No Working Title

I have been posting both here and on MySpace lately, and I can never keep straight where each of the posts go. While this doesn't seem like a big issue, I find that my life seems to be broken into categories and I don't know where everything is.

I have been getting out a bit more lately. Mostly, I've gone to Mike's gigs, on short vacations, or to my own music events. I haven't been getting through the regular day-do-day stuff easily. I am confused and overwhelmed by all of the deadlines I had set for myself. I am lazy about cleaning (although, Jeremy is much more lazy in that area, so I don't always feel so bad). My emotions are everywhere lately, and I feel more insecure than I have ever felt before. I don't really know what I offer the world, and this lack of knowledge makes me feel depressed. The issues I've been avoiding and hiding are constantly on my mind. I tell people I want to talk, and then I just can't bring myself to unravel my world - not that what is in my mind necessarily would do that, but I fear what changes could occur. Would people see me differently? Would people think less of me? Would people get the wrong idea? So on, and so forth.

Usually, I seek counsel with my closest friends. This summer, though, they have all found other things to do. I have never felt so lost. I didn't realize how much I was leaning on them, and I am upset with myself for needing them the way I have. My independence doesn't seem so independent, and my selfishness about needing their ears and minds to solve my problems sickens me. Mike V. is busy with music, which is wonderful for him. He is living the life he should. Reenee is working a regular job with evenings devoted to her boyfriend. Melissa and I have hung out a little - Jeremy tags along, so we don't get a lot of girl talk time. She will be leaving for Jamaica soon, and I feel that we haven't had a lot of time to step back and let our hair down. Beck is working a lot and going to school. Her fiance takes up her evenings, and I can't blame them for wanting to spend time together. She is very aware of one of the things on my mind...probably because she was there years ago when this was an issue before. Mike A. is here every other week. Because he is both my friend and Jeremy's friend, the visits are inconsistent. He comes over for dinner often (I absolutely LOVE entertaining guests and going all out making a gourmet meal, complete with decadent desserts!), and then we try to decide what to do. Half the time he drinks beer with Jeremy; the other half he goes with me to see Mike V. (Mike V., Mike A., and I all joined the same organization in college and have been good friends since). I did recently hang out with Joe, which was different. We talked like we used to, and it felt good to know that there is a part of me that can still connect.

Jeremy is getting back into school, so his attention is elsewhere most of the time. This is good and bad for me. It's my summer vacation, and I just want to spend my time with him. I'm too busy throughout the school year, with teaching and attending grad school (and participating in school events, band, committees, and soon a ukulele group), and I have very high expectations. I don't want to just sit in a room with someone. I want to be the main focus. I know that after 8 years of being together, we might not do that normally, but I want to be like that. Don't get me wrong...he's a wonderful guy. He just has so many different things going on that it's difficult to get a solid routine. And that is half my fault. I am useless if not on a strict schedule with a to-do list in tow. Perhaps I need to communicate these things better to Jeremy so that we get to do more. I suppose the worst part is that I keep finding more and more writing from some really difficult times in my life, and instead of shredding it or burning it or just filing it away, I keep reading every piece to figure out who I was before and during that time and how it relates to who I am now.


I am not sleeping well lately. The night brings no need to rest. Instead, I force myself to venture upstairs around 2 or 3 and then I stare at the ceiling and talk to one of my cats. I have disjointed sleep with short nightmares (that have steadily become worse over the past month). Eventually, I do get more sleep, but I lose much of my morning and feel irritable and tired when I finally get out of bed.


And for some of the positives lately...I've worked out a bit more than I was doing. I plan to go again tomorrow morning, and I will be checking the yoga class times for this month. I need to get that going if I am going to get this body back in shape! I've been doing more "girly" things. I have curled my hair and put on make-up and dressed up lately "just because". I painted my toenails yesterday, even though nobody was going to see them. Knowing that I took pride in that made me feel better. It's odd how something so superficial meant so much to me. I took pictures of myself making faces at my own camera...they were all blurry, but it felt good to act like me again. I cracked inappropriate jokes with some friends. I had a few conversations in German, albeit in a chat forum, with a few of my German-speaking friends (and I found a local group that I will be joining with Jeremy to keep up our skills). I helped Jeremy decide that when he goes back for his second bachelor's degree, he should major in German - he plans to major in history, as well. We received a rowing machine from Jeremy's grandmother. We discussed returning to Germany with Jeremy's parents. They are a little apprehensive about the whole international travel thing, and I think it would so much fun to take them there and get them hooked on international travel. I am considering moving to Germany after I get my PhD. I have plenty of time, but this is something I think could actually happen. Jeremy is now on the same page. I turned down an interview in Macomb County because the timing is wrong right now. If I were to get that job, the things I enjoy most about being in this area would not be possible. I don't even want that job that much, so it was easy to let it go. My roses out front are thriving. My avocado tree is not, but I am nursing it back to health. I've been invited to a Tupperware party, so apparently, I am now an adult.

A step in the right direction

After Jeremy and I reconnected after his weekend away and my weekend hanging out with friends, we decided to really look at where we are headed. I've decided to cancel my interview in Richmond. Richmond is not where I want to be right now - in the future...yes, that could be a great option, but it isn't feasible at this point in my life.

I like being close to my family. My friends are nearby, and those who are a little drive away are still close enough for me to meet them in a mutually-enjoyable area, i.e. Ann Arbor. I don't want to give up that part of my life as it took a while to establish myself here again. I like that I've reconnected with people who were left out of some of my past.

I have about two more years of grad school, that is, before I decide to pursue a second master's degree. I haven't decided if it should be in Reading or German. Both would be so useful. I also would like to pursue a PhD in English and Education (a terrific U of M program that would open doors for me to teach in undergraduate and graduate English and Education classes).

The school where I teach has its issues, but every place has issues. At least I am aware them. I need to spend more than two years in that setting. I have two more years until I reach tenure, at which time my mentor teacher (the full-time German teacher) will probably retire. This will leave me as the main German teacher. I would love this, to be honest. She wanted the administration to hire me because she felt that I was a younger version of her, which is true on many levels. I don't know that I would want to spend my entire career there, but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, would it? Being in charge of the entire German program would be wonderful experience.

I am getting involved in more activities and committees.

I am part of a community band that has brought me back into the music performance fold where I belong.

Now, I need to work on convincing Jeremy to buy a house in Ann Arbor or Dexter - or I should just do this on my own and see where the chips fall.

A Question for You

Does anyone else out there have things they need to say but the words just never reach the surface?

Aug. 1st

Friday, August 1st - off the list
Wednesday, December 31st - off the list

Maybe Wednesday, October 1st? Easy one to remember...
Or Friday, October 31st?
How about Saturday, February 14th?
Or Sunday, March 1st?

A review of my resolutions

I have never been good at keeping up with my New Year's Resolutions, so I've decided to revisit my list and try to get things back in line or change the focus for the latter half of this calendar year.

1. (still in progress) Organizing my home has not happened. Jeremy and I have re-purposed several areas and we need to make adjustments. There is no excuse for our lack of decor, though, as we have many items ready to hang on the walls. We just never follow through.

2. (steps taken) I have joined Lifetime Fitness, I am more active, and I eat a lot healthier (except when we have dinner guests).

3. (not done) I have yet to pick up another instrument. Hell, I haven't even set up my drumset in the basement.

4. (better than before) I have kept a better schedule for cleaning my home.

5. (about the same) I have been writing a little...not the massive amounts I thought I would, but I have been doing some.

6. (no progress yet) The wedding ceremony thing has been put on the back burner while Jeremy and I work on house hunts, career shifts, grad school, new undergrad programs, and traveling.

7. (a couple of steps forward) I've played my uke outside and people on the playground have heard me, but I haven't participated in any open mike nights yet.

8. (DONE!) Jeremy and I visited Munich, Germany, for several days this month! It was a hoot!

9. (some progress) Buying a house is a HUGE deal, especially considering that Jeremy and I don't necessarily see ourselves staying in our current jobs for more than a couple of years. We both want to move, so buying a house right now probably wouldn't be the best idea. We wouldn't be able to sell it.

10. (much progress has been made) I've started to force myself to stop daydreaming. It's not like I don't from time to time, but it is no longer a constant experience.

Broader Horizons

I feel different now. Well, maybe not different. Perhaps more the same...it's difficult to explain, but I shall try. The old me was adventurous. I haven't been that person in quite some time, and traveling to Europe has awakened a part of me that loves all things new. I was scared to travel so far away, even though I would have jumped at the chance prior to graduating from college. It all worked out perfectly, though, and I was able to use some of that German I teach to my students.

The trip wasn't life-changing, but it did broaden my horizons. I wouldn't mind living somewhere else, especially if that place offered ample opportunity to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The U.S. does lack a certain connection I definitely felt throughout Germany (although I didn't visit a lot of places). While in Europe, we used public transportation and walked more than we would have in a typical week here. I can understand why Germans are such a healthy nation.


Other places we plan to visit over the next few years:

London, England
Edinburgh, Scotland
Ireland
Capetown, South Africa
New Zealand
Australia
Austria
Switzerland
The Netherlands
Belgium
Germany (again)
Poland (well, I want to go there to see the land of my ancestors)
Anchorage, Alaska
Montana
northern California
Washington / Oregon
Denver, Colorado

I'm Back!

Jeremy and I made it back to Canton yesterday night. We were happy to reach American soil, even though our vacation was terrific. It was a much-needed experience and escape for both of us. Munich was beautiful. We walked, talked, drank, and took lots of pictures.

More details later...

potato salad and other adventures

I am in the middle of making mustard potato salad. Normally, I don't touch the stuff, but my mother asked me to bring it today. I simplified an already simple recipe, and now I am waiting for the potatoes to cool down so that I can add them successfully. I've made a mess of my kitchen, but that is okay - I actually enjoy cleaning that room.

I met the Mikes the night before last for drinks in Ann Arbor. It was a wonderful night out. A seemed to want to "park it" in only a couple of places, while V and I are always a bit more restless. We seek spontaneity and changes scenes in our evenings out. After A and his brother left for the night, V and I traveled to a trusty old pub. We had wanted to visit the opulent wine bar we've spent time and money in the past, but they are closed on Wednesdays. I was a little disappointed, but I got over it. Side note: I, once again, saw this really familiar-looking guy in Ann Arbor. I have no idea where I know him from. He is at least 21, but he could be a former student or possibly a classmate of mine. I don't want to walk up to him and ask why he is so familiar to me. Perhaps if I see him again within the next few weeks I will say something.

After the pub, we wandered over to a diner for omelets. Mine was excellent, by the way. Mike mimicked the other drunk people at the diner, especially those with strong and loud opinions. It was hilarious.

One of my cats hasn't been feeling well these last couple of days. I decided to spend time with her and just comfort her. She perked up today, but I have still yet to see her eat her kibble. She ate a few treats and now she is rolling around in the sunshine, so I think she will be fine.

I am heading over to my parents' house today. I feel bad that I won't be able to make an appearance at Beck's barbecue, but I suppose that is to be expected. I learned last year that trying to visit with friends at different locations can be difficult to coordinate. Later, I plan to visit with the Posts and see Nathan, Jen, and Spencer. I haven't stayed in contact very well over the past year.

I

I am not following through with the simplest of tasks.
I am not writing.
I am giving up on myself when it comes to yoga.
I don't force myself to exercise.
I feel divorced from my own logic.
I feel like I am stuck in the mud and nobody is helping to free me.
I feel like a failure because I need people to help me.
I have a messy home.
I am not an affectionate person.
I don't feel inspired by anything lately.
I am not knitting as quickly as I would like.
I don't cook the lavish dishes I am capable of preparing.
I take very little pride in myself.
I am not losing weight.
I worry about what everyone else thinks of me.
I still haven't unpacked boxes from two years ago when I moved here.
I am unmarried...still.
I don't own my own house.
I haven't achieved all the things I thought I would by this age.
I am overwhelmed by life.
I have friends who aren't really there for me the way I am there for them.
I have trust issues.
I no longer care about politics - I've lost all interest and faith in our system.
I would disappear to another part of the world if I could take my cats with me.
I expect too much from my fiance.
I expect others to care about me.
I hate talking to my mother on the phone.
I want a job in the TC area, and I think I have an way in. I just need to act on it.
I have boxes and bags ready to donate, but I am too lazy to drop them off.
I don't play the piano anymore.
I haven't set up my new drum set yet, and I've had it since January.
It wouldn't matter if I shut off my phone for a few days. I only get a text message every once in a while, anyway.
I hate being plain.
I am not who I want to be right now.

Patience and Determination

I do not have the patience and determination necessary to accomplish the tasks I've created for myself. I don't know if it is the transition to my summer vacation or what, but it is starting to really upset me. I need the regimented life of a full-time job. I accomplish so much more when I wake early, complete tasks throughout the day, and then come home and complete tasks for myself.

I do recognize that I've accomplished some things, including rearranging my bedroom, obsessively scrubbing my kitchen and bathroom, laundry, dishes, sorting many papers for teaching next year - I've decided to plan the entire year and place all pages in a binder. I've also decided to include elements of cultural literacy to help students make connections between what is just expected of them to know and the literature and writing skills that they need to build. I think starting high school, especially in honors classes, needs to focus on the ideas that shape our culture and why we value so much diversity in literature and writing. I just hate that it is coming together quickly.

I really dislike how I am now determined to find instant gratification in this. That is one element of our culture that I've always felt needed to change, but I've changed instead. I need to get back into yoga. When I go to the gym today, I think I will pick up a schedule of group exercise, so that I can make sure I am doing yoga two or three times a week. It helps so much with weight loss for me - I can tone everything I've been exercising. Also, I tend to be more focused in my daily tasks and writing. The balance and flexibility make me less clumsy.

I should also go to cardio step classes and such. I tend to push myself when I feel that this is competition, even if the competition is against myself - to not look stupid or fat in front of others.

Right now, though, I think I will make myself some breakfast - something healthy...Cheerios, maybe, or steamed grits (even though they taste better fried), some fresh fruit...perhaps I should just plan all of my meals and snacks today and line them up in the fridge.

Credit

My credit score is terrific! I am just irritated that my apartment complex entered my name incorrectly and therefore, it appears that I have an alias. I have to call and get that cleared up. All they did was put things in the wrong order, but still...I don't need any extra hassles when I apply for a house loan or anything.


Today is such a beautiful day. I feel bad that Jeremy and I didn't enjoy it more. I took my car in for maintenance, and then we went to my parents' house for lunch (we were actually going to take my mom to the Strawberry Festival so that she could get an elephant ear or funnel cake, but she didn't want to go). Jeremy and I came home and tried to have one of those conversations that only I initiate - you know, the ones that examine what direction we are going, if things are really headed down the right path, yada yada yada. It didn't result in an argument; on the contrary, we actually tried to figure some things out. Then we parked in front of the TV and watched DEA on Spike.

TV = Soma

Just Wondering

Is it possible to experience "happy" and "unhappy" at the same time? Wouldn't they cancel each other out? Or do they get compartmentalized (which doesn't happen with anger - I know if I experience anger, I am completely angry).

Just want to hear your thoughts out there.

an evening to myself

Jeremy went to visit with his buddy Alex. It's nice to be home and not have anyone else around, except for the cats.

I really wish I had a house. I could be out in the garage using power tools and crafting something useful, like a bookshelf for Jeremy's books. I am tired of hearing that he's planning on buying a case. They are everywhere!!!

I should go to the basement and unpack more boxes while I have no distractions.

I almost peed myself!

After a series of kidney stone-related nonsense, I decided to hit Ann Arbor right square in the ass. Mike and I met for coffee, etc., which was nice. I drank vitamin water and we talked. We both went through stages of completing grading and talking. He is trying to distance himself from his ex-girlfriend Erica and I am always trying to understand myself and my life on some greater level.

Mike and I think so much alike that we often see where the other is going before we get there. I am thankful for a friend like this. (I also have Maureen who is capable of doing this, too!) We posed our little questions and discussed the elements of our lives that we haven't been witness to lately.

After shopping (yes, I am able to hold it together in stores for short periods of time) and going to another coffee shop, we went to Ashley's. I decided to trust my new doctor's assurance that I can have a drink or two while on my medication - there will be no deadly reaction (yippee!). I enjoyed a nice Weihenstephaner Hefeweizen. It was glorious. I had been craving a whiskey sour for weeks, but I didn't think that introducing hard liquor to my medication would be a good thing.

Mike and I examined our lives, as usual. We both tend to be very honest people, almost to a fault, so our discussions go quite deep (and direct). We are never brutal about what we think is going on with each other, but we do offer suggestions and more questions. With the stress in both our lives, as well as our ups and downs in relationships, our conversation seemed to see-saw from dark and blunt to funny and uplifting.

We didn't stay out too late - I blame myself. Had I had more work to do, Mike would have graded more essays and we probably would have stayed out longer. All's well that ends well, though, right? We left A2 by 11. As I was driving home, it became obvious that my kidneys and bladder wanted to reach our destination as quickly as possible. I managed to get home in time. I honestly don't think I could have made it another five minutes.

Those of you with kidney/bladder/urinary tract issues, you have my deepest sympathy. This is only temporary (this time, at least), and I am grateful that I will be normal again within a month or two.

An update

I have stopped writing in a physical journal altogether. I write online every couple of days, and although I love the whole act of scribbling on paper, I find that not immediately logging every thought, feeling, and experience is helping me to live in the moment. Jeremy says I often dwell on things too much. I think that is the nature of being a woman - we are just wired that way. Mike tells me that I analyze things so much that it takes the life out of the moments (which is right, because he does the same thing - we are very much alike that way - I can't tell you how many times he's called me during his dates with women asking for advice or needed to have me mull over his issues with his girlfriends).

The issue is that I want to write in a journal again, but I find that writing at night just causes me to wake up and I become inspired to write poetry and fiction (playwriting has fallen by the wayside lately). I don't know how to wake up and write because I have to leave for work so early in the morning. Also, whenever I go online and blog here or on MySpace, I am distracted by surveys to kill to time and I find myself writing things based on some of the questions posed.


Overall, life is really good right now. Even though Jeremy and I are holding off on wedding plans, we are discussing our life together. We are weighing different options with housing and careers. I am finally starting to look at the big picture that so many people talk about. I've always been a bit nit-picky, and I will certainly continue to be that person on some level, but I realize that most things that irritate me are MY problem and need to be fixed from within.

I feel happy in my teaching, even though the school leaves a little something to be desired. I know that I am making a difference and my kids are wonderful! Word to the wise: if you want to teach a foreign language, go for German. Only the best of the best tend to take German. I rarely have disciplinary issues, and when I do, they are limited to students being frustrated with the content and not knowing how to deal with that frustration. It is rarely, if ever, directed at me, but they might say a cuss word here or there. It truly is a wonderful thing to teach these kids.

My health hasn't been the greatest these last few months. I was quite ill for about two months (and I neglected to visit a doctor for assistance), and then I was hit with a large kidney stone, which has yet to pass and will most likely result in a stint or surgery within the next two weeks. The universe is telling me that I need to spend more time focusing on my health. I often focus entirely on my relationships or my career. This time, it does need to be about me. I went to Lifetime Fitness today. I pushed myself a little too hard and nearly passed out while running on the treadmill. The people at Lifetime are so nice and they came to check on me immediately. I felt like I wasn't being nice enough to them while everything was turning fuzzy and then black. Perhaps I will send a thank you note to them tomorrow.

I worked on my garden again this weekend, which really makes me feel great. I can't wait to get a house with some property (or, at least, a decently-sized yard). I am considering participating in the flowerbed contest in my complex. I could get $100 - $300 off August's rent, if I were to win.

I am taking care of so many things right now regarding retirement finances, grad school (program change), end-of-the-school-year responsibilities, doctor appointments, and so on, but I don't feel stressed. My senior English class will be gone after Wednesday, which means I have more time to grade things for my German classes during the day (when I am not subbing for other teachers - we have a shortage of subs right now). I feel this weird sense of peace. I need to start finalizing my travel plans for the summer (we are going to try to get to Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Alaska, England, and some places closer to home, including Traverse City, Battle Creek/Kalamazoo, and the U.P.). The only way we can afford this is through Jeremy's flight benefits - we are not well-off, by any means! I am applying to the government for loan forgiveness because I am public school teacher - they have changed the criteria over the years, but I do teach a foreign language, and that should help my chances.

I've been working on a few songs of my own on the ukulele. The lyrics need work, but it's nothing I can't handle. Now, I just need to build the confidence to sing in front of others. I should call Mike's voice instructor in Milford.

too much thinking today

Jeremy being away at work leaves me with too much time to think. I did a great deal of cleaning, which is always a plus, but the over-analyzing is getting to me. I worry too much. I consider too much. I daydream too much.

Is it really possible to shut all of that out?

In an effort to focus on something else, I called a couple of friends today. Will is getting ready for a trip out west and Noah is up to the same old shenanigans in Battle Creek. It's funny that I would choose to contact these two, as they are the opposites. One is Mr. Stable and kind. The other is Mr. Wild Man/pseudo-asshole (but never to me).

Will told me about his garden and the overabundance of plants he has for the space. He doesn't want to throw away any of it, but there is just too much. That is just the kind of guy he is - he has too much of a good thing, and can't part with any of it (nor should he!).

Noah, once again, tried to convey that his life is moving in the right direction. It wasn't that convincing because he still cannot sustain a meaningful relationship with a woman while still hitting the bars and strip joints (hardcore) with his buddies. He hadn't quite figured out the connection. I attempted to explain the female perspective on his behavior. I also explained the long-term implications of dating a woman who is completely comfortable with and enjoys going to strip joints with him. I think he gets it now. He said I made sense. And he said he probably won't date those women anymore simply because they always leave him for a woman. (That's got to be crushing to the ego!)

Noah says he wants to find a nice woman who will help him settle down. When will people learn that if they want to change, they must do it - one cannot wait for another to nag the behavior away. Are people waiting for their mothers or something?

I had (and still have) many issues regarding relationships. In the past, I constantly pushed people away in a variety of ways. I sabotaged relationships. I found ways to "escape" what I thought was trapping me. Luckily, I found really decent guys to date over the years - that has not always been my desire. I used to wish for the type that would treat me in a way that validated all of the terrible things I felt about myself.

While I still haven't pieced together all of the details and situations that caused me to be like this, I recognized this was not how I wanted to navigate my life and I made the decision to not be like that anymore. It's not easy, by any means. And it doesn't mean that every step forward is firmly planted. I regress. It happens. Then I make another stride forward.

This Week, in Review

Saturday, April 26 - Visited the ER. Determined I have a kidney stone. Prescribed Vicodin. Slept and felt dizzy from medication.

Sunday, April 27 - Slept. Felt dizzy from medication. Graded student work. Entered grades.

Monday, April 28 - Went to work. Came home after feeling so dizzy from my medication that I nearly vomited in my classroom. Spent the rest of the day sleeping and vomiting.

Tuesday, April 29th - Slept most of the day. Did not feel terrible. Was able to handle the Vicodin.

Wednesday, April 30 - returned to work. Scolded students for terrible behavior in my absence.

Thursday, May 1 - School day went well. Evening - started vomiting and could not stop.

Friday, May 2 - 1:30 AM. Determined I needed to go to the ER again. Pain. Vomiting. Got an ultrasound. Left ER at 5:30 AM. Slept. Did not attend my professional development day.

Saturday, May 3 - Woke several times with pain. Took Vicodin. Went back to sleep. Woke again and worked on garden.

Emergency Room Visit = Vicodin Prescription and a Beautiful Sunrise

I woke at 3:30 this morning to pain in my abdomen and lower back. This level of pain is not uncommon for me, and I initially thought that I might be able to just grin and bear it. The pain quickly worsened to the point that I felt it necessary to wake Jeremy and ask him to drive me to Urgent Care. I experienced nausea, the chills, a fever, vomitting, etc. for some time before deeming this Emergency Room - worthy.

Unfortunately, the large Urgent Care center on Canton Center Road was closed, and the one near Lifetime Fitness only operates (no pun intended) between the hours of 8 AM and 10 PM. Apparently locals may only have an emergency between those hours if they want to be treated.

So, Jeremy drove me all the way to Garden City Hospital. I don't really remember much of that trip, other than feeling a great deal of pain. I was groaning, whining, screaming, and trying to keep from throwing myself onto the road to end it all. I made Jeremy pull over as we neared the Emergency Room parking area; I vomitted in the grass. I felt so classy at that moment.

After parking, we entered the hospital. No one was in the waiting room. I gave my ID and insurance card, filled out their short form, and tried to hold it together. Within five minutes I was in Triage. After the initial assessment, the nurse said it sounded like I was suffering from either a kidney stone or an ectopic pregnancy. Yeah, that second one is not a possibility. I was fairly certain it was a kidney stone way before we left the townhouse, anyway, after I was able to push on different parts of my abdomen and there was no additional pain (appendicitis would not yield the same results).

After moving on to my little ER station, I had to vomit again. The doctor and an intern arrived shortly thereafter, and they did a quick assessment so that the on-call nurses could put an IV in my arm. I was shaking uncontrollably, partly from dehydration but mostly from intense fear (I have always experienced Trypanophobia - a fear of needles). They were able to get the IV in on the first try, so that was good. It took several minutes for me to feel the effects. I was in the middle of my CAT scan when I finally felt some of the pain dissipate. The X-ray technician was really personable and we had a nice conversation. When he dropped me off back in the ER, I thanked him, which now seems a little weird to do.

I waited for a little while with Jeremy, trying to hold a conversation. I have no idea how lucid I really was at the time. Only a couple of minutes went by when my doctor (and intern) returned to let me know that I have a kidney that is at least four millimeters. Yippee. I was out of the hospital within the next ten minutes. I may have been there an hour, at most. Everyone there was friendly and helpful. If you get injured, Garden City Hospital is one of the most inviting places to go.

Jeremy drove me to CVS, where I paid my $3.00 for my Vicodin knock-off (Hyrdocodone) pills. We stopped at McDonald's for plain biscuits (one of my favorite comfort foods, right after grilled cheese sandwiches), where Jeremy's rage was unleashed on some moron in the truck behind us. We were told to pull ahead to wait for our food, and the guy behind us kept pulling up closer and closer, honking at us, telling us to move. Jeremy got out of the car and started yelling at the guy. Not the finest (or classiest) of moments, but I still had drugs from the hospital in my veins, so I wasn't too worried.

We eventually made our way home and I ate my biscuits (after, of course, knocking over my water all over graduate school papers and almost sitting on a cat). I watched the sun rise, which was lovely. I took a pill almost forty minutes ago and I have to tell you...I feel funky! I don't think I will be driving anywhere any time soon. Jeremy is asleep on the couch, but I can't seem to sleep (the pain medication is supposed to make me drowsy, too). So much for my plans to hit the gym this morning.

In a couple of hours, I will probably call my parents and let them know what happened. There's no sense in waking them for this.

I am really glad I decided not to go out last night (beyond a walk with Jeremy). I ended up going to bed early - which was good.

Too many thoughts

I've been really stressed lately, and my mind has been racing.

I finished my papers tonight, and I am looking forward to turning them in and not worrying anymore about this semester. I am considering attending the graduate research symposium tomorrow night, but I really just want to go somewhere and play my ukulele. Perhaps once I get bored I could do just that. I will find a quiet spot on campus and just strum the hours away. I hope the weather is nice.

tests, lunch, naps, chores, and the kindness of strangers

I woke early to take a teacher certification test today (the ONLY test I have ever failed in the past). I did learn that the test editors FINALLY fixed the grammar portion, which is a blessing because for the last ten years the old German was being assessed. All of the changes went into effect in 2002, but no one had really checked the test. I am hoping to have my scores in a timely fashion. I have a major in German, so I am allowed to teach it, but it looks a lot better for highly qualified status if I've passed the test. Plus, with the new requirements with the class of 2016, I will have had to eventually pass the test anyway.

When I arrived at the testing site, I realized that I had lost my pencils. I am not usually an absent-minded person, but this time, I just don't know what happened. I asked a stranger if she had an extra and she did. I hope something nice happened for her today.

After the test, I took a short nap. Jeremy and I then met his family in Royal Oak for lunch. I really like that place. It makes me think of Traverse City, with the bustling downtown area. When we returned home, I took another nap while Jeremy got ready for work. When I woke again, I began my list of chores (mostly laundry). I will tackle the bathroom and the kitchen soon (after a short ukulele break).

Wow. It's Saturday night. I don't have papers to grade. And this is how I CHOOSE to spend my time. At least my clothes will be clean.

energy

I finished grading papers a little while ago. I have yet to enter the grades online; I just want to draw this out for some reason. I still need to put together my lesson plans. I have no desire to do anything, really.

My mind is racing. I feel almost 100% now.

definitely feeling that witchy feeling...

The tulip and crocus bulbs I planted over a year ago are sprouting. I didn't know that they would do that two years in a row! It was a nice surprise to see little purple flowers budding in front of my place. I can't wait for the roses to bloom again.

I felt much better today than I've felt in over a week. I am still coughing a little, but I am able to sleep.

I finished my first draft of my Harry Potter paper. I decided to call it 'Harry Potter and the Impact of J.K. Rowling's Political Consternation. Yeah, I'm a nerd.

The 9-page handout for my presentation for my literary criticism class is done, done, done! And it looks sharp! Andrew and I will be discussing Marxist criticism, New Historicism, and Cultural Studies (and how they serve the same literary piece in different ways).

I have some of my revisions done on my literary criticism paper that I need to discuss with my professor on Wednesday night before I turn it in.

I am so glad it is warming up. I can't wait to ride my bike outdoors. I can't wait to go for walks in Hines. I can't wait to make my camping and other vacation plans for summer.

I'm ready, world!

I was off to a slow start today just because I am feeling a bit under the weather, but I am finally feeling like I can accomplish anything. I should work on my paper revisions, but I'd rather clean the basement.

I played the ukulele for about three hours today. It was just lovely. I plan to keep playing well into the night, even though my throat is scratchy and I can't sing.

Returning to normal

Overall, today was a decent day. I was tired at work - not so much from my three-hour weep fest last night (which coincidentally hits every third night Jeremy is away) but more from my own boredom with so many of my students who refuse to study. I have resorted to daily quizzes to get them back in the habit. I hate being that teacher, but most of them have checked out mentally for the year. I do want my students to learn, and my boss is constantly telling us that when a child is not earning an A or a B, it is our fault rather than acknowledging the reality of the child not doing what they are expected to do. Any child who does not succeed in any course is simply told to "do better" while we teachers are stuck in meeting after meeting about what we must have done wrong. I dislike the administration versus the teaching staff scenario. It is akin to parent versus teacher problems that end up just pissing off everyone involved - and no one is putting the responsibility on the student.

Anyway, back to my decent day. No students showed up for test retakes or tutoring today, so I was able to leave fairly quickly. I read a little James Joyce for class (I LOVE DUBLINERS!) and then vegged out for about an hour.

I made dinner for Jeremy (low-carb mini margarita pizzas - homemade, homemade tomato-basil soup, and homemade garlic bread using the bread I baked yesterday). Yes, I was little Susie Homemaker today. It felt good to step back from some of the larger issues in my life and relax. We had planned to go to the gym, but I found more homework to complete. I've had a difficult time fighting this cold of mine, so maybe it is for the best. I wouldn't want to pass this along.

We watched some of the bonus features on The Office DVDs.

I did not drink today, and I am okay with that.

...

I almost hit a deer on my way home from class tonight. I imagined careening into the ditch while screaming. I usually find myself so wrapped up in just-as-vivid daydreams while I drive, so this really shouldn't have stuck with me the way it did. It made me assess some aspects of my life. I realized that I am simply keeping pace with my life.

I haven't been writing much poetry or fiction lately. I have been writing blog entries and such, but there doesn't seem to be much more.

I haven't been embracing my studies like I should. I have been waiting until the last minute to do everything. Up until now, that's been fine. Now, I have a lot of large assignments that I don't really care to complete.

I am bothered by walking across Eastern's campus at night. I've NEVER been one to be afraid, so I keep trying to reason with myself. I suppose this reaction is to the numerous muggings, rapes, and murders on that campus in recent years.

I am half-assing the teaching gig. We are in the middle of a snow-day-filled quarter. This week is broken up by the MME. I just don't care all that much lately. My students refuse to study. They refuse to complete assignments (and not because they don't have the necessary materials to do so - they tell me that they are just "too busy." Then drop German, ass holes!).

The only person I hang out with regularly is Jeremy.

I need a life. Seriously.

Birthday gifts

Jeremy celebrated his 30th birthday on Thursday. I brought home an ice cream cake from Carvel, which pleased Jeremy (and Mike A., who I often find in our living room upon my return home from work). I opted to not attend rehearsal, and Jeremy and I drove to his parents' house for dinner. I bought Jeremy The Office: Seasons 1 - 3, and I've been watching them ever since. It almost like I bought them for myself. It's Jeremy's favorite show. I love that we both love the show.

My only real issue with the show is that I identify with characters on the show. I know that that is one reason that people watch TV, but I like being able to escape everything that portrays anything like my own life. If I am in front of the TV, there is probably something I don't want to consider, and seeing it on screen just makes my own worries that much more troublesome (and obvious).

waiting

Despite sleeping well last night, I didn't wake up and go to the gym. Instead, I tried to take it a bit easier - I got ready for the stupid bridal show, went to the ATM, put gas in my car, you know...the daily crap that always gets in the way of life. At the moment, I am waiting for my mother to arrive. I will not be letting her in. My place is that cluttered right now. I have teaching stuff EVERYWHERE!

I decided what to do with some of the extra kitchen stuff. I am going to put all of it in the teacher lounge at work. I am tired of looking at stacks of dishes, and the teachers never have enough plates and silverware in the lounge, anyway.

I wish my mid-winter break at work and spring break at school coincided. I would love to be able to get the hell out of Michigan for a while. Jeremy and I could have flown somewhere warm.

I will be hitting the gym later this evening. I am considering going to during Simpson's time. I'm sure there will be on at least one of the sets.

quiet time

Some random thoughts...

1. I like that banks are FINALLY trying to disguise checks when they send them. They now look like packages from cigarette companies. I find it strange that I know what cigarette companies send, considering I am very much against smoking.

2. I imagine how distraught I will be the day one of my cats dies. I don't know how I will keep from doing something stupid.

3. I do not have many secrets, but I do have a few that could change my life drastically if I divulged them. Some better, some worse.

4. I think the rest of my life will fluctuate between contentment and being miserable. I don't see a lot of middle ground.

5. Sudafed lowers my heart rate a great deal. I was having trouble sustaining a good aerobic heart rate while exercising at the gym tonight.

6. I have no idea who I would like to see as our next president.

7. I haven't done anything teaching-related all week! I have so much to do tomorrow.

8. I hate that my mother is dragging me to yet another bridal show on Sunday morning. I'd rather be working out - and I don't like working out and exercising all that much.

9. My place is drafty.

10. I am a terrible house-keeper lately.

11. I want to throw my couch in the dumpster.

12. The rattling component in my dryer stopped moving tonight. I keep checking to see if everything is done.

13. I gained back all of the weight I lost last year. I can't wait until the weather turns warm again. I want to hit the trails again with my bike. I really don't like the hamster-in-a-wheel approach to fitness. I can understand going to the gym for machines and weights, but I HATE jogging/walking/climbing stairs/biking on machines.

14. I would bet money that most of my senior English students haven't done anything for their test on Tuesday.

15. I have to order more items for my classroom - that is, if I don't leave the school for another job.

16. I really want the job in TC. That would make my life so much better. I'd be living near the water and forest. I'd be so much happier! Except for the fact my family is around here and my closest friends are here, as well. I couldn't go out with the Mikes or with Maureen regularly. Mondays with Mike V. wouldn't be a possibility at all. He might move to Chicago, anyway. His girlfriend is moving in about a week, and I'm sure he is considering a move, too.

17. I should go to bed. I have to wake up early and work out. Then I am going to a bridal show. Then I have all of my planning and grading to do. I then have a presentation to plan, as well as three papers. I think I will be okay, though.

humbling

I met with my personal trainer today. Now that was a humbling experience. I kept a good pace with the cardio stuff, but strength-wise - I got nothing! I couldn't even do a full push-up properly (damn those old teachers who always said "Do a girl push-up!" I should have never listened to you!!!). I am not very flexible, which shouldn't be a surprise as I haven't done yoga in quite some time. My former instructors would be so disappointed in me.

So, Jeremy and I really hit the gym today. I did forty or so minutes of cardio and I started with some machines (I am thinking I should focus on building some strength again - that way I can follow through with some of the different programs more easily). I didn't attend the class I wanted tonight, as I didn't get my homework done as quickly as I had planned (I suppose I can write my three remaining papers tomorrow during the day).

I am happy to have this week-long vacation right now. I was a bit frazzled.

Drunk again

I've missed this feeling.

If only I could feel this way at work. I am better with alcohol. I am laughing at Family Guy - a show I really don't enjoy while sober.

I have to get to bed soon. School tomorrow. Plus, I have a job to apply for - AND - I have a paper to write. It's nice to just take a night off, though, to relax and break away from routine.

Now, I am watching Scrubs. Life is good.

I need to call about several houses this week, as well as several reception halls.

Thursday

On Thursday, I helped Mike H. with his photo shoot. I really miss photography. I think I will enroll in a program at a community college after I finish my Master's degree.

Snow Day!

I am so glad that I didn't hop in the shower when my alarm sounded this morning. It's a snow day, and I am going back to bed! Or maybe I'll start my day with The X-Files right now.

busy, busy, busy

Having contracted a cold a couple of weeks ago, I now find myself struggling to pull everything together. I haven't been cleaning my place the way I like to, mostly because I am already struggling to breathe. I've been trying to rest and not overwork myself. Yesterday, I took a break from everything - I didn't worry about homework, I chose not to obsess over making the bed perfectly, I went out to dinner with Melissa (Thanks, Melissa! The margarita was excellent!), and I watched more of The X-Files, Season 3, with Jeremy (when he returned from helping his father dismantle the old office in their house).

The goal yesterday was to enjoy life. The goal today is to complete everything for the week, including massive reading assignments, a plan for an upcoming presentation, a short paper, laundry (I can get that done before 5 PM, I think), clean, clean, clean, watch more X-Files, play music, call a few friends, go for a walk AND ride my exercise bike, and go to bed early (I am still quite sleep deprived).

I should go. The litter box won't clean itself.

balance

Many of those nagging thoughts/insecurities/curiosities that were really taking over my life seemed to have subsided. I hope this isn't temporary. I rather like feeling like I am in control of my emotions and imagination.

My classes are going well. I especially like my Harry Potter course, although my other course seems to be something I will not hate all that much - it's theory, people...what else can I do but hate it?

School is okay. I still have to type the final draft of the German 1 exam. My English 12 students are all set. I have my grading mostly complete.

Mike V. called today. He had a voice lesson, but he still wanted to meet in Ann Arbor. I suggested we wait until things aren't so hectic (maybe the weekend - or, at least, Thursday). He also thought that was a good idea. Although Mike and I always have a blast in A2, there is simply too much going on right now. He said he should really spend some time with his girlfriend, anyway, considering she is stressed over her upcoming move to Chicago in March. And I have all kinds of homework and schoolwork. It was nice that we talked, though. I love that we are so routined.

Mondays seem to be Talk-to-Mike days. Does anyone else have this sort of thing with their friends?

worse

It is worse to feel alone that to truly be alone. I wish Jeremy could finish his training early and come home. Everything feels empty without him.

grrr...

Many of you know how I feel about my school. This doesn't help.

A different kind of Mike.

Today (er, yesterday?), Mike K. and Noelle came over for a visit. It was nice to have yet another Mike visit my place. Usually Mike A. comes over. Mike V. has been over once (we typically meet in Ann Arbor). Mike (Autumn's husband) has been here several times. There have been other Mikes, too.

Anyway...we sat and shared our stories. I was surprised that Mike hasn't really changed much. On the phone, he doesn't come across that way. In person, he seems to want to make things almost larger than life. I don't mean that he exaggerates; I mean that events that shaped him in high school have now become a major part of his world view. I suppose I had forgotten how intense his personality can be. It was a nice visit, nonetheless. Noelle was quiet. She and I can usually talk up a storm, but it seemed that she was slinking into the shadow of Mike. I didn't like seeing that. There should always be a balance. I couldn't see it. I hope everything is okay. Noelle says that things are fine, but I worry. She is my fraternity "brother" from college. We used to hang out a bit on campus back in the day. I knew her before her first marriage. I was there when things went sour, and she had to leave him behind. Mike was busy idealizing high school, and I realized that while my behaviors and certain patterns are still there, I don't think the way I used to. I guess I thought everyone changed the way I did. I didn't expect for Mike to tell me that I should go find my Dorothy costume (he told me that when he saw me wearing that costume in 1995, he started to like me). Who says that in front of their spouse!?! Or the woman's fiance!?!

When they left, Jeremy was quiet. I immediately became worried, because Jeremy is a regular Chatty Cathy. He said that he is surprised how normal I am. He has met a number of my friends, and is often surprised that I am the way I am - a little eccentric but relatively mainstream normal (at least in what I display to the world). This is not to say that my friends are freaks or anything - most of them aren't. Some, though, are a bit out there. I do have friends who: opt to cross dress, opt to be Goth, opt to wear costumes, opt to cover themselves with tattoos and piercings, opt to live "alternative lifestyles", opt to be nudists, opt to take drugs (although I usually don't spend a lot of time with those folks), opt to grow thick beards and live in the wilderness, opt to go to Star Trek conventions (and wear Spock ears and pins outside of the events), opt to live "on the road", opt to live in communes, opt to designate days at home where they are only allowed to speak in lines by certain authors and poets (I am intrigued by this!), opt to attend psychic fairs and Renaissance festivals (yes, I used to spend a lot of time with those people), opt to be political activists, and more. I also have what Jeremy would call "normal" friends - people who go to school/college, go to work a standard job, meet friends and barbecue stuff, etc. I think he was just a bit bothered that we had a convicted felon in our home today for several hours. Seeing as Jeremy's bachelor's degree is in criminal justice and political science, I can understand how his perspective on life might not be aligned with our guest's.

It wasn't uncomfortable or anything. Jeremy just didn't expect someone coming over to our home, boasting about all of the people he had beaten up over the years, how he joined a hippie community in the Florida wilderness, how he used to like me when we were teenagers. I think that last part made Jeremy the most uncomfortable. And even more so when he learned that Mike also had a thing with my sister. That was actually one reason I never dated Mike - he kissed my sister. Strange notion. Ah, anyway...I should be hitting the hay. I have three more (10-page) research papers to grade for my seniors tomorrow. I also have to complete lesson plans, typing semester exams, organizing all of my teaching stuff, and starting my grad school work for the week (I am a bit worried about the class that I thought would be the easier of the two).

I think I might ask Mike V. if he wants to get together next weekend. His grandmother passed away, and I think he could use some support. I know his girlfriend is really picking up where I left off - he had been getting his support from me when he was single. She is so good to him, and I am certain she is making sure he feels cared for.

My sleep problems are back already. I noticed a difference in sleep patterns a few days ago. Perhaps I will read a chapter or two of my Harry Potter books.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite! [BITE, BITE, BITE!]

2 January 2008

2 January 2008

Today was uneventful, to say the least. I didn't really do anything special. Mostly, I tried to take care of a few maintenance items, like an oil change and washing dishes, with varying success. I received the Harry Potter series (Books 1-6, anyway) today. I jumped right in. I figure it will be better to be acquainted with the entire series before I start class next week. I am pleased so far; the books are really easy to read. I already read quickly - this just makes me feel like I am speed-reading. I don't typically speed read novels and such.

I haven't seen a listing for additional required texts for that class, as well as for my other class (I already have that book, although reading boring literary theory - philosophy - is not my favorite activity). I am just happy that I don't have the professor that was teaching the course last semester. She seemed friendly, but she was completely off her rocker.

1 January 2008

1 January 2008

My year didn't quite "kick off" the way I had planned. I slept in. I didn't go out for a jog, although I considered going outside to play in the snow. It didn't happen, though. I didn't tackle the basement, as I had hoped I would. I just left everything. Today was a day for lounging around and watching movies with Jeremy. I haven't been returning many text messages or phone calls - or emails for that matter. I've felt somewhat anti-social for a while now. I think it is just the craziness of the holidays. Usually I feel like jumping off of a bridge, but this year was a little easier. I just avoided things.

We made homemade pizza and I strummed my ukulele. Wendy finally joined MySpace. I finally have a convenient way to keep in touch with her.


In the morning, I need to call about a house I am interested in, make an appointment for an oil change at the dealership, contact two reception halls, maybe go dress shopping (with a friend, possibly), exercise, grade papers, do laundry, clean the kitchen and the living room, go to EMU to pick up my parking permit, clean my bedroom, and call a couple of friends. I also need to solve a couple of problems. I don't wish to get into those right now.

Resolutions

Now is the time that we arbitrarily assign to making new goals and resolutions about how we have been living our lives. Is it cliche for me to have resolutions again this year? I decided to look at my list for 2007. Let's have a look here:

1. Limit alcohol consumption to one to two drinks per month.

To be honest, I have cut back on drinking overall, but I have had a few moments of heavy drinking. Everyone at James' party, Mike A., Jeremy, and Mike V. have seen the "fun" Lish during this times.

2. No fast food, not even when pressed for time.

Okay, so I still went to Subway (and yes, McDonald's several times).

3. No pizza, unless I make organic homemade pizza. (I will miss you, Jet's Pizza!)

That one didn't last, although I did make a lot more homemade pizza.

4. A minimum of thirty minutes of cardio every day.

That one last for a long time. I don't know what stopped me. I was losing weight and feeling great (pardon the annoying rhyme).

5. Count calories daily. Limit for first month = 1600, second month = 1500, third month = 1350...we'll see beyond that.

I did count calories for the better part of the year. I lost track during the holiday season, though.


6. Follow a daily chore schedule for each room in my home.

Yeah, that one didn't work out well. Jeremy's schedule is chaotic, at best, and grad school work took up almost all of my time.


7. Read at least two books (novels, biographies, etc.) each month.

I read a lot - just not that much. Maybe that should have been a goal for the summer only.

8. Do yoga three times per week.

I stopped within a month.

9. Join a music ensemble - I think Canton is looking at its newest percussionist.

I am thriving in the band. I LOVE it! I will continue this year. I scheduled grad school and other commitments around it.


10. Go to my doctor's regularly - dentist, regular physician, urologist (for my kindey stone problem), dietician, OB-GYN (to be honest, I am still holding off on this one).

I started going to the dentist regularly. I have an appointment on January 8th. I haven't been to any other doctors, though. My fear of the doctor borders on phobia-status. If I could list my urologist in Battle Creek as my primary care physician, I would travel to see him. He is a great doctor AND I used to teach at St. Philip with his wife. Their daughter was one of my journalism students years ago. Unfortunately, I have to have a "local" doctor.

_________________________________________________________

So what are my resolutions for this year?


1. Organize and decorate my ENTIRE home. I am tired of treating my townhouse as a temporary living situation. We currently are not in transition - this is our home. We need to make it look like a home.

2. Live healthier. That means: eating healthy food, counting calories, creating an exercise routine (preferably at Lifetime Fitness), managing stress positively, reduce or eliminate "excessive" behaviors in regard to food and alcohol, get out and enjoy life more (go dancing, traveling, etc.)

3. Learn one or two instruments (I am already doing well with my new tenor ukulele - the strings are tuned just like my soprano uke). I want to learn the harmonica (Jeremy bought me one for Christmas). I bought myself a drum set, but I already know the basics. I am thinking that, over the summer, I could start learning violin or something - maybe flute. Maybe I will even get voice lessons.

4. Clean my home more frequently.

5. Write more. I have just about abandoned journal writing - I've been posting more online, anyway.

6. Get married! I am addressing the planning stuff a lot lately. Lack of money is cutting my guest list significantly. Sorry, folks. Some of my cousins won't even be invited!

7. Play my ukulele in public - not school. I am not afraid of students.

8. Go to Germany.

9. Find and buy a house with some property, preferably out in the middle of nowhere.

10. Stop living so much in my head!

111

111. I don't think I could love my cats more even if they were my own children.

112. I love taking naps. I've taken a nap many times during this vacation.

113. I wear size 9 shoes.

114. I used to collect stamps. Yeah, I'm a loser.

115. I will be spending the $23.00 for each season of The X-Files tomorrow at Best Buy, and I am not ashamed. It's a deal!

102 - 110

102. I still get butterflies-in-the-stomach-type feelings.

103. Mike V. and I are on the same wave length most of the time. Oh, look! He just left me a message! Cool!

104. I don't believe I've ever kissed someone under the mistletoe.

105. I finished ALL of my Christmas shopping today - in less than three hours! I have spent a little over $500. this year.

106. I want to cut my hair. I don't think I'll be donating my hair this year.

107. I played my ukulele during passing time at work on Friday.

108. I brought my decorations up from the basement, but I have very little drive to actually unpack and display them.

109. I love when Jeremy runs his fingers through my hair. This is the only way for me to truly relax. Nothing else works. Not even alcohol.

110. I dislike buying into the commercialism that surrounds Christmas. I would prefer to not give or receive any gifts. I'd like to spend Christmas day in church.

94 - 101

94. I finally finished all of my papers for my grad class. And I have a snow day tomorrow. And I have to turn in my papers. And I want to spend the day cleaning.

95. I'm ticklish in only a few places.

96. Jeremy bought me chocolate today. And shoveled all around our place and our cars. And cuddled with me. And goofed around with me in the kitchen. And kissed me. And gave me quiet time so that I could finish my homework. And has been a total sweetheart lately. This is who I remember falling in love with. I missed him.

97. I felt empowered while putting my aunt in her place on Saturday.

98. I like sock monkeys.

99. I am taking two classes next term; I am so nervous.

100. I still haven't done any Christmas shopping. I think tomorrow will be a busy day!

101. I don't think I will stop with 101. I have so much more to reveal. Just not tonight. I should get some sleep.

93

93. I sometimes wish we were stranded on an island together...all alone...forever. I'd have you all to myself.

92...Kenny v. Spenny

92. Despite how disgusting and juvenile Kenny v. Spenny is, I find the show frickin hilarious! I almost threw up a few minutes ago watching the meat-eating competition/vomitfest.

What does everyone else think of the show?

87 - 91

87. I love playing with blankets with my toes.

88. I used to enjoy working at Payless, even though I don't like to look at feet.

89. Sometimes I want to return to mindless employment.

90. My professor granted me an extension on my final papers. I am so happy.

91. Jeremy made me a really nice dinner tonight. It was so wonderful and sweet.

66 - 86

66. I can't seem to get my papers done this week. They are due by 5 PM on Friday. I waited too long to get started, and I feel like a complete failure. I am tempted to buy a paper. I won't, though. I find that completely unethical. Nevertheless, I am tempted. I'd rather get a terrible grade and get booted out of grad school than cheat.

67. I started eating chocolate-covered espresso beans again. My students noticed a difference in my behavior today.

68. I don't get a hoot about literary theory. I want the master's in literature so that I know literature!

69. I have some really wonderful students this year.

70. I have never taken illegal drugs, and I am still proud of myself.

71. I want to drink all the time lately.

72. I don't believe I will be getting the 8-string tenor ukulele I want for Christmas. And I could almost cry about it.

73. I was able to eat mushrooms in a sandwich and on a pizza recently. I did not vomit either time. I've never before been able to stomach mushrooms.

74. I have strong, yet hideous, toes. I'd love to show off their strength, but I'd be afraid to have people see my crooked foot digits.

75. I've started praying every night before bed...not be attacked by demons. Apparently, I believe...at least for now.

76. Sometimes I am angry at God for not making me special enough to have demons fighting over my soul.

77. I'd rather be in a boring, loveless marriage than a series of short, passionate relationships.

78. I realize when I say things like what I said in #77, people think I am unhappy in my current relationship. I am actually quite content.

79. I have been ashamed to ride in Jeremy's last three cars (one was always breaking down, one was louder than any other car I had ever been near, and the current one is falling apart...slowly).

80. I named Jeremy's current car 'The Red Dragon.'

81. I might go to Midnight Mass this year.

82. I love broad-shouldered men. I am so lucky Jeremy has broad shoulders. And dark brown hair. And two distinct eye brows. And green eyes. And big teeth. And high cheek bones. And a great sense of humor (which none of my old friends usually get to witness - he is a bit uncomfortable around some of my friends). And a great memory. And a NOT-so-hairy chest (I'm NOT into the whole Tom Selleck look at all!). And cute ears.

83. Jeremy just burped a "Hi" and a "Hello". I have the classiest fiance ever!

84. I organized every item in my teacher desk today, right down to color-coding paper clips and post-it notes. I should post a photo of this craziness!

85. I am dehydrated again.

86. If I am still in my MA program next semester, I will be a much better student. I will cancel Comcast if I have to.

52 and onward

52. I like to pretend I am a foreigner in stores.

53. I find Harvey Keitel very sexy in the movie The Piano.

54. I procrastinate more than I used to.

55. I have a recurring dream that I lose my teeth. I have had this dream since I was six or seven years old. It is just as disturbing as when I started having the dream.

56. I LOVE new office supplies.

57. I never intended to stay in my current line of work.

58. I don't think I truly care about grad school.

59. I have been sexually harassed at work. I no longer teach at the school - the superintendent refused to fire the man even though he admitted to harassing two women on staff that year.

60. I was stalked by a coke-head when I lived in Florida. He went to prison on drug possession charges, and I changed my number, packed my stuff, and moved back to Michigan before he was released.

61. I adore scarves. I want to have at least twenty on hand so that I can coordinate fabrics, colors, and textures on a daily basis.

62. It's my fault my cats are so emotionally needy.

63. I want to get the edge of my tongue pierced...or possibly get the corner of my lower lip pierced.

64. I want to dye my hair bright purple or cobalt blue. My job really doesn't allow for me to do that. I want to get out of K-12 mostly for that reason.

65. Lately, I like playing the ukulele more than I like playing the drums - or the piano, for that matter.

About Me (Again)

51. I am better with alcohol. I cannot deny that I like who I truly am when drinking.

Oh, and James, I think you are very wise. Thank you for engaging in such an interesting and honest dialogue tonight. That is definitely food-for-thought.

About Me

I noticed Joe had posted lists with random information about himself. Several other friends have been doing the same thing lately. I, too, have one. It's been saved as a draft for some time as I compiled more and more information that I felt I should share. I moved some things around to give the sense of continuity, although I am not sure how that really comes across in a list.

I'll start with fifty and see where that leads.


1. I am almost always day-dreaming. I prefer to live in the world inside my head, where second chances are possible and anger is never real or lasting.

2. I am glad that I attended self-defense workshop classes my first semester in college. I never thought that I would ever have to use the techniques we discussed and practiced.

3. I don't hate Jim for what he tried to do to me.

4. I understand what it is to feel alive.

5. I remember everything - how others looked at me, how I felt, how awful I was.

6. I miss my dog and still cry frequently over that loss.

7. My heart has been truly and completely broken twice. Both times, I allowed for it to be mended by the people who had broken it.

8. I don't like a lot of physical contact. On the other hand, I am openly affectionate with certain people with no problem.

9. I have become aware of some of my incredibly anti-social behaviors, as well as behaviors that my doctors (as a child) said could indicate a mild form of autism. I am not autistic. I just don't care to interact with people sometimes.

10. I understand why parents are afraid of the stigma of declaring learning disabilities and deficiencies.

11. I have serious trust and abandonment issues that stem from my childhood. I can pinpoint what I now believe to be the root of these issues, but I don't seek help. I will never seek help.

12. I started having depressing and a few random suicidal thoughts again within the last five months. While I wouldn't commit suicide, I fantasize about having some control over my passing.

13. I am becoming a much more devout Catholic. I had to experience pagan religions and shun the church for a while to get here.

14. I started praying again at night before I go to sleep.

15. I chickened out of sending in one of my secrets to PostSecret. I was afraid someone would know it was me.

16. When I look at electrical outlets, I always see faces in the design. I used to imagine they were screaming.

17. I miss going driving as an outing.

18. I love picnics, complete with the perfectly-prepared meals, basket, and Gingham blanket.

19. I still regret arguing during my audition for the school of music - I feel I should be a professional musician in a large, metropolitan-area orchestra.

20. I would write a lot more if I didn't feel like the future generations wouldn't appreciate good literature.

21. I have a difficult time hiding my attraction to people. I become giddy and laugh nervously.

22. I am considering quitting drinking altogether again.

23. I love hitting Ann Arbor with the Mikes.

24. I stopped collecting things and have accumulated more clutter than when I did collect things.

25. I miss being someone's muse. Some ex-boyfriends and some of my friends (both male and female) have said that I inspired stories, poetry, songs, screenplays, and art that they have created. How do I become that again...and for someone like my fiance, who is not really the creative type?

26. I regret not enjoying Florida more while living there. Being five miles from the ocean should have afforded so much more enjoyment.

27. In my quest to not be apathetic, I have become overly-empathetic and find it difficult to manage everyone's emotions.

28. I am fiercely independent and dislike when others "mess" up my living space, but I'd still prefer to have my fiance home every night.

29. In less than three years, I will be thirty. I need to re-examine my plan for my education, career, marriage, children, etc.

30. I can't wait until spring so that Mike V. and I can go drinking and stay out all night again in Ann Arbor.

31. I love going to libraries while drunk. I am a complete nerd.

32. I read into things too much.

33. I grieve the passing of the important moments of my life. I try to bargain with God to let me go back.

34. When I started driving, I paid around $1.19 per gallon of gas.

35. I don't have text messaging included in my phone plan. I've decided only some people are worth the $.15 per message.

36. I relive moments in my head...constantly.

37. I have imaginary conversations I want and need to have with my friends.

38. The year 2000 was, by far, the best and worst year of my life thus far.

39. Mike V. treated me to a Brian Vander Ark concert in Kalamazoo in 2006. While he was using the restroom, I wrote a note and left it in the CD jacket. He didn't find it for weeks.

40. I am a much more positive person than I used to be.

41. I don't own a coffee grinder.

42. I've resigned myself to the notion that if something were to happen, it would have happened by now.

43. I make up new card games that are designed for no one to win. They are single-player games.

44. I think my cats think that I am their real mother, especially when I wear my orange fleece jacket.

45. There are still boxes in my basement that haven't been unpacked. They contain teaching materials and electronics I think about using.

46. My favorite utensil is the spoon. And I actually have a favorite one in my silverware drawer.

47. I still crave cigarettes even though I haven't had one since I was fourteen or fifteen years old. I have smoked one cigar (at my sister's wedding).

48. I met one of my heros - Desmond Tutu - in 2005 while working at a hotel in Battle Creek, Michigan.

49. I usually hold grudges.

50. I am afraid of being alone, which explains why there have only been a handful of times when I wasn't in a relationship with someone within the past eleven years.

another week closer to summer break

I've begun to think about the closing of each week. I feel like a new teacher, always behind in my planning and grading (although the grading is far less taxing as I now teach German most of the day). I am stressed about many things going on in my building.

I think I will grade my students' quizzes and writing assignments tonight. I have no other plans, and it would be nice to spend my weekend doing other things, for once.

Not feeling quite so neurotic today.

I tend to look forward to Mondays. Today was very different. I knew going into it that it would be a tough day. I missed both Ryan's and my uncle Chuck's funerals because of contract issues with taking days off before and after vacations. Jeremy was unable to return from St. Louis for the funerals, as well.

I left work quickly today. I ended up going to dinner with Melissa - she called when I had just left my place in search of food (I had determined that I just didn't feel like cooking for myself). Mike hadn't called, so I figured he was busy with grad work or school stuff.

We had a nice meal in Canton. After returning home, I watched videos at ukuleledisco.com (one of my favorite sites). As I began to really wind down from the stress of the day, Mike called to, basically, apologize for not being able to meet for coffee as we have been doing on Mondays. He is just too busy with grad work and the end of the trimester at his school. I, of course, felt so proud of myself for knowing exactly what the hold-up was. Mike and I are so similarly wired that it would be damn near impossible to NOT know what is up with each other. I find it absolutely hilarious that while he was at a voice lesson tonight, I was singing scales and various songs, both with and without my uke.

He suggested we meet later this week or perhaps next week. That might be good. My friends could finally meet him. We've been good friends since 2000, and we've hung out both in the Kalamazoo area as well as all over the Detroit area, but most of my friends here have never met him. I swear he is not a figment of my imagination!

I spoke to Jeremy tonight. I miss him so much. I can't wait to see him this week (he'll be home for a couple of days). Perhaps our friends will all want to go out to the Rathskeller in the Heidelberg for a beer boot.

Ryan G.

Ryan G. is gone. One of Jeremy's best buds is dead. I still can't believe it. Jeremy is in shock, and the worst part is that I can't go and be with him tonight in St. Louis.

His girlfriend woke next to him this morning, and he was cold. How can a 28-year-old man die in his sleep when he is healthy?

I wonder if Jeremy is going to call Chris R. I don't think anyone else has his current contact information.

I want Jeremy to come home. Now.

I feel so bad for Ryan's parents. They are so warm and friendly. I can only imagine the devastation this causes.

This is Mike.

I totally stole this from his blog and embedded the code. I hope he doesn't mind. Exposure isn't a bad thing, right?

Now I just need to get video of Reeny singing. It would be nice to have both of my best friends represented here in proper musical form.



If only I could get someone to write songs about me. Nice ones, anyway.

Bowling, Band, and Billy Ray Cyrus

Thursday had some twists. I couldn't get my research assignment done before class, due to server problems at work. Lucky for me, class was canceled! I decided to join the English department from my school at the bowling alley, where we ate brownies (baked by Jessy) and cheese fries.

After spending an hour with my colleagues, I went home and got ready for band rehearsal. I left later than usual, and then I couldn't find a parking space for a while due to a Billy Ray Cyrus concert at the theater. I eventually made my way in and found the percussion equipment already set up! Bonus!!! Rehearsal went really well; Cyrus's roadies were really nice when I was having issues with doors and percussion equipment during take-down. They struck up a conversation and held doors for me and such. It was pleasant.

I didn't get to say anything to BRC, not that I wanted to or anything - I am not a fan, but it was cool that I am surrounded by people who love the art of performance whenever I go to the theater. Sometimes we mingle with drama groups, other times musicians. It feels good being there, like my life somehow makes sense while I am there.

quiet evenings in

There is a lot to be said for going out and having a good time. Mike and I had an awesome time at Alexie's book tour event. Tonight, though, I am enjoying the tranquility of my home - the cats are sleeping, Jeremy is away at training, the TV is off, and I have completed all of my grading and such for a couple of days. I am sipping mocha with Buttershots.

Everything feels right with the world - I haven't been able to say that in quite some time. I am just concerned because I was only able to achieve this feeling with a little bit of alcohol. I guess that goes back to the comment James responded to a long time ago - that the notion of improving oneself with the aid of alcohol is somewhat different from the norm. Or something like that. I am too lazy to check. Your words did resonate and I've pondered them many times since then, James.

I am now considering making a chocolate mousse cake - the real deal, not the store-bought crap that is fluffy. I will be making one (or two) in December for Christmas - I believe it is now expected when I arrive at Jeremy's relatives' holiday gathering. It was a hit last year, to say the least. I just don't think I should make one now. That stuff is about 400 calories per tiny slice. Perhaps I will just stick to my butterscotch schnapps and cuddle with my cats.

Postsecret and such

Sunday is postsecret day. I usually wake early and look at all the postcards people have sent in. Today, I didn't remember to check until much later. I was busy typing my paper.

I marvel at the baring of souls, while also wondering if some people send in secrets that are complete fabrications just to shock Frank and get posted online.

Should secrets be purged? Or should people be taught to use some discretion and keep some things private?

my paper is done!

I finished writing this morning and submitted my paper electronically. I have found myself so far behind in everything lately. I think this weekend finally provided time to rest AND get back on track.

behind schedule, but definitely on track

Jeremy and I cleaned several rooms today. We didn't get to everything, but at least we made a dent. My paper is half done. I already have my information for my last half, so I am doing well. I will work on it tomorrow morning and email it to my professor in the afternoon. I then will work on lesson plans for the next two weeks.

Jeremy and I went out to dinner, which was really nice. I think he really got the message that we need to change our habits - blogs and emails from friends can be just the ticket sometimes. He is currently asleep on the couch while I try to get laundry done while working on my paper. All-in-all, this has been a very nice weekend. We've needed one of these for some time.

Just finding time to look into those green eyes of his makes life feel easier.

progress

While I have yet to tackle all of my paper that I need to send in to my professor today, Jeremy and I are cleaning. Well, actually, he is currently making me waffles for breakfast.

Last night, he read a message from a friend and my blog. We finally had a meaningful discussion about our relationship. I think life is going to get better. He even wants to run something by me, but noticed that I am posting something. He said it can wait until I am done. I don't think he knows how much that means to me that he is acknowledging that I have things I want and need to do.

Step one complete.

Hazel

On Monday, I learned that my best guy friend's eyes are hazel (I had thought they were brown). We have been incredibly close friends since 2000, and yet, I didn't know his eye color. What kind of crappy-ass friend am I?

His eyes looked very green, and I had asked if he was wearing color contacts. When he said no, I felt like the biggest dumb-ass ever! His eyes have just never looked so green before - perhaps it was the lighting in the store.

just talking can be nice

Work went really well today. I wore my Burger King costume, which made me quite happy. I had meetings in the afternoon that were a complete waste of time, but it was still a decent day. I took a series of naps after returning home. Jeremy called several times, and we had really short, yet nice, conversations. I think I had forgotten how nice it can be to just talk to him. He may come back for the weekend. I've learned not to get my hopes up when he is away at training, though.

I worked on my paper, and then turned on the TV to watch Ghost Hunters. I think I watch the show because I want to believe that there is something after physical death.

Primo Coffee

The workday progressed without incident. I was eager to leave, although I knew I'd be sitting at home - waiting for Mike to call. I had almost given up on the possibility of hanging out in Ann Arbor when I heard my phone sing its little tune.

Mike and I met for dinner at B.D.'s and then perused some used CDs at some little shop that Mike and I never seem to reach before closing time. After Mike made his ever-growing purchase, we visited a small coffee shop and graded papers. I worked on my essay, which hasn't really amounted to much, but it has a solid start. I need to sit down and create a detailed outline (as formulaic as that is).

I was doing some deconstruction of the text when Mike handed me a paper - one of his students had shared his inner torment, and I sort of brushed it aside. The whole exercise seemed artificial, as my mind was wrapped around the theories of deconstruction. I instantly felt sick to my stomach that I had not really taken it seriously. I am worried that Mike thinks I am insensitive. I would not have treated my own students' writing that way, and I regret my reaction.

Jeremy called to tell me he loves me and misses me. It's nice to know that even though he is several states away, he does think about me periodically throughout the day. That sounds so much like a textbook. Ugh.

I am waiting to hear from Noah to learn if he will meet me in Ann Arbor this weekend. While I understand Jeremy does not like Noah, I have never asked him to not hang out with any of his friends - even the ones I dislike (both male and female). All I ask is that he not bring them to my home, which he doesn't. I understand that he doesn't like or trust Noah. He is not afraid that Noah will force himself on me or anything - he is simply afraid that Noah might flirt with me or try to kiss me. Noah has been a pretty decent friend over the years. Jeremy should feel confident that I will not let anything inappropriate happen. Jeremy and I even discussed hanging out with our different groups of friends this weekend and meeting up at the end of the night. He seemed to embrace that idea a bit more.

Saturday's Lament

Jeremy woke me up early and we talked about what's been going wrong lately. He decided that he will most likely return home every weekend during training. I had already made plans for next weekend to hang out with Noah, and I think Jeremy just wants to prevent that scenario. It's not that anything will happen with Noah...we'll drink...we'll dance...he may even flirt with me. Hell, he might even bring his on-and-off-again girlfriend to hang out, too.

Jeremy just doesn't want me to spend any time with Noah. Jeremy knows that I am concerned about our relationship, so he probably is trying to keep me from spending a lot of time with my guy friends. He doesn't say he is really worried about me wanting to date Noah, but he has told me he is afraid that I might leave him for Mike.

anger

So, I've had an extremely stressful week and all I want to do is take a nap and then finish grading my students' papers tonight. I have a grad paper due early next week, and I haven't been able to finish reading the theory or the novel.

I drive home, eager to escape the nightmare that is teaching, and Jeremy has a buddy over. Did he clean anything? Did he do his laundry? Did he even clear a spot for me to work? No. Typical.

I can't even view an educational DVD I may use with my students because he and his friend are playing video games. They want me to drive them to the Heidelberg in Ann Arbor later tonight, when all I want to do is get something...anything done.

I think we might have our house guest until tomorrow, and his fiancee is driving out tonight. What the hell!?! How fucking inconsiderate!

This weekend, I have to complete report card grades, read literary theory, read a novel, write a 6-page paper, make lesson plans (including one formal one for my evaluation on Tuesday), set up for my concert, perform on Sunday, get some wedding planning done, clean EVERYTHING!, write letters to parents to explain some of the grading policy changes my school will adopt, and a variety of other things. Jeremy is also leaving on Sunday for three weeks, so I know he expects me to spend time with him.


Perhaps I will just take off with my uke. It feels like one of those days. I really just want to bash in his skull with it, but then I'd have to buy a new ukulele.

Another lonely night

Jeremy is at work again tonight.

I am, once again, avoiding my homework and grading. I need to get everything done by tomorrow so that I can give progress reports and such. I just stopped caring for the day.

My boss wasn't able to observe in my classroom today, so I have to reschedule.

Joe brightened my day today. It was nice to learn that he also looks back on our moments together and just enjoys the memories. I think we all had good times, you know, before life became so complicated.

strumming my little ukulele

I had big plans for myself upon my return home. Instead of conquering the world, I decided to play the ukulele and sing.

A list of some things I have avoided doing today:

1. grading tests for German
2. entering grades and printed progress reports for my students
3. typing a test I plan to give tomorrow (I think multiple choice may be the way to go!)
4. laundry
5. dishes
6. making dinner (we bought subs instead)
7. cleaning my kitchen
8. calling the place where we want to get married
9. exercising
10. homework for grad school

Postsecret

I've decided to send in my secret.

never

I will never be as happy as you are in your photographs.

Someone else's thoughts...

Closer - Dido

So leave your taxi waiting
And turn and close my door
And sit back down where you were sitting
A little closer than before

And when you look that serious
It just makes me want you more
And I've been meaning to tell you

The closer you get, the better I feel
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around
The closer you get, the better I feel

And yes I know you're nervous
Never seen you so unsure
You haven't touched your food tonight
And you're drinking more and more

And there's no need to hurry
Take your time I'll still be here
And I've been meaning to tell you

The closer you get, the better I feel
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around, the better I feel

The closer you get, the better you see
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around
The closer you get, the better I feel
The better I feel, the better I feel

We've been circling for time baby
We're coming down to land tonight
The wait is over and now it's easy
Everything is fine

The closer you get, the better I feel
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around, the better I feel

The closer you get, the better you see
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says, that I look happier
When you're around, the closer you get
The better I feel

Mike called today to see if I wanted to meet him in Ann Arbor. I really wanted to, but Jeremy is leaving tomorrow for four days. I thought it best to stay home with my fiance. I was irritated, though, as Jeremy did ignore me a little to study for his upcoming test. I pouted and then took a nap. Not exactly quality time together.

Mike sounded so disappointed when I told him I wouldn't be able to meet him. That made me feel special - someone actually wanted to spend time with me. I rarely get phone calls, and invitations out are even more rare.

The disappointment I felt is a concern. I had this impulse to rebel against Jeremy. I was angered by the notion that I should have to change what I am doing to suit him - that is certainly not be what I should thinking about considering we are now engaged.


This evening, Jeremy told me he is afraid that I might run off with Mike. Mike and I would never do this. That's just not the nature of our relationship.

As Seen on Myspace...

So far, the Homecoming Dance count is:

6 students arrested for possession of alcohol (most "through consumption").

1 student hospitalized (one of the six arrested) - I witnessed the incident. Drunk (and high) student resisting arrest, etc.Quite a show!

2 times the freshman/sophomore dance had to be stopped because of indecency and violence. Manyof the students were engaged in activity that was in between dancing and sex.

4 kids refused at the door (despite the irate parents insisting they should be allowed in) because they couldn't get there by 9 PM - the dance started at 7:30.

2 kids suffering breathing problems - both were remedied without hospitalization

1 teacher suit coat stolen

16 times one student went to the bathroom to wash his hands while I was on door duty (35 minutes total)

16 chaperones who did not show up or call to say they weren't coming.

5 hours I stayed, even though I planned to only be there for one.

1 girl who allowed her date to pull up her dress and show off here undergarments while on the dance floor (that I witnessed, anyway).

1 male student who actually said (to me) he wouldn't dance to certain types of music with his date because he didn't want to disrespect her. Can you say "Awww!"?

2 carloads of non-students were chased off of campus by the police.

13 times the table was slammed against my legs by freshman and sophomore students who were acting like animals at the end of the night (coat check). I am going to have some nasty bruises.

2 pairs of shoes left unclaimed.

I may be able to add more to this list once I get back to school. Perhaps accidents and such. I saw a terrible accident on my way home - it could have been one of our students.

dehydrated again

Once again, I am severely dehydrated. I refuse to go to the hospital, even though I've been having health problems all day (mostly vision, hearing, and muscle movement issues). I've been trying to take in a bunch of water, but I just can't keep drinking it.

I should be accustomed to this because it happens so frequently, but I just can't seem to force myself to drink enough liquid. I am really craving salt, too. That's probably a sign that something else is wrong, but I loathe going to the doctor - although my urologist is actually someone I am fine with (my current insurance stuff won't cover a visit to him without first visiting the doctor in the area who is listed as my primary care physician).

I feel as though I've wasted yet another Saturday. Jeremy is actually home this weekend, but we didn't go look at houses or reception halls - yeah, we are way behind schedule with our wedding plans! We are just rarely home at the same time, and it is difficult to make decisions that affect both of us in that situation.

Beyond the "normal" stress, I am to help with Homecoming tonight at work. I don't think I'll stay the whole time; but I said that about dances last year. The teachers end up going out drinking afterward, and that is an absolute blast! I wouldn't trust my body with alcohol today, though. I am facing enough stress on my organs.

Nightmares

I can't stop having nightmares. I know what my subconscious is trying to deal with (still), but I'd simply like to avoid the topic. I don't want to get into it here, either. I force myself awake and then sit up for a while. I feel like I am so stressed out.

I made several stiff drinks last night for Mike A., Jeremy, and myself. I could not focus on grading papers, which I brought home with me again today. I have been avoiding them for hours now. Unfortunately, the alcohol didn't just let me rest.

I have other things on my mind, too, so I am hoping to find some sort of outlet to avoid fucking things up.

A good birthday

Jeremy was out of town today, but I had a great day. My students were wonderful. I had a number of good laughs. Mike treated me to dinner. We talked for hours, as usual, and it was so comforting and kind. He looked at clothes in some store, and I critiqued jackets and such - I taught Mike the term "Moobs" - apparently my meshing of both 'man' and 'boobs' was a hit. He said he will definitely use that term tomorrow. We walked in the rain, stopped at coffee shops, completed homework and graded the homework of our students, all the while contemplating what the world would be like if our students really put forth the effort that we hope for.

I didn't get my exact birthday wish, but who ever does? I believe I got something better. I was able to let go of yesterday's grief and depression and feel giggly and happy. Mike is the ultimate pick-me-up. Everyone needs someone like Mike. And the best part? We don't need alcohol to be like that. I thought that our wild A2 nights could be only that - wild (as the result of being intoxicated), but we still have a great time without the booze.

Maybe next time we hang out there will be nicer weather and I can demonstrate my MAD uke skills. I have yet to do that for him. I can't tell you how many times he has been the resident performer. It would be nice to let him relax and have someone perform music for him.

I may be going to see David Sedaris in a couple of weeks with my parents and Jeremy. I may see what my budget is and treat Mike. Also, I have to keep him informed about Sherman Alexie, who will be returning the the A2/Ypsi area in early November. He missed him last time, so he is determined to get there. The best part? He will be at my college! Frickin' sweet!

Thank you to everyone who have made this day wonderful. I LOVE GUYS!

depression

I feel so depressed it's hard to breathe.

My parents invited me over for dinner; that only made me feel worse. Sometimes I think I might be better off taking myself out of existence.

Woke up this morning

I woke up this morning with lesson plans going through my head. I was able to snag one of the data projectors (which are rarely available) for all of next week, so I am going to jump in and teach my classes the way I love to teach with music, graphics, PowerPoint presentations, virtual (internet) field trips, etc. I may be able to hang on to the darn thing longer if no one else signs it out.

I also have chores on my mind. I went to my basement and found a rather nasty surprise from my cats. Because my complex was painting doors, we were instructed to leave our pets closed in a room. My cats retaliated by pissing on the floor - right next to their damn litter box! Luckily, I have a standard basement floor that can be mopped or sprayed down for cleaning, but I still felt the need to scrub the entire floor and rewash clothes that were nowhere near the urine but were subject to wafts of cat urine for a day.

Jeremy will be home around 1:30 this afternoon and will leave again tomorrow. Then he will return on Tuesday. I just need to work in my reading, writing of papers, grading, and lesson planning around his schedule - he is always a distraction. Not that I'm complaining, though. I rather like that, after all these years, he still gets my full attention.

Monday

I am having dinner with Mike on Monday. Wahoo!

Morgen ist Freitag!

I've been speaking so much more German to my students than I did last year at this time. I am trying to work in immersion-style methods, and so far, everything seems to be going well.

My grad class was decent, although I didn't complete the reading. I stopped at the theater to pay my annual dues for band and then left. I didn't feel like I could get through rehearsal tonight. I picked up a sub on the way home and I've been running around since I arrived. It's hard to believe that I've only been home for fifty minutes. I can't remember the last time I was able to get so much done - especially while nursing a cold!

Tomorrow, my German students will take a quiz and then watch a DVD. My English students will be completely several pre-reading assignments and activities for Beowulf. I feel like I am in my element lately!

worn out but happy

Despite the fact that I truly enjoy my job, I am constantly exhausted at the end of the day. I did just recently come down with a cold (today is the worst day yet), but I find it ridiculous that I am so tired. Unfortunately, because I cannot breathe through my nose, I cannot sleep. I cannot even focus on my homework. Instead, I've been watching Ghost Hunters on SciFi. Jeremy is on his way home with his buddy Joel, and they are supposed to be bringing me dinner and medication.

5 options - lame post, but who cares?

Should I:

1. attend a camp-out with my relatives this weekend.
2. celebrate Maureen's birthday (a couple of days late) and go out clubbing.
3. go to Ann Arbor with Mike.
4. shut myself indoors and complete all of my homework and lesson plans for the next two weeks.
5. clean EVERYTHING again.

-OR-

6. a little of each.

...

I feel like writing, but I have nothing to write about. Someone, please inspire me tonight.

grad school

I attended my first class at Eastern. It will definitely keep me on my toes!!! I am not as well-versed in literary criticism/theory, but this will certainly change that. Ironically enough, high school English teachers can be somewhat trained out of using the different schools of thought when it comes to analyzing something. We are supposed to teach students to find "their own meaning", with which I've always found a problem.

Our anchor text that we will examine through thirty or so different "lenses" is Bram Stoker's Dracula! What a treat!