If I let myself, I can make an even bigger mess than the one I created two years ago when I was going through hell. This time, though, I can't blame a severe vitamin deficiency creating a mental imbalance (and everyone thought I was just having fun...crazy looks like fun from the outside, but it truly isn't when you are the one experiencing it). Being unhappy with life and relationships didn't help matters much, either.
I suppose the mark of being stable is that I can make the choice to not F things up. I wish I would have taken better care of myself years ago. I wouldn't be in this empty, lonely, horrible place I am now. The fact that I can see the cause-and-effect relationships clearly now is good. I don't have to travel the same path twice.
I reached out today to someone today, but he wasn't able to help me. I don't know why I am surprised every time I repeat this (I should probably redefine what it means to be crazy or stupid). For some reason, I keep hoping that he will be different - that he will be able to provide with me the behaviors that will send me into that elevated place where I can say that he gets it - that he gets me - that everything works the way it is supposed to. Oh, well.
This next week and weekend are going to be busy. I return to work to go through MME testing. It's not going to be pleasant by any means. It should be okay, though. I'll manage. I have a performance with CCB on Saturday in Okemos and a performance with AACB on Sunday in Ann Arbor. I am feeling a little stressed because I also have someone's birthday to celebrate on Sunday, and an out-of-town friend will be coming back for the weekend to see family and friends. We've grown closer over the past couple of years, and I like that he really isn't the same as he was in high school. He has asked that we hang out, which is cool with me. I am determined to find a way to fit all of this fun into my weekend.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
McD's
I absolutely hate the McDonald's commercial with the people doing a choreographed hand-dance sequence because, supposedly, they are so thrilled about the Caramel Mocha. I feel embarrassed for the people who signed on for that advertisement. They will forever be linked to such a stupid marketing ploy.
The coffee drink may be delicious, but I am not inspired to find out. In fact, I want to boycott it because of the stupidity displayed in that commercial. I don't think I would be inspired by a more mature approach simply because I rarely visit McDonald's. I guess I just feel like complaining.
The coffee drink may be delicious, but I am not inspired to find out. In fact, I want to boycott it because of the stupidity displayed in that commercial. I don't think I would be inspired by a more mature approach simply because I rarely visit McDonald's. I guess I just feel like complaining.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Career Plans
I've been thinking about my career lately. It's not a career I truly anticipated upon graduating from college, but I was open to the possibility. I found, early on, that it was the right path for me to take. Now I worry that it isn't.
I'm not dissatisfied with the work that I do. I love teaching. I love helping young people mature through study, discussion, and practice. I love seeing them achieve more than they thought possible.
Rather, I find the constant cuts and changing measures of success problematic. If the target is always moving, it's difficult to plan. I know that, in life, targets are always moving, but sometimes in education, they aren't. The stakes are simply changed in an effort to suggest that students are not advancing. This means, in short, that if you raise the standard that has been accepted for years as "minimum," schools will no longer be considered effective, even though the graduates may be able to critically think about the world and apply all of the necessary skills for study for work. It comes down to dollars.
The reasons I am considering leaving this field have to do with money and expectations.
The money issue is quite simple. I can barely afford to pay my bills now, and I live very frugally. I often go without things I know I need because I know that I cannot afford them. It has taken a toll through the years. There are more cuts expected - not because we have fewer students but because legislators seem to think that public school teachers have been earning too much. My ten-month salary in no way resembles what others earn in ten months in any other field with my level of education. I am required to take classes, earn additional certifications and degrees, but I have to pay for them out of my own pocket. I have to attend conferences, etc., on my own dime. I am not given adequate resources in the classroom, so I have to purchase them with my own money. I bring most of my work home with me so that I can finish what is impossible to complete during my workday. I do not receive compensation for this. I've done the research, and I'd actually earn more per year in a variety of different fields for which I am qualified. I'd have to give up the two-month "vacation," every summer, but I end up having to take classes, anyway, so it's really not a vacation at all. Oh, my retirement actually won't exist by the time I am old enough to retire, despite having purchase the five-year's credit because my first five years of teaching were not in this system.
The second reason has to do with expectations. All expectations for student success are placed on teachers - NOT administrators, school board members, parents, or the students themselves. I may see a student for a total of five hours each week, if they have good attendance, and I have to compete with cell phones, socializing, etc. I do the best I can. I show up early and stay late (very late most of the week). I give up my lunch break when students need extra help and will not show up outside of school hours. I put responsibility on my students' shoulders. This is now frowned upon by school leaders and parents. I want to be part of the good fight, but when I am expected to somehow teach (raise) someone else's child without some sort of support, it makes me distrust the entire system.
I don't know if this is just an especially bad year or if I really should be venturing back out into the career fairs, etc. I am thinking, though, that something's got to give. I don't know how much more I can take.
At least music is taking over my life again. I might be well-practiced enough to audition for a small professional orchestra somewhere. I could be okay with a 10-hour a week gig, with concerts, if I have another decent-paying job that will allow me to do that.
I'm not dissatisfied with the work that I do. I love teaching. I love helping young people mature through study, discussion, and practice. I love seeing them achieve more than they thought possible.
Rather, I find the constant cuts and changing measures of success problematic. If the target is always moving, it's difficult to plan. I know that, in life, targets are always moving, but sometimes in education, they aren't. The stakes are simply changed in an effort to suggest that students are not advancing. This means, in short, that if you raise the standard that has been accepted for years as "minimum," schools will no longer be considered effective, even though the graduates may be able to critically think about the world and apply all of the necessary skills for study for work. It comes down to dollars.
The reasons I am considering leaving this field have to do with money and expectations.
The money issue is quite simple. I can barely afford to pay my bills now, and I live very frugally. I often go without things I know I need because I know that I cannot afford them. It has taken a toll through the years. There are more cuts expected - not because we have fewer students but because legislators seem to think that public school teachers have been earning too much. My ten-month salary in no way resembles what others earn in ten months in any other field with my level of education. I am required to take classes, earn additional certifications and degrees, but I have to pay for them out of my own pocket. I have to attend conferences, etc., on my own dime. I am not given adequate resources in the classroom, so I have to purchase them with my own money. I bring most of my work home with me so that I can finish what is impossible to complete during my workday. I do not receive compensation for this. I've done the research, and I'd actually earn more per year in a variety of different fields for which I am qualified. I'd have to give up the two-month "vacation," every summer, but I end up having to take classes, anyway, so it's really not a vacation at all. Oh, my retirement actually won't exist by the time I am old enough to retire, despite having purchase the five-year's credit because my first five years of teaching were not in this system.
The second reason has to do with expectations. All expectations for student success are placed on teachers - NOT administrators, school board members, parents, or the students themselves. I may see a student for a total of five hours each week, if they have good attendance, and I have to compete with cell phones, socializing, etc. I do the best I can. I show up early and stay late (very late most of the week). I give up my lunch break when students need extra help and will not show up outside of school hours. I put responsibility on my students' shoulders. This is now frowned upon by school leaders and parents. I want to be part of the good fight, but when I am expected to somehow teach (raise) someone else's child without some sort of support, it makes me distrust the entire system.
I don't know if this is just an especially bad year or if I really should be venturing back out into the career fairs, etc. I am thinking, though, that something's got to give. I don't know how much more I can take.
At least music is taking over my life again. I might be well-practiced enough to audition for a small professional orchestra somewhere. I could be okay with a 10-hour a week gig, with concerts, if I have another decent-paying job that will allow me to do that.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Setting a Precedent
Some friends of mine had something to say about someone else who wasn't at a recent gathering. I felt the need to defend him, even though what they were saying could be seen as true from an outside perspective. They said that he isn't happy unless he is complaining.
I was very bothered by this because I have been around this individual when he's been happy, and I didn't like that others couldn't see him that way. I jumped in to defend him and then realized that my reality and friendship with this person are quite different from others' realities and friendships with him. I felt honored that I know him differently, but I also felt stupid that I assumed everyone must see this side of him.
In any case, I hate being thrown into that role - as defender - because other people want to discuss someone who isn't there to defend him- or herself. It doesn't make for the most enjoyable gatherings, but when people know where some limits are, I suppose it sets the tone for what is right and wrong. I guess I don't mind being the person who sets that precedent.
I was very bothered by this because I have been around this individual when he's been happy, and I didn't like that others couldn't see him that way. I jumped in to defend him and then realized that my reality and friendship with this person are quite different from others' realities and friendships with him. I felt honored that I know him differently, but I also felt stupid that I assumed everyone must see this side of him.
In any case, I hate being thrown into that role - as defender - because other people want to discuss someone who isn't there to defend him- or herself. It doesn't make for the most enjoyable gatherings, but when people know where some limits are, I suppose it sets the tone for what is right and wrong. I guess I don't mind being the person who sets that precedent.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Socks & a Solid Man
"I could see all kinds of sock."
Christine said this about Aaron's shorter-than-normal pants when they went to a concert on Friday night. Christine doesn't mince words, and I could almost hear the conversation she must have had with him when she saw his fashion faux pas. She said that she waited until he brought it up, which he did. I don't know what would possess him to bring up his own poor sense when he is doing everything in his power to impress her.
On a related note, Rob M. called me that night to make me aware of Aaron's pursuit of Christine. Rob has become quite the friend. I cannot express how much it meant to me that he was looking out for her, how he paid attention to the irritated and uncomfortable expression on her face, and how he made sure he got a hold me to keep her safe.
Most of my friends have retreated from me last year. It hurts knowing that people just don't want to be around me, but I know that I burned some bridges during my less-than-stable portion of my life. It sucks that since regaining stability and direction, other people don't want to be around me as much. Perhaps I am not as easily influenced, and therefore, not as fun for others. I will take and cherish these newer friends. They are probably better for me, anyway.
Christine said this about Aaron's shorter-than-normal pants when they went to a concert on Friday night. Christine doesn't mince words, and I could almost hear the conversation she must have had with him when she saw his fashion faux pas. She said that she waited until he brought it up, which he did. I don't know what would possess him to bring up his own poor sense when he is doing everything in his power to impress her.
On a related note, Rob M. called me that night to make me aware of Aaron's pursuit of Christine. Rob has become quite the friend. I cannot express how much it meant to me that he was looking out for her, how he paid attention to the irritated and uncomfortable expression on her face, and how he made sure he got a hold me to keep her safe.
Most of my friends have retreated from me last year. It hurts knowing that people just don't want to be around me, but I know that I burned some bridges during my less-than-stable portion of my life. It sucks that since regaining stability and direction, other people don't want to be around me as much. Perhaps I am not as easily influenced, and therefore, not as fun for others. I will take and cherish these newer friends. They are probably better for me, anyway.
Gorillas
At the end of every work day, I meet with two teachers whose classrooms are near my own. We share the ridiculous moments of the day, the struggles we need help with, and general complaints about dealing with adolescents.
On Friday, I worked late. Really late. Part of it was grading student work. Another part was hanging out with the custodian Ronnie who cleans my room. We've struck up a nice friendship this year. While I was still grading student work, Liz stopped by to share her amazement with some students she has in class. She had taken them to the computer lab to do some research. Now, her students are primarily twelfth graders. She was circulating throughout the computer lab area and overheard two students discussing a topic not related to their assigned task. Naturally, she listened to figure out how to approach the subject of putting them back on task without causing a scene.
"Are gorillas real?"
"Yeah, I think so. I think I saw one at a zoo once. But they might not be."
She said both students went silent and began working on the assignment again.
Now, I understand that our students come from different backgrounds, but it shocks me when a 17- or 18-year-old has no idea whether or not a gorilla is an actual animal. Something has happened in our culture that has allowed students to float in a state of make-believe and has provided very little exposure to the natural world.
I will admit that I have spent the last two days chuckling over this absurd dialogue that Liz swears is true.
I'm left wondering, though, if I mentioned it to Ronnie. He would get a kick out of that.
I can imagine myself asking tomorrow, "Hey, Ronnie, did we talk about gorillas on Friday?"
He'd probably respond with questioning look and say no.
I'd then tell him that if he makes it to my room before I leave, he has to remind me to talk to him about gorillas.
On Friday, I worked late. Really late. Part of it was grading student work. Another part was hanging out with the custodian Ronnie who cleans my room. We've struck up a nice friendship this year. While I was still grading student work, Liz stopped by to share her amazement with some students she has in class. She had taken them to the computer lab to do some research. Now, her students are primarily twelfth graders. She was circulating throughout the computer lab area and overheard two students discussing a topic not related to their assigned task. Naturally, she listened to figure out how to approach the subject of putting them back on task without causing a scene.
"Are gorillas real?"
"Yeah, I think so. I think I saw one at a zoo once. But they might not be."
She said both students went silent and began working on the assignment again.
Now, I understand that our students come from different backgrounds, but it shocks me when a 17- or 18-year-old has no idea whether or not a gorilla is an actual animal. Something has happened in our culture that has allowed students to float in a state of make-believe and has provided very little exposure to the natural world.
I will admit that I have spent the last two days chuckling over this absurd dialogue that Liz swears is true.
I'm left wondering, though, if I mentioned it to Ronnie. He would get a kick out of that.
I can imagine myself asking tomorrow, "Hey, Ronnie, did we talk about gorillas on Friday?"
He'd probably respond with questioning look and say no.
I'd then tell him that if he makes it to my room before I leave, he has to remind me to talk to him about gorillas.
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