Hello, Universe. I see you again.

Tonight marked the first marching band reunion. A handful of people showed up, and it was wonderful to sit and talk with people I haven't seen in years.

I was truly thrilled when I saw a familiar non-band face. Jeff P. and I have been out of contact since our graduation (he and I were paired for the stage part of commencement). We sat and talked, and I cannot tell how thrilling it was to talk to him. He was planning to meet a couple of his friends (one showed up for a few minutes - it was Rob C.!). I talked with both of them for a couple of minutes. I really felt as though the universe was putting me where I belong. I notice this phenomenon every so often when coincidences fall into place.

Later conversation with some of the guests of our own party made me feel connected to something greater. Todd S. and I spoke of our shared students (he at the middle school last year and I at the high school this year).


I was right where I was supposed to be...and it was a sensation that will help me to make decisions this upcoming year.

Is There Anybody Out There?

I am spending Christmas Day alone. My family gathered last night at my place for dinner. I didn't think I would feel so depressed right now. I don't feel like I am a part of anything like I should be today.

Instead, I am sitting in near silence with my cats. I keep adding wood the fire (I do love having a fireplace), and I am hoping some friends (or, even, my parents) just stop by. I have plenty of food and wine, and it would be nice to share in some holiday cheer.

Perhaps I will just nap away the day.

I can drink and be merry tomorrow when I meet a bunch of old friends in Plymouth. Today will be my rest day.

2009 coming a close

It's time to take stock of our lives again, folks. It's time to decide what things need work, what things need to be left behind, and what we will make for our future.

For me, 2010 will include:
Earning my MA in April
Bridal showers
Two weddings (I will be a bridesmaid again.)
Lay-off from work in June (It's much easier to stomach knowing that this will happen year after year for a while.)
A new place to hang out in Farmington Hills (a good friend just got his own place there).


If I choose from my present, I could have:
A relationship with my ex, but I'd have to cut off all contact with someone else (and stop attending things that I enjoy on the off-chance that the someone else might be there). There are so many reasons why I stayed with him over the past decade. Many of those reasons are rooted in the foundation that is us.
A relationship with the someone else. I fear I would keep pushing this person in ways that he is not altogether familiar - I don't like standing still, and I see that as a potential problem.
A life being truly single with no one occupying my time.
A relationship with someone brand new, but I have major trust issues and cannot fully get into a relationship with anyone who is not, at least, a friend for a long period of time.

I haven't yet decided what it is that I will not have in 2010. That is where the work truly starts.

Day One

Day One of my holiday vacation. So far, I haven't really accomplished anything. Instead, I am wrapped up in a blanket. My cold from a couple of weeks ago is still lingering, and today it feels worse. I am coughing more than usual, and my head hurts.

I will not be attending The Underdog's show tonight. I was considering going, but not feeling well has since removed it from my to-do list. I'd rather stay home and get some much-needed rest.

Fed Up

I've been listening to someone recently who keeps saying how he wants something more than what he has. I asked if he wanted my help since I spend every day helping people get where they plan to go. He said yes. I offer information, guidance, resources, etc. He does absolutely nothing with any of these things, telling me I don't understand. He doesn't like that I have a plan to help him move beyond his excuses.

I unleashed some of my frustration at this person today over the phone when I, once again, was trying to show him how to go about doing something that he says he wants to do. When he came back with the same stupid excuses that don't actually follow logic, I pointed out that he is just lazy and not willing to work toward anything better. I told him I have no sympathy for him. He is determined to stay at the bottom of the food chain. I told him that if he truly wants something better, he is the one who has to change because the world isn't going to change for him.

He became angry with me, and I understand that he truly wants me to believe that he is incapable of doing anything more productive with his life. I offer no pity, and that probably frustrated him further.

I just truly believe that we are ultimately responsible for the situations of our life. Those who choose to not go to school and move up the economic ladder make that choice by not seeking out avenues for loans, No Worker Left Behind programs, and other work-study options. Those who stick around in the same job that offers no medical benefits packages and no training funds get no sympathy, either. Minimum wage jobs are out there that do offer these things to their employees. One just has to seek them out and be professional enough to land the job.

Beyond this, there are cost-saving methods that will allow for one to squirrel money away. Rebates for products, necessary services, and medications help. One just has to keep track of everything. Not buying frivolous things that do not serve to shelter or feed someone will help. Creating a skill or craft that is easy, i.e. knitting. People spend all kinds of money on homemade scarves at craft shows. Yes, men are not typically knitters, but it is simple and can be done while watching TV, talking on the phone, etc. Six dollars in yarn can net fifteen to twenty dollars for some sort of product. Granted that factors one's time into it, but if you are doing something else for yourself during that time, it's a win-win situation.

Selling unused items at sales, on ebay, or through Amazon works well. People are always looking for things, and it is nice to get money for the stuff you don't plan to use ever again.

Get a second job! If you have the time, then earn some extra cash for those items in the future that you know you will need.

Volunteer with an organization. While the pay is absolutely terrible, organizations will routinely train their people in some area, so you can learn a trade or something and use that for a later job.

Check the continuing education classes at local schools. I decided in 1999 or 2000 to take Jeremy on a date. We went to a forklift training class that was offered through KVCC for %5.00 each. We both enjoyed a hearty breakfast and a hearty lunch (definitely worth more than $5.00!!!) and gained a certification we could take with us to a job, if necessary. It was boring in parts, but we learned something new. I even found an error in operator usage with maximum weight loads and helped change the legal regulations (am I awesome or what!?!).

No Worker Left Behind is an incredible program and is completely free. There is no excuse to not use it if you are earning less than 40K.

Use coupons whenever possible.

Save change and actually use it to buy things you need.

Join a local freecycle or ecycle group on yahoo to find items that other people are simply discarding before they turn it into trash. The WesternWayne one is great, as well as the two A2 groups. People request things and other people offer. All one has to do is contact the people. It's wonderful. I received grapevines that I planted in my backyard. I am excited because the guy was just going to throw them in the compost heap. I was able to salvage something that may just result in fresh grapes in my own backyard.

What a frustrating day!

Irritation

Everything is irritating me today. I feel like shutting everyone out for a while.

The Universe and Cough Drops

I have a cold. It's not the worst cold I've ever suffered through, but every cold is miserable to some extent. I feel that I wasted all of my Saturday. I drank lots of fluids and slept most of the day.

I woke early this morning and bundled up to walk myself to the store for cold medicine. I prefer Advil Cold & Sinus, so I headed to the pharmacy area, silently hoping I wouldn't have to go through all of the hassle of showing an ID, signing a statement, etc., but no such luck. The woman scanning everything couldn't seem to get things moving quickly, which is quite bothersome when one is already feeling irritable and uncomfortable.

I was pleased with myself for having walked to the store. I was also pleased that, when I reached home, I brought in the glass top for my patio furniture as well as the umbrella. I have been putting that off for some time now. I think I was hoping for more unseasonably warm days. I have yet to bring in the chairs, table stand, and umbrella stand. I don't yet have a place for those items in my basement.

I took a couple of the Advil pills and sat down to read the post cards on Postsecret. I started this Sunday morning ritual years ago, always searching for my secret - NOT that I have ever sent one in, but one from someone else who simply has experienced the same things and feels the same about life right now. I still have not found anyone that matches completely. It makes me feel alone.

Perhaps I should write in. I don't know what I would say, though. I have a tendency to blurt things out, even when I know what I say will hurt others. I don't like holding back.

My major problem is that I don't know where I belong. Do I belong in some other country at this point in my life? Do I belong here? Who am I supposed to spend New Year's Eve with? How will I know if I am making the right choices for my life? I'm constantly unsure of myself. I cannot recall a time when I felt so uncertain. Do I really want to keep teaching in K-12? Do I care enough to teach? Why do I feel empty at work? Why am I holding other people's secrets? Why do I have to keep them secret in my decision-making process for everything in my life? I feel weighed down by other people's circumstances, and yes, while I do believe that we are ultimately responsible for any and all of the garbage we are in as individuals, I can't help but feel that my emotions and my logic are constantly battling over these things.

The Advil has kicked in. I know this because I am starting to cry. I wish that medication affected me in normal ways - just alleviating symptoms of different ailments. Lucky me, everything has an odd effect. Sudafed makes me giggly and unable to focus on things. It makes my ears ring, as well. NyQuil keeps me awake. DayQuil makes me shaky and drowsy, but it's difficult to fall asleep without having nightmares. Benadryl makes my eyes hurt. Tylenol makes my stomach ache. Advil makes me weepy. Cough drops discolor my teeth and wear away the enamel very quickly (my dentist has told me I shouldn't use them at all). Store brands also have funky effects, too. I should submit to testing at U of M or something. I'm sure that I probably have some weird chemistry in my brain or some hormone is not being produced the right way. In any case, I think I will enjoy my sobbing because I can still move around and get some work done.

Sorry for the rant. It's been a while.

Oh, universe, please give me a sign. Tell me what I am supposed to do with my life.

Wonky

I feel all wonky inside today. I'm not sure what is causing this sensation. I cannot focus on anything for long periods of time. I don't seem to care about the things I need to do. Damned wonkiness!

HOPE

I have found hope again. Don't ask me how. Perhaps it was the poster of Pandora that I found outside my classroom door that has found a new home on a shelf in the back...I don't know. All I do know is that I have found joy in life again, as well as hope for my own future.


I like that I have friends who see what I see, even when other friends are blind to it.

...and

I plan to walk tomorrow...
...and rake the leaves in my yard.
...and clean the glass top of my patio table.
...and work on revisions that Dale sends me.
...and fold, iron, hang, and put away all of my clean clothes.
...and call my sister.
...and take the bookcase upstairs.
...and set up my desk.
...and complete my lesson plans.
...and submit my lesson plans.
...and print some of my photography.
...and hang some pictures.
...and rearrange my living room.
...and vacuum everything.
...and measure my windows for new blinds.
...and go grocery shopping.
...and clean my kitchen.
...and clean both of my bathrooms.
...and go shopping for decor.
...and listen to music.
...and practice my band music.
...and make healthy meals.
...and harvest the seeds from my pumpkin.
...and hang a curtain rod in my music room.
...and install my new shower curtain rod.
...and visit with someone at some point.
...and find a repair shop for my cuckoo clock.
...and read some of the research texts I bought for my final master's project.
...and start the binder for my graduate reading course.
...and paint the wall trim in the dining room.
...and write.
...and smile.
...and make my daily list.
...and buy a newspaper.
...and do my homework for my graduate writing class.
...and go far.

Patio Furniture

I feel down, but I feel even worse for being down when so much of my life is decent. Other people have gone through, and are going through, so much more turmoil than I could ever possibly imagine. I want to put everything into perspective properly, but it's difficult when I try to map things out for myself, whether it be a life goal or simply plans for the evening, and others disregard me or forget me.

I snapped at someone on the phone today and then abruptly ended the call. This person did not necessarily deserve the treatment, but I was irritated and hurt. I don't know that this person knows enough about me to leave me alone for a while to build myself back up. I assume that most people don't enjoy confrontation, so I doubt that this particular person will rush to fix my wounded pride.

I have felt a little down all day, and this situation was a blow to my ego. I called a few people who always make me feel better, even though I know that their soul purpose in life is not just to make me feel better. I suppose I was just trying to reach out to my support system. I do that now. I didn't before, and I wound up having even more problems. No one answered.

I'm just going to go sit at my freshly painted patio table in my backyard for a while.

Manic Monday

I'm feeling oddly great after a day with a few ups and downs. I have become so irritated with one particular class that I've decided that I will just start my final graduate research project using this particular group of characters. I am looking forward to a brand new style of teaching that will, hopefully, address the wide range of needs with this group of talkative, disrespectful, annoying, overly active ninth grade students.

Students, both male and female, used to be able to sit in chairs and learn. What happened? Why do I do this for a living? I could have gone into advertising or photography or music or science. Maybe I should leave teaching for something that would allow me to work with adults. I know there are problems everywhere, but I am so tired of dealing with bad parenting meets the high school classroom scenarios.


I went grocery shopping (I bought Blue Moon ice cream!!!). I saw my cousin Corey working the cash register, but I didn't say hello. I figured he probably needed to focus on the huge line of people. I had a rickety cart, too, which made it difficult to maneuver back to where he was. I just pressed on and tried to enjoy my drive home.

Coupons!

Coupon-clipping day. I love coupons.

Dinner

Because I slept through my normal dinner time (plus work time, exercise time, and ukulele group time), I am eating dinner now.

On the plate:

grits with garlic salt and Parmesan cheese
Broccoli-cheddar-potato pierogies sauteed in margarine, onions, and herbs
thinly-sliced tomato with basil and spices


Dessert tonight:

one serving of Banana-flavored Yoplait yogurt
strawberries

Not there

I'm not at the anger stage. I want to be, but I'm not. It's unclear if I will reach that or if I will linger in this place of great depression and disappointment. Aaron's been really nice to me lately, checking on me and trying to get me to focus on the things in my life that are positive.

I honestly feel like part of me is missing. The void in my soul is not going to heal itself quickly.

I need to get back to grading papers. At least there is still hope for these young people.

I was recalled to work this week, so things have been hectic with grad school and all. Overall, the transition was good.

Friday hit with all the force of a train. Jeremy decided that whatever notions of romantic reconciliation we were hovering around are now a thing of the past. This is extremely devastating to me. The truly awful thing is that he did this over the phone. I know I have done that in that past, due to immaturity, physical distance, lack of a substantial relationship, and sheer cowardice, but I expected so much more from him, especially after everything we were to each other. He and I have been involved since 2000. I guess he didn't want to legitimize the relationship.

I really want to talk to my dad, but he and my mom left for France yesterday afternoon. They won't be back for a week.

Tired

I feel lonely. Looking back over the past two years, my life has really unraveled. Maureen, Melissa, and I are closer now, but the men whom I have been closest to this year and last are nowhere near where they were before.

I really destroyed a deep trust with one. Another doesn't talk to me anymore, which is both good and bad. Another was just left hurt and alone.

I'm still a mess. I'm trying to tread water, and most of the time, it works. I spend a lot of time crying, which I understand is part of the process, but I hate allowing myself the time to act in such a defeatist and childish way.

I just want everything to return to the way it was a long time ago, but I know that that is not possible. Knowing this, however, does not stop the longing.


My job search is still yielding nothing. I am tired of hearing great responses from those who interview me. I am tired of hearing how great I am and how much they know I will bring to the position. I am tired of all of the accolades for what I've accomplished leading to no job.

Fall into place

My parents visited on Sunday. My mother was ill and cranky. That's almost never a good thing when she is around me. My mother is judgmental and criticizes a lot when she feels great, so when she feels rotten it becomes her goal to make me feel like I just don't measure up. At this time in my life, I already feel as though I don't measure up the way I should. My mother's constant remarks and "suggestions" only serve to make me collapse inward as I did earlier this year. I haven't yet learned of a way to ignore her. I haven't found a way to take it gracefully, either.

Some of my friends have great relationships with their mothers. They are close. They share interests. When I look at my own mother, I wonder how it is that I came from this woman who I only resemble in physical features. I have my father's interests, abilities, and temperament. I often wonder how it is that he doesn't snap.

Someone recommended to me that I really spend some time focusing on specific issues, one at a time. This seems like very general advice, but this person helped me to focus on prioritizing the many issues in my life. Many of my problems stem from the loss of employment. Once I find stable employment again, everything else will probably start to fall into place.



The relationship failures this year are my fault. There are circumstances surrounding both of the situations that I cannot and will not share, but suffice it to say that I am the one who truly messed up everything. My own inability to cope with the forces that I perceive as threatening plays a tremendous role in this.

Separation

I am separating myself from the confusing parts of my life. I am attempting to focus on the things I need to - getting a job, staying sane, organizing my home.

I've been trying to get out a little more, and there have been a few days of fun, but mostly I leave this place and head straight to interviews. Not fun.


Who's up for some roller skating or bowling or salsa dancing?

Ending on a Positive

Things weigh heavily on me when most of my life is out of balance. I cannot escape thoughts about how I no longer measure up to my old standards (or the standards of others).

The easiest way out is not an easy choice, even though I think of it often.

NWLB = pretty much a dead-end for me
employment = no job
music = no inspiration
writing = complaints about how rotten my life is right now (who really wants to read that!?!)
love = who knows? I don't. Both Maureen and Melissa are headed toward marriage. I feel more and more depressed each day.
grad school = excellent grades, but no money to go
life = hell, but there's always death to look forward to
money = the root of many evils

Ending on a positive: I just saved a bundle on my car (and renter's) insurance with MEEMIC.

Emotions

I've been sitting here most of the night crying. I haven't done this in a while, and it feels absolutely terrible.

Failure is the only word that really sums up my view of myself. I still cannot find a job. I started collecting unemployment, which makes me feel like everything I never wanted to be. I thought I could wait out the summer and find work. I didn't want to collect. I didn't want to be a burden on society.

The anger in me doesn't know where to go. I'm angry at my district for their foolish mismanagement of funds. I'm angry at my school for not having their shit together to know how many teachers they'd need (didn't the kids register for classes in March? I remember them using my class period to register!). I'm angry at myself for taking the job at this school in 2006. I'm even more angry at all of the principals I have met with who have decided on other candidates with less experience (it all comes down to money, doesn't it? Who cares about employing someone who has been teaching for seven years and has been nominated for various teaching awards?).

I'm living in the money pit. My dad has been wonderful helping out here, but my uncle is still stupid when it comes to actually maintaining this place. He doesn't seem to think he is required to provide me with working plumbing, working air and heat, windows that close and latch, etc. I'm trying to be patient, but come on! He knew many months ago that I would be moving in, but did he fix things? No. He waited until I moved in and complained that I didn't have a working sink and hot water and A/C when the thermostat read high numbers. Hell, the electrical wasn't working and he had to have a new breaker box installed. The worst part is that my uncle just allows my dad and I to pay for these things as we fix them. I don't understand how he cannot know that these things are his responsibility.

Leaving really isn't a realistic option, either.

Out of Balance

I feel as if I can't seem to maintain myself this week. I just finished my grad work for the summer, and I should be pleased with myself. Instead, I feel depressed.

It's almost like I was dragging things out just so that I would have something I was striving for. I lost that today when I completed the last assignment. My students wouldn't understand this sensation at all. Just like those who don't understand the joy in difficulty - the joy in challenge. I usually hear about how others are irritated about college expectations vary so significantly from high school. Education at a higher level is more independent and the answers / styles are so much more subjective.

Nothing is simple, and I should be proud of myself for finishing my work. Instead, I feel hollow. It must be that I haven't had a lot to live for these last several months. There were no students waiting for my cue, no people who truly needed me in any way (although there might be a couple out there who have convinced themselves that I am somehow necessary for their existences), no purposes beyond academics. I still have no job. I am trying everything. I've been told by several places that I am overqualified and they didn't want to hire me based on the fact that I might leave for a teaching job.

I need to be doing something productive. I can't seem to get out of this funk.

Far, Far Away

I often dream of moving away. I think I may have been on the right track when Jeremy and I moved to Florida. There were 1200 miles separating me from my family. I was able to establish myself in a new place - new friends, new career, new pets, etc.

My parents are here right now. I don't mind so much that my dad is working on many of the things my uncle had left unfinished and in disrepair. My dad and I see eye-to-eye on many different things.

My mother is the one human being who can set me off no matter how much we are getting along. She constantly criticizes everything in my life - my choices, my appearance, my behavior, my home (things that are mine and not mine). I can never seem to get beyond feeling like garbage when I am around her. She is nosy and always wants to know everything. I can't share anything with her without her finding a way to attack me.

She tells me things I don't need to know. I explained that I need time to get my homework done. She tells me to "Go and do your homework. I'll work on this." She keeps interrupting to tell me her ideas about my life, as well as where she is headed next in my home.

I'm unhappy. There are few moments when things don't seem so horrible, but those moments are few and far between. I put a lot of pressure on myself, even when others don't to find happiness or, at least, some sensation that isn't misery.

"Happy" Medium

I am still having recurring nightmares almost every night. I hate that with the return to healthy hormone and vitamin levels, I am getting a lot of those qualities I don't like about myself. Today was a crabby, "Don't touch me!" day, which was actually okay since I wasn't around a lot of people. I also don't like the terrible, recurring dreams that often disrupt the little rest I do get. I am jumpy and irritated and generally withdrawn.

I don't like that my options are 1)be deficient and malnourished and generally happy because I can't focus on anything, or 2) be physically healthy and irritated with most dealings with others. Where is the "happy" medium?

new blog

I started writing a new blog that sort of marks the beginning of regaining control of my life. I may share it with some as time goes on, but I want to use to to continue to move forward in the new chapters of my life.

The only issues I am plagued with now are HOW to navigate away from what does not have a future to the future I want. I am not one for acting out as I used to. I don't want to burn bridges. I honestly don't understand anymore the point of arguing about things that cannot be changed.

I feel this personality emerging that I can only liken to what I was like in the latter half of college - academically driven, yet mellow and refined in social settings.

Where I Stand

I haven't been writing the way I am *supposed* to be writing lately. I am not keeping track of my actions, feelings, etc. in a way that is useful. I am not reflecting one the choices I've made in a way that actually serves to help me long-term.

Step One: Acknowledgment of where I currently stand

I don't know where I'm headed.

I don't know exactly what I want.

My expectations of others are too high.

I don't know how to let go in a way that isn't dysfunctional.

I am unemployed, and I feel ashamed about this.

I tolerate behaviors in others that I would never tolerate from myself.

I'm in constant fear of hurting others. I put their feelings before my own, despite knowing that I will feel completely worthless.

I am scared to leave the home I have known for the past three years. This is the longest I have lived anywhere since I lived in Westland. I am also afraid of not feeling connected to someone who was the biggest part of my life over the past decade.

I know some time on my own would be helpful. I just don't want to walk away from the feelings I have.

My friends don't seem to want to listen to this whole thing again. I can't blame them. This is why Mike was so wonderful up until last fall.

I cry a lot when I am at home.

The only thing I feel confident about is teaching. I know I am a good teacher, despite the negative comments. I'm actually a really positive influence in the lives of my students. I want to be that person all the time, but it is too difficult.

The desire to go back in time and change things is back. It's all I think about. I think about not taking "no" for an answer when I told Jeremy we needed to go to counseling last year. I still see him as the most important person in my life. I want to find a way to make him happy, but I realized that it is often through things that make me disappear more and more into myself. I can't shake this feeling for him. And I can't seem to leave Tony alone either.

It's a Tuesday.

Either terrible dreams are returning to me or I am returning to them; I haven't decided my perspective on this yet. It's an uncomfortable start to a day when I already feel anxiety without true provocation. I decided that cleaning would be a fantastic activity this morning. I am sort of let my kitchen go, and it is full of clutter. Laundry needs to be washed. I like to work on things concurrently, so I have Tilex breaking up soap scum in the bathtub while I put dishes in the dishwasher, which I will start once the first load of laundry is in the dryer and I am scrubbing the tub. I've already cleaned all electronics, mirrors, and windows - the windows I cleaned before I opened them to air out my place.

It's amazing how quickly time is progressing. Exactly one week ago, I was entering the Adult ESL office in Walled Lake to interview for a part-time teaching position. Carolyn interviewed right before me, and I hoped that both of us would be offered the two positions.

Now, I am faced with cleaning up my home while focusing on leaving. I am pitching many things. I need to post some of them on the Western Wayne (MI) Freecycle group so that other people may enjoy / use the things I haven't touched in so long.

My parents asked what I might like this year for my birthday. It seemed a bit early, but I think they were considering getting me something for my home. I could really use a new couch, to be honest. I'm certain that they would "surprise" me with this. I am notoriously practical, and I tend to ask for things I would just buy for myself anyway. In fact, my laptop was more of an extravagant purchase. I have a desktop, but with grad school, it has been somewhat unreliable. It does not stay connected to the internet well, nor does it progress through functions the way it used to. It is still a decent computer, but 2002 was a long time ago, and I need to be embracing new technology not only in my classroom but also in my regular life. I think I might ask for little things like pill boxes (I have to take a lot of vitamins and supplements, but not all every day). I like keeping track of things like this as it helps me to process information and forces me to remember the day before in greater detail, but I think it might be okay to give in to more regimented practices. I will probably end up buying one this week or something, though. That's just who I am.

Well, I just heard the end of the washer cycle. I am back to cleaning. I want to have at least one room done by the time I leave for my cousin's graduation dinner tonight.

German Festival

I spent the afternoon and evening at German Park Recreation Center. I enjoyed a decent German Weissbier and talked with some people I had never before met. I learned that one works with my friend Will at Costco. We talked a little bit.

I spent time with my parents and my father's friends. It's somewhat strange to see him with his buddies, so I just sat back and observed. I can tell that he thoroughly enjoys these people.

I decided to get up and wander around. I called several people. Some answered; some didn't. I looked at the crowd from a distance and let the scene go silent in my head.

After a while, I began walking back to my parents. I saw someone who looked like a girl I had not seen in 15 years. I decided to approach. I asked if her name is Janelle, and she studied my face as she answered yes. I gave her my name and she asked if I used to have blond hair. It's been a long time since I had blond hair. My hair turned darker toward the end of middle school. We briefly talked, and I returned to my parents happy that someone I used to know was at a random German festival.

The world felt much smaller today, much more manageable.

Progress

I really do think everything is going to be alright now.

The End

I lied. I lied to protect what I thought was working with Jeremy and me. I lied about talking to Tony online and on the phone. I withheld the fact that Tony was at the bar and at Joe's party.

I had decided to enter discussion to fix what went wrong in my relationship with Jeremy. We seemed to be getting along quite well. I was hopeful because we hadn't drifted too far apart. I had every intention of focusing on that, but I couldn't seem to shake thoughts about Tony. I even tried to get Jeremy to demonstrate those qualities that I never before knew I needed, as well as ones I always knew I needed, that Jeremy has never really been able to do. He was even willing to try, but for some reason, I couldn't be patient enough. I couldn't trust that he wasn't going to revert back to what drove me away. In addition to this, I have days in which I am borderline insane. This is not an attempt to be cute; it is a truth I've been withholding from many people. I am having some emotional issues, perhaps as a combined result of a traumatic and emotionally charged break-up and medical problems that seemed to hit a climax at the same time. I am still reeling from both, despite some drastic changes, so it is difficult to make progress and fix me. At times, I am able to slow down and get myself in order, but these moments don't last very long.

I responded to messages, thinking that maybe it would be okay (knowing, deep down, that it wouldn't be) - simply because I was avoiding being around Tony in a physical space. I figured the feelings would drift into the background, and they would be no big deal. I hadn't seen him in person in at least a month-and-a-half, and when I did, the feelings were still there. The only difference was that I was experiencing a sensation that I can only liken to that of drowning. I struggled to keep my bearings in our conversation at our table. I wanted to open up to someone and tell what I was feeling, but I was met with a message that I just enjoy the drama. I really thought that this person would truly understand some of what I was experiencing. I can usually hide how deeply I am hurting. I hope I hid it well that night.


Jeremy, if you happen to be reading this...I'm sorry. I know that nothing I say will ever make up for hurting you, for lying to you again, for making you feel like I am a terrible human being. I never meant to put you through this. I never meant to feel what I am feeling. I wanted to believe that you and I could get through anything. I was selfish. I was careless with your heart. I was too weak to give you what you required. I am sorry. I've destroyed every ounce of trust you ever had in me. I've obliterated everything that we once shared.

When Tony contacted me about his incident at work, I felt a surge of panic I didn't know how to avoid.

I truly hope we can be civil to each other. I hope that we both will get through this and heal. You didn't deserve any of this, and I never meant for it to happen.

Lousy Day

I had another day that just didn't feel worth the effort. To top it off, a friend sent me a rather nasty message to tell me he thinks I am a terrible friend because I didn't call him over the past few months. I had sent him messages, but he felt that communicating on something like Facebook was somehow less than good enough for him (keep in mind - he sent me this message through Facebook). Apparently, he feels that I am low enough for Facebook, though.

I hate when friendships need so much work. He claimed that he would have been supportive and yada yada yada. The fact is that he never called and he knew that my life was falling apart around me. He knew this because I had told him, in person. He sent me a message to call him a week later, but I couldn't do anything during that week - I had too many things going on in my life, not to mention feeling my life come apart at the seams.

He wrote that he needs time to cool off, so I should call him later on. I don't know how much time he needs.

This feels so stupid. Friends are friends when they can be. Josh told me that true friends are the ones who will listen to you time and time again when everything falls apart. They will listen and be kind and not kick you when you're down. They won't try to pawn you off on to someone else. When Josh's fiancee left him, he was distraught for months. His friends listened and let him heal and didn't give him commentary about how he had made wrong choices in the relationship.

E. made comments and then claims he would have been supportive. That's complete garbage.

True, I didn't call him and ask if he and his wife wanted to get together. I wasn't in a place to do that. A true friend would have realized this - not only because of my break-up, but also because I was having some health and behavior problems. Grad school and working were the only things I could try to keep stable. And we all know what happened with my district this year.

So, I am having a lousy day. I am trying not to let his negative comments get to me, but the words sting and I am a lot weaker than I used to be. I can't stop crying. I so desperately want to talk to someone about this, but it's late, and I don't want to continue to run to others when I need help. I have to find a way to deal with this on my own. I just don't think I can do it.

I just deleted three paragraphs. I just can't let you in to the rest of what I am experiencing.

Respite

I need a respite from my life. I feel overwhelmed again.

I wasn't offered the Ann Arbor job. I know that they interviewed many people for the job, but it still sucks that I wasn't at the top of their list.

I met with my graduate adviser today. Everything seems aligned finally. I am all set to graduate next winter, that is, if I do well in my courses (which I am fairly certain I will).

I have no idea what I am going to do for work.

My Saturday To-Do List

Grade Essays
Wash / Dry / Put Away Dishes
Wash / Dry / Fold / Iron / Put Away Clothes
Clean Kitchen
Move all teaching materials into basement for storage
Search for and apply for jobs
Get the information to set up an appointment with Michigan Works
Get all my ducks in a row for my lay-off
Clean the living room
Clean the bathroom
Make my bed (new sheets day!)
Sort clothes for donation
Find all BHS materials to return (teaching resource books, etc.)
Exercise (either outside or at the gym)
Count calories
Clean bedroom
Clean spare room
Straighten boxes in basement
Play the ukulele
Practice band music (especially the mallet parts)
water plants
call relatives
call friends
go out at night

My name is...

Death of the Party

I decided against going out last night. I really wanted to hang out with Bob, but going to watch a three-hour movie that started at midnight did not seem like the best way to spend time with a friend. I was getting ready to go out when I started to feel weak. It happens from time to time, and I try to just force myself to get out and try to do something. This time, though, I had to admit defeat and stay home. The last time I felt that weak was the bridal gown and bridesmaid dress event for Maureen. I was nearly falling asleep at David's Bridal, so I decided to it would be best to not put myself in a position to fall asleep at the wheel while driving home from Royal Oak.

Flamingos

Is it my imagination or did life suddenly start to move at lightning speed? The past month has flown by. I've been completely wrapped up in things at work, as well as things caused by work. My health is getting better. I feel incredibly tired today and I want to take a nap, but that will throw off everything I have planned for my three-day weekend.

I am thinking about going out tonight. The Killer Flamingos are playing at Double Six Lounge in Novi tonight and Cowley's in Farmington tomorrow night. I don't know how much cover is, but I am considering going to one or the other. I should see what Maureen is up to. I hate going out alone.

I need to get a few things in order at home before venturing out, though. I am just afraid that I will turn it into a massive cleaning and packing weekend - I always feel as though I've wasted my time when I do that.

NZ?

Next stop: New Zealand?

I am looking into employment in other places. New Zealand has jumped back up on my list. I want to finish my master's degree first, so the timing might be right for a move next June or July. I will keep you all posted.

MRSA

I had an interesting day. During second period, I had to move my class to another room because the custodial staff needed to disinfect my room. One of my students has MRSA. She is being hospitalized due to the severity of the infection - and it is not just contained to a specific area of her body. It's everywhere - arms, legs, scalp, face, mouth...everywhere.

The doctors are hopeful that she will recover, but it could easily go the other way. I don't know quite how to feel about this. I am not particularly close with this student, but the thought that she might not return next week or ever again(she has not been responding well to medical treatment because her diabetes prevents her from being able to take medication, etc.) is starting to hit me.

I am attached to these kids. They are a huge part of my life. I've lost two students in the past, and the loss still makes me cry. I don't know how to go about losing another. These kids have provided me stability at a time in my life when I feel completely unstable.

A return to closed-mouth, conservative communication

This past week has been quite a test for me. I have avoided certain people (mostly, anyway) and certain activities that prevent me from putting my life back together in this single context. There have been days in which I have turned off my phone for the duration of the day, just because I know I will call people I shouldn't. In the time it takes for my phone to reboot, I can usually talk myself out of the call. This reflection time is about me, and I need to not distract myself with the wants and needs of others.

Last weekend, I helped Melissa and Eric move. I had shown up the previous weekend and helped with what I could before we decided to call it a day and plan for the next weekend. I was more than happy to help. Yes, moving is difficult, but it has to be done, and I didn't have anything planned for myself, anyway. My friends usually don't help me at all whenever I move. Some offer, but when I actually make the plans, they are all too busy. That really speaks to who my true friends are, huh? Because of that move, I think Melissa's parents see me differently. I didn't complain or whine. I just moved things in an assembled furniture. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Melissa's mom told her to take note of who actually made themselves available and helped (both weekends!). So, now I am left with this nagging question...why do I not rank higher on Melissa's list of friends on MySpace. It seems like such a stupid thing for me to focus on, but my self-esteem has taken a beating for some time now, and I keep looking outside of myself for a pick-me-up.

It's weird. I don't get it. I don't know why I can recognize my faulty logic but not escape it. I don't feel melancholy about this, though. Am I just accepting this quality in myself, even though I don't want to?


I rank very high on Maureen's list. No. 2 is wonderful. That probably explains why she asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I am worried about planning a speech, as well as planning the bachelorette party - No, I am NOT taking her to see male strippers! I am morally opposed to such activities, and I will not take part in such things. I may need to have Carolyn step in for that sort of thing. And no, this is not a time for my friends to tell me to "lighten up" or "get over it" when it comes to those things. I respect your values, and I expect you to respect mine.

I guess this post is turning into a rant. I didn't mean for it to be a rant.

From all the years of my life, I suppose I was the most comfortable form of myself when I lived in Paw Paw. I followed my own direction. I was comfortable with small-town life and meeting friends in slightly larger Kalamazoo. I was out walking in nature daily. I spent a lot of time in an old Revolutionary War cemetery near my home. I was calm. I wrote a lot. I visited wineries. I was not battered with too many options or friends telling me what they think I should do rather than listening to what I want for myself and helping me attain it. I felt confident in my teaching. I felt confident in my personal life. I did yoga regularly. How do I find this again? How do I sustain it in this failing economy, emotional roller-coaster situation that has been my love life, and new stresses related to work and grad school?

a few things

This week I visited and viewed my uncle's condo in Ann Arbor. I am all for living there - as long as I am allowed to paint as I please (I am very conservative with this sort of thing). The place definitely needs some work, well, some serious scrubbing. I want to suggest to my uncle that he hire a professional cleaning company for the job, as he has not really the kept his vacant second home in tip-top shape.

I would be excited to have a yard, albeit a tiny one. I can make the place look wonderful; I know that. I just need to find myself a job so that I can afford to live there. If I get a job north of Detroit, though, I will either stay where I am or move northward. I need to get this all figured out soon. My lease is almost up, and everything is so expensive.


I've been working on me lately, which hasn't been quite the crisis situation I thought it would be. The vitamins seem to keep me in check, which is great. I don't feel irrational or moody or confused when I remember to take them every day. My doctors have said that if I just continue taking vitamins, I should never have to be on medication for imbalances, etc., because all appears normal now. I wasn't "normal" earlier this year.

The angular cheilitis is under control now. Lucky for me, it didn't result in the scary pictures one sees on the internet. Instead, I just had redness at the corners of my mouth with small cracks. It's not contagious, nor is it something that I will necessarily suffer from in the future. As long as I continue taking B vitamins daily and protecting my lips better in times of stress and during the winter months, I should not have to deal with the pain or the unsightly things (not that many even noticed them. Mine didn't extend far from the lines of my mouth.). I'm so happy it's not some crazy thing like cold sores or something worse. My mom and my sister (and many of my cousins) get this during the winter. Pale-skinned, vitamin-deficient, women between the ages of 24 and 32 tend to get this fairly regularly. Does this make me more "normal?"


The job search continues. I have a few friends doing everything in their power to help me, which is wonderful. I just don't know what I would do if I couldn't find anything.

Ann Arbor

I forgot to take my vitamins today. I noticed a marked difference. It was difficult to stay on task. I had a killer headache. I was somewhat irritable. I suppose it could have just been the weather system affecting me, but it seems awfully coincidental.

I went to see my uncle's condo. I am all for living there. It needs some work (and a crap load of vigorous, intensive cleaning), but it will be a much better setup for me. It has 3 nicely-sized bedrooms upstairs, 1.5 baths, a full basement, complete with an office, a punching bag that will stay hanging in another section of the basement, a small but wonderful fenced-in yard, a fireplace, and a much better (recently remodeled) kitchen with room for a table. It is approximately 1300 square feet, not including the basement. That would be much better...and the real deal? My uncle will only charge me what I am paying now. That is a steal, especially for Ann Arbor!

I just need to make sure I have a job that will make it possible to live there.

I really do enjoy cleaning, and this place really needs it. I would really like to help update some things before moving in. I know my uncle and his wife would be doing a bunch of things, but part of me really wants in on the decision-making regarding paint color, etc. I will gladly help with all work, just to have some control. I would really like to rip out some of the wall paper. I'm good at that sort of thing. My current place doesn't really have the "look" I normally would give my home, but Jeremy and I thought that this place was only going to be temporary (meaning a home for one year), so we didn't change anything.

I am certain my uncle will be impressed with what I'd like to do to his condo. The property WILL be improved while I live there, both by me and by my dad, who has said he will definitely help out with modifications, etc.

I want my dad to check the stability of the second-floor balcony. It seems to be okay, but I just want him to check for me.

Let's all keep our fingers crossed for me - I really need a job that anchors me in the area. I have a few leads in the Ann Arbor area...although I'd love one of the advertised jobs in Oakland and Macomb counties.

Okay

I've been doing much better these last few days. I think the daily (over)dose of vitamins is doing the trick - I feel a lot more stable, although I do have moments here and there when I feel somewhat anxious. My tests all came back normal, which is so wonderful. I am hoping that I can get myself back on track - well, on a new track, as my job is evaporating and I will be moving soon.

I am sorting out a lot of my feelings. I still have more work to do, but things are moving in the right direction (sort of a foreign concept for me this calendar year).

Oh, I did learn that drinking green tea a lot last fall may have contributed to my health problems - not only does it cause kidney stones for me, I become quite dehydrated. That creates a scenario in which I actually lose vitamins because of the diuretic nature of tea.

Because of this imbalance, I felt unable to cope with relationship problems in a positive way, as well as many other things. I couldn't get organized or set a routine. I was drinking a lot more than usual to "numb" myself and keep up the facade that I was enjoying life a lot more than I actually was.


I am considering eliminating my blogs, my MySpace account, and other things that are out there.

It is done.

What I needed to do...I did.

The Bobs

It seems that several Bobs have been helpful lately. Bob W. has been a shoulder for me to lean on, offering sound advice and positive commentary. Bob H. is going through something similar to what's been going on in my life, although his is much more recent. We talked for a short while today, and it felt really great to talk to someone who could understand what I've been going through. I am so sorry that this year has brought so much misery for so many people. I feel hopeful, though, that something positive will come from all of this.

I vow to not let my health issues hold me back. I will be visiting the doctor more frequently. I think that is necessary at this point in my life.
I vow to find myself suitable employment since I am being laid off at the end of the school year.
I vow to communicate my feelings openly and honestly. Additionally, I need to find a way to process everything that has happened and move forward from it.
I vow to not waste time of things that will not help me advance myself.
I vow to dive deeply into all my grad work.
I vow to fight for what I want in my life.

Sunday Morning

I used to have a Sunday morning ritual. I'd wake up from a lengthy slumber with Jeremy at my side. We'd nuzzle and cuddle for nearly an hour before officially starting the day. We'd make our way downstairs for breakfast (sometimes we'd opt to go to Plato's Coney Island). After eating, we'd read PostSecret and talk. I miss that. I never really expressed how wonderful that routine was for me.

This morning, my three alarms sounded before I wanted to wake up. I walked downstairs alone, read PostSecret alone (I realize I haven't read it in months), and then got ready to help Melissa move the contents of her storage unit to her new rental house in Berkley. Unfortunately, the elevator wasn't working today, and she had to change her plans. We did load up some items into her vehicle (Eric ended up taking the Budget truck back to Southfield) and planned for another move time during this next week or over next weekend. All-in-all, it should only take an hour or so to load up the truck, perhaps thirty minutes to drive to the house, and an hour to unload. We also will need to move items for Eric's apartment (where they've been living). I am more than willing to help. I think I will be needing some assistance this summer when I will have to move. I need to spend some time sorting and tossing out items that just don't mean that much to me anymore.

When I came home, I opened windows, straightened the flower bed areas around my place, and bathed the cats. They were happy about the former moreso than the latter. I was able to avoid getting clawed. They bounced back from the excitement rather quickly and are sunning themselves by the back door. I am now going to spend a little chunk of time on things for me. I might play the uke, or go for a walk, or possibly ride my bike. I need to do something non-school-related with the gift of this beautiful afternoon NOT moving someone into their new home.

On the health side of things, my skin is splitting at the corner of my mouth again (well, not again, per se - the other side is splitting now). I feel embarrassed about this, even though it is hardly noticeable and it is just a condition caused by stress, dehydration, and vitamin deficiency. I can understand how those with cold sores and extreme acne (and other visible skin irritations) feel. I have never been plagued with much more than the occasional blemish here and there, and this makes me feel like I am like some hideous monster. The skin will take a while to heal (old, trusty petroleum jelly is best after the area is cleaned properly).

"You have a very nice vein."

I've been visiting doctors since I found out I have a vitamin deficiency. I am worried that I may have more problems, simply because the deficiency was quite severe. I visited one today and a technician had to draw blood for several tests.

I should probably share that I am afraid of needles. That doesn't quite convey the fear. I would say it is definitely belonephobia (needle-phobia). I can't think of needles without starting to hyperventilate. I often start shaking and my arms sort of roll up into my chest. I have fought doctors and nurses who have attempted to extract blood, as well as those who have tried to insert IVs so that I can feel relief from excessive pain (kidney stones), although I would have to say that I have become better equipped to "deal" with the problem. I have asked to be held down before so that I cannot fight. Jeremy has also been helpful (he tries to distracting me) in the past.

So, today while sitting in the room waiting for the inevitable experience, the technician made small talk. She was a very nice woman. She asked me to straighten my arm and rest it on the little arm rest of the specially-designed chair. I did. I looked away. I can't handle seeing any of the darn pointy things that will be used. She was quiet for a moment and then said, "You have a very nice vein. I think I will use that one."

I had to laugh, well, as much as I could with the impending blood extraction looming before me. I have never before been told I have a nice vein, so it struck me. I relaxed a little. She cleaned the area and then tied the rubber thing around my upper arm (I don't know what it looked like or anything - I just kept looking away.) She told me that I might feel a little pinch.

I felt the needle touch my skin, but there wasn't the pain I have felt during all other times. Before I knew it, the experience was over, and vial of my blood was resting on the little tray. I was so appreciative of the care that she took, given my overwhelming fear (my palms were sweaty and I was starting to hyperventilate). I felt compelled to compliment her ability to do that without causing pain. She said that that made her day.


This week is strange - I had a great week of teaching, found out I am losing my job at the end of the year, received a present from Jeremy's trip to Germany, calmed Jeremy down after he found someone dented and scratched his brand new vehicle, walked around at Newburgh Pointe and listened a variety of musicians camped out by the water (hmm...maybe it's time to break out the ukulele there), went to the doctor, "handled" getting my blood drawn, cried in public, and was complimented about the nice, big, blue vein in my right arm.

I am feeling angry, though, at the world. I am anti-social. I am afraid of taking out my frustrations on the wrong people. I am avoiding everything, except my health, because I don't know how to deal with my life right now.

Teaching

Does anyone know of any available teaching positions? It seems that I will not have a job after June. I'm having a rough day.

Better

I am starting to find myself again, as angry as I am about life. The repair process will take much longer than anticipated and will be full of moments that just don't make any sense, but things are getting better.

ANGER

I have some anger issues I need to work out. I don't want to make anyone a target, so I've mostly been keeping to myself. I feel stressed and frustrated about where my life is headed. This is nothing new; I am simply in touch with my feelings in a way that I haven't been for some time. I think it is important to stay away from people, as much as possible, so that I can allow myself the time and attention to process these feelings, rather than bottling them up. Bottling them lead to the last big disaster of my life, and I don't wish to repeat history.

Along with this anger comes a very strong sadness. I feel a loss that is so deep that I don't know how to stomach it.

I think a lot of things hit me this year, and I didn't know how to approach any of them. I was so overwhelmed with emotions and physical ailments that I just sort of flipped out. I am angry with myself for letting these thing happen to me and even more angry at myself for acting out in ways that were inappropriate for the situation I was in.

I can feel myself coming back to center, but the view is entirely different. I am not the person I was. I am not the person I was before things fell apart. I am someone else. I dislike defining moments for their very nature shakes my already unstable ground. I am angry. I am full on tension. I am unsure of many steps ahead, although the next few seem incredibly clear. So, I need to focus only on completing those next few steps (no, this is not an AA thing). Once those are done, I can move on to the next.

CLEAR THINKING

I am using my evenings this week to examine a few things, and I've come to some conclusions.

1. I want to have my own children. I don't want to adopt. I don't want to miss out on the experience of raising a family that is my own flesh and blood.

2. I want to feel that I have a respectable career - and I want to feel that whomever I end up with is proud of me for my career. Additionally, I would like to be employed within the school district I could later retire from within the next two years.

3. I want to travel the world. I want to be a part of the the global community, not just the American community.

4. I want to finish my master's degree by this time next year.

5. I want to pursue my doctorate within the next four years.

6. I would like to buy a house within the next four years.

7. I want someone who will make me smile every day.

8. I want someone who will not feel that he needs to compete with me for who had the more stressful or important day.

9. I want someone who will make me laugh.

10. I need someone who will take care of his own responsibilities. I have no issue with sharing responsibilities, but I refuse to take care of someone else if he won't take care of me.

11. I want someone who is capable of communicating his feelings and will not push me away or ignore me when I have feelings I need to communicate.

12. I want to be with someone with whom I can "lose" myself.

13. Whomever I have the privilege of being with needs to love animals, particularly my animals.

14. I need to be with someone with whom there is undeniable attraction and chemistry.

15. I need to be with someone who continuously seeks to improve himself through life experiences and academics.

16. I deserve to be treated like a queen sometimes, just as I would hope to treat someone like he is a king at times.

17. I will continue performing in the band, as well as the percussion ensemble.

18. I will continue meeting other ukulele players, and we will hopefully set up some local performances.

19. Eventually, I want a piano again - the keyboard just isn't the same.

20. I want to be with someone who will see me as a riddle and spend the rest of his life trying to figure me out.

21. I refuse to follow anyone again without both of us agreeing to go somewhere else based on mutual desire to go.

22. I need to spend more time reading to better acquaint myself with the human experiences that I have missed while I've been avoiding the world.

23. I need to write a lot more.

24. I want to be with someone who is comfortable strutting / dancing with me in the grocery store.

25. I want to feel loved more than anything else in the world.

26. I need to take much better care of myself than I do. I can't believe how out of control my behavior, emotions, and health were before visiting the doctor.

27. I truly miss someone more than anyone could ever imagine me missing anyone or anything. It feels like part of my soul is missing.

28. I need time to process all of this.

The End of Holiday

So, the end of my vacation is almost here. I managed to:

read a couple of novels for grad school
complete my panel discussion paper
attend rehearsals all week
perform incredibly well at my concert
help Jeremy get his trip to Germany squared away (despite being really jealous)
apply for jobs
hang out with friends I usually don't get to see
finish a group project, including an online chat with a group of people with conflicting schedules
have a few really deep conversations
escape the stress of teaching for a while
buy Idiocracy, Lost in Translation, and Rain Man
watch Idiocracy and The X-Files
clean a chunk of my home
start eating healthy again
garden a little bit
talk on the phone a lot
become emotional and allow myself to express what I am truly feeling
listen to a great band
play the ukulele and write a few songs (I can finally write songs about someone - who knew that it was possible!?!)
sleep a lot

Decisions

I have decisions to make, and I am not sure if I am in a place to make the right decisions just yet. I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there.

On the bright side of things, I did finish my paper for grad school. I finished earlier than I thought I would. It is full of research and commentary. I hope to revise it tonight after my concert. I also already completed my group project and posted it on the emich and wikispace pages.


The other things I need to accomplish this weekend:

Read A Tale of Two Cities
Create lesson plans for German 1 and English Honors 9 (for the last six weeks of school)
Write the English 9 and German 1 final exams
Grade papers
Enter grades
Post progress report grades
Perform in my concert tonight at 8 (Call is 7 PM)
Exercise
Do laundry
Clean my living room
Sort papers from grad school
Call Jason
Email Cathy about Monday
Continue to count calories
Plan and make lunches for the week
Scrub my kitchen
Water plants
Work on flowerbeds
Clear out donation items and junk
Clean bedroom and straighten up bathroom and landing area
Straighten shoes
Go to the ATM
Start organizing and storing teaching materials for the summer
Apply for jobs
Print and organize ukulele music (Uke meeting Tuesday of this week!!!)

and so much more!

Jeremy called to ask me for a backpack that he will need during his Germany trip. He will be by in a few minutes to pick it up on his way to the airport.

I hope he and Mike have a wonderful time, drinking and sightseeing. I wish I were going on the trip with Jeremy, but that's not really a possibility at this point. Oh, how I wish it were.

Easter

Is today a day of rebirth? Or is it a day of resurrection?

I understand what it all means in a religious context, but I try to use religious holidays to reflect on my own life even though I would not say that I am "religious."

I would enjoy the opportunity to start anew, but that is just not how life works. Well, maybe if I altered my appearance, left all of my "old" life behind, and moved away never to return. I could be absolutely anyone I wanted to be. However, this is not really a true possibility, because I am already imbued with all sorts of values and expectations that would never truly cease to exist within me. Even in cases of amnesia, patients often continue with behaviors and practices that might feel foreign to them - these are remnants of who or what they had experienced prior to the amnesiac experience. The body remembers and, thus, they are not "blank slates."

As far as resurrection, one would return as they were before. So, if I were to experience some sort of resurrection, I would simply return to behavioral patterns or emotional responses that were there before. Believe me, there is a part of me that yearns for this. I want to recapture something that may not be possible. Even though I do feel things for someone different, I miss Jeremy. He makes me laugh. He is that person with whom I still envision my future. I'm certain this is normal after such a long relationship. I long for the days in which we were so good to each other - when we were just trying to make something of ourselves so that we could be what the other needed most. We had never reached that point of "enough is enough" (even when things had gone south before) until someone else stepped into the picture at a time that I was truly vulnerable. I was experiencing some serious medical problems that did affect my behavioral drastically, and I lacked the ability to cope with what was happening within myself, as well as what was happening in my life. I did my best to hide and avoid dealing with what was happening to me.

Others could argue that the feelings I am experiencing for Tony are part of a resurrection, as well. He was someone I recognized as a kindred spirit of sorts in my past. He saw the world differently from most people - and I always felt like he could see whatever point I was trying to make. The vast majority of people have failed to understand my logic. He has retained that childlike approach to new things, and I am drawn to that. He is inquisitive and kind, and I am curious. I feel special when I am around him, and I don't want to stop this feeling. I don't know that it will grow into anything serious just yet, but there is possibility.

So, today, I don't know what I should be considering - running off to, say, Germany and being who I would be there or resurrecting something here.

Or, maybe, I should lean toward fusion of both and try a new relationship with a different person based on the resurrection of romantic expectations.

For Class

Teaching for Progressive Social Change in the Reading and Literature Classroom

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Essays & Theses School Work literature teaching

Absurdism at its Best

I plan to pair this or another similar piece with a text I studied for class. It might be a little over the top and obvious than the absurdism in the text, but it demonstrates the notion in a fairly short period of time.

Vitamin B

I am so tired today. Teaching really took everything out of me. I feel sleepy rather than exhausted, which is a nice difference from the way I've been feeling lately. Since I visited the doctor over the weekend, I've been taking a variety of vitamins (I should just get a multi-vitamin, but those have made me ill in the past, so I am somewhat leery of doing that).

My vitamin B deficiency has led to some interesting skin, behavioral, and emotional issues as of late. I didn't realize that things has deteriorated so much. It feels good to be clearer now, but I wonder about what problems could have been avoided over the past four to five months. I guess that is my nature to second-guess myself when there really is no other way for things to have happened. I can't change the past. I can only learn the lesson that is in there somewhere.

I wish I had noticed the symptoms of the deficiency earlier. I could have put myself on track and probably saved myself a lot of aggravation.

Tired

I woke up late this morning. That will teach me to rely on plug-in alarm clocks, huh? I wanted to stop relying so heavily on my cell phone. I frantically called two of my administrators; we had to get word to the other person administering the MME test that I was going to be late. Tiffany took over and completed the supervisor responsibilities today. I was so happy to learn that she was doing this. I felt like a total failure, though. I have NEVER shown up late for work before. I was angry at myself. I was totally freaked out because today is the final day of MME testing, too.

When I arrived, I went immediately to my room and got settled. By the end of testing, I was doing fine. I even made a bunch of origami rabbits and squirrels and placed them around the room I was assigned to for testing. Andy has some sort of thing for squirrels, from what the kids tell me, so I decided that he should return to a small collection of squirrels on his desk (the rabbits are everywhere else - taped to windows, placed next to his classroom objects, etc.).

I taught in the late morning / early afternoon. I worked on the English exam that no one else decided to help with. I hate that everyone just expects me to do things for them. I am tired of this.

I need to go shopping. I need to get my hair cut (but my mother is out of town, unfortunately). I don't have band, but I need to practice my music. Afterward, I will finish typing the exam. I also need to do a crapload of cleaning. I think my kitchen and living room will be taken care of by 4 or so tomorrow afternoon. I really need to focus on the upstairs and the basement.

Stress and Kindness

I felt stressed all day long. I had to administer the ACT at work, and although it is a scripted test, I had to pay such close attention to absolutely everything I said or did that I felt a bit overwhelmed.

After the test, I had to sit through several meetings, working on the same crap we've been working on for months. I really needed to be grading or writing the quarterly exam that has fallen at my feet again. I am so sick of this responsibility. I don't like thinking about this stuff when so many other teachers get to criticize it - they don't bother contributing to it, but they certainly bitch about things (truth be told, I use state-created or ACT materials for the exam, so they really shouldn't be complaining at all).

Jeremy and I met for dinner after he flew back to Detroit tonight. It was a nice meeting. We've been having a lot of those lately. We recognize the overly-dysfunctional nature of what we had, and we are moving forward from it. We don't see full reconciliation, but we are not opposed to it, should it become obvious down the line (WAY down the line) that we want to be together again. He picked me up and we were off to sit in Friday's, talking about how much happier we both feel now. He said he felt like he was released from prison (not that he would truly know what that is like), but he acknowledged that he had created or generously helped to create the prison his life had become. I found his statement very much like my own commentary about being liberated when we both decided to separate. We used to be right for each other, and I did see that person across the table from me - the man I fell in love with, but the emotions have changed. I think we both realized that although the love we have for each other is as deep as or deeper than any ocean, we don't seem to be feeling the "in love" sentiments. I am afraid of them returning if I should continue to hang out with him.

There were no confusing looks or actions, like a hand on an arm or anything like that. Instead, there was a kindness that only people who are completely at peace with a decision can truly experience. This doesn't mean that I don't feel sadness about what occurred. I feel it. I feel like we had the world at our fingertips, but we were either too stupid or too lazy to make our dreams reality. We stopped living for each other.

When we dropped me off at my apartment, he asked if I was going to cry. I told him I'd probably cry a little bit, and then I did. I prefer this somber ending to the day. I didn't expect to be knee-deep in a carefree activity, like playing video games or playing the ukulele, so a quiet ending to a stressful day is welcomed.

3-8-09

Grade papers
Enter grades online
Create lesson plans
Write text accompaniment to image transmediation for class
Read more of Bitter Fruit
Register for AATG and MCTE conferences in April
Hit the gym
Laundry
Color hair
Reorganize the Tupperware cupboard
Fix broken kitchen drawer
Fix broken handrail
Color hair
Update calendar (conferences, dress shopping with Maureen, etc.)
Practice music for band rehearsal
Clean the bathroom
Clean the living room
Put new sheets on the bed
Choose scenes for analysis (Romeo and Juliet - both 1997 and 1968 films)
Read more of Reeds in the Wind for presentation
Gather more of Jeremy's stuff
Scoop the litter box
Wash, dry, and put away dishes
Put shoes away
Play the ukulele
Take out the trash

A Crush on Writing, Bitter Fruit, A Short Blond Man Wearing Glasses, and Other Lamentations During a Grad School Night

From my MySpace blog...


Monday resonated strangely inside my head. The irony of 2009 continues but has now been joined by a mild mixture of hope and new ideas about life.


Early in my workday, I began talking with a former student. I think I revealed a little too much about my life to this person, and I realize that I've altered my perception of this child I once knew. She regularly seeks counsel with me, and we made our usual visit in the hallway, discussing both of our similar prospects for the upcoming weekend – we've both been asked to see movies by people we hesitate to call anything more than "friend," simply because we are both in vulnerable places. I find our mutual vulnerability makes us wary in ways we didn't expect when she and I made positive choices about our separate lives several weeks ago. Our mutual misery
has helped us to find deeper understanding of life's intricacies.


Monday brings with it a kind ritual. I teach all day. I work on school-related nonsense, and then I join several classmates for our weekly Dinner, Drinks, and Discussion meetings prior to class. Today I decided to skip the event after learning the Jason was also not in the mindset to attend. Instead, I found myself savoring a bagel while trying to catch up on some reading for class. I picked up my copy of Bitter Fruit to stay on track for my presentation in a couple of weeks. I experienced a very bitter aftertaste when reading of incestuous dealings and reading the overused "fuck" time and time again. I found the use more for shock value than for literary merit as it pertains to voice or characterization. I didn't need to read about forced acts of penetration -- my feelings on the matter have made it difficult to meet the text on a level playing field.


After finishing my bagel and talking with classmates (who, by the way, were also horrified that this text is on our list for the semester), I found my way to our new classroom. I was very pleased to see Jeff on the third floor of Pray-Harrold. Jeff and I have shared classes in the past, and it is always good to see him. We have our traditions -- always greeting with a boisterous "Hey!" rather than a friendly "Hello!" or "Hi!" It always makes me think of who we are with certain people. I realize that I am me again. Last year, we ended one of classes with our professor at The Tower Inn (my regular D3 meeting site). She treated us to drinks or dinner (I don't remember which). The air was warm enough for a light jacket but cool enough to keep people from lingering in the way that April breeds a certain clear, star-sprinkled sky and fresh air but leaves no room for the warmth that will keep one outside. As a small group, we walked back to our cars, all sprinkled in that same starry pattern. One-by-one, we dropped from the group like the children in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory until just Jeff and I were walking. As I reached my car, he continued on to the structure, even though I would have gladly driven him that last part. I remember thinking about how he would return to Ohio to work for the summer, and I was a little sad because I had finally made a new friend in grad school who was now embarking on his short trip home. It made me wish for the fall.

Running into Jeff made me feel happy. We've run into each other on campus before, but this time was different. I hoped that he will get to see me outside the context of a stagnant engagement and all that entails. He asked the same question that everyone asks -- "How are ya!?!" I responded with the same word I usually use -- "Great!" -- only this time, I actually felt great. He sort of studied my face for a moment and then continued talking. I imagine that he could finally see that "Great!" really did mean "Great!"


This short, blond man and I have discussed a variety of things -- literature, philosophy, and literary criticism -- but our mundane conversation made me much happier than those past ventures down Intellectual Lane. I think this is because I am out enjoying life, and this friend of two years was finally able to see it.


As I joined my class, students were already distributing their writing for their short mini-presentations. I tend to hate the busy nature of our group during this time, but I felt happy about seeing a friend, and my day has had a few odd points that made me feel like it is okay to be me. I feel a little weird -- alive and alert and awake in a way that makes me think things that just don't make sense. I revel in these tensions. As I began reading one student's paper tonight, I felt myself develop a crush on the writing -- NOT on the writer -- just on the writing itself. Each word conveyed profundity that I was not quite prepared to read. I felt moved yet comfortable. The sentences swirled around each other with words that articulated ideas beyond the scope of my logic at first. I read the one-page response over and
over again, feeling the words charge through my mind, take residence, and then leave. This left me wanting more.

Change

My life is undergoing some change. I am undergoing some change. I didn't like who I had become. I didn't like the way I was navigating the world. I was unhappy, and I couldn't stop beating up on myself and those closest to me.

I am certain that by changing some of the circumstances of my life, I am taking the right steps toward building a better foundation for myself.

My Life

My life is much more of a mess than I ever let on (and I probably reveal a lot already). When did it start to go in this direction? What happened to me? Why can't I seem to learn the lessons that present themselves to me time and time again? I see the lessons. I see what I am supposed to do, but I rebel against whatever force is trying to make me think and act a certain way.

I live in fear of many things.