All those pieces of myself that either I or J chipped away (through intentional or unintentional means) are starting to return.
I am writing every day now, even if it is only a short piece here and there. I play the ukulele daily. I think about poetry and storytelling and all the things I want to do to help others embrace what it means to be a creative person.
I am feeling ambitious and driven again. I rarely feel like sitting on the sidelines.
I feel political and have enjoyed a few rallies over the past several months.
I am working on a few home improvement projects that my uncle is still not aware of. That's fine, though, because I am improving this run-down place.
I am communicating my feelings instead of letting them control me and lead me to food.
I have taken it upon myself to visit several doctors. I still have more who I need to see, but I am doing much better.
I am making new friends.
I am moving on from old friends and old irritations.
I am trying to come up with a plan to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
I am learning more about myself and how I deal with men.
---------------------------------------------------------
I called C today to let him know that his phone dialed me last night. It happens frequently when his phone is in his pocket. We joke and say either his ass misses me or his pocket called. We had a short conversation while he walked around a store. He seems to understand how my routine will drastically change and how I've been trying to prepare for it. We'll probably return to the 4 a.m. phone calls like I used to receive last year when he was just trying to keep in touch.
I still consider it a little weird to be in a flirtatious situation with him. We didn't always get along. In fact, I was convinced that he hated me when we were younger. High school didn't really create a strong bond between us, either. I suppose it was going our separate ways and reconnecting through a mutual friend that made us realize that we both probably missed out on a good friend in the past. He has turned out to be that, many times over. As far as something more, who knows? Time will tell.
We're not even comfortable telling our mutual friends that something is kind of going on, mainly because we don't want input from others. It feels like sneaking around, but it also feels like something that is specifically ours if we want it. There is one mutual friend who knows, though, but she is one of the most supportive people I have ever known. She listens without judgment. I'm not sure if C is aware that she knows just about everything there is to know on the subject, but I am aware that he has mentioned something to her, as well. If things work out, then I'm certain I will share that. If not, I don't have to deal with people speculating on the whole thing. No one else really needs to know.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Saga Continues
I still see J from time to time. As he gets his weight and life under control again, I see more and more of the person he used to be. He speaks to me the way he used to. He works toward goals he seemed to have forgotten. He makes jokes and lives life to the fullest. I was hoping he'd make a return visit a long time ago, but life and circumstances get in the way. Who knows what I am supposed to do with the knowledge of his return!?!
A is getting set for some new directions in his life, which means change. He quit smoking in the spring/early summer. He's doing great with that. He seems to have adjusted without any major issue, which seems absolutely crazy because he's been a smoker for over fifteen years. He's attending college for the first time this fall, which I think scares and excites him. We hang out from time to time, but it's always stilted and tense until we are alone. We fight the attraction for a while, and then it's there, overpowering both of us. We kiss and then start a frustrating round of explaining our way out of the situation.
The most recent addition to this mess I created will be referred to as C. He and I haven't seen much of each other this summer. It started out strong. It started out with lots of excitement, but I think he was hoping that I would let sex be an option in a casual dating scenario. I thought he knew me better than that. Or perhaps he though he could be the one to change me. I can't be certain. We've had several rounds of tense arguments, not speaking for several days here and there. This week, he told me he met someone who he wanted to date. I thought he had called things off with me. I was hurt, but it was fine. Then he called me the following night get together. We still aren't being clear with each other. I don't know what to make of this situation that we are both irritated by but won't leave alone. We could go back to being friends. That would be fine, but it doesn't seem to be shifting back the way I thought it would. At this point, C is all you get. It is not in reference to his name, although one of you out there knows all about this C.
An old friend has been asking me a lot about my Saturday nights. Since the spring, he has asked for eight different nights. It didn't dawn on me that this could be a pseudo-romantic thing. I wasn't able to go because of my schedule, but now I just want to avoid the whole thing. I do not see him that way, and although he has not expressed any clear and direct interest in dating, the warning signs are there.
A new friend and I have been getting to know each other. M doesn't have a lot of friends in the area, and I've recently lost a couple of friends, so it's a nice fit. I'm hoping to actually start hanging out with him soon. We've talked to each other as part of a larger group, but it would be nice to not have to yell over performing bands. If, over time, I find that I like him, then great. If I only see him as a friend, then great. I am open to possibility, but mostly, I want friends. I need friends.
S asked me out a month ago, and I turned him down. I haven't spoke with him since that happened. I just want to avoid the situation repeating itself.
N hasn't returned my call from last week. When I turned him down in June, he didn't take it too well. I gave him space, but he we haven't yet talked on the phone. I wanted to give him time to deal with the rejection so that we can be friends again. I just want to talk to my friend.
A is getting set for some new directions in his life, which means change. He quit smoking in the spring/early summer. He's doing great with that. He seems to have adjusted without any major issue, which seems absolutely crazy because he's been a smoker for over fifteen years. He's attending college for the first time this fall, which I think scares and excites him. We hang out from time to time, but it's always stilted and tense until we are alone. We fight the attraction for a while, and then it's there, overpowering both of us. We kiss and then start a frustrating round of explaining our way out of the situation.
The most recent addition to this mess I created will be referred to as C. He and I haven't seen much of each other this summer. It started out strong. It started out with lots of excitement, but I think he was hoping that I would let sex be an option in a casual dating scenario. I thought he knew me better than that. Or perhaps he though he could be the one to change me. I can't be certain. We've had several rounds of tense arguments, not speaking for several days here and there. This week, he told me he met someone who he wanted to date. I thought he had called things off with me. I was hurt, but it was fine. Then he called me the following night get together. We still aren't being clear with each other. I don't know what to make of this situation that we are both irritated by but won't leave alone. We could go back to being friends. That would be fine, but it doesn't seem to be shifting back the way I thought it would. At this point, C is all you get. It is not in reference to his name, although one of you out there knows all about this C.
An old friend has been asking me a lot about my Saturday nights. Since the spring, he has asked for eight different nights. It didn't dawn on me that this could be a pseudo-romantic thing. I wasn't able to go because of my schedule, but now I just want to avoid the whole thing. I do not see him that way, and although he has not expressed any clear and direct interest in dating, the warning signs are there.
A new friend and I have been getting to know each other. M doesn't have a lot of friends in the area, and I've recently lost a couple of friends, so it's a nice fit. I'm hoping to actually start hanging out with him soon. We've talked to each other as part of a larger group, but it would be nice to not have to yell over performing bands. If, over time, I find that I like him, then great. If I only see him as a friend, then great. I am open to possibility, but mostly, I want friends. I need friends.
S asked me out a month ago, and I turned him down. I haven't spoke with him since that happened. I just want to avoid the situation repeating itself.
N hasn't returned my call from last week. When I turned him down in June, he didn't take it too well. I gave him space, but he we haven't yet talked on the phone. I wanted to give him time to deal with the rejection so that we can be friends again. I just want to talk to my friend.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Two Dollars, revisited
I received a package in the mail today that included the wedding planning book, a replacement picture frame place holder (mine had been taken by someone else at the wedding. I know who took it, but I don't want to say on here, as it might upset people to know that their friends "lifted" something and denied it later when I confronted said person), and a letter.
It made me sad and relieved at the same time. The letter was well-written. Kind. Direct. It expressed thanks for all the things that we shared that were positive.
It made me sad and relieved at the same time. The letter was well-written. Kind. Direct. It expressed thanks for all the things that we shared that were positive.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Daydream, Actually
I have this strange daydream...
I visit some event in the area. I am with friends, different ones at different times.
Lately, I daydream this friend is Marco. We visit Eastern Market on some random late summer or early autumn Saturday morning when it's cool enough to smile in the building sunshine and yet it's still warm enough to walk around in my capri pants and a regular T-shirt, a stunning no-frills combination.
We saunter, taking pictures that we both tell ourselves might someday be something others want to buy. Contemporary images of a time-honored tradition. Off-center, color-saturated, deep and meaningful in a way that we have to argue to lay claim on some starving artist notion of what beauty truly is. We collect our imaginary money and thank imaginary people for their accolades.
We goof around, climbing stacks of pallets and other debris with our arms raised high in triumph, sampling a few of our agricultural finds, laughing and making faces at each other with dabs of blueberries on our teeth. Sometimes, it's grapes. Sometimes, I peel the grapes and spit chunks at Marco. And then, we laugh some more. I talk wildly with my hands, finally giving in to who I am and loving that I talk wildly with my hands. My playful teasing only bringing on more laughter and discussion of what a beautiful and perfect day it is because it is just that.
We visit the meat and fish market. I share that I'm a vegetarian, but we watch the men throwing fish into the ice inside the displays. We watch as men cut chunks of beef and pork and throw them on a scale. I pretend that this does not excite me. I pretend that this is offensive but Marco needs this moment.
I imagine this entry into Detroit is a kind one for Marco, who seems timid but curious about this city that is so near but still so scary in its almost foreign sensation to an Ohioan.
There is only a new friendship found over commonalities in failed relationships. There is only a new friendship where nothing existed before.
I sometimes picture running into Julie, a girl from a graduate reading class I took last fall. She is blond and beautiful and everything I'm not. I see her and approach. She smiles and asks me my name again. I respond, "Alicia, Actually" calling her "Actually" as a condescending tribute to the fact that she can use the word actually more times in one short conversation than I have used the word in my entire lifetime.
Marco walks toward us quietly, waiting for his introduction to someone who will inevitably ask if he was in our class, too. She doesn't notice that he is staring at her, seeing how beautiful she is. She doesn't hear his small utterances and minute contributions to the conversation. She means well and wants to connect with me.
While he is watching her, I tally how many times she utters the word actually. Eventually, her parents call her to leave, and she makes a strange statement about leaving all the "blacks" and heading back home to a "good area" - her random, innocent inappropriateness never failing her and going unchecked by others who are never quite quick enough to respond.
I tell Marco the story of how I began to call her "Actually." He laughs, and we begin to wind down as her sun-bright hair bobs into a minivan already peopled with two stable and comfortable-looking individuals who only wanted to share the Detroit they knew growing up with a daughter whose intelligence trails far behind her compassion and dedication to others.
That's where the day ends. There is no further adventure into the city. There is no return to the car. There is only a moment, sometimes advanced to a sunset that feels misplaced while we sit on a park bench with nothing left to discuss.
I visit some event in the area. I am with friends, different ones at different times.
Lately, I daydream this friend is Marco. We visit Eastern Market on some random late summer or early autumn Saturday morning when it's cool enough to smile in the building sunshine and yet it's still warm enough to walk around in my capri pants and a regular T-shirt, a stunning no-frills combination.
We saunter, taking pictures that we both tell ourselves might someday be something others want to buy. Contemporary images of a time-honored tradition. Off-center, color-saturated, deep and meaningful in a way that we have to argue to lay claim on some starving artist notion of what beauty truly is. We collect our imaginary money and thank imaginary people for their accolades.
We goof around, climbing stacks of pallets and other debris with our arms raised high in triumph, sampling a few of our agricultural finds, laughing and making faces at each other with dabs of blueberries on our teeth. Sometimes, it's grapes. Sometimes, I peel the grapes and spit chunks at Marco. And then, we laugh some more. I talk wildly with my hands, finally giving in to who I am and loving that I talk wildly with my hands. My playful teasing only bringing on more laughter and discussion of what a beautiful and perfect day it is because it is just that.
We visit the meat and fish market. I share that I'm a vegetarian, but we watch the men throwing fish into the ice inside the displays. We watch as men cut chunks of beef and pork and throw them on a scale. I pretend that this does not excite me. I pretend that this is offensive but Marco needs this moment.
I imagine this entry into Detroit is a kind one for Marco, who seems timid but curious about this city that is so near but still so scary in its almost foreign sensation to an Ohioan.
There is only a new friendship found over commonalities in failed relationships. There is only a new friendship where nothing existed before.
I sometimes picture running into Julie, a girl from a graduate reading class I took last fall. She is blond and beautiful and everything I'm not. I see her and approach. She smiles and asks me my name again. I respond, "Alicia, Actually" calling her "Actually" as a condescending tribute to the fact that she can use the word actually more times in one short conversation than I have used the word in my entire lifetime.
Marco walks toward us quietly, waiting for his introduction to someone who will inevitably ask if he was in our class, too. She doesn't notice that he is staring at her, seeing how beautiful she is. She doesn't hear his small utterances and minute contributions to the conversation. She means well and wants to connect with me.
While he is watching her, I tally how many times she utters the word actually. Eventually, her parents call her to leave, and she makes a strange statement about leaving all the "blacks" and heading back home to a "good area" - her random, innocent inappropriateness never failing her and going unchecked by others who are never quite quick enough to respond.
I tell Marco the story of how I began to call her "Actually." He laughs, and we begin to wind down as her sun-bright hair bobs into a minivan already peopled with two stable and comfortable-looking individuals who only wanted to share the Detroit they knew growing up with a daughter whose intelligence trails far behind her compassion and dedication to others.
That's where the day ends. There is no further adventure into the city. There is no return to the car. There is only a moment, sometimes advanced to a sunset that feels misplaced while we sit on a park bench with nothing left to discuss.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Spontaneity
Why does my spontaneity have to be during a period of spontaneity for you to be considered spontaneous? I just don't understand. What gives you the right to question my inclinations when I choose to stay home and do my own thing?
Granted, you tease me about it in a playful way, but the message is still there...if I am not willing to do what you want when you want, then I am somehow not living up to some expectation you have of me and my spontaneity. Do you not realize that that is ridiculous?
You don't get to determine when I do things, nor will I let you continue to comment on how I am not spontaneous because I won't hang out with you whenever you want.
You say "Jump."
I say "Fuck you."
Granted, you tease me about it in a playful way, but the message is still there...if I am not willing to do what you want when you want, then I am somehow not living up to some expectation you have of me and my spontaneity. Do you not realize that that is ridiculous?
You don't get to determine when I do things, nor will I let you continue to comment on how I am not spontaneous because I won't hang out with you whenever you want.
You say "Jump."
I say "Fuck you."
Sunday, August 15, 2010
"Two dollars!"
So, a short while back, I was "unfriended" by someone I have known most of my life. We used to be extremely close, but over the years, the friendship felt more like her trying too hard and me trying too little. This year, it came to a head.
The unfolding of the irritation is not what I wish to focus on; it's more about the manner in which she unfriended me. She decided to not act like an adult of almost 30 years. She decided to resort to just removing me from that part of her life. I'm actually okay with it because of how rude she was to me at a barbecue I attended (and yes, I was invited). She had been cold at other points, too, including her bachelorette party, even though I was the one taking care of her when her other friends continued having a good time. C stepped in to help me after roughly 35 minutes of taking care of her by myself, which was nice, but no one else bothered to even acknowledge that she had become ill.
I don't believe she recalls this. I don't believe she knows that yes, I did help pay for that party, even though it was more than I could really afford at the time and way more than anyone should be asked to pay. My replacement as Maid of Honor paid way too much for that evening. I also gave presents, as expected.
Hell, I had even allowed her to borrow a book to help her plan her wedding. She never returned it (even stating that she wanted to give it to one of her friends - I told her I'd like my book back), and I now feel like the kid in Better Off Dead saying "I want my two dollars!"
It's unfortunate that it has come to this, but I guess I am ready for her to not be a part of my life.
My life has been pretty good lately, despite some injuries. She hasn't bothered asking, and I haven't volunteered.
The unfolding of the irritation is not what I wish to focus on; it's more about the manner in which she unfriended me. She decided to not act like an adult of almost 30 years. She decided to resort to just removing me from that part of her life. I'm actually okay with it because of how rude she was to me at a barbecue I attended (and yes, I was invited). She had been cold at other points, too, including her bachelorette party, even though I was the one taking care of her when her other friends continued having a good time. C stepped in to help me after roughly 35 minutes of taking care of her by myself, which was nice, but no one else bothered to even acknowledge that she had become ill.
I don't believe she recalls this. I don't believe she knows that yes, I did help pay for that party, even though it was more than I could really afford at the time and way more than anyone should be asked to pay. My replacement as Maid of Honor paid way too much for that evening. I also gave presents, as expected.
Hell, I had even allowed her to borrow a book to help her plan her wedding. She never returned it (even stating that she wanted to give it to one of her friends - I told her I'd like my book back), and I now feel like the kid in Better Off Dead saying "I want my two dollars!"
It's unfortunate that it has come to this, but I guess I am ready for her to not be a part of my life.
My life has been pretty good lately, despite some injuries. She hasn't bothered asking, and I haven't volunteered.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Scheduling Friends
I met an old high school friend for breakfast today because he was in town. It was a nice visit. There was a touch of oddness to the visit, though, because in all the years I have known him, I have never before hung out with this person without other people present. We've never really made plans to do this before.
It's not to say that he is someone I wouldn't mind hanging out with again. We've always gotten along. It just seemed like a stretch for us to embark on the new journey of hanging out without everyone else's discussions woven into our interaction.
I'm friends with his roommate and his brother. We weren't close in high school, nor are we close now, but it seems odd that, all of a sudden, we all seem to want to take the time to learn about one another. I have a schedule filling with friends.
We discussed what keeps us busy during these long, lazy days of summer and the things that we thought we'd be doing at this point in our lives.
All-in-all, it was a nice morning out. I don't see a lot of mornings this time of year, but I'm glad I saw today's.
It's not to say that he is someone I wouldn't mind hanging out with again. We've always gotten along. It just seemed like a stretch for us to embark on the new journey of hanging out without everyone else's discussions woven into our interaction.
I'm friends with his roommate and his brother. We weren't close in high school, nor are we close now, but it seems odd that, all of a sudden, we all seem to want to take the time to learn about one another. I have a schedule filling with friends.
We discussed what keeps us busy during these long, lazy days of summer and the things that we thought we'd be doing at this point in our lives.
All-in-all, it was a nice morning out. I don't see a lot of mornings this time of year, but I'm glad I saw today's.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
New Treatment
The soft (medicated) cast on my right foot is already working its magic. By the end of a full week with this thing on, though, it definitely won't feel (or probably smell) so magical. At least my toes are not encapsulated by the mixture of paste, medicine and various bandages. I can clean them at will, very carefully, of course.
I am going to ask if I can have digital copies of my X-rays when I go in next week. It's not that I want to take them to another doctor. I just want to see if I can start to understand what's been wrong with my feet for a while now.
Heel spurs, tendonitis, arches that exceed normal standards, toe pain, muscle pain, poor circulation, weakness, etc. I am so much better with visuals. Plus, I could subject my friends to images of the insides of my feet. Now that would be fun!
I told some OTC pain medication that sent me reeling away from normal, calm interaction to a hyper version of myself. Some people were plagued with my outrageous laughing and joke-cracking over the phone. I don't believe that these people were really prepared for me in that state. That is primarily why I avoid all medication. My body just does not know how to react and I am often a bit wild and crazy, scratching my arms in true OCD fashion (sometimes my neck, legs, and torso, as well), and/or staring blankly at things while in a complete daze.
I've never felt compelled to try illicit drugs. There's never been a need, and I am always trying to feel in control of something in my life. There isn't much that I can control (not for a lack of trying), so sobriety makes me feel in control. If I really need to feel spaced out, Sudafed is enough. If I needed a depressant, alcohol works. Ibuprofen tends to do that, too. If I need to perk up, certain vitamins, herbal remedies, and mood stabilizers in something like Midol definitely do the trick.
I am going to ask if I can have digital copies of my X-rays when I go in next week. It's not that I want to take them to another doctor. I just want to see if I can start to understand what's been wrong with my feet for a while now.
Heel spurs, tendonitis, arches that exceed normal standards, toe pain, muscle pain, poor circulation, weakness, etc. I am so much better with visuals. Plus, I could subject my friends to images of the insides of my feet. Now that would be fun!
I told some OTC pain medication that sent me reeling away from normal, calm interaction to a hyper version of myself. Some people were plagued with my outrageous laughing and joke-cracking over the phone. I don't believe that these people were really prepared for me in that state. That is primarily why I avoid all medication. My body just does not know how to react and I am often a bit wild and crazy, scratching my arms in true OCD fashion (sometimes my neck, legs, and torso, as well), and/or staring blankly at things while in a complete daze.
I've never felt compelled to try illicit drugs. There's never been a need, and I am always trying to feel in control of something in my life. There isn't much that I can control (not for a lack of trying), so sobriety makes me feel in control. If I really need to feel spaced out, Sudafed is enough. If I needed a depressant, alcohol works. Ibuprofen tends to do that, too. If I need to perk up, certain vitamins, herbal remedies, and mood stabilizers in something like Midol definitely do the trick.
Recent Fears
This blog seems to be the one place where I can unload a little bit. I don't see the need to visit a therapist because I know what is wrong with me. I don't need the diagnosis from someone else. What I do need is someone who will get me from where I am to where I want to be, and I don't believe that a therapist will be able to help me with that. It's an internal process. It's a simple process. I just have to do the things that are already obvious to me.
I'm just afraid.
And when I'm afraid, I lash out at others. I find ways to get a reaction out of them so that I can argue them out of my life. I use this to sabotage any sort of romantic relationship, too, because deep down, I really don't want to move on.
So, if anyone's wondering why they haven't heard from me beyond the Facebook status updates, that would be it.
I finally spoke to a friend who needed space from me. I pushed him too far in one particular conversation, and he was hurt - truly hurt - by what I had said to him. I feel awful for my part (which is most of it) in the conflict, and I fear I have destroyed one of the few lifelong friendships I've been able to maintain up until this point.
I'm just afraid.
And when I'm afraid, I lash out at others. I find ways to get a reaction out of them so that I can argue them out of my life. I use this to sabotage any sort of romantic relationship, too, because deep down, I really don't want to move on.
So, if anyone's wondering why they haven't heard from me beyond the Facebook status updates, that would be it.
I finally spoke to a friend who needed space from me. I pushed him too far in one particular conversation, and he was hurt - truly hurt - by what I had said to him. I feel awful for my part (which is most of it) in the conflict, and I fear I have destroyed one of the few lifelong friendships I've been able to maintain up until this point.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Open Doors
I have spent the last two days inside my home, exiting only to dump recycling bins and trash, plant a few seeds outside, and reach a hand out to the mailbox to find impersonal messages. The doors have remained open for most of that time, though.
So, what have I been doing?
Living and working for others.
I am being patient with people who may not deserve it. I keep trying to be understanding, but my own beliefs about what they should be doing after I spend my free time preparing things for them simply do not jive with what they choose to do. I am not expecting thank-yous as I had figured I wanted several weeks ago. I suppose what I really want is for them to give up their free time to, at least, consider what I have done for them. I want them to stop wasting time - stop wasting life.
We simply do not get enough time here.
That would be why I choose to open doors again. John Donne said "No man is an island." I can see what is out there and choose to be a part of it.
So, what have I been doing?
Living and working for others.
I am being patient with people who may not deserve it. I keep trying to be understanding, but my own beliefs about what they should be doing after I spend my free time preparing things for them simply do not jive with what they choose to do. I am not expecting thank-yous as I had figured I wanted several weeks ago. I suppose what I really want is for them to give up their free time to, at least, consider what I have done for them. I want them to stop wasting time - stop wasting life.
We simply do not get enough time here.
That would be why I choose to open doors again. John Donne said "No man is an island." I can see what is out there and choose to be a part of it.
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Starting Off Great on a Bad Foot (or two)
After the picnic yesterday during which I was awarded a certificate of appreciation, I went to bed early, woke early, and then lost all the momentum.
My heel isn't aching too much today, but I am still not in any shape to run sprints with it. The other foot (the one with the mid-foot sprain) is not healing at all. In fact, it is getting worse. I had to finally break down and contact a foot specialist. I have an appointment on Tuesday, but there is so much I want to do today, tomorrow, and Monday. I am not really in the right place to do them.
Because of the pain, I've become very anti-social, at least as it relates to physically going out and visiting with friends. I mostly just correspond with people using Facebook.
No one really calls me. I do receive the occasional text message, but that only goes so far.
Ugh. Enough of this pity party. I am going to crawl into the kitchen and scrounge up something to eat.
My heel isn't aching too much today, but I am still not in any shape to run sprints with it. The other foot (the one with the mid-foot sprain) is not healing at all. In fact, it is getting worse. I had to finally break down and contact a foot specialist. I have an appointment on Tuesday, but there is so much I want to do today, tomorrow, and Monday. I am not really in the right place to do them.
Because of the pain, I've become very anti-social, at least as it relates to physically going out and visiting with friends. I mostly just correspond with people using Facebook.
No one really calls me. I do receive the occasional text message, but that only goes so far.
Ugh. Enough of this pity party. I am going to crawl into the kitchen and scrounge up something to eat.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
My Soap Box
I learned today that when you have someone figured out, it's better to just keep it to yourself.
I suspected something about a friend, so I asked a very direct question (only because it does relate to me). I wanted a direct answer. I can handle direct answers. In fact, I love direct answers, even if they cause me pain. Instead of a direct answer, though, I received a feigned emotional redirect with a question and sarcasm.
It's clear to me that I was right, but this other person obviously didn't see this about himself, so he decided to share disrespectful commentary with me through a text message. He also said I am on a soap box. I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposedly arguing on this soap box as we haven't had any conversation for a week or so.
He wants space, so I'll give it to him. I won't disrespect his wishes, even though he disrespected me. As much as I need to resolve this, my need will have to wait until he is reasonable again. If that doesn't happen, that's going to have to be fine, too.
I suspected something about a friend, so I asked a very direct question (only because it does relate to me). I wanted a direct answer. I can handle direct answers. In fact, I love direct answers, even if they cause me pain. Instead of a direct answer, though, I received a feigned emotional redirect with a question and sarcasm.
It's clear to me that I was right, but this other person obviously didn't see this about himself, so he decided to share disrespectful commentary with me through a text message. He also said I am on a soap box. I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposedly arguing on this soap box as we haven't had any conversation for a week or so.
He wants space, so I'll give it to him. I won't disrespect his wishes, even though he disrespected me. As much as I need to resolve this, my need will have to wait until he is reasonable again. If that doesn't happen, that's going to have to be fine, too.
What Would You Do?
As a society, I think Americans have lost something vital to any prosperous and caring nation - heart.
I often complain about the lack of action and reaction in others. I think the United States offers a fractured version of what community used to mean. And then there are shows like What Would You Do?
ABC may be trying to either instruct or shame us into realizing what we should be doing for one another.
It's unfortunate that we must use television to teach what parents are supposed to teach, but our society is so pregnant with glorifying despicable behavior and general disregard for anything outside of ourselves that I think we all need a reality check. I do applaud ABC for pointing that out to us and showing us how we should be acting and reacting (by stopping and speaking with people who do and do not do what we, as a society, believe they should do).
When I visited Europe a couple of summers ago, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find assistance. Germans are not well known for their immediate warmth (this is something that is developed over time in German culture). I had a medical problem on the flight over but did not need emergency care. The flight attendants brought me aspirin, but that did not alleviate the problem. They couldn't really offer more than that, but they did try to find a solution to my problem.
When I reached Frankfurt airport, the pharmacist in die Apotheke was very warm and very helpful. She saw I was in agony and made sure that I had absolutely everything I needed before leaving the shop. She also provided me information that I might need later in the week. I was appreciative and thanked her profusely. She looked surprised, probably because it is her duty as a pharmacist to help those in need and it is expected to act accordingly. I suppose I am not accustomed to people really doing what we in America consider going above and beyond to ensure the safety and comfort of others.
When leaving the Munich airport, I was puzzled by the brand new train ticket machine. It was just replaced and I was unfamiliar with the different options (I had made sure to make note of what the travel administration had said would be in the station to help move things along faster). I stood there, deciphering my different options (some were new and better deals and I wasn't sure what I'd be needing throughout my visit). A very sweet older woman approached and helped me, smiling the whole time, and explaining the options in English (I am aware of how "American" I appear, i.e. being overweight, standing in line with lots of space around me, and generally looking confused by other languages although I do know a lot of German). She was an absolute delight and asked questions that helped me figure out what I needed.
I thanked her profusely, as well, trying to demonstrate how much I appreciated her time and energy. She probably had some place to be. I wish I would have asked her name. When I thanked her, she seemed surprised, as if her actions didn't even beg a thank-you. Helping me must have seemed the right thing to do for her and no one should necessarily have to thank someone for that.
From watching WWYD?, I have learned that there are still people in the United States teaching their children to assist others, although the people who speak up and act are definitely in the minority (and oftentimes, people who are immigrants to our nation). I hope that seeing on TV what we should be doing as a society will send a positive message to the masses about what community truly means.
I often complain about the lack of action and reaction in others. I think the United States offers a fractured version of what community used to mean. And then there are shows like What Would You Do?
ABC may be trying to either instruct or shame us into realizing what we should be doing for one another.
It's unfortunate that we must use television to teach what parents are supposed to teach, but our society is so pregnant with glorifying despicable behavior and general disregard for anything outside of ourselves that I think we all need a reality check. I do applaud ABC for pointing that out to us and showing us how we should be acting and reacting (by stopping and speaking with people who do and do not do what we, as a society, believe they should do).
When I visited Europe a couple of summers ago, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find assistance. Germans are not well known for their immediate warmth (this is something that is developed over time in German culture). I had a medical problem on the flight over but did not need emergency care. The flight attendants brought me aspirin, but that did not alleviate the problem. They couldn't really offer more than that, but they did try to find a solution to my problem.
When I reached Frankfurt airport, the pharmacist in die Apotheke was very warm and very helpful. She saw I was in agony and made sure that I had absolutely everything I needed before leaving the shop. She also provided me information that I might need later in the week. I was appreciative and thanked her profusely. She looked surprised, probably because it is her duty as a pharmacist to help those in need and it is expected to act accordingly. I suppose I am not accustomed to people really doing what we in America consider going above and beyond to ensure the safety and comfort of others.
When leaving the Munich airport, I was puzzled by the brand new train ticket machine. It was just replaced and I was unfamiliar with the different options (I had made sure to make note of what the travel administration had said would be in the station to help move things along faster). I stood there, deciphering my different options (some were new and better deals and I wasn't sure what I'd be needing throughout my visit). A very sweet older woman approached and helped me, smiling the whole time, and explaining the options in English (I am aware of how "American" I appear, i.e. being overweight, standing in line with lots of space around me, and generally looking confused by other languages although I do know a lot of German). She was an absolute delight and asked questions that helped me figure out what I needed.
I thanked her profusely, as well, trying to demonstrate how much I appreciated her time and energy. She probably had some place to be. I wish I would have asked her name. When I thanked her, she seemed surprised, as if her actions didn't even beg a thank-you. Helping me must have seemed the right thing to do for her and no one should necessarily have to thank someone for that.
From watching WWYD?, I have learned that there are still people in the United States teaching their children to assist others, although the people who speak up and act are definitely in the minority (and oftentimes, people who are immigrants to our nation). I hope that seeing on TV what we should be doing as a society will send a positive message to the masses about what community truly means.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
JERK
I don't want to jerk anyone around.
I think I need to do some soul-searching to make certain that I don't spend another year doing just that.
The truth is that I am no closer to knowing who I want to be with. The feelings are there. The people are there. I just don't know which direction to go.
I like being single. I don't want to be single forever, though. In fact, I just want to reach the point where I know who should be with me. The problem is that I need to try dating a few different people (I've learned that I cannot make the determination from a distance.). I cannot offer guarantees that I won't break someone's heart when I figure it out. This would translate into being jerked around.
I hate this.
I think I need to do some soul-searching to make certain that I don't spend another year doing just that.
The truth is that I am no closer to knowing who I want to be with. The feelings are there. The people are there. I just don't know which direction to go.
I like being single. I don't want to be single forever, though. In fact, I just want to reach the point where I know who should be with me. The problem is that I need to try dating a few different people (I've learned that I cannot make the determination from a distance.). I cannot offer guarantees that I won't break someone's heart when I figure it out. This would translate into being jerked around.
I hate this.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
No English
I didn't get the English position I interviewed for. I feel very down after learning this because the interview itself was one of if not the best interview I've had in my entire career.
The fact that the interview team discussed me as I left (I was still within earshot) and said really fantastic things about me made me feel very confident that this was a real possibility.
I am still waiting to hear about the part-time German position I interviewed for yesterday. The district is a great one, but I'd be adding the stress of finding and working at another place of employment to put food on the table. I would be okay with this if I knew something would become available down the line.
I am still dealing with the sprained foot. It doesn't seem to want to finish healing. I have some pain in the arch, which is making walking difficult.
I am almost done with my graduate project and an online class to gain a teaching endorsement.
The fact that the interview team discussed me as I left (I was still within earshot) and said really fantastic things about me made me feel very confident that this was a real possibility.
I am still waiting to hear about the part-time German position I interviewed for yesterday. The district is a great one, but I'd be adding the stress of finding and working at another place of employment to put food on the table. I would be okay with this if I knew something would become available down the line.
I am still dealing with the sprained foot. It doesn't seem to want to finish healing. I have some pain in the arch, which is making walking difficult.
I am almost done with my graduate project and an online class to gain a teaching endorsement.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Milwaukee-Inspired
The wedding I was in on Saturday was amazing! The preparations were something I did not look forward to, but the day was absolutely wonderful, from start to finish...and beyond.
I met someone - we'll call him Milwaukee because that is where he currently lives - at the rehearsal who inspired me. As one of the groomsman, he was everything to the groom he was supposed to be. To the bridesmaids, he was more. He pulled out our chairs for us and helped me up from my seat so that I wouldn't injure my sprained ankle and further. He danced with me, even though he knew he could not spin me, and we we had a good time.
He and I sat in the limo, talking about Europe, education, the job opportunities we both have at our fingertips, etc. He is absolutely charming, easy to talk to, and his good looks are a bonus.
Milwaukee kept pouring the wine, and we talked about the journeys we've been on. He grew up moving around a lot - not just around the U.S., but the world. When he brought up the international schools he attended, I felt this inspiration I've felt in the past. Having never attended one, I am really curious how they operate. I seriously considered a move to Europe some time ago (I even started the paperwork), but my gave up after my ex-fiance didn't see much opportunity for him to continue in his profession there. I stopped researching the schools that I would be applying to and gave up on this desire.
Saturday, though, gave me the chance to speak to a worldly man who (although a few yeas younger) has seen and done so much more all over the world. His profession sends him everywhere, and he seems to love the cultural variety of his different destinations. He knew some German, having lived in Switzerland for some time while he was young, and I was able to use that German tongue that is not exercised enough to retain what it used to know.
After the wedding and reception, a large group of us met at a local bar. I continued talking to Milwaukee about living abroad. I am infinitely curious about this experience as I have not had the opportunity to do so.
I don't know if this might be someone who becomes a friend over the years of gathering with the bride and groom, but he inspired me more than most people around me the past year. I am going to see what the world has to offer, and I am not going to waste another minute putting off what I put off for other people over the years.
Thank you, Milwaukee. I needed the reminder to get out there and live.
Oh, and I just learned from my mother that Milwaukee may be someone I knew as a very young child. How weird would that be!?!
I met someone - we'll call him Milwaukee because that is where he currently lives - at the rehearsal who inspired me. As one of the groomsman, he was everything to the groom he was supposed to be. To the bridesmaids, he was more. He pulled out our chairs for us and helped me up from my seat so that I wouldn't injure my sprained ankle and further. He danced with me, even though he knew he could not spin me, and we we had a good time.
He and I sat in the limo, talking about Europe, education, the job opportunities we both have at our fingertips, etc. He is absolutely charming, easy to talk to, and his good looks are a bonus.
Milwaukee kept pouring the wine, and we talked about the journeys we've been on. He grew up moving around a lot - not just around the U.S., but the world. When he brought up the international schools he attended, I felt this inspiration I've felt in the past. Having never attended one, I am really curious how they operate. I seriously considered a move to Europe some time ago (I even started the paperwork), but my gave up after my ex-fiance didn't see much opportunity for him to continue in his profession there. I stopped researching the schools that I would be applying to and gave up on this desire.
Saturday, though, gave me the chance to speak to a worldly man who (although a few yeas younger) has seen and done so much more all over the world. His profession sends him everywhere, and he seems to love the cultural variety of his different destinations. He knew some German, having lived in Switzerland for some time while he was young, and I was able to use that German tongue that is not exercised enough to retain what it used to know.
After the wedding and reception, a large group of us met at a local bar. I continued talking to Milwaukee about living abroad. I am infinitely curious about this experience as I have not had the opportunity to do so.
I don't know if this might be someone who becomes a friend over the years of gathering with the bride and groom, but he inspired me more than most people around me the past year. I am going to see what the world has to offer, and I am not going to waste another minute putting off what I put off for other people over the years.
Thank you, Milwaukee. I needed the reminder to get out there and live.
Oh, and I just learned from my mother that Milwaukee may be someone I knew as a very young child. How weird would that be!?!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
You're Not Ready!
Speaking with counselors didn't help. All I needed was someone who would listen to the entire conversation and point out the obvious to me without an opinion that somehow was tied to her own preferences for my life.
The last several weeks have presented some new opportunities and some new challenges. I was psyched about some of these things, even though I didn't know what I was supposed to learn.
Without divulging how I learned or what I learned, I can still say that what I want and where I'm headed are guided by what I really want. I haven't lost sight of that.
I had thought that yet another friend was passing sort of cruel judgment on my status by saying, "You're not ready!" I was immediately offended. I argued against this, even though I didn't know exactly what I was fighting for or why I was fighting it.
I shared this conversation and a few others with one of the most incredible friends I have ever had. She didn't try to tell me what to think. Instead, she let me share and asked me questions that made me really think about my home, my life, my needs, etc. She helped me to connect the dots that I hadn't realized were much closer than they originally appeared.
Tonight I learned that I am not ready, just as someone else had said to me. This awareness is now reflected in me, and I can honestly say that I feel much better about it. I have an idea where I am headed, as all roads must lead somewhere, and it is possible to leave this entire situation behind and find something much more meaningful and positive.
Thank you ... for commentary (even though I didn't understand at the time and felt hurt at the time you shared it)...and thank you ... for listening, for helping with the analysis, for being supportive, and for just being the awesome person you are!
The last several weeks have presented some new opportunities and some new challenges. I was psyched about some of these things, even though I didn't know what I was supposed to learn.
Without divulging how I learned or what I learned, I can still say that what I want and where I'm headed are guided by what I really want. I haven't lost sight of that.
I had thought that yet another friend was passing sort of cruel judgment on my status by saying, "You're not ready!" I was immediately offended. I argued against this, even though I didn't know exactly what I was fighting for or why I was fighting it.
I shared this conversation and a few others with one of the most incredible friends I have ever had. She didn't try to tell me what to think. Instead, she let me share and asked me questions that made me really think about my home, my life, my needs, etc. She helped me to connect the dots that I hadn't realized were much closer than they originally appeared.
Tonight I learned that I am not ready, just as someone else had said to me. This awareness is now reflected in me, and I can honestly say that I feel much better about it. I have an idea where I am headed, as all roads must lead somewhere, and it is possible to leave this entire situation behind and find something much more meaningful and positive.
Thank you ... for commentary (even though I didn't understand at the time and felt hurt at the time you shared it)...and thank you ... for listening, for helping with the analysis, for being supportive, and for just being the awesome person you are!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
My Name is NOT Grace for a Reason!
Today started like most days. I heard my alarm sound, and I flailed my arms and legs to wake up and reach over to turn it off. I couldn't reach it. I had plugged my phone into the wall, so I needed to stand.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and hopped up. Unfortunately, something wasn't quite working right. I had absolutely no control over the muscles in my legs. I could feel my left leg straining to hold me up, but my right leg seemed without solid structure. It flopped sideways and I fell hard upon it.
I heard a popping sounds, similar to the sound of knuckles cracking. I felt a numbness for a brief moment and then lots of tingling in my right shin and foot.
I pull myself up to a seated position against the bed, slowly moving my legs up and down to gain control of them again. As I tried wiggling toes and bending and flexing my feet, I began to register this intense pain in my right arch and around the bones on the inner side of the foot. It was somewhat like a muscle cramp but much more intense. I could still move my foot, but the range of motion was limited due to some immediate swelling.
I pulled myself back onto the bed and lay very still, hoping that whatever was off would re-align itself. Eventually, the throbbing subsided a little, and I decided to try to walk. That was probably not the best thing for me. I was unable to stand again - not because I didn't have the strength I lacked before - because I experienced pain so severe that I was howling and crying out as I toppled over a second time.
I knew in that instant that I should visit the ER, but I didn't want to admit defeat. I crawled into the tub and took a rather clumsy shower and got ready for the day...at least as well as one can without the ability to put clothes on the standard way. I avoided going downstairs for a while because I didn't know how I was going to climb down without causing more pain.
I eventually settled on scooting down the stairs, one at a time. I couldn't crawl because pointed my toes was painful. I eventually got downstairs and tried to pull myself together.
I gave in and called my dad to bring over my mom's crutches. While I waiting for him, I sideways crawled about my place, gathering things I needed like my purse, shoes, and ice from the freezer (which was not easy to retrieve). I elevated my leg on the couch and chatted with friends online in hopes that their lives would be able to distract me from the pain.
My dad arrived, and we headed to the hospital. I was treated quickly after being routed to the non-surgical emergency pediatrics area (PEDIATRICS! ME! 29!). I had X-rays done, as well as an exam from a very attractive young doctor (who was wearing a wedding ring - darn). After only a couple of hours, I was on my way with the same diagnosis and treatment I had figured out on my own.
I'm in pain, but I will take it easy. I need this to heal as quickly as possible.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and hopped up. Unfortunately, something wasn't quite working right. I had absolutely no control over the muscles in my legs. I could feel my left leg straining to hold me up, but my right leg seemed without solid structure. It flopped sideways and I fell hard upon it.
I heard a popping sounds, similar to the sound of knuckles cracking. I felt a numbness for a brief moment and then lots of tingling in my right shin and foot.
I pull myself up to a seated position against the bed, slowly moving my legs up and down to gain control of them again. As I tried wiggling toes and bending and flexing my feet, I began to register this intense pain in my right arch and around the bones on the inner side of the foot. It was somewhat like a muscle cramp but much more intense. I could still move my foot, but the range of motion was limited due to some immediate swelling.
I pulled myself back onto the bed and lay very still, hoping that whatever was off would re-align itself. Eventually, the throbbing subsided a little, and I decided to try to walk. That was probably not the best thing for me. I was unable to stand again - not because I didn't have the strength I lacked before - because I experienced pain so severe that I was howling and crying out as I toppled over a second time.
I knew in that instant that I should visit the ER, but I didn't want to admit defeat. I crawled into the tub and took a rather clumsy shower and got ready for the day...at least as well as one can without the ability to put clothes on the standard way. I avoided going downstairs for a while because I didn't know how I was going to climb down without causing more pain.
I eventually settled on scooting down the stairs, one at a time. I couldn't crawl because pointed my toes was painful. I eventually got downstairs and tried to pull myself together.
I gave in and called my dad to bring over my mom's crutches. While I waiting for him, I sideways crawled about my place, gathering things I needed like my purse, shoes, and ice from the freezer (which was not easy to retrieve). I elevated my leg on the couch and chatted with friends online in hopes that their lives would be able to distract me from the pain.
My dad arrived, and we headed to the hospital. I was treated quickly after being routed to the non-surgical emergency pediatrics area (PEDIATRICS! ME! 29!). I had X-rays done, as well as an exam from a very attractive young doctor (who was wearing a wedding ring - darn). After only a couple of hours, I was on my way with the same diagnosis and treatment I had figured out on my own.
I'm in pain, but I will take it easy. I need this to heal as quickly as possible.
Highs and Lows
I got a library card today. I have been living here for one year, almost to the day. I have purchased books left and right, fully knowing that I could have checked them out of a local library. I just wasn't ready until today. I am now officially part of the community.
When I returned home, I found that the maintenance workers or landscaping contractors ripped out my flowers. They hadn't bloomed yet, but they certainly did not resemble weeds.
I planted the seeds in March. I have worked on the flowerbeds since then. I cared for them. I watered them. I nurtured them. I loved them.
They were a bit slow to start, but they were nearing their first bloom cycle. I am so upset that they are gone - not just because of the time, money, and energy I put into them - more so because their lives were cut short. They didn't get to do what every living thing tries to do - thrive and reproduce. They were doing well, but the lack of blooms means that I will have to plant again next year as these were annuals.
When I returned home, I found that the maintenance workers or landscaping contractors ripped out my flowers. They hadn't bloomed yet, but they certainly did not resemble weeds.
I planted the seeds in March. I have worked on the flowerbeds since then. I cared for them. I watered them. I nurtured them. I loved them.
They were a bit slow to start, but they were nearing their first bloom cycle. I am so upset that they are gone - not just because of the time, money, and energy I put into them - more so because their lives were cut short. They didn't get to do what every living thing tries to do - thrive and reproduce. They were doing well, but the lack of blooms means that I will have to plant again next year as these were annuals.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Psychology
So, after discussing a friend's struggles with the id, I started to think a little more about the psychology of my own experiences.
In a nutshell, here is Freud's theory on the structural model of personality:
The id is centered around the pleasure principle. Whether we are discussing needs or wants, the id is what drives us. This is part of the unconscious (subconscious).
The ego is the personality and is based on reality. This is the part of our unconscious (subconscious) that lets us know that other people have needs and wants, too. In addition, it's the ego's job to help us understand consequences. This portion does move throughout the other levels.
The superego is our morality. This is developed by those who raise us - parent figures and society (communities, churches, etc.). This pre-conscious idea is closer to the conscious.
The last year-and-a-half has been driven more and more by the id. With the health problems I faced, my doctors explained that reverting to more instinctual trends is a sign that something serious was going on. I can only conclude that I was still functioning through my ego, as there is almost no other way for a human being, navigating my life between different desires and social rules with many moments of conflict. I was using my ego/personality to get what the id wanted without much regard for the somewhat traditional values I hold. Wait, scratch that. I was left feeling incredible guilty, sad, and frustrated because my superego would not let me do much. Wanting someone else from who I had been with didn't fit with my values, either, so I couldn't win.
I felt very fragmented, and these three categories of my subconscious seem(ed) to be in the most ridiculous battle.
To explain more fully, overall, I wanted to have the life I had planned with Jeremy. It fit with my values, my personality, etc. There was something new, though, that my id wanted. The battle was on. The id still wanted what it wanted before, but it also wanted something else and I started down a path to get both, if possible.
It's not wrong for the id to act this way. The ego is supposed to consider the id's desires and then look to the superego for guidance about how to act. It wasn't doing this properly because the wants changed moment to moment. This jerking motion in my mind made it difficult to really consider the different paths I wanted. Therefore, the day-to-day existence was fraught with contradiction and actions that didn't make sense to others or to me. I could say with complete honesty one day that all I wanted was to be with Jeremy. The next day, I could say I was completely wrong, and that I wanted to be elsewhere. Each was true in the moment.
I felt very confused and disoriented most of the time, so it's no wonder I was experiencing panic attacks and fits of situational depression. It was similar to what my friends have described about suffering from bipolar disorder, but it wasn't high or low for me. It was Jeremy or Tony. Both sides of this had highs and lows. I just had no coping skills for that set of issues. I was a mess.
I'm glad I went to doctors and counselors for help. The most alarming part was the medical issue I was having. Severe vitamin deficiencies are easily fixed, although they can take some time if some organs are already affected by the lack of necessary vitamins and minerals.
I have been taking about ten different vitamins, including a multi-vitamin, since then. My nails, hair, and skin have all been looking better. My eyesight has improved...I had thought I was going blind in one eye last year. My right eye wasn't registering a picture from time to time, usually at night, which is scary. My eye doctor is probably happy that he doesn't hear from me so much now. That's an improvement for him, I'm sure! I still have bouts of kidney and muscle pain, but I think that that will always be the case.
My mind is more stabilized now...with extra doses of those particular vitamins that I never knew were so important to daily brain function...but there is still some conflict. It's a different conflict, though. It's more about which direction, in the long run, I want to go and what I can and will do along the way. Yes, there are currently more options, but I think it is healthy for me to be looking at possibilities and reasoning with myself. My id wants several things, overall:
1. a stable, happy relationship with a man - not just particular ones...it wants an overall concept. (Yay!)
2. some fun and excitement (as they relate and don't relate to a relationship with a man)
3. comfort (through food, drink, companions, physicality, mental process, etc.)
To get wherever I'm headed, I choose to let my ego temper the superego and set the parameters of what is permissible.
And...we're off.
In a nutshell, here is Freud's theory on the structural model of personality:
The id is centered around the pleasure principle. Whether we are discussing needs or wants, the id is what drives us. This is part of the unconscious (subconscious).
The ego is the personality and is based on reality. This is the part of our unconscious (subconscious) that lets us know that other people have needs and wants, too. In addition, it's the ego's job to help us understand consequences. This portion does move throughout the other levels.
The superego is our morality. This is developed by those who raise us - parent figures and society (communities, churches, etc.). This pre-conscious idea is closer to the conscious.
The last year-and-a-half has been driven more and more by the id. With the health problems I faced, my doctors explained that reverting to more instinctual trends is a sign that something serious was going on. I can only conclude that I was still functioning through my ego, as there is almost no other way for a human being, navigating my life between different desires and social rules with many moments of conflict. I was using my ego/personality to get what the id wanted without much regard for the somewhat traditional values I hold. Wait, scratch that. I was left feeling incredible guilty, sad, and frustrated because my superego would not let me do much. Wanting someone else from who I had been with didn't fit with my values, either, so I couldn't win.
I felt very fragmented, and these three categories of my subconscious seem(ed) to be in the most ridiculous battle.
To explain more fully, overall, I wanted to have the life I had planned with Jeremy. It fit with my values, my personality, etc. There was something new, though, that my id wanted. The battle was on. The id still wanted what it wanted before, but it also wanted something else and I started down a path to get both, if possible.
It's not wrong for the id to act this way. The ego is supposed to consider the id's desires and then look to the superego for guidance about how to act. It wasn't doing this properly because the wants changed moment to moment. This jerking motion in my mind made it difficult to really consider the different paths I wanted. Therefore, the day-to-day existence was fraught with contradiction and actions that didn't make sense to others or to me. I could say with complete honesty one day that all I wanted was to be with Jeremy. The next day, I could say I was completely wrong, and that I wanted to be elsewhere. Each was true in the moment.
I felt very confused and disoriented most of the time, so it's no wonder I was experiencing panic attacks and fits of situational depression. It was similar to what my friends have described about suffering from bipolar disorder, but it wasn't high or low for me. It was Jeremy or Tony. Both sides of this had highs and lows. I just had no coping skills for that set of issues. I was a mess.
I'm glad I went to doctors and counselors for help. The most alarming part was the medical issue I was having. Severe vitamin deficiencies are easily fixed, although they can take some time if some organs are already affected by the lack of necessary vitamins and minerals.
I have been taking about ten different vitamins, including a multi-vitamin, since then. My nails, hair, and skin have all been looking better. My eyesight has improved...I had thought I was going blind in one eye last year. My right eye wasn't registering a picture from time to time, usually at night, which is scary. My eye doctor is probably happy that he doesn't hear from me so much now. That's an improvement for him, I'm sure! I still have bouts of kidney and muscle pain, but I think that that will always be the case.
My mind is more stabilized now...with extra doses of those particular vitamins that I never knew were so important to daily brain function...but there is still some conflict. It's a different conflict, though. It's more about which direction, in the long run, I want to go and what I can and will do along the way. Yes, there are currently more options, but I think it is healthy for me to be looking at possibilities and reasoning with myself. My id wants several things, overall:
1. a stable, happy relationship with a man - not just particular ones...it wants an overall concept. (Yay!)
2. some fun and excitement (as they relate and don't relate to a relationship with a man)
3. comfort (through food, drink, companions, physicality, mental process, etc.)
To get wherever I'm headed, I choose to let my ego temper the superego and set the parameters of what is permissible.
And...we're off.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Situational Depression
The very worst part of summer are the days that are so hot that I am lethargic. Because I don't accomplish a lot, I feel depressed. It's probably the balance of having an incredible month last month. There has to be some down time.
I started something, or at least it felt like I started something with someone. I worry that I was wrong. I worry that I will never again feel the way I did a long time ago when life made sense.
I'm also depressed because I temporarily stopped taking the overload of vitamins I have been ordered to take every day. The pills make me feel sick, so I think I need to find liquid forms again. The liquid vitamins are more expensive and difficult to match dosages, though, and I need consistency more than anything. I keep thinking that I've improved my diet sufficiently that I can cut back on these things, but that is still not the case. I become emotional, needy, and very depressed. It takes a few days of vitamins to get back to normal. My doctors tell me that if I don't get this into a solid routine, I might have to actually start taking medication for this issue. I understand Situational Depression is an issue, but I refuse to take anything that will alter the chemistry of my brain. Plus, if I am still struggling with taking vitamins in pill form on a daily basis, what makes them think that I will take medication with more enthusiasm?
I started something, or at least it felt like I started something with someone. I worry that I was wrong. I worry that I will never again feel the way I did a long time ago when life made sense.
I'm also depressed because I temporarily stopped taking the overload of vitamins I have been ordered to take every day. The pills make me feel sick, so I think I need to find liquid forms again. The liquid vitamins are more expensive and difficult to match dosages, though, and I need consistency more than anything. I keep thinking that I've improved my diet sufficiently that I can cut back on these things, but that is still not the case. I become emotional, needy, and very depressed. It takes a few days of vitamins to get back to normal. My doctors tell me that if I don't get this into a solid routine, I might have to actually start taking medication for this issue. I understand Situational Depression is an issue, but I refuse to take anything that will alter the chemistry of my brain. Plus, if I am still struggling with taking vitamins in pill form on a daily basis, what makes them think that I will take medication with more enthusiasm?
Never Accept
Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law. Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.
Monday, July 05, 2010
Meaningless Fornication
Some people offer bad advice. When I don't take it, they give it to me again as if I am not following it because I didn't hear it.
One of my friends suggested, when I was upset tonight, that I throw my morals and values out the window and start bedding down with different guys. What kind of advice is that for someone who truly believes in the connection that two people can share on an emotional and physical level? Why would someone suggest that meaningless fornication would make me feel better emotionally?
I have had this conversation a number of times with this individual. Part of me wants to cut him off from my friendship because he still does not respect some of the most basic elements of my personality and beliefs. Another part thinks that we need these individuals to challenge us in our lives to help us stand firm and develop a stronger sense of self.
I think men find sex to be liberating, whereas women find it to be the opposite (generally speaking). I felt shame in showing interest in it, and when someone I believed to be a friend try to force himself on me in college, it took that shame to a heightened level. As I came to terms with what happened and dealt with some trust issues, I began to revere what I was able to preserve through self-defense. It was not something I felt should be given to troops of men. It was something I had saved. It was something that should not be thrown around to any takers who might be present. Granted, this friend didn't know how messed up I was back then. This person didn't see the emotional toll it all had on me and what I learned about myself. I try to explain, but my speech falls on deaf ears.
I want to make him realize that his suggestion feels like an attack, but he misses my point every time. His advice drudges up emotions. The notion that I should let people not build a strong relationship and sense of trust in a committed and loving relationship and just use me for sex or that I should use others in this way absolutely sickens me. Such predatory actions such as these will not heal my broken heart (for which I am responsible) nor will they help to heal the re-emerging pain of the past.
One of my friends suggested, when I was upset tonight, that I throw my morals and values out the window and start bedding down with different guys. What kind of advice is that for someone who truly believes in the connection that two people can share on an emotional and physical level? Why would someone suggest that meaningless fornication would make me feel better emotionally?
I have had this conversation a number of times with this individual. Part of me wants to cut him off from my friendship because he still does not respect some of the most basic elements of my personality and beliefs. Another part thinks that we need these individuals to challenge us in our lives to help us stand firm and develop a stronger sense of self.
I think men find sex to be liberating, whereas women find it to be the opposite (generally speaking). I felt shame in showing interest in it, and when someone I believed to be a friend try to force himself on me in college, it took that shame to a heightened level. As I came to terms with what happened and dealt with some trust issues, I began to revere what I was able to preserve through self-defense. It was not something I felt should be given to troops of men. It was something I had saved. It was something that should not be thrown around to any takers who might be present. Granted, this friend didn't know how messed up I was back then. This person didn't see the emotional toll it all had on me and what I learned about myself. I try to explain, but my speech falls on deaf ears.
I want to make him realize that his suggestion feels like an attack, but he misses my point every time. His advice drudges up emotions. The notion that I should let people not build a strong relationship and sense of trust in a committed and loving relationship and just use me for sex or that I should use others in this way absolutely sickens me. Such predatory actions such as these will not heal my broken heart (for which I am responsible) nor will they help to heal the re-emerging pain of the past.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Enough Analysis
The notion that it is summer vacation has officially sunken in. The trip to the Badlands, Yellowstone, and the Grand Tetons gave me distance and time to think. I have a much clearer picture in my mind of what I want, and yes, much of the change I want to have happen must take place within me.
I didn't feel I missed anyone on my trip. I am not accustomed to not feeling some sort of longing for companionship. I've spent so much my social life going from one long-term relationship to another that I haven't necessarily given myself the much-needed healing time in between them.
Last year, I toyed with the idea of a new relationship too early. I sensed this, but I desperately wanted to feel that there was someone there. I didn't know how to stand alone. It's so strange, too, because I've often felt alone in relationships and have projected a very independent persona.
I didn't feel alone on my trip this summer. In fact, I felt as though I had all I really needed. I am healthy again, despite the high body fat count. The vitamin deficiency that caused problem after problem for me physically and mentally is now completely under control. Yay for that.
I kept beating myself up over not feeling what others wanted me to feel. I felt some emotions quite deeply, but I've reached the point where I can recognize that even though those feelings were things I experienced, they are not everything. I do not have to feel bad about having them or not having them. I constantly want to make other people happy, and I strive to do this on a regular basis. That's not healthy. It's great to try to make someone else's life better, but if they don't do the same for me AND I am not doing the same for myself, then all hope is lost.
I still struggle with the idea that I am upsetting others. I feel like it's my job to fix it, but it can't be. Things don't always work out. I have accepted this, and I no longer want to beat myself up over the issue.
I've started living my life on a day-to-day basis. It's fun to think that I can just enjoy each day rather than try to figure out what to do to make it fit into some larger bracket of time or experiences. The spontaneity is helping me to visit with old friends. If I were to plan such events, I'd put pressure on them and myself to make the event feel a certain way. I refuse to do that. I haven't done that since, perhaps, April or May and my life has grown infinitely better. I'm happier. My friends are happier. They surprise me. I surprise them. It all works out.
Okay, I think I've had enough analysis of my own behavior. It's time to rest. Walking in the morning. I hope to find a new cool spot in this town. And I hope for more spontaneous moments with friends soon.
I didn't feel I missed anyone on my trip. I am not accustomed to not feeling some sort of longing for companionship. I've spent so much my social life going from one long-term relationship to another that I haven't necessarily given myself the much-needed healing time in between them.
Last year, I toyed with the idea of a new relationship too early. I sensed this, but I desperately wanted to feel that there was someone there. I didn't know how to stand alone. It's so strange, too, because I've often felt alone in relationships and have projected a very independent persona.
I didn't feel alone on my trip this summer. In fact, I felt as though I had all I really needed. I am healthy again, despite the high body fat count. The vitamin deficiency that caused problem after problem for me physically and mentally is now completely under control. Yay for that.
I kept beating myself up over not feeling what others wanted me to feel. I felt some emotions quite deeply, but I've reached the point where I can recognize that even though those feelings were things I experienced, they are not everything. I do not have to feel bad about having them or not having them. I constantly want to make other people happy, and I strive to do this on a regular basis. That's not healthy. It's great to try to make someone else's life better, but if they don't do the same for me AND I am not doing the same for myself, then all hope is lost.
I still struggle with the idea that I am upsetting others. I feel like it's my job to fix it, but it can't be. Things don't always work out. I have accepted this, and I no longer want to beat myself up over the issue.
I've started living my life on a day-to-day basis. It's fun to think that I can just enjoy each day rather than try to figure out what to do to make it fit into some larger bracket of time or experiences. The spontaneity is helping me to visit with old friends. If I were to plan such events, I'd put pressure on them and myself to make the event feel a certain way. I refuse to do that. I haven't done that since, perhaps, April or May and my life has grown infinitely better. I'm happier. My friends are happier. They surprise me. I surprise them. It all works out.
Okay, I think I've had enough analysis of my own behavior. It's time to rest. Walking in the morning. I hope to find a new cool spot in this town. And I hope for more spontaneous moments with friends soon.
Monday, June 14, 2010
New Beginnings
Stipulation #12
I will keep your secrets, and I expect you to respect me enough to keep mine.
I will keep your secrets, and I expect you to respect me enough to keep mine.
New Beginnings
Stipulation #11
If you ask me out to dinner and I offer to pay, it is your job to assure me that you want to pay, even if it is an antiquated gesture. Whoever is doing the asking should be doing the paying.
If you ask me out to dinner and I offer to pay, it is your job to assure me that you want to pay, even if it is an antiquated gesture. Whoever is doing the asking should be doing the paying.
New Beginnings
Stipulation #10
You need to stimulate me both mentally and physically. Spiritually would be nice, too.
You need to stimulate me both mentally and physically. Spiritually would be nice, too.
New Beginnings
Stipulation #9
I need a man who finds my inquisitive nature and high need for mental stimulation fascinating and charming -- not "annoying."
I need a man who finds my inquisitive nature and high need for mental stimulation fascinating and charming -- not "annoying."
Monday, June 07, 2010
New Beginnings
Stipulation #8
Do not criticize my frugal nature. I have survived almost 30 years with money in the bank. I could live quite easily on a low income. That is a good thing.
Do not criticize my frugal nature. I have survived almost 30 years with money in the bank. I could live quite easily on a low income. That is a good thing.
New Beginnings
Stipulation #7
While I do not necessarily enjoy getting flowers (ooh...dead flower vaginas), it might be nice to get me flowers once-in-a-great-while, just for the novelty of it all. You don't have to buy them. In fact, I like hand-picked flowers from a garden (not a stranger's and WITH permission) much more.
While I do not necessarily enjoy getting flowers (ooh...dead flower vaginas), it might be nice to get me flowers once-in-a-great-while, just for the novelty of it all. You don't have to buy them. In fact, I like hand-picked flowers from a garden (not a stranger's and WITH permission) much more.
Friday, June 04, 2010
New Beginnings
Stipulation #6
If I ask you to tell me five things you have learned about me, you had better be able to tell me something.
If I ask you to tell me five things you have learned about me, you had better be able to tell me something.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
New Beginnings
Stipulation #4
I will be your partner - not your parent. Do not expect me to take care of your responsibilities.
I will be your partner - not your parent. Do not expect me to take care of your responsibilities.
Monday, May 31, 2010
New Beginnings
Stipulation #3
You must accompany me to events I enjoy (not every single one) to show that you support and enjoy who I am as an individual. Conversely, I will attend events you enjoy because I want to share moments you enjoy, too.
You must accompany me to events I enjoy (not every single one) to show that you support and enjoy who I am as an individual. Conversely, I will attend events you enjoy because I want to share moments you enjoy, too.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
New Beginnings
Stipulation #2
You need to have your life in order, even if you are still working toward a degree or some sort of license for a sustainable career and income.
You need to have your life in order, even if you are still working toward a degree or some sort of license for a sustainable career and income.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
New Beginnings
Stipulation #1
If you haven't decided within a year that what we have is headed toward marriage, there is no reason to stay together. I'm not going to waste any more time on anyone who doesn't have the conviction to follow through.
If you haven't decided within a year that what we have is headed toward marriage, there is no reason to stay together. I'm not going to waste any more time on anyone who doesn't have the conviction to follow through.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Recurring Dream
I am no stranger to recurring dreams, even though the loss of teeth dream hasn't been a regular for some years. The latest dream is that I forget where I've parked my car in downtown Ann Arbor (although it's quite hilly on some streets). It's winter, and snow is piled high everywhere. It's dark, and I am desperately trying to find my car because I have to go to work.
Sometimes, I experience slight variations...traveling with a small group of musicians, running from someone who has stolen my shoes, moving in slow motion while everyone else functions at regular speed...
I have no sense of direction in these dreams, and I know how that relates to my life. I don't know what it means that my car is simply gone from all of the places.
Sometimes, I experience slight variations...traveling with a small group of musicians, running from someone who has stolen my shoes, moving in slow motion while everyone else functions at regular speed...
I have no sense of direction in these dreams, and I know how that relates to my life. I don't know what it means that my car is simply gone from all of the places.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friend
Please don't ignore me. You've always had a princess mentality, despite definitely not being a princess. Perhaps you never got to be one in a father's or a lover's eye. That has nothing to do with me, and it has never really gotten in the way.
We used to be good friends. Then you thought you were too good for all of us.
I just want my friend back. I want to be able to confide in someone who understands the different dimensions of it all. You were always that person.
I've always had your back; however, I now wonder if you've ever had mine.
I really need my friend.
I'm probably the one who ruined it all. I held back the things that would help you to fully understand my predicament. It's not a class thing. I respect anyone who stands where they are and strives for something. I can't tell you. I can't share because it's not mine to share. It affects me, though. It affects my future. It affects the parts of my life that I have yet to experience...that I want to experience.
We used to be good friends. Then you thought you were too good for all of us.
I just want my friend back. I want to be able to confide in someone who understands the different dimensions of it all. You were always that person.
I've always had your back; however, I now wonder if you've ever had mine.
I really need my friend.
I'm probably the one who ruined it all. I held back the things that would help you to fully understand my predicament. It's not a class thing. I respect anyone who stands where they are and strives for something. I can't tell you. I can't share because it's not mine to share. It affects me, though. It affects my future. It affects the parts of my life that I have yet to experience...that I want to experience.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Arguments, Disappoint, Declined Invitations...
I think I feel down lately because I am sick. I just got over something, it is seems that another cold was just waiting for its moment.
I invited someone out for an evening, but he declined. I was sad about this, but I will get over it.
I was invited out to dinner by someone who has not asked to see me in a long time. I wasn't feeling well at that point, so I declined.
I don't think anyone understands how I work, and I feel disappointed.
On top of this strange turn of events today, I got into an argument with a friend. He expressed that I make(or will make) too much in my profession. I think people fail to understand that teachers are paid a 10-month salary. Most of us request that our paychecks be spaced out over the summer so that we can balance our monthly budgets. It's a 10-month (9 full month) salary, folks. It's not an annual salary - that's why we are not paid what others are paid for having to acquire the same amount of training and degrees. Get a clue, people!
I invited someone out for an evening, but he declined. I was sad about this, but I will get over it.
I was invited out to dinner by someone who has not asked to see me in a long time. I wasn't feeling well at that point, so I declined.
I don't think anyone understands how I work, and I feel disappointed.
On top of this strange turn of events today, I got into an argument with a friend. He expressed that I make(or will make) too much in my profession. I think people fail to understand that teachers are paid a 10-month salary. Most of us request that our paychecks be spaced out over the summer so that we can balance our monthly budgets. It's a 10-month (9 full month) salary, folks. It's not an annual salary - that's why we are not paid what others are paid for having to acquire the same amount of training and degrees. Get a clue, people!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Still
I'm not accustomed to the "bad" days anymore. I set my expectations too high for the circumstances of my life today, and I felt really depressed this evening when things didn't pan out the way I had envisioned.
I am so tired of standing still.
I am so tired of standing still.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
almost there
I used to be in control of almost every aspect of my life. I felt it necessary to have this control, even though it was destroying me. Since my life, pretty much, fell apart over a year ago, I've been focusing on only controlling the parts of my life that are my responsibility.
The deep level of unhappiness I experienced was not healthy, but I enjoyed the control. I had people wrapped around my finger.
I now feel much happier on a daily basis. I miss some of the aspects of the life I used to lead, and I've tried to regain them. I've failed. I no longer have anyone wrapped around any finger, and I feel irritated by this when I should be pleased that I no longer feel as though I am manipulating anyone. Every experience is supposed to be based on a partnership - with nature, with other people, etc.
I remember having a healthy outlook on the world a long time ago. I remember feeling that tug-of-war in a healthy way. I changed, fundamentally. I became scared of adventure, power struggles, and new experiences. I let these things take over the positive life experiences I had.
That is part of my decision to plan a road trip for the summer. I want to be alone. I want to push myself back out into the world that I want to trust and experience in a way I wasn't ready to do ten years ago - in a way I still wasn't ready to do one year ago.
I'm stronger now.
The deep level of unhappiness I experienced was not healthy, but I enjoyed the control. I had people wrapped around my finger.
I now feel much happier on a daily basis. I miss some of the aspects of the life I used to lead, and I've tried to regain them. I've failed. I no longer have anyone wrapped around any finger, and I feel irritated by this when I should be pleased that I no longer feel as though I am manipulating anyone. Every experience is supposed to be based on a partnership - with nature, with other people, etc.
I remember having a healthy outlook on the world a long time ago. I remember feeling that tug-of-war in a healthy way. I changed, fundamentally. I became scared of adventure, power struggles, and new experiences. I let these things take over the positive life experiences I had.
That is part of my decision to plan a road trip for the summer. I want to be alone. I want to push myself back out into the world that I want to trust and experience in a way I wasn't ready to do ten years ago - in a way I still wasn't ready to do one year ago.
I'm stronger now.
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Better
Life seems to be getting better on many fronts, but I am still left without a solid direction. I want to somehow transport myself five years into the future. I want to be married. I want to have children. I want to be far into my Ph.D. program. I just don't know how to make it all happen.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Vegemite, anyone?
I am working on detaching from almost everything in my life. This sensation isn't unfamiliar, but it isn't common, either. I am supposed to finish my MA this next week. The truth is that I will probably be asking my graduate adviser for an extension for the final pieces. I will be ready to present what I have completed during my time on Tuesday. I will not, however, be ready to go through the official sign-off.
My stress level makes it impossible to sleep on a normal schedule, and my lack of a solidly structured life makes it impossible for me to be completely productive in my endeavors.
My vitamin deficiency is causing a few problems, even though I have been taking extra vitamins as the season has been changing. I think this will be a battle for the rest of my life. Life would probably be much easier if I would just start eating meat again. I didn't eat much of it when I did eat me, though, so I still see myself having the same problem.
I am actually a bundle of emotions lately, but I am stuffing them away so that I can get things done. I know that bottling things up will not help me in the long run (all the different doctors I spoke with over the past year tell me so), but I just don't feel like telling anyone anything about why I am so overwhelmed. I'm more interested in finding out what is going on with my friends. I am more interested in letting my life and my problems be private. If other people really cared, they would ask me, right?
The people who are my "closest friends" don't really have time for me because of what they have created for their own lives.
My stress level makes it impossible to sleep on a normal schedule, and my lack of a solidly structured life makes it impossible for me to be completely productive in my endeavors.
My vitamin deficiency is causing a few problems, even though I have been taking extra vitamins as the season has been changing. I think this will be a battle for the rest of my life. Life would probably be much easier if I would just start eating meat again. I didn't eat much of it when I did eat me, though, so I still see myself having the same problem.
I am actually a bundle of emotions lately, but I am stuffing them away so that I can get things done. I know that bottling things up will not help me in the long run (all the different doctors I spoke with over the past year tell me so), but I just don't feel like telling anyone anything about why I am so overwhelmed. I'm more interested in finding out what is going on with my friends. I am more interested in letting my life and my problems be private. If other people really cared, they would ask me, right?
The people who are my "closest friends" don't really have time for me because of what they have created for their own lives.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
March/April To-Do List
Revise Human Subjects Application, send back to Ellen for approval
Complete graduate research on research subjects
Write final graduate thesis
Create written document for audience
Write final graduate presentation (April 20th will be here before I know it!)
Petition the dean of the graduate school for one special topics class to be allowed in program
Lesson plans
Common exams
Grade student work
Decide on where I will have my bridesmaid dress pressed as I have two options I am considering (I'm hoping they simply steam it, because if they press it with anything iron-like, they risk discoloring it.)
Help plan a bachelorette party for April
Graduation on April 25
Create themed basket for bridal shower
Bridal shower on April 24
Make-up demonstration observation on April 17
Attend class every week
Prepare for concert in May
Publicity for concert
Let my ukulele group know that I will be skipping the next couple of meetings to get everything done.
Register for the foreign language methods class
Apply for loan forgiveness for public educators
Apply for professional certificate
Apply for new jobs
Submit master's paperwork to school district
Celebrate Mom's birthday 4/23
Bachelorette party 4/23
Go to the foot doctor to treat what seems to be a heel spur
Touch up hair color before wedding to make sure color is even.
Ride bike daily
HS staff meetings scheduled (4 total)
Dept. meetings scheduled (4 total)
End of marking period 3 = March 26
Spring Break = first week of April.
Find out hair style for wedding and have mom practice it several times.
Find out jewelry choices for wedding (earrings, necklace, bracelet, ring options)
Buy a new strapless bra
Complete graduate research on research subjects
Write final graduate thesis
Create written document for audience
Write final graduate presentation (April 20th will be here before I know it!)
Petition the dean of the graduate school for one special topics class to be allowed in program
Lesson plans
Common exams
Grade student work
Decide on where I will have my bridesmaid dress pressed as I have two options I am considering (I'm hoping they simply steam it, because if they press it with anything iron-like, they risk discoloring it.)
Help plan a bachelorette party for April
Graduation on April 25
Create themed basket for bridal shower
Bridal shower on April 24
Make-up demonstration observation on April 17
Attend class every week
Prepare for concert in May
Publicity for concert
Let my ukulele group know that I will be skipping the next couple of meetings to get everything done.
Register for the foreign language methods class
Apply for loan forgiveness for public educators
Apply for professional certificate
Apply for new jobs
Submit master's paperwork to school district
Celebrate Mom's birthday 4/23
Bachelorette party 4/23
Go to the foot doctor to treat what seems to be a heel spur
Touch up hair color before wedding to make sure color is even.
Ride bike daily
HS staff meetings scheduled (4 total)
Dept. meetings scheduled (4 total)
End of marking period 3 = March 26
Spring Break = first week of April.
Find out hair style for wedding and have mom practice it several times.
Find out jewelry choices for wedding (earrings, necklace, bracelet, ring options)
Buy a new strapless bra
Sunday, February 28, 2010
grad school
So, I received my graduation audit back. Apparently, my graduate adviser never submitted some paperwork that would put me in place to graduate in April. I now have to get on her case and get her to get things in this coming week.
I am DONE with the program. There are no other classes I can take, but she didn't put in "waiver" forms for some of the classes she herself had substituted for four of us.
Grrr!
I am DONE with the program. There are no other classes I can take, but she didn't put in "waiver" forms for some of the classes she herself had substituted for four of us.
Grrr!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Cats
My cat Natalie seems to understand the nature of questions in that they demand a response. She often does not respond to statements. She does follow commands (usually) without commentary. When I ask questions, though, she is incredibly chatty. This is not a new observation, but it seems worthy of a revisit today because she is talking a lot. I still have no real idea what she is replying, but she controls the sound and volume of her murmurs and meows to convey some sort of message.
She greets me at the door when I get home and makes a meow-chirp noise that I can only assume means "Hello" as it is two syllables. I wonder how much is mimicry and how much is true understanding of sound communication. I adopted her from the Humane Society on the earliest day they would allow me to, so it's safe to say that she didn't have a lot of influence from other cats as she matured.
Alison, on the other hand, is an extremely quiet animal when it comes to meowing. I didn't get her until she was, perhaps, 7 months old. She had been returned to the Humane Society from another family. She is still accustomed to being held like a baby and being "dolled" up, which tells me that there was probably a young girl with whom she lived prior to being added to my family. When she sees little girls with long, blond hair on TV, she has run up to them and started purring. I find this quirk a little odd for any animal.
There were some behavioral problems for the first year or so, and I am certain that she was abused. She even used to cower and run if she did happen to make a meowing noise. It was not in play, either. Her irrational fear of normal household items has taken many years to train away. Peeing herself when she'd see a broom or rolled up magazine or newspaper was almost enough to make me take her back to the HS, but I made a commitment to the animal, and I did not break it. She no longer fears me or these objects, although she hasn't warmed up to the broom, even though it is no longer a threat.
The noises she makes are based on what she can manipulate with her paws. She loves plastic bags and seems to enjoy crinkling them early in the morning they way young children do to irritate parents or siblings. I have found stores of bags tucked away in places I can barely reach, so there is some prankster-like attitude in her character.
Why did I write all this? I don't know. Perhaps Natalie's responses to my questions earlier today got me thinking or perhaps I am trying to avoid writing lesson plans.
She greets me at the door when I get home and makes a meow-chirp noise that I can only assume means "Hello" as it is two syllables. I wonder how much is mimicry and how much is true understanding of sound communication. I adopted her from the Humane Society on the earliest day they would allow me to, so it's safe to say that she didn't have a lot of influence from other cats as she matured.
Alison, on the other hand, is an extremely quiet animal when it comes to meowing. I didn't get her until she was, perhaps, 7 months old. She had been returned to the Humane Society from another family. She is still accustomed to being held like a baby and being "dolled" up, which tells me that there was probably a young girl with whom she lived prior to being added to my family. When she sees little girls with long, blond hair on TV, she has run up to them and started purring. I find this quirk a little odd for any animal.
There were some behavioral problems for the first year or so, and I am certain that she was abused. She even used to cower and run if she did happen to make a meowing noise. It was not in play, either. Her irrational fear of normal household items has taken many years to train away. Peeing herself when she'd see a broom or rolled up magazine or newspaper was almost enough to make me take her back to the HS, but I made a commitment to the animal, and I did not break it. She no longer fears me or these objects, although she hasn't warmed up to the broom, even though it is no longer a threat.
The noises she makes are based on what she can manipulate with her paws. She loves plastic bags and seems to enjoy crinkling them early in the morning they way young children do to irritate parents or siblings. I have found stores of bags tucked away in places I can barely reach, so there is some prankster-like attitude in her character.
Why did I write all this? I don't know. Perhaps Natalie's responses to my questions earlier today got me thinking or perhaps I am trying to avoid writing lesson plans.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
February 2010
I am feeling somewhat in control of different aspects of my life.
Final grad project is well under way!
Emotions are not running too high lately, but when they do, I am not running to others.
I have plans for this weekend.
I absolutely LOVE my new glasses. I'm still adjusting to the new prescription, but the geeky frames suit me.
Band is going well. I am the publicist. I volunteered for the job!
I am mastering more knitting patterns.
I am starting to cook more. I love making homemade vegetable soup (the Crock pot does most of the work, though).
I am getting more sleep than usual, which is really great.
I am now actively involved in getting my life moving forward. There is still a lot to do, but I am definitely tackling each new obstacle.
I am distancing myself from a few people who make me feel anxious, nervous, or just plain angry. I have a choice in the matter (most of the time).
Final grad project is well under way!
Emotions are not running too high lately, but when they do, I am not running to others.
I have plans for this weekend.
I absolutely LOVE my new glasses. I'm still adjusting to the new prescription, but the geeky frames suit me.
Band is going well. I am the publicist. I volunteered for the job!
I am mastering more knitting patterns.
I am starting to cook more. I love making homemade vegetable soup (the Crock pot does most of the work, though).
I am getting more sleep than usual, which is really great.
I am now actively involved in getting my life moving forward. There is still a lot to do, but I am definitely tackling each new obstacle.
I am distancing myself from a few people who make me feel anxious, nervous, or just plain angry. I have a choice in the matter (most of the time).
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Do svidaniya
I received an odd email today through meetup. This site is not a place for singles to meet; it is simply a collection of groups for people to join. I found my current ukulele group as well as a variety of knitting and drumming groups I have yet to join. The email was from some 30-year-old man in my city who, apparently, wants to meet me. This message took me by complete surprise. It was somewhat of a pick-me-up, but it also brought on a sudden feeling of paranoia. I have no idea who this person is, but he found me through the ukulele group. He had suggested to his mother (who is a hand-drummer) to send me an invitation to a local drumming circle event so that we might have the opportunity to meet. When the drum circle was canceled at the last minute, he decided to email me directly.
Now, I am all for people going after what they want. In fact, I encourage people to stand up and take those risks because, let's face it, life doesn't present all the opportunities we'd like. Sometimes we have to jump start our lives a little. What makes me feel uncomfortable is that this person knows where I plan to be later on in February. If this individual is unbalanced in any way, that puts my safety at risk.
I have no intention of contacting this person, but I did some digging into his background just to find out if he is real. He appears to be what he claimed in the message. He is, in fact, in the IT field. He has his own business. I found him on MySpace. The page appeared legitimate, and I looked at pictures. I do not intend to contact this man, and it is good to now have a picture in mind should I pass him on sidewalk as I walk around Ann Arbor.
I have a strange history of attracting odd characters, and I think that this is just a new one to add to the list. If Beck were to read this, she'd probably label him "Weirdo # something" as she used to do in college. I have a truly wary nature about men. I've never dated anyone who was not first a friend, and I have no intention of breaking from tradition. In all actuality, I don't know where I stand in the whole dating thing, and I am enjoying not being set in any solid direction. I do things because I want to do them - without obligation.
I have decided to be passive about the whole thing. I will not send a message back, even though I've always been taught that it is rude to not return correspondence. In this case, I am not acquainted with the person and I did not solicit any contact. Therefore, it is justifiable to not contact this man. If we were friends or acquaintances, then some sort of polite refusal or acceptance of a date would be in order.
In his closing, he said "Do svidaniya." There were some instances of language differences that suggested he is from another country, but he seems to have a very solid grasp of American English, which suggests that he moved here while he was still quite young. His parting words struck me, though, because most people believe that do svidaniya means good-bye forever. It really means the same as the German "Auf Wiedersehen!" or until we meet again. Do the Russians have a word or phrase for good-bye that doesn't suggest a later meeting?
Now, I am all for people going after what they want. In fact, I encourage people to stand up and take those risks because, let's face it, life doesn't present all the opportunities we'd like. Sometimes we have to jump start our lives a little. What makes me feel uncomfortable is that this person knows where I plan to be later on in February. If this individual is unbalanced in any way, that puts my safety at risk.
I have no intention of contacting this person, but I did some digging into his background just to find out if he is real. He appears to be what he claimed in the message. He is, in fact, in the IT field. He has his own business. I found him on MySpace. The page appeared legitimate, and I looked at pictures. I do not intend to contact this man, and it is good to now have a picture in mind should I pass him on sidewalk as I walk around Ann Arbor.
I have a strange history of attracting odd characters, and I think that this is just a new one to add to the list. If Beck were to read this, she'd probably label him "Weirdo # something" as she used to do in college. I have a truly wary nature about men. I've never dated anyone who was not first a friend, and I have no intention of breaking from tradition. In all actuality, I don't know where I stand in the whole dating thing, and I am enjoying not being set in any solid direction. I do things because I want to do them - without obligation.
I have decided to be passive about the whole thing. I will not send a message back, even though I've always been taught that it is rude to not return correspondence. In this case, I am not acquainted with the person and I did not solicit any contact. Therefore, it is justifiable to not contact this man. If we were friends or acquaintances, then some sort of polite refusal or acceptance of a date would be in order.
In his closing, he said "Do svidaniya." There were some instances of language differences that suggested he is from another country, but he seems to have a very solid grasp of American English, which suggests that he moved here while he was still quite young. His parting words struck me, though, because most people believe that do svidaniya means good-bye forever. It really means the same as the German "Auf Wiedersehen!" or until we meet again. Do the Russians have a word or phrase for good-bye that doesn't suggest a later meeting?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Hello, Universe. I see you again.
Tonight marked the first marching band reunion. A handful of people showed up, and it was wonderful to sit and talk with people I haven't seen in years.
I was truly thrilled when I saw a familiar non-band face. Jeff P. and I have been out of contact since our graduation (he and I were paired for the stage part of commencement). We sat and talked, and I cannot tell how thrilling it was to talk to him. He was planning to meet a couple of his friends (one showed up for a few minutes - it was Rob C.!). I talked with both of them for a couple of minutes. I really felt as though the universe was putting me where I belong. I notice this phenomenon every so often when coincidences fall into place.
Later conversation with some of the guests of our own party made me feel connected to something greater. Todd S. and I spoke of our shared students (he at the middle school last year and I at the high school this year).
I was right where I was supposed to be...and it was a sensation that will help me to make decisions this upcoming year.
I was truly thrilled when I saw a familiar non-band face. Jeff P. and I have been out of contact since our graduation (he and I were paired for the stage part of commencement). We sat and talked, and I cannot tell how thrilling it was to talk to him. He was planning to meet a couple of his friends (one showed up for a few minutes - it was Rob C.!). I talked with both of them for a couple of minutes. I really felt as though the universe was putting me where I belong. I notice this phenomenon every so often when coincidences fall into place.
Later conversation with some of the guests of our own party made me feel connected to something greater. Todd S. and I spoke of our shared students (he at the middle school last year and I at the high school this year).
I was right where I was supposed to be...and it was a sensation that will help me to make decisions this upcoming year.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Is There Anybody Out There?
I am spending Christmas Day alone. My family gathered last night at my place for dinner. I didn't think I would feel so depressed right now. I don't feel like I am a part of anything like I should be today.
Instead, I am sitting in near silence with my cats. I keep adding wood the fire (I do love having a fireplace), and I am hoping some friends (or, even, my parents) just stop by. I have plenty of food and wine, and it would be nice to share in some holiday cheer.
Perhaps I will just nap away the day.
I can drink and be merry tomorrow when I meet a bunch of old friends in Plymouth. Today will be my rest day.
Instead, I am sitting in near silence with my cats. I keep adding wood the fire (I do love having a fireplace), and I am hoping some friends (or, even, my parents) just stop by. I have plenty of food and wine, and it would be nice to share in some holiday cheer.
Perhaps I will just nap away the day.
I can drink and be merry tomorrow when I meet a bunch of old friends in Plymouth. Today will be my rest day.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
2009 coming a close
It's time to take stock of our lives again, folks. It's time to decide what things need work, what things need to be left behind, and what we will make for our future.
For me, 2010 will include:
Earning my MA in April
Bridal showers
Two weddings (I will be a bridesmaid again.)
Lay-off from work in June (It's much easier to stomach knowing that this will happen year after year for a while.)
A new place to hang out in Farmington Hills (a good friend just got his own place there).
If I choose from my present, I could have:
A relationship with my ex, but I'd have to cut off all contact with someone else (and stop attending things that I enjoy on the off-chance that the someone else might be there). There are so many reasons why I stayed with him over the past decade. Many of those reasons are rooted in the foundation that is us.
A relationship with the someone else. I fear I would keep pushing this person in ways that he is not altogether familiar - I don't like standing still, and I see that as a potential problem.
A life being truly single with no one occupying my time.
A relationship with someone brand new, but I have major trust issues and cannot fully get into a relationship with anyone who is not, at least, a friend for a long period of time.
I haven't yet decided what it is that I will not have in 2010. That is where the work truly starts.
For me, 2010 will include:
Earning my MA in April
Bridal showers
Two weddings (I will be a bridesmaid again.)
Lay-off from work in June (It's much easier to stomach knowing that this will happen year after year for a while.)
A new place to hang out in Farmington Hills (a good friend just got his own place there).
If I choose from my present, I could have:
A relationship with my ex, but I'd have to cut off all contact with someone else (and stop attending things that I enjoy on the off-chance that the someone else might be there). There are so many reasons why I stayed with him over the past decade. Many of those reasons are rooted in the foundation that is us.
A relationship with the someone else. I fear I would keep pushing this person in ways that he is not altogether familiar - I don't like standing still, and I see that as a potential problem.
A life being truly single with no one occupying my time.
A relationship with someone brand new, but I have major trust issues and cannot fully get into a relationship with anyone who is not, at least, a friend for a long period of time.
I haven't yet decided what it is that I will not have in 2010. That is where the work truly starts.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Day One
Day One of my holiday vacation. So far, I haven't really accomplished anything. Instead, I am wrapped up in a blanket. My cold from a couple of weeks ago is still lingering, and today it feels worse. I am coughing more than usual, and my head hurts.
I will not be attending The Underdog's show tonight. I was considering going, but not feeling well has since removed it from my to-do list. I'd rather stay home and get some much-needed rest.
I will not be attending The Underdog's show tonight. I was considering going, but not feeling well has since removed it from my to-do list. I'd rather stay home and get some much-needed rest.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Fed Up
I've been listening to someone recently who keeps saying how he wants something more than what he has. I asked if he wanted my help since I spend every day helping people get where they plan to go. He said yes. I offer information, guidance, resources, etc. He does absolutely nothing with any of these things, telling me I don't understand. He doesn't like that I have a plan to help him move beyond his excuses.
I unleashed some of my frustration at this person today over the phone when I, once again, was trying to show him how to go about doing something that he says he wants to do. When he came back with the same stupid excuses that don't actually follow logic, I pointed out that he is just lazy and not willing to work toward anything better. I told him I have no sympathy for him. He is determined to stay at the bottom of the food chain. I told him that if he truly wants something better, he is the one who has to change because the world isn't going to change for him.
He became angry with me, and I understand that he truly wants me to believe that he is incapable of doing anything more productive with his life. I offer no pity, and that probably frustrated him further.
I just truly believe that we are ultimately responsible for the situations of our life. Those who choose to not go to school and move up the economic ladder make that choice by not seeking out avenues for loans, No Worker Left Behind programs, and other work-study options. Those who stick around in the same job that offers no medical benefits packages and no training funds get no sympathy, either. Minimum wage jobs are out there that do offer these things to their employees. One just has to seek them out and be professional enough to land the job.
Beyond this, there are cost-saving methods that will allow for one to squirrel money away. Rebates for products, necessary services, and medications help. One just has to keep track of everything. Not buying frivolous things that do not serve to shelter or feed someone will help. Creating a skill or craft that is easy, i.e. knitting. People spend all kinds of money on homemade scarves at craft shows. Yes, men are not typically knitters, but it is simple and can be done while watching TV, talking on the phone, etc. Six dollars in yarn can net fifteen to twenty dollars for some sort of product. Granted that factors one's time into it, but if you are doing something else for yourself during that time, it's a win-win situation.
Selling unused items at sales, on ebay, or through Amazon works well. People are always looking for things, and it is nice to get money for the stuff you don't plan to use ever again.
Get a second job! If you have the time, then earn some extra cash for those items in the future that you know you will need.
Volunteer with an organization. While the pay is absolutely terrible, organizations will routinely train their people in some area, so you can learn a trade or something and use that for a later job.
Check the continuing education classes at local schools. I decided in 1999 or 2000 to take Jeremy on a date. We went to a forklift training class that was offered through KVCC for %5.00 each. We both enjoyed a hearty breakfast and a hearty lunch (definitely worth more than $5.00!!!) and gained a certification we could take with us to a job, if necessary. It was boring in parts, but we learned something new. I even found an error in operator usage with maximum weight loads and helped change the legal regulations (am I awesome or what!?!).
No Worker Left Behind is an incredible program and is completely free. There is no excuse to not use it if you are earning less than 40K.
Use coupons whenever possible.
Save change and actually use it to buy things you need.
Join a local freecycle or ecycle group on yahoo to find items that other people are simply discarding before they turn it into trash. The WesternWayne one is great, as well as the two A2 groups. People request things and other people offer. All one has to do is contact the people. It's wonderful. I received grapevines that I planted in my backyard. I am excited because the guy was just going to throw them in the compost heap. I was able to salvage something that may just result in fresh grapes in my own backyard.
What a frustrating day!
I unleashed some of my frustration at this person today over the phone when I, once again, was trying to show him how to go about doing something that he says he wants to do. When he came back with the same stupid excuses that don't actually follow logic, I pointed out that he is just lazy and not willing to work toward anything better. I told him I have no sympathy for him. He is determined to stay at the bottom of the food chain. I told him that if he truly wants something better, he is the one who has to change because the world isn't going to change for him.
He became angry with me, and I understand that he truly wants me to believe that he is incapable of doing anything more productive with his life. I offer no pity, and that probably frustrated him further.
I just truly believe that we are ultimately responsible for the situations of our life. Those who choose to not go to school and move up the economic ladder make that choice by not seeking out avenues for loans, No Worker Left Behind programs, and other work-study options. Those who stick around in the same job that offers no medical benefits packages and no training funds get no sympathy, either. Minimum wage jobs are out there that do offer these things to their employees. One just has to seek them out and be professional enough to land the job.
Beyond this, there are cost-saving methods that will allow for one to squirrel money away. Rebates for products, necessary services, and medications help. One just has to keep track of everything. Not buying frivolous things that do not serve to shelter or feed someone will help. Creating a skill or craft that is easy, i.e. knitting. People spend all kinds of money on homemade scarves at craft shows. Yes, men are not typically knitters, but it is simple and can be done while watching TV, talking on the phone, etc. Six dollars in yarn can net fifteen to twenty dollars for some sort of product. Granted that factors one's time into it, but if you are doing something else for yourself during that time, it's a win-win situation.
Selling unused items at sales, on ebay, or through Amazon works well. People are always looking for things, and it is nice to get money for the stuff you don't plan to use ever again.
Get a second job! If you have the time, then earn some extra cash for those items in the future that you know you will need.
Volunteer with an organization. While the pay is absolutely terrible, organizations will routinely train their people in some area, so you can learn a trade or something and use that for a later job.
Check the continuing education classes at local schools. I decided in 1999 or 2000 to take Jeremy on a date. We went to a forklift training class that was offered through KVCC for %5.00 each. We both enjoyed a hearty breakfast and a hearty lunch (definitely worth more than $5.00!!!) and gained a certification we could take with us to a job, if necessary. It was boring in parts, but we learned something new. I even found an error in operator usage with maximum weight loads and helped change the legal regulations (am I awesome or what!?!).
No Worker Left Behind is an incredible program and is completely free. There is no excuse to not use it if you are earning less than 40K.
Use coupons whenever possible.
Save change and actually use it to buy things you need.
Join a local freecycle or ecycle group on yahoo to find items that other people are simply discarding before they turn it into trash. The WesternWayne one is great, as well as the two A2 groups. People request things and other people offer. All one has to do is contact the people. It's wonderful. I received grapevines that I planted in my backyard. I am excited because the guy was just going to throw them in the compost heap. I was able to salvage something that may just result in fresh grapes in my own backyard.
What a frustrating day!
Sunday, December 06, 2009
The Universe and Cough Drops
I have a cold. It's not the worst cold I've ever suffered through, but every cold is miserable to some extent. I feel that I wasted all of my Saturday. I drank lots of fluids and slept most of the day.
I woke early this morning and bundled up to walk myself to the store for cold medicine. I prefer Advil Cold & Sinus, so I headed to the pharmacy area, silently hoping I wouldn't have to go through all of the hassle of showing an ID, signing a statement, etc., but no such luck. The woman scanning everything couldn't seem to get things moving quickly, which is quite bothersome when one is already feeling irritable and uncomfortable.
I was pleased with myself for having walked to the store. I was also pleased that, when I reached home, I brought in the glass top for my patio furniture as well as the umbrella. I have been putting that off for some time now. I think I was hoping for more unseasonably warm days. I have yet to bring in the chairs, table stand, and umbrella stand. I don't yet have a place for those items in my basement.
I took a couple of the Advil pills and sat down to read the post cards on Postsecret. I started this Sunday morning ritual years ago, always searching for my secret - NOT that I have ever sent one in, but one from someone else who simply has experienced the same things and feels the same about life right now. I still have not found anyone that matches completely. It makes me feel alone.
Perhaps I should write in. I don't know what I would say, though. I have a tendency to blurt things out, even when I know what I say will hurt others. I don't like holding back.
My major problem is that I don't know where I belong. Do I belong in some other country at this point in my life? Do I belong here? Who am I supposed to spend New Year's Eve with? How will I know if I am making the right choices for my life? I'm constantly unsure of myself. I cannot recall a time when I felt so uncertain. Do I really want to keep teaching in K-12? Do I care enough to teach? Why do I feel empty at work? Why am I holding other people's secrets? Why do I have to keep them secret in my decision-making process for everything in my life? I feel weighed down by other people's circumstances, and yes, while I do believe that we are ultimately responsible for any and all of the garbage we are in as individuals, I can't help but feel that my emotions and my logic are constantly battling over these things.
The Advil has kicked in. I know this because I am starting to cry. I wish that medication affected me in normal ways - just alleviating symptoms of different ailments. Lucky me, everything has an odd effect. Sudafed makes me giggly and unable to focus on things. It makes my ears ring, as well. NyQuil keeps me awake. DayQuil makes me shaky and drowsy, but it's difficult to fall asleep without having nightmares. Benadryl makes my eyes hurt. Tylenol makes my stomach ache. Advil makes me weepy. Cough drops discolor my teeth and wear away the enamel very quickly (my dentist has told me I shouldn't use them at all). Store brands also have funky effects, too. I should submit to testing at U of M or something. I'm sure that I probably have some weird chemistry in my brain or some hormone is not being produced the right way. In any case, I think I will enjoy my sobbing because I can still move around and get some work done.
Sorry for the rant. It's been a while.
Oh, universe, please give me a sign. Tell me what I am supposed to do with my life.
I woke early this morning and bundled up to walk myself to the store for cold medicine. I prefer Advil Cold & Sinus, so I headed to the pharmacy area, silently hoping I wouldn't have to go through all of the hassle of showing an ID, signing a statement, etc., but no such luck. The woman scanning everything couldn't seem to get things moving quickly, which is quite bothersome when one is already feeling irritable and uncomfortable.
I was pleased with myself for having walked to the store. I was also pleased that, when I reached home, I brought in the glass top for my patio furniture as well as the umbrella. I have been putting that off for some time now. I think I was hoping for more unseasonably warm days. I have yet to bring in the chairs, table stand, and umbrella stand. I don't yet have a place for those items in my basement.
I took a couple of the Advil pills and sat down to read the post cards on Postsecret. I started this Sunday morning ritual years ago, always searching for my secret - NOT that I have ever sent one in, but one from someone else who simply has experienced the same things and feels the same about life right now. I still have not found anyone that matches completely. It makes me feel alone.
Perhaps I should write in. I don't know what I would say, though. I have a tendency to blurt things out, even when I know what I say will hurt others. I don't like holding back.
My major problem is that I don't know where I belong. Do I belong in some other country at this point in my life? Do I belong here? Who am I supposed to spend New Year's Eve with? How will I know if I am making the right choices for my life? I'm constantly unsure of myself. I cannot recall a time when I felt so uncertain. Do I really want to keep teaching in K-12? Do I care enough to teach? Why do I feel empty at work? Why am I holding other people's secrets? Why do I have to keep them secret in my decision-making process for everything in my life? I feel weighed down by other people's circumstances, and yes, while I do believe that we are ultimately responsible for any and all of the garbage we are in as individuals, I can't help but feel that my emotions and my logic are constantly battling over these things.
The Advil has kicked in. I know this because I am starting to cry. I wish that medication affected me in normal ways - just alleviating symptoms of different ailments. Lucky me, everything has an odd effect. Sudafed makes me giggly and unable to focus on things. It makes my ears ring, as well. NyQuil keeps me awake. DayQuil makes me shaky and drowsy, but it's difficult to fall asleep without having nightmares. Benadryl makes my eyes hurt. Tylenol makes my stomach ache. Advil makes me weepy. Cough drops discolor my teeth and wear away the enamel very quickly (my dentist has told me I shouldn't use them at all). Store brands also have funky effects, too. I should submit to testing at U of M or something. I'm sure that I probably have some weird chemistry in my brain or some hormone is not being produced the right way. In any case, I think I will enjoy my sobbing because I can still move around and get some work done.
Sorry for the rant. It's been a while.
Oh, universe, please give me a sign. Tell me what I am supposed to do with my life.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Wonky
I feel all wonky inside today. I'm not sure what is causing this sensation. I cannot focus on anything for long periods of time. I don't seem to care about the things I need to do. Damned wonkiness!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
HOPE
I have found hope again. Don't ask me how. Perhaps it was the poster of Pandora that I found outside my classroom door that has found a new home on a shelf in the back...I don't know. All I do know is that I have found joy in life again, as well as hope for my own future.
I like that I have friends who see what I see, even when other friends are blind to it.
I like that I have friends who see what I see, even when other friends are blind to it.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
...and
I plan to walk tomorrow...
...and rake the leaves in my yard.
...and clean the glass top of my patio table.
...and work on revisions that Dale sends me.
...and fold, iron, hang, and put away all of my clean clothes.
...and call my sister.
...and take the bookcase upstairs.
...and set up my desk.
...and complete my lesson plans.
...and submit my lesson plans.
...and print some of my photography.
...and hang some pictures.
...and rearrange my living room.
...and vacuum everything.
...and measure my windows for new blinds.
...and go grocery shopping.
...and clean my kitchen.
...and clean both of my bathrooms.
...and go shopping for decor.
...and listen to music.
...and practice my band music.
...and make healthy meals.
...and harvest the seeds from my pumpkin.
...and hang a curtain rod in my music room.
...and install my new shower curtain rod.
...and visit with someone at some point.
...and find a repair shop for my cuckoo clock.
...and read some of the research texts I bought for my final master's project.
...and start the binder for my graduate reading course.
...and paint the wall trim in the dining room.
...and write.
...and smile.
...and make my daily list.
...and buy a newspaper.
...and do my homework for my graduate writing class.
...and go far.
...and rake the leaves in my yard.
...and clean the glass top of my patio table.
...and work on revisions that Dale sends me.
...and fold, iron, hang, and put away all of my clean clothes.
...and call my sister.
...and take the bookcase upstairs.
...and set up my desk.
...and complete my lesson plans.
...and submit my lesson plans.
...and print some of my photography.
...and hang some pictures.
...and rearrange my living room.
...and vacuum everything.
...and measure my windows for new blinds.
...and go grocery shopping.
...and clean my kitchen.
...and clean both of my bathrooms.
...and go shopping for decor.
...and listen to music.
...and practice my band music.
...and make healthy meals.
...and harvest the seeds from my pumpkin.
...and hang a curtain rod in my music room.
...and install my new shower curtain rod.
...and visit with someone at some point.
...and find a repair shop for my cuckoo clock.
...and read some of the research texts I bought for my final master's project.
...and start the binder for my graduate reading course.
...and paint the wall trim in the dining room.
...and write.
...and smile.
...and make my daily list.
...and buy a newspaper.
...and do my homework for my graduate writing class.
...and go far.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Patio Furniture
I feel down, but I feel even worse for being down when so much of my life is decent. Other people have gone through, and are going through, so much more turmoil than I could ever possibly imagine. I want to put everything into perspective properly, but it's difficult when I try to map things out for myself, whether it be a life goal or simply plans for the evening, and others disregard me or forget me.
I snapped at someone on the phone today and then abruptly ended the call. This person did not necessarily deserve the treatment, but I was irritated and hurt. I don't know that this person knows enough about me to leave me alone for a while to build myself back up. I assume that most people don't enjoy confrontation, so I doubt that this particular person will rush to fix my wounded pride.
I have felt a little down all day, and this situation was a blow to my ego. I called a few people who always make me feel better, even though I know that their soul purpose in life is not just to make me feel better. I suppose I was just trying to reach out to my support system. I do that now. I didn't before, and I wound up having even more problems. No one answered.
I'm just going to go sit at my freshly painted patio table in my backyard for a while.
I snapped at someone on the phone today and then abruptly ended the call. This person did not necessarily deserve the treatment, but I was irritated and hurt. I don't know that this person knows enough about me to leave me alone for a while to build myself back up. I assume that most people don't enjoy confrontation, so I doubt that this particular person will rush to fix my wounded pride.
I have felt a little down all day, and this situation was a blow to my ego. I called a few people who always make me feel better, even though I know that their soul purpose in life is not just to make me feel better. I suppose I was just trying to reach out to my support system. I do that now. I didn't before, and I wound up having even more problems. No one answered.
I'm just going to go sit at my freshly painted patio table in my backyard for a while.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Manic Monday
I'm feeling oddly great after a day with a few ups and downs. I have become so irritated with one particular class that I've decided that I will just start my final graduate research project using this particular group of characters. I am looking forward to a brand new style of teaching that will, hopefully, address the wide range of needs with this group of talkative, disrespectful, annoying, overly active ninth grade students.
Students, both male and female, used to be able to sit in chairs and learn. What happened? Why do I do this for a living? I could have gone into advertising or photography or music or science. Maybe I should leave teaching for something that would allow me to work with adults. I know there are problems everywhere, but I am so tired of dealing with bad parenting meets the high school classroom scenarios.
I went grocery shopping (I bought Blue Moon ice cream!!!). I saw my cousin Corey working the cash register, but I didn't say hello. I figured he probably needed to focus on the huge line of people. I had a rickety cart, too, which made it difficult to maneuver back to where he was. I just pressed on and tried to enjoy my drive home.
Students, both male and female, used to be able to sit in chairs and learn. What happened? Why do I do this for a living? I could have gone into advertising or photography or music or science. Maybe I should leave teaching for something that would allow me to work with adults. I know there are problems everywhere, but I am so tired of dealing with bad parenting meets the high school classroom scenarios.
I went grocery shopping (I bought Blue Moon ice cream!!!). I saw my cousin Corey working the cash register, but I didn't say hello. I figured he probably needed to focus on the huge line of people. I had a rickety cart, too, which made it difficult to maneuver back to where he was. I just pressed on and tried to enjoy my drive home.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dinner
Because I slept through my normal dinner time (plus work time, exercise time, and ukulele group time), I am eating dinner now.
On the plate:
grits with garlic salt and Parmesan cheese
Broccoli-cheddar-potato pierogies sauteed in margarine, onions, and herbs
thinly-sliced tomato with basil and spices
Dessert tonight:
one serving of Banana-flavored Yoplait yogurt
strawberries
On the plate:
grits with garlic salt and Parmesan cheese
Broccoli-cheddar-potato pierogies sauteed in margarine, onions, and herbs
thinly-sliced tomato with basil and spices
Dessert tonight:
one serving of Banana-flavored Yoplait yogurt
strawberries
Not there
I'm not at the anger stage. I want to be, but I'm not. It's unclear if I will reach that or if I will linger in this place of great depression and disappointment. Aaron's been really nice to me lately, checking on me and trying to get me to focus on the things in my life that are positive.
I honestly feel like part of me is missing. The void in my soul is not going to heal itself quickly.
I need to get back to grading papers. At least there is still hope for these young people.
I honestly feel like part of me is missing. The void in my soul is not going to heal itself quickly.
I need to get back to grading papers. At least there is still hope for these young people.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I was recalled to work this week, so things have been hectic with grad school and all. Overall, the transition was good.
Friday hit with all the force of a train. Jeremy decided that whatever notions of romantic reconciliation we were hovering around are now a thing of the past. This is extremely devastating to me. The truly awful thing is that he did this over the phone. I know I have done that in that past, due to immaturity, physical distance, lack of a substantial relationship, and sheer cowardice, but I expected so much more from him, especially after everything we were to each other. He and I have been involved since 2000. I guess he didn't want to legitimize the relationship.
I really want to talk to my dad, but he and my mom left for France yesterday afternoon. They won't be back for a week.
Friday hit with all the force of a train. Jeremy decided that whatever notions of romantic reconciliation we were hovering around are now a thing of the past. This is extremely devastating to me. The truly awful thing is that he did this over the phone. I know I have done that in that past, due to immaturity, physical distance, lack of a substantial relationship, and sheer cowardice, but I expected so much more from him, especially after everything we were to each other. He and I have been involved since 2000. I guess he didn't want to legitimize the relationship.
I really want to talk to my dad, but he and my mom left for France yesterday afternoon. They won't be back for a week.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Tired
I feel lonely. Looking back over the past two years, my life has really unraveled. Maureen, Melissa, and I are closer now, but the men whom I have been closest to this year and last are nowhere near where they were before.
I really destroyed a deep trust with one. Another doesn't talk to me anymore, which is both good and bad. Another was just left hurt and alone.
I'm still a mess. I'm trying to tread water, and most of the time, it works. I spend a lot of time crying, which I understand is part of the process, but I hate allowing myself the time to act in such a defeatist and childish way.
I just want everything to return to the way it was a long time ago, but I know that that is not possible. Knowing this, however, does not stop the longing.
My job search is still yielding nothing. I am tired of hearing great responses from those who interview me. I am tired of hearing how great I am and how much they know I will bring to the position. I am tired of all of the accolades for what I've accomplished leading to no job.
I really destroyed a deep trust with one. Another doesn't talk to me anymore, which is both good and bad. Another was just left hurt and alone.
I'm still a mess. I'm trying to tread water, and most of the time, it works. I spend a lot of time crying, which I understand is part of the process, but I hate allowing myself the time to act in such a defeatist and childish way.
I just want everything to return to the way it was a long time ago, but I know that that is not possible. Knowing this, however, does not stop the longing.
My job search is still yielding nothing. I am tired of hearing great responses from those who interview me. I am tired of hearing how great I am and how much they know I will bring to the position. I am tired of all of the accolades for what I've accomplished leading to no job.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Fall into place
My parents visited on Sunday. My mother was ill and cranky. That's almost never a good thing when she is around me. My mother is judgmental and criticizes a lot when she feels great, so when she feels rotten it becomes her goal to make me feel like I just don't measure up. At this time in my life, I already feel as though I don't measure up the way I should. My mother's constant remarks and "suggestions" only serve to make me collapse inward as I did earlier this year. I haven't yet learned of a way to ignore her. I haven't found a way to take it gracefully, either.
Some of my friends have great relationships with their mothers. They are close. They share interests. When I look at my own mother, I wonder how it is that I came from this woman who I only resemble in physical features. I have my father's interests, abilities, and temperament. I often wonder how it is that he doesn't snap.
Someone recommended to me that I really spend some time focusing on specific issues, one at a time. This seems like very general advice, but this person helped me to focus on prioritizing the many issues in my life. Many of my problems stem from the loss of employment. Once I find stable employment again, everything else will probably start to fall into place.
The relationship failures this year are my fault. There are circumstances surrounding both of the situations that I cannot and will not share, but suffice it to say that I am the one who truly messed up everything. My own inability to cope with the forces that I perceive as threatening plays a tremendous role in this.
Some of my friends have great relationships with their mothers. They are close. They share interests. When I look at my own mother, I wonder how it is that I came from this woman who I only resemble in physical features. I have my father's interests, abilities, and temperament. I often wonder how it is that he doesn't snap.
Someone recommended to me that I really spend some time focusing on specific issues, one at a time. This seems like very general advice, but this person helped me to focus on prioritizing the many issues in my life. Many of my problems stem from the loss of employment. Once I find stable employment again, everything else will probably start to fall into place.
The relationship failures this year are my fault. There are circumstances surrounding both of the situations that I cannot and will not share, but suffice it to say that I am the one who truly messed up everything. My own inability to cope with the forces that I perceive as threatening plays a tremendous role in this.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Separation
I am separating myself from the confusing parts of my life. I am attempting to focus on the things I need to - getting a job, staying sane, organizing my home.
I've been trying to get out a little more, and there have been a few days of fun, but mostly I leave this place and head straight to interviews. Not fun.
Who's up for some roller skating or bowling or salsa dancing?
I've been trying to get out a little more, and there have been a few days of fun, but mostly I leave this place and head straight to interviews. Not fun.
Who's up for some roller skating or bowling or salsa dancing?
Monday, August 17, 2009
Ending on a Positive
Things weigh heavily on me when most of my life is out of balance. I cannot escape thoughts about how I no longer measure up to my old standards (or the standards of others).
The easiest way out is not an easy choice, even though I think of it often.
NWLB = pretty much a dead-end for me
employment = no job
music = no inspiration
writing = complaints about how rotten my life is right now (who really wants to read that!?!)
love = who knows? I don't. Both Maureen and Melissa are headed toward marriage. I feel more and more depressed each day.
grad school = excellent grades, but no money to go
life = hell, but there's always death to look forward to
money = the root of many evils
Ending on a positive: I just saved a bundle on my car (and renter's) insurance with MEEMIC.
The easiest way out is not an easy choice, even though I think of it often.
NWLB = pretty much a dead-end for me
employment = no job
music = no inspiration
writing = complaints about how rotten my life is right now (who really wants to read that!?!)
love = who knows? I don't. Both Maureen and Melissa are headed toward marriage. I feel more and more depressed each day.
grad school = excellent grades, but no money to go
life = hell, but there's always death to look forward to
money = the root of many evils
Ending on a positive: I just saved a bundle on my car (and renter's) insurance with MEEMIC.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Emotions
I've been sitting here most of the night crying. I haven't done this in a while, and it feels absolutely terrible.
Failure is the only word that really sums up my view of myself. I still cannot find a job. I started collecting unemployment, which makes me feel like everything I never wanted to be. I thought I could wait out the summer and find work. I didn't want to collect. I didn't want to be a burden on society.
The anger in me doesn't know where to go. I'm angry at my district for their foolish mismanagement of funds. I'm angry at my school for not having their shit together to know how many teachers they'd need (didn't the kids register for classes in March? I remember them using my class period to register!). I'm angry at myself for taking the job at this school in 2006. I'm even more angry at all of the principals I have met with who have decided on other candidates with less experience (it all comes down to money, doesn't it? Who cares about employing someone who has been teaching for seven years and has been nominated for various teaching awards?).
I'm living in the money pit. My dad has been wonderful helping out here, but my uncle is still stupid when it comes to actually maintaining this place. He doesn't seem to think he is required to provide me with working plumbing, working air and heat, windows that close and latch, etc. I'm trying to be patient, but come on! He knew many months ago that I would be moving in, but did he fix things? No. He waited until I moved in and complained that I didn't have a working sink and hot water and A/C when the thermostat read high numbers. Hell, the electrical wasn't working and he had to have a new breaker box installed. The worst part is that my uncle just allows my dad and I to pay for these things as we fix them. I don't understand how he cannot know that these things are his responsibility.
Leaving really isn't a realistic option, either.
Failure is the only word that really sums up my view of myself. I still cannot find a job. I started collecting unemployment, which makes me feel like everything I never wanted to be. I thought I could wait out the summer and find work. I didn't want to collect. I didn't want to be a burden on society.
The anger in me doesn't know where to go. I'm angry at my district for their foolish mismanagement of funds. I'm angry at my school for not having their shit together to know how many teachers they'd need (didn't the kids register for classes in March? I remember them using my class period to register!). I'm angry at myself for taking the job at this school in 2006. I'm even more angry at all of the principals I have met with who have decided on other candidates with less experience (it all comes down to money, doesn't it? Who cares about employing someone who has been teaching for seven years and has been nominated for various teaching awards?).
I'm living in the money pit. My dad has been wonderful helping out here, but my uncle is still stupid when it comes to actually maintaining this place. He doesn't seem to think he is required to provide me with working plumbing, working air and heat, windows that close and latch, etc. I'm trying to be patient, but come on! He knew many months ago that I would be moving in, but did he fix things? No. He waited until I moved in and complained that I didn't have a working sink and hot water and A/C when the thermostat read high numbers. Hell, the electrical wasn't working and he had to have a new breaker box installed. The worst part is that my uncle just allows my dad and I to pay for these things as we fix them. I don't understand how he cannot know that these things are his responsibility.
Leaving really isn't a realistic option, either.
Out of Balance
I feel as if I can't seem to maintain myself this week. I just finished my grad work for the summer, and I should be pleased with myself. Instead, I feel depressed.
It's almost like I was dragging things out just so that I would have something I was striving for. I lost that today when I completed the last assignment. My students wouldn't understand this sensation at all. Just like those who don't understand the joy in difficulty - the joy in challenge. I usually hear about how others are irritated about college expectations vary so significantly from high school. Education at a higher level is more independent and the answers / styles are so much more subjective.
Nothing is simple, and I should be proud of myself for finishing my work. Instead, I feel hollow. It must be that I haven't had a lot to live for these last several months. There were no students waiting for my cue, no people who truly needed me in any way (although there might be a couple out there who have convinced themselves that I am somehow necessary for their existences), no purposes beyond academics. I still have no job. I am trying everything. I've been told by several places that I am overqualified and they didn't want to hire me based on the fact that I might leave for a teaching job.
I need to be doing something productive. I can't seem to get out of this funk.
It's almost like I was dragging things out just so that I would have something I was striving for. I lost that today when I completed the last assignment. My students wouldn't understand this sensation at all. Just like those who don't understand the joy in difficulty - the joy in challenge. I usually hear about how others are irritated about college expectations vary so significantly from high school. Education at a higher level is more independent and the answers / styles are so much more subjective.
Nothing is simple, and I should be proud of myself for finishing my work. Instead, I feel hollow. It must be that I haven't had a lot to live for these last several months. There were no students waiting for my cue, no people who truly needed me in any way (although there might be a couple out there who have convinced themselves that I am somehow necessary for their existences), no purposes beyond academics. I still have no job. I am trying everything. I've been told by several places that I am overqualified and they didn't want to hire me based on the fact that I might leave for a teaching job.
I need to be doing something productive. I can't seem to get out of this funk.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Far, Far Away
I often dream of moving away. I think I may have been on the right track when Jeremy and I moved to Florida. There were 1200 miles separating me from my family. I was able to establish myself in a new place - new friends, new career, new pets, etc.
My parents are here right now. I don't mind so much that my dad is working on many of the things my uncle had left unfinished and in disrepair. My dad and I see eye-to-eye on many different things.
My mother is the one human being who can set me off no matter how much we are getting along. She constantly criticizes everything in my life - my choices, my appearance, my behavior, my home (things that are mine and not mine). I can never seem to get beyond feeling like garbage when I am around her. She is nosy and always wants to know everything. I can't share anything with her without her finding a way to attack me.
She tells me things I don't need to know. I explained that I need time to get my homework done. She tells me to "Go and do your homework. I'll work on this." She keeps interrupting to tell me her ideas about my life, as well as where she is headed next in my home.
I'm unhappy. There are few moments when things don't seem so horrible, but those moments are few and far between. I put a lot of pressure on myself, even when others don't to find happiness or, at least, some sensation that isn't misery.
My parents are here right now. I don't mind so much that my dad is working on many of the things my uncle had left unfinished and in disrepair. My dad and I see eye-to-eye on many different things.
My mother is the one human being who can set me off no matter how much we are getting along. She constantly criticizes everything in my life - my choices, my appearance, my behavior, my home (things that are mine and not mine). I can never seem to get beyond feeling like garbage when I am around her. She is nosy and always wants to know everything. I can't share anything with her without her finding a way to attack me.
She tells me things I don't need to know. I explained that I need time to get my homework done. She tells me to "Go and do your homework. I'll work on this." She keeps interrupting to tell me her ideas about my life, as well as where she is headed next in my home.
I'm unhappy. There are few moments when things don't seem so horrible, but those moments are few and far between. I put a lot of pressure on myself, even when others don't to find happiness or, at least, some sensation that isn't misery.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
"Happy" Medium
I am still having recurring nightmares almost every night. I hate that with the return to healthy hormone and vitamin levels, I am getting a lot of those qualities I don't like about myself. Today was a crabby, "Don't touch me!" day, which was actually okay since I wasn't around a lot of people. I also don't like the terrible, recurring dreams that often disrupt the little rest I do get. I am jumpy and irritated and generally withdrawn.
I don't like that my options are 1)be deficient and malnourished and generally happy because I can't focus on anything, or 2) be physically healthy and irritated with most dealings with others. Where is the "happy" medium?
I don't like that my options are 1)be deficient and malnourished and generally happy because I can't focus on anything, or 2) be physically healthy and irritated with most dealings with others. Where is the "happy" medium?
Saturday, July 18, 2009
new blog
I started writing a new blog that sort of marks the beginning of regaining control of my life. I may share it with some as time goes on, but I want to use to to continue to move forward in the new chapters of my life.
The only issues I am plagued with now are HOW to navigate away from what does not have a future to the future I want. I am not one for acting out as I used to. I don't want to burn bridges. I honestly don't understand anymore the point of arguing about things that cannot be changed.
I feel this personality emerging that I can only liken to what I was like in the latter half of college - academically driven, yet mellow and refined in social settings.
The only issues I am plagued with now are HOW to navigate away from what does not have a future to the future I want. I am not one for acting out as I used to. I don't want to burn bridges. I honestly don't understand anymore the point of arguing about things that cannot be changed.
I feel this personality emerging that I can only liken to what I was like in the latter half of college - academically driven, yet mellow and refined in social settings.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Where I Stand
I haven't been writing the way I am *supposed* to be writing lately. I am not keeping track of my actions, feelings, etc. in a way that is useful. I am not reflecting one the choices I've made in a way that actually serves to help me long-term.
Step One: Acknowledgment of where I currently stand
I don't know where I'm headed.
I don't know exactly what I want.
My expectations of others are too high.
I don't know how to let go in a way that isn't dysfunctional.
I am unemployed, and I feel ashamed about this.
I tolerate behaviors in others that I would never tolerate from myself.
I'm in constant fear of hurting others. I put their feelings before my own, despite knowing that I will feel completely worthless.
I am scared to leave the home I have known for the past three years. This is the longest I have lived anywhere since I lived in Westland. I am also afraid of not feeling connected to someone who was the biggest part of my life over the past decade.
I know some time on my own would be helpful. I just don't want to walk away from the feelings I have.
My friends don't seem to want to listen to this whole thing again. I can't blame them. This is why Mike was so wonderful up until last fall.
I cry a lot when I am at home.
The only thing I feel confident about is teaching. I know I am a good teacher, despite the negative comments. I'm actually a really positive influence in the lives of my students. I want to be that person all the time, but it is too difficult.
The desire to go back in time and change things is back. It's all I think about. I think about not taking "no" for an answer when I told Jeremy we needed to go to counseling last year. I still see him as the most important person in my life. I want to find a way to make him happy, but I realized that it is often through things that make me disappear more and more into myself. I can't shake this feeling for him. And I can't seem to leave Tony alone either.
Step One: Acknowledgment of where I currently stand
I don't know where I'm headed.
I don't know exactly what I want.
My expectations of others are too high.
I don't know how to let go in a way that isn't dysfunctional.
I am unemployed, and I feel ashamed about this.
I tolerate behaviors in others that I would never tolerate from myself.
I'm in constant fear of hurting others. I put their feelings before my own, despite knowing that I will feel completely worthless.
I am scared to leave the home I have known for the past three years. This is the longest I have lived anywhere since I lived in Westland. I am also afraid of not feeling connected to someone who was the biggest part of my life over the past decade.
I know some time on my own would be helpful. I just don't want to walk away from the feelings I have.
My friends don't seem to want to listen to this whole thing again. I can't blame them. This is why Mike was so wonderful up until last fall.
I cry a lot when I am at home.
The only thing I feel confident about is teaching. I know I am a good teacher, despite the negative comments. I'm actually a really positive influence in the lives of my students. I want to be that person all the time, but it is too difficult.
The desire to go back in time and change things is back. It's all I think about. I think about not taking "no" for an answer when I told Jeremy we needed to go to counseling last year. I still see him as the most important person in my life. I want to find a way to make him happy, but I realized that it is often through things that make me disappear more and more into myself. I can't shake this feeling for him. And I can't seem to leave Tony alone either.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
It's a Tuesday.
Either terrible dreams are returning to me or I am returning to them; I haven't decided my perspective on this yet. It's an uncomfortable start to a day when I already feel anxiety without true provocation. I decided that cleaning would be a fantastic activity this morning. I am sort of let my kitchen go, and it is full of clutter. Laundry needs to be washed. I like to work on things concurrently, so I have Tilex breaking up soap scum in the bathtub while I put dishes in the dishwasher, which I will start once the first load of laundry is in the dryer and I am scrubbing the tub. I've already cleaned all electronics, mirrors, and windows - the windows I cleaned before I opened them to air out my place.
It's amazing how quickly time is progressing. Exactly one week ago, I was entering the Adult ESL office in Walled Lake to interview for a part-time teaching position. Carolyn interviewed right before me, and I hoped that both of us would be offered the two positions.
Now, I am faced with cleaning up my home while focusing on leaving. I am pitching many things. I need to post some of them on the Western Wayne (MI) Freecycle group so that other people may enjoy / use the things I haven't touched in so long.
My parents asked what I might like this year for my birthday. It seemed a bit early, but I think they were considering getting me something for my home. I could really use a new couch, to be honest. I'm certain that they would "surprise" me with this. I am notoriously practical, and I tend to ask for things I would just buy for myself anyway. In fact, my laptop was more of an extravagant purchase. I have a desktop, but with grad school, it has been somewhat unreliable. It does not stay connected to the internet well, nor does it progress through functions the way it used to. It is still a decent computer, but 2002 was a long time ago, and I need to be embracing new technology not only in my classroom but also in my regular life. I think I might ask for little things like pill boxes (I have to take a lot of vitamins and supplements, but not all every day). I like keeping track of things like this as it helps me to process information and forces me to remember the day before in greater detail, but I think it might be okay to give in to more regimented practices. I will probably end up buying one this week or something, though. That's just who I am.
Well, I just heard the end of the washer cycle. I am back to cleaning. I want to have at least one room done by the time I leave for my cousin's graduation dinner tonight.
It's amazing how quickly time is progressing. Exactly one week ago, I was entering the Adult ESL office in Walled Lake to interview for a part-time teaching position. Carolyn interviewed right before me, and I hoped that both of us would be offered the two positions.
Now, I am faced with cleaning up my home while focusing on leaving. I am pitching many things. I need to post some of them on the Western Wayne (MI) Freecycle group so that other people may enjoy / use the things I haven't touched in so long.
My parents asked what I might like this year for my birthday. It seemed a bit early, but I think they were considering getting me something for my home. I could really use a new couch, to be honest. I'm certain that they would "surprise" me with this. I am notoriously practical, and I tend to ask for things I would just buy for myself anyway. In fact, my laptop was more of an extravagant purchase. I have a desktop, but with grad school, it has been somewhat unreliable. It does not stay connected to the internet well, nor does it progress through functions the way it used to. It is still a decent computer, but 2002 was a long time ago, and I need to be embracing new technology not only in my classroom but also in my regular life. I think I might ask for little things like pill boxes (I have to take a lot of vitamins and supplements, but not all every day). I like keeping track of things like this as it helps me to process information and forces me to remember the day before in greater detail, but I think it might be okay to give in to more regimented practices. I will probably end up buying one this week or something, though. That's just who I am.
Well, I just heard the end of the washer cycle. I am back to cleaning. I want to have at least one room done by the time I leave for my cousin's graduation dinner tonight.
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