2/27/11 - 5:15 a.m.

If I let myself, I can make an even bigger mess than the one I created two years ago when I was going through hell. This time, though, I can't blame a severe vitamin deficiency creating a mental imbalance (and everyone thought I was just having fun...crazy looks like fun from the outside, but it truly isn't when you are the one experiencing it). Being unhappy with life and relationships didn't help matters much, either.

I suppose the mark of being stable is that I can make the choice to not F things up. I wish I would have taken better care of myself years ago. I wouldn't be in this empty, lonely, horrible place I am now. The fact that I can see the cause-and-effect relationships clearly now is good. I don't have to travel the same path twice.


I reached out today to someone today, but he wasn't able to help me. I don't know why I am surprised every time I repeat this (I should probably redefine what it means to be crazy or stupid). For some reason, I keep hoping that he will be different - that he will be able to provide with me the behaviors that will send me into that elevated place where I can say that he gets it - that he gets me - that everything works the way it is supposed to. Oh, well.


This next week and weekend are going to be busy. I return to work to go through MME testing. It's not going to be pleasant by any means. It should be okay, though. I'll manage. I have a performance with CCB on Saturday in Okemos and a performance with AACB on Sunday in Ann Arbor. I am feeling a little stressed because I also have someone's birthday to celebrate on Sunday, and an out-of-town friend will be coming back for the weekend to see family and friends. We've grown closer over the past couple of years, and I like that he really isn't the same as he was in high school. He has asked that we hang out, which is cool with me. I am determined to find a way to fit all of this fun into my weekend.

McD's

I absolutely hate the McDonald's commercial with the people doing a choreographed hand-dance sequence because, supposedly, they are so thrilled about the Caramel Mocha. I feel embarrassed for the people who signed on for that advertisement. They will forever be linked to such a stupid marketing ploy.

The coffee drink may be delicious, but I am not inspired to find out. In fact, I want to boycott it because of the stupidity displayed in that commercial. I don't think I would be inspired by a more mature approach simply because I rarely visit McDonald's. I guess I just feel like complaining.

Career Plans

I've been thinking about my career lately. It's not a career I truly anticipated upon graduating from college, but I was open to the possibility. I found, early on, that it was the right path for me to take. Now I worry that it isn't.

I'm not dissatisfied with the work that I do. I love teaching. I love helping young people mature through study, discussion, and practice. I love seeing them achieve more than they thought possible.

Rather, I find the constant cuts and changing measures of success problematic. If the target is always moving, it's difficult to plan. I know that, in life, targets are always moving, but sometimes in education, they aren't. The stakes are simply changed in an effort to suggest that students are not advancing. This means, in short, that if you raise the standard that has been accepted for years as "minimum," schools will no longer be considered effective, even though the graduates may be able to critically think about the world and apply all of the necessary skills for study for work. It comes down to dollars.

The reasons I am considering leaving this field have to do with money and expectations.

The money issue is quite simple. I can barely afford to pay my bills now, and I live very frugally. I often go without things I know I need because I know that I cannot afford them. It has taken a toll through the years. There are more cuts expected - not because we have fewer students but because legislators seem to think that public school teachers have been earning too much. My ten-month salary in no way resembles what others earn in ten months in any other field with my level of education. I am required to take classes, earn additional certifications and degrees, but I have to pay for them out of my own pocket. I have to attend conferences, etc., on my own dime. I am not given adequate resources in the classroom, so I have to purchase them with my own money. I bring most of my work home with me so that I can finish what is impossible to complete during my workday. I do not receive compensation for this. I've done the research, and I'd actually earn more per year in a variety of different fields for which I am qualified. I'd have to give up the two-month "vacation," every summer, but I end up having to take classes, anyway, so it's really not a vacation at all. Oh, my retirement actually won't exist by the time I am old enough to retire, despite having purchase the five-year's credit because my first five years of teaching were not in this system.

The second reason has to do with expectations. All expectations for student success are placed on teachers - NOT administrators, school board members, parents, or the students themselves. I may see a student for a total of five hours each week, if they have good attendance, and I have to compete with cell phones, socializing, etc. I do the best I can. I show up early and stay late (very late most of the week). I give up my lunch break when students need extra help and will not show up outside of school hours. I put responsibility on my students' shoulders. This is now frowned upon by school leaders and parents. I want to be part of the good fight, but when I am expected to somehow teach (raise) someone else's child without some sort of support, it makes me distrust the entire system.

I don't know if this is just an especially bad year or if I really should be venturing back out into the career fairs, etc. I am thinking, though, that something's got to give. I don't know how much more I can take.

At least music is taking over my life again. I might be well-practiced enough to audition for a small professional orchestra somewhere. I could be okay with a 10-hour a week gig, with concerts, if I have another decent-paying job that will allow me to do that.

Setting a Precedent

Some friends of mine had something to say about someone else who wasn't at a recent gathering. I felt the need to defend him, even though what they were saying could be seen as true from an outside perspective. They said that he isn't happy unless he is complaining.

I was very bothered by this because I have been around this individual when he's been happy, and I didn't like that others couldn't see him that way. I jumped in to defend him and then realized that my reality and friendship with this person are quite different from others' realities and friendships with him. I felt honored that I know him differently, but I also felt stupid that I assumed everyone must see this side of him.

In any case, I hate being thrown into that role - as defender - because other people want to discuss someone who isn't there to defend him- or herself. It doesn't make for the most enjoyable gatherings, but when people know where some limits are, I suppose it sets the tone for what is right and wrong. I guess I don't mind being the person who sets that precedent.

Socks & a Solid Man

"I could see all kinds of sock."

Christine said this about Aaron's shorter-than-normal pants when they went to a concert on Friday night. Christine doesn't mince words, and I could almost hear the conversation she must have had with him when she saw his fashion faux pas. She said that she waited until he brought it up, which he did. I don't know what would possess him to bring up his own poor sense when he is doing everything in his power to impress her.

On a related note, Rob M. called me that night to make me aware of Aaron's pursuit of Christine. Rob has become quite the friend. I cannot express how much it meant to me that he was looking out for her, how he paid attention to the irritated and uncomfortable expression on her face, and how he made sure he got a hold me to keep her safe.

Most of my friends have retreated from me last year. It hurts knowing that people just don't want to be around me, but I know that I burned some bridges during my less-than-stable portion of my life. It sucks that since regaining stability and direction, other people don't want to be around me as much. Perhaps I am not as easily influenced, and therefore, not as fun for others. I will take and cherish these newer friends. They are probably better for me, anyway.

Gorillas

At the end of every work day, I meet with two teachers whose classrooms are near my own. We share the ridiculous moments of the day, the struggles we need help with, and general complaints about dealing with adolescents.

On Friday, I worked late. Really late. Part of it was grading student work. Another part was hanging out with the custodian Ronnie who cleans my room. We've struck up a nice friendship this year. While I was still grading student work, Liz stopped by to share her amazement with some students she has in class. She had taken them to the computer lab to do some research. Now, her students are primarily twelfth graders. She was circulating throughout the computer lab area and overheard two students discussing a topic not related to their assigned task. Naturally, she listened to figure out how to approach the subject of putting them back on task without causing a scene.

"Are gorillas real?"

"Yeah, I think so. I think I saw one at a zoo once. But they might not be."

She said both students went silent and began working on the assignment again.


Now, I understand that our students come from different backgrounds, but it shocks me when a 17- or 18-year-old has no idea whether or not a gorilla is an actual animal. Something has happened in our culture that has allowed students to float in a state of make-believe and has provided very little exposure to the natural world.

I will admit that I have spent the last two days chuckling over this absurd dialogue that Liz swears is true.

I'm left wondering, though, if I mentioned it to Ronnie. He would get a kick out of that.

I can imagine myself asking tomorrow, "Hey, Ronnie, did we talk about gorillas on Friday?"

He'd probably respond with questioning look and say no.

I'd then tell him that if he makes it to my room before I leave, he has to remind me to talk to him about gorillas.

Goals for 2011

(the beginning of the list)

Perform with the Ann Arbor Concert Band
Perform with the Canton Concert Band
Perform with the Ypsilanti Symphony Orchestra
Play and sing with the Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti Ukulele Group
Train for and run in the Dexter-Ann Arbor 10K in June
Donate twenty items every month to charity
Finish my MA project and earn my degree
Go on a road trip
Plant and sustain a garden and flowerbeds
Successfully knit something other than a scarf
Find a regular chess opponent
Read a minimum of ten novels/plays/etc.

:-(

I feel betrayed by two friends.

A Dream

I keep dreaming that my car is stolen. I go to pick up pizza and someone steals it from the parking lot while I am inside the building. I never learn, even though I remember during each dream that my car was stolen from that same spot every time. I routinely lock the doors, look back at the car, enter the building, and then within a minute of standing in line or reaching the counter, I look back out the window to see my car is nowhere to be found.

With what I know about the meaning of dreams and psychology, this probably means something along the lines of loss of how I move through life in regard to some of the qualities that define who I am: relationships, work, etc. The relationships that used to keep me going aren't there anymore or, at least, they don't move me the same way. Work doesn't really have opportunities for advancement that other fields offer. In any case, the dream probably has to do with some sort of failure or loss.

2011-01-29

I've always been so open with my feelings in the past, but I haven't felt as ready to share the more intimate details of my psyche lately when I speak to friends. I'm not sure if I am trying to protect them or protect myself. Even here, I didn't express everything, mostly because I didn't want others to know how deeply I was hurting. I realize now that I perpetuated this feeling because I let my worry about others' perception of me get in the way of healing.

I think I might train for a 10K. That way, I can find yet another outlet for, or distraction from, all of my emotions.

I woke later than I had expected, but the wake-up was better than I had expected. I felt motivated to do laundry, reorganize some of my dresser drawers, research different items for integration into my Shakespeare teaching unit, map out my calendar for the upcoming months (I'm incredibly busy, which I didn't expect), and watch The X-Files, Season 2. I find that having it on in the background makes me a bit more creative and ambitious. I'm still not sure why that is, but I'll take it.

I showered upon waking and my day is moving much more smoothly than other days when I wait an hour or so before officially starting my day. I allowed my hair to air dry, and I find that I rather like the wavy quality of my hair today.

These are all just random thoughts, but I don't care. It feels nice to be enjoying natural light seeping into the windows, a n

A New Look

I decided that my old blog page was a little too dark for me.

I just purchased more clothes, a new pastime that has allowed me to explore new trends, etc. I really do prefer the bookworm look, complete with the mild up-do and plastic-rimmed eyeglasses. Skirts, sweaters, flats...it's all starting to fall into place. I've been wearing some vibrant accent colors, although the trusty blacks and grays are still the primary threads.

I don't feel a hundred percent today, but some recent stress on top of a head cold sort of set me up for a weekend of rest and relaxation. Tempers are flaring at work. Schedule changes, accountability checks, exams, etc. It's all taking a toll on those around me. I, on the other hand, don't really feel worried.


I do feel somewhat left behind by my friends lately. I've been slinking back into the shadows because I think I know what I want and I am distancing myself from those who want something different for me. I learned that my friends have strong opinions about who I should be with. It's no one's decision beyond my own. I really don't want to hear their suggestions that I should be with someone else because they would be with someone else. They do not know all of the details about the different people in my life. It is not their business to know. I stopped asking for commentary or for others to listen some time ago, but they do not stop telling me what to do. When I ask them to stop, they become irritated and state that they are "just trying to help." Then they tell me that it is my decision, and I can do what I want. This would be fine if they meant it. I can understand tone quite well, and the tone each uses indicates to me that they don't believe I can make the right choice for myself.

It's disappointing that people think that I shouldn't live my own life on my own terms.

I probably won't be spending the time I used to on sustaining these friendships. I just feel like there are some people I can leave behind now. I never tell them how to live.

My Friend

Your job is to support me. Maia taught me that last summer.

I've had close friends my entire life, but I suppose I didn't fully understand what the purpose was until now. I'd always been there to listen to my friends, but I don't think I had ever truly felt supported until Maia came into my life.

She is one of the most amazing people I have had the privilege to know. She has a beautiful family, a career that allows her to support others in their times of need, a darling husband who seems so completely terrific, and a wise kindness that allows her to see beyond what the rest of the world sees.

She told me last summer that although she had her own ideas about where my life might be heading, she knew she was supposed to support me in the choices I make - that the choices are MINE to make.

I think a lot about this particular conversation we had. It became clear that she stands out among my friends. She is one who isn't talking about me negatively behind my back. She isn't telling mutual friends that I need to leave behind the most important relationship of my life. She isn't lecturing me about still not being where I think I should be. She isn't giving me bad advice about meeting and interacting with new men.

Maia, you are an exquisite human being. You have experienced so many things, positive and negative, and you've never let anything keep you down. You are one of the most positive and wonderful people I've ever met. I am so fortunate to know you, and even more fortunate to have you as a friend.

Thank you for being the person you are.

The Need

I keep wishing for clarity without actually doing the work that would lead to clarity. I kick myself for not knowing which direction is right for me. The most I have done is figured out several directions that are not right for me. I get foggy, though, and backtrack when I am feeling unhappy.

I feel selfish worrying about my love life. I act like this is the biggest issue in the world, simply because it affects me, but there are others facing far bigger challenges and limitations. I should be focusing on ways to help them regain what they have lost or never had to begin with.


A handful of friends keep asking me why I am filling up my free time with music. This is why. When I play music, the worrisome inner monologue quiets and I can actually think. I can feel what I am supposed to be feeling. I can name those feelings. I've had so much imbalance in my life over the past couple of years that I was unable to process my emotions the way I need to process them.

CCB provided me a starting point to build up my performance skills again. AACB has provided me the chance to focus, fuse the right and left hemispheres of my brain, and challenge myself to be more in tune with purpose, beauty, and the rhythm of life. The AAYUC has given me license to be a little different, much like I feel when around most people. The very brief time I have been with the YSO has allowed me to be moved by the emotion of music written for the entire range of orchestral instruments. The chords aren't just breath. They are extensions of emotion and movement starting deep inside. I've needed this for a long time.

No Resolutions for 2011

I was actually happy for 2010 to pass. Granted, there were many uplifting, wonderful moments (friends getting married, independent road trip, new romantic interests, new musical paths to follow, etc.), but the emotions of 2010 ran high, and I struggled to regain my bearings for most of the year. I know my friends tired of hearing me talk in circles and act in ways that didn't necessarily jive with what they had helped me understand about myself. It was, basically, a year of truly starting over, complete with the immature, self-indulgent moments that made me feel as though I had returned to my teenage years in the worst possible way.


I'm looking forward to new experiences tempered better with my resolve. I'm looking forward to picking a direction and seeing it through. I'm choosing to not state resolutions for this year because I understand that habits take time to break, and I have to allow for setbacks that aren't necessarily allowed in the scope of resolutions. One setback equals failure, and I refuse to let a setback destroy the work I am doing in practice or in belief.


Here is what I have already slated for 2011:

1. Canton Concert Band (although I may leave this group)
2. Ann Arbor Concert Band
3. Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti Ukulele Group (We are planning to have shirts made and participate in the Ann Arbor Festifools Parade this year, if time allows.)
4. Ypsilanti Symphony Orchestra (I'm trying them out for their first concert of the season. I'm not entirely sure if I will be sticking with them.)
5. Teaching (of course)
6. Finishing my grad project and earning my MA
7. A road trip to a still-undetermined place (possibly with friends, possibly alone again)


I'm considering starting voice lessons because I want to learn how to sing properly. I also want to take guitar, piano, and ukulele lessons. Heck, I'd even consider some drum set lessons again, because I can't seem to direct myself like I used to.

A Turn

I received an apology for something that upset me earlier in my vacation, even though I had already decided to let the matter go and was willing to forget it. I was surprised.

I've decided to get my life moving again. Some discussion with an old friend tonight really made a few things clear. There was no judgment. There was only understanding. He's kind of in the same place, so although he could tell me what I need to be doing, he fully recognizes that it's more difficult than just accepting and following advice.

RCBSJCWMJBJWADNBRWCW

So, there's a weird buzz in the air. I think this desire to remain single for a decently long period of time is finally starting to shift. I wouldn't mind being part of a couple, as long as the whole thing progressed slowly.

Now all I need to do is find the right guy, I guess. No problem, right?

Merry Christmas!

I celebrated Christmas Eve with my immediate family. I received some of the things I asked for. I also received some stuff I really have no use for. I suppose that is the normal progression of things, right?

I was happy that people thought of me, and I was even happier that they liked what I had made or purchased for them.

We had a really relaxed celebration. My dad made homemade pesto pizza (which will be a more-than-exquisite breakfast tomorrow as I spend yet another Christmas Day alone). Mom had stopped by Ruby Tuesday to buy croutons by the pound for our salad (since they are my and my dad's favorite).

I brought homemade bread and some cookies (Autumn devoured the cookies).

We opened presents in the living room, a fairly standard practice. I was disappointed to see that my sister and her husband had a few more boxes to open than I did. This was not due to there being two of them.

My parents opted for a gift card for me to IKEA. While it's not a bad gift, I just sort of felt left out when I had provided my parents an emailed wish list from Target, itemizing a number of things that I would have liked (namely lamps and some odds and ends I could really use). I find most stuff at IKEA to be absolute garbage (especially their lighting products), excluding the couch I am sitting on now (although I don't think it's going to last for too many years). I had told them previously that I don't want anything else from IKEA because it all breaks so easily.

I know this makes me sound ungrateful. It just would have been nice to get a gift card for Target since everything I would like is there. Or, perhaps, a gift card to any place other than IKEA.

I didn't share my dissatisfaction. I had to stop myself after I asked them what I should get there, trying to send the message that I hate the place without causing some stupid argument. My mother replied, "Arm chairs that go with your couch...oh, wait, you bought other chairs...um, lamps, oh, the lamps you want are at Target." She then said she didn't know because everything I want is at Target this year. Really? I mean, really? How can one listen, seem to understand, and then not connect the dots?

I tried not to sulk because they bought me other things that I had asked for. I tried to keep myself in good spirits. I thanked Autumn for the presents she gave me. She said it was easy; I had emailed her a list from Target.


I hate receiving gift cards. I find them cop-outs to actually getting something for someone. Sometimes, that's fine, but if someone provides you with a detailed list and you are going to spend the same amount, why not get the items they want to open? It makes them feel special when they know that you ordered, found, carried, wrapped, and given that special item. I also have a terrible habit of not spending gift cards on myself. I wait for someone else to have a birthday or, hell, even the next Christmas to spend them on other people. I wouldn't want to buy anyone anything at IKEA, though. Wobbly dressers and kitchenware that falls apart while you are using it are not the right way to say 'I care.'

I'm certain I will go in there, battling the sea of pushy, loud, obnoxious, vile assholes each with their four to seven children in tow, to find something "special" to spend my gift card on. And I'll love it.

A Friend

I spent many hours talking to someone about life last night. I'm so grateful that he's softened so much from high school, although he was never outright mean to me, specifically. He and I have caught up on several occasions in the past couple of years - for his thirtieth birthday two years ago and on Facebook when I was dealing with new relationship issues.

He was diagnosed earlier this year with cancer. He's an optimistic person, and he was able to beat it very quickly with surgery and radiation. This visit home is more of a celebration of life than Christmas, although there has already been some merriment for him.

He put a few things in perspective for me, and through our interaction last night, I think he sees me in a broader context. I've been feeling a little down lately, and he knew what to say and do to lift my spirits. It's been quite some time since someone was able to figure me out like that. It felt very good learning that I don't have to feel the loss of a former friend because I have some pretty wonderful ones around me now. They may not say things in the exact way Mike would, but they offer exactly what he used to.

I plan to hang out again tonight, but I offered my place as a setting. We don't need to be hanging out in loud bars, etc. I just need to finish cleaning my living room, dining room, and kitchen. I think I might box up most of the stuff and throw it in my music/clutter room upstairs.

Seasonal Sadness

I feel really depressed today. The day started with so much potential. I slept in until 8:00. I organized the linen closet and then started to get my living room clutter under control (minimally). I sat down to eat breakfast and wound up watching crappy and depressing movies on Hulu.

The depression is making it very easy to avoid the Christmas shopping I still need to do. I am actually daydreaming about the different ways I could die. I know some might see this as a cry for help, but please be assured that I would never, in fact, commit suicide.

I'm just feeling low. Alone. Very alone. And not the good kind of alone that spurs a sensation of independence. It's the kind that makes me feel like I have no solid place. I don't belong anywhere.

This may be the first time in over a month that I've allowed myself to really feel the emotions rolling around inside of me. I usually don't have time to feel anything. I just sort of live my life day-to-day and eventually get tired enough to fall asleep. Going numb has helped me get through some crazy levels of stress at work.

Speaking of work, I really should put something in motion to teach in Germany, Austria, Switzerland, or Liechtenstein next year. I should do it for me, but I could do it to find out if R was serious about wanting to go with me. Why does he say such things to me, especially after I told him I like him? Doesn't he know that that might give me (false) hope? Or should I just buy into what Christine keeps saying...that men are fucking stupid? I really don't want to believe that.

I don't feel as though I really have anyone I can talk to. Eric has his own drama and doesn't need anything else to weigh him down. He gets too intellectual about these things sometimes, too, which makes me feel like I have to put on the academic hat to peruse his problems and my problems. Tony made a snide comment to me last week which I will never forgive him for. Maia is in Canada. Christine just wants to complain about men. James just wants to drink. Joe has Carrie and Carrie has Joe (not that Carrie and I have done much of the supportive stuff with each other in the past couple of years). Maureen is no longer my friend. Jeremy wants to focus on building a relationship again when all I want is someone to unload on right now. Marco and I don't know each other well enough. Melissa's still in the blissful newly-wed stage of her marriage, so she rarely has time for me. In fact, we haven't even met to celebrate our birthdays (October birthdays). Mike A. is MIA, although I see him on FB. I am tempted to cut him out because he hasn't responded much in the past few months. Mike V. is no longer my friend. The truly sad thing is that he is the only person in the world who would know exactly what to do or say that would turn my entire day around. Aaron only offers suggestions of sleeping around. He doesn't really listen to what I'm feeling.

I hate this time of year. I hate weekends. I hate being so alone. I hate feeling like I have to put on a happy face for everyone and everything because I have no one to be close to. I hate Christmas cards this year, with my friends' and family's (playful but depressing) suggestions that I get a "dear" for Christmas. I burned several of them in my fireplace, and then felt guilt, regret, and panic that something could happen to these people and I don't even have the last thing they wrote to me.

I've decided that I will go to my classroom next week to put up new posters, etc. Perhaps I might even get my lesson plans done then so I don't have to worry about them the Sunday before we return. The only place where I feel like I have purpose is at work. This is probably because it was all I had to hang on to a couple of years ago when my entire life fell apart. I had my students. I had my classroom. I had something. Then I got laid off. Being called back last year was a good thing, overall, but the kids were awful. This year's students are similar to the students I had two years ago. Their hearts are good ones.

I'm hoping that writing this will help me process some of the dark emotions so that I can move forward and feel happier this weekend. I want to lead myself to believe that because I have expressed these thoughts somewhere I will not need to carry them around with me. I think I will just watch some YouTube videos or start The X-Files series again and drink alcohol today.

Wait, scratch the last part. I will need to drive later when I muster the strength to go Christmas shopping tonight (yes, tonight, when most people are out on dates and visiting friends and enjoying drinks at bars).

Where is he!?!

So, the last month or so has been really stressful. I have focused primarily on work, simply because there is just so much to do. I also find my stress relief at work. I see R almost every day. Our playful dynamic is wonderful, but it is probably headed nowhere.

I told him yesterday that I like him. I was feeling bold, and we were talking like we usually do. He didn't share any reciprocal feelings or really comment on it at all. Instead, we just continued with the flirting and discussion. I was fine with this. I really hadn't told him to get him to admit the same feelings (although I wouldn't have complained if he had done that). It was more about liberating myself and putting myself back out into the world of the living.

We hung out a lot after I had told him what I was feeling. I don't know why I allowed it. It seems stupid for me to put myself out there and not have the other person really do anything. As we continued our discussion, he moved closer in the room (I can chart the weeks through discussion topics and physical proximity). Before he left, we discussed our desire to leave the U.S. to find some other place to live where the general population isn't so lazy, whiny, and egotistical. When I mentioned my (now-changing) plans to move to Germany for at least a year, he said he might just come with me. How am I supposed to take that when he couldn't even respond with anything after I exposed my feelings? How can I not hope?

He is communicative, but he seems somewhat closed off emotionally at times (at least when we discuss relationship-typed stuff). I've commented on this aspect of his personality, and he asks me how I can know so much about him...about the multitudes of things we don't discuss when we discuss so much. Why do I keep finding such damaged men? Why can't I seem to get anything going with them? Duh...because they're damaged.

He doesn't seem to want to stop our banter, our playful dynamic, or our daily routine of 1-2 hours of discussion, sharing, and joking. Eric thinks that R is probably not a closer. I somewhat agree. If he were truly interested, he would have set up something when I shared my crush, right?


I feel like quoting Charlotte(?) from Sex and the City (I've never really watched the show...I just heard this in a preview on TV): I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted. Where is he!?!

30

I think 30 scared him a little. Just a little. He thought I might be 28, which didn't seem so far from his nearly 26 years. I wanted to be 28 in that moment so that he could be right, so that he could not be scared that I am so far away from him because I'm not that far away from him.

It hasn't stopped our dynamic, so far, and I am eager to see if he looks beyond it. We are, clearly, becoming close friends with a side helping of flirtation. I rather like it, and he seems to not be able to get enough of it. I base this on his inability to stay away.

I enjoy his sense of humor, his inquisitive nature when he doesn't understand the words I use or the concepts I am discussing, and his general good gentlemanly persona. So many people aren't able to take my sarcasm. So many people don't ask about things of which they are uncertain. And so many people lack proper manners.

He's a good-looking guy who knows how to do stuff. He had tried going to college after high school, but it really wasn't for him as a younger man. He wants to do something now, which might suit him better. He knows about maintenance of homes and some carpentry. He has done electrician-type work and he seems to pick up new things quickly. He's patient and balanced in his daily life, even though he is tired of waiting for things to improve (who isn't waiting for that?). The more he shares with me, the more I want to learn about this man I see almost every day. I'm not interested in seeing if he is going to pick up the slack that others have left; it's more about me wanting to learn about him and what he has to offer. And yes, I know he has to have annoying habits...and I can't wait to find out what they are - if he'll let me.

I knew truly healing would be like this, small bits at a time.


On a somewhat related note, J. called to make plans yesterday. I wasn't feeling up to it, and even if dinner went well, I know I'd be thinking of someone else. A. never calls, so I suppose going out to dinner and then watching a movie afterward last weekend didn't get him to the point of acting on his own. Oh, well. The old R. called me last night to invite me over. I declined because of several things. One, I feel as though a slight cold may be coming on. Two, I am thinking about the new R. And three, I am not interested in watching him try his best moves to seduce me and then getting pissed off that I am able to keep myself composed and not sleep with him. He did let me know that he is off of work for the rest of this month. I'm surprised he would mention that. Let's just see if he tries to invite me out for dinner or something. Yeah, that won't happen. I am an afterthought to him, at best.

Sunday Morning

I went out to dinner with Eric and Meg last night. The original plan was to hang out with Eric to let him vent some of his issues with his wife in a safe place, but Meg learned of the plan to hang out and decided to leave work early. She is not threatened by me or my friendship with her husband; in fact, she seems to encourage it at times. She is trying to make me their friend rather than his friend.

I don't have any major issue with this except that I sometimes find her downright annoying. As Jeremy told me earlier this week, though, I am down one annoying friend (because so many people have decided to move forward without me) and adding a new one doesn't harm me in the slightest. Meg really isn't all that annoying. She's just the type to reduce a waiter's tip because she wasn't satisfied with how food has been prepared as she demonstrated last night at the restaurant. After the problem was resolved, she continued to express her disappointment over it. I suppose that I have just never been that person. I have only sent one dish back in my entire life - a salad was covered generously with bacon when I had requested that they not put bacon on it. Being a vegetarian, I consider that okay. I didn't reduce the tip I left. I didn't dwell on it with the other people in my party. I just waited for my new salad and then ate it.

Eric and I have a shared educational past that is laden with literary concepts and deep conversations over philosophy. As he tried to tell stories, he can use short-hand with me, in a way, but Meg decided to berate him for talking about things that I don't understand. He had to point out to her, in the most polite way possible, that I did understand because we are not new friends. Plus, we hail from the same program at WMU and have, therefore, studied many of the same things. He was uncomfortable and embarrassed with this exchange between him and his wife, but she didn't bat an eye. I felt terrible for the both of them for very different reasons.

Eric drank a third beer, making him more relaxed than usual. Meg had a second drink - white wine - that she complained didn't go with her replacement meal very well after she sent back her first dish. I can certainly understand not being pleased with that, but her dish had a cream sauce which usually pairs nicely with white wine. I think she just wanted to complain about something else. She was upset that the restaurant charged her for her replacement dish and expressed that that might make her never want to return to the place. There is no such thing as a free lunch (or dinner, as it were).

When we reached their apartment again, I decided to head home. Well, that's only partly true. I wanted to hang out with someone. James had asked if I might want to go to a Plenty of Fish singles event in Waterford, as he was being dragged to one by his friend Kelly. I declined the offer. I was dressed for it, but I didn't want to go. I want to believe that I am not yet at the point of needing other people's help in finding someone. I called Anthony, but he still hadn't started his paper for class (this was his excuse earlier in the day for not being able to get together - a valid excuse IF he had actually spent any time working on it!). He was snippy with me, as if I was somehow hurting him by calling to ask if he wanted to get together. Hell, I would have helped him with the paper, but he didn't seem to want it. I know I am to blame for all of this (ridiculously small amount of) stress that he feels. I mean, I gave him choices as a birthday gift, and he selected this one. It's still my fault, though, right?

Anyway, I went to bed around 11 because there just wasn't anything to do. The sleep was good, heavy. I woke several times throughout the night and had to rearrange my blankets. Apparently, I must have kicked them off over and over again. Either that, or I have some sort of ghost messing with me. I'd almost welcome that, too.

I read secrets this morning and am looking forward to a day of grading, lesson plans, and cleaning.

Sleepy

Taught all day.
Bowling outing for world language clubs.
Union meeting.


It was a long yet productive day. I just need to find my way to bed soon.

Stick a Fork in Me

I'm done.

Dream House

So, today Eric called to talk about some of the issues in his life. Well, correction: Eric needed a ride to meet his wife before heading to Grand Rapids. I think I had forgotten how much we leaned on each other back in college, and it has been wonderful building that again. I had been a terrible friend to him for some time - distant, focused on the negative, etc. - and so I recognize that more easily in my friendships now. I picked him up and drove him. On the way, I caught sight of my dream house. It is exactly what I want, right down to the small pond in the back. Unfortunately, during a weekend of disappointments, I suffered another blow: the house is listed at $595,000. I knew it would probably be a little out of my price range, but I didn't expect it to be that high. Even if I could get the loan, I would need a minimum of four roommates (the house has five bedrooms) with each paying nearly $1,000. a month just to be able to make the house payment. Yes, I was considering any way to afford this beautiful, historic landmark home.

It's the one I want.

I wish I earned more per year. I think I should polish up some of my college writing and get writing again. I need to bring in a heck of a lot more to make this dream a reality.

Check out the house.

Not good enough

Why would you call me in the middle of the night when we haven't spoken for weeks, not even to inquire how I've been. You tell me to come over, and I tell you I'm hesitant. You tell me to, pretty much, get over it and come over. When I try to draw out some information as to what to expect if I start late-night drinking with you, you hang up on me. You're a jerk. Plain and simple. You don't care about me in the slightest and we've known each other forever. You are a selfish, rude man, and you just made me feel even worse than I already did today, but you don't care. You are not good enough for me.


I am having a really rough night, and I realized tonight just how little I mean to those around me. People claim they are friends, but not a single person called me or called me back today. I tend to make most of the effort. Not a single one of you truly cares about what's going or not going on in my life, except for maybe Maia, James, or Eric, and Maia and I don't get to talk much anymore. I know that friendships goes through phases, but the fact that all of you are pulling away from me at the same time when I've put no demands on you makes me feel awful.

Christmas 2010

My parents and sister always ask for a list around Thanksgiving, so I thought I'd start brainstorming here. It's really odd how practical I usually am, so it takes time to figure out what I need.

weed whipper (electric)
a large rake (like the ones my parents use...I can't seem to find them anywhere, and they are better than most I've seen)
a food processor
a wok
a firewood bag (with handles - this could be a hand-me-down if my parents find theirs in their basement)

Woman Seeking Man

I am seeking a Man - not a boy - not a man-child - not a momma's boy - a MAN.

MUST: be between the ages of 25 and 35, be hard-working, be independent, be gainfully employed, be healthy, be communicative, be able to envision/imagine, be able to build, be knowledgeable about household skills (basic plumbing, electrical, etc.), have a high school diploma, be diverse in interests, be friendly, be non-controlling, be witty, be capable of intellectual thought, have good personal hygiene, know how to clean a home properly, be able to kiss well or be trainable, be ethical, not be married or otherwise attached, an animal lover, be comfortable with diverse friends, be a good listener, be extremely patient...

WOULD PREFER: a non-smoker, a moderate (social) drinker, a musician-type, dark-haired, green-eyed (although hazel and brown are just as fancy...but this is just a preference), medium-to-broad shouldered build, college-educated, a good writer (meaning decent ability to share information as necessary), someone who has no children, someone who has sustained long-term relationships in the past, someone whose parents required a lot of them growing up...


If this man exists, please direct him to me.

500

One baby step closer. This could be a go.

It's clear

I used to be so much more forward in my formative years. Why did that have to change? Did I just allow those skills to fall away as I believed I would never need them again?

I find this quite frustrating because I want to ask someone out. We dance around the topic daily, and he seems to be in the same predicament.

I want to shout that I like him. Several people already know, and they are colleagues. I didn't have to tell them; they see it.


How do I NOT alienate him if he's not feeling the same way about me? How can I battle through my fear of rejection? Can I really avoid it if I think he might be someone with whom I could find happiness?

I almost blurted it out today when we hung out for a while. It's getting closer and closer to the surface, and I don't know how to make it happen without the inevitable craziness. How do I do this subtly? How do I not make a fool of myself?


Deep down, I am not really afraid of the rejection of something more. I can handle seeking opportunities elsewhere. I am afraid of the rejection in the realm of friendship. We've been hovering there, and I don't want to lose that. I don't wish to alienate him. I want him to still feel comfortable talking to me.

Forward Momentum

Something is just working for me lately. I can't tell you what it is, but damn, I need to keep this up.

I need to ask my mother to cut my hair soon. I just wish it would grow faster so that I can chop off all the colored sections. I want my natural color again.

Today was definitely a wonderful day for me! I need more of these. That giddy, silly feeling. That love of anticipation. That energy surging through me. Something was definitely switched on today. More on that later.

His Father

So, Tony lost his father today.

They hadn't spoken in about six years, but I know the loss is far greater than Tony would ever let show. He learned early in life to hide his emotions. It doesn't mean he is any less upset than I would be.

It's unfortunate that Tony will never again have the opportunity to bridge that gap that was created so long ago. And it's all because some asshole drunk driver didn't have the ability or desire to slow down as he approached an intersection. The drunk driver hit two vehicles, injuring himself, killing Tony's father, and injuring the driver of the third vehicle. The drunk driver and the injured driver received medical attention and will probably be just fine. Tony's father will not. And Tony will not.

Please do not drink and drive.

Rant

Okay, so here's the deal...

If you want to ask me out on a date, just frickin ask me already. Don't ask if you'll see me somewhere and then get upset with me and throw information at me to make me feel guilty for not going, i.e. bothering other friends to go with you, bringing up other women hitting on you, etc.

If you don't actually make plans with me, I don't feel guilty about changing my plans for the evening. In fact, I move right to resentment because you just expect things of me that are not within the parameters of our current status. I've given up enough for you and am only willing to entertain the notion of dating you if you meet me in the middle. That's only fair. I will no longer be a martyr for anyone or any relationship.


On a related note...

If you call me at 11 p.m., 12:30 a.m., 1:45 a.m., and later, I am not going to interact with you. I'm finally sleeping on a normal schedule (the first time in my life), and it is doing wonders for me personally. Sure, the summer provided me ample time to change my schedule, but that is simply not the reality of my life at the moment. I have a very regular schedule because of work, community activities, committees, and health problems I used to face. I have these things under control now, and I would appreciate your consideration and respect.

alone for Halloween weekend

I feel alone today. I woke and quickly left to set up concert equipment at the theater. I have to return at two for call. My concert is at three.

I really don't care much about it, to be honest.

I don't care about grading assignments for my students. I don't care about the meetings, the lesson plans, the extra curricular activities...


The overwhelming loneliness makes me want to get together with any of the men with whom I've been interacting.

Jeremy wants us back together...with some changes I know I can't follow through on, even though I know that I'd have to for my own sake.

Tony says he wants more, and he is finally started to act like it. The problem is that when I have to say no when I really don't want to, he continues with his plan and then posts something about meeting some other woman. I had a panic attack last night. I was able to get myself under control, but he knew about it because I turned to him during it. I really didn't need to see his post today. I wasn't feeling ultra great today to begin with, so his disregard for my feelings makes me resent him. I know it's just par for the course and I should be expecting these things by now.

I think I made the mistake of talking up his good points for so long. I really poured on the negatives in Jeremy's case. Tony has plenty of his own. I suppose I wanted to live in denial just a tad longer.


At 12:30 a.m., I received a phone call from R. I didn't respond (because I was asleep and didn't know I received a message), so he called an hour later. I remember talking to him, but I was very tired and very confused. I've told him that his calls are too late, and I will not field them anymore. He didn't do much to make me feel better. He wanted me to get up and head to his place to hang out (which consists of kissing and then him pressuring me to do more...he gets a bit frustrated because I am not the type to back down when pressured). I haven't seen him in person since June because of this nonsense. Why is he still doing this? We've fought, decided not to speak, spoken again, become friends again, and now this? It's all eating away at me. I am not about to jump into some secret relationship or, even, a public one that puts me in a position to feel like I have to give up anything. F that.


Yesterday, I talked to New R. He had told me he probably wouldn't see me at all on Friday, but he still made time to do so. It was great. We talk about our individual plans for the weekends, and it keeps getting closer to invitations out. I see how it is progressing, and while I am patting myself on the back for "being patient" and seeing each stage in the process, I am also kicking myself for not making things happen sooner. I want this friendship, most of all, so I need to allow time to nurture that. If there is more there, then great. If not, then great. We both had planned to hang out with our respective friends this weekend, so we didn't suggest getting together - it might be awkward to introduce someone of the opposite sex as a friend to other friends. Those moments can be odd because there is always an assumption of something more. It wouldn't be the right time to bring around a new friend...costumes, craziness, and all.

There I go again, creating a set of rules that only serve to limit me.

There are already some minor things I notice about this man...he says Fords instead of Ford. It doesn't sound alarm bells, but it's still there. He's 26, which doesn't necessarily make me feel old, but it makes me feel like he would think of me as being older in a negative sense.


I guess I'm just looking for someone to listen to me lately. I really don't have anyone anymore.

492

Too frequently, I assume that status updates on Facebook have to do with me. This doesn't apply to all of them - just of those people with whom I have recently spent time or chatted. Part of the confusion is the use of the word you. I'm not entirely sure this isn't disorder-based, but I read the message and it seems like a cutting remark toward me.

I then shy away for a while, hoping someone else will ask questions that will lead to the true intended recipient. I know I have done this, too, which makes me kick myself for being unclear in the past.


With that off my chest, I want to focus on something more important. I keep daydreaming about being in a relationship again. At times, it's almost as if I am ready to move forward in some direction or another, but weekends like this one throw me back in that confused state about who and what I want. I wonder if others go through this, too. I hate being the most indecisive person in the world.

I had thought I wanted to go down a new path with a new person. Unfortunately, he did not call me (I'm certain he'll explain on Monday). I long for traditional roles in some respect. I want to be asked out. I want someone to want to be with me and have the confidence to put himself out there.


I also have this problem with previous people I've dated. I tend to show pessimism, and people often do not realize that I am downright optimistic about people and relationships. I think I show the pessimism to not come across as one of those bubbly-minded airheads who thrive in an ignorance-is-bliss existence. I fear being seen as stupid, and those who enjoy daily life tend to fall into this category. I see all of the hardships, inaccuracies, struggles, pitfalls, hopeless causes, etc., but I struggle against them and feel incredible doing so. This is really what I want others to see; however, I don't know exactly how to demonstrate it.


Jeremy texted me about getting together, mostly to pick up two books that have somehow remained in my collection despite being his. We still find we have each other's belongings, packed away in forgotten places until now. Our lives were so deeply intertwined. I truly believed we would end up married. We'd travel the world. We'd have a family. I'd convince him to get a dog (a husky or a lab, even though he said he would only want to get a German shepherd if he were to ever give in).

He wants to get back together. I'm scared of this because I give up pieces of who I am to accommodate him. If I can learn to not sacrifice myself in the relationship, I'd consider it. If he could learn to make me the first priority in his life, I'd jump at the chance to be with him again. I am finally over resenting him because I realize that, at some point, I made the decision to give up who I am to make his life easier. That falls completely on me, and I refuse to do that again.


Anthony makes no effort to connect with me. This is both my fault and his. He has never worked at making an effort in relationships, in part because he is of the mindset that people should just want to be together or not want to be together. This passive approach has set the stage for near-complete inaction on his part with women trying to make things work over the years. We give up because we are tired of paying for everything, making all the contact, making all the plans, doing all the traveling, waiting for a thank-you, and sharing only our thoughts on the stuff that really matters in a relationship. When someone else can't open up about anything, even though he clearly feels a certain way, it's just not enough for those of us who need to hear that someone cares or worries or wants us.

He snapped at me once in public. He tried to start an argument in Schoolcraft, as we waited for him to register. I was there to lend support (both emotional and financial). He became louder and louder with me in the line. He rarely gets to this level of frustration, through simple avoidance of anything stressful in his life. I turned to him and said, "I don't have to do this for you. I can walk out right now and drive back home. Is that what you want?"

He lowered his head and said, "No."

Very few of his friends know that I paid for his first college experience. It was a birthday present. I know he feels like he should have been able to do this, but I wanted to offer a leg up to someone who did support me emotionally when I was in the middle of an actual breakdown. I have also helped him with some of his writing for class this semester. I know he is taking more pride in himself, which is good. What I didn't anticipate was the rather unsavory commentary from some of his female friends that he has let go unchecked. One, in particular, stated that I am "not good enough for him" because of how things started and he's in school now, improving himself. I don't want to shine light on his financial problems, but come on...I'm the reason he was able to attend school at all. He knows of these comments, but he has done nothing to stop them. His inaction speaks louder than words and I feel used.

He doesn't understand my reasoning on this, either. I want to be able to look past this stuff, but I can't. I'm not built that way.


The old R called again last night. He understood that I wasn't going to head over to his place to hang out at roughly three in the morning. He wanted to talk, though, and wants to get together soon. It seems like he means a real date - getting dressed up, going out - during regular dating hours. He would never commit to meaning just that, though, and I find it frustrating. I'm not even sure I should give him the time and effort after the fighting and disregard he displayed over the summer. I have an inkling that the other woman he was seeing ended things and he is trying to pursue something with the consolation prize. I am no consolation prize. I may not be thin, beautiful, and young, but I have built a somewhat enviable life. Hell, even Ian crawled out of the shadows and asked me to coffee. It wasn't necessarily an invitation on a date, but it was a chance to share the good things that are happening with me.

The new R is still becoming a friend. I feel like catapulting forward, but that would only serve to cause problems. He and I don't like dating people who aren't friends first. We don't believe in picking up a stranger at a bar and building a solid foundation for something more from that state of nothingness. It's odd to have a crush on someone at work. I usually don't feel this way about anyone I work with. People have noticed our newly-formed friendship, and one teacher knows that I like him. She stated it in plain English and I became embarrassed. I'm sure my face turned red. It's fine because I feel kinship with this other teacher for a number of reasons: she has no intention of telling my secret, we both grew up in the Westland-Livonia area and attended Livonia schools, we both attended WMU, and we have similar viewpoints of the mess created within our district. Part of me is really interested in pursuing something new with someone new. The history factor doesn't need to be anything more than it is, whereas a trip down memory lane in another direction would probably serve to confuse, irritate, or gnaw at me. I like the notion that everything would be new. Everything would be a discovery. Everything would be a fresh start.

I don't mind the age difference, either. He's about five years younger than I am, but once we all hit our mid-twenties, we are fairly grown up and realistic about life expectations. We'll see if anything develops. I could see new adventures with this person.

491

I think I'm ready for something different.

Post 490

I simply cannot shake this depressed feeling today. I don't know what my problem is.

I'm tempted to have a fire in the fireplace even though it's not really cold enough for one. I just like the smell of it. It might lift my spirit.

Tried making a new soup (pureed carrot and onion). It's okay. Nothing spectacular.

Some thoughts on the dating scene

I'm too busy for a boyfriend, and for the first time since February 2009, I feel like I might actually want one. While this new-found loneliness makes me focus on what I don't have, it feels healthy. Our natural inclination is to find a mate. I am still not entirely sure if I am supposed to seek something new with someone new or seek something new with someone from my past. I am just sort of rolling with the punches, so to speak.

J is hoping for reconciliation. Most of me is, too. The trouble is that I would not be able to have further contact with A. I also fear that returning to the relationship would prompt a return to who J became during the course of our relationship. Our separation helped him regain who he used to be. I was left a broken mess for a long time. Many of my friends didn't want to listen at some point, and I learned who my true friends are. Real friends don't abandon you when your world comes crashing down. Real friends stick it out because they genuinely care about supporting you - not when you are eventually stop rehashing the same issue. And as much as some of my friends don't think J is right for me, he was there, doing everything in his power to help me when the rest of you weren't. Even though he knew that we might never work out in the end, he couldn't bear to see me falling apart. He picked me up, emotionally and physically (in those moments of complete despair that could have easily ended differently).

A makes no effort. All the work has always been on my end, except for the initial move to get me to leave J. The relationship type stuff has fallen on my shoulders. I truly understand why his former girlfriends left him, including the one who spent years destroying his self esteem. He's explained that he doesn't like questions or opening up. What woman would be comfortable with never hearing how special she is? What woman would put up with someone who doesn't feel the need to share or explain anything? I refuse to spend the rest of my life sitting on a couch watching TV to block out emotional connection. With that said, I don't doubt his feelings for me. Not in the least. I just think he didn't pick up on how good relationships work - he had no family model to work from, nor did he watch his friends' relationships for this information. I hate to think that he is a lost cause, because no one is, but it's starting to feel that way.

R - the one I've been referring to as "C" or "the Cat" - doesn't show much promise. I've known him forever, and while the notion of dating him isn't out of the realm of possibility, the crap isn't worth it. He pressured me for sex at one point - not his smartest move - but he said he understood why we wouldn't be going anywhere near there. He continues with hot-and-cold communication, and I don't like the implication that because I won't head over to his place in the middle of the night he will not even be my friend. Over the past couple of years, he has been incredibly supportive and kind. Unfortunately, he was a better friend than anything else he could have been. The thing that really upset me is that he didn't want any mutual friends to know that we were seeing each other. He did tell one mutual friend through Facebook, but as soon as he did, things went south. He ignored calls. He was rude on the phone when he did take calls. He started seeing someone else (which is fine because the casual dating scene allows that). He rarely made plans with me, but became upset when I made plans with others (not even dates). When he did make plans, they were at the last possible minute, usually in the middle of the night. I should never be an afterthought in my own relationship, right? Right.

The new R is no one I'm dating. I'm interested in dating him, but he and I both don't date people who are strangers. I'm enjoying becoming his friend, and if nothing more happens, I'll still be happy. He's nice to talk to. He's hardworking. He's determined to have a better life than what he has right now. Plus, he knows how to clean. We've known each other for a month-and-a-half, and I think we are well on our way toward a good friendship if nothing else.

I love

I love open windows, open doors, clean clothes, clean floors, disinfected kitchens, disinfected bathrooms, socks with toes, hepa filters in vacuum cleaners, new office supplies, sunsets, patio stones, fireplaces, potatoes, ranch dressing with mild cheddar and raisins, ironing clothes, tending to plants, falling leaves, writing, playing music, candles, kissing, long skirts, flirting, books, small spaces, and so much more.

Thinking of the world in positive terms is so much easier now than it used to be. I struggled to enjoy things. I kind of wish that some people could see me now. I kind of like that they don't. I feel grounded in something wonderful.


I think I will steam clean carpeting in another section of my home this evening. I will work on the flowerbeds tomorrow after work.

Sunshine

Sunshine doesn't hurt my eyes like it used to. In fact, my eyes rest wide open when the sunshine is the strongest. What an amazing sensation!

So...

So, I like him. What does this mean? What does this mean?

Grrr.

I let my negative emotions rise to the surface a little today.

This did not take place at work. This was at rehearsal. I am tired of carrying the weight (physical weight of percussion instruments) up and down the stairs without other members of my section helping. After snapping at two of them, I immediately felt remorse. The irritation and anger was truly unnecessary, but I felt fed up. I don't typically feel this way, so the emotions struck me as odd.

No Title

Drew asked me why I seem so happy lately. I responded with a quick, "I'm usually this happy."

He didn't seem to buy it, even though it's the truth. Drew and I have been colleagues and friends for over four years now, and his observation gave me pause to think about who I am at work.

I don't remember being miserable at work. Sure, it's a taxing job that wears one down over time, but I've never been an angry person at work. Stressed at times, sure, but never downright pessimistic. With friends, I could be. I could share my displeasure or irritation with the system over a drink. I could use that as a backdrop to complain about my life because I had many things going on that should not have been going on.


I must not have been showing my hope and optimism for some time. Drew wasn't at my school last year, having been shifted to the middle school due to seniority (I am just ahead of him on the seniority list - I signed my contract one hour before he did back in 2006.). He saw the beginning of the unraveling process the school year before when my life was not under complete control, but we didn't see each other much all last year. He didn't see how I finally broke free from the anger, frustration, pain, and other emotions that were gnawing at me. He didn't see me start to take better care of myself and get the vitamins I needed daily to correct some physiological issues that had resulted in some major health issues, both on the physical and mental levels.

I think he doesn't have a context for me now. He's surprised by my smile and frequent laughter, even though I didn't avoid these things before. I just used them more in the classroom with my students rather than with my colleagues during lunch breaks.

We are jovial in the workplace, which makes me feel connected to my peers.

I sometimes wonder what a night out with some old friends would be like, but then I remember that they are part of my past and would probably have no context for me now. They might see my behavior as an act rather than the current status quo, just as a few did when I started to let myself feel cheerful again.

Oh, and today I think I gave some "bad" advice to a friend. He had asked for advice twice, and he didn't like the direction I went the first time around, so I offered him the advice he wanted to hear. Of course, there was a disclaimer that I was simply playing devil's advocate because he didn't want to head down the opposite path and had asked again. My advice is never in the form of what someone should do. It's more of a possible (realistic) sequence of events that could result from the behavior someone else suggests. I am very good at mapping cause-and-effect scenarios.

German-American Day

My first hour German 1 celebration today was great fun. Students brought in food and we talked, watched videos, and sang traditional Bavarian (drinking) songs. My students were in such a good mood, and I was definitely feeling the same vibe.

Most of my classes were wonderful today. I have solved some mysteries I had with my third hour, and I think that the class behavior will improve over the next week or so.

Me

I learned today that I have much more self-control than I thought I had. In a meeting in which I felt attacked in my teaching (by someone who has not actually witnessed my teaching and had not seen the test scores of my previous scores), I kept my cool when all I really wanted to express was my frustration. I did point out, though, that my individual students are excelling in areas the rest of the student population are not. That is when the attack on my teaching began. I was displeased with this. Sometimes, I think school administrators "create" problems to solve so that when the results come out in his or her favor, they get a pat on the back from district administration for doing such a good job. It was a stressful hour, but I maintained composure. One year ago, I don't think I could have done that.

I treated myself to Quiznos for dinner and found it most disappointing. The bread tasted and felt different, which made for a bland dinner. It wasn't disgusting, but it wasn't what I remembered it to be. The flavors seemed muted.



On the brighter side of things, my classes are going well and I am finding my teaching groove. I am pushing myself to be more active, and it is working. My feet feel significantly better with the orthotics, and I am eager to start walking and then running again. Even when I was in excruciating pain, I wanted to walk and run. I just didn't have the ability to do so. I slowed down a lot last year as the pain increased dramatically. I can't believe I put off visiting the doctor when I wasn't even able to walk through my own home to get water or food. It took an additional injury to get me to visit doctors. The universe works in mysterious ways, and I am happy that I suffered (and am still recovering) from a severe sprain this summer. It gave me a new perspective that will help me to get back in shape.

My own relationship issues over the past two years are finally becoming something I can draw from to determine future actions. I often wish that life lessons could be learned faster, but they take time to solidify. I still stare at the fork in the road. It does not leave me, even though logic has made its arguments and I understand them. I don't think I'm ready to head down any path, and perhaps that is why I still see the fork. My heart and my mind have always been in conflict, but I feel more and more that this is beginning to fade into something new. I can't quite place my finger on it, but there is something there that will take the place of what has been causing me grief.

I'm also becoming someone my friends turn to when their own lives take a turn for the worse. I used to serve in this capacity before, and after several years' hiatus, the return makes me feel strong.

I like that I am reconnecting with old friends from college and making new friends from music and other social scenes. Relationships evolve and trying to hang on to the past when the past doesn't want to be a part of my present and future is futile. My birthday celebration showed me who is important in my life now, and I guess I hadn't realized until now that my new friends accept me for who I am now and not who they think I should be. It was an odd revelation. I was saddened, at first, that some of the people I thought were my oldest and dearest friends weren't there, but during the evening it changed. I am in the process of molding a new person here, in my own skin. These newer friends genuinely want to know me as I exist now. They want to have fun and celebrate life's good moments with me. They don't comment on my dating choices. They don't make me feel like I am not living up to some standard that is impossible for me to reach. The reconnection with old friends is about the same. They are letting me be who I am now rather than who they think I should based on college experiences we shared.

The Paths We Take

I met E for coffee yesterday afternoon. He has seemed somewhat depressed lately, and when he called to talk on the phone, I suggested we meet. He liked the idea so I got ready and headed to a coffee shop in downtown Ann Arbor.

I admit I haven't been the most responsive friend over the years, and he has often commented on my pessimism and detachment. I realized last year that he was right. I don't know why, exactly, I was distant, but I was.

I didn't go to his wedding five years ago. I didn't attend his 30th birthday party two years ago. I didn't respond to his calls and emails. And there was absolutely no good reason for it. I was just a crappy friend. I was so wrapped up in my inner turmoil that I didn't feel the need to give him the attention he needed as a friend.


Some background: I met E in a student organization in college. He had started dating another group member who soon dashed his heart into a million little pieces in late 1998 or early 1999. I was friends with both of them at first, but the woman was remorseless for her actions. In fact, she gloated about the whole thing. E was a mess, so I started to spend more and more time with him to help him regain stability. The woman was his first girlfriend and her callous actions destroyed him. I just couldn't sit idly by when he so clearly needed a friend (he didn't seem to have many of those).

We were both in the creative writing program within our respective English majors, so we met regularly to share writing with each other. We stayed up all night participating in writing marathons.

I felt safe in this friendship because I had no romantic interest in him. My long-distance relationship during these months was safe.

He developed a small crush on me, but we didn't let that get in the way of our friendship. I explained to him that he was probably latching on because we were spending time together and he was healing from the broken heart. It's easy to latch on to new people when we feel despair. We kept in touch over the years, some better than others, and with him living in Ann Arbor now, I am not visiting with him enough.

Back to the present.

The tone is E's posts and writings has been depressed. I have asked him several times about it, but he has not commented. Yesterday, he agreed that it would be best to meet, and I promptly arrived at the coffee shop.

He is thinking about leaving his wife. They were always very different people, but he said that he feels as though he puts in 95-100% of the relationship work only to be met with excuses for her inaction. We spent many hours yesterday discussing what he plans to do. I let him talk and then shared with him what I heard the most...the 'not' statements. She's not doing this...She doesn't do that and so on.

They've spoken about him leaving the marriage before, so this discussion with me was a way for him to look at the scenario from a different angle...the angle that only an outsider can see.

The situation is compounded with a recent infatuation with a woman with whom he goes to school. While nothing has happened, aside from a few moments of longing looks that he cut short and headed home, he is intrigued by this new person with whom he has so much in common, so much to talk about, and such a clique-like sensation. When I asked further questions, we determined that he is hovering around the deep infatuation state and nearing the in-love state. He is completely smitten with her, but he can still control his behavior around her. He planned a birthday celebration for her (for everyone in their shared graduate program) and attended with his wife. Unfortunately, none of the other students showed, and his wife was not pleased feeling like the outsider in some bizarre date her husband was on. E said he kept trying to involve his wife in the conversation, but he was so engrossed in the discussion about topics his wife does not comprehend that it became more and more of a problem. The fact that this new woman is a good match for him lead to an argument in the car on the way home.

E doesn't know if he should try to fix the situation because he feels like he's tried to fix it before and his wife hasn't been stepping up to the plate. He also has growing feelings for someone he is attracted to (she is one of those quirky red-heads).

I told him the things he didn't want to hear, but he said because he didn't want to hear them he probably needed to hear them.

I talked about how if he left his wife and jumped into a relationship with the red-head that he would always connect her to the break-up of his marriage and that there would always be a link to the emotions he feels now. Sure, they could move beyond it over time, but E is very much like me, and I know the emotions will gnaw at him. I also told him that he needs to disregard her for the moment. He needs to focus on one issue at a time, and right now, he needs to figure out if he wants to stay in his marriage. He keeps hoping that his wife will leave him and make it easy for him, but I told him that that won't happen. She is comfortable in what they have...the routine, the comfort, the day-to-day existence.

After he establishes if he wants to try to work things out, that's when he needs to set clear deadlines by stating that he can't spend another six months, year, two years, etc. living the way they live now. If he chooses to stay and try to work it out, he needs to give it his all - not some half-assed attempt to put on a show for others. He'd have to give her (and himself) time to make changes, make mistakes, grow, and retry. He is torn between giving her more time and saying she's had enough time.

I also pointed out that he doesn't know the redhead well enough to know all of her annoying habits. He is not aware of all of the things are ARE working with his wife. Instead, he is focusing on what is lacking and he is letting the redhead pick up the slack on those things. This is not to say that they (E and the redhead) wouldn't work out, but he is not seeing the whole picture. I didn't see the whole picture in 2009. I can only move forward now with the new knowledge I have gained.

I suggested that if he wants to stay and fix things, he needs to consult with someone who is practiced in guiding people through these issues.


We talked about what sex means to couples, especially after the types of conversations he's been having with his wife. For him, there is that element of wanting to feel good and the notion of This could be the last time. A female perspective, though, is more centered on He shared his worries with me and now we are closer emotionally and physically.

When his wife arrived to pick him up (he didn't feel like walking home in the pouring rain), I asked if I should head over to the car and say 'Hello' so that she realizes I am not some woman he is interested in. He said that was a good idea. She and I exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes before I walked to the Law Quadrangle on the U of M campus. Despite the cold rain, I felt calm and comfortable. The lights were reflecting in the puddles on the walkways. A couple of being photographed in an archway on their wedding day. Campus tours were in full swing. The world felt alive around me, and I felt it, too.

As I walked, I thought about the path I have taken. My ability to look at other's problems helps me to understand my own. I am still traveling, staring at a fork in the road. I am still weighing options. I keep choosing a direction and then turn around to return to the choice again. I am still trying to make myself happy, but I keep looking to others to make me happy. I am still flawed. I am still feeling too many emotions.

E had said that despite not being married, I went through a divorce in 2009. I agree with him. If we had been married, separating stuff would have been much easier, though. E keeps focusing on the future happiness he might feel, whereas I keep looking to the past to determine the future happiness I might feel.

Happy Birthday!

On Friday, I celebrated my 30th birthday. I toyed with ideas for far longer than I should have, but I settled on a nice dinner and drinks night out with friends and family. This event really allowed me to see who is and who is not currently my friend because it is sometimes difficult to gauge when I have so many people I interact with online on Facebook.

I have noticed some people trailing off in their own directions. These are people who used to be deeply involved in my life. Unfortunately, they either don't care or don't have the time to even wish me well on my birthday. I suppose birthdays (especially those of significance) just make things clearer. I'm not upset about it at all, though. It's just the way social groups work. The dynamic of any group changes over time.


The majority of people who showed up are my newer friends, friends from fun evenings out. Friends from the music scene. Friends who have spent a great deal of time trying to get to know who I am now rather than who I used to be. Even my cousin and his wife see who I am now and commented on how much happier I seem. My cousin is my age, and we grew up visiting often. I know about his struggles with married life (not that there are a lot to speak of), and he knows about all of the issues I faced in my own relationships. The last few years have been more distant because it's not easy to find time to visit...or, rather, we don't make the effort our parents did when we were younger. This is something to fix because we've always been close, and I hate that I don't feel as close anymore. I think I needed to fix a lot within myself, though, which is happening.

Some of the others who showed up are very recent friends. When I was seeing Tony last year, I became friends with his friends. This wasn't a shock to me, but it surprises me that they are still my friends. Tony was even surprised that a one, in particular, showed up to my celebration because he rarely even shows up for Tony's events.

It's wonderful to feel as though I'm not an obligation because I am connected to someone else.

A few friends brought cards and small gifts. It was totally unnecessary and very sweet of them. I need to send thank-yous. Autumn made me a card and there was no profanity on it...I handed it to her and told her that it was missing her creative input. She promptly added the F-word inside.

I can't tell if my parents are happy or sad to see that I am now the practical daughter again. When I was most depressed, I asked for more extravagant things. It was nice to ask for a ladder and hear them chuckle at my down-to-earth, I-need-this gift idea. I also suggested a cheap electric weed-whipper for my tiny backyard. As I told them, I am trying to eliminate the years of dysfunction that has taken over everything, and that includes purging clothing, toys, books, trinkets, papers, etc. from my home. Perhaps next year, I should have a birthday give-away event in which my friends and family will select tagged items in my home and remove them for free.

My birthday celebration guests (Mom, Dad, Autumn, Christine, Uncle Gary, Aunt Sandy, Terri, John, Flavia, Theodore, Marco, Simmi, Rob M., Monica, and Tony) bought me dinner and drinks. At the end, Tony and Theodore seemed to be waiting each other out for the fictitious title of Last Guest Partying.

All-in-all, I had a good birthday. My students were well-behaved on Friday (as they usually are), and getting dolled up in a fancy silver and black dress, new shoes, and newer jewelry to head out for a night made it a wonderful day.

One Week

One week to go before I turn thirty. A few people have asked me if I am excited or sad. Mostly, I feel indifferent. I had thought that I would plan some big party or night out to celebrate, but it really doesn't seem necessary at this point. I don't really care, and I know others don't really care, either.

J called to ask what my plans are. I told him I had planned to hang out with friends. He wanted me to cancel my plans and spend my birthday with him. He thought I was choosing one person, in particular, over him because of past events. I explained that I know he isn't too fond of many of my friends because they are people who are truly comfortable with themselves - something he is not - and my old group of friends is a unique band of misfits who march to the beat of a very different drummer. Part of me wanted to give in and spend my birthday with J, but another part wanted to be regarded as independent and acting on my own accord.

At this point, I could go out with people or just sit alone at home. I honestly don't care. "C" asked when my birthday is, and I told him he should look at my profile and show some interest. He commented, playfully - but not completely playfully, that he'd already lost interest by the time I finished that statement. It's an awful thing to say to someone you have been seeing. Perhaps I should just stop interacting with him altogether. It might just boost my self esteem.

MA Project

I am not motivated to complete my project for my MA. This is the final step for graduation and a pay raise at work. I think I am not very motivated because we all had to accept last year's pay and I am not earning what my colleagues in other districts are earning. It's difficult to want to do more work to not have it be reflected in my pay immediately.

I think I shall force myself to complete my annotated bibliography tonight. I need to get moving on something.

New classes

My teaching schedule was revised yesterday. I now have German 1, two sections of Honors English 9, and two sections of regular English 9. Overall, I think I will feel much happier and less stressed. The four different preps were overwhelming, especially since one of them consisted of created individual (daily) lesson plans for each the 22 students in that class.

I washed my car today. It had been quite some time since I last washed it, and I've been driving on dirt roads a bit lately to avoid some of the most annoying traffic pile-ups around here. I have finally started to organize student work into manageable piles. I have no intention of grading work tonight, but I am ready to hit the ground running tomorrow before my staff meeting at 6:40 a.m.

What Doesn't Feel Right

I miss him. I miss him when I wake up. I miss him when I can't share my day with him. I miss him when I'm climbing into bed. I even miss him when I'm sleeping.

And something I learned today...he misses me, too, in all of these same moments.

It both pleases me and saddens me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if there is anywhere to go. I thought I was making the right choice before, but it doesn't feel right anymore.

ONE

A cold has invaded the life I wanted to live this weekend. At the same time, I am pleased that I was forced to rest the way I needed to rest. I've been stressed, and that has allowed negative thoughts to take over from time to time. I keep experiencing those less-than-stellar moments in the form of depression, weariness, and a general dissatisfaction with the current circumstances of my life. This probably doesn't sound all that different from what people may remember of me the last time we hung out. Truth be told, I spent several years feeling very much like I feel in this exact moment.

It's unwelcome now. I had one of those shifts in thinking that most people try to have. I've been happier. I've accepted some of the situations I cannot change and changed the ones I can. The trouble is that in this moment right now, I lack positive coping skills. I feel unhappy, unhealthy (I have a nasal infection), and completely worthless.

The friends I returned to when I moved back to southeast Michigan really aren't there. Sure, Melissa is still around, but she is married now and is making sure to build a solid union. Maureen and I no longer speak. I feel used because she put me through hell just being in her wedding and then she cut me out of her life afterward. While she recognized that we had grown apart, she failed to see that she was absolutely terrible with her demands (many brides are blind to their attitudes). When I wouldn't comply with everything, she painted me as a troublesome bridesmaid and must have chalked it up to stinginess...never acknowledging that I contributed a great deal of money (dress, shoes, bridal shower gift (several items), bachelorette party payment ($150), bachelorette party gift (check), wedding gift (a check), and I was present for everything I could be that didn't conflict with school or work (I became evil, I guess, when she had wanted me to skip a class one evening for one of her bridal gown fittings). I know brides get crazy and fail to see that what they are preparing for is a special day and life with their spouses, but I thought she had more sense than that. She did make the remark that it was her day on more than one occasion. I suppose I didn't want to see how selfish everyone else had told me she was since we were young. When her aunt was rude to me, I told her about it. Instead of jumping to my defense, I had to try to explain it to her again. She initially wanted me to just take it because she has to put up with her aunt after the entire event is over. I have never let my relatives (including one of my own aunts) treat someone I care about in such a manner. She did eventually fight that battle because she must have realized that something wrong had occurred.

I attended her barbeque (that I had been invited to). I was as pleasant as I could be with a recent injury and excruciating pain. I tried to strike up conversation, but she was cold and gave me the silent treatment for most of the visit. Had I known that she just wanted to be rude to me like that, especially in front of others, I would not have wasted the gas to drive there. I was hurt and angry by the time I left.

After that event and without discussion, she removed me from her list of friends on Facebook. I later received a book she had borrowed and a frame to replace the one her friend had stolen from me at her wedding. Yes, her friend. I don't want to say who, but I saw this woman take it from my collection of items as I was preparing to leave the wedding reception. The enclosed letter placed blame on me and stated a polite good-bye.

I suppose it should be a relief, but it's one of those situations that I wanted to resolve before we parted ways. I didn't get the opportunity to resolve anything with an old friend Mike a couple of years ago, either, but that was an entirely different scenario. Mike and I were instantly close friends in college. The rules we had for almost every other person did not apply to each other, and he and I became close very quickly. He was rational but fun.

The last several months of the friendship were strained. We would be closer then distant...closer then distant. We started to not see eye-to-eye, and there was this building tension and irritation that we couldn't quite understand. He walked out of my life by sending me an email that sounds suspiciously like one of his songs. I still miss him. He failed to see I was in distress even when I told him I was in distress. He didn't know how to deal with it. He just saw an opportunity to not deal with me anymore.

I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. I fucked up any possible relationship with Tony. I caught someone else's attention, but the whole thing would be fucked up, so why truly bother with it? Someone else keeps asking me out, and I am not interested. I am trying really hard not to dash his little heart into pieces, but I feel like doing just that so that people will leave me the fuck alone so I can lick my wounds in peace.

I feel like I hate everything today. Only one person has really asked me how I am doing this week. ONE. I am miserable.

I think I am going to stop being the person everyone else comes to for help. They can all go fuck themselves. They offer me nothing in return, even in the rare moment I need something.

fireplace

I want one day to burn all of my bad memories in my fireplace.

Every extra helping of junk food.
Every insult or curse from a student.
Every moment I felt I wasn't good enough.
Every chance I had to make other people happy and didn't.
Every time I felt conflicted and settled on nothing.
Every time I was quick to anger.
Every time I didn't measure up to someone's high expectations of me.
Every instance in which I failed my own tests.
Every dirty look..
or passing judgment...
or rude remark from people who don't care enough to ask.
Every extra box of stuff I truly don't need but won't part with.
All of my baggage.
Each of my missed chances that would have lead to a happy adulthood.
Every moment of feeling stupid.
Every moment of knowing more than others and not being able to convince them of the truth.
Every moment I didn't feel what I was supposed to feel.
Every moment I felt something and said nothing.
Giving up on people.
Believing in the wrong people.
Being lazy.
Lacking true compassion when others needed for me to understand and support.

Foot massage, please.

The start of this school has been stressful. The kids have been wonderful up to this point, but that may change soon. We are about to (as stupid as this is) change schedules to accommodate more teachers being added to the schools. This is great to lower class numbers, but I feel as though I am already accustomed to the hordes of students who enter my room each hour. I'd rather keep things the way they are, but I certainly can understand the plight of other teachers who may have over forty students per class.

I have yet to grade a number of items for students. I am exhausted by the end of the work day, and whenever I am able, I take a nap. My body is not getting enough rest at night, unfortunately. Waking at five seems to go against nature, as the sun is not even considering rising at that hour.


I stopped by the grocery store today after work. I bought (Strawberry Acai) Smirnoff Ice - a rarity for me. I rarely drink, but part of me was craving something sweet and alcoholic. I had one with dinner and opened another only to fall asleep on the couch for several hours. I was surprised. When I awoke in the dark living room, I was disoriented and felt mild kidney pain. I followed up with water, but it might be a long night for me. It seems a strong lesson for something so minor.

It's an even stronger lesson on the budget front. I had actually only visited the store to replace make-up I had dropped and broken on my bathroom floor this morning. I realized I was doomed when I couldn't resist the watermelon I passed as I entered the store. Then it was on to apples, carrots, and fancy bread. I bought pudding...another out-of-character selection. I was buying walnuts and pecans from the baking aisle, and there it was...cotton candy flavored pudding. It was on sale, too, so how could I resist? It turns out that it's really not that impressive. Boo, Kroger, boo!

I didn't grade anything I had set out to grade. I'm not complaining; I did get an evening to sleep. I just don't know how to stop feeling so behind with work.

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High School American Literature Documentary

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