Writing

Joe pointed out that I seem to dwell on one specific issue on my MySpace blog. I won't say that I don't write about it a lot - it is something that I have been struggling to understand for some time. I jumped the gun a little by suggesting to a few very close friends what I thought the underlying issue was, but it doesn't feel like that is truly the root. I explained the closest I could to what I was feeling - I didn't have another word for it. It's not quite that, but it is at the same time. It's like my emotions are tangled, and there is no way to see what they are outside of the intricate knot that exists, so I grasp at concepts that aren't always accurate. I know I post a lot there, but sometimes, I don't share my other writings. I set a number of them as "private." I mean, even that post was only able to be viewed by the short list of people on my preferred list.

I wish I was brave enough to share ALL of my writing. I have two blogs that I update fairly regularly. I sometimes write in a journal. I also write lists, songs, poetry, short stories, short plays (that could be performed in about 10 minutes), letters, self-reflective pieces, academic papers, plans for my life, and so on.

If I were to share all of these writings, my friends would see that on a daily basis, I don't really dwell on any one thing more than another. I think that I am just uncomfortable breaking away from sharing what they already know about me. It's okay for me to share emotions because we've all felt those, but sharing what is a true creation of mine is totally different. I feel self-conscious and scared that my fiction isn't profound enough or that my plays don't embody the essence of humanity.

My songs seem to focus on either deep emotion or they are goofy and overtly sexual, the latter of which not being something I have ever felt comfortable sharing with an audience. My upbringing in a house that did not acknowledge and discuss that part of human existence makes me feel bashful when the topic comes up. I know my lyrics are a way of making light of my own insecurities and embarrassment over such issues, but to share them would make me feel ashamed.

How do I get myself to feel comfortable sharing all of my writing? How do I move beyond the worry that my friends might laugh at something that I couldn't bear to know is terrible? I used to share my writing with a small group of writers, and that was okay. Perhaps I need to give Eric a call and locate Gwen and Scot to start that back up.


And, on a related note, I write so much because, at any given moment, I have at least five different things going on in my head. There is always a running list of tasks that need to be completed (sort of like the ticker at the bottom of CNN or FOXNews), usually two or three daydreams going on simultaneously (and they stay separate in my mind, even if they completely contradict each other), my inner voice that is commenting on the scenarios and how they relate to my life, and another voice that says why I shouldn't share certain thoughts or why I need to worry about something. I consider the last one to be the editor or the filter, and it tends to have the most control. Is there a way to stop this? When I used to do yoga (or if I'd had a couple glasses of wine), I could cut it down to maybe three things, but never could I just have one. It would be so wonderful to give my mind a break. It's always racing, especially in the middle of the night.

I've shared some of the thoughts with Jeremy on occasion - he was overwhelmed with just the different ideas going through my mind in a short two-minute interval. He tells me he doesn't know how I do it. I asked what he meant, in one instance, and he said that with all the ideas going on, he had no idea how I could function like a normal person. A "normal" person. I know he wasn't trying to call me strange or make me feel upset, but I tend to feel like other people's words are cryptic, and therefore, need analysis. I don't think I am abnormal. Am I?

Feeling of Ick

I feel down. It's not for any particular reason, though. Something just feels off today. I had planned to get a lot of housecleaning done. It didn't happen. I planned to work on curriculum. I will admit I did that. I failed to grade student work. I found out I earned a 4.0 this semester in grad school, which is great.

I think I just needed time for me. I spent a lot of time upstairs here on the computer, but Jeremy is downstairs on his laptop, and it just seems like I have no time on my own. I rarely want this time. I prefer to be around others most of the time.

I miss certain friends. I keep trying to make plans with Maureen, Melissa, and Becky, but things fall through. At least one of us is usually sick at any given moment. Mike is not a part of my social life anymore, and I definitely feel the loss. I'm sure Jeremy is happy to have me all to himself, but I am snippy and not the best company possible today.

I am considering cleaning out the spare room. The truth is that I've been avoiding it for some time, and I think I have a lot of stuff I've needed for months hanging out in the closet. I've just been too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed, or too distracted to get to it. I think this is my chance. Maybe afterward I will get outside and go for a walk in this cold weather. Sure my cough will get worse, but the fresh air will do me good.

Another Snow Day

I received my snow day call earlier that usual. My district often calls them quite late. I decided to go back to sleep, as I spent most of the night coughing. I don't feel awful, and I'd really like to fly somewhere this weekend, but I feel like I'd be putting other people through hell thinking that they are going to catch this cold.

I don't know why I keep getting sick. Over the past four months, I have spent much of my time recovering. I believe my immune system is compromised simply because of where I work. The building is old, the ventilation system is non-existent, and there is so much mold and asbestos that it weakens me on a daily basis.

I also haven't been as active as I'd like. My weariness (and my constant sneezing and coughing) has kept me away from the gym. That does factor in, I suppose.


I think I will start my day today by scrubbing the kitchen. I don't think we are going to find a flight to Frankfurt with seats available today. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a seat or two. Then all I have to do is find a place for us to stay while we are there - which will NOT be easy. Nuremberg is sort of the "official" center of German Christmas festivities. That's why we want to go there right now.

9:00 on a Saturday

I don't remember the last time I saw 9:00 AM on a Saturday. I woke before 7:00 today, having slept from 9:00 PM last night. I couldn't believe it. I did dishes and cleaned some of the bathroom. I booted up the computer and looked over several items to make a short Christmas list. The only thing I need is a winter coat (and Jeremy was with me while I picked one out at Dick's Sporting Goods last night). It's more expensive than the limit we had set for ourselves, as North Face products can be pricey, but we decided to tweak the numbers this year. I really need a coat (I've been simply wearing three or four layers of clothes under one of Jeremy's old thinly-lined coats), and the one I tried on is perfect. I don't need anything else, and I can't bear to ask anyone for anything that I wouldn't probably get for myself, anyway. Christmas will be incredibly small this year - everyone is struggling financially, whether it is due to job loss or governmental dipping into already-established retirement funds (which I find horrifically disturbing - taking money from those who did prepare for their futures to give to people who didn't and to help business recover profit loss).

I might ask my parents for a Gorillapod for my camera this year. I don't really need a major tripod, as I don't really have a nice digital camera just yet. I have a decent one that I will continue to use for a while before upgrading (probably next year). I also might ask for a violin. I found a great deal on one online. My parents ordered my tenor ukulele from the same company last year, as well as a bunch of percussion instruments. I just feel strange, though, asking for something that is not necessary. I was just wishing last year for a tenor uke, and I could not believe that my parents got me one. They raised me to be overly practical, so splurging on something like that for me is outrageous.

I ended up not having percussion rehearsal last night, so I looked over my project notes. I have so much work ahead of me. I need to plan better next semester. There is just too much to accomplish before Monday.

Jeremy is on duty for breakfast today, as I did dishes and gathered dirty clothes this morning. He also has to run errands, even though I cautioned him to hurry. He also has homework to do. I can't stand when life gets in the way of formal education.

Restless

I can't sleep. I haven't really tried to sleep, but I think it will be difficult. I slept for an hour or two in my living, both on the floor and on the couch, as well as a little on both at the same time.

My mind is racing, as it usually does at this hour. I need to set a wedding date already. I don't understand why I am making such a big deal about this. I need to get back on the fitness thing. I've just been so sleepy lately with reduced sunlight. I never experienced such a strong shift before. It's so strange. Perhaps I should get one of those light boxes. I need to get my place organized, but I like cleaning in the middle of the night. Neighbors don't like to hear vacuum cleaners then. I should be writing the stories and songs that are always on my mind. I need to get a few household items to organize my home better. I need to do laundry. I am praying for a snow day, but I don't really need one. I just want to sleep in on a school day, but I refuse to call in sick or take a personal day. I have a concert this weekend (tickets are $12.00 each, which I find to be way too expensive!). I don't know if I will be going to my ukulele meeting this month. I have no reason not to...I just think I will veg out too much, and I will become lazy. I have a lot of copies to make tomorrow morning, so I had better get to school early. My students are lazy, so they probably won't do the work, anyway. I have an exam to finish formatting. I feel like leaving my profession in search of something different (preferably a field that doesn't focus on kids), even though I like what I do for a living. I should move somewhere else in the world. Jeremy no longer wants to move to Germany. I was working on getting my stuff together, but he now wants to stay here. He needs to stop doing this. I started thinking that maybe I should have taken either the English job in Palm Springs or the German job in Anchorage last year. Then I figure that I've already moved away to establish myself in the adult world. I came home. That should be fine, right? I miss certain friends, but the sentiment is fading. I have so much more me time, which probably makes me sound self-important. I keep thinking about words I've never used before. I don't know how I would go about incorporating these words (like 'pugnacious') into everyday conversation without sounding condescending. Then I worry that my (over)use of those sparsely-used words might make me come across as trite. Suggestions?

I sound crazy tonight. I think I might try to get some sleep, even though I am not tired. If sleep doesn't come knocking at my door, I suppose I can just stare at the wall or ceiling. I joked earlier that I should have made a pot of coffee to knock my ass out. I am starting to think that that would be a great idea (caffeine does make me extremely tired). I really should get a doctor's opinion on that situation.

When Harry Met Sally

I was thinking about this movie a lot today. I also thought about the conversations Beck and I had in college regarding some of the themes within it.

Over

I feel like I am moving beyond it. Really.

I'm shocked, too, folks.

I feel dysfunctional now that I really have no solid dysfunction.

That's as open as I feel like being tonight.

Mystery

Is it fair for me to miss the mystery that disappears when two people live together?

Good Day / Bad Day

Today felt like a bad day. The weirdest part is that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the day. I enjoyed myself here and there with reading and talking and writing. It was a rather full day, to say the least.

I didn't sleep last night, not one wink. I stared at the ceiling mostly, then at my various alarm clocks, then at the ceiling again. I was really bummed when one alarm sounded. I thought to myself that it would be great to try to get some sleep then. I reset the alarm and just continued to stare - this time at the wall next to the bed. I feel congested, but I am in good spirits.

When the alarm sounded again, I hopped up to do some laundry and get ready for the day.

I arrived at work early and proceeded to wait in line to make copies. When the machine was running, I quickly ventured off to print an attendance form and return (I was away for approximately one minute). I found another teacher had stopped the copier and had decided to start using it. His wife, (another teacher who really used to be a close friend) basically told me that I can't "take up" the copier when other people need it (there are two others in the same room that weren't being used). I was so irritated with this comment. I explained that I had stepped away from it simply because the copies were running and I needed to get something, much like she had done the week prior (and, for the record, I did not stop her copies!). I can't believe what rude, self-important people I work with.

Number one, I had been waiting in line since 6:20 AM. It was 7:00. She and her husband should have shown up early and waited like the rest of us.

Number two, I was using the machine for papers I needed first hour. I wasn't "taking up" a copier.

My students weren't working to their fullest capability today, either, except for my general English kids. I was shocked. They were polite and helpful and focused. Did Hell freeze over last night or something? What did I miss?

I worked on typing an exam for the end of the semester. I also typed up some items for my grad class. Class went by quickly. I like that our class has a distinct community feel to it. We have our routines and we all seem to get along. Jason and I walk back our cars (in the poorly-lit faraway lot), talking about our classrooms, and sometimes our mutual friends (Eve, namely).

I came home and still didn't want dinner. I know I need to eat something, but it feels way too late to eat. I have only a few papers to grade, but I feel like curling up and reading Dante's Inferno (again). It must be because my students are still reading The Odyssey. I prefer The Inferno. I think it tells a much more intellectual tale of one man's journey.

Anyway, I think I might go read for a while now. I am considering getting a bunch of Young Adult novels to read soon. I used to have a small collection when I taught in Florida, but I left most of those books there. I wish I would have at least brought Cut with me. I never got to read all of the books in my collection, but students asked for them, and I felt that the books would serve a greater purpose in their hands.

How can I still feel like today is a bad day? Nothing bad happened.

Well, I take that back. I wouldn't say something "bad" happened, but I missed my friend. I thought about him a lot today. I feel so far from where we were and who we were when we stopped speaking. I don't know what the deal is with me. I'm not feeling depressed about the situation; on the contrary, I am feeling that missing him is positive. We need to be going our separate directions at this point in our lives. There must just have been something in the air that made me think of him.

Am I mourning the loss of November? November was quite good, full of old and new memories and old and new friends. This fall has been a great one. I can't remember the last time I felt so connected to people and events. It has been a non-stop fun fest. Maybe I'm afraid December won't follow suit...December is a different beast entirely.

Scattered

I have spent a lot of time lately with a variety of friends. While it is good to reconnect with people, I find that I have neglected my home for far too long. I arrived home quite late last night. I didn't expect to have a good time at my reunion, but things went really well. Some of the people I didn't necessarily hang out with a lot were great company. We talked. We danced. We bought one another rounds of drinks.

I had forgotten how well I got along with Erin and Tara. It was strange to see the reactions early in the evening from their friends in high school. I was irritated, at first, until I realized that they were just sizing up the situation and the people, much like I was. The dirty looks went away quickly, and we were all able to communicate like we've never been able to before. I think that sort of happens when alcohol is involved.

Natalie was really friendly. We'd never had issues before, but it was really nice to sit down and talk about her wedding. Candice has a store in Livonia. Jay has a business with his dad. Tiana is just as spunky as always. Lisa and Angela showed up in their letter jackets. I can't believe I didn't expect that from those two goofballs. Brandon danced a lot with Vera's sister, and Vera turned into the protective older sister. It was funny. Tara and Erin dragged me around for a while and bought me a shot. I, of course, returned the favor.

Later on, Jay and I talked. I'm probably going to drag him to some of my ukulele things, seeing as he now has a uke of his own. He doesn't yet know how to play it, but that comes with time and practice. I kept taking his Scotch. Jay and I always got along, and it was nice to pick up where we left off. Kerry and Dave will most likely be moving away from our complex this spring. The band students clumped together, for the most part, and I visited for a short while. Then, I kind of got bored. I've seen them every couple of years with all of the weddings. I saw Kempa. I'm not sure why it surprised me that he was there. Justin and I talked a lot. He seems to be adjusting well to his new place. He won't be needing my furniture, dishes, and appliances, after all, so now I can offer them to others. Julie didn't really know who I was and asked if I am Alicia. I was a little hurt by this simply because we used to be so close, but I can understand that life has taken us far away from each other and it is easy to forget people. I tend to not forget people (or gifts they've given me, things they've said, etc.), but I understand that other people don't operate this way.

Anyway, back to my original post here (see? I am quite scattered). I've been cleaning all day. It is getting better, but there is still so much to do. There is one more round of dishes to do (I have a tiny dishwasher). I have a kitchen to clean, as well. I rearranged my living room. I don't know if I like it, but it will help to keep the cold out. I can always move things another way that will leave it open and inviting. I have gathered almost ten bags of trash from my compulsive cleaning. I didn't get a lot done last night after drinking, so I felt it necessary to clean today.

Laundry will be done tomorrow. I also have to create all of my documents for work, create my first draft of my presentation for class tomorrow, type up the rest of the English 9 semester exam, and I need to find time to do chores. The ukulele site needs a little maintenance with links, so I volunteered to do that. Wedding plans need to be set. Christmas cards and letters need to be written. Music must be practiced for my concert.

I also need to make a Christmas list. It's difficult because I like practical gifts, and there is nothing I truly need. If someone could give me time, I'd be happy, but that is just not a possibility.

My emotions are off the charts lately. I attribute a lot of my confusion and malaise to too much interaction with others. Down-time just hasn't been available. I suppose that is why I am spending the night in tonight. James had sent me a message about the Corner Brewery, but it's necessary for me to collect my thoughts and feelings. Other friends seem to be going through this, as well.

I need to train myself to be comfortable with moderation. Too much of any good thing can actually turn out to be a bad thing. I see it in several areas of my life.

Long Talks

I tried to explain to Jeremy the things I've learned about myself over the last few months. He seemed to catch a glimpse of all of the emotional stuff that has been looming over me.

He commented that it has taken three, possibly four, people to replace Mike in my life. I started to argue with him, but I realized he is right. I am opening up more to Jeremy, which is bringing us closer together (which is the point when you are planning to marry someone, right?). Joe and I have been hanging out more. We meet for drinks and talk about life while listening to music. Carrie has been around a lot lately. We are getting in good discussion time that helps to sort out all of life's crazy situations and emotions. Jessy has been playing his guitar and singing for me after school while I am grading papers...

...and Jeremy couldn't be happier. He admitted today that he has never been able to put up with Mike. He always felt like Mike got in the way. I agree. Mike has always been one to interrupt the flow of my relationship with Jeremy, but we've never been able to sit down and discuss that before.

I still miss hanging out with Mike, but I realize that he served in a capacity that made me incredibly dependent upon him. That is simply unhealthy, although many might argue another side to the situation.

Little Bits

I find telling some my truths / secrets very therapeutic. The problem is that I can only let them out in little bits at a time, or else I feel overwhelmed by emotion and I either shut down or flip out.

Jessy, Joe, and Carrie have been great listeners lately. I don't know what I would do without them. Maureen is usually someone I can talk to, but I know she is busy with work and grad school (and a live-in boyfriend...two cats...etc.). Melissa is always busy. She doesn't stay still at all. Jessy sat in my classroom and played the guitar and sang for me while I graded papers on Friday. It was awfully sweet of him.

The truths I have are nothing that I can do anything about, which is sad. I just need to find some other way of dealing with them. I have ideas, but they never seem to work out well.

About Me

I reworked the "About Me" portion of my MySpace profile page. It felt good to step outside of myself and write in a different perspective. I'm supposed to be writing an exam eight now, but I find myself more interested in working on the some of the issues I am dealing with on a personal level.

I met Joe at Fifth Avenue on Friday. I was depressed, and he tried to cheer me up. It mostly worked, but I was irritable and I didn't take his help as well as I could have. Sorry about that, Joe. I know you were trying to help. I had just reached bitch mode, which is difficult to return from. Joe left relatively early, and I felt bad because he actually helped to put me in a better mood, which he missed. I wouldn't say that I was in a great mood, but I was much better.

Tony was there. We talked over drinks. I haven't had a chance to sit down with him in years, so it felt a little weird. I didn't know what to talk about. I didn't really know enough about him and his life to know what to ask. He mentioned that he was going back to school, so we started there. I had never before realized why he spent so many years working where he does. I guess when your parent really needs your help financially, you make sacrifices in regard to your education and life to keep the family house (and to keep the family intact). I would make the same sacrifices for my parents after all of the sacrifices they've made for me, that is, if they found themselves in a similar situation. Tony made me laugh, which I needed, but I felt bad for laughing about his former girlfriend and her racism that he didn't notice until after several years with her. How does one not notice their partner is a racist? I kept thinking of Stephen Lynch's comedy (the Nazi girlfriend song). We both walked away saying it was nice to catch up.

quiet and sad

I feel quiet and sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

Welcome, November!

I slept in today! I haven't been able to sleep in for weeks, and sleeping at all has been spotty lately. My mind is always going, and I have far too many responsibilities for my pay grade.

I had several very vivid dreams last night, a couple of which I cannot stop thinking about. They were quite disturbing and I am curious what is causing them.

I noticed today on MySpace that I was one friend shy of the set I had before. After a little digging, I realized that Mike had cut me from his music page listing. He removed me from his Facebook list roughly a week ago. I'm kind of curious why it took him so long to cut me from the other (and he hasn't cut any of MY friends - but if you want to cut him loose from yours because he has his head up his ass, please feel free - not that I expect you to or that I really want you to...that would just be resorting to his methods). Jeremy thinks it is a ploy to get some sort of a reaction out of me. I suppose it is getting a reaction - I am writing about it, aren't I? Jeremy thinks Mike wants me to try to contact him - I don't have a single reason to do that. I don't resort to childish, whiny responses to already childish tactics. I don't have the patience or time for them. I actually find it funny that he is trying to remove me from his life like he would any girlfriend he's decided he doesn't want to see any more. I can only shake my head and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

I cleaned a few things today. I was pretty proud of myself. I never have time for anything domestic lately. I still need to shower and get ready for my performance tonight. I just couldn't see the logic in showering, then scrubbing floors and bathroom fixtures, then showering again. I am all grimy, but that goes with the territory, right?

I talked to Melissa yesterday. I thought she was avoiding me, but she called in the afternoon, and we caught up. We've both been so busy with teaching that time has disappeared. We plan to get together soon and celebrate our (belated) birthdays. I haven't even seen Maureen to celebrate her September birthday. This school year is definitely kicking my butt, but I feel good about all the positive things I am doing.

All of my laundry is done for the week, and I vacuumed the stairs. I have gathered several items for Justin, should he call to arrange a time to pick up the furniture, dishes, iron, and other items that I've set aside for him. I need to grade papers and practice my music for band tonight.

I think it is going to be a good month. I may go to my ten-year reunion or I will be hitting Germany (probably Cologne or Dusseldorf) for a few days around Thanksgiving. I would like to not travel alone, but if that's all I can get, I will take it. I just have to check the flights.

Jeremy and I discussed wedding plans today. We haven't officially set a date, but we have a few in mind. We want to get things set before telling people. Also, it will a TINY wedding, perhaps with immediate family and grandparents only. Melissa and Maureen are like family, and I would feel terrible if they weren't there. I have to work on what I want here. I told my (very simple and very classy) idea to Melissa, and she thought it would be perfect for me. I have a good place for this plan. The pictures would be beautiful, and it is centrally located. I hope I can make this happen!

Halloween

Halloween was tame this year. Students dressed up, but there was nothing really exciting going on at work. I came home, did a few chores, and then dozed on the couch. I have been quite sleepy lately. Jeremy came home from training and we ordered pizza. We didn't pass out candy. I didn't dress up in a costume.

Something just doesn't feel right, you know?

I will probably be going to a friend's party in Canton tomorrow after my performance. The goal is to get everyone drunk. I don't know that I will join in. I am such a party-pooper lately.

Class Tonight & Fatigue

I don't have my homework done for class tonight. I emailed my professor and asked for an extension, which she granted. I've had some technology problems lately, and my professor is really understanding.

It's my night to bring snacks to class. If I weren't bringing something I would simply call and say that I am ill. I am exhausted beyond belief right now. I still have a test, two handouts, and other stuff to create for tomorrow. I can't seem to get caught up. And I need to leave for class in about thirty minutes.

Tomorrow will not offer me any chance to sleep, unfortunately. I will be going to celebrate Mark's birthday with Jeremy after work. I need time. I need sleep. Maybe I am suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I just want to curl up with my cats and rest, but I know it wouldn't do any good. I'd wake feeling worse off than I feel now.

KazooKeylele!

Thank you, Joe, for finding this and sharing it with me!

RAW

I started writing a small scene that I hope works into a larger script I've been working on. I was listening to music on MySpace today (a typical Saturday routine), and one particular song struck me. I added it to my list and listened to its hauntingly sad words over and over until the scene became crystal clear in my mind.

I emoted. I allowed myself to become the person I saw in that scene. And then I wrote. My process is not unusual, but it strikes me each time that I must appear remarkably unstable on a daily basis. I sob at the losses that only occur within my mind. I respond to silent questions and watch the lifts in my face in the bathroom mirror as I am presented with true happiness and ultimate humor. I suffer the manipulations of those who do not exist, and I relive malleable painful moments that are no longer a concern or beyond my own understanding.

I also hear a soundtrack to all of these fictitious moments of my life. Sometimes the music leads the images. As I work with this script/story, I may share pieces. Just not now. It feels heavy and dark and raw. Part of me thinks it is better that way.

Friendships and Birthdays

I tend to put deeper posts here, although lately, I've been quite the blogger on MySpace. I turned 28 on Wednesday. Jeremy gave me running shoes and a DVD, and then he took me out to dinner. All-in-all, it was a nice birthday. It wasn't the best, but it definitely wasn't the worst. Since my 22nd, they had been getting progressively worse until last year. Mike and I walked around Ann Arbor in the rain, which is absolutely wonderful! This year, I was ill, but it was still a good day. Jeremy made sure that there were special treats in the fridge (chocolate with hazelnuts...mmm...and frosted cookies) and he took me where I wanted to go for dinner.

My immune system hasn't been up to par in the past month, and my birthday turned out to be the turning point in a cold that has been bothering me. With the mold content in the building where I teach, it's amazing that my body hasn't completely fallen to pieces. I was nearly over the cold, and then WHAM! - I lost my voice. I was fatigued and had started coughing those hearty, painful coughs that we all dread.

I continued to work, which forced my students to take on more responsibility. They were fine with that (I teach mostly honor students this year).

At home, I haven't been able to focus on grading or planning or homework. Chances are that I have been asleep whenever that time would have been available. Take today, for example. I worked, visited the Tailgate party right after work for Homecoming, then drove home and crashed until about midnight. I vaguely remember saying (wheezing, coughing, and whispering) bye to Jeremy before he left for work. I am unable to speak, although my coughing has subsided, for the most part. I expect to recover in the next two or three days. I woke up tonight thinking it was tomorrow and was quite surprised to see that it was dark outside. I felt cold, which is good, since the heat is not on, and I've been running a fever for a couple of days.

Mike sent me a message on my birthday. I was surprised to receive it, as we haven't spoken since August. I cried when I read it, but that was just a reaction to missing our friendship. He had been such a close friend for so long that I think I relied on him too much for support in all the woes of my life. He sent the message late at night, probably hoping that I'd find it the next day. He didn't directly say that he misses our friendship, but he told a short story that clearly implied it. That's just how we have always been - we tell stories that reveal so much more than we ever admit to thinking or feeling. Such is the nature of writers / musicians / English teachers. I know if the situation were reversed, I would have done the same thing. That is why we are such close friends. We are wired very much the same way, and I think he just knew that if he didn't contact me on my birthday, I would have written him off entirely. There are only a few times in a year when one can let go of whatever the issues are to simply wish someone else well.

I've been much more open with my emotions, so I thanked him for wishing me well. I also told him that I started to cry - not because he said anything upsetting or too sentimental but because I miss talking to him. I think Jeremy was a little upset that I had started to tear up. He doesn't have friendships as close as this - the closest he had was Ryan. And Ryan died last year, which is another reason I think Jeremy prefers "surface" friendships. He was not able to attend the funeral. He still has not gone to see Ryan's parents. Seeing them would make the loss real.


I've been spending more time with old friends. Joe and I have been hanging out more. It's great that we still have that connection we used to have. He opened up about some of his issues lately, which really speaks to how far we've come after all these years. I hate that things are not going the way he wants them to. I hate that there is nothing that can be done.

MK sent me a message to let me know he is out of prison again. While it is good that he is trying to start his life again, I really don't think that I want him around me. I understand he has "paid his debt", so to speak, but I don't want a moment of weakness in his life to turn into a lawsuit or anything for me. He has a huge laundry list of crimes that could easily be added to if his life doesn't go the way he wants.

Tim wants to chat with me about what's going on in his life, but I don't know that I am the best person to give advice. He flaked out the past couple of times, so I don't really want to make myself available now. I have a life, too, and I can't just sit around and deal with his problems. I have my own, despite my cheery disposition these last couple of months.