About Me

I noticed Joe had posted lists with random information about himself. Several other friends have been doing the same thing lately. I, too, have one. It's been saved as a draft for some time as I compiled more and more information that I felt I should share. I moved some things around to give the sense of continuity, although I am not sure how that really comes across in a list.

I'll start with fifty and see where that leads.


1. I am almost always day-dreaming. I prefer to live in the world inside my head, where second chances are possible and anger is never real or lasting.

2. I am glad that I attended self-defense workshop classes my first semester in college. I never thought that I would ever have to use the techniques we discussed and practiced.

3. I don't hate Jim for what he tried to do to me.

4. I understand what it is to feel alive.

5. I remember everything - how others looked at me, how I felt, how awful I was.

6. I miss my dog and still cry frequently over that loss.

7. My heart has been truly and completely broken twice. Both times, I allowed for it to be mended by the people who had broken it.

8. I don't like a lot of physical contact. On the other hand, I am openly affectionate with certain people with no problem.

9. I have become aware of some of my incredibly anti-social behaviors, as well as behaviors that my doctors (as a child) said could indicate a mild form of autism. I am not autistic. I just don't care to interact with people sometimes.

10. I understand why parents are afraid of the stigma of declaring learning disabilities and deficiencies.

11. I have serious trust and abandonment issues that stem from my childhood. I can pinpoint what I now believe to be the root of these issues, but I don't seek help. I will never seek help.

12. I started having depressing and a few random suicidal thoughts again within the last five months. While I wouldn't commit suicide, I fantasize about having some control over my passing.

13. I am becoming a much more devout Catholic. I had to experience pagan religions and shun the church for a while to get here.

14. I started praying again at night before I go to sleep.

15. I chickened out of sending in one of my secrets to PostSecret. I was afraid someone would know it was me.

16. When I look at electrical outlets, I always see faces in the design. I used to imagine they were screaming.

17. I miss going driving as an outing.

18. I love picnics, complete with the perfectly-prepared meals, basket, and Gingham blanket.

19. I still regret arguing during my audition for the school of music - I feel I should be a professional musician in a large, metropolitan-area orchestra.

20. I would write a lot more if I didn't feel like the future generations wouldn't appreciate good literature.

21. I have a difficult time hiding my attraction to people. I become giddy and laugh nervously.

22. I am considering quitting drinking altogether again.

23. I love hitting Ann Arbor with the Mikes.

24. I stopped collecting things and have accumulated more clutter than when I did collect things.

25. I miss being someone's muse. Some ex-boyfriends and some of my friends (both male and female) have said that I inspired stories, poetry, songs, screenplays, and art that they have created. How do I become that again...and for someone like my fiance, who is not really the creative type?

26. I regret not enjoying Florida more while living there. Being five miles from the ocean should have afforded so much more enjoyment.

27. In my quest to not be apathetic, I have become overly-empathetic and find it difficult to manage everyone's emotions.

28. I am fiercely independent and dislike when others "mess" up my living space, but I'd still prefer to have my fiance home every night.

29. In less than three years, I will be thirty. I need to re-examine my plan for my education, career, marriage, children, etc.

30. I can't wait until spring so that Mike V. and I can go drinking and stay out all night again in Ann Arbor.

31. I love going to libraries while drunk. I am a complete nerd.

32. I read into things too much.

33. I grieve the passing of the important moments of my life. I try to bargain with God to let me go back.

34. When I started driving, I paid around $1.19 per gallon of gas.

35. I don't have text messaging included in my phone plan. I've decided only some people are worth the $.15 per message.

36. I relive moments in my head...constantly.

37. I have imaginary conversations I want and need to have with my friends.

38. The year 2000 was, by far, the best and worst year of my life thus far.

39. Mike V. treated me to a Brian Vander Ark concert in Kalamazoo in 2006. While he was using the restroom, I wrote a note and left it in the CD jacket. He didn't find it for weeks.

40. I am a much more positive person than I used to be.

41. I don't own a coffee grinder.

42. I've resigned myself to the notion that if something were to happen, it would have happened by now.

43. I make up new card games that are designed for no one to win. They are single-player games.

44. I think my cats think that I am their real mother, especially when I wear my orange fleece jacket.

45. There are still boxes in my basement that haven't been unpacked. They contain teaching materials and electronics I think about using.

46. My favorite utensil is the spoon. And I actually have a favorite one in my silverware drawer.

47. I still crave cigarettes even though I haven't had one since I was fourteen or fifteen years old. I have smoked one cigar (at my sister's wedding).

48. I met one of my heros - Desmond Tutu - in 2005 while working at a hotel in Battle Creek, Michigan.

49. I usually hold grudges.

50. I am afraid of being alone, which explains why there have only been a handful of times when I wasn't in a relationship with someone within the past eleven years.

another week closer to summer break

I've begun to think about the closing of each week. I feel like a new teacher, always behind in my planning and grading (although the grading is far less taxing as I now teach German most of the day). I am stressed about many things going on in my building.

I think I will grade my students' quizzes and writing assignments tonight. I have no other plans, and it would be nice to spend my weekend doing other things, for once.

Not feeling quite so neurotic today.

I tend to look forward to Mondays. Today was very different. I knew going into it that it would be a tough day. I missed both Ryan's and my uncle Chuck's funerals because of contract issues with taking days off before and after vacations. Jeremy was unable to return from St. Louis for the funerals, as well.

I left work quickly today. I ended up going to dinner with Melissa - she called when I had just left my place in search of food (I had determined that I just didn't feel like cooking for myself). Mike hadn't called, so I figured he was busy with grad work or school stuff.

We had a nice meal in Canton. After returning home, I watched videos at ukuleledisco.com (one of my favorite sites). As I began to really wind down from the stress of the day, Mike called to, basically, apologize for not being able to meet for coffee as we have been doing on Mondays. He is just too busy with grad work and the end of the trimester at his school. I, of course, felt so proud of myself for knowing exactly what the hold-up was. Mike and I are so similarly wired that it would be damn near impossible to NOT know what is up with each other. I find it absolutely hilarious that while he was at a voice lesson tonight, I was singing scales and various songs, both with and without my uke.

He suggested we meet later this week or perhaps next week. That might be good. My friends could finally meet him. We've been good friends since 2000, and we've hung out both in the Kalamazoo area as well as all over the Detroit area, but most of my friends here have never met him. I swear he is not a figment of my imagination!

I spoke to Jeremy tonight. I miss him so much. I can't wait to see him this week (he'll be home for a couple of days). Perhaps our friends will all want to go out to the Rathskeller in the Heidelberg for a beer boot.

Ryan G.

Ryan G. is gone. One of Jeremy's best buds is dead. I still can't believe it. Jeremy is in shock, and the worst part is that I can't go and be with him tonight in St. Louis.

His girlfriend woke next to him this morning, and he was cold. How can a 28-year-old man die in his sleep when he is healthy?

I wonder if Jeremy is going to call Chris R. I don't think anyone else has his current contact information.

I want Jeremy to come home. Now.

I feel so bad for Ryan's parents. They are so warm and friendly. I can only imagine the devastation this causes.

This is Mike.

I totally stole this from his blog and embedded the code. I hope he doesn't mind. Exposure isn't a bad thing, right?

Now I just need to get video of Reeny singing. It would be nice to have both of my best friends represented here in proper musical form.



If only I could get someone to write songs about me. Nice ones, anyway.

Bowling, Band, and Billy Ray Cyrus

Thursday had some twists. I couldn't get my research assignment done before class, due to server problems at work. Lucky for me, class was canceled! I decided to join the English department from my school at the bowling alley, where we ate brownies (baked by Jessy) and cheese fries.

After spending an hour with my colleagues, I went home and got ready for band rehearsal. I left later than usual, and then I couldn't find a parking space for a while due to a Billy Ray Cyrus concert at the theater. I eventually made my way in and found the percussion equipment already set up! Bonus!!! Rehearsal went really well; Cyrus's roadies were really nice when I was having issues with doors and percussion equipment during take-down. They struck up a conversation and held doors for me and such. It was pleasant.

I didn't get to say anything to BRC, not that I wanted to or anything - I am not a fan, but it was cool that I am surrounded by people who love the art of performance whenever I go to the theater. Sometimes we mingle with drama groups, other times musicians. It feels good being there, like my life somehow makes sense while I am there.

quiet evenings in

There is a lot to be said for going out and having a good time. Mike and I had an awesome time at Alexie's book tour event. Tonight, though, I am enjoying the tranquility of my home - the cats are sleeping, Jeremy is away at training, the TV is off, and I have completed all of my grading and such for a couple of days. I am sipping mocha with Buttershots.

Everything feels right with the world - I haven't been able to say that in quite some time. I am just concerned because I was only able to achieve this feeling with a little bit of alcohol. I guess that goes back to the comment James responded to a long time ago - that the notion of improving oneself with the aid of alcohol is somewhat different from the norm. Or something like that. I am too lazy to check. Your words did resonate and I've pondered them many times since then, James.

I am now considering making a chocolate mousse cake - the real deal, not the store-bought crap that is fluffy. I will be making one (or two) in December for Christmas - I believe it is now expected when I arrive at Jeremy's relatives' holiday gathering. It was a hit last year, to say the least. I just don't think I should make one now. That stuff is about 400 calories per tiny slice. Perhaps I will just stick to my butterscotch schnapps and cuddle with my cats.

Postsecret and such

Sunday is postsecret day. I usually wake early and look at all the postcards people have sent in. Today, I didn't remember to check until much later. I was busy typing my paper.

I marvel at the baring of souls, while also wondering if some people send in secrets that are complete fabrications just to shock Frank and get posted online.

Should secrets be purged? Or should people be taught to use some discretion and keep some things private?

my paper is done!

I finished writing this morning and submitted my paper electronically. I have found myself so far behind in everything lately. I think this weekend finally provided time to rest AND get back on track.

behind schedule, but definitely on track

Jeremy and I cleaned several rooms today. We didn't get to everything, but at least we made a dent. My paper is half done. I already have my information for my last half, so I am doing well. I will work on it tomorrow morning and email it to my professor in the afternoon. I then will work on lesson plans for the next two weeks.

Jeremy and I went out to dinner, which was really nice. I think he really got the message that we need to change our habits - blogs and emails from friends can be just the ticket sometimes. He is currently asleep on the couch while I try to get laundry done while working on my paper. All-in-all, this has been a very nice weekend. We've needed one of these for some time.

Just finding time to look into those green eyes of his makes life feel easier.

progress

While I have yet to tackle all of my paper that I need to send in to my professor today, Jeremy and I are cleaning. Well, actually, he is currently making me waffles for breakfast.

Last night, he read a message from a friend and my blog. We finally had a meaningful discussion about our relationship. I think life is going to get better. He even wants to run something by me, but noticed that I am posting something. He said it can wait until I am done. I don't think he knows how much that means to me that he is acknowledging that I have things I want and need to do.

Step one complete.

Hazel

On Monday, I learned that my best guy friend's eyes are hazel (I had thought they were brown). We have been incredibly close friends since 2000, and yet, I didn't know his eye color. What kind of crappy-ass friend am I?

His eyes looked very green, and I had asked if he was wearing color contacts. When he said no, I felt like the biggest dumb-ass ever! His eyes have just never looked so green before - perhaps it was the lighting in the store.

just talking can be nice

Work went really well today. I wore my Burger King costume, which made me quite happy. I had meetings in the afternoon that were a complete waste of time, but it was still a decent day. I took a series of naps after returning home. Jeremy called several times, and we had really short, yet nice, conversations. I think I had forgotten how nice it can be to just talk to him. He may come back for the weekend. I've learned not to get my hopes up when he is away at training, though.

I worked on my paper, and then turned on the TV to watch Ghost Hunters. I think I watch the show because I want to believe that there is something after physical death.

Primo Coffee

The workday progressed without incident. I was eager to leave, although I knew I'd be sitting at home - waiting for Mike to call. I had almost given up on the possibility of hanging out in Ann Arbor when I heard my phone sing its little tune.

Mike and I met for dinner at B.D.'s and then perused some used CDs at some little shop that Mike and I never seem to reach before closing time. After Mike made his ever-growing purchase, we visited a small coffee shop and graded papers. I worked on my essay, which hasn't really amounted to much, but it has a solid start. I need to sit down and create a detailed outline (as formulaic as that is).

I was doing some deconstruction of the text when Mike handed me a paper - one of his students had shared his inner torment, and I sort of brushed it aside. The whole exercise seemed artificial, as my mind was wrapped around the theories of deconstruction. I instantly felt sick to my stomach that I had not really taken it seriously. I am worried that Mike thinks I am insensitive. I would not have treated my own students' writing that way, and I regret my reaction.

Jeremy called to tell me he loves me and misses me. It's nice to know that even though he is several states away, he does think about me periodically throughout the day. That sounds so much like a textbook. Ugh.

I am waiting to hear from Noah to learn if he will meet me in Ann Arbor this weekend. While I understand Jeremy does not like Noah, I have never asked him to not hang out with any of his friends - even the ones I dislike (both male and female). All I ask is that he not bring them to my home, which he doesn't. I understand that he doesn't like or trust Noah. He is not afraid that Noah will force himself on me or anything - he is simply afraid that Noah might flirt with me or try to kiss me. Noah has been a pretty decent friend over the years. Jeremy should feel confident that I will not let anything inappropriate happen. Jeremy and I even discussed hanging out with our different groups of friends this weekend and meeting up at the end of the night. He seemed to embrace that idea a bit more.

Saturday's Lament

Jeremy woke me up early and we talked about what's been going wrong lately. He decided that he will most likely return home every weekend during training. I had already made plans for next weekend to hang out with Noah, and I think Jeremy just wants to prevent that scenario. It's not that anything will happen with Noah...we'll drink...we'll dance...he may even flirt with me. Hell, he might even bring his on-and-off-again girlfriend to hang out, too.

Jeremy just doesn't want me to spend any time with Noah. Jeremy knows that I am concerned about our relationship, so he probably is trying to keep me from spending a lot of time with my guy friends. He doesn't say he is really worried about me wanting to date Noah, but he has told me he is afraid that I might leave him for Mike.

anger

So, I've had an extremely stressful week and all I want to do is take a nap and then finish grading my students' papers tonight. I have a grad paper due early next week, and I haven't been able to finish reading the theory or the novel.

I drive home, eager to escape the nightmare that is teaching, and Jeremy has a buddy over. Did he clean anything? Did he do his laundry? Did he even clear a spot for me to work? No. Typical.

I can't even view an educational DVD I may use with my students because he and his friend are playing video games. They want me to drive them to the Heidelberg in Ann Arbor later tonight, when all I want to do is get something...anything done.

I think we might have our house guest until tomorrow, and his fiancee is driving out tonight. What the hell!?! How fucking inconsiderate!

This weekend, I have to complete report card grades, read literary theory, read a novel, write a 6-page paper, make lesson plans (including one formal one for my evaluation on Tuesday), set up for my concert, perform on Sunday, get some wedding planning done, clean EVERYTHING!, write letters to parents to explain some of the grading policy changes my school will adopt, and a variety of other things. Jeremy is also leaving on Sunday for three weeks, so I know he expects me to spend time with him.


Perhaps I will just take off with my uke. It feels like one of those days. I really just want to bash in his skull with it, but then I'd have to buy a new ukulele.

Another lonely night

Jeremy is at work again tonight.

I am, once again, avoiding my homework and grading. I need to get everything done by tomorrow so that I can give progress reports and such. I just stopped caring for the day.

My boss wasn't able to observe in my classroom today, so I have to reschedule.

Joe brightened my day today. It was nice to learn that he also looks back on our moments together and just enjoys the memories. I think we all had good times, you know, before life became so complicated.

strumming my little ukulele

I had big plans for myself upon my return home. Instead of conquering the world, I decided to play the ukulele and sing.

A list of some things I have avoided doing today:

1. grading tests for German
2. entering grades and printed progress reports for my students
3. typing a test I plan to give tomorrow (I think multiple choice may be the way to go!)
4. laundry
5. dishes
6. making dinner (we bought subs instead)
7. cleaning my kitchen
8. calling the place where we want to get married
9. exercising
10. homework for grad school

Postsecret

I've decided to send in my secret.

never

I will never be as happy as you are in your photographs.