Canada and visited the boyfriend on my way back home. He hurt me. That's all I can really say about it right now. 

Life is about to get more complicated again, and I don't know if I can deal with it. I am trying to be pragmatic, but I'm shaken. 

I can feel it....and if the past is part of it, so be it.

The heart wants what it wants...when it wants it. There is no logic and reasoning with it, and I'm a mess. 

With or Without You.

Why did you treat me that way? Why couldn't you have been gentle with my heart? Why did you have to fuck it all up? I'm miserable without you. I'd be miserable with you until I could forget, and since my memory is still like it was before, I would be miserable forever...

Misery WITH you still sounds better than misery WITHOUT you, I'm afraid.


FML

What I Didn't Expect...

2011 gave me plenty of things I didn't expect....let's look at the list.

1 - a stroke caused by something rare and usually fatal - a ruptured brain aneurysm.
2 - brain surgery
3 - surviving and thriving after brain surgery.
4 - a broken heart when my ex-fiance told me he found someone else.
5 - a best friend who is more supportive and wonderful to me than all of my other best friends over the course of my lifetime. Who would have thought that I could ever grow so close with a former student of mine?
6 - Falling head-over-heels in love with someone from another country, only to have that ripped away from me through his heartless act in September.
7 - A good friendship with someone who'd like to date me and I'd like to date, but the timing is just not right. He doesn't fear my stroke, even though his wife died from one in 2007.
8 - Finding a boyfriend in late November - early December.
9 - Volunteering at an HIV-AIDS center
10 - Making a plan to return to work soon.
11 - Becoming friends with the guy who ripped my heart out of my chest in Sept.


It's been a rough year, to say that least, but the highs were REALLY high. I'm hoping 2012 brings more good than bad.

Going...Going....G....!

I'm not sure if there's been some reconciliation attempts from the Canadian. We finally discuss what went wrong in a calm, collected manner. I don't necessarily understand why we are doing this. We aren't trying to rebuild waht we had, but we both do miss it and each other a lot. Our feelings of mutual loneliness bond us. And enough time has passed that just the smallest of keystrokes on the computer don't make me come apart at the seams.

The new BF is aware of my feelings for someone else. I feel guilty about this and try to get them to stop, but they are still there. I just wish there were a way for me to not feel this way and for the BF to not be so angry about me experiencing the 'human condition.'

Something Familiar

I talked to the Canadian today on Yahoo. The exchange remained positive. I needed the supportive commentary that only the Canadian is able to give in a way that builds me up. Afterward, I felt stupid and weak because the truth is, I really miss him. If he were to end things with his current/ex-girlfriend, is there any way I could ever try something with him again? I say no, but who knows? I had never before felt like belonged anywhere as much as I felt I belonged with him. It was the oddest thing to encounter, especially with someone who isn't even from my own country. We just cliqued in the ways that truly matter. I wish he hadn't done what he did. He ruined it. He ruined us.

Hurt and Angry Now

I hate waking up alone, especially when I had plans for someone to stay over. I feel hurt. I feel angry.


WHY did I give in? Why did I let someone get close? FML

A Boyfriend

I haven't shared my good news with many people just yet. It's not Facebook official, but I got myself a new boyfriend.

The heart of the issue....

I'm being offered exactly what I keep trying to offer to someone else. The part of me that wants that is tempted to "settle" for the seemingly lesser person just so that I can experience that sense of belonging and such. The guy is a nice guy - a really nice guy - so I wouldn't necessarily be setting myself for anything detrimental, but the heart wants what it wants, right?

Faith in You.

You give me faith that God exists and that I'm actually supposed to experience real happiness. Why won't you just commit and love me? What do I need to do to make you feel safe and loved and okay with taking such a huge leap of faith?

I have faith in you. Can you please have faith in me?

Stood Up

I had plans with someone new tonight. He was a no-show. He called right around the time I returned home. He claims he was there; he just wasn't paying attention to the door at the restaurant and totally missed me standing there, waiting.. I waited for 30 minutes and left.

He has a phone issue - it only works if he has wi-fi connection, so he didn't get my calls until he returned home. Do I chalk this one up to miscommunication and make future plans to see him or do I tell him to never contact me again?

Halloween

Pagan New Year.

And it feels like new directions are necessary.

Can I just stay in and cry tonight?

The End of an Okay Week

So, Tupperware man said he's going to leave me alone...and he sent two texts to reiterate that point.


I went to a lecture at U of M yesterday afternoon. I felt the need to explore more academic ideas than I've been doing at home.

Tonight I have a date, although I'm not entirely sure I'm going to go through with it. I am still very hurt by what the Canadian did, and I know I am not necessarily ready to get out

Tupperware Man and other stories

So, the revenge meeting person turned out to be very heavy into daily drug use.

I met another POF guy. His name - Joe. He has turned out to be obsessive and possessive. I'm not quite sure how to rid myself of him. The shit hit the fan yesterday, and I am trying like hell to distance myself from him as quickly as possible. I started calling him Tupperware man because he refuses to return some Tupperware of mine.

I went to meet someone in Windsor. I stopped to see Steve. He and I had a very calm and polite conversation. Part of me really misses him, even though I'm still hurt.

The new Windsor guy seems friendly...not interested in more than friendship, which is fine by me.

Went to meet a guy named Andy tonight. The meeting was friendly, but I had hoped there might be some sort of spark since he's a nice guy...never married, no kids. And he's cute....very cute.

A Dose of Reality

So, it's been a while since I wrote anything here. I've been seeing a Canadian guy for over a month now. He devastated me yesterday when I simply asked if he'd been with anyone else since we started dating.

He replied, "I don't want to hurt you, but yes, I have."

He said it just happened, almost like someone just wakes up hits the snooze bar or something. And it happened two wweeks ago with his ex-girlfriend. I'm so completely hurt.

I truly care for the guy, and I am trying to be mature about this. We aren't in an exclusive relationship. How do I just let something like that go and move on from it? I've been going on dates and I've kissed a few people, but that is definitely not the same thing as having sex with someone.

As revenge, I went back on plentyoffish and started talking to someone. I'm really glad I did. I ended up going to meet this really nice guy from Waterford. He's yet another father for the collection of fathers I have been seeing, but he's really down-to-earth and normal. He even understands that whole aneurysm thing. Part of it is his background in the medical field. The other is that his family is riddled with them. I could totally see going out with him again.

THe Life I Had Planned

Nothing ever works out the way one plans, and I am trying to surrender myself to this notion.

I truly believed I would be married by now - married to the man who has been the focus of the past ten years of my life. That ended.

I'm trying to get my bearings in this single world, and I've already made some mistakes, I'm afraid. I'm not sure what I should be doing.

The Downward Spiral

My fall from grace shall be a big one. I'm flirtatious and I feel as though I am bordering on crazy.

I went out to a club with someone who has become a very close friend over the past 4-5 years. While we have a tremendous friendship, I do realize that it looks bad that I am now hanging out in the social scene with him.

So, today my mother and father decided that I hadn't had enough verbal assaults, so they decided to make up for lost time. Apparently, I've just been sitting around, doing nothing for the past three months. They made it clear they don't like my attitude, that they think I'm a bitch, and that I am a complete burden. According to them, I am acting like a spoiled and stupid teenager.

I just really want to die. I've been making tremendous progress, but when they can't even try to be supportive people, what's the point of trying to prove anything further? I just want it all done. I want to no longer have to be a part of any of this.

And to think, this weekend started with so much promise. I'm still looking forward to tomorrow and the little bit of freedom Ryan will provide. My parents

Porcelain doll

Something doesn't feel right. I don't fit this helpless mold I'm expected to fit into. I wear out a lot more quickly than I have over teh past few months. I constantly feel as though I'm going to faint. I tell mhy parents and they do nothing. In fact, they tell me to just sit down and wait - as if that is going to help.

I haven't felt like I was falling apart since I was in the NICU back in March. I know my issue is most likely psychological, but it is still wearing me out. I was feeling pretty empowered when I started running again, so this slowed pace makes me want to just give up. I never accept giving up as an option, so I'm sure I'll push right through this...

I just wnat Monday to get here. Ryan is picking me up so that we can join the rest of our ukulele group in the Ann Arbor parade. Afterward, Ryan and I will be hanging out in Ann Arbor. I don't know what sort of shenanigans we'll get into, but a day out will be nice. I need more days out, away from my parents, away from therapy, away from the BS of recovering.

I am so irritated that I am still stuck at my parents' house. I hate it here. I hate that I have to rely on my parents to take me places, to buy me food, etc. This doesn't jive with the adult I became over a decade ago. And, unfortunately, I can't see an end any time soon. It needs to happen soon. This arrangement is making me want to kill myself. I don't see the point in sticking around if I can't have my life back.

Why am I hearing almost identical remakes of what were already great songs? I heard a remake of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus today. I was disappointed that there was no attempt to make it "their own." Creativity can't be dead!

Remaining positive about life is difficult. My therapists say that this is common, but I don't really have a method to combat this....other than begging my friends to give me positive feedback and encouragement. I no longer have motivating brain chatter, and I miss it.

I find that I often just seek distractions from this silent and painful Hell.

I still cannot believe that I've had brain surgery...at 30!....at 30!!!

It's crazy because I had no symptoms for the HUGE time-bomb that was in my brain.

I am not you. You are not me. Truth be told. I barely feel like me now.

Boundaries

My mother does not understand the concept if boundaries. She barges into my room in the morning to lecture me on what she thinks I should do, think, or feel. I just want this to end.

Not sure why I feel so alone. It could be that not many people visit. It could be that no one can really relate to what Ive been through. I'm struggling with all of this

omeone suggested I repeat a mantra or something every morning. I think that idea is complete bullshit. I

Recollections - NICU & Rehab floors

I don't remember a lot of the neuro ICU. I screamed and cussed a lot. I had tubes everywhere, and nurses repeatedly had to put arm and leg restraints on me to keep me from pulling everything out. Unfortunately, the hospital staff decided to insert a catheter into my bladder while I was conscious. I fought the best I could, but they forced it in.

Lots of people visited, but I recall nothing of the visits.

The Rehab floor was slightly better, but I was still miserable. The medication didn't do anything to help me feel better. My vitals were checked constantly, especially once I had fallen asleep. The medication was typically in pill-form and didn't go down easily. The injections in the stomach (to prevent seizures, I think) were bad, but I was able to tolerate them toward the end of my hospital stay.

Therapy felt like torture, and I hated leaving my room for this regularly scheduled anguish. The diaper-lady roommate made me freak out about germs. The family was always around, and I felt crowded. I paced the halls a lot once I was allowed to use a cane.

I called a number of friends today, even though I knew most would be at work. I just needed contact with people.

It's Good to Hear Your oice

This is what I want people to say to me. I want to hear how you are happy I am still alive, that I am not just a memory, even though I may be in your memories.

Salt in the Wound

Lat week, Jeremy felt the need to make it clear to me that we are not and will never again be together. While I was aware that we weren't together, we were making progress prior to my hospitalization. I think his timing last week was bad - I am struggling to find solid ground on which to build myself back up, and having the proverbial rug pulled from under my feet was not helpful. I became very depressed and felt myself sink into the blankets and pillows on my bed. I cried for several hours.

Luckily, I have some really wonderful friends who keep picking me up and dusting me off. James made sure to hang out with me over the weekend. I really needed the time out and the supportive discussion. I wish there were words that could convey how thankful I am to him for being a good friend when i needed one.

Good Day

James picked me up and took me to Ann Arbor. We parked the car and walked through the Diag to my favorite place in Ann Arbor. We talked about relationships, recovery, pain, and work.

We stoppedd for sandwiches at Amer's - my favorite sandwich shop in that entire city. I was thrilled to be conversing with such a good friend, but even more thrilled that I recovered a memory of the day prior to my aneurysm rupture - an entire day that has become a gap in my memory. I recalled where I was sitting when hanging out with Wes on March 13th. I didn't neceesarily need that memory to move forward with my life, but I wselcomed it, nonetheless.

James an I then went to a book store where I vowed to NOT buy "bargain books."

We walked down Main Street, and then headed to my condo in Ann Arbor to check on my cats. We talked for a couple of hours, which was really nice. I like that he doesn't expect me to be exactly who I was prrior to this whole nightmare. Eventually, he brought me back to my parents' house where we watched the tail end of the baseball game.

All-inall, it was probably the best day I've had since waking up after surgery.

I'm making progress. My parents tell me this regularly, but it only really means something to me when my therapists tell me this. I still have a very long way to go. This is becaue my therapists see this every day. My left side is buliding alot of strength (the right cerebral aneurysm has had a huge impact on the left side of my body).

I'm reading a lot lately. It's work that causes me pain, but thre is just so much I feel I need to learn about this aneurysm (especially because the clipping procedure is no guarantee that it won't burst again and cause another stroke and/or death).

My eyes are finally returning to the left when reading paragraphs. It used to take a lot of conscious effort, but now it just happens.

Yeseterday, my physical therapist said I am doing things already that I shouldn't be able to do because of the level of trauma and the relativelyshort amount of time since my surgeries.

The pain is the same as it was when I firstr woke up in th ehospital. There is a part of me that almost wishes I were still there - I"d probably b getting morphine at this point. Oxycodone and Tylenol do nothing for me. I"m in constant excruciating pain, and I wonder why I'm even bothering to stick around.

I know that I will be able to recover and rebuild if I stick to the the program, but it's difficult.

I'm glad that my left brain is doing fine (overanalysis, language, etc.). I don't know how I"d be able to handle this is I couldn't communicate or pick things apart.

I'm beginning to hate my parents. They don't seem to believe me when I tell them I'm in pain. My dad even goes so far as to tell me I am just not trying to relax and fall asleep. I am hating every second in thi shouse. I almost want to die to cause them some pain.

I tried calling a friend I haven't seen in a while earlier toay, but he must have been busy because he didn't take my all. I really needed to feel like it's okay to feel what I feel (an dbecause my parents have told me that that is just not how it's going to be - I am to feel happy and stop being a bitch all the time).

I wish someone would take me away from this crap. I don't know when I will reach my breaking point, but it will probably be soon.

My parents said I need to stop being so stubborn. This was in response to my statement that the medication isn't helping. Apparently, according to my parents, a personality trait is the cause of my pain. I, somehow, must be able to block the natural proogression of chemicals throughout my body just because I am a stubborn person.

Where does this logic originate?

I am so sick of being blamed for things not working the way they are supposed to.

"Unfortunately, healing just hurts sometimes."

A nurse at the hospital said this to me on night when I asked for my pain medication. I'm acutely aware that she simply didn't want to be bothered with counting out my pills again, but the words are, nonetheless, true.

I am at my parents' house, regularly taking my medication, but the pain never eases.

My parents are doing their best to help me, but no one knows what something is like until they go through something similar. Telling me, "Yeah, I know it hurts." does not console me. It makes me feel like they think this can be cured with kind words. That's just not true.

I just had brain surgery twice in one month! It hurts to hear, to talk, to yawn, to smile, to talk, and to think. I can't will the pain away. My dad even said that I"m hining and moaning to "gt attention." That showed me that he's nowhere near to understanding this, even though he watched his father battle to reoover after a stroke, which is quite similar to what I suffered.

I want to be normal again. I want to be able o look back on this and derive some sort of lesson from the universe.

Recovery - Day whatever

I am struggling with the intense pain of recovery. My pain medication doesn't really do anything at this point, and part of me is wondering why I bother to take it at all.

It's Easter, and I feel miserable. There is a part of me almmost wishing for my body to give out.

I don't wish to die. I know there are many ways I could kill myself, but I won't do that.

I jusst really need relief from this. It's unrelenting. It feels like I've somehow been caught in a vice.



I keep wondering what I did to deserve this, and then it hits me that no one deserves stuff like this. It just happens.
I have no idea when I will feeel like myself again. It could be a month. It could be a year. It could be never. Having absolutely no control over any of it makes me feel weak and useless.

Crying about it and feeling sorry for myself don't help, either. I need a new plan.

The aneurysm

I am just returning to the world after a close call with death.

I didn't know I had an aneurysm developing. It ruptured in March. My school called my emergency contacts (my parents) when I didn't arrive at work. I guess that is what perfect attendance will earn you - a concerned phone call). I have no recollection of the event. I don't even recall the day prior. I think I hung out with Wes, but I'm not sure. I spoke to my sister on the phone until midnight, but I only know that because she told me that while I was in the hospital.

I don't recall anything until I woke up in ICU. This, apparently, was after a couple of weeks. I had had surgery the first day and then again a week or two later. The first was to clamp the bleeding aneurysm; the second was to replace the chunk of skull bone they had ripped out to find and stop the bleeding aneurysm.

I don't recall much of the ICU. I don't remember who visited me. I spent most of the time unconscious.

I remember going in for brain scans.

I remember feeling like I could have made a mental decision to die there and escape the pain I felt even while unconscious, which didn't seem logical overall. I almost made peace with leaving my mortal coil behind. What made me want to live was when I became aware that nurses had placed restraints on me. This only brought out the fighter within. I think I decided at that moment that I would not be letting anything or anyone make my decisions for me.

I recall moving into my room on the rehabilitation floor. I was not pleased about sharing the room with a woman whose family couldn't be quiet. Therapy started soon thereafter. It was painful to move, think, and, even, to rest. My therapists were fairly understanding of my plight, but they wouldn't let me use it as an excuse to get out of any work. While I wanted to rebel, I recognized that what they were doing was actually good for me.

I had trouble keeping sequential things in order, especially my days. I can't tell what's happened first, second, third, and so on. It's really frustrating. I also don't interpret visual input well. I have left visual neglect, which outpatient therapy is going to really help with. I just started seeing faces in everything. They aren't always pleasant, human-looking faces, though, which, at night, frightens me. I feel like a stupid and scared child. I am hating almost every second of recovery, even though I know it is leading to my return to full health.

Is Germany the answer?

I slept like a rock last night. This was after sleeping soundly the night before and two naps during the day. This trend worries me a bit, to be honest. I've been needing more and more sleep lately, and there is no reason for it.

I dreamed last night that I was visiting Germany. I found I wasn't scared or worried that I would get lost, etc. I felt very comfortable there. I saw a few places I really want to see in real life. The images in my head, although in 3D, were most likely inaccurate because I've only seen video and/or photographs of those places. I was walking along streets, visiting with new (and some old) friends. This dream tells me that I really need to apply for the English position in Heidelberg I saw yesterday for next school year.

I don't want to live in a place that devalues me daily. I don't want to live in a place that is close to making me move back in with my parents. Something's got to give, and unfortunately, it won't be the government, society, etc.

I keep thinking about all the obstacles in the way when I should be seeing this as an opportunity to do something meaningful.

2/27/11 - 5:15 a.m.

If I let myself, I can make an even bigger mess than the one I created two years ago when I was going through hell. This time, though, I can't blame a severe vitamin deficiency creating a mental imbalance (and everyone thought I was just having fun...crazy looks like fun from the outside, but it truly isn't when you are the one experiencing it). Being unhappy with life and relationships didn't help matters much, either.

I suppose the mark of being stable is that I can make the choice to not F things up. I wish I would have taken better care of myself years ago. I wouldn't be in this empty, lonely, horrible place I am now. The fact that I can see the cause-and-effect relationships clearly now is good. I don't have to travel the same path twice.


I reached out today to someone today, but he wasn't able to help me. I don't know why I am surprised every time I repeat this (I should probably redefine what it means to be crazy or stupid). For some reason, I keep hoping that he will be different - that he will be able to provide with me the behaviors that will send me into that elevated place where I can say that he gets it - that he gets me - that everything works the way it is supposed to. Oh, well.


This next week and weekend are going to be busy. I return to work to go through MME testing. It's not going to be pleasant by any means. It should be okay, though. I'll manage. I have a performance with CCB on Saturday in Okemos and a performance with AACB on Sunday in Ann Arbor. I am feeling a little stressed because I also have someone's birthday to celebrate on Sunday, and an out-of-town friend will be coming back for the weekend to see family and friends. We've grown closer over the past couple of years, and I like that he really isn't the same as he was in high school. He has asked that we hang out, which is cool with me. I am determined to find a way to fit all of this fun into my weekend.

McD's

I absolutely hate the McDonald's commercial with the people doing a choreographed hand-dance sequence because, supposedly, they are so thrilled about the Caramel Mocha. I feel embarrassed for the people who signed on for that advertisement. They will forever be linked to such a stupid marketing ploy.

The coffee drink may be delicious, but I am not inspired to find out. In fact, I want to boycott it because of the stupidity displayed in that commercial. I don't think I would be inspired by a more mature approach simply because I rarely visit McDonald's. I guess I just feel like complaining.

Career Plans

I've been thinking about my career lately. It's not a career I truly anticipated upon graduating from college, but I was open to the possibility. I found, early on, that it was the right path for me to take. Now I worry that it isn't.

I'm not dissatisfied with the work that I do. I love teaching. I love helping young people mature through study, discussion, and practice. I love seeing them achieve more than they thought possible.

Rather, I find the constant cuts and changing measures of success problematic. If the target is always moving, it's difficult to plan. I know that, in life, targets are always moving, but sometimes in education, they aren't. The stakes are simply changed in an effort to suggest that students are not advancing. This means, in short, that if you raise the standard that has been accepted for years as "minimum," schools will no longer be considered effective, even though the graduates may be able to critically think about the world and apply all of the necessary skills for study for work. It comes down to dollars.

The reasons I am considering leaving this field have to do with money and expectations.

The money issue is quite simple. I can barely afford to pay my bills now, and I live very frugally. I often go without things I know I need because I know that I cannot afford them. It has taken a toll through the years. There are more cuts expected - not because we have fewer students but because legislators seem to think that public school teachers have been earning too much. My ten-month salary in no way resembles what others earn in ten months in any other field with my level of education. I am required to take classes, earn additional certifications and degrees, but I have to pay for them out of my own pocket. I have to attend conferences, etc., on my own dime. I am not given adequate resources in the classroom, so I have to purchase them with my own money. I bring most of my work home with me so that I can finish what is impossible to complete during my workday. I do not receive compensation for this. I've done the research, and I'd actually earn more per year in a variety of different fields for which I am qualified. I'd have to give up the two-month "vacation," every summer, but I end up having to take classes, anyway, so it's really not a vacation at all. Oh, my retirement actually won't exist by the time I am old enough to retire, despite having purchase the five-year's credit because my first five years of teaching were not in this system.

The second reason has to do with expectations. All expectations for student success are placed on teachers - NOT administrators, school board members, parents, or the students themselves. I may see a student for a total of five hours each week, if they have good attendance, and I have to compete with cell phones, socializing, etc. I do the best I can. I show up early and stay late (very late most of the week). I give up my lunch break when students need extra help and will not show up outside of school hours. I put responsibility on my students' shoulders. This is now frowned upon by school leaders and parents. I want to be part of the good fight, but when I am expected to somehow teach (raise) someone else's child without some sort of support, it makes me distrust the entire system.

I don't know if this is just an especially bad year or if I really should be venturing back out into the career fairs, etc. I am thinking, though, that something's got to give. I don't know how much more I can take.

At least music is taking over my life again. I might be well-practiced enough to audition for a small professional orchestra somewhere. I could be okay with a 10-hour a week gig, with concerts, if I have another decent-paying job that will allow me to do that.

Setting a Precedent

Some friends of mine had something to say about someone else who wasn't at a recent gathering. I felt the need to defend him, even though what they were saying could be seen as true from an outside perspective. They said that he isn't happy unless he is complaining.

I was very bothered by this because I have been around this individual when he's been happy, and I didn't like that others couldn't see him that way. I jumped in to defend him and then realized that my reality and friendship with this person are quite different from others' realities and friendships with him. I felt honored that I know him differently, but I also felt stupid that I assumed everyone must see this side of him.

In any case, I hate being thrown into that role - as defender - because other people want to discuss someone who isn't there to defend him- or herself. It doesn't make for the most enjoyable gatherings, but when people know where some limits are, I suppose it sets the tone for what is right and wrong. I guess I don't mind being the person who sets that precedent.

Socks & a Solid Man

"I could see all kinds of sock."

Christine said this about Aaron's shorter-than-normal pants when they went to a concert on Friday night. Christine doesn't mince words, and I could almost hear the conversation she must have had with him when she saw his fashion faux pas. She said that she waited until he brought it up, which he did. I don't know what would possess him to bring up his own poor sense when he is doing everything in his power to impress her.

On a related note, Rob M. called me that night to make me aware of Aaron's pursuit of Christine. Rob has become quite the friend. I cannot express how much it meant to me that he was looking out for her, how he paid attention to the irritated and uncomfortable expression on her face, and how he made sure he got a hold me to keep her safe.

Most of my friends have retreated from me last year. It hurts knowing that people just don't want to be around me, but I know that I burned some bridges during my less-than-stable portion of my life. It sucks that since regaining stability and direction, other people don't want to be around me as much. Perhaps I am not as easily influenced, and therefore, not as fun for others. I will take and cherish these newer friends. They are probably better for me, anyway.

Gorillas

At the end of every work day, I meet with two teachers whose classrooms are near my own. We share the ridiculous moments of the day, the struggles we need help with, and general complaints about dealing with adolescents.

On Friday, I worked late. Really late. Part of it was grading student work. Another part was hanging out with the custodian Ronnie who cleans my room. We've struck up a nice friendship this year. While I was still grading student work, Liz stopped by to share her amazement with some students she has in class. She had taken them to the computer lab to do some research. Now, her students are primarily twelfth graders. She was circulating throughout the computer lab area and overheard two students discussing a topic not related to their assigned task. Naturally, she listened to figure out how to approach the subject of putting them back on task without causing a scene.

"Are gorillas real?"

"Yeah, I think so. I think I saw one at a zoo once. But they might not be."

She said both students went silent and began working on the assignment again.


Now, I understand that our students come from different backgrounds, but it shocks me when a 17- or 18-year-old has no idea whether or not a gorilla is an actual animal. Something has happened in our culture that has allowed students to float in a state of make-believe and has provided very little exposure to the natural world.

I will admit that I have spent the last two days chuckling over this absurd dialogue that Liz swears is true.

I'm left wondering, though, if I mentioned it to Ronnie. He would get a kick out of that.

I can imagine myself asking tomorrow, "Hey, Ronnie, did we talk about gorillas on Friday?"

He'd probably respond with questioning look and say no.

I'd then tell him that if he makes it to my room before I leave, he has to remind me to talk to him about gorillas.

Goals for 2011

(the beginning of the list)

Perform with the Ann Arbor Concert Band
Perform with the Canton Concert Band
Perform with the Ypsilanti Symphony Orchestra
Play and sing with the Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti Ukulele Group
Train for and run in the Dexter-Ann Arbor 10K in June
Donate twenty items every month to charity
Finish my MA project and earn my degree
Go on a road trip
Plant and sustain a garden and flowerbeds
Successfully knit something other than a scarf
Find a regular chess opponent
Read a minimum of ten novels/plays/etc.

:-(

I feel betrayed by two friends.

A Dream

I keep dreaming that my car is stolen. I go to pick up pizza and someone steals it from the parking lot while I am inside the building. I never learn, even though I remember during each dream that my car was stolen from that same spot every time. I routinely lock the doors, look back at the car, enter the building, and then within a minute of standing in line or reaching the counter, I look back out the window to see my car is nowhere to be found.

With what I know about the meaning of dreams and psychology, this probably means something along the lines of loss of how I move through life in regard to some of the qualities that define who I am: relationships, work, etc. The relationships that used to keep me going aren't there anymore or, at least, they don't move me the same way. Work doesn't really have opportunities for advancement that other fields offer. In any case, the dream probably has to do with some sort of failure or loss.

2011-01-29

I've always been so open with my feelings in the past, but I haven't felt as ready to share the more intimate details of my psyche lately when I speak to friends. I'm not sure if I am trying to protect them or protect myself. Even here, I didn't express everything, mostly because I didn't want others to know how deeply I was hurting. I realize now that I perpetuated this feeling because I let my worry about others' perception of me get in the way of healing.

I think I might train for a 10K. That way, I can find yet another outlet for, or distraction from, all of my emotions.

I woke later than I had expected, but the wake-up was better than I had expected. I felt motivated to do laundry, reorganize some of my dresser drawers, research different items for integration into my Shakespeare teaching unit, map out my calendar for the upcoming months (I'm incredibly busy, which I didn't expect), and watch The X-Files, Season 2. I find that having it on in the background makes me a bit more creative and ambitious. I'm still not sure why that is, but I'll take it.

I showered upon waking and my day is moving much more smoothly than other days when I wait an hour or so before officially starting my day. I allowed my hair to air dry, and I find that I rather like the wavy quality of my hair today.

These are all just random thoughts, but I don't care. It feels nice to be enjoying natural light seeping into the windows, a n

A New Look

I decided that my old blog page was a little too dark for me.

I just purchased more clothes, a new pastime that has allowed me to explore new trends, etc. I really do prefer the bookworm look, complete with the mild up-do and plastic-rimmed eyeglasses. Skirts, sweaters, flats...it's all starting to fall into place. I've been wearing some vibrant accent colors, although the trusty blacks and grays are still the primary threads.

I don't feel a hundred percent today, but some recent stress on top of a head cold sort of set me up for a weekend of rest and relaxation. Tempers are flaring at work. Schedule changes, accountability checks, exams, etc. It's all taking a toll on those around me. I, on the other hand, don't really feel worried.


I do feel somewhat left behind by my friends lately. I've been slinking back into the shadows because I think I know what I want and I am distancing myself from those who want something different for me. I learned that my friends have strong opinions about who I should be with. It's no one's decision beyond my own. I really don't want to hear their suggestions that I should be with someone else because they would be with someone else. They do not know all of the details about the different people in my life. It is not their business to know. I stopped asking for commentary or for others to listen some time ago, but they do not stop telling me what to do. When I ask them to stop, they become irritated and state that they are "just trying to help." Then they tell me that it is my decision, and I can do what I want. This would be fine if they meant it. I can understand tone quite well, and the tone each uses indicates to me that they don't believe I can make the right choice for myself.

It's disappointing that people think that I shouldn't live my own life on my own terms.

I probably won't be spending the time I used to on sustaining these friendships. I just feel like there are some people I can leave behind now. I never tell them how to live.

My Friend

Your job is to support me. Maia taught me that last summer.

I've had close friends my entire life, but I suppose I didn't fully understand what the purpose was until now. I'd always been there to listen to my friends, but I don't think I had ever truly felt supported until Maia came into my life.

She is one of the most amazing people I have had the privilege to know. She has a beautiful family, a career that allows her to support others in their times of need, a darling husband who seems so completely terrific, and a wise kindness that allows her to see beyond what the rest of the world sees.

She told me last summer that although she had her own ideas about where my life might be heading, she knew she was supposed to support me in the choices I make - that the choices are MINE to make.

I think a lot about this particular conversation we had. It became clear that she stands out among my friends. She is one who isn't talking about me negatively behind my back. She isn't telling mutual friends that I need to leave behind the most important relationship of my life. She isn't lecturing me about still not being where I think I should be. She isn't giving me bad advice about meeting and interacting with new men.

Maia, you are an exquisite human being. You have experienced so many things, positive and negative, and you've never let anything keep you down. You are one of the most positive and wonderful people I've ever met. I am so fortunate to know you, and even more fortunate to have you as a friend.

Thank you for being the person you are.

The Need

I keep wishing for clarity without actually doing the work that would lead to clarity. I kick myself for not knowing which direction is right for me. The most I have done is figured out several directions that are not right for me. I get foggy, though, and backtrack when I am feeling unhappy.

I feel selfish worrying about my love life. I act like this is the biggest issue in the world, simply because it affects me, but there are others facing far bigger challenges and limitations. I should be focusing on ways to help them regain what they have lost or never had to begin with.


A handful of friends keep asking me why I am filling up my free time with music. This is why. When I play music, the worrisome inner monologue quiets and I can actually think. I can feel what I am supposed to be feeling. I can name those feelings. I've had so much imbalance in my life over the past couple of years that I was unable to process my emotions the way I need to process them.

CCB provided me a starting point to build up my performance skills again. AACB has provided me the chance to focus, fuse the right and left hemispheres of my brain, and challenge myself to be more in tune with purpose, beauty, and the rhythm of life. The AAYUC has given me license to be a little different, much like I feel when around most people. The very brief time I have been with the YSO has allowed me to be moved by the emotion of music written for the entire range of orchestral instruments. The chords aren't just breath. They are extensions of emotion and movement starting deep inside. I've needed this for a long time.

No Resolutions for 2011

I was actually happy for 2010 to pass. Granted, there were many uplifting, wonderful moments (friends getting married, independent road trip, new romantic interests, new musical paths to follow, etc.), but the emotions of 2010 ran high, and I struggled to regain my bearings for most of the year. I know my friends tired of hearing me talk in circles and act in ways that didn't necessarily jive with what they had helped me understand about myself. It was, basically, a year of truly starting over, complete with the immature, self-indulgent moments that made me feel as though I had returned to my teenage years in the worst possible way.


I'm looking forward to new experiences tempered better with my resolve. I'm looking forward to picking a direction and seeing it through. I'm choosing to not state resolutions for this year because I understand that habits take time to break, and I have to allow for setbacks that aren't necessarily allowed in the scope of resolutions. One setback equals failure, and I refuse to let a setback destroy the work I am doing in practice or in belief.


Here is what I have already slated for 2011:

1. Canton Concert Band (although I may leave this group)
2. Ann Arbor Concert Band
3. Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti Ukulele Group (We are planning to have shirts made and participate in the Ann Arbor Festifools Parade this year, if time allows.)
4. Ypsilanti Symphony Orchestra (I'm trying them out for their first concert of the season. I'm not entirely sure if I will be sticking with them.)
5. Teaching (of course)
6. Finishing my grad project and earning my MA
7. A road trip to a still-undetermined place (possibly with friends, possibly alone again)


I'm considering starting voice lessons because I want to learn how to sing properly. I also want to take guitar, piano, and ukulele lessons. Heck, I'd even consider some drum set lessons again, because I can't seem to direct myself like I used to.