Friendships and Birthdays

I tend to put deeper posts here, although lately, I've been quite the blogger on MySpace. I turned 28 on Wednesday. Jeremy gave me running shoes and a DVD, and then he took me out to dinner. All-in-all, it was a nice birthday. It wasn't the best, but it definitely wasn't the worst. Since my 22nd, they had been getting progressively worse until last year. Mike and I walked around Ann Arbor in the rain, which is absolutely wonderful! This year, I was ill, but it was still a good day. Jeremy made sure that there were special treats in the fridge (chocolate with hazelnuts...mmm...and frosted cookies) and he took me where I wanted to go for dinner.

My immune system hasn't been up to par in the past month, and my birthday turned out to be the turning point in a cold that has been bothering me. With the mold content in the building where I teach, it's amazing that my body hasn't completely fallen to pieces. I was nearly over the cold, and then WHAM! - I lost my voice. I was fatigued and had started coughing those hearty, painful coughs that we all dread.

I continued to work, which forced my students to take on more responsibility. They were fine with that (I teach mostly honor students this year).

At home, I haven't been able to focus on grading or planning or homework. Chances are that I have been asleep whenever that time would have been available. Take today, for example. I worked, visited the Tailgate party right after work for Homecoming, then drove home and crashed until about midnight. I vaguely remember saying (wheezing, coughing, and whispering) bye to Jeremy before he left for work. I am unable to speak, although my coughing has subsided, for the most part. I expect to recover in the next two or three days. I woke up tonight thinking it was tomorrow and was quite surprised to see that it was dark outside. I felt cold, which is good, since the heat is not on, and I've been running a fever for a couple of days.

Mike sent me a message on my birthday. I was surprised to receive it, as we haven't spoken since August. I cried when I read it, but that was just a reaction to missing our friendship. He had been such a close friend for so long that I think I relied on him too much for support in all the woes of my life. He sent the message late at night, probably hoping that I'd find it the next day. He didn't directly say that he misses our friendship, but he told a short story that clearly implied it. That's just how we have always been - we tell stories that reveal so much more than we ever admit to thinking or feeling. Such is the nature of writers / musicians / English teachers. I know if the situation were reversed, I would have done the same thing. That is why we are such close friends. We are wired very much the same way, and I think he just knew that if he didn't contact me on my birthday, I would have written him off entirely. There are only a few times in a year when one can let go of whatever the issues are to simply wish someone else well.

I've been much more open with my emotions, so I thanked him for wishing me well. I also told him that I started to cry - not because he said anything upsetting or too sentimental but because I miss talking to him. I think Jeremy was a little upset that I had started to tear up. He doesn't have friendships as close as this - the closest he had was Ryan. And Ryan died last year, which is another reason I think Jeremy prefers "surface" friendships. He was not able to attend the funeral. He still has not gone to see Ryan's parents. Seeing them would make the loss real.


I've been spending more time with old friends. Joe and I have been hanging out more. It's great that we still have that connection we used to have. He opened up about some of his issues lately, which really speaks to how far we've come after all these years. I hate that things are not going the way he wants them to. I hate that there is nothing that can be done.

MK sent me a message to let me know he is out of prison again. While it is good that he is trying to start his life again, I really don't think that I want him around me. I understand he has "paid his debt", so to speak, but I don't want a moment of weakness in his life to turn into a lawsuit or anything for me. He has a huge laundry list of crimes that could easily be added to if his life doesn't go the way he wants.

Tim wants to chat with me about what's going on in his life, but I don't know that I am the best person to give advice. He flaked out the past couple of times, so I don't really want to make myself available now. I have a life, too, and I can't just sit around and deal with his problems. I have my own, despite my cheery disposition these last couple of months.

Out of My Way

I am wondering a lot about marriage. I listen to my friends, colleagues, and my family. I haven't heard many positives lately. That doesn't give me a lot of hope.

On the other side of the coin, Jeremy and I are doing very well. We discuss issues calmly and maturely, and we are going out and having fun with each other. That has been spotty over the past several years. And I think that it is mostly my fault. I won't say that he has been a saint and I've been a devil, but I've been relying on friends too much to help solve my relationship problems when I should have been speaking directly to Jeremy. There may have been a few people who "got in the way" from time to time, even though they had said that they didn't want to get in the way. I think now that those are famous last words.

I slept really well last night, and I was able to sleep late today. I rarely get enough sleep, and having a few alcoholic beverages last night calmed me. I wasn't drunk, but I was able to relax. I had many vivid dreams. I woke up a couple of times, including when Jeremy came home and when I had to turn off the alarm I forgot to reset last night.

I woke this morning thinking of poetry and songs. It was a great way to wake up.

Gray Michigan Days

I love gray Michigan days. I'm not sure what about them inspires me, but something is in the air. They remind me of times in which I stared at the world outside my bedroom window (in the old house), and that makes me think about the wonder I felt about the world.

I slept in later than I had expected, which is disappointing. I had planned to scrub my bathroom at seven or so, then go to rehearsal, then return home and work on my grad homework before the orchestra concert tonight (that I'd rather not be a part of today). I want to meet some friends tonight after the concert. I'm not sure where to go. I always want to go to Ann Arbor, but that seems a little far when most of the people I'd like to meet live east of where I live. Perhaps I should suggest Novi or something. Bar Louie is nice, but there isn't dancing.

I enjoyed my beer last night. I very rarely drink beer at home. It seems to be a beverage that I only truly enjoy when out with friends. It was glorious, though. Although some will disagree, I know that Weihenstephaner Hefe Weissbier is the absolute pinnacle of (wheat) beers. The Weihenstephan brewery has been brewing beer since 1040, and they consistently win awards. Next time I go to Bavaria, I will have to visit Freising so that I can tour the brewery and, perhaps, attend a beer tasting event.

Recovery

I feel like I am recovering from more than just a nasal infection. I attend my grad class tonight. I am really psyched about the semester. I also spoke to the director of the program - I just may be allowed to take some of the other courses during different terms just to finish in a timely fashion! I am so thrilled. I am already halfway done with the program. I had forgotten how much I enjoy being a part of a class. I even joined the list to bring in snacks on a certain night. I tend to shy away from stuff like this, but it felt so good to belong and I've already decided that I will get the big pack of Panera Bread bagels. I might also bring drink boxes. I am a nerd, yes. I just want to get into this. The community is already building. I've needed this!

Still no date set yet. Today, another teacher joked with me (at least I hope it was a joke) that I should just go preggo and get this thing done with. Yeah...um...that's just not going to happen. I need to just pick a date and tell Jeremy to be there.

August 29

I spent most of my day lazing about. I should have gone up to work to deliver my fridge to my classroom, but I just didn't feel like waking up when my alarm clock sounded. Plus, Mike A. crashed on the couch, and I didn't want him to feel rushed in leaving this morning.

Jeremy and I went to see Tropic Thunder tonight. I enjoyed it very much. Robert Downey, Jr., is absolutely phenomenal. Tom Cruise also did a great job. I wish more comedies put that much emphasis on good acting.

I was able to put in my contacts today before we left for the movie theater. I know it will take some time before I am totally proficient with the whole process, but an hour was way too long to be trying to force the damned things into my eyes. The left one goes in a bit easier, while the right one always gives me trouble. When my right eye is opened wide (complete with me holding the lid far up), the size of the lens is still slightly too big to just pop the thing in. This will continue to give me trouble for as long as I choose to wear contacts. For now, I have to put half it on, then pull my eyelid away from my eye and move my finger across my eye. It is a miserable ordeal, but that's just how it will have to happen for now.

The really disturbing thing for me is that I actually feel them on my eyes. People have told me that once they are in, I won't feel them. Maybe that comes with time. I don't know. I just feel this odd, heavy sensation on the eyeballs themselves while I feel my eyelids graze over something that shouldn't be there. It almost feels like eyelashes or fuzz caught in my eyes, but I don't feel a pressing need to rub them. However, they do itch a little. My eyes do not like the solution that I am supposed to use on the lenses either.

Tuesday marks the beginning of a brand new school year, and I am really excited about this year. I have two sections of German 1, two sections of Honors English 9, one section of regular English 9, and Seminar. I have so much to print for Tuesday, and our school building is closed for the entire weekend. Damn. I guess I will just have to show up at 6 AM on Tuesday so that everything will be ready when my students arrive.

It Must Be That Time of Year Again

So, as my summer vacation comes to a close, I am met with familiar practices in my complex. New families moving in, kids playing an evening game of basketball out back, and a brand new group of teenagers throwing dice and gambling. This time, they were stupid enough to throw the dice in front of the complex manager's townhouse. I know kids will push the limits on things, but what the hell? Do I really need to see some worthless people's kids breaking the law near my home? My complex has been little help with this sort of behavior. I pay to live here; I shouldn't have to put up with crime. The drug problems were pretty much cleared up by the beginning of summer. This will just bring that shit back. Again.

They ran off this time, but every time they don't get in trouble makes them feel that they are allowed to continue the behavior.

I should make this next point clear. I don't blame them entirely. I think that their parents must be pieces of shit, too. Where else would they learn that it's okay to throw dice in the streets? Part of me wants it to get a little out of hand...at least to the point where one of them kills someone in their own group over some minuscule amount of money. Maybe then they and their parents will give a damn about the law.

Being the change

(While I recognize that someone may see the word "change" and assume this has something to do with B. Obama, it doesn't. Sorry.)


Be the change that you wish to see in the world.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi


Solid words to live by. I'm not sure if it is the shift back to the working world that is making my entire perspective change, but I am happy that it is happening. This summer, although wonderful in its ample opportunity for adventure and new experiences, needs to come to a close. I spent a lot of time thinking over the past few months. I don't like some aspects of my personality, so I choose to change them. They won't change overnight, as no permanent change truly works that quickly, but I am well on my way to living a much more positive life. I will have setbacks, but that is normal, and I am ready for them.

If I want others to be proactive, I need to be the first to do that. Some of the more noteworthy topics lately have been: seriously looking at possible wedding dates and plans (we both want something small - yay!), home organization and decor, fitness routine (I can't say I love it just yet, but I am hating it less and less), making time for friends (I tend to feel uncomfortable in public places, so I am working on this), treating myself to "girly" things that make me feel pretty, and getting ready for the school year.

The Art of Sharing

Sharing thoughts with someone else can be liberating. It can help one gain control over a situation. I like to be the person who can help, and sometimes I need the help. Thank you to all who have listened to me lately.

The issue I was facing earlier this week is now fading away. Who knew that leaving something alone would be the best way of coping. I would rather smother issues until they are gone, but I dealt with this one differently. I think that is making all the difference.

MV and HF performance

I drove to Fenton to hear Mike and Hannah sing tonight. I asked Jessy if he'd join me. He didn't want to commit to anything because he was helping a friend with something in the early evening. I really didn't expect him to show, but suddenly, there he was. I was so happy to see him. I hadn't realized how much I had missed him over my summer vacation. We both did some traveling this summer, so it's understandable why we didn't hang out. I still missed him, though. His classroom is right next to mine, and we've become close friends over the last couple of years.

I had actually found myself in great conversations with Mike's colleagues and friends, and I felt guilty for asking one of my friends to show up. I was afraid that I would have no one to talk to. I didn't want to be the creepy one at the bar either staring at Hannah and Mike or drinking so much that I wasn't looking at anything in particular. All worked out well, though, and Jessy seemed genuinely happy to be a part of the evening. I was happy, too.

Mike and Hannah did a wonderful job, as usual, and I was thrilled for them. I am especially proud of Mike for kicking his music schedule into high gear this summer. While we haven't had much time to visit, he is pursuing the music career he wants and that is good. I hope he transitions back into teaching mode easily.

Hooked!

I'm hooked on these quizzes now. Thanks, Joe!

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Your result for The What type of MAN turns you on Test...

Buff sweetie

You scored 40% masculine, 53% athletic, 27% exotic, and 56% refined!

You like a buff guy with a clean and polished look. However, you do prefer a more innocent look to him and not the testosterone pumped manly man kind. Someone you might like is.......Brad Pitt. (At least in this picture - his style changes so much it's hard to generalize about Brad) But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

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The Optimist

After seeing the quiz results on Joe's page, I decided to spend a few minutes taking the same quiz. I told you I am optimist, despite my whining.

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

HBPS - The Optimist

Humanity, Background, Big Picture, and Shape

You perceive the world with particular attention to humanity. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the shapes around you. Because of the value you place on humanity, you tend to seek out other people and get energized by being around others. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You prefer a structured environment within which to live and you like things to be predictable.

The Perception Personality Types:

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night

I love late nights. I do. Everything slows down and becomes more clear. If only this was conducive to teaching all day.

welcome back

I helped with the freshman orientation event at my school today. So many of my former students (and a few others) were happy to see me. They couldn't wait to tell me about what they had done this summer. It was a great moment. I didn't realize how much I missed them. Apparently, my heart is not made of stone like I thought.

I feel a strange sense of peace lately. I don't know exactly where it comes from, but I like it. It must be from starting to open up more. I am trying not to worry about the possible events of my future. Instead, I am focusing on trying to understand the present. I feel much more alive than usual.

Oh, and I am the reason that I have no wedding planned. Me.

Well, I am off to the gym with Jeremy. Later, 'gator!

early Sunday

I woke around 5:30 today. I tried to get back to sleep simply because I had ventured off to bed only four hours prior, but my body told me it was time to get up. I made a healthy little breakfast and I am sipping tea. In a few minutes, I will be leaving for the gym. I haven't been very consistent with an exercise routine this summer, to say the least. I have been building muscle, though, which is a step in the right direction.

Last night I was upset, and it really did me good to just cry a little and move on without bothering my friends. Mike's mother had said something that was the equivalent of ripping off a scab. On one hand, I see her point, but on the other...why do so many people ask questions about my relationship and then offer unsolicited "advice"? I don't mind commentary if I invite it, but when I make it clear that this is my life and I am responsible for the details of it, I am easily angered by negative comments about Jeremy. I may choose to not show this anger at that moment, but it's there. I will most likely try to play it off and crack a joke just to lighten the mood. This is a defense mechanism and a subtle hint to stop. Number one, if you have never met the person, do your arguments really have a leg to stand on? Number two, how does my living with Jeremy and not being married yet affect you? Am I cheating the system? No. Am I using and/or manipulating Jeremy? No. Is he using and/or manipulating me? No. So, therein lies the problem with unsolicited advice. Once again, many of you who read this offer me advice...I am not talking to you at all here. I ASK for your thoughts, and I am happy that you share them with me. I respect your unique perspectives on the situations that arise in my life. Sometimes I follow your advice...sometimes I choose to not follow it. And, finally, number three...Never make me feel unwelcome at something I am invited to by another person. If you have what I'll call a "sharp" tongue, perhaps the problem is you. It is not your place to dismiss me from an event, especially when I am in a conversation with the person who invited me. I am, in no way, a threat, nor have I ever been a threat. I may not say anything to you or the person who invited me right then, but it does not erase or validate your bad behavior.

Thank you for reading. I'm off to the gym. :-D

down and out

Isn't it strange that the small things someone says can completely destroy a good mood? I don't even have to be friends with the person for them to use some aspect of my life to push me into this depressed state. The self-loathing is next.

No, I don't want to talk about it. Please don't ask me if I'm okay because I am not. Don't try to cheer me up right now. I appreciate that those of you who read this will want to help me, and I adore you for that...just not tonight, okay?

"A nice little Saturday..."

After falling asleep around 5 AM, Jeremy let me sleep in until noon. Our next-door neighbors spent five hours last night screaming and throwing things around. I am not sure if it escalated to physical assault, but it doesn't matter to me. They prevented me from getting some much-needed rest. I hate to sound like I don't care about their well-being, but honestly, if you are that violent and loud, perhaps you shouldn't be living in a place that shares walls with others, particularly those who consider themselves to be quiet, professional people who don't cause disturbances.

Jeremy treated me to lunch at Chipotle. I dragged him shopping. I wanted to buy a few shirts, and that's what I did. I maintained composure at the check-out counter when the family ahead of us spent way too long arguing whether or not one of their children needed the socks she had selected (they thought the socks were on sale for $9, but they were actually $12). I was ready to scream, but I remained quiet. I silently wished they'd burst into flames.

Jeremy has to work tonight, and I plan to go to Mike's gig. It's close and convenient. I don't think Mike will want to hang out afterward, even though we haven't been able to really visit in months. I need his advice, and he just isn't there for me this summer. I can't blame him; he is simply creating the life he wants to live. Unfortunately, I don't know who else I can talk to about this. I think that is because he and I are wired the same, and he understands me better than most. He could make sense of all of it since I lack the ability to view my own life objectively.

No Working Title

I have been posting both here and on MySpace lately, and I can never keep straight where each of the posts go. While this doesn't seem like a big issue, I find that my life seems to be broken into categories and I don't know where everything is.

I have been getting out a bit more lately. Mostly, I've gone to Mike's gigs, on short vacations, or to my own music events. I haven't been getting through the regular day-do-day stuff easily. I am confused and overwhelmed by all of the deadlines I had set for myself. I am lazy about cleaning (although, Jeremy is much more lazy in that area, so I don't always feel so bad). My emotions are everywhere lately, and I feel more insecure than I have ever felt before. I don't really know what I offer the world, and this lack of knowledge makes me feel depressed. The issues I've been avoiding and hiding are constantly on my mind. I tell people I want to talk, and then I just can't bring myself to unravel my world - not that what is in my mind necessarily would do that, but I fear what changes could occur. Would people see me differently? Would people think less of me? Would people get the wrong idea? So on, and so forth.

Usually, I seek counsel with my closest friends. This summer, though, they have all found other things to do. I have never felt so lost. I didn't realize how much I was leaning on them, and I am upset with myself for needing them the way I have. My independence doesn't seem so independent, and my selfishness about needing their ears and minds to solve my problems sickens me. Mike V. is busy with music, which is wonderful for him. He is living the life he should. Reenee is working a regular job with evenings devoted to her boyfriend. Melissa and I have hung out a little - Jeremy tags along, so we don't get a lot of girl talk time. She will be leaving for Jamaica soon, and I feel that we haven't had a lot of time to step back and let our hair down. Beck is working a lot and going to school. Her fiance takes up her evenings, and I can't blame them for wanting to spend time together. She is very aware of one of the things on my mind...probably because she was there years ago when this was an issue before. Mike A. is here every other week. Because he is both my friend and Jeremy's friend, the visits are inconsistent. He comes over for dinner often (I absolutely LOVE entertaining guests and going all out making a gourmet meal, complete with decadent desserts!), and then we try to decide what to do. Half the time he drinks beer with Jeremy; the other half he goes with me to see Mike V. (Mike V., Mike A., and I all joined the same organization in college and have been good friends since). I did recently hang out with Joe, which was different. We talked like we used to, and it felt good to know that there is a part of me that can still connect.

Jeremy is getting back into school, so his attention is elsewhere most of the time. This is good and bad for me. It's my summer vacation, and I just want to spend my time with him. I'm too busy throughout the school year, with teaching and attending grad school (and participating in school events, band, committees, and soon a ukulele group), and I have very high expectations. I don't want to just sit in a room with someone. I want to be the main focus. I know that after 8 years of being together, we might not do that normally, but I want to be like that. Don't get me wrong...he's a wonderful guy. He just has so many different things going on that it's difficult to get a solid routine. And that is half my fault. I am useless if not on a strict schedule with a to-do list in tow. Perhaps I need to communicate these things better to Jeremy so that we get to do more. I suppose the worst part is that I keep finding more and more writing from some really difficult times in my life, and instead of shredding it or burning it or just filing it away, I keep reading every piece to figure out who I was before and during that time and how it relates to who I am now.


I am not sleeping well lately. The night brings no need to rest. Instead, I force myself to venture upstairs around 2 or 3 and then I stare at the ceiling and talk to one of my cats. I have disjointed sleep with short nightmares (that have steadily become worse over the past month). Eventually, I do get more sleep, but I lose much of my morning and feel irritable and tired when I finally get out of bed.


And for some of the positives lately...I've worked out a bit more than I was doing. I plan to go again tomorrow morning, and I will be checking the yoga class times for this month. I need to get that going if I am going to get this body back in shape! I've been doing more "girly" things. I have curled my hair and put on make-up and dressed up lately "just because". I painted my toenails yesterday, even though nobody was going to see them. Knowing that I took pride in that made me feel better. It's odd how something so superficial meant so much to me. I took pictures of myself making faces at my own camera...they were all blurry, but it felt good to act like me again. I cracked inappropriate jokes with some friends. I had a few conversations in German, albeit in a chat forum, with a few of my German-speaking friends (and I found a local group that I will be joining with Jeremy to keep up our skills). I helped Jeremy decide that when he goes back for his second bachelor's degree, he should major in German - he plans to major in history, as well. We received a rowing machine from Jeremy's grandmother. We discussed returning to Germany with Jeremy's parents. They are a little apprehensive about the whole international travel thing, and I think it would so much fun to take them there and get them hooked on international travel. I am considering moving to Germany after I get my PhD. I have plenty of time, but this is something I think could actually happen. Jeremy is now on the same page. I turned down an interview in Macomb County because the timing is wrong right now. If I were to get that job, the things I enjoy most about being in this area would not be possible. I don't even want that job that much, so it was easy to let it go. My roses out front are thriving. My avocado tree is not, but I am nursing it back to health. I've been invited to a Tupperware party, so apparently, I am now an adult.

A step in the right direction

After Jeremy and I reconnected after his weekend away and my weekend hanging out with friends, we decided to really look at where we are headed. I've decided to cancel my interview in Richmond. Richmond is not where I want to be right now - in the future...yes, that could be a great option, but it isn't feasible at this point in my life.

I like being close to my family. My friends are nearby, and those who are a little drive away are still close enough for me to meet them in a mutually-enjoyable area, i.e. Ann Arbor. I don't want to give up that part of my life as it took a while to establish myself here again. I like that I've reconnected with people who were left out of some of my past.

I have about two more years of grad school, that is, before I decide to pursue a second master's degree. I haven't decided if it should be in Reading or German. Both would be so useful. I also would like to pursue a PhD in English and Education (a terrific U of M program that would open doors for me to teach in undergraduate and graduate English and Education classes).

The school where I teach has its issues, but every place has issues. At least I am aware them. I need to spend more than two years in that setting. I have two more years until I reach tenure, at which time my mentor teacher (the full-time German teacher) will probably retire. This will leave me as the main German teacher. I would love this, to be honest. She wanted the administration to hire me because she felt that I was a younger version of her, which is true on many levels. I don't know that I would want to spend my entire career there, but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, would it? Being in charge of the entire German program would be wonderful experience.

I am getting involved in more activities and committees.

I am part of a community band that has brought me back into the music performance fold where I belong.

Now, I need to work on convincing Jeremy to buy a house in Ann Arbor or Dexter - or I should just do this on my own and see where the chips fall.

A Question for You

Does anyone else out there have things they need to say but the words just never reach the surface?

Aug. 1st

Friday, August 1st - off the list
Wednesday, December 31st - off the list

Maybe Wednesday, October 1st? Easy one to remember...
Or Friday, October 31st?
How about Saturday, February 14th?
Or Sunday, March 1st?