Halloween was tame this year. Students dressed up, but there was nothing really exciting going on at work. I came home, did a few chores, and then dozed on the couch. I have been quite sleepy lately. Jeremy came home from training and we ordered pizza. We didn't pass out candy. I didn't dress up in a costume.
Something just doesn't feel right, you know?
I will probably be going to a friend's party in Canton tomorrow after my performance. The goal is to get everyone drunk. I don't know that I will join in. I am such a party-pooper lately.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Class Tonight & Fatigue
I don't have my homework done for class tonight. I emailed my professor and asked for an extension, which she granted. I've had some technology problems lately, and my professor is really understanding.
It's my night to bring snacks to class. If I weren't bringing something I would simply call and say that I am ill. I am exhausted beyond belief right now. I still have a test, two handouts, and other stuff to create for tomorrow. I can't seem to get caught up. And I need to leave for class in about thirty minutes.
Tomorrow will not offer me any chance to sleep, unfortunately. I will be going to celebrate Mark's birthday with Jeremy after work. I need time. I need sleep. Maybe I am suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
I just want to curl up with my cats and rest, but I know it wouldn't do any good. I'd wake feeling worse off than I feel now.
It's my night to bring snacks to class. If I weren't bringing something I would simply call and say that I am ill. I am exhausted beyond belief right now. I still have a test, two handouts, and other stuff to create for tomorrow. I can't seem to get caught up. And I need to leave for class in about thirty minutes.
Tomorrow will not offer me any chance to sleep, unfortunately. I will be going to celebrate Mark's birthday with Jeremy after work. I need time. I need sleep. Maybe I am suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
I just want to curl up with my cats and rest, but I know it wouldn't do any good. I'd wake feeling worse off than I feel now.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
RAW
I started writing a small scene that I hope works into a larger script I've been working on. I was listening to music on MySpace today (a typical Saturday routine), and one particular song struck me. I added it to my list and listened to its hauntingly sad words over and over until the scene became crystal clear in my mind.
I emoted. I allowed myself to become the person I saw in that scene. And then I wrote. My process is not unusual, but it strikes me each time that I must appear remarkably unstable on a daily basis. I sob at the losses that only occur within my mind. I respond to silent questions and watch the lifts in my face in the bathroom mirror as I am presented with true happiness and ultimate humor. I suffer the manipulations of those who do not exist, and I relive malleable painful moments that are no longer a concern or beyond my own understanding.
I also hear a soundtrack to all of these fictitious moments of my life. Sometimes the music leads the images. As I work with this script/story, I may share pieces. Just not now. It feels heavy and dark and raw. Part of me thinks it is better that way.
I emoted. I allowed myself to become the person I saw in that scene. And then I wrote. My process is not unusual, but it strikes me each time that I must appear remarkably unstable on a daily basis. I sob at the losses that only occur within my mind. I respond to silent questions and watch the lifts in my face in the bathroom mirror as I am presented with true happiness and ultimate humor. I suffer the manipulations of those who do not exist, and I relive malleable painful moments that are no longer a concern or beyond my own understanding.
I also hear a soundtrack to all of these fictitious moments of my life. Sometimes the music leads the images. As I work with this script/story, I may share pieces. Just not now. It feels heavy and dark and raw. Part of me thinks it is better that way.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Friendships and Birthdays
I tend to put deeper posts here, although lately, I've been quite the blogger on MySpace. I turned 28 on Wednesday. Jeremy gave me running shoes and a DVD, and then he took me out to dinner. All-in-all, it was a nice birthday. It wasn't the best, but it definitely wasn't the worst. Since my 22nd, they had been getting progressively worse until last year. Mike and I walked around Ann Arbor in the rain, which is absolutely wonderful! This year, I was ill, but it was still a good day. Jeremy made sure that there were special treats in the fridge (chocolate with hazelnuts...mmm...and frosted cookies) and he took me where I wanted to go for dinner.
My immune system hasn't been up to par in the past month, and my birthday turned out to be the turning point in a cold that has been bothering me. With the mold content in the building where I teach, it's amazing that my body hasn't completely fallen to pieces. I was nearly over the cold, and then WHAM! - I lost my voice. I was fatigued and had started coughing those hearty, painful coughs that we all dread.
I continued to work, which forced my students to take on more responsibility. They were fine with that (I teach mostly honor students this year).
At home, I haven't been able to focus on grading or planning or homework. Chances are that I have been asleep whenever that time would have been available. Take today, for example. I worked, visited the Tailgate party right after work for Homecoming, then drove home and crashed until about midnight. I vaguely remember saying (wheezing, coughing, and whispering) bye to Jeremy before he left for work. I am unable to speak, although my coughing has subsided, for the most part. I expect to recover in the next two or three days. I woke up tonight thinking it was tomorrow and was quite surprised to see that it was dark outside. I felt cold, which is good, since the heat is not on, and I've been running a fever for a couple of days.
Mike sent me a message on my birthday. I was surprised to receive it, as we haven't spoken since August. I cried when I read it, but that was just a reaction to missing our friendship. He had been such a close friend for so long that I think I relied on him too much for support in all the woes of my life. He sent the message late at night, probably hoping that I'd find it the next day. He didn't directly say that he misses our friendship, but he told a short story that clearly implied it. That's just how we have always been - we tell stories that reveal so much more than we ever admit to thinking or feeling. Such is the nature of writers / musicians / English teachers. I know if the situation were reversed, I would have done the same thing. That is why we are such close friends. We are wired very much the same way, and I think he just knew that if he didn't contact me on my birthday, I would have written him off entirely. There are only a few times in a year when one can let go of whatever the issues are to simply wish someone else well.
I've been much more open with my emotions, so I thanked him for wishing me well. I also told him that I started to cry - not because he said anything upsetting or too sentimental but because I miss talking to him. I think Jeremy was a little upset that I had started to tear up. He doesn't have friendships as close as this - the closest he had was Ryan. And Ryan died last year, which is another reason I think Jeremy prefers "surface" friendships. He was not able to attend the funeral. He still has not gone to see Ryan's parents. Seeing them would make the loss real.
I've been spending more time with old friends. Joe and I have been hanging out more. It's great that we still have that connection we used to have. He opened up about some of his issues lately, which really speaks to how far we've come after all these years. I hate that things are not going the way he wants them to. I hate that there is nothing that can be done.
MK sent me a message to let me know he is out of prison again. While it is good that he is trying to start his life again, I really don't think that I want him around me. I understand he has "paid his debt", so to speak, but I don't want a moment of weakness in his life to turn into a lawsuit or anything for me. He has a huge laundry list of crimes that could easily be added to if his life doesn't go the way he wants.
Tim wants to chat with me about what's going on in his life, but I don't know that I am the best person to give advice. He flaked out the past couple of times, so I don't really want to make myself available now. I have a life, too, and I can't just sit around and deal with his problems. I have my own, despite my cheery disposition these last couple of months.
My immune system hasn't been up to par in the past month, and my birthday turned out to be the turning point in a cold that has been bothering me. With the mold content in the building where I teach, it's amazing that my body hasn't completely fallen to pieces. I was nearly over the cold, and then WHAM! - I lost my voice. I was fatigued and had started coughing those hearty, painful coughs that we all dread.
I continued to work, which forced my students to take on more responsibility. They were fine with that (I teach mostly honor students this year).
At home, I haven't been able to focus on grading or planning or homework. Chances are that I have been asleep whenever that time would have been available. Take today, for example. I worked, visited the Tailgate party right after work for Homecoming, then drove home and crashed until about midnight. I vaguely remember saying (wheezing, coughing, and whispering) bye to Jeremy before he left for work. I am unable to speak, although my coughing has subsided, for the most part. I expect to recover in the next two or three days. I woke up tonight thinking it was tomorrow and was quite surprised to see that it was dark outside. I felt cold, which is good, since the heat is not on, and I've been running a fever for a couple of days.
Mike sent me a message on my birthday. I was surprised to receive it, as we haven't spoken since August. I cried when I read it, but that was just a reaction to missing our friendship. He had been such a close friend for so long that I think I relied on him too much for support in all the woes of my life. He sent the message late at night, probably hoping that I'd find it the next day. He didn't directly say that he misses our friendship, but he told a short story that clearly implied it. That's just how we have always been - we tell stories that reveal so much more than we ever admit to thinking or feeling. Such is the nature of writers / musicians / English teachers. I know if the situation were reversed, I would have done the same thing. That is why we are such close friends. We are wired very much the same way, and I think he just knew that if he didn't contact me on my birthday, I would have written him off entirely. There are only a few times in a year when one can let go of whatever the issues are to simply wish someone else well.
I've been much more open with my emotions, so I thanked him for wishing me well. I also told him that I started to cry - not because he said anything upsetting or too sentimental but because I miss talking to him. I think Jeremy was a little upset that I had started to tear up. He doesn't have friendships as close as this - the closest he had was Ryan. And Ryan died last year, which is another reason I think Jeremy prefers "surface" friendships. He was not able to attend the funeral. He still has not gone to see Ryan's parents. Seeing them would make the loss real.
I've been spending more time with old friends. Joe and I have been hanging out more. It's great that we still have that connection we used to have. He opened up about some of his issues lately, which really speaks to how far we've come after all these years. I hate that things are not going the way he wants them to. I hate that there is nothing that can be done.
MK sent me a message to let me know he is out of prison again. While it is good that he is trying to start his life again, I really don't think that I want him around me. I understand he has "paid his debt", so to speak, but I don't want a moment of weakness in his life to turn into a lawsuit or anything for me. He has a huge laundry list of crimes that could easily be added to if his life doesn't go the way he wants.
Tim wants to chat with me about what's going on in his life, but I don't know that I am the best person to give advice. He flaked out the past couple of times, so I don't really want to make myself available now. I have a life, too, and I can't just sit around and deal with his problems. I have my own, despite my cheery disposition these last couple of months.
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