:-/

So sick of the bullshit.

Winding Down

It's time for a pity party, at least that's what my brain is pushing for.

Taking stock of 2012....
Was in love at the beginning.
Had my heart broken via FB in March.
Reconnected with an old college friend in April.
Met a guy I was crazy about in May.
May-guy hurt my feelings in July.
Was given a piano by college friend's parents.
Cancer scare in July.
Started dating the old college friend in August.
Turned 32 in October.
Old college friend dumped me in November, but we remained close.
Had several issues with my employer that have resulted in taking a leave of absence (not my choice).
Auditioned for a timpanist position with a professional orchestra.
Completed my certification for Teaching English as a Foreign Language.

Feeling fed up with life as I know it. I want something better for myself.

Bubi's, a band, and an Ex-boyfriend

I drove to that other country today to support a friend's band. My ex-boyfriend was there for a while. We did not speak. At one point, he just up and left - probably a reaction to my friend and I talking to his best friend (the band member). Thank you for showing me that you have no class, ex-boyfriend.

The band was good. I'm glad I went and supported the guys at their gig.

Dinner beforehand was delicious. I have plenty left over to enjoy tomorrow. Win! If you ever get a chance to visit Windsor, Ontario, Canada, you simply MUST try Bubi's Awesome Eats! (Oh, it's pronounced Bub - ees, FYI)

It's late, and I had a few too many thoughts rolling around this head of mine, so I should meditate and then sleep.

Clarity

Talking to the past can be helpful, but it just hurts so much. I spoke with one ex-boyfriend who still means a great deal to me. So, even though I learned some things about him and about myself, I still hurt. At least I gained some clarity.

LOVE

So, my boyfriend isn't in love with me. He has told me before and he told me again last night. He always follows it with the word 'yet' after a pause. I miss being loved-adored.

Influence

The longer I date Keith, the more I see how he influences me. At least I can say that he influences me in a positive way that is focused on healing the parts of me that feel damaged all the time - my brain, my heart, and my soul. He brings with him a calm Buddhist nature that helps me see the value in my experiences, my life, and myself. I recall how my ex-fiance used to influence me. At the time, I just thought that sacrificing things I enjoy and things I need would reward me later with a husband who was a good man. Instead, that "good man" started a new relationship with another woman while I was recovering from my stroke in 2011 (we were "separate but together" at the time) and then married her this calendar year. My ruptured aneurysm did a lot of damage. On the physical level, I am almost entirely healed - the brain is incredibly resilient, but I am definitely not the same person I used to be. My memories are intact, my personality is roughly the same, but I'm left with this constant feeling of not being good enough for anything I used to have or do. My employers assume the worst in me, claiming I have anger issues, although they have no examples to share of me demonstrating them. I get that I'm not as bubbly as I used to be, but being more subdued is not a bad thing when my job is to wrangle 170 teenagers and keep them reading and writing every day. I feel unappreciated for everything I do there, and unfortunately, since that is what fills most of my time, it influences me most. I start to wonder if I am worthless. I've been both verbally and physically assaulted at work by adults and children, and the emotional impact of that is great and very heavy. While some of these things occurred prior to my stroke, the bulk of them have happened after, and it makes me wonder where our society is truly headed if everyone is seeing fit to abuse someone who suffered and recovered from a terrible ordeal. One person I work for even claimed I must have caused my aneurysm by "irresponsible living." I rarely consume alcohol, live a vegetarian lifestyle, and I have never done drugs - ever. My neurosurgeon says my aneurysm was caused by a hereditary birth defect no one had detected (my great-grandfather died from a ruptured brain aneurysm in the exact same spot as mine). I've always internalized my negative dealings with outside forces. Normally, people who survive what I did are left angry, depressed, and violent. I am mildly depressed at times, but isn't everyone? I am not a violent person. I don't feel the urge to strike anyone (remember...I internalize everything.). I am only angry about how others treat me. When I set boundaries, people violate them. Not all people, mostly just the people I work with. I've decided that I don't want the people I work with to influence me anymore. I just need help figuring out how to stop their influence. Any ideas?

LEFT BEHIND

So, I'm getting really depressed because everyone else seems to be paired off and getting married. I have a boyfriend who cares for me deeply, but he's very slow about the love-thing, and I feel like I might never get that again. When will it be my turn to finally be happy? Someone I have very strong feelings for (and he for me) is going on a date today with someone new. He and I have remained close despite things not working out for us. On one hand, I am happy for him that he is going on a date. On the other hand, I am sad that he's trying to actually move on emotionally. I'm trying like hell to be happy for those people out there who've been able to find true love. I used to be so happy for people when they'd find it. I'm not upset that they've found it. I just want it, too.

FML

I'm resilient, but seriously?

So, some really bad stuff is going on in my life right now. My parents, my boyfriend, and a few friends know, but I am trying my best to be outwardly positive. I don't want people to know what is going on because it looks bad for me, even though it is not actually my fault nor did I do anything. 

 I'm tired of being a pity case.

Part of it is residual trauma, part of it is employment challenges, and part of it is emotional dysregulation. 

Change

Something has to change or I'm going to implode.

Now for the Legal

After unsuccessfully trying to get someone to "man up" for the past ten years and follow through with a promise to fix something that has affected me that long, I've decided to go the legal route and force the individual to do what is right. I will not "go away" until I am made whole again.

The beginning of Happiness

It's been a full weekend with my boyfriend. A wedding. An awesome book sale. A movie at AMC 20. And lots of sweet nothing's and cuddling. I needed this.

Day of Reckoning

The past is moving on today. Both the ex-fiance and the former best friend have carved out new lives for themselves and they officially march down those paths today. The most recent ex-boyfriend....the one i felt the deepest love I've ever felt for anyone....blocked me on FB and then sent me an email stating that he wants me to find someone who actually treats me the way I deserve to be treated....that we have too many "issues" between us for him to even offer friendship. What a jerk. I hate that THAT particular love left me blind and weak. Vulnerable. And I'm so afraid that I will never feel love like I did for him. Deep down, I know it will always be there. I'm trying so hard to let myself feel something like that for the new guy. It's a very slow, guarded process for me. He's more than patient, and I'm really hoping I don't screw this up.

To You

You are the one, whether you know that or not. You are still the first person I think about when I wake in the morning and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. You made me see the world differently. You made me feel like I belong somewhere.

Tailspin

I spoke to a number of people yesterday on the phone, in person, or online. My tailspin started early, and I reached out for stability. I didn't find it until I spoke to two of the people who contributed to my tailspin. The conversations felt natural and calm, which is part of the reason I experienced the tailspin to begin with. This constant need for reassurance, etc., is actually causing me to possibly miss something that is right in front of me. It's time for that to change. It's time to process those things I've been hanging onto and not truly dealing with.

A New You

I hate the phrase "Build a better you." I've been hearing it a lot lately from friends, family, therapists. I don't know how to build a new me. I can only work with what is already here. I can mold, adapt, alter, but I can't really BUILD a new me.

From bed

I am just trying to think of reasons to stay awake rather than go back to sleep for a few hours before I go to a new German language group I just joined. I installed the blogger app on my phone, so now that I have a phone that actually does the voice recognition stuff properly, it's actually kind of nice but I can just talk to my phone and my words show up.

Some of the lies I've told myself over the past year.... 1. my ex-fiance truly loved me. 2. my friendship with my former best friend was completely platonic. 3. I am okay and don't need a lot of help. 4. I have no deficits after the stroke. 5. the Canadian fell as hard as I did. 6. I enjoy my career. 7. I'm independent. 8. I'm in control. 9. I am okay alone. 10. my friendship with my current best friend is completely platonic. 11. I read a lot. 12. I sleep enough. 13. I eat healthy.

Anger, Revisited

My anger today sprang up after some less-than-civil dealings with my ex-fiance about some (still) shared finances. I honestly want to see that man happy, even though it will never be a happiness found with me. He was the greatest love of my adult life thus far, and I hate that it ended so poorly. Even if he became available again, I wouldn't want him. He abandoned me at a point in my life when I needed him the most. Now he's someone other woman's problem. I just hate that the only way to stop crying over my pain is to become angry. I think I am done with anger for the day. I am just going to cry - let it out - and then MOVE the fuck on!

Anger

My anger is costing me a new relationship. I feel C pulling away. He's spoken to me about his concerns in regard to my anger. I resent him for feeling the way he does. Another man (K)- a good friend who has indicated he would like to date me - has been comforting me and my bruised heart. Instead of just saying, "Well, you need to work on your anger," he provided me with books about processing anger and a friendly ear to help me sort through the messes of my life. I know he realizes he's helping me be more of what the guy in my new relationship wants - someone free of bitterness and anger. When K knew me before as a college student, I was actually a calm, sweet-natured form of myself - the person I still feel like on the inside, just hidden/swallowed by the hardened shell of an angry person. Anger made me stronger for a while last year after my stroke. It made me strong again after a broken heart. Now it's time to be stronger than my anger.

Tuesday's Music

I'm horribly disorganized. I have one day to completely change that. I have a piano arriving on Tuesday - an old college friend with whom I reconnected made this possible. His parents are giving me their own piano (an antique piano that has been in their family for about 65 years). While the move and the tuning will cost about $350, the piano is a rare find and worth a hefty sum. I couldn't believe when they insisted on GIVING me the piano, free of charge. They offered it to me when I saw it and asked to play it; I haven't had a piano in my home since 2004, and I just wanted to "tickle the ivories" - in this case...REAL ivory keys. So, Tuesday will bring me something new to focus on, which is good. I've been sort of stuck in a rut lately, and music always soothes my soul.

Some quotes

From William Shakespeare:

"The time of life is short; To spend that shotrness basely were too long."

(Henry IV)

"He that is giddy thinks the world turns round."

(The Taming of the Shrew)

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."

(Twelfth Night)

"Men of few words are the best men."

(Henry VI)

"My salad says, When I was green in judgment."

(Antony and Cleopatra) From Mark Twain:

"One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives."

("Pudd'nhead Wildson's Calendar) From Alexander Pope: "'Tis with our judgments as our watches - none Go just alike, yet each believes his own" (Essay on Criticism, Part I) "True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, As those move easiest who have learned to dance." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "To err is human, to forgive divine." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "In words as fashions, the same rules will hold, Alike fantastic if too new or old; Be not the first by whom the new are tried, Nor yet the last to lay the old aside." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "Words are like leaves; and where they most abound, Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "A little learning is a dangerous thinkg; Drink deep, or tast not eh Pierian spring: There shall drafts intoxicate the brain, And drinking largely sobers us again." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "'Tis education forms the common mind: Just as the twig is bent the tree's inclined." (Moral Essays, "Epistle I) "Know then thyself, presume not God to scan; The proper study of mankind is man." (The Essay on Man, "Epistle II") "Worth makes he man, and want of it the fellow; The rest is all but leather and prunello." (The Essay on Man, "Epistle IV") "A wit's a feather, and a chief a rod; An honest man's the noblest work of God." (The Essay on Man, "Epistle IV") "Hope springs eternal in the human breast: Man never is but always to be blest." (The Essay on Man, "Epistle") From William Wordsworth: "My heart leaps up when I behold A rainbow in the sky." ("My Heart Leaps Up") "Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, But to be young was very heaven!" ("The Prelude, XI") From John Keats: "Here lies one whose name was writ in water." ("Epitaph") From Rudyard Kipling: "Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never twain shall met, Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God's great Judgment Seat." ("The Ballad of East and West") "Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet, Lest we forgt - lest we forget!" ("Recessional") From Robert Louis Stevenson: "Here he lies, where he longed to be; Home is the sailor, home from the sea, And the hunter home from the hill." ("Requiem") From Sara Teasdale: "Life has loveliness to sell -" ("Barter") From Ulysss S. Grant: "I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effecgtive as their stringent execution." (Inaugural Address, 1869) From Joyce Kilmer: "Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree." ("Trees") From Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: "Let the dead Past bury its dead." ("A Psalm of Life") From Abraham Lincoln: "With malce toward none; with charity for all." (Second Inaugural Adress, March 4, 1865)

The End is Near

The school year is rapidly coming to its conclusion. I think I overestimated my ability to cope with the abuse teachers take on a daily basis. While most of my students have been good int he six months I've been teaching again, there are some who excel at driving me to fits of tears when I get home. So, teaching is going okay. My love life is a bit more balanced, even though I am not in a committed relationship just yet. I have a few prospects. I think what I am truly looking for is someone who will support me and care for me they way my best friend does. While some friends think I should just date the best friend, that will NOT happen. The reason our loyalty, friendship, and deep emotions for each other work so well is this....there is NOTHING romantic there.

A New Chapter

Sometimes, I get these little reminders that everything happens for a reason.

My response to having my heart broken again was to sign up for two online dating services. The past week has been absolutely wonderful. I've talked with new people, met one new person, and then reconnected with a man I hadn't seen in 12 years - a college buddy of mine. We've hung out a couple of times and plan to get together again on Friday.

Reconnecting felt more like picking up where we left off the last time we talked. I so needed that right now, when I'm sort of reeling from having my heart broken AND trying to be who I always used to be.

Alone Again

I am very recently single again. There was no argument. I had no knowledge of the breakup until I logged into Facebook.

I started my day like any other Friday, working all day. When I came home and logged into Yahoo Messenger to talk to my boyfriend, he did not respond, which is not normal, so I logged into Facebook to see if he might be online there. The info on the top of my profile page read "In a relationship," but it did not list my boyfriend's name. I no longer saw him on my friends list, so I checked my messages since I knew we had had a conversation a couple of days ago and I wanted to click on a link to his profile.

I found the following:
SS: i've changed my "relationship status" to single... becuase I am not happy, I am very miserable
it has nothign to do with you, it is me... honestly... i dont know what I want to do anymore
i need time to figure out what the hell i am doing...


While the message was still there and I could click on his profile, he had unfriended me. I was extremely hurt. I love this man. I am attached to his three kids (remind me to not date someone who has kids).

I tried calling him, but he wouldn't take my call. This is not the behavior of a mature person who wants a meaningful relationship.

All-in-all, the day ended better. My former student teacher met me in Canton for a couple of drinks. My best friend was working at the restaurant where we met and ended up buying me a drink. At least I know SOME PEOPLE truly care about me.

I was supposed to take SS to a concert on Monday night. I already have the tickets. Now I need to find a new date ASAP.

New Finances

I met with a very cute and very charming finance guy today after work. We will be setting up my 403B account stuff on Monday.

One Year

So, March 14th this year definitely started out better than March 14th last year.

I kind of wish I had taken the day off of work today, though. My students were disrespectful, violent, and loud today. I was thoroughly ticked off. I had one student threaten me and I had security remove her. I kicked myself for not taking a "mental health day" today. I really could have used it.

I need a break.

I can't believe sometimes that I've made a full recovery from last March 14th's massive stroke.

TOO NEEDY?

Today, my boyfriend told me I am a bit too needy. This upset me. He's the one in constant contact.

If I sit on the far end of the couch, he has to comment about how far away I am. WTF?

TOO NEEDY?

Today, my boyfriend told me I am a bit too needy. This upset me. He's the one in constant contact.

Fibonacci Sequence

I have been testing myself with the Fibonacci sequence to make sure I am okay (google Fibonacci Number). I usually handwrite it and make additional notes to see if i can chart the changes in my though processes as my brain heals in this first year following my aneurysm rupture.

I struggled with this sequence in April 2011, which irritated me. My notes that I began writing then were, for teh most part, unintelligible. By May, I was listing notes that were mostly old-school arithmetic forms, complete with + and = symbols.

In July, I stopped writing the notes to myself, instead just focusing on the math itself and trying to keep all arithmetic inside my head.

In September I was too focused on my broken heart to check my math computation skills on my own. October was similar, but my psychological evaluation for work included math that followed the Fibonacci pattern. I liked being ready for a test like that.

In November, I began dating someone whose background in math and psychology lead to his own study of my abilities, emotions, etc. We were not a good match, overall, and we stopped dating in early December, but he started the Fibonacci sequence again. I had a few moments when I did not appear okay, so he felt the need to check my mental processing ability to figure out if I was suffering another stroke. I was not. I was overheated and nearly passed out while at his residence. After correctly calculating math sums, I was calm and was able to breathe normally, regain my composure, and go about my visit.

Now, months later, I find myself calculating math sums again. I am not writing it down, but I am articulating my thought process out loud. It's a strange thing to be saying to myself, but it seems to be helping me focus my attention.

Friends Again

So, my best friend and I were joking around on FB about writing the other off. In the middle of the conversation, he unfriended me. He added me back shortly thereafter, and we continued chatting.

I have such fears of abandonment. It's a little strange to be admitting something like that because I dislike many people.

Can we Pause Right Here?

I'm having an incredible week.

1. I returned to work on Monday. I was so moved with one class's outpouring of emotion over my return to them that I got misty-eyed at work.

The students have been working hard in my class, and my TA is actually pretty cool - she even said she'd be more than happy to help me with grading all the essays. I am pleased with everything related to work right now. It's such a change. The TA even found stuff my last sub said she had thrown inthe trash. It was crammed into file cabinets. It made my day!

2. My love life....well, I still have the boyfriend. I'm feeling like my anger from falltime is melting away, and I can live for us NOW and for us in the future. He is mending my broken heart quite well. I can't wait to see him in a few days!!!

3. Health exams continue to reveal me to be vibrant, healthy, and free of any more complications..... I did gain back some of my 2011 weight loss, but I am actually okay with it because I feel alive. I feel healthy. I considered taking up running again, but I did that a year ago, and I wound up having a stroke three months into the year. I'm not interested in repeated that. I will just focus on other things.

4. My hospital sent me a check. I'm not sure what it's for, but I'll be more than happy to cash it. We can always use a little kick-back, right?

5. I am finally excited to go to therapy after work tomorrow. I want my therapist to see what I'm like when I'm 100% happy.

Advice

I have a few friends who offer me advice on my life. I am just so bad at it lately.

One told me tonight that I just need to get past it - I experienced some things this year that were completely out of my control, and I need to accept that, process the emotions, and move the fuck on.

It's good advice, and very necessary advice for me to follow. I jsut don't knwo how to do this.


I'm half super thankful for these people telling me what I need to hear....I'm half angry. They don't fuckign understand waht sort of hell I've expereienced in the past year - how some things will NEVER be the same again.