New Beginnings

Stipulation #3

You must accompany me to events I enjoy (not every single one) to show that you support and enjoy who I am as an individual. Conversely, I will attend events you enjoy because I want to share moments you enjoy, too.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #2

You need to have your life in order, even if you are still working toward a degree or some sort of license for a sustainable career and income.

New Beginnings

Stipulation #1

If you haven't decided within a year that what we have is headed toward marriage, there is no reason to stay together. I'm not going to waste any more time on anyone who doesn't have the conviction to follow through.

Recurring Dream

I am no stranger to recurring dreams, even though the loss of teeth dream hasn't been a regular for some years. The latest dream is that I forget where I've parked my car in downtown Ann Arbor (although it's quite hilly on some streets). It's winter, and snow is piled high everywhere. It's dark, and I am desperately trying to find my car because I have to go to work.

Sometimes, I experience slight variations...traveling with a small group of musicians, running from someone who has stolen my shoes, moving in slow motion while everyone else functions at regular speed...

I have no sense of direction in these dreams, and I know how that relates to my life. I don't know what it means that my car is simply gone from all of the places.

Friend

Please don't ignore me. You've always had a princess mentality, despite definitely not being a princess. Perhaps you never got to be one in a father's or a lover's eye. That has nothing to do with me, and it has never really gotten in the way.

We used to be good friends. Then you thought you were too good for all of us.

I just want my friend back. I want to be able to confide in someone who understands the different dimensions of it all. You were always that person.

I've always had your back; however, I now wonder if you've ever had mine.

I really need my friend.


I'm probably the one who ruined it all. I held back the things that would help you to fully understand my predicament. It's not a class thing. I respect anyone who stands where they are and strives for something. I can't tell you. I can't share because it's not mine to share. It affects me, though. It affects my future. It affects the parts of my life that I have yet to experience...that I want to experience.

You

Hey!

You know what?

I don't want to. YOU are in the wrong. YOU!

F' off.

Arguments, Disappoint, Declined Invitations...

I think I feel down lately because I am sick. I just got over something, it is seems that another cold was just waiting for its moment.

I invited someone out for an evening, but he declined. I was sad about this, but I will get over it.

I was invited out to dinner by someone who has not asked to see me in a long time. I wasn't feeling well at that point, so I declined.


I don't think anyone understands how I work, and I feel disappointed.


On top of this strange turn of events today, I got into an argument with a friend. He expressed that I make(or will make) too much in my profession. I think people fail to understand that teachers are paid a 10-month salary. Most of us request that our paychecks be spaced out over the summer so that we can balance our monthly budgets. It's a 10-month (9 full month) salary, folks. It's not an annual salary - that's why we are not paid what others are paid for having to acquire the same amount of training and degrees. Get a clue, people!

Still

I'm not accustomed to the "bad" days anymore. I set my expectations too high for the circumstances of my life today, and I felt really depressed this evening when things didn't pan out the way I had envisioned.

I am so tired of standing still.

almost there

I used to be in control of almost every aspect of my life. I felt it necessary to have this control, even though it was destroying me. Since my life, pretty much, fell apart over a year ago, I've been focusing on only controlling the parts of my life that are my responsibility.

The deep level of unhappiness I experienced was not healthy, but I enjoyed the control. I had people wrapped around my finger.


I now feel much happier on a daily basis. I miss some of the aspects of the life I used to lead, and I've tried to regain them. I've failed. I no longer have anyone wrapped around any finger, and I feel irritated by this when I should be pleased that I no longer feel as though I am manipulating anyone. Every experience is supposed to be based on a partnership - with nature, with other people, etc.

I remember having a healthy outlook on the world a long time ago. I remember feeling that tug-of-war in a healthy way. I changed, fundamentally. I became scared of adventure, power struggles, and new experiences. I let these things take over the positive life experiences I had.

That is part of my decision to plan a road trip for the summer. I want to be alone. I want to push myself back out into the world that I want to trust and experience in a way I wasn't ready to do ten years ago - in a way I still wasn't ready to do one year ago.

I'm stronger now.

Better

Life seems to be getting better on many fronts, but I am still left without a solid direction. I want to somehow transport myself five years into the future. I want to be married. I want to have children. I want to be far into my Ph.D. program. I just don't know how to make it all happen.

...

How is it possible for someone to say or not say something and completely destroy me?

Vegemite, anyone?

I am working on detaching from almost everything in my life. This sensation isn't unfamiliar, but it isn't common, either. I am supposed to finish my MA this next week. The truth is that I will probably be asking my graduate adviser for an extension for the final pieces. I will be ready to present what I have completed during my time on Tuesday. I will not, however, be ready to go through the official sign-off.

My stress level makes it impossible to sleep on a normal schedule, and my lack of a solidly structured life makes it impossible for me to be completely productive in my endeavors.

My vitamin deficiency is causing a few problems, even though I have been taking extra vitamins as the season has been changing. I think this will be a battle for the rest of my life. Life would probably be much easier if I would just start eating meat again. I didn't eat much of it when I did eat me, though, so I still see myself having the same problem.

I am actually a bundle of emotions lately, but I am stuffing them away so that I can get things done. I know that bottling things up will not help me in the long run (all the different doctors I spoke with over the past year tell me so), but I just don't feel like telling anyone anything about why I am so overwhelmed. I'm more interested in finding out what is going on with my friends. I am more interested in letting my life and my problems be private. If other people really cared, they would ask me, right?

The people who are my "closest friends" don't really have time for me because of what they have created for their own lives.

March/April To-Do List

Revise Human Subjects Application, send back to Ellen for approval

Complete graduate research on research subjects

Write final graduate thesis

Create written document for audience

Write final graduate presentation (April 20th will be here before I know it!)

Petition the dean of the graduate school for one special topics class to be allowed in program

Lesson plans

Common exams

Grade student work

Decide on where I will have my bridesmaid dress pressed as I have two options I am considering (I'm hoping they simply steam it, because if they press it with anything iron-like, they risk discoloring it.)

Help plan a bachelorette party for April

Graduation on April 25

Create themed basket for bridal shower

Bridal shower on April 24

Make-up demonstration observation on April 17

Attend class every week

Prepare for concert in May

Publicity for concert

Let my ukulele group know that I will be skipping the next couple of meetings to get everything done.

Register for the foreign language methods class

Apply for loan forgiveness for public educators

Apply for professional certificate

Apply for new jobs

Submit master's paperwork to school district

Celebrate Mom's birthday 4/23

Bachelorette party 4/23

Go to the foot doctor to treat what seems to be a heel spur

Touch up hair color before wedding to make sure color is even.

Ride bike daily

HS staff meetings scheduled (4 total)

Dept. meetings scheduled (4 total)

End of marking period 3 = March 26

Spring Break = first week of April.

Find out hair style for wedding and have mom practice it several times.

Find out jewelry choices for wedding (earrings, necklace, bracelet, ring options)

Buy a new strapless bra

grad school

So, I received my graduation audit back. Apparently, my graduate adviser never submitted some paperwork that would put me in place to graduate in April. I now have to get on her case and get her to get things in this coming week.

I am DONE with the program. There are no other classes I can take, but she didn't put in "waiver" forms for some of the classes she herself had substituted for four of us.

Grrr!

Cats

My cat Natalie seems to understand the nature of questions in that they demand a response. She often does not respond to statements. She does follow commands (usually) without commentary. When I ask questions, though, she is incredibly chatty. This is not a new observation, but it seems worthy of a revisit today because she is talking a lot. I still have no real idea what she is replying, but she controls the sound and volume of her murmurs and meows to convey some sort of message.

She greets me at the door when I get home and makes a meow-chirp noise that I can only assume means "Hello" as it is two syllables. I wonder how much is mimicry and how much is true understanding of sound communication. I adopted her from the Humane Society on the earliest day they would allow me to, so it's safe to say that she didn't have a lot of influence from other cats as she matured.

Alison, on the other hand, is an extremely quiet animal when it comes to meowing. I didn't get her until she was, perhaps, 7 months old. She had been returned to the Humane Society from another family. She is still accustomed to being held like a baby and being "dolled" up, which tells me that there was probably a young girl with whom she lived prior to being added to my family. When she sees little girls with long, blond hair on TV, she has run up to them and started purring. I find this quirk a little odd for any animal.

There were some behavioral problems for the first year or so, and I am certain that she was abused. She even used to cower and run if she did happen to make a meowing noise. It was not in play, either. Her irrational fear of normal household items has taken many years to train away. Peeing herself when she'd see a broom or rolled up magazine or newspaper was almost enough to make me take her back to the HS, but I made a commitment to the animal, and I did not break it. She no longer fears me or these objects, although she hasn't warmed up to the broom, even though it is no longer a threat.

The noises she makes are based on what she can manipulate with her paws. She loves plastic bags and seems to enjoy crinkling them early in the morning they way young children do to irritate parents or siblings. I have found stores of bags tucked away in places I can barely reach, so there is some prankster-like attitude in her character.

Why did I write all this? I don't know. Perhaps Natalie's responses to my questions earlier today got me thinking or perhaps I am trying to avoid writing lesson plans.

February 2010

I am feeling somewhat in control of different aspects of my life.


Final grad project is well under way!

Emotions are not running too high lately, but when they do, I am not running to others.

I have plans for this weekend.

I absolutely LOVE my new glasses. I'm still adjusting to the new prescription, but the geeky frames suit me.

Band is going well. I am the publicist. I volunteered for the job!

I am mastering more knitting patterns.

I am starting to cook more. I love making homemade vegetable soup (the Crock pot does most of the work, though).

I am getting more sleep than usual, which is really great.

I am now actively involved in getting my life moving forward. There is still a lot to do, but I am definitely tackling each new obstacle.

I am distancing myself from a few people who make me feel anxious, nervous, or just plain angry. I have a choice in the matter (most of the time).

Do svidaniya

I received an odd email today through meetup. This site is not a place for singles to meet; it is simply a collection of groups for people to join. I found my current ukulele group as well as a variety of knitting and drumming groups I have yet to join. The email was from some 30-year-old man in my city who, apparently, wants to meet me. This message took me by complete surprise. It was somewhat of a pick-me-up, but it also brought on a sudden feeling of paranoia. I have no idea who this person is, but he found me through the ukulele group. He had suggested to his mother (who is a hand-drummer) to send me an invitation to a local drumming circle event so that we might have the opportunity to meet. When the drum circle was canceled at the last minute, he decided to email me directly.

Now, I am all for people going after what they want. In fact, I encourage people to stand up and take those risks because, let's face it, life doesn't present all the opportunities we'd like. Sometimes we have to jump start our lives a little. What makes me feel uncomfortable is that this person knows where I plan to be later on in February. If this individual is unbalanced in any way, that puts my safety at risk.

I have no intention of contacting this person, but I did some digging into his background just to find out if he is real. He appears to be what he claimed in the message. He is, in fact, in the IT field. He has his own business. I found him on MySpace. The page appeared legitimate, and I looked at pictures. I do not intend to contact this man, and it is good to now have a picture in mind should I pass him on sidewalk as I walk around Ann Arbor.

I have a strange history of attracting odd characters, and I think that this is just a new one to add to the list. If Beck were to read this, she'd probably label him "Weirdo # something" as she used to do in college. I have a truly wary nature about men. I've never dated anyone who was not first a friend, and I have no intention of breaking from tradition. In all actuality, I don't know where I stand in the whole dating thing, and I am enjoying not being set in any solid direction. I do things because I want to do them - without obligation.

I have decided to be passive about the whole thing. I will not send a message back, even though I've always been taught that it is rude to not return correspondence. In this case, I am not acquainted with the person and I did not solicit any contact. Therefore, it is justifiable to not contact this man. If we were friends or acquaintances, then some sort of polite refusal or acceptance of a date would be in order.

In his closing, he said "Do svidaniya." There were some instances of language differences that suggested he is from another country, but he seems to have a very solid grasp of American English, which suggests that he moved here while he was still quite young. His parting words struck me, though, because most people believe that do svidaniya means good-bye forever. It really means the same as the German "Auf Wiedersehen!" or until we meet again. Do the Russians have a word or phrase for good-bye that doesn't suggest a later meeting?

Hello, Universe. I see you again.

Tonight marked the first marching band reunion. A handful of people showed up, and it was wonderful to sit and talk with people I haven't seen in years.

I was truly thrilled when I saw a familiar non-band face. Jeff P. and I have been out of contact since our graduation (he and I were paired for the stage part of commencement). We sat and talked, and I cannot tell how thrilling it was to talk to him. He was planning to meet a couple of his friends (one showed up for a few minutes - it was Rob C.!). I talked with both of them for a couple of minutes. I really felt as though the universe was putting me where I belong. I notice this phenomenon every so often when coincidences fall into place.

Later conversation with some of the guests of our own party made me feel connected to something greater. Todd S. and I spoke of our shared students (he at the middle school last year and I at the high school this year).


I was right where I was supposed to be...and it was a sensation that will help me to make decisions this upcoming year.

Is There Anybody Out There?

I am spending Christmas Day alone. My family gathered last night at my place for dinner. I didn't think I would feel so depressed right now. I don't feel like I am a part of anything like I should be today.

Instead, I am sitting in near silence with my cats. I keep adding wood the fire (I do love having a fireplace), and I am hoping some friends (or, even, my parents) just stop by. I have plenty of food and wine, and it would be nice to share in some holiday cheer.

Perhaps I will just nap away the day.

I can drink and be merry tomorrow when I meet a bunch of old friends in Plymouth. Today will be my rest day.

2009 coming a close

It's time to take stock of our lives again, folks. It's time to decide what things need work, what things need to be left behind, and what we will make for our future.

For me, 2010 will include:
Earning my MA in April
Bridal showers
Two weddings (I will be a bridesmaid again.)
Lay-off from work in June (It's much easier to stomach knowing that this will happen year after year for a while.)
A new place to hang out in Farmington Hills (a good friend just got his own place there).


If I choose from my present, I could have:
A relationship with my ex, but I'd have to cut off all contact with someone else (and stop attending things that I enjoy on the off-chance that the someone else might be there). There are so many reasons why I stayed with him over the past decade. Many of those reasons are rooted in the foundation that is us.
A relationship with the someone else. I fear I would keep pushing this person in ways that he is not altogether familiar - I don't like standing still, and I see that as a potential problem.
A life being truly single with no one occupying my time.
A relationship with someone brand new, but I have major trust issues and cannot fully get into a relationship with anyone who is not, at least, a friend for a long period of time.

I haven't yet decided what it is that I will not have in 2010. That is where the work truly starts.