A common theme in my relationships is this constant balancing act. I have been told I am "too much" in the same breath I have been told that I am "not enough."
I am too much of some things and never enough of others, so it creates this strange dichotomy that results in never measuring up to what someone else is looking for, what someone needs, or what someone wants.
News flash: I fall short of perfect...and sometimes I even fall short of good.
It does not mean that I don't expect more out of myself. I don't like some of the permanent changes I see in myself, and even one of my neuropsychologists told me that the trick will be to find new ways to try to control, mold, and even accept these parts that I consider "less than" what I want.
- We pretend to be mature and confident in our teens.
- Our twenties are full of mistakes and missed opportunities.
- We establish ourselves as true adults - separate from our youths - in our thirties. My thirties included relearning how to walk, read, and function like I did before).
- It seems as though my forties are the start of just not giving a damn anymore about what others expect or want from me. My forties feel like they belong to me.
It took a long time to even feel like me again, and I admit that I sometimes feel like I'm an imposter in my own life. I have all of my memories, all of my previous abilities, and a greater understanding and empathy for those going through serious medical issues. I think that damage to parts of my right hemisphere (although minimal and mostly healed) created a difference in me that is hard to come back from. (Humans typically feel connection to others and their own memories through signals in the right hemisphere of the brain.)
I have this new direction/opportunity in front of me, and I want it.
The start of it felt slightly jarring, but not in a negative way. It was more like waking up.
I was surprised, comfortable, and intrigued. It's familiar but new, and I just feel good.
This feels like a fit; I am just worried about all the ways in which I will not be enough or will be too much.
The last time I had this chance, I was without the (albeit mild) issues caused by a health problem in 2011, and I feel like I am competition with both my younger, more exciting, and more abled self and others who "measure up" in different, more exciting, and more experienced ways.
