A step in the right direction

After Jeremy and I reconnected after his weekend away and my weekend hanging out with friends, we decided to really look at where we are headed. I've decided to cancel my interview in Richmond. Richmond is not where I want to be right now - in the future...yes, that could be a great option, but it isn't feasible at this point in my life.

I like being close to my family. My friends are nearby, and those who are a little drive away are still close enough for me to meet them in a mutually-enjoyable area, i.e. Ann Arbor. I don't want to give up that part of my life as it took a while to establish myself here again. I like that I've reconnected with people who were left out of some of my past.

I have about two more years of grad school, that is, before I decide to pursue a second master's degree. I haven't decided if it should be in Reading or German. Both would be so useful. I also would like to pursue a PhD in English and Education (a terrific U of M program that would open doors for me to teach in undergraduate and graduate English and Education classes).

The school where I teach has its issues, but every place has issues. At least I am aware them. I need to spend more than two years in that setting. I have two more years until I reach tenure, at which time my mentor teacher (the full-time German teacher) will probably retire. This will leave me as the main German teacher. I would love this, to be honest. She wanted the administration to hire me because she felt that I was a younger version of her, which is true on many levels. I don't know that I would want to spend my entire career there, but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, would it? Being in charge of the entire German program would be wonderful experience.

I am getting involved in more activities and committees.

I am part of a community band that has brought me back into the music performance fold where I belong.

Now, I need to work on convincing Jeremy to buy a house in Ann Arbor or Dexter - or I should just do this on my own and see where the chips fall.

A Question for You

Does anyone else out there have things they need to say but the words just never reach the surface?

Aug. 1st

Friday, August 1st - off the list
Wednesday, December 31st - off the list

Maybe Wednesday, October 1st? Easy one to remember...
Or Friday, October 31st?
How about Saturday, February 14th?
Or Sunday, March 1st?

A review of my resolutions

I have never been good at keeping up with my New Year's Resolutions, so I've decided to revisit my list and try to get things back in line or change the focus for the latter half of this calendar year.

1. (still in progress) Organizing my home has not happened. Jeremy and I have re-purposed several areas and we need to make adjustments. There is no excuse for our lack of decor, though, as we have many items ready to hang on the walls. We just never follow through.

2. (steps taken) I have joined Lifetime Fitness, I am more active, and I eat a lot healthier (except when we have dinner guests).

3. (not done) I have yet to pick up another instrument. Hell, I haven't even set up my drumset in the basement.

4. (better than before) I have kept a better schedule for cleaning my home.

5. (about the same) I have been writing a little...not the massive amounts I thought I would, but I have been doing some.

6. (no progress yet) The wedding ceremony thing has been put on the back burner while Jeremy and I work on house hunts, career shifts, grad school, new undergrad programs, and traveling.

7. (a couple of steps forward) I've played my uke outside and people on the playground have heard me, but I haven't participated in any open mike nights yet.

8. (DONE!) Jeremy and I visited Munich, Germany, for several days this month! It was a hoot!

9. (some progress) Buying a house is a HUGE deal, especially considering that Jeremy and I don't necessarily see ourselves staying in our current jobs for more than a couple of years. We both want to move, so buying a house right now probably wouldn't be the best idea. We wouldn't be able to sell it.

10. (much progress has been made) I've started to force myself to stop daydreaming. It's not like I don't from time to time, but it is no longer a constant experience.

Broader Horizons

I feel different now. Well, maybe not different. Perhaps more the same...it's difficult to explain, but I shall try. The old me was adventurous. I haven't been that person in quite some time, and traveling to Europe has awakened a part of me that loves all things new. I was scared to travel so far away, even though I would have jumped at the chance prior to graduating from college. It all worked out perfectly, though, and I was able to use some of that German I teach to my students.

The trip wasn't life-changing, but it did broaden my horizons. I wouldn't mind living somewhere else, especially if that place offered ample opportunity to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The U.S. does lack a certain connection I definitely felt throughout Germany (although I didn't visit a lot of places). While in Europe, we used public transportation and walked more than we would have in a typical week here. I can understand why Germans are such a healthy nation.


Other places we plan to visit over the next few years:

London, England
Edinburgh, Scotland
Ireland
Capetown, South Africa
New Zealand
Australia
Austria
Switzerland
The Netherlands
Belgium
Germany (again)
Poland (well, I want to go there to see the land of my ancestors)
Anchorage, Alaska
Montana
northern California
Washington / Oregon
Denver, Colorado

I'm Back!

Jeremy and I made it back to Canton yesterday night. We were happy to reach American soil, even though our vacation was terrific. It was a much-needed experience and escape for both of us. Munich was beautiful. We walked, talked, drank, and took lots of pictures.

More details later...

potato salad and other adventures

I am in the middle of making mustard potato salad. Normally, I don't touch the stuff, but my mother asked me to bring it today. I simplified an already simple recipe, and now I am waiting for the potatoes to cool down so that I can add them successfully. I've made a mess of my kitchen, but that is okay - I actually enjoy cleaning that room.

I met the Mikes the night before last for drinks in Ann Arbor. It was a wonderful night out. A seemed to want to "park it" in only a couple of places, while V and I are always a bit more restless. We seek spontaneity and changes scenes in our evenings out. After A and his brother left for the night, V and I traveled to a trusty old pub. We had wanted to visit the opulent wine bar we've spent time and money in the past, but they are closed on Wednesdays. I was a little disappointed, but I got over it. Side note: I, once again, saw this really familiar-looking guy in Ann Arbor. I have no idea where I know him from. He is at least 21, but he could be a former student or possibly a classmate of mine. I don't want to walk up to him and ask why he is so familiar to me. Perhaps if I see him again within the next few weeks I will say something.

After the pub, we wandered over to a diner for omelets. Mine was excellent, by the way. Mike mimicked the other drunk people at the diner, especially those with strong and loud opinions. It was hilarious.

One of my cats hasn't been feeling well these last couple of days. I decided to spend time with her and just comfort her. She perked up today, but I have still yet to see her eat her kibble. She ate a few treats and now she is rolling around in the sunshine, so I think she will be fine.

I am heading over to my parents' house today. I feel bad that I won't be able to make an appearance at Beck's barbecue, but I suppose that is to be expected. I learned last year that trying to visit with friends at different locations can be difficult to coordinate. Later, I plan to visit with the Posts and see Nathan, Jen, and Spencer. I haven't stayed in contact very well over the past year.

I

I am not following through with the simplest of tasks.
I am not writing.
I am giving up on myself when it comes to yoga.
I don't force myself to exercise.
I feel divorced from my own logic.
I feel like I am stuck in the mud and nobody is helping to free me.
I feel like a failure because I need people to help me.
I have a messy home.
I am not an affectionate person.
I don't feel inspired by anything lately.
I am not knitting as quickly as I would like.
I don't cook the lavish dishes I am capable of preparing.
I take very little pride in myself.
I am not losing weight.
I worry about what everyone else thinks of me.
I still haven't unpacked boxes from two years ago when I moved here.
I am unmarried...still.
I don't own my own house.
I haven't achieved all the things I thought I would by this age.
I am overwhelmed by life.
I have friends who aren't really there for me the way I am there for them.
I have trust issues.
I no longer care about politics - I've lost all interest and faith in our system.
I would disappear to another part of the world if I could take my cats with me.
I expect too much from my fiance.
I expect others to care about me.
I hate talking to my mother on the phone.
I want a job in the TC area, and I think I have an way in. I just need to act on it.
I have boxes and bags ready to donate, but I am too lazy to drop them off.
I don't play the piano anymore.
I haven't set up my new drum set yet, and I've had it since January.
It wouldn't matter if I shut off my phone for a few days. I only get a text message every once in a while, anyway.
I hate being plain.
I am not who I want to be right now.

Patience and Determination

I do not have the patience and determination necessary to accomplish the tasks I've created for myself. I don't know if it is the transition to my summer vacation or what, but it is starting to really upset me. I need the regimented life of a full-time job. I accomplish so much more when I wake early, complete tasks throughout the day, and then come home and complete tasks for myself.

I do recognize that I've accomplished some things, including rearranging my bedroom, obsessively scrubbing my kitchen and bathroom, laundry, dishes, sorting many papers for teaching next year - I've decided to plan the entire year and place all pages in a binder. I've also decided to include elements of cultural literacy to help students make connections between what is just expected of them to know and the literature and writing skills that they need to build. I think starting high school, especially in honors classes, needs to focus on the ideas that shape our culture and why we value so much diversity in literature and writing. I just hate that it is coming together quickly.

I really dislike how I am now determined to find instant gratification in this. That is one element of our culture that I've always felt needed to change, but I've changed instead. I need to get back into yoga. When I go to the gym today, I think I will pick up a schedule of group exercise, so that I can make sure I am doing yoga two or three times a week. It helps so much with weight loss for me - I can tone everything I've been exercising. Also, I tend to be more focused in my daily tasks and writing. The balance and flexibility make me less clumsy.

I should also go to cardio step classes and such. I tend to push myself when I feel that this is competition, even if the competition is against myself - to not look stupid or fat in front of others.

Right now, though, I think I will make myself some breakfast - something healthy...Cheerios, maybe, or steamed grits (even though they taste better fried), some fresh fruit...perhaps I should just plan all of my meals and snacks today and line them up in the fridge.

Credit

My credit score is terrific! I am just irritated that my apartment complex entered my name incorrectly and therefore, it appears that I have an alias. I have to call and get that cleared up. All they did was put things in the wrong order, but still...I don't need any extra hassles when I apply for a house loan or anything.


Today is such a beautiful day. I feel bad that Jeremy and I didn't enjoy it more. I took my car in for maintenance, and then we went to my parents' house for lunch (we were actually going to take my mom to the Strawberry Festival so that she could get an elephant ear or funnel cake, but she didn't want to go). Jeremy and I came home and tried to have one of those conversations that only I initiate - you know, the ones that examine what direction we are going, if things are really headed down the right path, yada yada yada. It didn't result in an argument; on the contrary, we actually tried to figure some things out. Then we parked in front of the TV and watched DEA on Spike.

TV = Soma

Just Wondering

Is it possible to experience "happy" and "unhappy" at the same time? Wouldn't they cancel each other out? Or do they get compartmentalized (which doesn't happen with anger - I know if I experience anger, I am completely angry).

Just want to hear your thoughts out there.

an evening to myself

Jeremy went to visit with his buddy Alex. It's nice to be home and not have anyone else around, except for the cats.

I really wish I had a house. I could be out in the garage using power tools and crafting something useful, like a bookshelf for Jeremy's books. I am tired of hearing that he's planning on buying a case. They are everywhere!!!

I should go to the basement and unpack more boxes while I have no distractions.

I almost peed myself!

After a series of kidney stone-related nonsense, I decided to hit Ann Arbor right square in the ass. Mike and I met for coffee, etc., which was nice. I drank vitamin water and we talked. We both went through stages of completing grading and talking. He is trying to distance himself from his ex-girlfriend Erica and I am always trying to understand myself and my life on some greater level.

Mike and I think so much alike that we often see where the other is going before we get there. I am thankful for a friend like this. (I also have Maureen who is capable of doing this, too!) We posed our little questions and discussed the elements of our lives that we haven't been witness to lately.

After shopping (yes, I am able to hold it together in stores for short periods of time) and going to another coffee shop, we went to Ashley's. I decided to trust my new doctor's assurance that I can have a drink or two while on my medication - there will be no deadly reaction (yippee!). I enjoyed a nice Weihenstephaner Hefeweizen. It was glorious. I had been craving a whiskey sour for weeks, but I didn't think that introducing hard liquor to my medication would be a good thing.

Mike and I examined our lives, as usual. We both tend to be very honest people, almost to a fault, so our discussions go quite deep (and direct). We are never brutal about what we think is going on with each other, but we do offer suggestions and more questions. With the stress in both our lives, as well as our ups and downs in relationships, our conversation seemed to see-saw from dark and blunt to funny and uplifting.

We didn't stay out too late - I blame myself. Had I had more work to do, Mike would have graded more essays and we probably would have stayed out longer. All's well that ends well, though, right? We left A2 by 11. As I was driving home, it became obvious that my kidneys and bladder wanted to reach our destination as quickly as possible. I managed to get home in time. I honestly don't think I could have made it another five minutes.

Those of you with kidney/bladder/urinary tract issues, you have my deepest sympathy. This is only temporary (this time, at least), and I am grateful that I will be normal again within a month or two.

An update

I have stopped writing in a physical journal altogether. I write online every couple of days, and although I love the whole act of scribbling on paper, I find that not immediately logging every thought, feeling, and experience is helping me to live in the moment. Jeremy says I often dwell on things too much. I think that is the nature of being a woman - we are just wired that way. Mike tells me that I analyze things so much that it takes the life out of the moments (which is right, because he does the same thing - we are very much alike that way - I can't tell you how many times he's called me during his dates with women asking for advice or needed to have me mull over his issues with his girlfriends).

The issue is that I want to write in a journal again, but I find that writing at night just causes me to wake up and I become inspired to write poetry and fiction (playwriting has fallen by the wayside lately). I don't know how to wake up and write because I have to leave for work so early in the morning. Also, whenever I go online and blog here or on MySpace, I am distracted by surveys to kill to time and I find myself writing things based on some of the questions posed.


Overall, life is really good right now. Even though Jeremy and I are holding off on wedding plans, we are discussing our life together. We are weighing different options with housing and careers. I am finally starting to look at the big picture that so many people talk about. I've always been a bit nit-picky, and I will certainly continue to be that person on some level, but I realize that most things that irritate me are MY problem and need to be fixed from within.

I feel happy in my teaching, even though the school leaves a little something to be desired. I know that I am making a difference and my kids are wonderful! Word to the wise: if you want to teach a foreign language, go for German. Only the best of the best tend to take German. I rarely have disciplinary issues, and when I do, they are limited to students being frustrated with the content and not knowing how to deal with that frustration. It is rarely, if ever, directed at me, but they might say a cuss word here or there. It truly is a wonderful thing to teach these kids.

My health hasn't been the greatest these last few months. I was quite ill for about two months (and I neglected to visit a doctor for assistance), and then I was hit with a large kidney stone, which has yet to pass and will most likely result in a stint or surgery within the next two weeks. The universe is telling me that I need to spend more time focusing on my health. I often focus entirely on my relationships or my career. This time, it does need to be about me. I went to Lifetime Fitness today. I pushed myself a little too hard and nearly passed out while running on the treadmill. The people at Lifetime are so nice and they came to check on me immediately. I felt like I wasn't being nice enough to them while everything was turning fuzzy and then black. Perhaps I will send a thank you note to them tomorrow.

I worked on my garden again this weekend, which really makes me feel great. I can't wait to get a house with some property (or, at least, a decently-sized yard). I am considering participating in the flowerbed contest in my complex. I could get $100 - $300 off August's rent, if I were to win.

I am taking care of so many things right now regarding retirement finances, grad school (program change), end-of-the-school-year responsibilities, doctor appointments, and so on, but I don't feel stressed. My senior English class will be gone after Wednesday, which means I have more time to grade things for my German classes during the day (when I am not subbing for other teachers - we have a shortage of subs right now). I feel this weird sense of peace. I need to start finalizing my travel plans for the summer (we are going to try to get to Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Alaska, England, and some places closer to home, including Traverse City, Battle Creek/Kalamazoo, and the U.P.). The only way we can afford this is through Jeremy's flight benefits - we are not well-off, by any means! I am applying to the government for loan forgiveness because I am public school teacher - they have changed the criteria over the years, but I do teach a foreign language, and that should help my chances.

I've been working on a few songs of my own on the ukulele. The lyrics need work, but it's nothing I can't handle. Now, I just need to build the confidence to sing in front of others. I should call Mike's voice instructor in Milford.

too much thinking today

Jeremy being away at work leaves me with too much time to think. I did a great deal of cleaning, which is always a plus, but the over-analyzing is getting to me. I worry too much. I consider too much. I daydream too much.

Is it really possible to shut all of that out?

In an effort to focus on something else, I called a couple of friends today. Will is getting ready for a trip out west and Noah is up to the same old shenanigans in Battle Creek. It's funny that I would choose to contact these two, as they are the opposites. One is Mr. Stable and kind. The other is Mr. Wild Man/pseudo-asshole (but never to me).

Will told me about his garden and the overabundance of plants he has for the space. He doesn't want to throw away any of it, but there is just too much. That is just the kind of guy he is - he has too much of a good thing, and can't part with any of it (nor should he!).

Noah, once again, tried to convey that his life is moving in the right direction. It wasn't that convincing because he still cannot sustain a meaningful relationship with a woman while still hitting the bars and strip joints (hardcore) with his buddies. He hadn't quite figured out the connection. I attempted to explain the female perspective on his behavior. I also explained the long-term implications of dating a woman who is completely comfortable with and enjoys going to strip joints with him. I think he gets it now. He said I made sense. And he said he probably won't date those women anymore simply because they always leave him for a woman. (That's got to be crushing to the ego!)

Noah says he wants to find a nice woman who will help him settle down. When will people learn that if they want to change, they must do it - one cannot wait for another to nag the behavior away. Are people waiting for their mothers or something?

I had (and still have) many issues regarding relationships. In the past, I constantly pushed people away in a variety of ways. I sabotaged relationships. I found ways to "escape" what I thought was trapping me. Luckily, I found really decent guys to date over the years - that has not always been my desire. I used to wish for the type that would treat me in a way that validated all of the terrible things I felt about myself.

While I still haven't pieced together all of the details and situations that caused me to be like this, I recognized this was not how I wanted to navigate my life and I made the decision to not be like that anymore. It's not easy, by any means. And it doesn't mean that every step forward is firmly planted. I regress. It happens. Then I make another stride forward.

This Week, in Review

Saturday, April 26 - Visited the ER. Determined I have a kidney stone. Prescribed Vicodin. Slept and felt dizzy from medication.

Sunday, April 27 - Slept. Felt dizzy from medication. Graded student work. Entered grades.

Monday, April 28 - Went to work. Came home after feeling so dizzy from my medication that I nearly vomited in my classroom. Spent the rest of the day sleeping and vomiting.

Tuesday, April 29th - Slept most of the day. Did not feel terrible. Was able to handle the Vicodin.

Wednesday, April 30 - returned to work. Scolded students for terrible behavior in my absence.

Thursday, May 1 - School day went well. Evening - started vomiting and could not stop.

Friday, May 2 - 1:30 AM. Determined I needed to go to the ER again. Pain. Vomiting. Got an ultrasound. Left ER at 5:30 AM. Slept. Did not attend my professional development day.

Saturday, May 3 - Woke several times with pain. Took Vicodin. Went back to sleep. Woke again and worked on garden.

Emergency Room Visit = Vicodin Prescription and a Beautiful Sunrise

I woke at 3:30 this morning to pain in my abdomen and lower back. This level of pain is not uncommon for me, and I initially thought that I might be able to just grin and bear it. The pain quickly worsened to the point that I felt it necessary to wake Jeremy and ask him to drive me to Urgent Care. I experienced nausea, the chills, a fever, vomitting, etc. for some time before deeming this Emergency Room - worthy.

Unfortunately, the large Urgent Care center on Canton Center Road was closed, and the one near Lifetime Fitness only operates (no pun intended) between the hours of 8 AM and 10 PM. Apparently locals may only have an emergency between those hours if they want to be treated.

So, Jeremy drove me all the way to Garden City Hospital. I don't really remember much of that trip, other than feeling a great deal of pain. I was groaning, whining, screaming, and trying to keep from throwing myself onto the road to end it all. I made Jeremy pull over as we neared the Emergency Room parking area; I vomitted in the grass. I felt so classy at that moment.

After parking, we entered the hospital. No one was in the waiting room. I gave my ID and insurance card, filled out their short form, and tried to hold it together. Within five minutes I was in Triage. After the initial assessment, the nurse said it sounded like I was suffering from either a kidney stone or an ectopic pregnancy. Yeah, that second one is not a possibility. I was fairly certain it was a kidney stone way before we left the townhouse, anyway, after I was able to push on different parts of my abdomen and there was no additional pain (appendicitis would not yield the same results).

After moving on to my little ER station, I had to vomit again. The doctor and an intern arrived shortly thereafter, and they did a quick assessment so that the on-call nurses could put an IV in my arm. I was shaking uncontrollably, partly from dehydration but mostly from intense fear (I have always experienced Trypanophobia - a fear of needles). They were able to get the IV in on the first try, so that was good. It took several minutes for me to feel the effects. I was in the middle of my CAT scan when I finally felt some of the pain dissipate. The X-ray technician was really personable and we had a nice conversation. When he dropped me off back in the ER, I thanked him, which now seems a little weird to do.

I waited for a little while with Jeremy, trying to hold a conversation. I have no idea how lucid I really was at the time. Only a couple of minutes went by when my doctor (and intern) returned to let me know that I have a kidney that is at least four millimeters. Yippee. I was out of the hospital within the next ten minutes. I may have been there an hour, at most. Everyone there was friendly and helpful. If you get injured, Garden City Hospital is one of the most inviting places to go.

Jeremy drove me to CVS, where I paid my $3.00 for my Vicodin knock-off (Hyrdocodone) pills. We stopped at McDonald's for plain biscuits (one of my favorite comfort foods, right after grilled cheese sandwiches), where Jeremy's rage was unleashed on some moron in the truck behind us. We were told to pull ahead to wait for our food, and the guy behind us kept pulling up closer and closer, honking at us, telling us to move. Jeremy got out of the car and started yelling at the guy. Not the finest (or classiest) of moments, but I still had drugs from the hospital in my veins, so I wasn't too worried.

We eventually made our way home and I ate my biscuits (after, of course, knocking over my water all over graduate school papers and almost sitting on a cat). I watched the sun rise, which was lovely. I took a pill almost forty minutes ago and I have to tell you...I feel funky! I don't think I will be driving anywhere any time soon. Jeremy is asleep on the couch, but I can't seem to sleep (the pain medication is supposed to make me drowsy, too). So much for my plans to hit the gym this morning.

In a couple of hours, I will probably call my parents and let them know what happened. There's no sense in waking them for this.

I am really glad I decided not to go out last night (beyond a walk with Jeremy). I ended up going to bed early - which was good.

Too many thoughts

I've been really stressed lately, and my mind has been racing.

I finished my papers tonight, and I am looking forward to turning them in and not worrying anymore about this semester. I am considering attending the graduate research symposium tomorrow night, but I really just want to go somewhere and play my ukulele. Perhaps once I get bored I could do just that. I will find a quiet spot on campus and just strum the hours away. I hope the weather is nice.

tests, lunch, naps, chores, and the kindness of strangers

I woke early to take a teacher certification test today (the ONLY test I have ever failed in the past). I did learn that the test editors FINALLY fixed the grammar portion, which is a blessing because for the last ten years the old German was being assessed. All of the changes went into effect in 2002, but no one had really checked the test. I am hoping to have my scores in a timely fashion. I have a major in German, so I am allowed to teach it, but it looks a lot better for highly qualified status if I've passed the test. Plus, with the new requirements with the class of 2016, I will have had to eventually pass the test anyway.

When I arrived at the testing site, I realized that I had lost my pencils. I am not usually an absent-minded person, but this time, I just don't know what happened. I asked a stranger if she had an extra and she did. I hope something nice happened for her today.

After the test, I took a short nap. Jeremy and I then met his family in Royal Oak for lunch. I really like that place. It makes me think of Traverse City, with the bustling downtown area. When we returned home, I took another nap while Jeremy got ready for work. When I woke again, I began my list of chores (mostly laundry). I will tackle the bathroom and the kitchen soon (after a short ukulele break).

Wow. It's Saturday night. I don't have papers to grade. And this is how I CHOOSE to spend my time. At least my clothes will be clean.

energy

I finished grading papers a little while ago. I have yet to enter the grades online; I just want to draw this out for some reason. I still need to put together my lesson plans. I have no desire to do anything, really.

My mind is racing. I feel almost 100% now.