My Saturday To-Do List

Grade Essays
Wash / Dry / Put Away Dishes
Wash / Dry / Fold / Iron / Put Away Clothes
Clean Kitchen
Move all teaching materials into basement for storage
Search for and apply for jobs
Get the information to set up an appointment with Michigan Works
Get all my ducks in a row for my lay-off
Clean the living room
Clean the bathroom
Make my bed (new sheets day!)
Sort clothes for donation
Find all BHS materials to return (teaching resource books, etc.)
Exercise (either outside or at the gym)
Count calories
Clean bedroom
Clean spare room
Straighten boxes in basement
Play the ukulele
Practice band music (especially the mallet parts)
water plants
call relatives
call friends
go out at night

My name is...

Death of the Party

I decided against going out last night. I really wanted to hang out with Bob, but going to watch a three-hour movie that started at midnight did not seem like the best way to spend time with a friend. I was getting ready to go out when I started to feel weak. It happens from time to time, and I try to just force myself to get out and try to do something. This time, though, I had to admit defeat and stay home. The last time I felt that weak was the bridal gown and bridesmaid dress event for Maureen. I was nearly falling asleep at David's Bridal, so I decided to it would be best to not put myself in a position to fall asleep at the wheel while driving home from Royal Oak.

Flamingos

Is it my imagination or did life suddenly start to move at lightning speed? The past month has flown by. I've been completely wrapped up in things at work, as well as things caused by work. My health is getting better. I feel incredibly tired today and I want to take a nap, but that will throw off everything I have planned for my three-day weekend.

I am thinking about going out tonight. The Killer Flamingos are playing at Double Six Lounge in Novi tonight and Cowley's in Farmington tomorrow night. I don't know how much cover is, but I am considering going to one or the other. I should see what Maureen is up to. I hate going out alone.

I need to get a few things in order at home before venturing out, though. I am just afraid that I will turn it into a massive cleaning and packing weekend - I always feel as though I've wasted my time when I do that.

NZ?

Next stop: New Zealand?

I am looking into employment in other places. New Zealand has jumped back up on my list. I want to finish my master's degree first, so the timing might be right for a move next June or July. I will keep you all posted.

MRSA

I had an interesting day. During second period, I had to move my class to another room because the custodial staff needed to disinfect my room. One of my students has MRSA. She is being hospitalized due to the severity of the infection - and it is not just contained to a specific area of her body. It's everywhere - arms, legs, scalp, face, mouth...everywhere.

The doctors are hopeful that she will recover, but it could easily go the other way. I don't know quite how to feel about this. I am not particularly close with this student, but the thought that she might not return next week or ever again(she has not been responding well to medical treatment because her diabetes prevents her from being able to take medication, etc.) is starting to hit me.

I am attached to these kids. They are a huge part of my life. I've lost two students in the past, and the loss still makes me cry. I don't know how to go about losing another. These kids have provided me stability at a time in my life when I feel completely unstable.

A return to closed-mouth, conservative communication

This past week has been quite a test for me. I have avoided certain people (mostly, anyway) and certain activities that prevent me from putting my life back together in this single context. There have been days in which I have turned off my phone for the duration of the day, just because I know I will call people I shouldn't. In the time it takes for my phone to reboot, I can usually talk myself out of the call. This reflection time is about me, and I need to not distract myself with the wants and needs of others.

Last weekend, I helped Melissa and Eric move. I had shown up the previous weekend and helped with what I could before we decided to call it a day and plan for the next weekend. I was more than happy to help. Yes, moving is difficult, but it has to be done, and I didn't have anything planned for myself, anyway. My friends usually don't help me at all whenever I move. Some offer, but when I actually make the plans, they are all too busy. That really speaks to who my true friends are, huh? Because of that move, I think Melissa's parents see me differently. I didn't complain or whine. I just moved things in an assembled furniture. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Melissa's mom told her to take note of who actually made themselves available and helped (both weekends!). So, now I am left with this nagging question...why do I not rank higher on Melissa's list of friends on MySpace. It seems like such a stupid thing for me to focus on, but my self-esteem has taken a beating for some time now, and I keep looking outside of myself for a pick-me-up.

It's weird. I don't get it. I don't know why I can recognize my faulty logic but not escape it. I don't feel melancholy about this, though. Am I just accepting this quality in myself, even though I don't want to?


I rank very high on Maureen's list. No. 2 is wonderful. That probably explains why she asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I am worried about planning a speech, as well as planning the bachelorette party - No, I am NOT taking her to see male strippers! I am morally opposed to such activities, and I will not take part in such things. I may need to have Carolyn step in for that sort of thing. And no, this is not a time for my friends to tell me to "lighten up" or "get over it" when it comes to those things. I respect your values, and I expect you to respect mine.

I guess this post is turning into a rant. I didn't mean for it to be a rant.

From all the years of my life, I suppose I was the most comfortable form of myself when I lived in Paw Paw. I followed my own direction. I was comfortable with small-town life and meeting friends in slightly larger Kalamazoo. I was out walking in nature daily. I spent a lot of time in an old Revolutionary War cemetery near my home. I was calm. I wrote a lot. I visited wineries. I was not battered with too many options or friends telling me what they think I should do rather than listening to what I want for myself and helping me attain it. I felt confident in my teaching. I felt confident in my personal life. I did yoga regularly. How do I find this again? How do I sustain it in this failing economy, emotional roller-coaster situation that has been my love life, and new stresses related to work and grad school?

a few things

This week I visited and viewed my uncle's condo in Ann Arbor. I am all for living there - as long as I am allowed to paint as I please (I am very conservative with this sort of thing). The place definitely needs some work, well, some serious scrubbing. I want to suggest to my uncle that he hire a professional cleaning company for the job, as he has not really the kept his vacant second home in tip-top shape.

I would be excited to have a yard, albeit a tiny one. I can make the place look wonderful; I know that. I just need to find myself a job so that I can afford to live there. If I get a job north of Detroit, though, I will either stay where I am or move northward. I need to get this all figured out soon. My lease is almost up, and everything is so expensive.


I've been working on me lately, which hasn't been quite the crisis situation I thought it would be. The vitamins seem to keep me in check, which is great. I don't feel irrational or moody or confused when I remember to take them every day. My doctors have said that if I just continue taking vitamins, I should never have to be on medication for imbalances, etc., because all appears normal now. I wasn't "normal" earlier this year.

The angular cheilitis is under control now. Lucky for me, it didn't result in the scary pictures one sees on the internet. Instead, I just had redness at the corners of my mouth with small cracks. It's not contagious, nor is it something that I will necessarily suffer from in the future. As long as I continue taking B vitamins daily and protecting my lips better in times of stress and during the winter months, I should not have to deal with the pain or the unsightly things (not that many even noticed them. Mine didn't extend far from the lines of my mouth.). I'm so happy it's not some crazy thing like cold sores or something worse. My mom and my sister (and many of my cousins) get this during the winter. Pale-skinned, vitamin-deficient, women between the ages of 24 and 32 tend to get this fairly regularly. Does this make me more "normal?"


The job search continues. I have a few friends doing everything in their power to help me, which is wonderful. I just don't know what I would do if I couldn't find anything.

Ann Arbor

I forgot to take my vitamins today. I noticed a marked difference. It was difficult to stay on task. I had a killer headache. I was somewhat irritable. I suppose it could have just been the weather system affecting me, but it seems awfully coincidental.

I went to see my uncle's condo. I am all for living there. It needs some work (and a crap load of vigorous, intensive cleaning), but it will be a much better setup for me. It has 3 nicely-sized bedrooms upstairs, 1.5 baths, a full basement, complete with an office, a punching bag that will stay hanging in another section of the basement, a small but wonderful fenced-in yard, a fireplace, and a much better (recently remodeled) kitchen with room for a table. It is approximately 1300 square feet, not including the basement. That would be much better...and the real deal? My uncle will only charge me what I am paying now. That is a steal, especially for Ann Arbor!

I just need to make sure I have a job that will make it possible to live there.

I really do enjoy cleaning, and this place really needs it. I would really like to help update some things before moving in. I know my uncle and his wife would be doing a bunch of things, but part of me really wants in on the decision-making regarding paint color, etc. I will gladly help with all work, just to have some control. I would really like to rip out some of the wall paper. I'm good at that sort of thing. My current place doesn't really have the "look" I normally would give my home, but Jeremy and I thought that this place was only going to be temporary (meaning a home for one year), so we didn't change anything.

I am certain my uncle will be impressed with what I'd like to do to his condo. The property WILL be improved while I live there, both by me and by my dad, who has said he will definitely help out with modifications, etc.

I want my dad to check the stability of the second-floor balcony. It seems to be okay, but I just want him to check for me.

Let's all keep our fingers crossed for me - I really need a job that anchors me in the area. I have a few leads in the Ann Arbor area...although I'd love one of the advertised jobs in Oakland and Macomb counties.

Okay

I've been doing much better these last few days. I think the daily (over)dose of vitamins is doing the trick - I feel a lot more stable, although I do have moments here and there when I feel somewhat anxious. My tests all came back normal, which is so wonderful. I am hoping that I can get myself back on track - well, on a new track, as my job is evaporating and I will be moving soon.

I am sorting out a lot of my feelings. I still have more work to do, but things are moving in the right direction (sort of a foreign concept for me this calendar year).

Oh, I did learn that drinking green tea a lot last fall may have contributed to my health problems - not only does it cause kidney stones for me, I become quite dehydrated. That creates a scenario in which I actually lose vitamins because of the diuretic nature of tea.

Because of this imbalance, I felt unable to cope with relationship problems in a positive way, as well as many other things. I couldn't get organized or set a routine. I was drinking a lot more than usual to "numb" myself and keep up the facade that I was enjoying life a lot more than I actually was.


I am considering eliminating my blogs, my MySpace account, and other things that are out there.