German Festival

I spent the afternoon and evening at German Park Recreation Center. I enjoyed a decent German Weissbier and talked with some people I had never before met. I learned that one works with my friend Will at Costco. We talked a little bit.

I spent time with my parents and my father's friends. It's somewhat strange to see him with his buddies, so I just sat back and observed. I can tell that he thoroughly enjoys these people.

I decided to get up and wander around. I called several people. Some answered; some didn't. I looked at the crowd from a distance and let the scene go silent in my head.

After a while, I began walking back to my parents. I saw someone who looked like a girl I had not seen in 15 years. I decided to approach. I asked if her name is Janelle, and she studied my face as she answered yes. I gave her my name and she asked if I used to have blond hair. It's been a long time since I had blond hair. My hair turned darker toward the end of middle school. We briefly talked, and I returned to my parents happy that someone I used to know was at a random German festival.

The world felt much smaller today, much more manageable.

Progress

I really do think everything is going to be alright now.

The End

I lied. I lied to protect what I thought was working with Jeremy and me. I lied about talking to Tony online and on the phone. I withheld the fact that Tony was at the bar and at Joe's party.

I had decided to enter discussion to fix what went wrong in my relationship with Jeremy. We seemed to be getting along quite well. I was hopeful because we hadn't drifted too far apart. I had every intention of focusing on that, but I couldn't seem to shake thoughts about Tony. I even tried to get Jeremy to demonstrate those qualities that I never before knew I needed, as well as ones I always knew I needed, that Jeremy has never really been able to do. He was even willing to try, but for some reason, I couldn't be patient enough. I couldn't trust that he wasn't going to revert back to what drove me away. In addition to this, I have days in which I am borderline insane. This is not an attempt to be cute; it is a truth I've been withholding from many people. I am having some emotional issues, perhaps as a combined result of a traumatic and emotionally charged break-up and medical problems that seemed to hit a climax at the same time. I am still reeling from both, despite some drastic changes, so it is difficult to make progress and fix me. At times, I am able to slow down and get myself in order, but these moments don't last very long.

I responded to messages, thinking that maybe it would be okay (knowing, deep down, that it wouldn't be) - simply because I was avoiding being around Tony in a physical space. I figured the feelings would drift into the background, and they would be no big deal. I hadn't seen him in person in at least a month-and-a-half, and when I did, the feelings were still there. The only difference was that I was experiencing a sensation that I can only liken to that of drowning. I struggled to keep my bearings in our conversation at our table. I wanted to open up to someone and tell what I was feeling, but I was met with a message that I just enjoy the drama. I really thought that this person would truly understand some of what I was experiencing. I can usually hide how deeply I am hurting. I hope I hid it well that night.


Jeremy, if you happen to be reading this...I'm sorry. I know that nothing I say will ever make up for hurting you, for lying to you again, for making you feel like I am a terrible human being. I never meant to put you through this. I never meant to feel what I am feeling. I wanted to believe that you and I could get through anything. I was selfish. I was careless with your heart. I was too weak to give you what you required. I am sorry. I've destroyed every ounce of trust you ever had in me. I've obliterated everything that we once shared.

When Tony contacted me about his incident at work, I felt a surge of panic I didn't know how to avoid.

I truly hope we can be civil to each other. I hope that we both will get through this and heal. You didn't deserve any of this, and I never meant for it to happen.

Lousy Day

I had another day that just didn't feel worth the effort. To top it off, a friend sent me a rather nasty message to tell me he thinks I am a terrible friend because I didn't call him over the past few months. I had sent him messages, but he felt that communicating on something like Facebook was somehow less than good enough for him (keep in mind - he sent me this message through Facebook). Apparently, he feels that I am low enough for Facebook, though.

I hate when friendships need so much work. He claimed that he would have been supportive and yada yada yada. The fact is that he never called and he knew that my life was falling apart around me. He knew this because I had told him, in person. He sent me a message to call him a week later, but I couldn't do anything during that week - I had too many things going on in my life, not to mention feeling my life come apart at the seams.

He wrote that he needs time to cool off, so I should call him later on. I don't know how much time he needs.

This feels so stupid. Friends are friends when they can be. Josh told me that true friends are the ones who will listen to you time and time again when everything falls apart. They will listen and be kind and not kick you when you're down. They won't try to pawn you off on to someone else. When Josh's fiancee left him, he was distraught for months. His friends listened and let him heal and didn't give him commentary about how he had made wrong choices in the relationship.

E. made comments and then claims he would have been supportive. That's complete garbage.

True, I didn't call him and ask if he and his wife wanted to get together. I wasn't in a place to do that. A true friend would have realized this - not only because of my break-up, but also because I was having some health and behavior problems. Grad school and working were the only things I could try to keep stable. And we all know what happened with my district this year.

So, I am having a lousy day. I am trying not to let his negative comments get to me, but the words sting and I am a lot weaker than I used to be. I can't stop crying. I so desperately want to talk to someone about this, but it's late, and I don't want to continue to run to others when I need help. I have to find a way to deal with this on my own. I just don't think I can do it.

I just deleted three paragraphs. I just can't let you in to the rest of what I am experiencing.

Respite

I need a respite from my life. I feel overwhelmed again.

I wasn't offered the Ann Arbor job. I know that they interviewed many people for the job, but it still sucks that I wasn't at the top of their list.

I met with my graduate adviser today. Everything seems aligned finally. I am all set to graduate next winter, that is, if I do well in my courses (which I am fairly certain I will).

I have no idea what I am going to do for work.

My Saturday To-Do List

Grade Essays
Wash / Dry / Put Away Dishes
Wash / Dry / Fold / Iron / Put Away Clothes
Clean Kitchen
Move all teaching materials into basement for storage
Search for and apply for jobs
Get the information to set up an appointment with Michigan Works
Get all my ducks in a row for my lay-off
Clean the living room
Clean the bathroom
Make my bed (new sheets day!)
Sort clothes for donation
Find all BHS materials to return (teaching resource books, etc.)
Exercise (either outside or at the gym)
Count calories
Clean bedroom
Clean spare room
Straighten boxes in basement
Play the ukulele
Practice band music (especially the mallet parts)
water plants
call relatives
call friends
go out at night

My name is...

Death of the Party

I decided against going out last night. I really wanted to hang out with Bob, but going to watch a three-hour movie that started at midnight did not seem like the best way to spend time with a friend. I was getting ready to go out when I started to feel weak. It happens from time to time, and I try to just force myself to get out and try to do something. This time, though, I had to admit defeat and stay home. The last time I felt that weak was the bridal gown and bridesmaid dress event for Maureen. I was nearly falling asleep at David's Bridal, so I decided to it would be best to not put myself in a position to fall asleep at the wheel while driving home from Royal Oak.

Flamingos

Is it my imagination or did life suddenly start to move at lightning speed? The past month has flown by. I've been completely wrapped up in things at work, as well as things caused by work. My health is getting better. I feel incredibly tired today and I want to take a nap, but that will throw off everything I have planned for my three-day weekend.

I am thinking about going out tonight. The Killer Flamingos are playing at Double Six Lounge in Novi tonight and Cowley's in Farmington tomorrow night. I don't know how much cover is, but I am considering going to one or the other. I should see what Maureen is up to. I hate going out alone.

I need to get a few things in order at home before venturing out, though. I am just afraid that I will turn it into a massive cleaning and packing weekend - I always feel as though I've wasted my time when I do that.

NZ?

Next stop: New Zealand?

I am looking into employment in other places. New Zealand has jumped back up on my list. I want to finish my master's degree first, so the timing might be right for a move next June or July. I will keep you all posted.

MRSA

I had an interesting day. During second period, I had to move my class to another room because the custodial staff needed to disinfect my room. One of my students has MRSA. She is being hospitalized due to the severity of the infection - and it is not just contained to a specific area of her body. It's everywhere - arms, legs, scalp, face, mouth...everywhere.

The doctors are hopeful that she will recover, but it could easily go the other way. I don't know quite how to feel about this. I am not particularly close with this student, but the thought that she might not return next week or ever again(she has not been responding well to medical treatment because her diabetes prevents her from being able to take medication, etc.) is starting to hit me.

I am attached to these kids. They are a huge part of my life. I've lost two students in the past, and the loss still makes me cry. I don't know how to go about losing another. These kids have provided me stability at a time in my life when I feel completely unstable.

A return to closed-mouth, conservative communication

This past week has been quite a test for me. I have avoided certain people (mostly, anyway) and certain activities that prevent me from putting my life back together in this single context. There have been days in which I have turned off my phone for the duration of the day, just because I know I will call people I shouldn't. In the time it takes for my phone to reboot, I can usually talk myself out of the call. This reflection time is about me, and I need to not distract myself with the wants and needs of others.

Last weekend, I helped Melissa and Eric move. I had shown up the previous weekend and helped with what I could before we decided to call it a day and plan for the next weekend. I was more than happy to help. Yes, moving is difficult, but it has to be done, and I didn't have anything planned for myself, anyway. My friends usually don't help me at all whenever I move. Some offer, but when I actually make the plans, they are all too busy. That really speaks to who my true friends are, huh? Because of that move, I think Melissa's parents see me differently. I didn't complain or whine. I just moved things in an assembled furniture. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Melissa's mom told her to take note of who actually made themselves available and helped (both weekends!). So, now I am left with this nagging question...why do I not rank higher on Melissa's list of friends on MySpace. It seems like such a stupid thing for me to focus on, but my self-esteem has taken a beating for some time now, and I keep looking outside of myself for a pick-me-up.

It's weird. I don't get it. I don't know why I can recognize my faulty logic but not escape it. I don't feel melancholy about this, though. Am I just accepting this quality in myself, even though I don't want to?


I rank very high on Maureen's list. No. 2 is wonderful. That probably explains why she asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I am worried about planning a speech, as well as planning the bachelorette party - No, I am NOT taking her to see male strippers! I am morally opposed to such activities, and I will not take part in such things. I may need to have Carolyn step in for that sort of thing. And no, this is not a time for my friends to tell me to "lighten up" or "get over it" when it comes to those things. I respect your values, and I expect you to respect mine.

I guess this post is turning into a rant. I didn't mean for it to be a rant.

From all the years of my life, I suppose I was the most comfortable form of myself when I lived in Paw Paw. I followed my own direction. I was comfortable with small-town life and meeting friends in slightly larger Kalamazoo. I was out walking in nature daily. I spent a lot of time in an old Revolutionary War cemetery near my home. I was calm. I wrote a lot. I visited wineries. I was not battered with too many options or friends telling me what they think I should do rather than listening to what I want for myself and helping me attain it. I felt confident in my teaching. I felt confident in my personal life. I did yoga regularly. How do I find this again? How do I sustain it in this failing economy, emotional roller-coaster situation that has been my love life, and new stresses related to work and grad school?

a few things

This week I visited and viewed my uncle's condo in Ann Arbor. I am all for living there - as long as I am allowed to paint as I please (I am very conservative with this sort of thing). The place definitely needs some work, well, some serious scrubbing. I want to suggest to my uncle that he hire a professional cleaning company for the job, as he has not really the kept his vacant second home in tip-top shape.

I would be excited to have a yard, albeit a tiny one. I can make the place look wonderful; I know that. I just need to find myself a job so that I can afford to live there. If I get a job north of Detroit, though, I will either stay where I am or move northward. I need to get this all figured out soon. My lease is almost up, and everything is so expensive.


I've been working on me lately, which hasn't been quite the crisis situation I thought it would be. The vitamins seem to keep me in check, which is great. I don't feel irrational or moody or confused when I remember to take them every day. My doctors have said that if I just continue taking vitamins, I should never have to be on medication for imbalances, etc., because all appears normal now. I wasn't "normal" earlier this year.

The angular cheilitis is under control now. Lucky for me, it didn't result in the scary pictures one sees on the internet. Instead, I just had redness at the corners of my mouth with small cracks. It's not contagious, nor is it something that I will necessarily suffer from in the future. As long as I continue taking B vitamins daily and protecting my lips better in times of stress and during the winter months, I should not have to deal with the pain or the unsightly things (not that many even noticed them. Mine didn't extend far from the lines of my mouth.). I'm so happy it's not some crazy thing like cold sores or something worse. My mom and my sister (and many of my cousins) get this during the winter. Pale-skinned, vitamin-deficient, women between the ages of 24 and 32 tend to get this fairly regularly. Does this make me more "normal?"


The job search continues. I have a few friends doing everything in their power to help me, which is wonderful. I just don't know what I would do if I couldn't find anything.

Ann Arbor

I forgot to take my vitamins today. I noticed a marked difference. It was difficult to stay on task. I had a killer headache. I was somewhat irritable. I suppose it could have just been the weather system affecting me, but it seems awfully coincidental.

I went to see my uncle's condo. I am all for living there. It needs some work (and a crap load of vigorous, intensive cleaning), but it will be a much better setup for me. It has 3 nicely-sized bedrooms upstairs, 1.5 baths, a full basement, complete with an office, a punching bag that will stay hanging in another section of the basement, a small but wonderful fenced-in yard, a fireplace, and a much better (recently remodeled) kitchen with room for a table. It is approximately 1300 square feet, not including the basement. That would be much better...and the real deal? My uncle will only charge me what I am paying now. That is a steal, especially for Ann Arbor!

I just need to make sure I have a job that will make it possible to live there.

I really do enjoy cleaning, and this place really needs it. I would really like to help update some things before moving in. I know my uncle and his wife would be doing a bunch of things, but part of me really wants in on the decision-making regarding paint color, etc. I will gladly help with all work, just to have some control. I would really like to rip out some of the wall paper. I'm good at that sort of thing. My current place doesn't really have the "look" I normally would give my home, but Jeremy and I thought that this place was only going to be temporary (meaning a home for one year), so we didn't change anything.

I am certain my uncle will be impressed with what I'd like to do to his condo. The property WILL be improved while I live there, both by me and by my dad, who has said he will definitely help out with modifications, etc.

I want my dad to check the stability of the second-floor balcony. It seems to be okay, but I just want him to check for me.

Let's all keep our fingers crossed for me - I really need a job that anchors me in the area. I have a few leads in the Ann Arbor area...although I'd love one of the advertised jobs in Oakland and Macomb counties.

Okay

I've been doing much better these last few days. I think the daily (over)dose of vitamins is doing the trick - I feel a lot more stable, although I do have moments here and there when I feel somewhat anxious. My tests all came back normal, which is so wonderful. I am hoping that I can get myself back on track - well, on a new track, as my job is evaporating and I will be moving soon.

I am sorting out a lot of my feelings. I still have more work to do, but things are moving in the right direction (sort of a foreign concept for me this calendar year).

Oh, I did learn that drinking green tea a lot last fall may have contributed to my health problems - not only does it cause kidney stones for me, I become quite dehydrated. That creates a scenario in which I actually lose vitamins because of the diuretic nature of tea.

Because of this imbalance, I felt unable to cope with relationship problems in a positive way, as well as many other things. I couldn't get organized or set a routine. I was drinking a lot more than usual to "numb" myself and keep up the facade that I was enjoying life a lot more than I actually was.


I am considering eliminating my blogs, my MySpace account, and other things that are out there.

It is done.

What I needed to do...I did.

The Bobs

It seems that several Bobs have been helpful lately. Bob W. has been a shoulder for me to lean on, offering sound advice and positive commentary. Bob H. is going through something similar to what's been going on in my life, although his is much more recent. We talked for a short while today, and it felt really great to talk to someone who could understand what I've been going through. I am so sorry that this year has brought so much misery for so many people. I feel hopeful, though, that something positive will come from all of this.

I vow to not let my health issues hold me back. I will be visiting the doctor more frequently. I think that is necessary at this point in my life.
I vow to find myself suitable employment since I am being laid off at the end of the school year.
I vow to communicate my feelings openly and honestly. Additionally, I need to find a way to process everything that has happened and move forward from it.
I vow to not waste time of things that will not help me advance myself.
I vow to dive deeply into all my grad work.
I vow to fight for what I want in my life.

Sunday Morning

I used to have a Sunday morning ritual. I'd wake up from a lengthy slumber with Jeremy at my side. We'd nuzzle and cuddle for nearly an hour before officially starting the day. We'd make our way downstairs for breakfast (sometimes we'd opt to go to Plato's Coney Island). After eating, we'd read PostSecret and talk. I miss that. I never really expressed how wonderful that routine was for me.

This morning, my three alarms sounded before I wanted to wake up. I walked downstairs alone, read PostSecret alone (I realize I haven't read it in months), and then got ready to help Melissa move the contents of her storage unit to her new rental house in Berkley. Unfortunately, the elevator wasn't working today, and she had to change her plans. We did load up some items into her vehicle (Eric ended up taking the Budget truck back to Southfield) and planned for another move time during this next week or over next weekend. All-in-all, it should only take an hour or so to load up the truck, perhaps thirty minutes to drive to the house, and an hour to unload. We also will need to move items for Eric's apartment (where they've been living). I am more than willing to help. I think I will be needing some assistance this summer when I will have to move. I need to spend some time sorting and tossing out items that just don't mean that much to me anymore.

When I came home, I opened windows, straightened the flower bed areas around my place, and bathed the cats. They were happy about the former moreso than the latter. I was able to avoid getting clawed. They bounced back from the excitement rather quickly and are sunning themselves by the back door. I am now going to spend a little chunk of time on things for me. I might play the uke, or go for a walk, or possibly ride my bike. I need to do something non-school-related with the gift of this beautiful afternoon NOT moving someone into their new home.

On the health side of things, my skin is splitting at the corner of my mouth again (well, not again, per se - the other side is splitting now). I feel embarrassed about this, even though it is hardly noticeable and it is just a condition caused by stress, dehydration, and vitamin deficiency. I can understand how those with cold sores and extreme acne (and other visible skin irritations) feel. I have never been plagued with much more than the occasional blemish here and there, and this makes me feel like I am like some hideous monster. The skin will take a while to heal (old, trusty petroleum jelly is best after the area is cleaned properly).

"You have a very nice vein."

I've been visiting doctors since I found out I have a vitamin deficiency. I am worried that I may have more problems, simply because the deficiency was quite severe. I visited one today and a technician had to draw blood for several tests.

I should probably share that I am afraid of needles. That doesn't quite convey the fear. I would say it is definitely belonephobia (needle-phobia). I can't think of needles without starting to hyperventilate. I often start shaking and my arms sort of roll up into my chest. I have fought doctors and nurses who have attempted to extract blood, as well as those who have tried to insert IVs so that I can feel relief from excessive pain (kidney stones), although I would have to say that I have become better equipped to "deal" with the problem. I have asked to be held down before so that I cannot fight. Jeremy has also been helpful (he tries to distracting me) in the past.

So, today while sitting in the room waiting for the inevitable experience, the technician made small talk. She was a very nice woman. She asked me to straighten my arm and rest it on the little arm rest of the specially-designed chair. I did. I looked away. I can't handle seeing any of the darn pointy things that will be used. She was quiet for a moment and then said, "You have a very nice vein. I think I will use that one."

I had to laugh, well, as much as I could with the impending blood extraction looming before me. I have never before been told I have a nice vein, so it struck me. I relaxed a little. She cleaned the area and then tied the rubber thing around my upper arm (I don't know what it looked like or anything - I just kept looking away.) She told me that I might feel a little pinch.

I felt the needle touch my skin, but there wasn't the pain I have felt during all other times. Before I knew it, the experience was over, and vial of my blood was resting on the little tray. I was so appreciative of the care that she took, given my overwhelming fear (my palms were sweaty and I was starting to hyperventilate). I felt compelled to compliment her ability to do that without causing pain. She said that that made her day.


This week is strange - I had a great week of teaching, found out I am losing my job at the end of the year, received a present from Jeremy's trip to Germany, calmed Jeremy down after he found someone dented and scratched his brand new vehicle, walked around at Newburgh Pointe and listened a variety of musicians camped out by the water (hmm...maybe it's time to break out the ukulele there), went to the doctor, "handled" getting my blood drawn, cried in public, and was complimented about the nice, big, blue vein in my right arm.

I am feeling angry, though, at the world. I am anti-social. I am afraid of taking out my frustrations on the wrong people. I am avoiding everything, except my health, because I don't know how to deal with my life right now.

Teaching

Does anyone know of any available teaching positions? It seems that I will not have a job after June. I'm having a rough day.

Better

I am starting to find myself again, as angry as I am about life. The repair process will take much longer than anticipated and will be full of moments that just don't make any sense, but things are getting better.

ANGER

I have some anger issues I need to work out. I don't want to make anyone a target, so I've mostly been keeping to myself. I feel stressed and frustrated about where my life is headed. This is nothing new; I am simply in touch with my feelings in a way that I haven't been for some time. I think it is important to stay away from people, as much as possible, so that I can allow myself the time and attention to process these feelings, rather than bottling them up. Bottling them lead to the last big disaster of my life, and I don't wish to repeat history.

Along with this anger comes a very strong sadness. I feel a loss that is so deep that I don't know how to stomach it.

I think a lot of things hit me this year, and I didn't know how to approach any of them. I was so overwhelmed with emotions and physical ailments that I just sort of flipped out. I am angry with myself for letting these thing happen to me and even more angry at myself for acting out in ways that were inappropriate for the situation I was in.

I can feel myself coming back to center, but the view is entirely different. I am not the person I was. I am not the person I was before things fell apart. I am someone else. I dislike defining moments for their very nature shakes my already unstable ground. I am angry. I am full on tension. I am unsure of many steps ahead, although the next few seem incredibly clear. So, I need to focus only on completing those next few steps (no, this is not an AA thing). Once those are done, I can move on to the next.

CLEAR THINKING

I am using my evenings this week to examine a few things, and I've come to some conclusions.

1. I want to have my own children. I don't want to adopt. I don't want to miss out on the experience of raising a family that is my own flesh and blood.

2. I want to feel that I have a respectable career - and I want to feel that whomever I end up with is proud of me for my career. Additionally, I would like to be employed within the school district I could later retire from within the next two years.

3. I want to travel the world. I want to be a part of the the global community, not just the American community.

4. I want to finish my master's degree by this time next year.

5. I want to pursue my doctorate within the next four years.

6. I would like to buy a house within the next four years.

7. I want someone who will make me smile every day.

8. I want someone who will not feel that he needs to compete with me for who had the more stressful or important day.

9. I want someone who will make me laugh.

10. I need someone who will take care of his own responsibilities. I have no issue with sharing responsibilities, but I refuse to take care of someone else if he won't take care of me.

11. I want someone who is capable of communicating his feelings and will not push me away or ignore me when I have feelings I need to communicate.

12. I want to be with someone with whom I can "lose" myself.

13. Whomever I have the privilege of being with needs to love animals, particularly my animals.

14. I need to be with someone with whom there is undeniable attraction and chemistry.

15. I need to be with someone who continuously seeks to improve himself through life experiences and academics.

16. I deserve to be treated like a queen sometimes, just as I would hope to treat someone like he is a king at times.

17. I will continue performing in the band, as well as the percussion ensemble.

18. I will continue meeting other ukulele players, and we will hopefully set up some local performances.

19. Eventually, I want a piano again - the keyboard just isn't the same.

20. I want to be with someone who will see me as a riddle and spend the rest of his life trying to figure me out.

21. I refuse to follow anyone again without both of us agreeing to go somewhere else based on mutual desire to go.

22. I need to spend more time reading to better acquaint myself with the human experiences that I have missed while I've been avoiding the world.

23. I need to write a lot more.

24. I want to be with someone who is comfortable strutting / dancing with me in the grocery store.

25. I want to feel loved more than anything else in the world.

26. I need to take much better care of myself than I do. I can't believe how out of control my behavior, emotions, and health were before visiting the doctor.

27. I truly miss someone more than anyone could ever imagine me missing anyone or anything. It feels like part of my soul is missing.

28. I need time to process all of this.

The End of Holiday

So, the end of my vacation is almost here. I managed to:

read a couple of novels for grad school
complete my panel discussion paper
attend rehearsals all week
perform incredibly well at my concert
help Jeremy get his trip to Germany squared away (despite being really jealous)
apply for jobs
hang out with friends I usually don't get to see
finish a group project, including an online chat with a group of people with conflicting schedules
have a few really deep conversations
escape the stress of teaching for a while
buy Idiocracy, Lost in Translation, and Rain Man
watch Idiocracy and The X-Files
clean a chunk of my home
start eating healthy again
garden a little bit
talk on the phone a lot
become emotional and allow myself to express what I am truly feeling
listen to a great band
play the ukulele and write a few songs (I can finally write songs about someone - who knew that it was possible!?!)
sleep a lot

Decisions

I have decisions to make, and I am not sure if I am in a place to make the right decisions just yet. I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there.

On the bright side of things, I did finish my paper for grad school. I finished earlier than I thought I would. It is full of research and commentary. I hope to revise it tonight after my concert. I also already completed my group project and posted it on the emich and wikispace pages.


The other things I need to accomplish this weekend:

Read A Tale of Two Cities
Create lesson plans for German 1 and English Honors 9 (for the last six weeks of school)
Write the English 9 and German 1 final exams
Grade papers
Enter grades
Post progress report grades
Perform in my concert tonight at 8 (Call is 7 PM)
Exercise
Do laundry
Clean my living room
Sort papers from grad school
Call Jason
Email Cathy about Monday
Continue to count calories
Plan and make lunches for the week
Scrub my kitchen
Water plants
Work on flowerbeds
Clear out donation items and junk
Clean bedroom and straighten up bathroom and landing area
Straighten shoes
Go to the ATM
Start organizing and storing teaching materials for the summer
Apply for jobs
Print and organize ukulele music (Uke meeting Tuesday of this week!!!)

and so much more!

Jeremy called to ask me for a backpack that he will need during his Germany trip. He will be by in a few minutes to pick it up on his way to the airport.

I hope he and Mike have a wonderful time, drinking and sightseeing. I wish I were going on the trip with Jeremy, but that's not really a possibility at this point. Oh, how I wish it were.

Easter

Is today a day of rebirth? Or is it a day of resurrection?

I understand what it all means in a religious context, but I try to use religious holidays to reflect on my own life even though I would not say that I am "religious."

I would enjoy the opportunity to start anew, but that is just not how life works. Well, maybe if I altered my appearance, left all of my "old" life behind, and moved away never to return. I could be absolutely anyone I wanted to be. However, this is not really a true possibility, because I am already imbued with all sorts of values and expectations that would never truly cease to exist within me. Even in cases of amnesia, patients often continue with behaviors and practices that might feel foreign to them - these are remnants of who or what they had experienced prior to the amnesiac experience. The body remembers and, thus, they are not "blank slates."

As far as resurrection, one would return as they were before. So, if I were to experience some sort of resurrection, I would simply return to behavioral patterns or emotional responses that were there before. Believe me, there is a part of me that yearns for this. I want to recapture something that may not be possible. Even though I do feel things for someone different, I miss Jeremy. He makes me laugh. He is that person with whom I still envision my future. I'm certain this is normal after such a long relationship. I long for the days in which we were so good to each other - when we were just trying to make something of ourselves so that we could be what the other needed most. We had never reached that point of "enough is enough" (even when things had gone south before) until someone else stepped into the picture at a time that I was truly vulnerable. I was experiencing some serious medical problems that did affect my behavioral drastically, and I lacked the ability to cope with what was happening within myself, as well as what was happening in my life. I did my best to hide and avoid dealing with what was happening to me.

Others could argue that the feelings I am experiencing for Tony are part of a resurrection, as well. He was someone I recognized as a kindred spirit of sorts in my past. He saw the world differently from most people - and I always felt like he could see whatever point I was trying to make. The vast majority of people have failed to understand my logic. He has retained that childlike approach to new things, and I am drawn to that. He is inquisitive and kind, and I am curious. I feel special when I am around him, and I don't want to stop this feeling. I don't know that it will grow into anything serious just yet, but there is possibility.

So, today, I don't know what I should be considering - running off to, say, Germany and being who I would be there or resurrecting something here.

Or, maybe, I should lean toward fusion of both and try a new relationship with a different person based on the resurrection of romantic expectations.

For Class

Teaching for Progressive Social Change in the Reading and Literature Classroom

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Essays & Theses School Work literature teaching

Absurdism at its Best

I plan to pair this or another similar piece with a text I studied for class. It might be a little over the top and obvious than the absurdism in the text, but it demonstrates the notion in a fairly short period of time.

Vitamin B

I am so tired today. Teaching really took everything out of me. I feel sleepy rather than exhausted, which is a nice difference from the way I've been feeling lately. Since I visited the doctor over the weekend, I've been taking a variety of vitamins (I should just get a multi-vitamin, but those have made me ill in the past, so I am somewhat leery of doing that).

My vitamin B deficiency has led to some interesting skin, behavioral, and emotional issues as of late. I didn't realize that things has deteriorated so much. It feels good to be clearer now, but I wonder about what problems could have been avoided over the past four to five months. I guess that is my nature to second-guess myself when there really is no other way for things to have happened. I can't change the past. I can only learn the lesson that is in there somewhere.

I wish I had noticed the symptoms of the deficiency earlier. I could have put myself on track and probably saved myself a lot of aggravation.

Tired

I woke up late this morning. That will teach me to rely on plug-in alarm clocks, huh? I wanted to stop relying so heavily on my cell phone. I frantically called two of my administrators; we had to get word to the other person administering the MME test that I was going to be late. Tiffany took over and completed the supervisor responsibilities today. I was so happy to learn that she was doing this. I felt like a total failure, though. I have NEVER shown up late for work before. I was angry at myself. I was totally freaked out because today is the final day of MME testing, too.

When I arrived, I went immediately to my room and got settled. By the end of testing, I was doing fine. I even made a bunch of origami rabbits and squirrels and placed them around the room I was assigned to for testing. Andy has some sort of thing for squirrels, from what the kids tell me, so I decided that he should return to a small collection of squirrels on his desk (the rabbits are everywhere else - taped to windows, placed next to his classroom objects, etc.).

I taught in the late morning / early afternoon. I worked on the English exam that no one else decided to help with. I hate that everyone just expects me to do things for them. I am tired of this.

I need to go shopping. I need to get my hair cut (but my mother is out of town, unfortunately). I don't have band, but I need to practice my music. Afterward, I will finish typing the exam. I also need to do a crapload of cleaning. I think my kitchen and living room will be taken care of by 4 or so tomorrow afternoon. I really need to focus on the upstairs and the basement.

Stress and Kindness

I felt stressed all day long. I had to administer the ACT at work, and although it is a scripted test, I had to pay such close attention to absolutely everything I said or did that I felt a bit overwhelmed.

After the test, I had to sit through several meetings, working on the same crap we've been working on for months. I really needed to be grading or writing the quarterly exam that has fallen at my feet again. I am so sick of this responsibility. I don't like thinking about this stuff when so many other teachers get to criticize it - they don't bother contributing to it, but they certainly bitch about things (truth be told, I use state-created or ACT materials for the exam, so they really shouldn't be complaining at all).

Jeremy and I met for dinner after he flew back to Detroit tonight. It was a nice meeting. We've been having a lot of those lately. We recognize the overly-dysfunctional nature of what we had, and we are moving forward from it. We don't see full reconciliation, but we are not opposed to it, should it become obvious down the line (WAY down the line) that we want to be together again. He picked me up and we were off to sit in Friday's, talking about how much happier we both feel now. He said he felt like he was released from prison (not that he would truly know what that is like), but he acknowledged that he had created or generously helped to create the prison his life had become. I found his statement very much like my own commentary about being liberated when we both decided to separate. We used to be right for each other, and I did see that person across the table from me - the man I fell in love with, but the emotions have changed. I think we both realized that although the love we have for each other is as deep as or deeper than any ocean, we don't seem to be feeling the "in love" sentiments. I am afraid of them returning if I should continue to hang out with him.

There were no confusing looks or actions, like a hand on an arm or anything like that. Instead, there was a kindness that only people who are completely at peace with a decision can truly experience. This doesn't mean that I don't feel sadness about what occurred. I feel it. I feel like we had the world at our fingertips, but we were either too stupid or too lazy to make our dreams reality. We stopped living for each other.

When we dropped me off at my apartment, he asked if I was going to cry. I told him I'd probably cry a little bit, and then I did. I prefer this somber ending to the day. I didn't expect to be knee-deep in a carefree activity, like playing video games or playing the ukulele, so a quiet ending to a stressful day is welcomed.

3-8-09

Grade papers
Enter grades online
Create lesson plans
Write text accompaniment to image transmediation for class
Read more of Bitter Fruit
Register for AATG and MCTE conferences in April
Hit the gym
Laundry
Color hair
Reorganize the Tupperware cupboard
Fix broken kitchen drawer
Fix broken handrail
Color hair
Update calendar (conferences, dress shopping with Maureen, etc.)
Practice music for band rehearsal
Clean the bathroom
Clean the living room
Put new sheets on the bed
Choose scenes for analysis (Romeo and Juliet - both 1997 and 1968 films)
Read more of Reeds in the Wind for presentation
Gather more of Jeremy's stuff
Scoop the litter box
Wash, dry, and put away dishes
Put shoes away
Play the ukulele
Take out the trash

A Crush on Writing, Bitter Fruit, A Short Blond Man Wearing Glasses, and Other Lamentations During a Grad School Night

From my MySpace blog...


Monday resonated strangely inside my head. The irony of 2009 continues but has now been joined by a mild mixture of hope and new ideas about life.


Early in my workday, I began talking with a former student. I think I revealed a little too much about my life to this person, and I realize that I've altered my perception of this child I once knew. She regularly seeks counsel with me, and we made our usual visit in the hallway, discussing both of our similar prospects for the upcoming weekend – we've both been asked to see movies by people we hesitate to call anything more than "friend," simply because we are both in vulnerable places. I find our mutual vulnerability makes us wary in ways we didn't expect when she and I made positive choices about our separate lives several weeks ago. Our mutual misery
has helped us to find deeper understanding of life's intricacies.


Monday brings with it a kind ritual. I teach all day. I work on school-related nonsense, and then I join several classmates for our weekly Dinner, Drinks, and Discussion meetings prior to class. Today I decided to skip the event after learning the Jason was also not in the mindset to attend. Instead, I found myself savoring a bagel while trying to catch up on some reading for class. I picked up my copy of Bitter Fruit to stay on track for my presentation in a couple of weeks. I experienced a very bitter aftertaste when reading of incestuous dealings and reading the overused "fuck" time and time again. I found the use more for shock value than for literary merit as it pertains to voice or characterization. I didn't need to read about forced acts of penetration -- my feelings on the matter have made it difficult to meet the text on a level playing field.


After finishing my bagel and talking with classmates (who, by the way, were also horrified that this text is on our list for the semester), I found my way to our new classroom. I was very pleased to see Jeff on the third floor of Pray-Harrold. Jeff and I have shared classes in the past, and it is always good to see him. We have our traditions -- always greeting with a boisterous "Hey!" rather than a friendly "Hello!" or "Hi!" It always makes me think of who we are with certain people. I realize that I am me again. Last year, we ended one of classes with our professor at The Tower Inn (my regular D3 meeting site). She treated us to drinks or dinner (I don't remember which). The air was warm enough for a light jacket but cool enough to keep people from lingering in the way that April breeds a certain clear, star-sprinkled sky and fresh air but leaves no room for the warmth that will keep one outside. As a small group, we walked back to our cars, all sprinkled in that same starry pattern. One-by-one, we dropped from the group like the children in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory until just Jeff and I were walking. As I reached my car, he continued on to the structure, even though I would have gladly driven him that last part. I remember thinking about how he would return to Ohio to work for the summer, and I was a little sad because I had finally made a new friend in grad school who was now embarking on his short trip home. It made me wish for the fall.

Running into Jeff made me feel happy. We've run into each other on campus before, but this time was different. I hoped that he will get to see me outside the context of a stagnant engagement and all that entails. He asked the same question that everyone asks -- "How are ya!?!" I responded with the same word I usually use -- "Great!" -- only this time, I actually felt great. He sort of studied my face for a moment and then continued talking. I imagine that he could finally see that "Great!" really did mean "Great!"


This short, blond man and I have discussed a variety of things -- literature, philosophy, and literary criticism -- but our mundane conversation made me much happier than those past ventures down Intellectual Lane. I think this is because I am out enjoying life, and this friend of two years was finally able to see it.


As I joined my class, students were already distributing their writing for their short mini-presentations. I tend to hate the busy nature of our group during this time, but I felt happy about seeing a friend, and my day has had a few odd points that made me feel like it is okay to be me. I feel a little weird -- alive and alert and awake in a way that makes me think things that just don't make sense. I revel in these tensions. As I began reading one student's paper tonight, I felt myself develop a crush on the writing -- NOT on the writer -- just on the writing itself. Each word conveyed profundity that I was not quite prepared to read. I felt moved yet comfortable. The sentences swirled around each other with words that articulated ideas beyond the scope of my logic at first. I read the one-page response over and
over again, feeling the words charge through my mind, take residence, and then leave. This left me wanting more.

Change

My life is undergoing some change. I am undergoing some change. I didn't like who I had become. I didn't like the way I was navigating the world. I was unhappy, and I couldn't stop beating up on myself and those closest to me.

I am certain that by changing some of the circumstances of my life, I am taking the right steps toward building a better foundation for myself.

My Life

My life is much more of a mess than I ever let on (and I probably reveal a lot already). When did it start to go in this direction? What happened to me? Why can't I seem to learn the lessons that present themselves to me time and time again? I see the lessons. I see what I am supposed to do, but I rebel against whatever force is trying to make me think and act a certain way.

I live in fear of many things.

Raw fingertips

I played both of my ukuleles today for over six hours. My fingertips are raw, but I have two new songs. I need to record myself. If Jeremy and I had actually decided on a camera for Christmas, I could have posted them tonight.

And then everyone could be subject to my awful singing voice. Jeremy wouldn't be the only with assailed ears!

Poems in a drawer

I wrote two new lyric poems today. I don't know yet if they will amount to songs, but it still felt good to do some writing. This vacation has been slow-going, but there have been many things to inspire me.

Both poems are really rough, and I don't feel like sharing them tonight. I have tucked them away in a drawer with ink cartridges and a stapler.

I went shopping tonight. I bought several sweaters and a light jacket. Now, I just need to work up the motivation to exercise. Then, I will know I have completed all of the tasks I set for myself today.


Autumn's birthday yesterday was decent. We went to Logan's and then came back to my place for dessert. It's been a while since I had guests over. Jeremy tends to have his buddies over, and I always feel ashamed that the house is not in order. Luckily, Jeremy helped me clean and straighten up the house yesterday afternoon. It was good that I didn't have to feel like I was being judged by my mother.

Stringed Instrument Indecision 2008

So, my parents gave me cash for Christmas. That was never the practice before. They told me to buy something for myself. I am torn between two items - a baritone ukulele and a violin. I cannot make up my mind, and sales are almost over. I don't know if I should just order both.

What do you think?

Fifteen

Who was I at fifteen?

The Talk

No, it's not a parent-child sex talk story, although I do have a 100-word story with that specific situation (from 2000 or 2001) that I might consider posting at some point.

Jeremy and I had a lengthy discussion tonight about, well, almost everything in our relationship, from our laziness about chores to a spiritual connection. He didn't shy away from talking about our feelings, although his body language told me that he felt uncomfortable. He turned slightly away from me, which I commented on. He made the effort to face me and really forced himself to maintain eye contact.

I usually don't get to have full conversations about that stuff with him. I'm hoping that this will mark a new direction for us. Relationships don't run themselves; they are work. It is necessary for the couple to sit down every so often inform the other about their concerns in a calm, rational manner. We haven't had one of our discussions in some time, and it was great to voice some things that have been causing me to lose sight of what's important. He shared his perspective on some of these things, too, which made me think things, like "God, I miss this!" Thoughts like that tell me that we used to do this a lot more and, at some point, we stopped. I don't like that we have grown too comfortable in our roles. It's time to shake things up a bit, I think.

(very) rough draft

So, I decided to share something that's been rolling around in my head today. It's rough, to say the least, and I don't know if I should be sharing it just yet, but I am taking a small leap of faith here. Be kind; this is just the beginning stage of my (writing) process.

I don't have the chords just yet, but I do have a progression in mind (What key does 'Hey There, Delilah' start in? D Major? That's the key I hear in my head.). It would sound so much better on a baritone uke than my tenor uke. Perhaps I will be making my collection well-rounded (soprano, tenor, and baritone) this coming year.

...

A Dream of the Earth


I'm only worth the words
dripping from my mouth
My tired soul bound to the ground


Walking and twisting away
Frightened by the end of my search
to discover I am the dream of the Earth.


Shadows slinking down
to the empty places
where we used to be


So, leaving today
Looking down to the places
that we leave behind


Drifting through the memories
of when I was her -
just a small dream of the Earth.


Fluttering on the wind
of ideas gone awry
always a sad, old lie


Bravely marching forward
to every new scene
wondering what sad thoughts really mean


And I'm walking again
In streams of rain
That wash away the dream of the Earth

Writing

Joe pointed out that I seem to dwell on one specific issue on my MySpace blog. I won't say that I don't write about it a lot - it is something that I have been struggling to understand for some time. I jumped the gun a little by suggesting to a few very close friends what I thought the underlying issue was, but it doesn't feel like that is truly the root. I explained the closest I could to what I was feeling - I didn't have another word for it. It's not quite that, but it is at the same time. It's like my emotions are tangled, and there is no way to see what they are outside of the intricate knot that exists, so I grasp at concepts that aren't always accurate. I know I post a lot there, but sometimes, I don't share my other writings. I set a number of them as "private." I mean, even that post was only able to be viewed by the short list of people on my preferred list.

I wish I was brave enough to share ALL of my writing. I have two blogs that I update fairly regularly. I sometimes write in a journal. I also write lists, songs, poetry, short stories, short plays (that could be performed in about 10 minutes), letters, self-reflective pieces, academic papers, plans for my life, and so on.

If I were to share all of these writings, my friends would see that on a daily basis, I don't really dwell on any one thing more than another. I think that I am just uncomfortable breaking away from sharing what they already know about me. It's okay for me to share emotions because we've all felt those, but sharing what is a true creation of mine is totally different. I feel self-conscious and scared that my fiction isn't profound enough or that my plays don't embody the essence of humanity.

My songs seem to focus on either deep emotion or they are goofy and overtly sexual, the latter of which not being something I have ever felt comfortable sharing with an audience. My upbringing in a house that did not acknowledge and discuss that part of human existence makes me feel bashful when the topic comes up. I know my lyrics are a way of making light of my own insecurities and embarrassment over such issues, but to share them would make me feel ashamed.

How do I get myself to feel comfortable sharing all of my writing? How do I move beyond the worry that my friends might laugh at something that I couldn't bear to know is terrible? I used to share my writing with a small group of writers, and that was okay. Perhaps I need to give Eric a call and locate Gwen and Scot to start that back up.


And, on a related note, I write so much because, at any given moment, I have at least five different things going on in my head. There is always a running list of tasks that need to be completed (sort of like the ticker at the bottom of CNN or FOXNews), usually two or three daydreams going on simultaneously (and they stay separate in my mind, even if they completely contradict each other), my inner voice that is commenting on the scenarios and how they relate to my life, and another voice that says why I shouldn't share certain thoughts or why I need to worry about something. I consider the last one to be the editor or the filter, and it tends to have the most control. Is there a way to stop this? When I used to do yoga (or if I'd had a couple glasses of wine), I could cut it down to maybe three things, but never could I just have one. It would be so wonderful to give my mind a break. It's always racing, especially in the middle of the night.

I've shared some of the thoughts with Jeremy on occasion - he was overwhelmed with just the different ideas going through my mind in a short two-minute interval. He tells me he doesn't know how I do it. I asked what he meant, in one instance, and he said that with all the ideas going on, he had no idea how I could function like a normal person. A "normal" person. I know he wasn't trying to call me strange or make me feel upset, but I tend to feel like other people's words are cryptic, and therefore, need analysis. I don't think I am abnormal. Am I?

Feeling of Ick

I feel down. It's not for any particular reason, though. Something just feels off today. I had planned to get a lot of housecleaning done. It didn't happen. I planned to work on curriculum. I will admit I did that. I failed to grade student work. I found out I earned a 4.0 this semester in grad school, which is great.

I think I just needed time for me. I spent a lot of time upstairs here on the computer, but Jeremy is downstairs on his laptop, and it just seems like I have no time on my own. I rarely want this time. I prefer to be around others most of the time.

I miss certain friends. I keep trying to make plans with Maureen, Melissa, and Becky, but things fall through. At least one of us is usually sick at any given moment. Mike is not a part of my social life anymore, and I definitely feel the loss. I'm sure Jeremy is happy to have me all to himself, but I am snippy and not the best company possible today.

I am considering cleaning out the spare room. The truth is that I've been avoiding it for some time, and I think I have a lot of stuff I've needed for months hanging out in the closet. I've just been too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed, or too distracted to get to it. I think this is my chance. Maybe afterward I will get outside and go for a walk in this cold weather. Sure my cough will get worse, but the fresh air will do me good.

Another Snow Day

I received my snow day call earlier that usual. My district often calls them quite late. I decided to go back to sleep, as I spent most of the night coughing. I don't feel awful, and I'd really like to fly somewhere this weekend, but I feel like I'd be putting other people through hell thinking that they are going to catch this cold.

I don't know why I keep getting sick. Over the past four months, I have spent much of my time recovering. I believe my immune system is compromised simply because of where I work. The building is old, the ventilation system is non-existent, and there is so much mold and asbestos that it weakens me on a daily basis.

I also haven't been as active as I'd like. My weariness (and my constant sneezing and coughing) has kept me away from the gym. That does factor in, I suppose.


I think I will start my day today by scrubbing the kitchen. I don't think we are going to find a flight to Frankfurt with seats available today. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a seat or two. Then all I have to do is find a place for us to stay while we are there - which will NOT be easy. Nuremberg is sort of the "official" center of German Christmas festivities. That's why we want to go there right now.

9:00 on a Saturday

I don't remember the last time I saw 9:00 AM on a Saturday. I woke before 7:00 today, having slept from 9:00 PM last night. I couldn't believe it. I did dishes and cleaned some of the bathroom. I booted up the computer and looked over several items to make a short Christmas list. The only thing I need is a winter coat (and Jeremy was with me while I picked one out at Dick's Sporting Goods last night). It's more expensive than the limit we had set for ourselves, as North Face products can be pricey, but we decided to tweak the numbers this year. I really need a coat (I've been simply wearing three or four layers of clothes under one of Jeremy's old thinly-lined coats), and the one I tried on is perfect. I don't need anything else, and I can't bear to ask anyone for anything that I wouldn't probably get for myself, anyway. Christmas will be incredibly small this year - everyone is struggling financially, whether it is due to job loss or governmental dipping into already-established retirement funds (which I find horrifically disturbing - taking money from those who did prepare for their futures to give to people who didn't and to help business recover profit loss).

I might ask my parents for a Gorillapod for my camera this year. I don't really need a major tripod, as I don't really have a nice digital camera just yet. I have a decent one that I will continue to use for a while before upgrading (probably next year). I also might ask for a violin. I found a great deal on one online. My parents ordered my tenor ukulele from the same company last year, as well as a bunch of percussion instruments. I just feel strange, though, asking for something that is not necessary. I was just wishing last year for a tenor uke, and I could not believe that my parents got me one. They raised me to be overly practical, so splurging on something like that for me is outrageous.

I ended up not having percussion rehearsal last night, so I looked over my project notes. I have so much work ahead of me. I need to plan better next semester. There is just too much to accomplish before Monday.

Jeremy is on duty for breakfast today, as I did dishes and gathered dirty clothes this morning. He also has to run errands, even though I cautioned him to hurry. He also has homework to do. I can't stand when life gets in the way of formal education.

Restless

I can't sleep. I haven't really tried to sleep, but I think it will be difficult. I slept for an hour or two in my living, both on the floor and on the couch, as well as a little on both at the same time.

My mind is racing, as it usually does at this hour. I need to set a wedding date already. I don't understand why I am making such a big deal about this. I need to get back on the fitness thing. I've just been so sleepy lately with reduced sunlight. I never experienced such a strong shift before. It's so strange. Perhaps I should get one of those light boxes. I need to get my place organized, but I like cleaning in the middle of the night. Neighbors don't like to hear vacuum cleaners then. I should be writing the stories and songs that are always on my mind. I need to get a few household items to organize my home better. I need to do laundry. I am praying for a snow day, but I don't really need one. I just want to sleep in on a school day, but I refuse to call in sick or take a personal day. I have a concert this weekend (tickets are $12.00 each, which I find to be way too expensive!). I don't know if I will be going to my ukulele meeting this month. I have no reason not to...I just think I will veg out too much, and I will become lazy. I have a lot of copies to make tomorrow morning, so I had better get to school early. My students are lazy, so they probably won't do the work, anyway. I have an exam to finish formatting. I feel like leaving my profession in search of something different (preferably a field that doesn't focus on kids), even though I like what I do for a living. I should move somewhere else in the world. Jeremy no longer wants to move to Germany. I was working on getting my stuff together, but he now wants to stay here. He needs to stop doing this. I started thinking that maybe I should have taken either the English job in Palm Springs or the German job in Anchorage last year. Then I figure that I've already moved away to establish myself in the adult world. I came home. That should be fine, right? I miss certain friends, but the sentiment is fading. I have so much more me time, which probably makes me sound self-important. I keep thinking about words I've never used before. I don't know how I would go about incorporating these words (like 'pugnacious') into everyday conversation without sounding condescending. Then I worry that my (over)use of those sparsely-used words might make me come across as trite. Suggestions?

I sound crazy tonight. I think I might try to get some sleep, even though I am not tired. If sleep doesn't come knocking at my door, I suppose I can just stare at the wall or ceiling. I joked earlier that I should have made a pot of coffee to knock my ass out. I am starting to think that that would be a great idea (caffeine does make me extremely tired). I really should get a doctor's opinion on that situation.

When Harry Met Sally

I was thinking about this movie a lot today. I also thought about the conversations Beck and I had in college regarding some of the themes within it.

Over

I feel like I am moving beyond it. Really.

I'm shocked, too, folks.

I feel dysfunctional now that I really have no solid dysfunction.

That's as open as I feel like being tonight.

Mystery

Is it fair for me to miss the mystery that disappears when two people live together?

Good Day / Bad Day

Today felt like a bad day. The weirdest part is that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the day. I enjoyed myself here and there with reading and talking and writing. It was a rather full day, to say the least.

I didn't sleep last night, not one wink. I stared at the ceiling mostly, then at my various alarm clocks, then at the ceiling again. I was really bummed when one alarm sounded. I thought to myself that it would be great to try to get some sleep then. I reset the alarm and just continued to stare - this time at the wall next to the bed. I feel congested, but I am in good spirits.

When the alarm sounded again, I hopped up to do some laundry and get ready for the day.

I arrived at work early and proceeded to wait in line to make copies. When the machine was running, I quickly ventured off to print an attendance form and return (I was away for approximately one minute). I found another teacher had stopped the copier and had decided to start using it. His wife, (another teacher who really used to be a close friend) basically told me that I can't "take up" the copier when other people need it (there are two others in the same room that weren't being used). I was so irritated with this comment. I explained that I had stepped away from it simply because the copies were running and I needed to get something, much like she had done the week prior (and, for the record, I did not stop her copies!). I can't believe what rude, self-important people I work with.

Number one, I had been waiting in line since 6:20 AM. It was 7:00. She and her husband should have shown up early and waited like the rest of us.

Number two, I was using the machine for papers I needed first hour. I wasn't "taking up" a copier.

My students weren't working to their fullest capability today, either, except for my general English kids. I was shocked. They were polite and helpful and focused. Did Hell freeze over last night or something? What did I miss?

I worked on typing an exam for the end of the semester. I also typed up some items for my grad class. Class went by quickly. I like that our class has a distinct community feel to it. We have our routines and we all seem to get along. Jason and I walk back our cars (in the poorly-lit faraway lot), talking about our classrooms, and sometimes our mutual friends (Eve, namely).

I came home and still didn't want dinner. I know I need to eat something, but it feels way too late to eat. I have only a few papers to grade, but I feel like curling up and reading Dante's Inferno (again). It must be because my students are still reading The Odyssey. I prefer The Inferno. I think it tells a much more intellectual tale of one man's journey.

Anyway, I think I might go read for a while now. I am considering getting a bunch of Young Adult novels to read soon. I used to have a small collection when I taught in Florida, but I left most of those books there. I wish I would have at least brought Cut with me. I never got to read all of the books in my collection, but students asked for them, and I felt that the books would serve a greater purpose in their hands.

How can I still feel like today is a bad day? Nothing bad happened.

Well, I take that back. I wouldn't say something "bad" happened, but I missed my friend. I thought about him a lot today. I feel so far from where we were and who we were when we stopped speaking. I don't know what the deal is with me. I'm not feeling depressed about the situation; on the contrary, I am feeling that missing him is positive. We need to be going our separate directions at this point in our lives. There must just have been something in the air that made me think of him.

Am I mourning the loss of November? November was quite good, full of old and new memories and old and new friends. This fall has been a great one. I can't remember the last time I felt so connected to people and events. It has been a non-stop fun fest. Maybe I'm afraid December won't follow suit...December is a different beast entirely.

Scattered

I have spent a lot of time lately with a variety of friends. While it is good to reconnect with people, I find that I have neglected my home for far too long. I arrived home quite late last night. I didn't expect to have a good time at my reunion, but things went really well. Some of the people I didn't necessarily hang out with a lot were great company. We talked. We danced. We bought one another rounds of drinks.

I had forgotten how well I got along with Erin and Tara. It was strange to see the reactions early in the evening from their friends in high school. I was irritated, at first, until I realized that they were just sizing up the situation and the people, much like I was. The dirty looks went away quickly, and we were all able to communicate like we've never been able to before. I think that sort of happens when alcohol is involved.

Natalie was really friendly. We'd never had issues before, but it was really nice to sit down and talk about her wedding. Candice has a store in Livonia. Jay has a business with his dad. Tiana is just as spunky as always. Lisa and Angela showed up in their letter jackets. I can't believe I didn't expect that from those two goofballs. Brandon danced a lot with Vera's sister, and Vera turned into the protective older sister. It was funny. Tara and Erin dragged me around for a while and bought me a shot. I, of course, returned the favor.

Later on, Jay and I talked. I'm probably going to drag him to some of my ukulele things, seeing as he now has a uke of his own. He doesn't yet know how to play it, but that comes with time and practice. I kept taking his Scotch. Jay and I always got along, and it was nice to pick up where we left off. Kerry and Dave will most likely be moving away from our complex this spring. The band students clumped together, for the most part, and I visited for a short while. Then, I kind of got bored. I've seen them every couple of years with all of the weddings. I saw Kempa. I'm not sure why it surprised me that he was there. Justin and I talked a lot. He seems to be adjusting well to his new place. He won't be needing my furniture, dishes, and appliances, after all, so now I can offer them to others. Julie didn't really know who I was and asked if I am Alicia. I was a little hurt by this simply because we used to be so close, but I can understand that life has taken us far away from each other and it is easy to forget people. I tend to not forget people (or gifts they've given me, things they've said, etc.), but I understand that other people don't operate this way.

Anyway, back to my original post here (see? I am quite scattered). I've been cleaning all day. It is getting better, but there is still so much to do. There is one more round of dishes to do (I have a tiny dishwasher). I have a kitchen to clean, as well. I rearranged my living room. I don't know if I like it, but it will help to keep the cold out. I can always move things another way that will leave it open and inviting. I have gathered almost ten bags of trash from my compulsive cleaning. I didn't get a lot done last night after drinking, so I felt it necessary to clean today.

Laundry will be done tomorrow. I also have to create all of my documents for work, create my first draft of my presentation for class tomorrow, type up the rest of the English 9 semester exam, and I need to find time to do chores. The ukulele site needs a little maintenance with links, so I volunteered to do that. Wedding plans need to be set. Christmas cards and letters need to be written. Music must be practiced for my concert.

I also need to make a Christmas list. It's difficult because I like practical gifts, and there is nothing I truly need. If someone could give me time, I'd be happy, but that is just not a possibility.

My emotions are off the charts lately. I attribute a lot of my confusion and malaise to too much interaction with others. Down-time just hasn't been available. I suppose that is why I am spending the night in tonight. James had sent me a message about the Corner Brewery, but it's necessary for me to collect my thoughts and feelings. Other friends seem to be going through this, as well.

I need to train myself to be comfortable with moderation. Too much of any good thing can actually turn out to be a bad thing. I see it in several areas of my life.

Long Talks

I tried to explain to Jeremy the things I've learned about myself over the last few months. He seemed to catch a glimpse of all of the emotional stuff that has been looming over me.

He commented that it has taken three, possibly four, people to replace Mike in my life. I started to argue with him, but I realized he is right. I am opening up more to Jeremy, which is bringing us closer together (which is the point when you are planning to marry someone, right?). Joe and I have been hanging out more. We meet for drinks and talk about life while listening to music. Carrie has been around a lot lately. We are getting in good discussion time that helps to sort out all of life's crazy situations and emotions. Jessy has been playing his guitar and singing for me after school while I am grading papers...

...and Jeremy couldn't be happier. He admitted today that he has never been able to put up with Mike. He always felt like Mike got in the way. I agree. Mike has always been one to interrupt the flow of my relationship with Jeremy, but we've never been able to sit down and discuss that before.

I still miss hanging out with Mike, but I realize that he served in a capacity that made me incredibly dependent upon him. That is simply unhealthy, although many might argue another side to the situation.

Little Bits

I find telling some my truths / secrets very therapeutic. The problem is that I can only let them out in little bits at a time, or else I feel overwhelmed by emotion and I either shut down or flip out.

Jessy, Joe, and Carrie have been great listeners lately. I don't know what I would do without them. Maureen is usually someone I can talk to, but I know she is busy with work and grad school (and a live-in boyfriend...two cats...etc.). Melissa is always busy. She doesn't stay still at all. Jessy sat in my classroom and played the guitar and sang for me while I graded papers on Friday. It was awfully sweet of him.

The truths I have are nothing that I can do anything about, which is sad. I just need to find some other way of dealing with them. I have ideas, but they never seem to work out well.

About Me

I reworked the "About Me" portion of my MySpace profile page. It felt good to step outside of myself and write in a different perspective. I'm supposed to be writing an exam eight now, but I find myself more interested in working on the some of the issues I am dealing with on a personal level.

I met Joe at Fifth Avenue on Friday. I was depressed, and he tried to cheer me up. It mostly worked, but I was irritable and I didn't take his help as well as I could have. Sorry about that, Joe. I know you were trying to help. I had just reached bitch mode, which is difficult to return from. Joe left relatively early, and I felt bad because he actually helped to put me in a better mood, which he missed. I wouldn't say that I was in a great mood, but I was much better.

Tony was there. We talked over drinks. I haven't had a chance to sit down with him in years, so it felt a little weird. I didn't know what to talk about. I didn't really know enough about him and his life to know what to ask. He mentioned that he was going back to school, so we started there. I had never before realized why he spent so many years working where he does. I guess when your parent really needs your help financially, you make sacrifices in regard to your education and life to keep the family house (and to keep the family intact). I would make the same sacrifices for my parents after all of the sacrifices they've made for me, that is, if they found themselves in a similar situation. Tony made me laugh, which I needed, but I felt bad for laughing about his former girlfriend and her racism that he didn't notice until after several years with her. How does one not notice their partner is a racist? I kept thinking of Stephen Lynch's comedy (the Nazi girlfriend song). We both walked away saying it was nice to catch up.

quiet and sad

I feel quiet and sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

Welcome, November!

I slept in today! I haven't been able to sleep in for weeks, and sleeping at all has been spotty lately. My mind is always going, and I have far too many responsibilities for my pay grade.

I had several very vivid dreams last night, a couple of which I cannot stop thinking about. They were quite disturbing and I am curious what is causing them.

I noticed today on MySpace that I was one friend shy of the set I had before. After a little digging, I realized that Mike had cut me from his music page listing. He removed me from his Facebook list roughly a week ago. I'm kind of curious why it took him so long to cut me from the other (and he hasn't cut any of MY friends - but if you want to cut him loose from yours because he has his head up his ass, please feel free - not that I expect you to or that I really want you to...that would just be resorting to his methods). Jeremy thinks it is a ploy to get some sort of a reaction out of me. I suppose it is getting a reaction - I am writing about it, aren't I? Jeremy thinks Mike wants me to try to contact him - I don't have a single reason to do that. I don't resort to childish, whiny responses to already childish tactics. I don't have the patience or time for them. I actually find it funny that he is trying to remove me from his life like he would any girlfriend he's decided he doesn't want to see any more. I can only shake my head and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

I cleaned a few things today. I was pretty proud of myself. I never have time for anything domestic lately. I still need to shower and get ready for my performance tonight. I just couldn't see the logic in showering, then scrubbing floors and bathroom fixtures, then showering again. I am all grimy, but that goes with the territory, right?

I talked to Melissa yesterday. I thought she was avoiding me, but she called in the afternoon, and we caught up. We've both been so busy with teaching that time has disappeared. We plan to get together soon and celebrate our (belated) birthdays. I haven't even seen Maureen to celebrate her September birthday. This school year is definitely kicking my butt, but I feel good about all the positive things I am doing.

All of my laundry is done for the week, and I vacuumed the stairs. I have gathered several items for Justin, should he call to arrange a time to pick up the furniture, dishes, iron, and other items that I've set aside for him. I need to grade papers and practice my music for band tonight.

I think it is going to be a good month. I may go to my ten-year reunion or I will be hitting Germany (probably Cologne or Dusseldorf) for a few days around Thanksgiving. I would like to not travel alone, but if that's all I can get, I will take it. I just have to check the flights.

Jeremy and I discussed wedding plans today. We haven't officially set a date, but we have a few in mind. We want to get things set before telling people. Also, it will a TINY wedding, perhaps with immediate family and grandparents only. Melissa and Maureen are like family, and I would feel terrible if they weren't there. I have to work on what I want here. I told my (very simple and very classy) idea to Melissa, and she thought it would be perfect for me. I have a good place for this plan. The pictures would be beautiful, and it is centrally located. I hope I can make this happen!

Halloween

Halloween was tame this year. Students dressed up, but there was nothing really exciting going on at work. I came home, did a few chores, and then dozed on the couch. I have been quite sleepy lately. Jeremy came home from training and we ordered pizza. We didn't pass out candy. I didn't dress up in a costume.

Something just doesn't feel right, you know?

I will probably be going to a friend's party in Canton tomorrow after my performance. The goal is to get everyone drunk. I don't know that I will join in. I am such a party-pooper lately.

Class Tonight & Fatigue

I don't have my homework done for class tonight. I emailed my professor and asked for an extension, which she granted. I've had some technology problems lately, and my professor is really understanding.

It's my night to bring snacks to class. If I weren't bringing something I would simply call and say that I am ill. I am exhausted beyond belief right now. I still have a test, two handouts, and other stuff to create for tomorrow. I can't seem to get caught up. And I need to leave for class in about thirty minutes.

Tomorrow will not offer me any chance to sleep, unfortunately. I will be going to celebrate Mark's birthday with Jeremy after work. I need time. I need sleep. Maybe I am suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I just want to curl up with my cats and rest, but I know it wouldn't do any good. I'd wake feeling worse off than I feel now.

KazooKeylele!

Thank you, Joe, for finding this and sharing it with me!

RAW

I started writing a small scene that I hope works into a larger script I've been working on. I was listening to music on MySpace today (a typical Saturday routine), and one particular song struck me. I added it to my list and listened to its hauntingly sad words over and over until the scene became crystal clear in my mind.

I emoted. I allowed myself to become the person I saw in that scene. And then I wrote. My process is not unusual, but it strikes me each time that I must appear remarkably unstable on a daily basis. I sob at the losses that only occur within my mind. I respond to silent questions and watch the lifts in my face in the bathroom mirror as I am presented with true happiness and ultimate humor. I suffer the manipulations of those who do not exist, and I relive malleable painful moments that are no longer a concern or beyond my own understanding.

I also hear a soundtrack to all of these fictitious moments of my life. Sometimes the music leads the images. As I work with this script/story, I may share pieces. Just not now. It feels heavy and dark and raw. Part of me thinks it is better that way.

Friendships and Birthdays

I tend to put deeper posts here, although lately, I've been quite the blogger on MySpace. I turned 28 on Wednesday. Jeremy gave me running shoes and a DVD, and then he took me out to dinner. All-in-all, it was a nice birthday. It wasn't the best, but it definitely wasn't the worst. Since my 22nd, they had been getting progressively worse until last year. Mike and I walked around Ann Arbor in the rain, which is absolutely wonderful! This year, I was ill, but it was still a good day. Jeremy made sure that there were special treats in the fridge (chocolate with hazelnuts...mmm...and frosted cookies) and he took me where I wanted to go for dinner.

My immune system hasn't been up to par in the past month, and my birthday turned out to be the turning point in a cold that has been bothering me. With the mold content in the building where I teach, it's amazing that my body hasn't completely fallen to pieces. I was nearly over the cold, and then WHAM! - I lost my voice. I was fatigued and had started coughing those hearty, painful coughs that we all dread.

I continued to work, which forced my students to take on more responsibility. They were fine with that (I teach mostly honor students this year).

At home, I haven't been able to focus on grading or planning or homework. Chances are that I have been asleep whenever that time would have been available. Take today, for example. I worked, visited the Tailgate party right after work for Homecoming, then drove home and crashed until about midnight. I vaguely remember saying (wheezing, coughing, and whispering) bye to Jeremy before he left for work. I am unable to speak, although my coughing has subsided, for the most part. I expect to recover in the next two or three days. I woke up tonight thinking it was tomorrow and was quite surprised to see that it was dark outside. I felt cold, which is good, since the heat is not on, and I've been running a fever for a couple of days.

Mike sent me a message on my birthday. I was surprised to receive it, as we haven't spoken since August. I cried when I read it, but that was just a reaction to missing our friendship. He had been such a close friend for so long that I think I relied on him too much for support in all the woes of my life. He sent the message late at night, probably hoping that I'd find it the next day. He didn't directly say that he misses our friendship, but he told a short story that clearly implied it. That's just how we have always been - we tell stories that reveal so much more than we ever admit to thinking or feeling. Such is the nature of writers / musicians / English teachers. I know if the situation were reversed, I would have done the same thing. That is why we are such close friends. We are wired very much the same way, and I think he just knew that if he didn't contact me on my birthday, I would have written him off entirely. There are only a few times in a year when one can let go of whatever the issues are to simply wish someone else well.

I've been much more open with my emotions, so I thanked him for wishing me well. I also told him that I started to cry - not because he said anything upsetting or too sentimental but because I miss talking to him. I think Jeremy was a little upset that I had started to tear up. He doesn't have friendships as close as this - the closest he had was Ryan. And Ryan died last year, which is another reason I think Jeremy prefers "surface" friendships. He was not able to attend the funeral. He still has not gone to see Ryan's parents. Seeing them would make the loss real.


I've been spending more time with old friends. Joe and I have been hanging out more. It's great that we still have that connection we used to have. He opened up about some of his issues lately, which really speaks to how far we've come after all these years. I hate that things are not going the way he wants them to. I hate that there is nothing that can be done.

MK sent me a message to let me know he is out of prison again. While it is good that he is trying to start his life again, I really don't think that I want him around me. I understand he has "paid his debt", so to speak, but I don't want a moment of weakness in his life to turn into a lawsuit or anything for me. He has a huge laundry list of crimes that could easily be added to if his life doesn't go the way he wants.

Tim wants to chat with me about what's going on in his life, but I don't know that I am the best person to give advice. He flaked out the past couple of times, so I don't really want to make myself available now. I have a life, too, and I can't just sit around and deal with his problems. I have my own, despite my cheery disposition these last couple of months.

Out of My Way

I am wondering a lot about marriage. I listen to my friends, colleagues, and my family. I haven't heard many positives lately. That doesn't give me a lot of hope.

On the other side of the coin, Jeremy and I are doing very well. We discuss issues calmly and maturely, and we are going out and having fun with each other. That has been spotty over the past several years. And I think that it is mostly my fault. I won't say that he has been a saint and I've been a devil, but I've been relying on friends too much to help solve my relationship problems when I should have been speaking directly to Jeremy. There may have been a few people who "got in the way" from time to time, even though they had said that they didn't want to get in the way. I think now that those are famous last words.

I slept really well last night, and I was able to sleep late today. I rarely get enough sleep, and having a few alcoholic beverages last night calmed me. I wasn't drunk, but I was able to relax. I had many vivid dreams. I woke up a couple of times, including when Jeremy came home and when I had to turn off the alarm I forgot to reset last night.

I woke this morning thinking of poetry and songs. It was a great way to wake up.

Gray Michigan Days

I love gray Michigan days. I'm not sure what about them inspires me, but something is in the air. They remind me of times in which I stared at the world outside my bedroom window (in the old house), and that makes me think about the wonder I felt about the world.

I slept in later than I had expected, which is disappointing. I had planned to scrub my bathroom at seven or so, then go to rehearsal, then return home and work on my grad homework before the orchestra concert tonight (that I'd rather not be a part of today). I want to meet some friends tonight after the concert. I'm not sure where to go. I always want to go to Ann Arbor, but that seems a little far when most of the people I'd like to meet live east of where I live. Perhaps I should suggest Novi or something. Bar Louie is nice, but there isn't dancing.

I enjoyed my beer last night. I very rarely drink beer at home. It seems to be a beverage that I only truly enjoy when out with friends. It was glorious, though. Although some will disagree, I know that Weihenstephaner Hefe Weissbier is the absolute pinnacle of (wheat) beers. The Weihenstephan brewery has been brewing beer since 1040, and they consistently win awards. Next time I go to Bavaria, I will have to visit Freising so that I can tour the brewery and, perhaps, attend a beer tasting event.

Recovery

I feel like I am recovering from more than just a nasal infection. I attend my grad class tonight. I am really psyched about the semester. I also spoke to the director of the program - I just may be allowed to take some of the other courses during different terms just to finish in a timely fashion! I am so thrilled. I am already halfway done with the program. I had forgotten how much I enjoy being a part of a class. I even joined the list to bring in snacks on a certain night. I tend to shy away from stuff like this, but it felt so good to belong and I've already decided that I will get the big pack of Panera Bread bagels. I might also bring drink boxes. I am a nerd, yes. I just want to get into this. The community is already building. I've needed this!

Still no date set yet. Today, another teacher joked with me (at least I hope it was a joke) that I should just go preggo and get this thing done with. Yeah...um...that's just not going to happen. I need to just pick a date and tell Jeremy to be there.