March/April To-Do List

Revise Human Subjects Application, send back to Ellen for approval

Complete graduate research on research subjects

Write final graduate thesis

Create written document for audience

Write final graduate presentation (April 20th will be here before I know it!)

Petition the dean of the graduate school for one special topics class to be allowed in program

Lesson plans

Common exams

Grade student work

Decide on where I will have my bridesmaid dress pressed as I have two options I am considering (I'm hoping they simply steam it, because if they press it with anything iron-like, they risk discoloring it.)

Help plan a bachelorette party for April

Graduation on April 25

Create themed basket for bridal shower

Bridal shower on April 24

Make-up demonstration observation on April 17

Attend class every week

Prepare for concert in May

Publicity for concert

Let my ukulele group know that I will be skipping the next couple of meetings to get everything done.

Register for the foreign language methods class

Apply for loan forgiveness for public educators

Apply for professional certificate

Apply for new jobs

Submit master's paperwork to school district

Celebrate Mom's birthday 4/23

Bachelorette party 4/23

Go to the foot doctor to treat what seems to be a heel spur

Touch up hair color before wedding to make sure color is even.

Ride bike daily

HS staff meetings scheduled (4 total)

Dept. meetings scheduled (4 total)

End of marking period 3 = March 26

Spring Break = first week of April.

Find out hair style for wedding and have mom practice it several times.

Find out jewelry choices for wedding (earrings, necklace, bracelet, ring options)

Buy a new strapless bra

grad school

So, I received my graduation audit back. Apparently, my graduate adviser never submitted some paperwork that would put me in place to graduate in April. I now have to get on her case and get her to get things in this coming week.

I am DONE with the program. There are no other classes I can take, but she didn't put in "waiver" forms for some of the classes she herself had substituted for four of us.

Grrr!

Cats

My cat Natalie seems to understand the nature of questions in that they demand a response. She often does not respond to statements. She does follow commands (usually) without commentary. When I ask questions, though, she is incredibly chatty. This is not a new observation, but it seems worthy of a revisit today because she is talking a lot. I still have no real idea what she is replying, but she controls the sound and volume of her murmurs and meows to convey some sort of message.

She greets me at the door when I get home and makes a meow-chirp noise that I can only assume means "Hello" as it is two syllables. I wonder how much is mimicry and how much is true understanding of sound communication. I adopted her from the Humane Society on the earliest day they would allow me to, so it's safe to say that she didn't have a lot of influence from other cats as she matured.

Alison, on the other hand, is an extremely quiet animal when it comes to meowing. I didn't get her until she was, perhaps, 7 months old. She had been returned to the Humane Society from another family. She is still accustomed to being held like a baby and being "dolled" up, which tells me that there was probably a young girl with whom she lived prior to being added to my family. When she sees little girls with long, blond hair on TV, she has run up to them and started purring. I find this quirk a little odd for any animal.

There were some behavioral problems for the first year or so, and I am certain that she was abused. She even used to cower and run if she did happen to make a meowing noise. It was not in play, either. Her irrational fear of normal household items has taken many years to train away. Peeing herself when she'd see a broom or rolled up magazine or newspaper was almost enough to make me take her back to the HS, but I made a commitment to the animal, and I did not break it. She no longer fears me or these objects, although she hasn't warmed up to the broom, even though it is no longer a threat.

The noises she makes are based on what she can manipulate with her paws. She loves plastic bags and seems to enjoy crinkling them early in the morning they way young children do to irritate parents or siblings. I have found stores of bags tucked away in places I can barely reach, so there is some prankster-like attitude in her character.

Why did I write all this? I don't know. Perhaps Natalie's responses to my questions earlier today got me thinking or perhaps I am trying to avoid writing lesson plans.

February 2010

I am feeling somewhat in control of different aspects of my life.


Final grad project is well under way!

Emotions are not running too high lately, but when they do, I am not running to others.

I have plans for this weekend.

I absolutely LOVE my new glasses. I'm still adjusting to the new prescription, but the geeky frames suit me.

Band is going well. I am the publicist. I volunteered for the job!

I am mastering more knitting patterns.

I am starting to cook more. I love making homemade vegetable soup (the Crock pot does most of the work, though).

I am getting more sleep than usual, which is really great.

I am now actively involved in getting my life moving forward. There is still a lot to do, but I am definitely tackling each new obstacle.

I am distancing myself from a few people who make me feel anxious, nervous, or just plain angry. I have a choice in the matter (most of the time).

Do svidaniya

I received an odd email today through meetup. This site is not a place for singles to meet; it is simply a collection of groups for people to join. I found my current ukulele group as well as a variety of knitting and drumming groups I have yet to join. The email was from some 30-year-old man in my city who, apparently, wants to meet me. This message took me by complete surprise. It was somewhat of a pick-me-up, but it also brought on a sudden feeling of paranoia. I have no idea who this person is, but he found me through the ukulele group. He had suggested to his mother (who is a hand-drummer) to send me an invitation to a local drumming circle event so that we might have the opportunity to meet. When the drum circle was canceled at the last minute, he decided to email me directly.

Now, I am all for people going after what they want. In fact, I encourage people to stand up and take those risks because, let's face it, life doesn't present all the opportunities we'd like. Sometimes we have to jump start our lives a little. What makes me feel uncomfortable is that this person knows where I plan to be later on in February. If this individual is unbalanced in any way, that puts my safety at risk.

I have no intention of contacting this person, but I did some digging into his background just to find out if he is real. He appears to be what he claimed in the message. He is, in fact, in the IT field. He has his own business. I found him on MySpace. The page appeared legitimate, and I looked at pictures. I do not intend to contact this man, and it is good to now have a picture in mind should I pass him on sidewalk as I walk around Ann Arbor.

I have a strange history of attracting odd characters, and I think that this is just a new one to add to the list. If Beck were to read this, she'd probably label him "Weirdo # something" as she used to do in college. I have a truly wary nature about men. I've never dated anyone who was not first a friend, and I have no intention of breaking from tradition. In all actuality, I don't know where I stand in the whole dating thing, and I am enjoying not being set in any solid direction. I do things because I want to do them - without obligation.

I have decided to be passive about the whole thing. I will not send a message back, even though I've always been taught that it is rude to not return correspondence. In this case, I am not acquainted with the person and I did not solicit any contact. Therefore, it is justifiable to not contact this man. If we were friends or acquaintances, then some sort of polite refusal or acceptance of a date would be in order.

In his closing, he said "Do svidaniya." There were some instances of language differences that suggested he is from another country, but he seems to have a very solid grasp of American English, which suggests that he moved here while he was still quite young. His parting words struck me, though, because most people believe that do svidaniya means good-bye forever. It really means the same as the German "Auf Wiedersehen!" or until we meet again. Do the Russians have a word or phrase for good-bye that doesn't suggest a later meeting?

Hello, Universe. I see you again.

Tonight marked the first marching band reunion. A handful of people showed up, and it was wonderful to sit and talk with people I haven't seen in years.

I was truly thrilled when I saw a familiar non-band face. Jeff P. and I have been out of contact since our graduation (he and I were paired for the stage part of commencement). We sat and talked, and I cannot tell how thrilling it was to talk to him. He was planning to meet a couple of his friends (one showed up for a few minutes - it was Rob C.!). I talked with both of them for a couple of minutes. I really felt as though the universe was putting me where I belong. I notice this phenomenon every so often when coincidences fall into place.

Later conversation with some of the guests of our own party made me feel connected to something greater. Todd S. and I spoke of our shared students (he at the middle school last year and I at the high school this year).


I was right where I was supposed to be...and it was a sensation that will help me to make decisions this upcoming year.

Is There Anybody Out There?

I am spending Christmas Day alone. My family gathered last night at my place for dinner. I didn't think I would feel so depressed right now. I don't feel like I am a part of anything like I should be today.

Instead, I am sitting in near silence with my cats. I keep adding wood the fire (I do love having a fireplace), and I am hoping some friends (or, even, my parents) just stop by. I have plenty of food and wine, and it would be nice to share in some holiday cheer.

Perhaps I will just nap away the day.

I can drink and be merry tomorrow when I meet a bunch of old friends in Plymouth. Today will be my rest day.

2009 coming a close

It's time to take stock of our lives again, folks. It's time to decide what things need work, what things need to be left behind, and what we will make for our future.

For me, 2010 will include:
Earning my MA in April
Bridal showers
Two weddings (I will be a bridesmaid again.)
Lay-off from work in June (It's much easier to stomach knowing that this will happen year after year for a while.)
A new place to hang out in Farmington Hills (a good friend just got his own place there).


If I choose from my present, I could have:
A relationship with my ex, but I'd have to cut off all contact with someone else (and stop attending things that I enjoy on the off-chance that the someone else might be there). There are so many reasons why I stayed with him over the past decade. Many of those reasons are rooted in the foundation that is us.
A relationship with the someone else. I fear I would keep pushing this person in ways that he is not altogether familiar - I don't like standing still, and I see that as a potential problem.
A life being truly single with no one occupying my time.
A relationship with someone brand new, but I have major trust issues and cannot fully get into a relationship with anyone who is not, at least, a friend for a long period of time.

I haven't yet decided what it is that I will not have in 2010. That is where the work truly starts.

Day One

Day One of my holiday vacation. So far, I haven't really accomplished anything. Instead, I am wrapped up in a blanket. My cold from a couple of weeks ago is still lingering, and today it feels worse. I am coughing more than usual, and my head hurts.

I will not be attending The Underdog's show tonight. I was considering going, but not feeling well has since removed it from my to-do list. I'd rather stay home and get some much-needed rest.

Fed Up

I've been listening to someone recently who keeps saying how he wants something more than what he has. I asked if he wanted my help since I spend every day helping people get where they plan to go. He said yes. I offer information, guidance, resources, etc. He does absolutely nothing with any of these things, telling me I don't understand. He doesn't like that I have a plan to help him move beyond his excuses.

I unleashed some of my frustration at this person today over the phone when I, once again, was trying to show him how to go about doing something that he says he wants to do. When he came back with the same stupid excuses that don't actually follow logic, I pointed out that he is just lazy and not willing to work toward anything better. I told him I have no sympathy for him. He is determined to stay at the bottom of the food chain. I told him that if he truly wants something better, he is the one who has to change because the world isn't going to change for him.

He became angry with me, and I understand that he truly wants me to believe that he is incapable of doing anything more productive with his life. I offer no pity, and that probably frustrated him further.

I just truly believe that we are ultimately responsible for the situations of our life. Those who choose to not go to school and move up the economic ladder make that choice by not seeking out avenues for loans, No Worker Left Behind programs, and other work-study options. Those who stick around in the same job that offers no medical benefits packages and no training funds get no sympathy, either. Minimum wage jobs are out there that do offer these things to their employees. One just has to seek them out and be professional enough to land the job.

Beyond this, there are cost-saving methods that will allow for one to squirrel money away. Rebates for products, necessary services, and medications help. One just has to keep track of everything. Not buying frivolous things that do not serve to shelter or feed someone will help. Creating a skill or craft that is easy, i.e. knitting. People spend all kinds of money on homemade scarves at craft shows. Yes, men are not typically knitters, but it is simple and can be done while watching TV, talking on the phone, etc. Six dollars in yarn can net fifteen to twenty dollars for some sort of product. Granted that factors one's time into it, but if you are doing something else for yourself during that time, it's a win-win situation.

Selling unused items at sales, on ebay, or through Amazon works well. People are always looking for things, and it is nice to get money for the stuff you don't plan to use ever again.

Get a second job! If you have the time, then earn some extra cash for those items in the future that you know you will need.

Volunteer with an organization. While the pay is absolutely terrible, organizations will routinely train their people in some area, so you can learn a trade or something and use that for a later job.

Check the continuing education classes at local schools. I decided in 1999 or 2000 to take Jeremy on a date. We went to a forklift training class that was offered through KVCC for %5.00 each. We both enjoyed a hearty breakfast and a hearty lunch (definitely worth more than $5.00!!!) and gained a certification we could take with us to a job, if necessary. It was boring in parts, but we learned something new. I even found an error in operator usage with maximum weight loads and helped change the legal regulations (am I awesome or what!?!).

No Worker Left Behind is an incredible program and is completely free. There is no excuse to not use it if you are earning less than 40K.

Use coupons whenever possible.

Save change and actually use it to buy things you need.

Join a local freecycle or ecycle group on yahoo to find items that other people are simply discarding before they turn it into trash. The WesternWayne one is great, as well as the two A2 groups. People request things and other people offer. All one has to do is contact the people. It's wonderful. I received grapevines that I planted in my backyard. I am excited because the guy was just going to throw them in the compost heap. I was able to salvage something that may just result in fresh grapes in my own backyard.

What a frustrating day!

Irritation

Everything is irritating me today. I feel like shutting everyone out for a while.

The Universe and Cough Drops

I have a cold. It's not the worst cold I've ever suffered through, but every cold is miserable to some extent. I feel that I wasted all of my Saturday. I drank lots of fluids and slept most of the day.

I woke early this morning and bundled up to walk myself to the store for cold medicine. I prefer Advil Cold & Sinus, so I headed to the pharmacy area, silently hoping I wouldn't have to go through all of the hassle of showing an ID, signing a statement, etc., but no such luck. The woman scanning everything couldn't seem to get things moving quickly, which is quite bothersome when one is already feeling irritable and uncomfortable.

I was pleased with myself for having walked to the store. I was also pleased that, when I reached home, I brought in the glass top for my patio furniture as well as the umbrella. I have been putting that off for some time now. I think I was hoping for more unseasonably warm days. I have yet to bring in the chairs, table stand, and umbrella stand. I don't yet have a place for those items in my basement.

I took a couple of the Advil pills and sat down to read the post cards on Postsecret. I started this Sunday morning ritual years ago, always searching for my secret - NOT that I have ever sent one in, but one from someone else who simply has experienced the same things and feels the same about life right now. I still have not found anyone that matches completely. It makes me feel alone.

Perhaps I should write in. I don't know what I would say, though. I have a tendency to blurt things out, even when I know what I say will hurt others. I don't like holding back.

My major problem is that I don't know where I belong. Do I belong in some other country at this point in my life? Do I belong here? Who am I supposed to spend New Year's Eve with? How will I know if I am making the right choices for my life? I'm constantly unsure of myself. I cannot recall a time when I felt so uncertain. Do I really want to keep teaching in K-12? Do I care enough to teach? Why do I feel empty at work? Why am I holding other people's secrets? Why do I have to keep them secret in my decision-making process for everything in my life? I feel weighed down by other people's circumstances, and yes, while I do believe that we are ultimately responsible for any and all of the garbage we are in as individuals, I can't help but feel that my emotions and my logic are constantly battling over these things.

The Advil has kicked in. I know this because I am starting to cry. I wish that medication affected me in normal ways - just alleviating symptoms of different ailments. Lucky me, everything has an odd effect. Sudafed makes me giggly and unable to focus on things. It makes my ears ring, as well. NyQuil keeps me awake. DayQuil makes me shaky and drowsy, but it's difficult to fall asleep without having nightmares. Benadryl makes my eyes hurt. Tylenol makes my stomach ache. Advil makes me weepy. Cough drops discolor my teeth and wear away the enamel very quickly (my dentist has told me I shouldn't use them at all). Store brands also have funky effects, too. I should submit to testing at U of M or something. I'm sure that I probably have some weird chemistry in my brain or some hormone is not being produced the right way. In any case, I think I will enjoy my sobbing because I can still move around and get some work done.

Sorry for the rant. It's been a while.

Oh, universe, please give me a sign. Tell me what I am supposed to do with my life.

Wonky

I feel all wonky inside today. I'm not sure what is causing this sensation. I cannot focus on anything for long periods of time. I don't seem to care about the things I need to do. Damned wonkiness!

HOPE

I have found hope again. Don't ask me how. Perhaps it was the poster of Pandora that I found outside my classroom door that has found a new home on a shelf in the back...I don't know. All I do know is that I have found joy in life again, as well as hope for my own future.


I like that I have friends who see what I see, even when other friends are blind to it.

...and

I plan to walk tomorrow...
...and rake the leaves in my yard.
...and clean the glass top of my patio table.
...and work on revisions that Dale sends me.
...and fold, iron, hang, and put away all of my clean clothes.
...and call my sister.
...and take the bookcase upstairs.
...and set up my desk.
...and complete my lesson plans.
...and submit my lesson plans.
...and print some of my photography.
...and hang some pictures.
...and rearrange my living room.
...and vacuum everything.
...and measure my windows for new blinds.
...and go grocery shopping.
...and clean my kitchen.
...and clean both of my bathrooms.
...and go shopping for decor.
...and listen to music.
...and practice my band music.
...and make healthy meals.
...and harvest the seeds from my pumpkin.
...and hang a curtain rod in my music room.
...and install my new shower curtain rod.
...and visit with someone at some point.
...and find a repair shop for my cuckoo clock.
...and read some of the research texts I bought for my final master's project.
...and start the binder for my graduate reading course.
...and paint the wall trim in the dining room.
...and write.
...and smile.
...and make my daily list.
...and buy a newspaper.
...and do my homework for my graduate writing class.
...and go far.

Patio Furniture

I feel down, but I feel even worse for being down when so much of my life is decent. Other people have gone through, and are going through, so much more turmoil than I could ever possibly imagine. I want to put everything into perspective properly, but it's difficult when I try to map things out for myself, whether it be a life goal or simply plans for the evening, and others disregard me or forget me.

I snapped at someone on the phone today and then abruptly ended the call. This person did not necessarily deserve the treatment, but I was irritated and hurt. I don't know that this person knows enough about me to leave me alone for a while to build myself back up. I assume that most people don't enjoy confrontation, so I doubt that this particular person will rush to fix my wounded pride.

I have felt a little down all day, and this situation was a blow to my ego. I called a few people who always make me feel better, even though I know that their soul purpose in life is not just to make me feel better. I suppose I was just trying to reach out to my support system. I do that now. I didn't before, and I wound up having even more problems. No one answered.

I'm just going to go sit at my freshly painted patio table in my backyard for a while.

Manic Monday

I'm feeling oddly great after a day with a few ups and downs. I have become so irritated with one particular class that I've decided that I will just start my final graduate research project using this particular group of characters. I am looking forward to a brand new style of teaching that will, hopefully, address the wide range of needs with this group of talkative, disrespectful, annoying, overly active ninth grade students.

Students, both male and female, used to be able to sit in chairs and learn. What happened? Why do I do this for a living? I could have gone into advertising or photography or music or science. Maybe I should leave teaching for something that would allow me to work with adults. I know there are problems everywhere, but I am so tired of dealing with bad parenting meets the high school classroom scenarios.


I went grocery shopping (I bought Blue Moon ice cream!!!). I saw my cousin Corey working the cash register, but I didn't say hello. I figured he probably needed to focus on the huge line of people. I had a rickety cart, too, which made it difficult to maneuver back to where he was. I just pressed on and tried to enjoy my drive home.

Coupons!

Coupon-clipping day. I love coupons.

Dinner

Because I slept through my normal dinner time (plus work time, exercise time, and ukulele group time), I am eating dinner now.

On the plate:

grits with garlic salt and Parmesan cheese
Broccoli-cheddar-potato pierogies sauteed in margarine, onions, and herbs
thinly-sliced tomato with basil and spices


Dessert tonight:

one serving of Banana-flavored Yoplait yogurt
strawberries

Not there

I'm not at the anger stage. I want to be, but I'm not. It's unclear if I will reach that or if I will linger in this place of great depression and disappointment. Aaron's been really nice to me lately, checking on me and trying to get me to focus on the things in my life that are positive.

I honestly feel like part of me is missing. The void in my soul is not going to heal itself quickly.

I need to get back to grading papers. At least there is still hope for these young people.