New Beginnings

Stipulation #11

If you ask me out to dinner and I offer to pay, it is your job to assure me that you want to pay, even if it is an antiquated gesture. Whoever is doing the asking should be doing the paying.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #10

You need to stimulate me both mentally and physically. Spiritually would be nice, too.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #9

I need a man who finds my inquisitive nature and high need for mental stimulation fascinating and charming -- not "annoying."

New Beginnings

Stipulation #8

Do not criticize my frugal nature. I have survived almost 30 years with money in the bank. I could live quite easily on a low income. That is a good thing.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #7

While I do not necessarily enjoy getting flowers (ooh...dead flower vaginas), it might be nice to get me flowers once-in-a-great-while, just for the novelty of it all. You don't have to buy them. In fact, I like hand-picked flowers from a garden (not a stranger's and WITH permission) much more.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #6

If I ask you to tell me five things you have learned about me, you had better be able to tell me something.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #5

Be patient with me. I am not comfortable with leaps of faith.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #4

I will be your partner - not your parent. Do not expect me to take care of your responsibilities.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #3

You must accompany me to events I enjoy (not every single one) to show that you support and enjoy who I am as an individual. Conversely, I will attend events you enjoy because I want to share moments you enjoy, too.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #2

You need to have your life in order, even if you are still working toward a degree or some sort of license for a sustainable career and income.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #1

If you haven't decided within a year that what we have is headed toward marriage, there is no reason to stay together. I'm not going to waste any more time on anyone who doesn't have the conviction to follow through.

Recurring Dream

I am no stranger to recurring dreams, even though the loss of teeth dream hasn't been a regular for some years. The latest dream is that I forget where I've parked my car in downtown Ann Arbor (although it's quite hilly on some streets). It's winter, and snow is piled high everywhere. It's dark, and I am desperately trying to find my car because I have to go to work.

Sometimes, I experience slight variations...traveling with a small group of musicians, running from someone who has stolen my shoes, moving in slow motion while everyone else functions at regular speed...

I have no sense of direction in these dreams, and I know how that relates to my life. I don't know what it means that my car is simply gone from all of the places.

Friend

Please don't ignore me. You've always had a princess mentality, despite definitely not being a princess. Perhaps you never got to be one in a father's or a lover's eye. That has nothing to do with me, and it has never really gotten in the way.

We used to be good friends. Then you thought you were too good for all of us.

I just want my friend back. I want to be able to confide in someone who understands the different dimensions of it all. You were always that person.

I've always had your back; however, I now wonder if you've ever had mine.

I really need my friend.


I'm probably the one who ruined it all. I held back the things that would help you to fully understand my predicament. It's not a class thing. I respect anyone who stands where they are and strives for something. I can't tell you. I can't share because it's not mine to share. It affects me, though. It affects my future. It affects the parts of my life that I have yet to experience...that I want to experience.

You

Hey!

You know what?

I don't want to. YOU are in the wrong. YOU!

F' off.

Arguments, Disappoint, Declined Invitations...

I think I feel down lately because I am sick. I just got over something, it is seems that another cold was just waiting for its moment.

I invited someone out for an evening, but he declined. I was sad about this, but I will get over it.

I was invited out to dinner by someone who has not asked to see me in a long time. I wasn't feeling well at that point, so I declined.


I don't think anyone understands how I work, and I feel disappointed.


On top of this strange turn of events today, I got into an argument with a friend. He expressed that I make(or will make) too much in my profession. I think people fail to understand that teachers are paid a 10-month salary. Most of us request that our paychecks be spaced out over the summer so that we can balance our monthly budgets. It's a 10-month (9 full month) salary, folks. It's not an annual salary - that's why we are not paid what others are paid for having to acquire the same amount of training and degrees. Get a clue, people!

Still

I'm not accustomed to the "bad" days anymore. I set my expectations too high for the circumstances of my life today, and I felt really depressed this evening when things didn't pan out the way I had envisioned.

I am so tired of standing still.

almost there

I used to be in control of almost every aspect of my life. I felt it necessary to have this control, even though it was destroying me. Since my life, pretty much, fell apart over a year ago, I've been focusing on only controlling the parts of my life that are my responsibility.

The deep level of unhappiness I experienced was not healthy, but I enjoyed the control. I had people wrapped around my finger.


I now feel much happier on a daily basis. I miss some of the aspects of the life I used to lead, and I've tried to regain them. I've failed. I no longer have anyone wrapped around any finger, and I feel irritated by this when I should be pleased that I no longer feel as though I am manipulating anyone. Every experience is supposed to be based on a partnership - with nature, with other people, etc.

I remember having a healthy outlook on the world a long time ago. I remember feeling that tug-of-war in a healthy way. I changed, fundamentally. I became scared of adventure, power struggles, and new experiences. I let these things take over the positive life experiences I had.

That is part of my decision to plan a road trip for the summer. I want to be alone. I want to push myself back out into the world that I want to trust and experience in a way I wasn't ready to do ten years ago - in a way I still wasn't ready to do one year ago.

I'm stronger now.

Better

Life seems to be getting better on many fronts, but I am still left without a solid direction. I want to somehow transport myself five years into the future. I want to be married. I want to have children. I want to be far into my Ph.D. program. I just don't know how to make it all happen.

...

How is it possible for someone to say or not say something and completely destroy me?

Vegemite, anyone?

I am working on detaching from almost everything in my life. This sensation isn't unfamiliar, but it isn't common, either. I am supposed to finish my MA this next week. The truth is that I will probably be asking my graduate adviser for an extension for the final pieces. I will be ready to present what I have completed during my time on Tuesday. I will not, however, be ready to go through the official sign-off.

My stress level makes it impossible to sleep on a normal schedule, and my lack of a solidly structured life makes it impossible for me to be completely productive in my endeavors.

My vitamin deficiency is causing a few problems, even though I have been taking extra vitamins as the season has been changing. I think this will be a battle for the rest of my life. Life would probably be much easier if I would just start eating meat again. I didn't eat much of it when I did eat me, though, so I still see myself having the same problem.

I am actually a bundle of emotions lately, but I am stuffing them away so that I can get things done. I know that bottling things up will not help me in the long run (all the different doctors I spoke with over the past year tell me so), but I just don't feel like telling anyone anything about why I am so overwhelmed. I'm more interested in finding out what is going on with my friends. I am more interested in letting my life and my problems be private. If other people really cared, they would ask me, right?

The people who are my "closest friends" don't really have time for me because of what they have created for their own lives.