One week to go before I turn thirty. A few people have asked me if I am excited or sad. Mostly, I feel indifferent. I had thought that I would plan some big party or night out to celebrate, but it really doesn't seem necessary at this point. I don't really care, and I know others don't really care, either.
J called to ask what my plans are. I told him I had planned to hang out with friends. He wanted me to cancel my plans and spend my birthday with him. He thought I was choosing one person, in particular, over him because of past events. I explained that I know he isn't too fond of many of my friends because they are people who are truly comfortable with themselves - something he is not - and my old group of friends is a unique band of misfits who march to the beat of a very different drummer. Part of me wanted to give in and spend my birthday with J, but another part wanted to be regarded as independent and acting on my own accord.
At this point, I could go out with people or just sit alone at home. I honestly don't care. "C" asked when my birthday is, and I told him he should look at my profile and show some interest. He commented, playfully - but not completely playfully, that he'd already lost interest by the time I finished that statement. It's an awful thing to say to someone you have been seeing. Perhaps I should just stop interacting with him altogether. It might just boost my self esteem.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
MA Project
I am not motivated to complete my project for my MA. This is the final step for graduation and a pay raise at work. I think I am not very motivated because we all had to accept last year's pay and I am not earning what my colleagues in other districts are earning. It's difficult to want to do more work to not have it be reflected in my pay immediately.
I think I shall force myself to complete my annotated bibliography tonight. I need to get moving on something.
I think I shall force myself to complete my annotated bibliography tonight. I need to get moving on something.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
New classes
My teaching schedule was revised yesterday. I now have German 1, two sections of Honors English 9, and two sections of regular English 9. Overall, I think I will feel much happier and less stressed. The four different preps were overwhelming, especially since one of them consisted of created individual (daily) lesson plans for each the 22 students in that class.
I washed my car today. It had been quite some time since I last washed it, and I've been driving on dirt roads a bit lately to avoid some of the most annoying traffic pile-ups around here. I have finally started to organize student work into manageable piles. I have no intention of grading work tonight, but I am ready to hit the ground running tomorrow before my staff meeting at 6:40 a.m.
I washed my car today. It had been quite some time since I last washed it, and I've been driving on dirt roads a bit lately to avoid some of the most annoying traffic pile-ups around here. I have finally started to organize student work into manageable piles. I have no intention of grading work tonight, but I am ready to hit the ground running tomorrow before my staff meeting at 6:40 a.m.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
What Doesn't Feel Right
I miss him. I miss him when I wake up. I miss him when I can't share my day with him. I miss him when I'm climbing into bed. I even miss him when I'm sleeping.
And something I learned today...he misses me, too, in all of these same moments.
It both pleases me and saddens me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if there is anywhere to go. I thought I was making the right choice before, but it doesn't feel right anymore.
And something I learned today...he misses me, too, in all of these same moments.
It both pleases me and saddens me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if there is anywhere to go. I thought I was making the right choice before, but it doesn't feel right anymore.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
ONE
A cold has invaded the life I wanted to live this weekend. At the same time, I am pleased that I was forced to rest the way I needed to rest. I've been stressed, and that has allowed negative thoughts to take over from time to time. I keep experiencing those less-than-stellar moments in the form of depression, weariness, and a general dissatisfaction with the current circumstances of my life. This probably doesn't sound all that different from what people may remember of me the last time we hung out. Truth be told, I spent several years feeling very much like I feel in this exact moment.
It's unwelcome now. I had one of those shifts in thinking that most people try to have. I've been happier. I've accepted some of the situations I cannot change and changed the ones I can. The trouble is that in this moment right now, I lack positive coping skills. I feel unhappy, unhealthy (I have a nasal infection), and completely worthless.
The friends I returned to when I moved back to southeast Michigan really aren't there. Sure, Melissa is still around, but she is married now and is making sure to build a solid union. Maureen and I no longer speak. I feel used because she put me through hell just being in her wedding and then she cut me out of her life afterward. While she recognized that we had grown apart, she failed to see that she was absolutely terrible with her demands (many brides are blind to their attitudes). When I wouldn't comply with everything, she painted me as a troublesome bridesmaid and must have chalked it up to stinginess...never acknowledging that I contributed a great deal of money (dress, shoes, bridal shower gift (several items), bachelorette party payment ($150), bachelorette party gift (check), wedding gift (a check), and I was present for everything I could be that didn't conflict with school or work (I became evil, I guess, when she had wanted me to skip a class one evening for one of her bridal gown fittings). I know brides get crazy and fail to see that what they are preparing for is a special day and life with their spouses, but I thought she had more sense than that. She did make the remark that it was her day on more than one occasion. I suppose I didn't want to see how selfish everyone else had told me she was since we were young. When her aunt was rude to me, I told her about it. Instead of jumping to my defense, I had to try to explain it to her again. She initially wanted me to just take it because she has to put up with her aunt after the entire event is over. I have never let my relatives (including one of my own aunts) treat someone I care about in such a manner. She did eventually fight that battle because she must have realized that something wrong had occurred.
I attended her barbeque (that I had been invited to). I was as pleasant as I could be with a recent injury and excruciating pain. I tried to strike up conversation, but she was cold and gave me the silent treatment for most of the visit. Had I known that she just wanted to be rude to me like that, especially in front of others, I would not have wasted the gas to drive there. I was hurt and angry by the time I left.
After that event and without discussion, she removed me from her list of friends on Facebook. I later received a book she had borrowed and a frame to replace the one her friend had stolen from me at her wedding. Yes, her friend. I don't want to say who, but I saw this woman take it from my collection of items as I was preparing to leave the wedding reception. The enclosed letter placed blame on me and stated a polite good-bye.
I suppose it should be a relief, but it's one of those situations that I wanted to resolve before we parted ways. I didn't get the opportunity to resolve anything with an old friend Mike a couple of years ago, either, but that was an entirely different scenario. Mike and I were instantly close friends in college. The rules we had for almost every other person did not apply to each other, and he and I became close very quickly. He was rational but fun.
The last several months of the friendship were strained. We would be closer then distant...closer then distant. We started to not see eye-to-eye, and there was this building tension and irritation that we couldn't quite understand. He walked out of my life by sending me an email that sounds suspiciously like one of his songs. I still miss him. He failed to see I was in distress even when I told him I was in distress. He didn't know how to deal with it. He just saw an opportunity to not deal with me anymore.
I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. I fucked up any possible relationship with Tony. I caught someone else's attention, but the whole thing would be fucked up, so why truly bother with it? Someone else keeps asking me out, and I am not interested. I am trying really hard not to dash his little heart into pieces, but I feel like doing just that so that people will leave me the fuck alone so I can lick my wounds in peace.
I feel like I hate everything today. Only one person has really asked me how I am doing this week. ONE. I am miserable.
I think I am going to stop being the person everyone else comes to for help. They can all go fuck themselves. They offer me nothing in return, even in the rare moment I need something.
It's unwelcome now. I had one of those shifts in thinking that most people try to have. I've been happier. I've accepted some of the situations I cannot change and changed the ones I can. The trouble is that in this moment right now, I lack positive coping skills. I feel unhappy, unhealthy (I have a nasal infection), and completely worthless.
The friends I returned to when I moved back to southeast Michigan really aren't there. Sure, Melissa is still around, but she is married now and is making sure to build a solid union. Maureen and I no longer speak. I feel used because she put me through hell just being in her wedding and then she cut me out of her life afterward. While she recognized that we had grown apart, she failed to see that she was absolutely terrible with her demands (many brides are blind to their attitudes). When I wouldn't comply with everything, she painted me as a troublesome bridesmaid and must have chalked it up to stinginess...never acknowledging that I contributed a great deal of money (dress, shoes, bridal shower gift (several items), bachelorette party payment ($150), bachelorette party gift (check), wedding gift (a check), and I was present for everything I could be that didn't conflict with school or work (I became evil, I guess, when she had wanted me to skip a class one evening for one of her bridal gown fittings). I know brides get crazy and fail to see that what they are preparing for is a special day and life with their spouses, but I thought she had more sense than that. She did make the remark that it was her day on more than one occasion. I suppose I didn't want to see how selfish everyone else had told me she was since we were young. When her aunt was rude to me, I told her about it. Instead of jumping to my defense, I had to try to explain it to her again. She initially wanted me to just take it because she has to put up with her aunt after the entire event is over. I have never let my relatives (including one of my own aunts) treat someone I care about in such a manner. She did eventually fight that battle because she must have realized that something wrong had occurred.
I attended her barbeque (that I had been invited to). I was as pleasant as I could be with a recent injury and excruciating pain. I tried to strike up conversation, but she was cold and gave me the silent treatment for most of the visit. Had I known that she just wanted to be rude to me like that, especially in front of others, I would not have wasted the gas to drive there. I was hurt and angry by the time I left.
After that event and without discussion, she removed me from her list of friends on Facebook. I later received a book she had borrowed and a frame to replace the one her friend had stolen from me at her wedding. Yes, her friend. I don't want to say who, but I saw this woman take it from my collection of items as I was preparing to leave the wedding reception. The enclosed letter placed blame on me and stated a polite good-bye.
I suppose it should be a relief, but it's one of those situations that I wanted to resolve before we parted ways. I didn't get the opportunity to resolve anything with an old friend Mike a couple of years ago, either, but that was an entirely different scenario. Mike and I were instantly close friends in college. The rules we had for almost every other person did not apply to each other, and he and I became close very quickly. He was rational but fun.
The last several months of the friendship were strained. We would be closer then distant...closer then distant. We started to not see eye-to-eye, and there was this building tension and irritation that we couldn't quite understand. He walked out of my life by sending me an email that sounds suspiciously like one of his songs. I still miss him. He failed to see I was in distress even when I told him I was in distress. He didn't know how to deal with it. He just saw an opportunity to not deal with me anymore.
I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. I fucked up any possible relationship with Tony. I caught someone else's attention, but the whole thing would be fucked up, so why truly bother with it? Someone else keeps asking me out, and I am not interested. I am trying really hard not to dash his little heart into pieces, but I feel like doing just that so that people will leave me the fuck alone so I can lick my wounds in peace.
I feel like I hate everything today. Only one person has really asked me how I am doing this week. ONE. I am miserable.
I think I am going to stop being the person everyone else comes to for help. They can all go fuck themselves. They offer me nothing in return, even in the rare moment I need something.
fireplace
I want one day to burn all of my bad memories in my fireplace.
Every extra helping of junk food.
Every insult or curse from a student.
Every moment I felt I wasn't good enough.
Every chance I had to make other people happy and didn't.
Every time I felt conflicted and settled on nothing.
Every time I was quick to anger.
Every time I didn't measure up to someone's high expectations of me.
Every instance in which I failed my own tests.
Every dirty look..
or passing judgment...
or rude remark from people who don't care enough to ask.
Every extra box of stuff I truly don't need but won't part with.
All of my baggage.
Each of my missed chances that would have lead to a happy adulthood.
Every moment of feeling stupid.
Every moment of knowing more than others and not being able to convince them of the truth.
Every moment I didn't feel what I was supposed to feel.
Every moment I felt something and said nothing.
Giving up on people.
Believing in the wrong people.
Being lazy.
Lacking true compassion when others needed for me to understand and support.
Every extra helping of junk food.
Every insult or curse from a student.
Every moment I felt I wasn't good enough.
Every chance I had to make other people happy and didn't.
Every time I felt conflicted and settled on nothing.
Every time I was quick to anger.
Every time I didn't measure up to someone's high expectations of me.
Every instance in which I failed my own tests.
Every dirty look..
or passing judgment...
or rude remark from people who don't care enough to ask.
Every extra box of stuff I truly don't need but won't part with.
All of my baggage.
Each of my missed chances that would have lead to a happy adulthood.
Every moment of feeling stupid.
Every moment of knowing more than others and not being able to convince them of the truth.
Every moment I didn't feel what I was supposed to feel.
Every moment I felt something and said nothing.
Giving up on people.
Believing in the wrong people.
Being lazy.
Lacking true compassion when others needed for me to understand and support.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Foot massage, please.
The start of this school has been stressful. The kids have been wonderful up to this point, but that may change soon. We are about to (as stupid as this is) change schedules to accommodate more teachers being added to the schools. This is great to lower class numbers, but I feel as though I am already accustomed to the hordes of students who enter my room each hour. I'd rather keep things the way they are, but I certainly can understand the plight of other teachers who may have over forty students per class.
I have yet to grade a number of items for students. I am exhausted by the end of the work day, and whenever I am able, I take a nap. My body is not getting enough rest at night, unfortunately. Waking at five seems to go against nature, as the sun is not even considering rising at that hour.
I stopped by the grocery store today after work. I bought (Strawberry Acai) Smirnoff Ice - a rarity for me. I rarely drink, but part of me was craving something sweet and alcoholic. I had one with dinner and opened another only to fall asleep on the couch for several hours. I was surprised. When I awoke in the dark living room, I was disoriented and felt mild kidney pain. I followed up with water, but it might be a long night for me. It seems a strong lesson for something so minor.
It's an even stronger lesson on the budget front. I had actually only visited the store to replace make-up I had dropped and broken on my bathroom floor this morning. I realized I was doomed when I couldn't resist the watermelon I passed as I entered the store. Then it was on to apples, carrots, and fancy bread. I bought pudding...another out-of-character selection. I was buying walnuts and pecans from the baking aisle, and there it was...cotton candy flavored pudding. It was on sale, too, so how could I resist? It turns out that it's really not that impressive. Boo, Kroger, boo!
I didn't grade anything I had set out to grade. I'm not complaining; I did get an evening to sleep. I just don't know how to stop feeling so behind with work.
I have yet to grade a number of items for students. I am exhausted by the end of the work day, and whenever I am able, I take a nap. My body is not getting enough rest at night, unfortunately. Waking at five seems to go against nature, as the sun is not even considering rising at that hour.
I stopped by the grocery store today after work. I bought (Strawberry Acai) Smirnoff Ice - a rarity for me. I rarely drink, but part of me was craving something sweet and alcoholic. I had one with dinner and opened another only to fall asleep on the couch for several hours. I was surprised. When I awoke in the dark living room, I was disoriented and felt mild kidney pain. I followed up with water, but it might be a long night for me. It seems a strong lesson for something so minor.
It's an even stronger lesson on the budget front. I had actually only visited the store to replace make-up I had dropped and broken on my bathroom floor this morning. I realized I was doomed when I couldn't resist the watermelon I passed as I entered the store. Then it was on to apples, carrots, and fancy bread. I bought pudding...another out-of-character selection. I was buying walnuts and pecans from the baking aisle, and there it was...cotton candy flavored pudding. It was on sale, too, so how could I resist? It turns out that it's really not that impressive. Boo, Kroger, boo!
I didn't grade anything I had set out to grade. I'm not complaining; I did get an evening to sleep. I just don't know how to stop feeling so behind with work.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Fall
I refuse to keep trying to pursue the different men in my life. I'm done.
I may still take the phone calls, but I am not opening myself up to further heartache and misunderstandings. I may still choose to hang out with these people, but I am really bothered by the fact that they appear to believe that women should pursue men and that they have no responsibility in this.
If someone wants to establish a connection with me that takes place outside of the bedroom or late night drinking binges or beyond having me pay for absolutely everything (and having me drive all the miles to get together), then perhaps I will consider being a part of that. Until then, I am going to focus on my responsibilities for work and all the fun stuff.
This fall:
I am teaching English 9 - Credit Recovery, English (Honors) 9, English 11, and German 1. It's going to be stressful, but I am going to think about it as though it's a challenge that will showcase my talent as an educator.
I am still going to be a very active participant in band (both as a musician and as a publicist).
I am assisting another community band with a performance this month, so I have extra rehearsal nights.
The ukulele group meets once a month, and I have decided that I will make a better effort to supply music and show up regularly.
I am seriously considering a ballroom dance class offered in a nearby town on Wednesday nights (beginning this week). I need the physical activity, and I hope this will bring about a new friend base that will allow me to move on from those people who have made it clear, through words and/or actions that they do not value me. If nothing else, though, I will learn some new moves.
I am going to do more photography when the mood strikes - probably at farmer's markets and all kinds of fall festivals.
I plan to travel more (now that I don't feel so afraid of the world). I want to take road trips with friends. I want to go alone. I want to feel as though I can just decide on a whim to take on a new adventure.
Another friend and I are seriously considering teaching in Europe next year. I have found some useful information, and I think we might be able to do it. I just need to set this in motion now. If I decide to not do it, that is completely my choice; I don't know what the circumstances of my life might be in one year.
I am already writing more, which is the direction I want to go.
I turn 30 in October. I am trying to decide what I want to do so that I can invite friends. By the weekend, I should have a solid idea. I already bought a dress for myself. It feels like the kind of birthday that I need to dress up. If no one can come, I suppose that's fine. I will just go to my favorite place in Ann Arbor and soak in the evening. I do think that M will come. This would be a good chance for him to meet new people since he doesn't know a lot of people here. Maybe Mike A., although he did mention he'd be out of town the following day. Maybe some other friends need a nice night out.
I will go to a cider mill this year, probably the Franklin Cider Mill. It was a childhood tradition that returned a few years ago when a family friend came back to Michigan to visit. He could not have been happier to go there. I have continued to go there, partly because it's nice to keep such traditions alive and partly because I feel like I can reconnect with the child I used to be.
I may still take the phone calls, but I am not opening myself up to further heartache and misunderstandings. I may still choose to hang out with these people, but I am really bothered by the fact that they appear to believe that women should pursue men and that they have no responsibility in this.
If someone wants to establish a connection with me that takes place outside of the bedroom or late night drinking binges or beyond having me pay for absolutely everything (and having me drive all the miles to get together), then perhaps I will consider being a part of that. Until then, I am going to focus on my responsibilities for work and all the fun stuff.
This fall:
I am teaching English 9 - Credit Recovery, English (Honors) 9, English 11, and German 1. It's going to be stressful, but I am going to think about it as though it's a challenge that will showcase my talent as an educator.
I am still going to be a very active participant in band (both as a musician and as a publicist).
I am assisting another community band with a performance this month, so I have extra rehearsal nights.
The ukulele group meets once a month, and I have decided that I will make a better effort to supply music and show up regularly.
I am seriously considering a ballroom dance class offered in a nearby town on Wednesday nights (beginning this week). I need the physical activity, and I hope this will bring about a new friend base that will allow me to move on from those people who have made it clear, through words and/or actions that they do not value me. If nothing else, though, I will learn some new moves.
I am going to do more photography when the mood strikes - probably at farmer's markets and all kinds of fall festivals.
I plan to travel more (now that I don't feel so afraid of the world). I want to take road trips with friends. I want to go alone. I want to feel as though I can just decide on a whim to take on a new adventure.
Another friend and I are seriously considering teaching in Europe next year. I have found some useful information, and I think we might be able to do it. I just need to set this in motion now. If I decide to not do it, that is completely my choice; I don't know what the circumstances of my life might be in one year.
I am already writing more, which is the direction I want to go.
I turn 30 in October. I am trying to decide what I want to do so that I can invite friends. By the weekend, I should have a solid idea. I already bought a dress for myself. It feels like the kind of birthday that I need to dress up. If no one can come, I suppose that's fine. I will just go to my favorite place in Ann Arbor and soak in the evening. I do think that M will come. This would be a good chance for him to meet new people since he doesn't know a lot of people here. Maybe Mike A., although he did mention he'd be out of town the following day. Maybe some other friends need a nice night out.
I will go to a cider mill this year, probably the Franklin Cider Mill. It was a childhood tradition that returned a few years ago when a family friend came back to Michigan to visit. He could not have been happier to go there. I have continued to go there, partly because it's nice to keep such traditions alive and partly because I feel like I can reconnect with the child I used to be.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Kathy
My friend Kathy lost her mom this morning. I feel so sad for her. I wish I knew what to say to people in those moments. I express my condolences, etc., but it just seems too small an effort.
Her mom had borrowed her vehicle (a Jeep that Kathy has claimed on many occasions is the unluckiest Jeep in the world). She ended up hitting a tree and was going through bouts of surgery. Unfortunately, she did not regain consciousness after her surgery. Earlier this week, Kathy said that it was going to be a long road until she recovered, but her progress looked promising.
Her mom had borrowed her vehicle (a Jeep that Kathy has claimed on many occasions is the unluckiest Jeep in the world). She ended up hitting a tree and was going through bouts of surgery. Unfortunately, she did not regain consciousness after her surgery. Earlier this week, Kathy said that it was going to be a long road until she recovered, but her progress looked promising.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Rediscovered!
I have found so many things I thought that I had lost for good today, among them a necklace from Iran (from family friends), teaching materials, and a high school friend's music (recorded on audio cassette).
I found my nice diamond earrings yesterday while digging through a drawer in my living room.
I found gifts from former students who wanted to help build the cultural component of my German classroom years back.
So many things are returning to me. It makes me re-evaluate circumstances in my life.
The music was a great find. The friend was a musician through-and-through. He has always had this undeniable natural talent, and unfortunately, that has fallen by the wayside over the years. He didn't even have a recording of these two particular pieces (they are not songs as they have no lyrics). I found an old Sony radio with a cassette deck and played them. It took me back. After learning that the music tape was still of good quality, I recorded the music on my iPhone and emailed him the files (he, randomly enough, was online when I was online - a rare occurrence).
Sometimes the universe lines up and lets us have those moments and objects that serve to reconnect us.
I found my nice diamond earrings yesterday while digging through a drawer in my living room.
I found gifts from former students who wanted to help build the cultural component of my German classroom years back.
So many things are returning to me. It makes me re-evaluate circumstances in my life.
The music was a great find. The friend was a musician through-and-through. He has always had this undeniable natural talent, and unfortunately, that has fallen by the wayside over the years. He didn't even have a recording of these two particular pieces (they are not songs as they have no lyrics). I found an old Sony radio with a cassette deck and played them. It took me back. After learning that the music tape was still of good quality, I recorded the music on my iPhone and emailed him the files (he, randomly enough, was online when I was online - a rare occurrence).
Sometimes the universe lines up and lets us have those moments and objects that serve to reconnect us.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Chipped away
All those pieces of myself that either I or J chipped away (through intentional or unintentional means) are starting to return.
I am writing every day now, even if it is only a short piece here and there. I play the ukulele daily. I think about poetry and storytelling and all the things I want to do to help others embrace what it means to be a creative person.
I am feeling ambitious and driven again. I rarely feel like sitting on the sidelines.
I feel political and have enjoyed a few rallies over the past several months.
I am working on a few home improvement projects that my uncle is still not aware of. That's fine, though, because I am improving this run-down place.
I am communicating my feelings instead of letting them control me and lead me to food.
I have taken it upon myself to visit several doctors. I still have more who I need to see, but I am doing much better.
I am making new friends.
I am moving on from old friends and old irritations.
I am trying to come up with a plan to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
I am learning more about myself and how I deal with men.
---------------------------------------------------------
I called C today to let him know that his phone dialed me last night. It happens frequently when his phone is in his pocket. We joke and say either his ass misses me or his pocket called. We had a short conversation while he walked around a store. He seems to understand how my routine will drastically change and how I've been trying to prepare for it. We'll probably return to the 4 a.m. phone calls like I used to receive last year when he was just trying to keep in touch.
I still consider it a little weird to be in a flirtatious situation with him. We didn't always get along. In fact, I was convinced that he hated me when we were younger. High school didn't really create a strong bond between us, either. I suppose it was going our separate ways and reconnecting through a mutual friend that made us realize that we both probably missed out on a good friend in the past. He has turned out to be that, many times over. As far as something more, who knows? Time will tell.
We're not even comfortable telling our mutual friends that something is kind of going on, mainly because we don't want input from others. It feels like sneaking around, but it also feels like something that is specifically ours if we want it. There is one mutual friend who knows, though, but she is one of the most supportive people I have ever known. She listens without judgment. I'm not sure if C is aware that she knows just about everything there is to know on the subject, but I am aware that he has mentioned something to her, as well. If things work out, then I'm certain I will share that. If not, I don't have to deal with people speculating on the whole thing. No one else really needs to know.
I am writing every day now, even if it is only a short piece here and there. I play the ukulele daily. I think about poetry and storytelling and all the things I want to do to help others embrace what it means to be a creative person.
I am feeling ambitious and driven again. I rarely feel like sitting on the sidelines.
I feel political and have enjoyed a few rallies over the past several months.
I am working on a few home improvement projects that my uncle is still not aware of. That's fine, though, because I am improving this run-down place.
I am communicating my feelings instead of letting them control me and lead me to food.
I have taken it upon myself to visit several doctors. I still have more who I need to see, but I am doing much better.
I am making new friends.
I am moving on from old friends and old irritations.
I am trying to come up with a plan to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
I am learning more about myself and how I deal with men.
---------------------------------------------------------
I called C today to let him know that his phone dialed me last night. It happens frequently when his phone is in his pocket. We joke and say either his ass misses me or his pocket called. We had a short conversation while he walked around a store. He seems to understand how my routine will drastically change and how I've been trying to prepare for it. We'll probably return to the 4 a.m. phone calls like I used to receive last year when he was just trying to keep in touch.
I still consider it a little weird to be in a flirtatious situation with him. We didn't always get along. In fact, I was convinced that he hated me when we were younger. High school didn't really create a strong bond between us, either. I suppose it was going our separate ways and reconnecting through a mutual friend that made us realize that we both probably missed out on a good friend in the past. He has turned out to be that, many times over. As far as something more, who knows? Time will tell.
We're not even comfortable telling our mutual friends that something is kind of going on, mainly because we don't want input from others. It feels like sneaking around, but it also feels like something that is specifically ours if we want it. There is one mutual friend who knows, though, but she is one of the most supportive people I have ever known. She listens without judgment. I'm not sure if C is aware that she knows just about everything there is to know on the subject, but I am aware that he has mentioned something to her, as well. If things work out, then I'm certain I will share that. If not, I don't have to deal with people speculating on the whole thing. No one else really needs to know.
The Saga Continues
I still see J from time to time. As he gets his weight and life under control again, I see more and more of the person he used to be. He speaks to me the way he used to. He works toward goals he seemed to have forgotten. He makes jokes and lives life to the fullest. I was hoping he'd make a return visit a long time ago, but life and circumstances get in the way. Who knows what I am supposed to do with the knowledge of his return!?!
A is getting set for some new directions in his life, which means change. He quit smoking in the spring/early summer. He's doing great with that. He seems to have adjusted without any major issue, which seems absolutely crazy because he's been a smoker for over fifteen years. He's attending college for the first time this fall, which I think scares and excites him. We hang out from time to time, but it's always stilted and tense until we are alone. We fight the attraction for a while, and then it's there, overpowering both of us. We kiss and then start a frustrating round of explaining our way out of the situation.
The most recent addition to this mess I created will be referred to as C. He and I haven't seen much of each other this summer. It started out strong. It started out with lots of excitement, but I think he was hoping that I would let sex be an option in a casual dating scenario. I thought he knew me better than that. Or perhaps he though he could be the one to change me. I can't be certain. We've had several rounds of tense arguments, not speaking for several days here and there. This week, he told me he met someone who he wanted to date. I thought he had called things off with me. I was hurt, but it was fine. Then he called me the following night get together. We still aren't being clear with each other. I don't know what to make of this situation that we are both irritated by but won't leave alone. We could go back to being friends. That would be fine, but it doesn't seem to be shifting back the way I thought it would. At this point, C is all you get. It is not in reference to his name, although one of you out there knows all about this C.
An old friend has been asking me a lot about my Saturday nights. Since the spring, he has asked for eight different nights. It didn't dawn on me that this could be a pseudo-romantic thing. I wasn't able to go because of my schedule, but now I just want to avoid the whole thing. I do not see him that way, and although he has not expressed any clear and direct interest in dating, the warning signs are there.
A new friend and I have been getting to know each other. M doesn't have a lot of friends in the area, and I've recently lost a couple of friends, so it's a nice fit. I'm hoping to actually start hanging out with him soon. We've talked to each other as part of a larger group, but it would be nice to not have to yell over performing bands. If, over time, I find that I like him, then great. If I only see him as a friend, then great. I am open to possibility, but mostly, I want friends. I need friends.
S asked me out a month ago, and I turned him down. I haven't spoke with him since that happened. I just want to avoid the situation repeating itself.
N hasn't returned my call from last week. When I turned him down in June, he didn't take it too well. I gave him space, but he we haven't yet talked on the phone. I wanted to give him time to deal with the rejection so that we can be friends again. I just want to talk to my friend.
A is getting set for some new directions in his life, which means change. He quit smoking in the spring/early summer. He's doing great with that. He seems to have adjusted without any major issue, which seems absolutely crazy because he's been a smoker for over fifteen years. He's attending college for the first time this fall, which I think scares and excites him. We hang out from time to time, but it's always stilted and tense until we are alone. We fight the attraction for a while, and then it's there, overpowering both of us. We kiss and then start a frustrating round of explaining our way out of the situation.
The most recent addition to this mess I created will be referred to as C. He and I haven't seen much of each other this summer. It started out strong. It started out with lots of excitement, but I think he was hoping that I would let sex be an option in a casual dating scenario. I thought he knew me better than that. Or perhaps he though he could be the one to change me. I can't be certain. We've had several rounds of tense arguments, not speaking for several days here and there. This week, he told me he met someone who he wanted to date. I thought he had called things off with me. I was hurt, but it was fine. Then he called me the following night get together. We still aren't being clear with each other. I don't know what to make of this situation that we are both irritated by but won't leave alone. We could go back to being friends. That would be fine, but it doesn't seem to be shifting back the way I thought it would. At this point, C is all you get. It is not in reference to his name, although one of you out there knows all about this C.
An old friend has been asking me a lot about my Saturday nights. Since the spring, he has asked for eight different nights. It didn't dawn on me that this could be a pseudo-romantic thing. I wasn't able to go because of my schedule, but now I just want to avoid the whole thing. I do not see him that way, and although he has not expressed any clear and direct interest in dating, the warning signs are there.
A new friend and I have been getting to know each other. M doesn't have a lot of friends in the area, and I've recently lost a couple of friends, so it's a nice fit. I'm hoping to actually start hanging out with him soon. We've talked to each other as part of a larger group, but it would be nice to not have to yell over performing bands. If, over time, I find that I like him, then great. If I only see him as a friend, then great. I am open to possibility, but mostly, I want friends. I need friends.
S asked me out a month ago, and I turned him down. I haven't spoke with him since that happened. I just want to avoid the situation repeating itself.
N hasn't returned my call from last week. When I turned him down in June, he didn't take it too well. I gave him space, but he we haven't yet talked on the phone. I wanted to give him time to deal with the rejection so that we can be friends again. I just want to talk to my friend.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Two Dollars, revisited
I received a package in the mail today that included the wedding planning book, a replacement picture frame place holder (mine had been taken by someone else at the wedding. I know who took it, but I don't want to say on here, as it might upset people to know that their friends "lifted" something and denied it later when I confronted said person), and a letter.
It made me sad and relieved at the same time. The letter was well-written. Kind. Direct. It expressed thanks for all the things that we shared that were positive.
It made me sad and relieved at the same time. The letter was well-written. Kind. Direct. It expressed thanks for all the things that we shared that were positive.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Daydream, Actually
I have this strange daydream...
I visit some event in the area. I am with friends, different ones at different times.
Lately, I daydream this friend is Marco. We visit Eastern Market on some random late summer or early autumn Saturday morning when it's cool enough to smile in the building sunshine and yet it's still warm enough to walk around in my capri pants and a regular T-shirt, a stunning no-frills combination.
We saunter, taking pictures that we both tell ourselves might someday be something others want to buy. Contemporary images of a time-honored tradition. Off-center, color-saturated, deep and meaningful in a way that we have to argue to lay claim on some starving artist notion of what beauty truly is. We collect our imaginary money and thank imaginary people for their accolades.
We goof around, climbing stacks of pallets and other debris with our arms raised high in triumph, sampling a few of our agricultural finds, laughing and making faces at each other with dabs of blueberries on our teeth. Sometimes, it's grapes. Sometimes, I peel the grapes and spit chunks at Marco. And then, we laugh some more. I talk wildly with my hands, finally giving in to who I am and loving that I talk wildly with my hands. My playful teasing only bringing on more laughter and discussion of what a beautiful and perfect day it is because it is just that.
We visit the meat and fish market. I share that I'm a vegetarian, but we watch the men throwing fish into the ice inside the displays. We watch as men cut chunks of beef and pork and throw them on a scale. I pretend that this does not excite me. I pretend that this is offensive but Marco needs this moment.
I imagine this entry into Detroit is a kind one for Marco, who seems timid but curious about this city that is so near but still so scary in its almost foreign sensation to an Ohioan.
There is only a new friendship found over commonalities in failed relationships. There is only a new friendship where nothing existed before.
I sometimes picture running into Julie, a girl from a graduate reading class I took last fall. She is blond and beautiful and everything I'm not. I see her and approach. She smiles and asks me my name again. I respond, "Alicia, Actually" calling her "Actually" as a condescending tribute to the fact that she can use the word actually more times in one short conversation than I have used the word in my entire lifetime.
Marco walks toward us quietly, waiting for his introduction to someone who will inevitably ask if he was in our class, too. She doesn't notice that he is staring at her, seeing how beautiful she is. She doesn't hear his small utterances and minute contributions to the conversation. She means well and wants to connect with me.
While he is watching her, I tally how many times she utters the word actually. Eventually, her parents call her to leave, and she makes a strange statement about leaving all the "blacks" and heading back home to a "good area" - her random, innocent inappropriateness never failing her and going unchecked by others who are never quite quick enough to respond.
I tell Marco the story of how I began to call her "Actually." He laughs, and we begin to wind down as her sun-bright hair bobs into a minivan already peopled with two stable and comfortable-looking individuals who only wanted to share the Detroit they knew growing up with a daughter whose intelligence trails far behind her compassion and dedication to others.
That's where the day ends. There is no further adventure into the city. There is no return to the car. There is only a moment, sometimes advanced to a sunset that feels misplaced while we sit on a park bench with nothing left to discuss.
I visit some event in the area. I am with friends, different ones at different times.
Lately, I daydream this friend is Marco. We visit Eastern Market on some random late summer or early autumn Saturday morning when it's cool enough to smile in the building sunshine and yet it's still warm enough to walk around in my capri pants and a regular T-shirt, a stunning no-frills combination.
We saunter, taking pictures that we both tell ourselves might someday be something others want to buy. Contemporary images of a time-honored tradition. Off-center, color-saturated, deep and meaningful in a way that we have to argue to lay claim on some starving artist notion of what beauty truly is. We collect our imaginary money and thank imaginary people for their accolades.
We goof around, climbing stacks of pallets and other debris with our arms raised high in triumph, sampling a few of our agricultural finds, laughing and making faces at each other with dabs of blueberries on our teeth. Sometimes, it's grapes. Sometimes, I peel the grapes and spit chunks at Marco. And then, we laugh some more. I talk wildly with my hands, finally giving in to who I am and loving that I talk wildly with my hands. My playful teasing only bringing on more laughter and discussion of what a beautiful and perfect day it is because it is just that.
We visit the meat and fish market. I share that I'm a vegetarian, but we watch the men throwing fish into the ice inside the displays. We watch as men cut chunks of beef and pork and throw them on a scale. I pretend that this does not excite me. I pretend that this is offensive but Marco needs this moment.
I imagine this entry into Detroit is a kind one for Marco, who seems timid but curious about this city that is so near but still so scary in its almost foreign sensation to an Ohioan.
There is only a new friendship found over commonalities in failed relationships. There is only a new friendship where nothing existed before.
I sometimes picture running into Julie, a girl from a graduate reading class I took last fall. She is blond and beautiful and everything I'm not. I see her and approach. She smiles and asks me my name again. I respond, "Alicia, Actually" calling her "Actually" as a condescending tribute to the fact that she can use the word actually more times in one short conversation than I have used the word in my entire lifetime.
Marco walks toward us quietly, waiting for his introduction to someone who will inevitably ask if he was in our class, too. She doesn't notice that he is staring at her, seeing how beautiful she is. She doesn't hear his small utterances and minute contributions to the conversation. She means well and wants to connect with me.
While he is watching her, I tally how many times she utters the word actually. Eventually, her parents call her to leave, and she makes a strange statement about leaving all the "blacks" and heading back home to a "good area" - her random, innocent inappropriateness never failing her and going unchecked by others who are never quite quick enough to respond.
I tell Marco the story of how I began to call her "Actually." He laughs, and we begin to wind down as her sun-bright hair bobs into a minivan already peopled with two stable and comfortable-looking individuals who only wanted to share the Detroit they knew growing up with a daughter whose intelligence trails far behind her compassion and dedication to others.
That's where the day ends. There is no further adventure into the city. There is no return to the car. There is only a moment, sometimes advanced to a sunset that feels misplaced while we sit on a park bench with nothing left to discuss.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Spontaneity
Why does my spontaneity have to be during a period of spontaneity for you to be considered spontaneous? I just don't understand. What gives you the right to question my inclinations when I choose to stay home and do my own thing?
Granted, you tease me about it in a playful way, but the message is still there...if I am not willing to do what you want when you want, then I am somehow not living up to some expectation you have of me and my spontaneity. Do you not realize that that is ridiculous?
You don't get to determine when I do things, nor will I let you continue to comment on how I am not spontaneous because I won't hang out with you whenever you want.
You say "Jump."
I say "Fuck you."
Granted, you tease me about it in a playful way, but the message is still there...if I am not willing to do what you want when you want, then I am somehow not living up to some expectation you have of me and my spontaneity. Do you not realize that that is ridiculous?
You don't get to determine when I do things, nor will I let you continue to comment on how I am not spontaneous because I won't hang out with you whenever you want.
You say "Jump."
I say "Fuck you."
Sunday, August 15, 2010
"Two dollars!"
So, a short while back, I was "unfriended" by someone I have known most of my life. We used to be extremely close, but over the years, the friendship felt more like her trying too hard and me trying too little. This year, it came to a head.
The unfolding of the irritation is not what I wish to focus on; it's more about the manner in which she unfriended me. She decided to not act like an adult of almost 30 years. She decided to resort to just removing me from that part of her life. I'm actually okay with it because of how rude she was to me at a barbecue I attended (and yes, I was invited). She had been cold at other points, too, including her bachelorette party, even though I was the one taking care of her when her other friends continued having a good time. C stepped in to help me after roughly 35 minutes of taking care of her by myself, which was nice, but no one else bothered to even acknowledge that she had become ill.
I don't believe she recalls this. I don't believe she knows that yes, I did help pay for that party, even though it was more than I could really afford at the time and way more than anyone should be asked to pay. My replacement as Maid of Honor paid way too much for that evening. I also gave presents, as expected.
Hell, I had even allowed her to borrow a book to help her plan her wedding. She never returned it (even stating that she wanted to give it to one of her friends - I told her I'd like my book back), and I now feel like the kid in Better Off Dead saying "I want my two dollars!"
It's unfortunate that it has come to this, but I guess I am ready for her to not be a part of my life.
My life has been pretty good lately, despite some injuries. She hasn't bothered asking, and I haven't volunteered.
The unfolding of the irritation is not what I wish to focus on; it's more about the manner in which she unfriended me. She decided to not act like an adult of almost 30 years. She decided to resort to just removing me from that part of her life. I'm actually okay with it because of how rude she was to me at a barbecue I attended (and yes, I was invited). She had been cold at other points, too, including her bachelorette party, even though I was the one taking care of her when her other friends continued having a good time. C stepped in to help me after roughly 35 minutes of taking care of her by myself, which was nice, but no one else bothered to even acknowledge that she had become ill.
I don't believe she recalls this. I don't believe she knows that yes, I did help pay for that party, even though it was more than I could really afford at the time and way more than anyone should be asked to pay. My replacement as Maid of Honor paid way too much for that evening. I also gave presents, as expected.
Hell, I had even allowed her to borrow a book to help her plan her wedding. She never returned it (even stating that she wanted to give it to one of her friends - I told her I'd like my book back), and I now feel like the kid in Better Off Dead saying "I want my two dollars!"
It's unfortunate that it has come to this, but I guess I am ready for her to not be a part of my life.
My life has been pretty good lately, despite some injuries. She hasn't bothered asking, and I haven't volunteered.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Scheduling Friends
I met an old high school friend for breakfast today because he was in town. It was a nice visit. There was a touch of oddness to the visit, though, because in all the years I have known him, I have never before hung out with this person without other people present. We've never really made plans to do this before.
It's not to say that he is someone I wouldn't mind hanging out with again. We've always gotten along. It just seemed like a stretch for us to embark on the new journey of hanging out without everyone else's discussions woven into our interaction.
I'm friends with his roommate and his brother. We weren't close in high school, nor are we close now, but it seems odd that, all of a sudden, we all seem to want to take the time to learn about one another. I have a schedule filling with friends.
We discussed what keeps us busy during these long, lazy days of summer and the things that we thought we'd be doing at this point in our lives.
All-in-all, it was a nice morning out. I don't see a lot of mornings this time of year, but I'm glad I saw today's.
It's not to say that he is someone I wouldn't mind hanging out with again. We've always gotten along. It just seemed like a stretch for us to embark on the new journey of hanging out without everyone else's discussions woven into our interaction.
I'm friends with his roommate and his brother. We weren't close in high school, nor are we close now, but it seems odd that, all of a sudden, we all seem to want to take the time to learn about one another. I have a schedule filling with friends.
We discussed what keeps us busy during these long, lazy days of summer and the things that we thought we'd be doing at this point in our lives.
All-in-all, it was a nice morning out. I don't see a lot of mornings this time of year, but I'm glad I saw today's.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
New Treatment
The soft (medicated) cast on my right foot is already working its magic. By the end of a full week with this thing on, though, it definitely won't feel (or probably smell) so magical. At least my toes are not encapsulated by the mixture of paste, medicine and various bandages. I can clean them at will, very carefully, of course.
I am going to ask if I can have digital copies of my X-rays when I go in next week. It's not that I want to take them to another doctor. I just want to see if I can start to understand what's been wrong with my feet for a while now.
Heel spurs, tendonitis, arches that exceed normal standards, toe pain, muscle pain, poor circulation, weakness, etc. I am so much better with visuals. Plus, I could subject my friends to images of the insides of my feet. Now that would be fun!
I told some OTC pain medication that sent me reeling away from normal, calm interaction to a hyper version of myself. Some people were plagued with my outrageous laughing and joke-cracking over the phone. I don't believe that these people were really prepared for me in that state. That is primarily why I avoid all medication. My body just does not know how to react and I am often a bit wild and crazy, scratching my arms in true OCD fashion (sometimes my neck, legs, and torso, as well), and/or staring blankly at things while in a complete daze.
I've never felt compelled to try illicit drugs. There's never been a need, and I am always trying to feel in control of something in my life. There isn't much that I can control (not for a lack of trying), so sobriety makes me feel in control. If I really need to feel spaced out, Sudafed is enough. If I needed a depressant, alcohol works. Ibuprofen tends to do that, too. If I need to perk up, certain vitamins, herbal remedies, and mood stabilizers in something like Midol definitely do the trick.
I am going to ask if I can have digital copies of my X-rays when I go in next week. It's not that I want to take them to another doctor. I just want to see if I can start to understand what's been wrong with my feet for a while now.
Heel spurs, tendonitis, arches that exceed normal standards, toe pain, muscle pain, poor circulation, weakness, etc. I am so much better with visuals. Plus, I could subject my friends to images of the insides of my feet. Now that would be fun!
I told some OTC pain medication that sent me reeling away from normal, calm interaction to a hyper version of myself. Some people were plagued with my outrageous laughing and joke-cracking over the phone. I don't believe that these people were really prepared for me in that state. That is primarily why I avoid all medication. My body just does not know how to react and I am often a bit wild and crazy, scratching my arms in true OCD fashion (sometimes my neck, legs, and torso, as well), and/or staring blankly at things while in a complete daze.
I've never felt compelled to try illicit drugs. There's never been a need, and I am always trying to feel in control of something in my life. There isn't much that I can control (not for a lack of trying), so sobriety makes me feel in control. If I really need to feel spaced out, Sudafed is enough. If I needed a depressant, alcohol works. Ibuprofen tends to do that, too. If I need to perk up, certain vitamins, herbal remedies, and mood stabilizers in something like Midol definitely do the trick.
Recent Fears
This blog seems to be the one place where I can unload a little bit. I don't see the need to visit a therapist because I know what is wrong with me. I don't need the diagnosis from someone else. What I do need is someone who will get me from where I am to where I want to be, and I don't believe that a therapist will be able to help me with that. It's an internal process. It's a simple process. I just have to do the things that are already obvious to me.
I'm just afraid.
And when I'm afraid, I lash out at others. I find ways to get a reaction out of them so that I can argue them out of my life. I use this to sabotage any sort of romantic relationship, too, because deep down, I really don't want to move on.
So, if anyone's wondering why they haven't heard from me beyond the Facebook status updates, that would be it.
I finally spoke to a friend who needed space from me. I pushed him too far in one particular conversation, and he was hurt - truly hurt - by what I had said to him. I feel awful for my part (which is most of it) in the conflict, and I fear I have destroyed one of the few lifelong friendships I've been able to maintain up until this point.
I'm just afraid.
And when I'm afraid, I lash out at others. I find ways to get a reaction out of them so that I can argue them out of my life. I use this to sabotage any sort of romantic relationship, too, because deep down, I really don't want to move on.
So, if anyone's wondering why they haven't heard from me beyond the Facebook status updates, that would be it.
I finally spoke to a friend who needed space from me. I pushed him too far in one particular conversation, and he was hurt - truly hurt - by what I had said to him. I feel awful for my part (which is most of it) in the conflict, and I fear I have destroyed one of the few lifelong friendships I've been able to maintain up until this point.
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