492

Too frequently, I assume that status updates on Facebook have to do with me. This doesn't apply to all of them - just of those people with whom I have recently spent time or chatted. Part of the confusion is the use of the word you. I'm not entirely sure this isn't disorder-based, but I read the message and it seems like a cutting remark toward me.

I then shy away for a while, hoping someone else will ask questions that will lead to the true intended recipient. I know I have done this, too, which makes me kick myself for being unclear in the past.


With that off my chest, I want to focus on something more important. I keep daydreaming about being in a relationship again. At times, it's almost as if I am ready to move forward in some direction or another, but weekends like this one throw me back in that confused state about who and what I want. I wonder if others go through this, too. I hate being the most indecisive person in the world.

I had thought I wanted to go down a new path with a new person. Unfortunately, he did not call me (I'm certain he'll explain on Monday). I long for traditional roles in some respect. I want to be asked out. I want someone to want to be with me and have the confidence to put himself out there.


I also have this problem with previous people I've dated. I tend to show pessimism, and people often do not realize that I am downright optimistic about people and relationships. I think I show the pessimism to not come across as one of those bubbly-minded airheads who thrive in an ignorance-is-bliss existence. I fear being seen as stupid, and those who enjoy daily life tend to fall into this category. I see all of the hardships, inaccuracies, struggles, pitfalls, hopeless causes, etc., but I struggle against them and feel incredible doing so. This is really what I want others to see; however, I don't know exactly how to demonstrate it.


Jeremy texted me about getting together, mostly to pick up two books that have somehow remained in my collection despite being his. We still find we have each other's belongings, packed away in forgotten places until now. Our lives were so deeply intertwined. I truly believed we would end up married. We'd travel the world. We'd have a family. I'd convince him to get a dog (a husky or a lab, even though he said he would only want to get a German shepherd if he were to ever give in).

He wants to get back together. I'm scared of this because I give up pieces of who I am to accommodate him. If I can learn to not sacrifice myself in the relationship, I'd consider it. If he could learn to make me the first priority in his life, I'd jump at the chance to be with him again. I am finally over resenting him because I realize that, at some point, I made the decision to give up who I am to make his life easier. That falls completely on me, and I refuse to do that again.


Anthony makes no effort to connect with me. This is both my fault and his. He has never worked at making an effort in relationships, in part because he is of the mindset that people should just want to be together or not want to be together. This passive approach has set the stage for near-complete inaction on his part with women trying to make things work over the years. We give up because we are tired of paying for everything, making all the contact, making all the plans, doing all the traveling, waiting for a thank-you, and sharing only our thoughts on the stuff that really matters in a relationship. When someone else can't open up about anything, even though he clearly feels a certain way, it's just not enough for those of us who need to hear that someone cares or worries or wants us.

He snapped at me once in public. He tried to start an argument in Schoolcraft, as we waited for him to register. I was there to lend support (both emotional and financial). He became louder and louder with me in the line. He rarely gets to this level of frustration, through simple avoidance of anything stressful in his life. I turned to him and said, "I don't have to do this for you. I can walk out right now and drive back home. Is that what you want?"

He lowered his head and said, "No."

Very few of his friends know that I paid for his first college experience. It was a birthday present. I know he feels like he should have been able to do this, but I wanted to offer a leg up to someone who did support me emotionally when I was in the middle of an actual breakdown. I have also helped him with some of his writing for class this semester. I know he is taking more pride in himself, which is good. What I didn't anticipate was the rather unsavory commentary from some of his female friends that he has let go unchecked. One, in particular, stated that I am "not good enough for him" because of how things started and he's in school now, improving himself. I don't want to shine light on his financial problems, but come on...I'm the reason he was able to attend school at all. He knows of these comments, but he has done nothing to stop them. His inaction speaks louder than words and I feel used.

He doesn't understand my reasoning on this, either. I want to be able to look past this stuff, but I can't. I'm not built that way.


The old R called again last night. He understood that I wasn't going to head over to his place to hang out at roughly three in the morning. He wanted to talk, though, and wants to get together soon. It seems like he means a real date - getting dressed up, going out - during regular dating hours. He would never commit to meaning just that, though, and I find it frustrating. I'm not even sure I should give him the time and effort after the fighting and disregard he displayed over the summer. I have an inkling that the other woman he was seeing ended things and he is trying to pursue something with the consolation prize. I am no consolation prize. I may not be thin, beautiful, and young, but I have built a somewhat enviable life. Hell, even Ian crawled out of the shadows and asked me to coffee. It wasn't necessarily an invitation on a date, but it was a chance to share the good things that are happening with me.

The new R is still becoming a friend. I feel like catapulting forward, but that would only serve to cause problems. He and I don't like dating people who aren't friends first. We don't believe in picking up a stranger at a bar and building a solid foundation for something more from that state of nothingness. It's odd to have a crush on someone at work. I usually don't feel this way about anyone I work with. People have noticed our newly-formed friendship, and one teacher knows that I like him. She stated it in plain English and I became embarrassed. I'm sure my face turned red. It's fine because I feel kinship with this other teacher for a number of reasons: she has no intention of telling my secret, we both grew up in the Westland-Livonia area and attended Livonia schools, we both attended WMU, and we have similar viewpoints of the mess created within our district. Part of me is really interested in pursuing something new with someone new. The history factor doesn't need to be anything more than it is, whereas a trip down memory lane in another direction would probably serve to confuse, irritate, or gnaw at me. I like the notion that everything would be new. Everything would be a discovery. Everything would be a fresh start.

I don't mind the age difference, either. He's about five years younger than I am, but once we all hit our mid-twenties, we are fairly grown up and realistic about life expectations. We'll see if anything develops. I could see new adventures with this person.

491

I think I'm ready for something different.

Post 490

I simply cannot shake this depressed feeling today. I don't know what my problem is.

I'm tempted to have a fire in the fireplace even though it's not really cold enough for one. I just like the smell of it. It might lift my spirit.

Tried making a new soup (pureed carrot and onion). It's okay. Nothing spectacular.

Some thoughts on the dating scene

I'm too busy for a boyfriend, and for the first time since February 2009, I feel like I might actually want one. While this new-found loneliness makes me focus on what I don't have, it feels healthy. Our natural inclination is to find a mate. I am still not entirely sure if I am supposed to seek something new with someone new or seek something new with someone from my past. I am just sort of rolling with the punches, so to speak.

J is hoping for reconciliation. Most of me is, too. The trouble is that I would not be able to have further contact with A. I also fear that returning to the relationship would prompt a return to who J became during the course of our relationship. Our separation helped him regain who he used to be. I was left a broken mess for a long time. Many of my friends didn't want to listen at some point, and I learned who my true friends are. Real friends don't abandon you when your world comes crashing down. Real friends stick it out because they genuinely care about supporting you - not when you are eventually stop rehashing the same issue. And as much as some of my friends don't think J is right for me, he was there, doing everything in his power to help me when the rest of you weren't. Even though he knew that we might never work out in the end, he couldn't bear to see me falling apart. He picked me up, emotionally and physically (in those moments of complete despair that could have easily ended differently).

A makes no effort. All the work has always been on my end, except for the initial move to get me to leave J. The relationship type stuff has fallen on my shoulders. I truly understand why his former girlfriends left him, including the one who spent years destroying his self esteem. He's explained that he doesn't like questions or opening up. What woman would be comfortable with never hearing how special she is? What woman would put up with someone who doesn't feel the need to share or explain anything? I refuse to spend the rest of my life sitting on a couch watching TV to block out emotional connection. With that said, I don't doubt his feelings for me. Not in the least. I just think he didn't pick up on how good relationships work - he had no family model to work from, nor did he watch his friends' relationships for this information. I hate to think that he is a lost cause, because no one is, but it's starting to feel that way.

R - the one I've been referring to as "C" or "the Cat" - doesn't show much promise. I've known him forever, and while the notion of dating him isn't out of the realm of possibility, the crap isn't worth it. He pressured me for sex at one point - not his smartest move - but he said he understood why we wouldn't be going anywhere near there. He continues with hot-and-cold communication, and I don't like the implication that because I won't head over to his place in the middle of the night he will not even be my friend. Over the past couple of years, he has been incredibly supportive and kind. Unfortunately, he was a better friend than anything else he could have been. The thing that really upset me is that he didn't want any mutual friends to know that we were seeing each other. He did tell one mutual friend through Facebook, but as soon as he did, things went south. He ignored calls. He was rude on the phone when he did take calls. He started seeing someone else (which is fine because the casual dating scene allows that). He rarely made plans with me, but became upset when I made plans with others (not even dates). When he did make plans, they were at the last possible minute, usually in the middle of the night. I should never be an afterthought in my own relationship, right? Right.

The new R is no one I'm dating. I'm interested in dating him, but he and I both don't date people who are strangers. I'm enjoying becoming his friend, and if nothing more happens, I'll still be happy. He's nice to talk to. He's hardworking. He's determined to have a better life than what he has right now. Plus, he knows how to clean. We've known each other for a month-and-a-half, and I think we are well on our way toward a good friendship if nothing else.

I love

I love open windows, open doors, clean clothes, clean floors, disinfected kitchens, disinfected bathrooms, socks with toes, hepa filters in vacuum cleaners, new office supplies, sunsets, patio stones, fireplaces, potatoes, ranch dressing with mild cheddar and raisins, ironing clothes, tending to plants, falling leaves, writing, playing music, candles, kissing, long skirts, flirting, books, small spaces, and so much more.

Thinking of the world in positive terms is so much easier now than it used to be. I struggled to enjoy things. I kind of wish that some people could see me now. I kind of like that they don't. I feel grounded in something wonderful.


I think I will steam clean carpeting in another section of my home this evening. I will work on the flowerbeds tomorrow after work.

Sunshine

Sunshine doesn't hurt my eyes like it used to. In fact, my eyes rest wide open when the sunshine is the strongest. What an amazing sensation!

So...

So, I like him. What does this mean? What does this mean?

Grrr.

I let my negative emotions rise to the surface a little today.

This did not take place at work. This was at rehearsal. I am tired of carrying the weight (physical weight of percussion instruments) up and down the stairs without other members of my section helping. After snapping at two of them, I immediately felt remorse. The irritation and anger was truly unnecessary, but I felt fed up. I don't typically feel this way, so the emotions struck me as odd.

No Title

Drew asked me why I seem so happy lately. I responded with a quick, "I'm usually this happy."

He didn't seem to buy it, even though it's the truth. Drew and I have been colleagues and friends for over four years now, and his observation gave me pause to think about who I am at work.

I don't remember being miserable at work. Sure, it's a taxing job that wears one down over time, but I've never been an angry person at work. Stressed at times, sure, but never downright pessimistic. With friends, I could be. I could share my displeasure or irritation with the system over a drink. I could use that as a backdrop to complain about my life because I had many things going on that should not have been going on.


I must not have been showing my hope and optimism for some time. Drew wasn't at my school last year, having been shifted to the middle school due to seniority (I am just ahead of him on the seniority list - I signed my contract one hour before he did back in 2006.). He saw the beginning of the unraveling process the school year before when my life was not under complete control, but we didn't see each other much all last year. He didn't see how I finally broke free from the anger, frustration, pain, and other emotions that were gnawing at me. He didn't see me start to take better care of myself and get the vitamins I needed daily to correct some physiological issues that had resulted in some major health issues, both on the physical and mental levels.

I think he doesn't have a context for me now. He's surprised by my smile and frequent laughter, even though I didn't avoid these things before. I just used them more in the classroom with my students rather than with my colleagues during lunch breaks.

We are jovial in the workplace, which makes me feel connected to my peers.

I sometimes wonder what a night out with some old friends would be like, but then I remember that they are part of my past and would probably have no context for me now. They might see my behavior as an act rather than the current status quo, just as a few did when I started to let myself feel cheerful again.

Oh, and today I think I gave some "bad" advice to a friend. He had asked for advice twice, and he didn't like the direction I went the first time around, so I offered him the advice he wanted to hear. Of course, there was a disclaimer that I was simply playing devil's advocate because he didn't want to head down the opposite path and had asked again. My advice is never in the form of what someone should do. It's more of a possible (realistic) sequence of events that could result from the behavior someone else suggests. I am very good at mapping cause-and-effect scenarios.

German-American Day

My first hour German 1 celebration today was great fun. Students brought in food and we talked, watched videos, and sang traditional Bavarian (drinking) songs. My students were in such a good mood, and I was definitely feeling the same vibe.

Most of my classes were wonderful today. I have solved some mysteries I had with my third hour, and I think that the class behavior will improve over the next week or so.

Me

I learned today that I have much more self-control than I thought I had. In a meeting in which I felt attacked in my teaching (by someone who has not actually witnessed my teaching and had not seen the test scores of my previous scores), I kept my cool when all I really wanted to express was my frustration. I did point out, though, that my individual students are excelling in areas the rest of the student population are not. That is when the attack on my teaching began. I was displeased with this. Sometimes, I think school administrators "create" problems to solve so that when the results come out in his or her favor, they get a pat on the back from district administration for doing such a good job. It was a stressful hour, but I maintained composure. One year ago, I don't think I could have done that.

I treated myself to Quiznos for dinner and found it most disappointing. The bread tasted and felt different, which made for a bland dinner. It wasn't disgusting, but it wasn't what I remembered it to be. The flavors seemed muted.



On the brighter side of things, my classes are going well and I am finding my teaching groove. I am pushing myself to be more active, and it is working. My feet feel significantly better with the orthotics, and I am eager to start walking and then running again. Even when I was in excruciating pain, I wanted to walk and run. I just didn't have the ability to do so. I slowed down a lot last year as the pain increased dramatically. I can't believe I put off visiting the doctor when I wasn't even able to walk through my own home to get water or food. It took an additional injury to get me to visit doctors. The universe works in mysterious ways, and I am happy that I suffered (and am still recovering) from a severe sprain this summer. It gave me a new perspective that will help me to get back in shape.

My own relationship issues over the past two years are finally becoming something I can draw from to determine future actions. I often wish that life lessons could be learned faster, but they take time to solidify. I still stare at the fork in the road. It does not leave me, even though logic has made its arguments and I understand them. I don't think I'm ready to head down any path, and perhaps that is why I still see the fork. My heart and my mind have always been in conflict, but I feel more and more that this is beginning to fade into something new. I can't quite place my finger on it, but there is something there that will take the place of what has been causing me grief.

I'm also becoming someone my friends turn to when their own lives take a turn for the worse. I used to serve in this capacity before, and after several years' hiatus, the return makes me feel strong.

I like that I am reconnecting with old friends from college and making new friends from music and other social scenes. Relationships evolve and trying to hang on to the past when the past doesn't want to be a part of my present and future is futile. My birthday celebration showed me who is important in my life now, and I guess I hadn't realized until now that my new friends accept me for who I am now and not who they think I should be. It was an odd revelation. I was saddened, at first, that some of the people I thought were my oldest and dearest friends weren't there, but during the evening it changed. I am in the process of molding a new person here, in my own skin. These newer friends genuinely want to know me as I exist now. They want to have fun and celebrate life's good moments with me. They don't comment on my dating choices. They don't make me feel like I am not living up to some standard that is impossible for me to reach. The reconnection with old friends is about the same. They are letting me be who I am now rather than who they think I should based on college experiences we shared.

The Paths We Take

I met E for coffee yesterday afternoon. He has seemed somewhat depressed lately, and when he called to talk on the phone, I suggested we meet. He liked the idea so I got ready and headed to a coffee shop in downtown Ann Arbor.

I admit I haven't been the most responsive friend over the years, and he has often commented on my pessimism and detachment. I realized last year that he was right. I don't know why, exactly, I was distant, but I was.

I didn't go to his wedding five years ago. I didn't attend his 30th birthday party two years ago. I didn't respond to his calls and emails. And there was absolutely no good reason for it. I was just a crappy friend. I was so wrapped up in my inner turmoil that I didn't feel the need to give him the attention he needed as a friend.


Some background: I met E in a student organization in college. He had started dating another group member who soon dashed his heart into a million little pieces in late 1998 or early 1999. I was friends with both of them at first, but the woman was remorseless for her actions. In fact, she gloated about the whole thing. E was a mess, so I started to spend more and more time with him to help him regain stability. The woman was his first girlfriend and her callous actions destroyed him. I just couldn't sit idly by when he so clearly needed a friend (he didn't seem to have many of those).

We were both in the creative writing program within our respective English majors, so we met regularly to share writing with each other. We stayed up all night participating in writing marathons.

I felt safe in this friendship because I had no romantic interest in him. My long-distance relationship during these months was safe.

He developed a small crush on me, but we didn't let that get in the way of our friendship. I explained to him that he was probably latching on because we were spending time together and he was healing from the broken heart. It's easy to latch on to new people when we feel despair. We kept in touch over the years, some better than others, and with him living in Ann Arbor now, I am not visiting with him enough.

Back to the present.

The tone is E's posts and writings has been depressed. I have asked him several times about it, but he has not commented. Yesterday, he agreed that it would be best to meet, and I promptly arrived at the coffee shop.

He is thinking about leaving his wife. They were always very different people, but he said that he feels as though he puts in 95-100% of the relationship work only to be met with excuses for her inaction. We spent many hours yesterday discussing what he plans to do. I let him talk and then shared with him what I heard the most...the 'not' statements. She's not doing this...She doesn't do that and so on.

They've spoken about him leaving the marriage before, so this discussion with me was a way for him to look at the scenario from a different angle...the angle that only an outsider can see.

The situation is compounded with a recent infatuation with a woman with whom he goes to school. While nothing has happened, aside from a few moments of longing looks that he cut short and headed home, he is intrigued by this new person with whom he has so much in common, so much to talk about, and such a clique-like sensation. When I asked further questions, we determined that he is hovering around the deep infatuation state and nearing the in-love state. He is completely smitten with her, but he can still control his behavior around her. He planned a birthday celebration for her (for everyone in their shared graduate program) and attended with his wife. Unfortunately, none of the other students showed, and his wife was not pleased feeling like the outsider in some bizarre date her husband was on. E said he kept trying to involve his wife in the conversation, but he was so engrossed in the discussion about topics his wife does not comprehend that it became more and more of a problem. The fact that this new woman is a good match for him lead to an argument in the car on the way home.

E doesn't know if he should try to fix the situation because he feels like he's tried to fix it before and his wife hasn't been stepping up to the plate. He also has growing feelings for someone he is attracted to (she is one of those quirky red-heads).

I told him the things he didn't want to hear, but he said because he didn't want to hear them he probably needed to hear them.

I talked about how if he left his wife and jumped into a relationship with the red-head that he would always connect her to the break-up of his marriage and that there would always be a link to the emotions he feels now. Sure, they could move beyond it over time, but E is very much like me, and I know the emotions will gnaw at him. I also told him that he needs to disregard her for the moment. He needs to focus on one issue at a time, and right now, he needs to figure out if he wants to stay in his marriage. He keeps hoping that his wife will leave him and make it easy for him, but I told him that that won't happen. She is comfortable in what they have...the routine, the comfort, the day-to-day existence.

After he establishes if he wants to try to work things out, that's when he needs to set clear deadlines by stating that he can't spend another six months, year, two years, etc. living the way they live now. If he chooses to stay and try to work it out, he needs to give it his all - not some half-assed attempt to put on a show for others. He'd have to give her (and himself) time to make changes, make mistakes, grow, and retry. He is torn between giving her more time and saying she's had enough time.

I also pointed out that he doesn't know the redhead well enough to know all of her annoying habits. He is not aware of all of the things are ARE working with his wife. Instead, he is focusing on what is lacking and he is letting the redhead pick up the slack on those things. This is not to say that they (E and the redhead) wouldn't work out, but he is not seeing the whole picture. I didn't see the whole picture in 2009. I can only move forward now with the new knowledge I have gained.

I suggested that if he wants to stay and fix things, he needs to consult with someone who is practiced in guiding people through these issues.


We talked about what sex means to couples, especially after the types of conversations he's been having with his wife. For him, there is that element of wanting to feel good and the notion of This could be the last time. A female perspective, though, is more centered on He shared his worries with me and now we are closer emotionally and physically.

When his wife arrived to pick him up (he didn't feel like walking home in the pouring rain), I asked if I should head over to the car and say 'Hello' so that she realizes I am not some woman he is interested in. He said that was a good idea. She and I exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes before I walked to the Law Quadrangle on the U of M campus. Despite the cold rain, I felt calm and comfortable. The lights were reflecting in the puddles on the walkways. A couple of being photographed in an archway on their wedding day. Campus tours were in full swing. The world felt alive around me, and I felt it, too.

As I walked, I thought about the path I have taken. My ability to look at other's problems helps me to understand my own. I am still traveling, staring at a fork in the road. I am still weighing options. I keep choosing a direction and then turn around to return to the choice again. I am still trying to make myself happy, but I keep looking to others to make me happy. I am still flawed. I am still feeling too many emotions.

E had said that despite not being married, I went through a divorce in 2009. I agree with him. If we had been married, separating stuff would have been much easier, though. E keeps focusing on the future happiness he might feel, whereas I keep looking to the past to determine the future happiness I might feel.

Happy Birthday!

On Friday, I celebrated my 30th birthday. I toyed with ideas for far longer than I should have, but I settled on a nice dinner and drinks night out with friends and family. This event really allowed me to see who is and who is not currently my friend because it is sometimes difficult to gauge when I have so many people I interact with online on Facebook.

I have noticed some people trailing off in their own directions. These are people who used to be deeply involved in my life. Unfortunately, they either don't care or don't have the time to even wish me well on my birthday. I suppose birthdays (especially those of significance) just make things clearer. I'm not upset about it at all, though. It's just the way social groups work. The dynamic of any group changes over time.


The majority of people who showed up are my newer friends, friends from fun evenings out. Friends from the music scene. Friends who have spent a great deal of time trying to get to know who I am now rather than who I used to be. Even my cousin and his wife see who I am now and commented on how much happier I seem. My cousin is my age, and we grew up visiting often. I know about his struggles with married life (not that there are a lot to speak of), and he knows about all of the issues I faced in my own relationships. The last few years have been more distant because it's not easy to find time to visit...or, rather, we don't make the effort our parents did when we were younger. This is something to fix because we've always been close, and I hate that I don't feel as close anymore. I think I needed to fix a lot within myself, though, which is happening.

Some of the others who showed up are very recent friends. When I was seeing Tony last year, I became friends with his friends. This wasn't a shock to me, but it surprises me that they are still my friends. Tony was even surprised that a one, in particular, showed up to my celebration because he rarely even shows up for Tony's events.

It's wonderful to feel as though I'm not an obligation because I am connected to someone else.

A few friends brought cards and small gifts. It was totally unnecessary and very sweet of them. I need to send thank-yous. Autumn made me a card and there was no profanity on it...I handed it to her and told her that it was missing her creative input. She promptly added the F-word inside.

I can't tell if my parents are happy or sad to see that I am now the practical daughter again. When I was most depressed, I asked for more extravagant things. It was nice to ask for a ladder and hear them chuckle at my down-to-earth, I-need-this gift idea. I also suggested a cheap electric weed-whipper for my tiny backyard. As I told them, I am trying to eliminate the years of dysfunction that has taken over everything, and that includes purging clothing, toys, books, trinkets, papers, etc. from my home. Perhaps next year, I should have a birthday give-away event in which my friends and family will select tagged items in my home and remove them for free.

My birthday celebration guests (Mom, Dad, Autumn, Christine, Uncle Gary, Aunt Sandy, Terri, John, Flavia, Theodore, Marco, Simmi, Rob M., Monica, and Tony) bought me dinner and drinks. At the end, Tony and Theodore seemed to be waiting each other out for the fictitious title of Last Guest Partying.

All-in-all, I had a good birthday. My students were well-behaved on Friday (as they usually are), and getting dolled up in a fancy silver and black dress, new shoes, and newer jewelry to head out for a night made it a wonderful day.

One Week

One week to go before I turn thirty. A few people have asked me if I am excited or sad. Mostly, I feel indifferent. I had thought that I would plan some big party or night out to celebrate, but it really doesn't seem necessary at this point. I don't really care, and I know others don't really care, either.

J called to ask what my plans are. I told him I had planned to hang out with friends. He wanted me to cancel my plans and spend my birthday with him. He thought I was choosing one person, in particular, over him because of past events. I explained that I know he isn't too fond of many of my friends because they are people who are truly comfortable with themselves - something he is not - and my old group of friends is a unique band of misfits who march to the beat of a very different drummer. Part of me wanted to give in and spend my birthday with J, but another part wanted to be regarded as independent and acting on my own accord.

At this point, I could go out with people or just sit alone at home. I honestly don't care. "C" asked when my birthday is, and I told him he should look at my profile and show some interest. He commented, playfully - but not completely playfully, that he'd already lost interest by the time I finished that statement. It's an awful thing to say to someone you have been seeing. Perhaps I should just stop interacting with him altogether. It might just boost my self esteem.

MA Project

I am not motivated to complete my project for my MA. This is the final step for graduation and a pay raise at work. I think I am not very motivated because we all had to accept last year's pay and I am not earning what my colleagues in other districts are earning. It's difficult to want to do more work to not have it be reflected in my pay immediately.

I think I shall force myself to complete my annotated bibliography tonight. I need to get moving on something.

New classes

My teaching schedule was revised yesterday. I now have German 1, two sections of Honors English 9, and two sections of regular English 9. Overall, I think I will feel much happier and less stressed. The four different preps were overwhelming, especially since one of them consisted of created individual (daily) lesson plans for each the 22 students in that class.

I washed my car today. It had been quite some time since I last washed it, and I've been driving on dirt roads a bit lately to avoid some of the most annoying traffic pile-ups around here. I have finally started to organize student work into manageable piles. I have no intention of grading work tonight, but I am ready to hit the ground running tomorrow before my staff meeting at 6:40 a.m.

What Doesn't Feel Right

I miss him. I miss him when I wake up. I miss him when I can't share my day with him. I miss him when I'm climbing into bed. I even miss him when I'm sleeping.

And something I learned today...he misses me, too, in all of these same moments.

It both pleases me and saddens me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if there is anywhere to go. I thought I was making the right choice before, but it doesn't feel right anymore.

ONE

A cold has invaded the life I wanted to live this weekend. At the same time, I am pleased that I was forced to rest the way I needed to rest. I've been stressed, and that has allowed negative thoughts to take over from time to time. I keep experiencing those less-than-stellar moments in the form of depression, weariness, and a general dissatisfaction with the current circumstances of my life. This probably doesn't sound all that different from what people may remember of me the last time we hung out. Truth be told, I spent several years feeling very much like I feel in this exact moment.

It's unwelcome now. I had one of those shifts in thinking that most people try to have. I've been happier. I've accepted some of the situations I cannot change and changed the ones I can. The trouble is that in this moment right now, I lack positive coping skills. I feel unhappy, unhealthy (I have a nasal infection), and completely worthless.

The friends I returned to when I moved back to southeast Michigan really aren't there. Sure, Melissa is still around, but she is married now and is making sure to build a solid union. Maureen and I no longer speak. I feel used because she put me through hell just being in her wedding and then she cut me out of her life afterward. While she recognized that we had grown apart, she failed to see that she was absolutely terrible with her demands (many brides are blind to their attitudes). When I wouldn't comply with everything, she painted me as a troublesome bridesmaid and must have chalked it up to stinginess...never acknowledging that I contributed a great deal of money (dress, shoes, bridal shower gift (several items), bachelorette party payment ($150), bachelorette party gift (check), wedding gift (a check), and I was present for everything I could be that didn't conflict with school or work (I became evil, I guess, when she had wanted me to skip a class one evening for one of her bridal gown fittings). I know brides get crazy and fail to see that what they are preparing for is a special day and life with their spouses, but I thought she had more sense than that. She did make the remark that it was her day on more than one occasion. I suppose I didn't want to see how selfish everyone else had told me she was since we were young. When her aunt was rude to me, I told her about it. Instead of jumping to my defense, I had to try to explain it to her again. She initially wanted me to just take it because she has to put up with her aunt after the entire event is over. I have never let my relatives (including one of my own aunts) treat someone I care about in such a manner. She did eventually fight that battle because she must have realized that something wrong had occurred.

I attended her barbeque (that I had been invited to). I was as pleasant as I could be with a recent injury and excruciating pain. I tried to strike up conversation, but she was cold and gave me the silent treatment for most of the visit. Had I known that she just wanted to be rude to me like that, especially in front of others, I would not have wasted the gas to drive there. I was hurt and angry by the time I left.

After that event and without discussion, she removed me from her list of friends on Facebook. I later received a book she had borrowed and a frame to replace the one her friend had stolen from me at her wedding. Yes, her friend. I don't want to say who, but I saw this woman take it from my collection of items as I was preparing to leave the wedding reception. The enclosed letter placed blame on me and stated a polite good-bye.

I suppose it should be a relief, but it's one of those situations that I wanted to resolve before we parted ways. I didn't get the opportunity to resolve anything with an old friend Mike a couple of years ago, either, but that was an entirely different scenario. Mike and I were instantly close friends in college. The rules we had for almost every other person did not apply to each other, and he and I became close very quickly. He was rational but fun.

The last several months of the friendship were strained. We would be closer then distant...closer then distant. We started to not see eye-to-eye, and there was this building tension and irritation that we couldn't quite understand. He walked out of my life by sending me an email that sounds suspiciously like one of his songs. I still miss him. He failed to see I was in distress even when I told him I was in distress. He didn't know how to deal with it. He just saw an opportunity to not deal with me anymore.

I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. I fucked up any possible relationship with Tony. I caught someone else's attention, but the whole thing would be fucked up, so why truly bother with it? Someone else keeps asking me out, and I am not interested. I am trying really hard not to dash his little heart into pieces, but I feel like doing just that so that people will leave me the fuck alone so I can lick my wounds in peace.

I feel like I hate everything today. Only one person has really asked me how I am doing this week. ONE. I am miserable.

I think I am going to stop being the person everyone else comes to for help. They can all go fuck themselves. They offer me nothing in return, even in the rare moment I need something.

fireplace

I want one day to burn all of my bad memories in my fireplace.

Every extra helping of junk food.
Every insult or curse from a student.
Every moment I felt I wasn't good enough.
Every chance I had to make other people happy and didn't.
Every time I felt conflicted and settled on nothing.
Every time I was quick to anger.
Every time I didn't measure up to someone's high expectations of me.
Every instance in which I failed my own tests.
Every dirty look..
or passing judgment...
or rude remark from people who don't care enough to ask.
Every extra box of stuff I truly don't need but won't part with.
All of my baggage.
Each of my missed chances that would have lead to a happy adulthood.
Every moment of feeling stupid.
Every moment of knowing more than others and not being able to convince them of the truth.
Every moment I didn't feel what I was supposed to feel.
Every moment I felt something and said nothing.
Giving up on people.
Believing in the wrong people.
Being lazy.
Lacking true compassion when others needed for me to understand and support.

Foot massage, please.

The start of this school has been stressful. The kids have been wonderful up to this point, but that may change soon. We are about to (as stupid as this is) change schedules to accommodate more teachers being added to the schools. This is great to lower class numbers, but I feel as though I am already accustomed to the hordes of students who enter my room each hour. I'd rather keep things the way they are, but I certainly can understand the plight of other teachers who may have over forty students per class.

I have yet to grade a number of items for students. I am exhausted by the end of the work day, and whenever I am able, I take a nap. My body is not getting enough rest at night, unfortunately. Waking at five seems to go against nature, as the sun is not even considering rising at that hour.


I stopped by the grocery store today after work. I bought (Strawberry Acai) Smirnoff Ice - a rarity for me. I rarely drink, but part of me was craving something sweet and alcoholic. I had one with dinner and opened another only to fall asleep on the couch for several hours. I was surprised. When I awoke in the dark living room, I was disoriented and felt mild kidney pain. I followed up with water, but it might be a long night for me. It seems a strong lesson for something so minor.

It's an even stronger lesson on the budget front. I had actually only visited the store to replace make-up I had dropped and broken on my bathroom floor this morning. I realized I was doomed when I couldn't resist the watermelon I passed as I entered the store. Then it was on to apples, carrots, and fancy bread. I bought pudding...another out-of-character selection. I was buying walnuts and pecans from the baking aisle, and there it was...cotton candy flavored pudding. It was on sale, too, so how could I resist? It turns out that it's really not that impressive. Boo, Kroger, boo!

I didn't grade anything I had set out to grade. I'm not complaining; I did get an evening to sleep. I just don't know how to stop feeling so behind with work.

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High School American Literature Documentary

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Fall

I refuse to keep trying to pursue the different men in my life. I'm done.

I may still take the phone calls, but I am not opening myself up to further heartache and misunderstandings. I may still choose to hang out with these people, but I am really bothered by the fact that they appear to believe that women should pursue men and that they have no responsibility in this.

If someone wants to establish a connection with me that takes place outside of the bedroom or late night drinking binges or beyond having me pay for absolutely everything (and having me drive all the miles to get together), then perhaps I will consider being a part of that. Until then, I am going to focus on my responsibilities for work and all the fun stuff.

This fall:

I am teaching English 9 - Credit Recovery, English (Honors) 9, English 11, and German 1. It's going to be stressful, but I am going to think about it as though it's a challenge that will showcase my talent as an educator.

I am still going to be a very active participant in band (both as a musician and as a publicist).

I am assisting another community band with a performance this month, so I have extra rehearsal nights.

The ukulele group meets once a month, and I have decided that I will make a better effort to supply music and show up regularly.

I am seriously considering a ballroom dance class offered in a nearby town on Wednesday nights (beginning this week). I need the physical activity, and I hope this will bring about a new friend base that will allow me to move on from those people who have made it clear, through words and/or actions that they do not value me. If nothing else, though, I will learn some new moves.

I am going to do more photography when the mood strikes - probably at farmer's markets and all kinds of fall festivals.

I plan to travel more (now that I don't feel so afraid of the world). I want to take road trips with friends. I want to go alone. I want to feel as though I can just decide on a whim to take on a new adventure.

Another friend and I are seriously considering teaching in Europe next year. I have found some useful information, and I think we might be able to do it. I just need to set this in motion now. If I decide to not do it, that is completely my choice; I don't know what the circumstances of my life might be in one year.

I am already writing more, which is the direction I want to go.

I turn 30 in October. I am trying to decide what I want to do so that I can invite friends. By the weekend, I should have a solid idea. I already bought a dress for myself. It feels like the kind of birthday that I need to dress up. If no one can come, I suppose that's fine. I will just go to my favorite place in Ann Arbor and soak in the evening. I do think that M will come. This would be a good chance for him to meet new people since he doesn't know a lot of people here. Maybe Mike A., although he did mention he'd be out of town the following day. Maybe some other friends need a nice night out.

I will go to a cider mill this year, probably the Franklin Cider Mill. It was a childhood tradition that returned a few years ago when a family friend came back to Michigan to visit. He could not have been happier to go there. I have continued to go there, partly because it's nice to keep such traditions alive and partly because I feel like I can reconnect with the child I used to be.

Kathy

My friend Kathy lost her mom this morning. I feel so sad for her. I wish I knew what to say to people in those moments. I express my condolences, etc., but it just seems too small an effort.

Her mom had borrowed her vehicle (a Jeep that Kathy has claimed on many occasions is the unluckiest Jeep in the world). She ended up hitting a tree and was going through bouts of surgery. Unfortunately, she did not regain consciousness after her surgery. Earlier this week, Kathy said that it was going to be a long road until she recovered, but her progress looked promising.

Rediscovered!

I have found so many things I thought that I had lost for good today, among them a necklace from Iran (from family friends), teaching materials, and a high school friend's music (recorded on audio cassette).

I found my nice diamond earrings yesterday while digging through a drawer in my living room.

I found gifts from former students who wanted to help build the cultural component of my German classroom years back.

So many things are returning to me. It makes me re-evaluate circumstances in my life.


The music was a great find. The friend was a musician through-and-through. He has always had this undeniable natural talent, and unfortunately, that has fallen by the wayside over the years. He didn't even have a recording of these two particular pieces (they are not songs as they have no lyrics). I found an old Sony radio with a cassette deck and played them. It took me back. After learning that the music tape was still of good quality, I recorded the music on my iPhone and emailed him the files (he, randomly enough, was online when I was online - a rare occurrence).

Sometimes the universe lines up and lets us have those moments and objects that serve to reconnect us.

Chipped away

All those pieces of myself that either I or J chipped away (through intentional or unintentional means) are starting to return.

I am writing every day now, even if it is only a short piece here and there. I play the ukulele daily. I think about poetry and storytelling and all the things I want to do to help others embrace what it means to be a creative person.

I am feeling ambitious and driven again. I rarely feel like sitting on the sidelines.

I feel political and have enjoyed a few rallies over the past several months.

I am working on a few home improvement projects that my uncle is still not aware of. That's fine, though, because I am improving this run-down place.

I am communicating my feelings instead of letting them control me and lead me to food.

I have taken it upon myself to visit several doctors. I still have more who I need to see, but I am doing much better.

I am making new friends.

I am moving on from old friends and old irritations.

I am trying to come up with a plan to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.

I am learning more about myself and how I deal with men.

---------------------------------------------------------

I called C today to let him know that his phone dialed me last night. It happens frequently when his phone is in his pocket. We joke and say either his ass misses me or his pocket called. We had a short conversation while he walked around a store. He seems to understand how my routine will drastically change and how I've been trying to prepare for it. We'll probably return to the 4 a.m. phone calls like I used to receive last year when he was just trying to keep in touch.

I still consider it a little weird to be in a flirtatious situation with him. We didn't always get along. In fact, I was convinced that he hated me when we were younger. High school didn't really create a strong bond between us, either. I suppose it was going our separate ways and reconnecting through a mutual friend that made us realize that we both probably missed out on a good friend in the past. He has turned out to be that, many times over. As far as something more, who knows? Time will tell.

We're not even comfortable telling our mutual friends that something is kind of going on, mainly because we don't want input from others. It feels like sneaking around, but it also feels like something that is specifically ours if we want it. There is one mutual friend who knows, though, but she is one of the most supportive people I have ever known. She listens without judgment. I'm not sure if C is aware that she knows just about everything there is to know on the subject, but I am aware that he has mentioned something to her, as well. If things work out, then I'm certain I will share that. If not, I don't have to deal with people speculating on the whole thing. No one else really needs to know.

The Saga Continues

I still see J from time to time. As he gets his weight and life under control again, I see more and more of the person he used to be. He speaks to me the way he used to. He works toward goals he seemed to have forgotten. He makes jokes and lives life to the fullest. I was hoping he'd make a return visit a long time ago, but life and circumstances get in the way. Who knows what I am supposed to do with the knowledge of his return!?!

A is getting set for some new directions in his life, which means change. He quit smoking in the spring/early summer. He's doing great with that. He seems to have adjusted without any major issue, which seems absolutely crazy because he's been a smoker for over fifteen years. He's attending college for the first time this fall, which I think scares and excites him. We hang out from time to time, but it's always stilted and tense until we are alone. We fight the attraction for a while, and then it's there, overpowering both of us. We kiss and then start a frustrating round of explaining our way out of the situation.

The most recent addition to this mess I created will be referred to as C. He and I haven't seen much of each other this summer. It started out strong. It started out with lots of excitement, but I think he was hoping that I would let sex be an option in a casual dating scenario. I thought he knew me better than that. Or perhaps he though he could be the one to change me. I can't be certain. We've had several rounds of tense arguments, not speaking for several days here and there. This week, he told me he met someone who he wanted to date. I thought he had called things off with me. I was hurt, but it was fine. Then he called me the following night get together. We still aren't being clear with each other. I don't know what to make of this situation that we are both irritated by but won't leave alone. We could go back to being friends. That would be fine, but it doesn't seem to be shifting back the way I thought it would. At this point, C is all you get. It is not in reference to his name, although one of you out there knows all about this C.

An old friend has been asking me a lot about my Saturday nights. Since the spring, he has asked for eight different nights. It didn't dawn on me that this could be a pseudo-romantic thing. I wasn't able to go because of my schedule, but now I just want to avoid the whole thing. I do not see him that way, and although he has not expressed any clear and direct interest in dating, the warning signs are there.

A new friend and I have been getting to know each other. M doesn't have a lot of friends in the area, and I've recently lost a couple of friends, so it's a nice fit. I'm hoping to actually start hanging out with him soon. We've talked to each other as part of a larger group, but it would be nice to not have to yell over performing bands. If, over time, I find that I like him, then great. If I only see him as a friend, then great. I am open to possibility, but mostly, I want friends. I need friends.

S asked me out a month ago, and I turned him down. I haven't spoke with him since that happened. I just want to avoid the situation repeating itself.

N hasn't returned my call from last week. When I turned him down in June, he didn't take it too well. I gave him space, but he we haven't yet talked on the phone. I wanted to give him time to deal with the rejection so that we can be friends again. I just want to talk to my friend.

Two Dollars, revisited

I received a package in the mail today that included the wedding planning book, a replacement picture frame place holder (mine had been taken by someone else at the wedding. I know who took it, but I don't want to say on here, as it might upset people to know that their friends "lifted" something and denied it later when I confronted said person), and a letter.

It made me sad and relieved at the same time. The letter was well-written. Kind. Direct. It expressed thanks for all the things that we shared that were positive.

Daydream, Actually

I have this strange daydream...

I visit some event in the area. I am with friends, different ones at different times.


Lately, I daydream this friend is Marco. We visit Eastern Market on some random late summer or early autumn Saturday morning when it's cool enough to smile in the building sunshine and yet it's still warm enough to walk around in my capri pants and a regular T-shirt, a stunning no-frills combination.

We saunter, taking pictures that we both tell ourselves might someday be something others want to buy. Contemporary images of a time-honored tradition. Off-center, color-saturated, deep and meaningful in a way that we have to argue to lay claim on some starving artist notion of what beauty truly is. We collect our imaginary money and thank imaginary people for their accolades.

We goof around, climbing stacks of pallets and other debris with our arms raised high in triumph, sampling a few of our agricultural finds, laughing and making faces at each other with dabs of blueberries on our teeth. Sometimes, it's grapes. Sometimes, I peel the grapes and spit chunks at Marco. And then, we laugh some more. I talk wildly with my hands, finally giving in to who I am and loving that I talk wildly with my hands. My playful teasing only bringing on more laughter and discussion of what a beautiful and perfect day it is because it is just that.

We visit the meat and fish market. I share that I'm a vegetarian, but we watch the men throwing fish into the ice inside the displays. We watch as men cut chunks of beef and pork and throw them on a scale. I pretend that this does not excite me. I pretend that this is offensive but Marco needs this moment.

I imagine this entry into Detroit is a kind one for Marco, who seems timid but curious about this city that is so near but still so scary in its almost foreign sensation to an Ohioan.

There is only a new friendship found over commonalities in failed relationships. There is only a new friendship where nothing existed before.

I sometimes picture running into Julie, a girl from a graduate reading class I took last fall. She is blond and beautiful and everything I'm not. I see her and approach. She smiles and asks me my name again. I respond, "Alicia, Actually" calling her "Actually" as a condescending tribute to the fact that she can use the word actually more times in one short conversation than I have used the word in my entire lifetime.

Marco walks toward us quietly, waiting for his introduction to someone who will inevitably ask if he was in our class, too. She doesn't notice that he is staring at her, seeing how beautiful she is. She doesn't hear his small utterances and minute contributions to the conversation. She means well and wants to connect with me.

While he is watching her, I tally how many times she utters the word actually. Eventually, her parents call her to leave, and she makes a strange statement about leaving all the "blacks" and heading back home to a "good area" - her random, innocent inappropriateness never failing her and going unchecked by others who are never quite quick enough to respond.

I tell Marco the story of how I began to call her "Actually." He laughs, and we begin to wind down as her sun-bright hair bobs into a minivan already peopled with two stable and comfortable-looking individuals who only wanted to share the Detroit they knew growing up with a daughter whose intelligence trails far behind her compassion and dedication to others.

That's where the day ends. There is no further adventure into the city. There is no return to the car. There is only a moment, sometimes advanced to a sunset that feels misplaced while we sit on a park bench with nothing left to discuss.

Spontaneity

Why does my spontaneity have to be during a period of spontaneity for you to be considered spontaneous? I just don't understand. What gives you the right to question my inclinations when I choose to stay home and do my own thing?

Granted, you tease me about it in a playful way, but the message is still there...if I am not willing to do what you want when you want, then I am somehow not living up to some expectation you have of me and my spontaneity. Do you not realize that that is ridiculous?

You don't get to determine when I do things, nor will I let you continue to comment on how I am not spontaneous because I won't hang out with you whenever you want.


You say "Jump."
I say "Fuck you."

"Two dollars!"

So, a short while back, I was "unfriended" by someone I have known most of my life. We used to be extremely close, but over the years, the friendship felt more like her trying too hard and me trying too little. This year, it came to a head.

The unfolding of the irritation is not what I wish to focus on; it's more about the manner in which she unfriended me. She decided to not act like an adult of almost 30 years. She decided to resort to just removing me from that part of her life. I'm actually okay with it because of how rude she was to me at a barbecue I attended (and yes, I was invited). She had been cold at other points, too, including her bachelorette party, even though I was the one taking care of her when her other friends continued having a good time. C stepped in to help me after roughly 35 minutes of taking care of her by myself, which was nice, but no one else bothered to even acknowledge that she had become ill.

I don't believe she recalls this. I don't believe she knows that yes, I did help pay for that party, even though it was more than I could really afford at the time and way more than anyone should be asked to pay. My replacement as Maid of Honor paid way too much for that evening. I also gave presents, as expected.

Hell, I had even allowed her to borrow a book to help her plan her wedding. She never returned it (even stating that she wanted to give it to one of her friends - I told her I'd like my book back), and I now feel like the kid in Better Off Dead saying "I want my two dollars!"


It's unfortunate that it has come to this, but I guess I am ready for her to not be a part of my life.

My life has been pretty good lately, despite some injuries. She hasn't bothered asking, and I haven't volunteered.

Scheduling Friends

I met an old high school friend for breakfast today because he was in town. It was a nice visit. There was a touch of oddness to the visit, though, because in all the years I have known him, I have never before hung out with this person without other people present. We've never really made plans to do this before.

It's not to say that he is someone I wouldn't mind hanging out with again. We've always gotten along. It just seemed like a stretch for us to embark on the new journey of hanging out without everyone else's discussions woven into our interaction.

I'm friends with his roommate and his brother. We weren't close in high school, nor are we close now, but it seems odd that, all of a sudden, we all seem to want to take the time to learn about one another. I have a schedule filling with friends.

We discussed what keeps us busy during these long, lazy days of summer and the things that we thought we'd be doing at this point in our lives.

All-in-all, it was a nice morning out. I don't see a lot of mornings this time of year, but I'm glad I saw today's.

New Treatment

The soft (medicated) cast on my right foot is already working its magic. By the end of a full week with this thing on, though, it definitely won't feel (or probably smell) so magical. At least my toes are not encapsulated by the mixture of paste, medicine and various bandages. I can clean them at will, very carefully, of course.

I am going to ask if I can have digital copies of my X-rays when I go in next week. It's not that I want to take them to another doctor. I just want to see if I can start to understand what's been wrong with my feet for a while now.

Heel spurs, tendonitis, arches that exceed normal standards, toe pain, muscle pain, poor circulation, weakness, etc. I am so much better with visuals. Plus, I could subject my friends to images of the insides of my feet. Now that would be fun!


I told some OTC pain medication that sent me reeling away from normal, calm interaction to a hyper version of myself. Some people were plagued with my outrageous laughing and joke-cracking over the phone. I don't believe that these people were really prepared for me in that state. That is primarily why I avoid all medication. My body just does not know how to react and I am often a bit wild and crazy, scratching my arms in true OCD fashion (sometimes my neck, legs, and torso, as well), and/or staring blankly at things while in a complete daze.

I've never felt compelled to try illicit drugs. There's never been a need, and I am always trying to feel in control of something in my life. There isn't much that I can control (not for a lack of trying), so sobriety makes me feel in control. If I really need to feel spaced out, Sudafed is enough. If I needed a depressant, alcohol works. Ibuprofen tends to do that, too. If I need to perk up, certain vitamins, herbal remedies, and mood stabilizers in something like Midol definitely do the trick.

Recent Fears

This blog seems to be the one place where I can unload a little bit. I don't see the need to visit a therapist because I know what is wrong with me. I don't need the diagnosis from someone else. What I do need is someone who will get me from where I am to where I want to be, and I don't believe that a therapist will be able to help me with that. It's an internal process. It's a simple process. I just have to do the things that are already obvious to me.

I'm just afraid.

And when I'm afraid, I lash out at others. I find ways to get a reaction out of them so that I can argue them out of my life. I use this to sabotage any sort of romantic relationship, too, because deep down, I really don't want to move on.

So, if anyone's wondering why they haven't heard from me beyond the Facebook status updates, that would be it.

I finally spoke to a friend who needed space from me. I pushed him too far in one particular conversation, and he was hurt - truly hurt - by what I had said to him. I feel awful for my part (which is most of it) in the conflict, and I fear I have destroyed one of the few lifelong friendships I've been able to maintain up until this point.

Yes, yes.

I chickened out yet again.

Open Doors

I have spent the last two days inside my home, exiting only to dump recycling bins and trash, plant a few seeds outside, and reach a hand out to the mailbox to find impersonal messages. The doors have remained open for most of that time, though.

So, what have I been doing?

Living and working for others.

I am being patient with people who may not deserve it. I keep trying to be understanding, but my own beliefs about what they should be doing after I spend my free time preparing things for them simply do not jive with what they choose to do. I am not expecting thank-yous as I had figured I wanted several weeks ago. I suppose what I really want is for them to give up their free time to, at least, consider what I have done for them. I want them to stop wasting time - stop wasting life.

We simply do not get enough time here.

That would be why I choose to open doors again. John Donne said "No man is an island." I can see what is out there and choose to be a part of it.

Starting Off Great on a Bad Foot (or two)

After the picnic yesterday during which I was awarded a certificate of appreciation, I went to bed early, woke early, and then lost all the momentum.

My heel isn't aching too much today, but I am still not in any shape to run sprints with it. The other foot (the one with the mid-foot sprain) is not healing at all. In fact, it is getting worse. I had to finally break down and contact a foot specialist. I have an appointment on Tuesday, but there is so much I want to do today, tomorrow, and Monday. I am not really in the right place to do them.

Because of the pain, I've become very anti-social, at least as it relates to physically going out and visiting with friends. I mostly just correspond with people using Facebook.

No one really calls me. I do receive the occasional text message, but that only goes so far.


Ugh. Enough of this pity party. I am going to crawl into the kitchen and scrounge up something to eat.

My Soap Box

I learned today that when you have someone figured out, it's better to just keep it to yourself.

I suspected something about a friend, so I asked a very direct question (only because it does relate to me). I wanted a direct answer. I can handle direct answers. In fact, I love direct answers, even if they cause me pain. Instead of a direct answer, though, I received a feigned emotional redirect with a question and sarcasm.

It's clear to me that I was right, but this other person obviously didn't see this about himself, so he decided to share disrespectful commentary with me through a text message. He also said I am on a soap box. I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposedly arguing on this soap box as we haven't had any conversation for a week or so.

He wants space, so I'll give it to him. I won't disrespect his wishes, even though he disrespected me. As much as I need to resolve this, my need will have to wait until he is reasonable again. If that doesn't happen, that's going to have to be fine, too.

What Would You Do?

As a society, I think Americans have lost something vital to any prosperous and caring nation - heart.

I often complain about the lack of action and reaction in others. I think the United States offers a fractured version of what community used to mean. And then there are shows like What Would You Do?

ABC may be trying to either instruct or shame us into realizing what we should be doing for one another.

It's unfortunate that we must use television to teach what parents are supposed to teach, but our society is so pregnant with glorifying despicable behavior and general disregard for anything outside of ourselves that I think we all need a reality check. I do applaud ABC for pointing that out to us and showing us how we should be acting and reacting (by stopping and speaking with people who do and do not do what we, as a society, believe they should do).


When I visited Europe a couple of summers ago, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find assistance. Germans are not well known for their immediate warmth (this is something that is developed over time in German culture). I had a medical problem on the flight over but did not need emergency care. The flight attendants brought me aspirin, but that did not alleviate the problem. They couldn't really offer more than that, but they did try to find a solution to my problem.

When I reached Frankfurt airport, the pharmacist in die Apotheke was very warm and very helpful. She saw I was in agony and made sure that I had absolutely everything I needed before leaving the shop. She also provided me information that I might need later in the week. I was appreciative and thanked her profusely. She looked surprised, probably because it is her duty as a pharmacist to help those in need and it is expected to act accordingly. I suppose I am not accustomed to people really doing what we in America consider going above and beyond to ensure the safety and comfort of others.

When leaving the Munich airport, I was puzzled by the brand new train ticket machine. It was just replaced and I was unfamiliar with the different options (I had made sure to make note of what the travel administration had said would be in the station to help move things along faster). I stood there, deciphering my different options (some were new and better deals and I wasn't sure what I'd be needing throughout my visit). A very sweet older woman approached and helped me, smiling the whole time, and explaining the options in English (I am aware of how "American" I appear, i.e. being overweight, standing in line with lots of space around me, and generally looking confused by other languages although I do know a lot of German). She was an absolute delight and asked questions that helped me figure out what I needed.

I thanked her profusely, as well, trying to demonstrate how much I appreciated her time and energy. She probably had some place to be. I wish I would have asked her name. When I thanked her, she seemed surprised, as if her actions didn't even beg a thank-you. Helping me must have seemed the right thing to do for her and no one should necessarily have to thank someone for that.


From watching WWYD?, I have learned that there are still people in the United States teaching their children to assist others, although the people who speak up and act are definitely in the minority (and oftentimes, people who are immigrants to our nation). I hope that seeing on TV what we should be doing as a society will send a positive message to the masses about what community truly means.

JERK

I don't want to jerk anyone around.

I think I need to do some soul-searching to make certain that I don't spend another year doing just that.


The truth is that I am no closer to knowing who I want to be with. The feelings are there. The people are there. I just don't know which direction to go.


I like being single. I don't want to be single forever, though. In fact, I just want to reach the point where I know who should be with me. The problem is that I need to try dating a few different people (I've learned that I cannot make the determination from a distance.). I cannot offer guarantees that I won't break someone's heart when I figure it out. This would translate into being jerked around.

I hate this.

No English

I didn't get the English position I interviewed for. I feel very down after learning this because the interview itself was one of if not the best interview I've had in my entire career.

The fact that the interview team discussed me as I left (I was still within earshot) and said really fantastic things about me made me feel very confident that this was a real possibility.

I am still waiting to hear about the part-time German position I interviewed for yesterday. The district is a great one, but I'd be adding the stress of finding and working at another place of employment to put food on the table. I would be okay with this if I knew something would become available down the line.

I am still dealing with the sprained foot. It doesn't seem to want to finish healing. I have some pain in the arch, which is making walking difficult.

I am almost done with my graduate project and an online class to gain a teaching endorsement.

Milwaukee

Milwaukee is who my mother suggested he is. Craziness!

Milwaukee-Inspired

The wedding I was in on Saturday was amazing! The preparations were something I did not look forward to, but the day was absolutely wonderful, from start to finish...and beyond.

I met someone - we'll call him Milwaukee because that is where he currently lives - at the rehearsal who inspired me. As one of the groomsman, he was everything to the groom he was supposed to be. To the bridesmaids, he was more. He pulled out our chairs for us and helped me up from my seat so that I wouldn't injure my sprained ankle and further. He danced with me, even though he knew he could not spin me, and we we had a good time.

He and I sat in the limo, talking about Europe, education, the job opportunities we both have at our fingertips, etc. He is absolutely charming, easy to talk to, and his good looks are a bonus.

Milwaukee kept pouring the wine, and we talked about the journeys we've been on. He grew up moving around a lot - not just around the U.S., but the world. When he brought up the international schools he attended, I felt this inspiration I've felt in the past. Having never attended one, I am really curious how they operate. I seriously considered a move to Europe some time ago (I even started the paperwork), but my gave up after my ex-fiance didn't see much opportunity for him to continue in his profession there. I stopped researching the schools that I would be applying to and gave up on this desire.

Saturday, though, gave me the chance to speak to a worldly man who (although a few yeas younger) has seen and done so much more all over the world. His profession sends him everywhere, and he seems to love the cultural variety of his different destinations. He knew some German, having lived in Switzerland for some time while he was young, and I was able to use that German tongue that is not exercised enough to retain what it used to know.

After the wedding and reception, a large group of us met at a local bar. I continued talking to Milwaukee about living abroad. I am infinitely curious about this experience as I have not had the opportunity to do so.

I don't know if this might be someone who becomes a friend over the years of gathering with the bride and groom, but he inspired me more than most people around me the past year. I am going to see what the world has to offer, and I am not going to waste another minute putting off what I put off for other people over the years.

Thank you, Milwaukee. I needed the reminder to get out there and live.

Oh, and I just learned from my mother that Milwaukee may be someone I knew as a very young child. How weird would that be!?!

You're Not Ready!

Speaking with counselors didn't help. All I needed was someone who would listen to the entire conversation and point out the obvious to me without an opinion that somehow was tied to her own preferences for my life.

The last several weeks have presented some new opportunities and some new challenges. I was psyched about some of these things, even though I didn't know what I was supposed to learn.

Without divulging how I learned or what I learned, I can still say that what I want and where I'm headed are guided by what I really want. I haven't lost sight of that.


I had thought that yet another friend was passing sort of cruel judgment on my status by saying, "You're not ready!" I was immediately offended. I argued against this, even though I didn't know exactly what I was fighting for or why I was fighting it.

I shared this conversation and a few others with one of the most incredible friends I have ever had. She didn't try to tell me what to think. Instead, she let me share and asked me questions that made me really think about my home, my life, my needs, etc. She helped me to connect the dots that I hadn't realized were much closer than they originally appeared.

Tonight I learned that I am not ready, just as someone else had said to me. This awareness is now reflected in me, and I can honestly say that I feel much better about it. I have an idea where I am headed, as all roads must lead somewhere, and it is possible to leave this entire situation behind and find something much more meaningful and positive.

Thank you ... for commentary (even though I didn't understand at the time and felt hurt at the time you shared it)...and thank you ... for listening, for helping with the analysis, for being supportive, and for just being the awesome person you are!

My Name is NOT Grace for a Reason!

Today started like most days. I heard my alarm sound, and I flailed my arms and legs to wake up and reach over to turn it off. I couldn't reach it. I had plugged my phone into the wall, so I needed to stand.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and hopped up. Unfortunately, something wasn't quite working right. I had absolutely no control over the muscles in my legs. I could feel my left leg straining to hold me up, but my right leg seemed without solid structure. It flopped sideways and I fell hard upon it.

I heard a popping sounds, similar to the sound of knuckles cracking. I felt a numbness for a brief moment and then lots of tingling in my right shin and foot.

I pull myself up to a seated position against the bed, slowly moving my legs up and down to gain control of them again. As I tried wiggling toes and bending and flexing my feet, I began to register this intense pain in my right arch and around the bones on the inner side of the foot. It was somewhat like a muscle cramp but much more intense. I could still move my foot, but the range of motion was limited due to some immediate swelling.

I pulled myself back onto the bed and lay very still, hoping that whatever was off would re-align itself. Eventually, the throbbing subsided a little, and I decided to try to walk. That was probably not the best thing for me. I was unable to stand again - not because I didn't have the strength I lacked before - because I experienced pain so severe that I was howling and crying out as I toppled over a second time.

I knew in that instant that I should visit the ER, but I didn't want to admit defeat. I crawled into the tub and took a rather clumsy shower and got ready for the day...at least as well as one can without the ability to put clothes on the standard way. I avoided going downstairs for a while because I didn't know how I was going to climb down without causing more pain.

I eventually settled on scooting down the stairs, one at a time. I couldn't crawl because pointed my toes was painful. I eventually got downstairs and tried to pull myself together.

I gave in and called my dad to bring over my mom's crutches. While I waiting for him, I sideways crawled about my place, gathering things I needed like my purse, shoes, and ice from the freezer (which was not easy to retrieve). I elevated my leg on the couch and chatted with friends online in hopes that their lives would be able to distract me from the pain.

My dad arrived, and we headed to the hospital. I was treated quickly after being routed to the non-surgical emergency pediatrics area (PEDIATRICS! ME! 29!). I had X-rays done, as well as an exam from a very attractive young doctor (who was wearing a wedding ring - darn). After only a couple of hours, I was on my way with the same diagnosis and treatment I had figured out on my own.

I'm in pain, but I will take it easy. I need this to heal as quickly as possible.

Highs and Lows

I got a library card today. I have been living here for one year, almost to the day. I have purchased books left and right, fully knowing that I could have checked them out of a local library. I just wasn't ready until today. I am now officially part of the community.


When I returned home, I found that the maintenance workers or landscaping contractors ripped out my flowers. They hadn't bloomed yet, but they certainly did not resemble weeds.

I planted the seeds in March. I have worked on the flowerbeds since then. I cared for them. I watered them. I nurtured them. I loved them.

They were a bit slow to start, but they were nearing their first bloom cycle. I am so upset that they are gone - not just because of the time, money, and energy I put into them - more so because their lives were cut short. They didn't get to do what every living thing tries to do - thrive and reproduce. They were doing well, but the lack of blooms means that I will have to plant again next year as these were annuals.

Psychology

So, after discussing a friend's struggles with the id, I started to think a little more about the psychology of my own experiences.


In a nutshell, here is Freud's theory on the structural model of personality:

The id is centered around the pleasure principle. Whether we are discussing needs or wants, the id is what drives us. This is part of the unconscious (subconscious).

The ego is the personality and is based on reality. This is the part of our unconscious (subconscious) that lets us know that other people have needs and wants, too. In addition, it's the ego's job to help us understand consequences. This portion does move throughout the other levels.

The superego is our morality. This is developed by those who raise us - parent figures and society (communities, churches, etc.). This pre-conscious idea is closer to the conscious.


The last year-and-a-half has been driven more and more by the id. With the health problems I faced, my doctors explained that reverting to more instinctual trends is a sign that something serious was going on. I can only conclude that I was still functioning through my ego, as there is almost no other way for a human being, navigating my life between different desires and social rules with many moments of conflict. I was using my ego/personality to get what the id wanted without much regard for the somewhat traditional values I hold. Wait, scratch that. I was left feeling incredible guilty, sad, and frustrated because my superego would not let me do much. Wanting someone else from who I had been with didn't fit with my values, either, so I couldn't win.

I felt very fragmented, and these three categories of my subconscious seem(ed) to be in the most ridiculous battle.

To explain more fully, overall, I wanted to have the life I had planned with Jeremy. It fit with my values, my personality, etc. There was something new, though, that my id wanted. The battle was on. The id still wanted what it wanted before, but it also wanted something else and I started down a path to get both, if possible.

It's not wrong for the id to act this way. The ego is supposed to consider the id's desires and then look to the superego for guidance about how to act. It wasn't doing this properly because the wants changed moment to moment. This jerking motion in my mind made it difficult to really consider the different paths I wanted. Therefore, the day-to-day existence was fraught with contradiction and actions that didn't make sense to others or to me. I could say with complete honesty one day that all I wanted was to be with Jeremy. The next day, I could say I was completely wrong, and that I wanted to be elsewhere. Each was true in the moment.

I felt very confused and disoriented most of the time, so it's no wonder I was experiencing panic attacks and fits of situational depression. It was similar to what my friends have described about suffering from bipolar disorder, but it wasn't high or low for me. It was Jeremy or Tony. Both sides of this had highs and lows. I just had no coping skills for that set of issues. I was a mess.

I'm glad I went to doctors and counselors for help. The most alarming part was the medical issue I was having. Severe vitamin deficiencies are easily fixed, although they can take some time if some organs are already affected by the lack of necessary vitamins and minerals.

I have been taking about ten different vitamins, including a multi-vitamin, since then. My nails, hair, and skin have all been looking better. My eyesight has improved...I had thought I was going blind in one eye last year. My right eye wasn't registering a picture from time to time, usually at night, which is scary. My eye doctor is probably happy that he doesn't hear from me so much now. That's an improvement for him, I'm sure! I still have bouts of kidney and muscle pain, but I think that that will always be the case.

My mind is more stabilized now...with extra doses of those particular vitamins that I never knew were so important to daily brain function...but there is still some conflict. It's a different conflict, though. It's more about which direction, in the long run, I want to go and what I can and will do along the way. Yes, there are currently more options, but I think it is healthy for me to be looking at possibilities and reasoning with myself. My id wants several things, overall:

1. a stable, happy relationship with a man - not just particular ones...it wants an overall concept. (Yay!)
2. some fun and excitement (as they relate and don't relate to a relationship with a man)
3. comfort (through food, drink, companions, physicality, mental process, etc.)

To get wherever I'm headed, I choose to let my ego temper the superego and set the parameters of what is permissible.

And...we're off.

No One Else

I am fairly certain that no one else reads this blog.

Situational Depression

The very worst part of summer are the days that are so hot that I am lethargic. Because I don't accomplish a lot, I feel depressed. It's probably the balance of having an incredible month last month. There has to be some down time.

I started something, or at least it felt like I started something with someone. I worry that I was wrong. I worry that I will never again feel the way I did a long time ago when life made sense.


I'm also depressed because I temporarily stopped taking the overload of vitamins I have been ordered to take every day. The pills make me feel sick, so I think I need to find liquid forms again. The liquid vitamins are more expensive and difficult to match dosages, though, and I need consistency more than anything. I keep thinking that I've improved my diet sufficiently that I can cut back on these things, but that is still not the case. I become emotional, needy, and very depressed. It takes a few days of vitamins to get back to normal. My doctors tell me that if I don't get this into a solid routine, I might have to actually start taking medication for this issue. I understand Situational Depression is an issue, but I refuse to take anything that will alter the chemistry of my brain. Plus, if I am still struggling with taking vitamins in pill form on a daily basis, what makes them think that I will take medication with more enthusiasm?

Never Accept

Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law. Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.

Meaningless Fornication

Some people offer bad advice. When I don't take it, they give it to me again as if I am not following it because I didn't hear it.

One of my friends suggested, when I was upset tonight, that I throw my morals and values out the window and start bedding down with different guys. What kind of advice is that for someone who truly believes in the connection that two people can share on an emotional and physical level? Why would someone suggest that meaningless fornication would make me feel better emotionally?

I have had this conversation a number of times with this individual. Part of me wants to cut him off from my friendship because he still does not respect some of the most basic elements of my personality and beliefs. Another part thinks that we need these individuals to challenge us in our lives to help us stand firm and develop a stronger sense of self.

I think men find sex to be liberating, whereas women find it to be the opposite (generally speaking). I felt shame in showing interest in it, and when someone I believed to be a friend try to force himself on me in college, it took that shame to a heightened level. As I came to terms with what happened and dealt with some trust issues, I began to revere what I was able to preserve through self-defense. It was not something I felt should be given to troops of men. It was something I had saved. It was something that should not be thrown around to any takers who might be present. Granted, this friend didn't know how messed up I was back then. This person didn't see the emotional toll it all had on me and what I learned about myself. I try to explain, but my speech falls on deaf ears.

I want to make him realize that his suggestion feels like an attack, but he misses my point every time. His advice drudges up emotions. The notion that I should let people not build a strong relationship and sense of trust in a committed and loving relationship and just use me for sex or that I should use others in this way absolutely sickens me. Such predatory actions such as these will not heal my broken heart (for which I am responsible) nor will they help to heal the re-emerging pain of the past.

Enough Analysis

The notion that it is summer vacation has officially sunken in. The trip to the Badlands, Yellowstone, and the Grand Tetons gave me distance and time to think. I have a much clearer picture in my mind of what I want, and yes, much of the change I want to have happen must take place within me.

I didn't feel I missed anyone on my trip. I am not accustomed to not feeling some sort of longing for companionship. I've spent so much my social life going from one long-term relationship to another that I haven't necessarily given myself the much-needed healing time in between them.

Last year, I toyed with the idea of a new relationship too early. I sensed this, but I desperately wanted to feel that there was someone there. I didn't know how to stand alone. It's so strange, too, because I've often felt alone in relationships and have projected a very independent persona.

I didn't feel alone on my trip this summer. In fact, I felt as though I had all I really needed. I am healthy again, despite the high body fat count. The vitamin deficiency that caused problem after problem for me physically and mentally is now completely under control. Yay for that.

I kept beating myself up over not feeling what others wanted me to feel. I felt some emotions quite deeply, but I've reached the point where I can recognize that even though those feelings were things I experienced, they are not everything. I do not have to feel bad about having them or not having them. I constantly want to make other people happy, and I strive to do this on a regular basis. That's not healthy. It's great to try to make someone else's life better, but if they don't do the same for me AND I am not doing the same for myself, then all hope is lost.

I still struggle with the idea that I am upsetting others. I feel like it's my job to fix it, but it can't be. Things don't always work out. I have accepted this, and I no longer want to beat myself up over the issue.

I've started living my life on a day-to-day basis. It's fun to think that I can just enjoy each day rather than try to figure out what to do to make it fit into some larger bracket of time or experiences. The spontaneity is helping me to visit with old friends. If I were to plan such events, I'd put pressure on them and myself to make the event feel a certain way. I refuse to do that. I haven't done that since, perhaps, April or May and my life has grown infinitely better. I'm happier. My friends are happier. They surprise me. I surprise them. It all works out.

Okay, I think I've had enough analysis of my own behavior. It's time to rest. Walking in the morning. I hope to find a new cool spot in this town. And I hope for more spontaneous moments with friends soon.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #13

Make me laugh daily.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #12

I will keep your secrets, and I expect you to respect me enough to keep mine.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #11

If you ask me out to dinner and I offer to pay, it is your job to assure me that you want to pay, even if it is an antiquated gesture. Whoever is doing the asking should be doing the paying.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #10

You need to stimulate me both mentally and physically. Spiritually would be nice, too.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #9

I need a man who finds my inquisitive nature and high need for mental stimulation fascinating and charming -- not "annoying."

New Beginnings

Stipulation #8

Do not criticize my frugal nature. I have survived almost 30 years with money in the bank. I could live quite easily on a low income. That is a good thing.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #7

While I do not necessarily enjoy getting flowers (ooh...dead flower vaginas), it might be nice to get me flowers once-in-a-great-while, just for the novelty of it all. You don't have to buy them. In fact, I like hand-picked flowers from a garden (not a stranger's and WITH permission) much more.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #6

If I ask you to tell me five things you have learned about me, you had better be able to tell me something.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #5

Be patient with me. I am not comfortable with leaps of faith.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #4

I will be your partner - not your parent. Do not expect me to take care of your responsibilities.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #3

You must accompany me to events I enjoy (not every single one) to show that you support and enjoy who I am as an individual. Conversely, I will attend events you enjoy because I want to share moments you enjoy, too.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #2

You need to have your life in order, even if you are still working toward a degree or some sort of license for a sustainable career and income.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #1

If you haven't decided within a year that what we have is headed toward marriage, there is no reason to stay together. I'm not going to waste any more time on anyone who doesn't have the conviction to follow through.

Recurring Dream

I am no stranger to recurring dreams, even though the loss of teeth dream hasn't been a regular for some years. The latest dream is that I forget where I've parked my car in downtown Ann Arbor (although it's quite hilly on some streets). It's winter, and snow is piled high everywhere. It's dark, and I am desperately trying to find my car because I have to go to work.

Sometimes, I experience slight variations...traveling with a small group of musicians, running from someone who has stolen my shoes, moving in slow motion while everyone else functions at regular speed...

I have no sense of direction in these dreams, and I know how that relates to my life. I don't know what it means that my car is simply gone from all of the places.

Friend

Please don't ignore me. You've always had a princess mentality, despite definitely not being a princess. Perhaps you never got to be one in a father's or a lover's eye. That has nothing to do with me, and it has never really gotten in the way.

We used to be good friends. Then you thought you were too good for all of us.

I just want my friend back. I want to be able to confide in someone who understands the different dimensions of it all. You were always that person.

I've always had your back; however, I now wonder if you've ever had mine.

I really need my friend.


I'm probably the one who ruined it all. I held back the things that would help you to fully understand my predicament. It's not a class thing. I respect anyone who stands where they are and strives for something. I can't tell you. I can't share because it's not mine to share. It affects me, though. It affects my future. It affects the parts of my life that I have yet to experience...that I want to experience.

You

Hey!

You know what?

I don't want to. YOU are in the wrong. YOU!

F' off.

Arguments, Disappoint, Declined Invitations...

I think I feel down lately because I am sick. I just got over something, it is seems that another cold was just waiting for its moment.

I invited someone out for an evening, but he declined. I was sad about this, but I will get over it.

I was invited out to dinner by someone who has not asked to see me in a long time. I wasn't feeling well at that point, so I declined.


I don't think anyone understands how I work, and I feel disappointed.


On top of this strange turn of events today, I got into an argument with a friend. He expressed that I make(or will make) too much in my profession. I think people fail to understand that teachers are paid a 10-month salary. Most of us request that our paychecks be spaced out over the summer so that we can balance our monthly budgets. It's a 10-month (9 full month) salary, folks. It's not an annual salary - that's why we are not paid what others are paid for having to acquire the same amount of training and degrees. Get a clue, people!

Still

I'm not accustomed to the "bad" days anymore. I set my expectations too high for the circumstances of my life today, and I felt really depressed this evening when things didn't pan out the way I had envisioned.

I am so tired of standing still.