"Happy" Medium

I am still having recurring nightmares almost every night. I hate that with the return to healthy hormone and vitamin levels, I am getting a lot of those qualities I don't like about myself. Today was a crabby, "Don't touch me!" day, which was actually okay since I wasn't around a lot of people. I also don't like the terrible, recurring dreams that often disrupt the little rest I do get. I am jumpy and irritated and generally withdrawn.

I don't like that my options are 1)be deficient and malnourished and generally happy because I can't focus on anything, or 2) be physically healthy and irritated with most dealings with others. Where is the "happy" medium?

new blog

I started writing a new blog that sort of marks the beginning of regaining control of my life. I may share it with some as time goes on, but I want to use to to continue to move forward in the new chapters of my life.

The only issues I am plagued with now are HOW to navigate away from what does not have a future to the future I want. I am not one for acting out as I used to. I don't want to burn bridges. I honestly don't understand anymore the point of arguing about things that cannot be changed.

I feel this personality emerging that I can only liken to what I was like in the latter half of college - academically driven, yet mellow and refined in social settings.

Where I Stand

I haven't been writing the way I am *supposed* to be writing lately. I am not keeping track of my actions, feelings, etc. in a way that is useful. I am not reflecting one the choices I've made in a way that actually serves to help me long-term.

Step One: Acknowledgment of where I currently stand

I don't know where I'm headed.

I don't know exactly what I want.

My expectations of others are too high.

I don't know how to let go in a way that isn't dysfunctional.

I am unemployed, and I feel ashamed about this.

I tolerate behaviors in others that I would never tolerate from myself.

I'm in constant fear of hurting others. I put their feelings before my own, despite knowing that I will feel completely worthless.

I am scared to leave the home I have known for the past three years. This is the longest I have lived anywhere since I lived in Westland. I am also afraid of not feeling connected to someone who was the biggest part of my life over the past decade.

I know some time on my own would be helpful. I just don't want to walk away from the feelings I have.

My friends don't seem to want to listen to this whole thing again. I can't blame them. This is why Mike was so wonderful up until last fall.

I cry a lot when I am at home.

The only thing I feel confident about is teaching. I know I am a good teacher, despite the negative comments. I'm actually a really positive influence in the lives of my students. I want to be that person all the time, but it is too difficult.

The desire to go back in time and change things is back. It's all I think about. I think about not taking "no" for an answer when I told Jeremy we needed to go to counseling last year. I still see him as the most important person in my life. I want to find a way to make him happy, but I realized that it is often through things that make me disappear more and more into myself. I can't shake this feeling for him. And I can't seem to leave Tony alone either.