KIDS

I met the Canadian's kids. It was a nice day spent with them. I really do want kids someday.

KIDS

So, the Canadian asked if I'd like to meet his kids this Saturday. I told him to talk with them first to make sure that would be okay with them, seeing as Saturday is their day with "Dad." He put off the conversation, telling me he would address it on their car ride back to Windsor tonight. I am now waiting to talk to him to see if this weekend is, in fact, a go or not.

Christmas

I have been stressed for weeks about my $0 income this season. Christmas isn't going to be as big as it typically is in my family.

I did manage to get all presents today. I just need to wrap them and get ready for my weekend guest who will be joining my family for Christmas Eve dinner.

Is it August again?

I ended my relationship with the boyfriend. I couldn't take the daily arguments and a gruesome series of events that I just don't know how to process. 


I drove to that nearby country and visited with the Canadian after he insisted it would do me good to just get out of my home for a while. 

He took me to a holiday party, and I found a way to just kind of blank out and get through it. I'm not really feeling great in crowds. We then stayed up late, watching TV. It felt good to experience routine like that after what happened Fiday night. 


I stayed there, curled up in the Canadian's arms all night after some crying and a lot of talking. I've missed that.

Spent all of today talking.

We'll see where this might lead....down the same, ugly, hurtful path or a new one...

Friends and Enemies

Last night I hung out with someone I dated before. It was supposed to be a short visit - an hour or so. I ended up staying for about six hours. We discussed the elephant in the room - something that we'd attempted to discuss before. This time, we really heard each other, and we reached a new level of understanding that makes me hopeful for friendship, at the very least, and possibly more, if it can all be new.

We ordered pizza and ate in the living room while watching episodes of Wilfred.

Our discussion circled the show, then wove into the fabric of our experiences together in the past. I felt like I belonged there. I was meant to be there.

I don't know how this will lead the story to unfold, but I can only see good things coming from our interaction. I want those good things. The phase of questions has moved from the WHYs to the HOWs....as in how do I get what is so clearly right when the clearly wrong stuff has already happened? Where do I go from here?


So, I drove back from Canada and visited the boyfriend on my way back home. He hurt me more than I can really explain at the moment. That's all I can really say about it right now. Why do people instantly turn from friend to foe?

Life is about to get more complicated again, and I don't know if I can deal with it. I am trying to be pragmatic, but I'm shaken. I'm kind of broken right now, and I met two new people who are walking me through some stuff. 

I know writing about it could help, but I have been told to hold off on publicizing things on that front while certain people complete their work. I just feel rage. I feel like I want to escape. I really wish I had some of my (old/former) friends right now. 

I know the person I visited wants more than friendship, and I am aware that I'm not okay right now. The heart wants what it wants...when it wants it. There is no logic and reasoning with it, and I'm a mess. 

I am weighing this option. 

With or Without You

Why did you treat me that way? 

Why couldn't you have been gentle with my heart? 

Why did you have to fuck it all up? 

I'm miserable without you. I'd be miserable with you until I could accept and move on, and I hate that you still have the ability to hurt me, just creating more WITHOUT in my life. 

I dislike the choices you've made in your life, and I really thought we were turning a corner. 

Misery WITH you still sounds better than misery WITHOUT you, I'm afraid.

I miss you. 

What I Didn't Expect...

2011 gave me plenty of things I didn't expect....let's look at the list.

1 - a stroke caused by something rare and usually fatal - a ruptured brain aneurysm.
2 - brain surgery
3 - surviving and thriving after brain surgery.
4 - a broken heart when my ex-fiance told me he found someone else.
5 - a best friend who is more supportive and wonderful to me than all of my other best friends over the course of my lifetime. Who would have thought that I could ever grow so close with a former student of mine?
6 - Falling head-over-heels for someone from another country, only to have that ripped away from me through his heartless act in September.
7 - A good friendship with someone I met though an online dating site. We keep in touch daily and have just really become two "old friends" very quickly.
8 - Volunteering at an HIV-AIDS center
9 - Making a plan to return to work soon.

10 - After my stroke, being abandoned by friends I  never thought would throw me away. 


It's been a rough year, to say that least, but the highs were REALLY high. I'm hoping 2012 brings more good than bad.

Going...Going....G....!

I'm not sure if there's been some reconciliation attempts from the Canadian. We finally discuss what went wrong in a calm, collected manner. I don't necessarily understand why we are doing this. We aren't trying to rebuild waht we had, but we both do miss it and each other a lot. Our feelings of mutual loneliness bond us. And enough time has passed that just the smallest of keystrokes on the computer don't make me come apart at the seams.

The new BF is aware of my feelings for someone else. I feel guilty about this and try to get them to stop, but they are still there. I just wish there were a way for me to not feel this way and for the BF to not be so angry about me experiencing the 'human condition.'

Something Familiar

I talked to the Canadian today on Yahoo. The exchange remained positive. I needed the supportive commentary that only the Canadian is able to give in a way that builds me up. Afterward, I felt stupid and weak because the truth is, I really miss him. If he were to end things with his current/ex-girlfriend, is there any way I could ever try something with him again? I say no, but who knows? I had never before felt like belonged anywhere as much as I felt I belonged with him. It was the oddest thing to encounter, especially with someone who isn't even from my own country. We just cliqued in the ways that truly matter. I wish he hadn't done what he did. He ruined it. He ruined us.

Hurt and Angry Now

I hate waking up alone, especially when I had plans for someone to stay over. I feel hurt. I feel angry.


WHY did I give in? Why did I let someone get close? FML

A Boyfriend

I haven't shared my good news with many people just yet. It's not Facebook official, but I got myself a new boyfriend.

The heart of the issue....

I'm being offered exactly what I keep trying to offer to someone else. The part of me that wants that is tempted to "settle" for the seemingly lesser person just so that I can experience that sense of belonging and such. The guy is a nice guy - a really nice guy - so I wouldn't necessarily be setting myself for anything detrimental, but the heart wants what it wants, right?

Faith in You.

You give me faith that God exists and that I'm actually supposed to experience real happiness. Why won't you just commit and love me? What do I need to do to make you feel safe and loved and okay with taking such a huge leap of faith?

I have faith in you. Can you please have faith in me?

Stood Up

I had plans with someone new tonight. He was a no-show. He called right around the time I returned home. He claims he was there; he just wasn't paying attention to the door at the restaurant and totally missed me standing there, waiting.. I waited for 30 minutes and left.

He has a phone issue - it only works if he has wi-fi connection, so he didn't get my calls until he returned home. Do I chalk this one up to miscommunication and make future plans to see him or do I tell him to never contact me again?

Halloween

Pagan New Year.

And it feels like new directions are necessary.

Can I just stay in and cry tonight?

The End of an Okay Week

So, Tupperware man said he's going to leave me alone...and he sent two texts to reiterate that point.


I went to a lecture at U of M yesterday afternoon. I felt the need to explore more academic ideas than I've been doing at home.

Tonight I have a date, although I'm not entirely sure I'm going to go through with it. I am still very hurt by what the Canadian did, and I know I am not necessarily ready to get out

Tupperware Man and other stories

So, the revenge meeting person turned out to be very heavy into daily drug use.

I met another POF guy. His name - Joe. He has turned out to be obsessive and possessive. I'm not quite sure how to rid myself of him. The shit hit the fan yesterday, and I am trying like hell to distance myself from him as quickly as possible. I started calling him Tupperware man because he refuses to return some Tupperware of mine.

I went to meet someone in Windsor. I stopped to see Steve. He and I had a very calm and polite conversation. Part of me really misses him, even though I'm still hurt.

The new Windsor guy seems friendly...not interested in more than friendship, which is fine by me.

Went to meet a guy named Andy tonight. The meeting was friendly, but I had hoped there might be some sort of spark since he's a nice guy...never married, no kids. And he's cute....very cute.

A Dose of Reality

So, it's been a while since I wrote anything here. I've been seeing a Canadian guy for over a month now. He devastated me yesterday when I simply asked if he'd been with anyone else since we started dating.

He replied, "I don't want to hurt you, but yes, I have."

He said it just happened, almost like someone just wakes up hits the snooze bar or something. And it happened two wweeks ago with his ex-girlfriend. I'm so completely hurt.

I truly care for the guy, and I am trying to be mature about this. We aren't in an exclusive relationship. How do I just let something like that go and move on from it? I've been going on dates and I've kissed a few people, but that is definitely not the same thing as having sex with someone.

As revenge, I went back on plentyoffish and started talking to someone. I'm really glad I did. I ended up going to meet this really nice guy from Waterford. He's yet another father for the collection of fathers I have been seeing, but he's really down-to-earth and normal. He even understands that whole aneurysm thing. Part of it is his background in the medical field. The other is that his family is riddled with them. I could totally see going out with him again.

THe Life I Had Planned

Nothing ever works out the way one plans, and I am trying to surrender myself to this notion.

I truly believed I would be married by now - married to the man who has been the focus of the past ten years of my life. That ended.

I'm trying to get my bearings in this single world, and I've already made some mistakes, I'm afraid. I'm not sure what I should be doing.

The Downward Spiral

My fall from grace shall be a big one. I'm flirtatious and I feel as though I am bordering on crazy.

I went out to a club with someone who has become a very close friend over the past 4-5 years. While we have a tremendous friendship, I do realize that it looks bad that I am now hanging out in the social scene with him.