Today, I rear-ended another car. It was in the middle of a torrential downpour in Ann Arbor, and I was on I-94 Eastbound at Exit 177. The driver ahead of me slammed on his brakes, as did many other drivers. I hit mine, as well. I tried to make it into the lane on the right, as there were no cars, and my car was sliding as if one ice, but the semi behind me cut me off, nearly hitting me. I continued to press my brakes, but nothing was happening. My car kept sliding, and I wound up hitting a maroon JEEP.
No one was injured, thank God, but the front end of my car is severely damaged, if not irreparably damaged. I am not that upset that I got a ticket - that is customary if you rear-end someone. I just wish I had the license plate number of the semi that cut me off, since I was a little preoccupied with stabilizing myself to write it down. I may go to court and fight the points on my license, though. I know that getting out of the ticket is, pretty much, out of question.
The driver and passenger of the other vehicle were very nice. They were extremely helpful, even helping me to move my belongings from my car to my dad's truck when he arrived. I had brought with me a load of items for my move tomorrow. Yeah, don't I have the best luck? Of all the times for this to happen, it has to be when I am in the middle of moving.
The thing that really makes me angry is that my airbags did NOT deploy. For the level of (visible) damage done, the airbags SHOULD have. I am waiting to hear from the collision place and my insurance company to find out how bad the damage is. I need to find out why the airbags didn't go. Had things been worse, I could be dead...and since I'm not, I NEED to know why my car was not working properly. After I find out, I will be contacting Honda to discuss this. I bought a brand new vehicle from them three years ago, and I have maintained it properly (expensive as it is), but the mere fact that the airbags didn't deploy (I can understand if the passenger side one didn't go, but the driver's side!?!) shows a significant design flaw. And I am not letting go of this.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The influence of others
After noticing changes in Jeremy, I started thinking more and more about how we have influenced each other.
When he and I first met in college, I was in the middle of dealing with two messy, on-again, off-again relationships, one that held a deep emotional connection and the other a more outgoing and spirited experience (overall, just a misguided avenue in a good friendship that was never really meant to be more). I was involved in a variety of student activities and political causes that distracted me enough to manage my life in the turbulence of two failing relationships. I was visiting hippie communes and trying new personalities. I turned into a strong liberal, attending small protests and supporting my gay friends in their individual and group pursuits toward happiness and equality. I went to civil rights meetings with my friend J, at which we worked with community groups to help people in poor areas (predominantly black) rise up and join the professional world. Some of the people were anti-white, but most were pleasant and realized that life is difficult for everyone, regardless of skin color.
Jeremy was the staunch conservative (he has an official Republican party pin that I used to laugh at). Despite this, he always had a great sense of humor and I liked the way he looked at the world - so optimistic.
We started dating after my sophomore year in college. I often tested his boundaries on his religious beliefs, expectations, political views, etc. He tried to make me more conservative in all areas - except the bedroom. I think he would have liked for my liberalism to extend into the private sector of our relationship, but I was quite conservative compared to other college students. He told me he loved me months before I said it back. I pointed out that he was liberal with his heart which was not wise. I don't think he liked that, not because he thought I didn't return his feelings, but because I used the term 'liberal'.
As he stepped out into the real world, he learned that being a conservative while being in a low-paying job wasn't really all that great. His ideas and opinions about the government changed. I'm certain this was helped by my cynicism and constant concern about those who kept slipping through the cracks.
When I stepped into the working world after college, I found that belonging to fringe groups and pushing social agendas that did not serve the majority weren't going to solve any problems.
When I first entered my teaching careeer, I found it a strange thing to see a group of people who are traditionally thought of as lefties, because of unions and education, be so conservative. Teachers have to be pillars of responsibility and kindness. We have to find middle ground and eliminate the polarizing ideas that we fought for in our younger years. I became much more like Jeremy.
Jeremy started flight school and returned to his student years. He became more like me. He started sympathizing with nations and small factions in the U.S. that were being persecuted.
Today, we are a nice balance. We are both closer to the middle. I have drifted a bit toward humanitarian causes again, which gives me a slightly more leftist tinge. Jeremy has stayed in the middle but has lost faith in the Republican party. I think he still believes in some of the major ideas, though.
Could it be said that he made me care less and I made him care more?
When he and I first met in college, I was in the middle of dealing with two messy, on-again, off-again relationships, one that held a deep emotional connection and the other a more outgoing and spirited experience (overall, just a misguided avenue in a good friendship that was never really meant to be more). I was involved in a variety of student activities and political causes that distracted me enough to manage my life in the turbulence of two failing relationships. I was visiting hippie communes and trying new personalities. I turned into a strong liberal, attending small protests and supporting my gay friends in their individual and group pursuits toward happiness and equality. I went to civil rights meetings with my friend J, at which we worked with community groups to help people in poor areas (predominantly black) rise up and join the professional world. Some of the people were anti-white, but most were pleasant and realized that life is difficult for everyone, regardless of skin color.
Jeremy was the staunch conservative (he has an official Republican party pin that I used to laugh at). Despite this, he always had a great sense of humor and I liked the way he looked at the world - so optimistic.
We started dating after my sophomore year in college. I often tested his boundaries on his religious beliefs, expectations, political views, etc. He tried to make me more conservative in all areas - except the bedroom. I think he would have liked for my liberalism to extend into the private sector of our relationship, but I was quite conservative compared to other college students. He told me he loved me months before I said it back. I pointed out that he was liberal with his heart which was not wise. I don't think he liked that, not because he thought I didn't return his feelings, but because I used the term 'liberal'.
As he stepped out into the real world, he learned that being a conservative while being in a low-paying job wasn't really all that great. His ideas and opinions about the government changed. I'm certain this was helped by my cynicism and constant concern about those who kept slipping through the cracks.
When I stepped into the working world after college, I found that belonging to fringe groups and pushing social agendas that did not serve the majority weren't going to solve any problems.
When I first entered my teaching careeer, I found it a strange thing to see a group of people who are traditionally thought of as lefties, because of unions and education, be so conservative. Teachers have to be pillars of responsibility and kindness. We have to find middle ground and eliminate the polarizing ideas that we fought for in our younger years. I became much more like Jeremy.
Jeremy started flight school and returned to his student years. He became more like me. He started sympathizing with nations and small factions in the U.S. that were being persecuted.
Today, we are a nice balance. We are both closer to the middle. I have drifted a bit toward humanitarian causes again, which gives me a slightly more leftist tinge. Jeremy has stayed in the middle but has lost faith in the Republican party. I think he still believes in some of the major ideas, though.
Could it be said that he made me care less and I made him care more?
Abby has returned!
Jeremy called me this morning to let me know that Abby sauntered back very early this morning. I think his parents will probably keep her inside for several days.
Missing Abby
Jeremy's parents' cat has gone missing. Mark saw her last on Saturday, and she has not returned home. Jeremy's mom doesn't seem to think anything is wrong, and Jeremy is sad. He says he is a realist. And I think that is my influence. Jeremy was always a lot more optimistic, and I think that my cynicism over the years has jaded him. I am starting to feel guilty that I am part of what prevents him from believing his cat will come home again. I would prefer not to feel any guilt or regret - this is something I thought I had battled and won these last few years.
I will miss Abby. She is a very nice cat. If she doesn't return tomorrow, I don't believe she will ever return.
I will miss Abby. She is a very nice cat. If she doesn't return tomorrow, I don't believe she will ever return.
A to Z
I can't sleep (what's new?), so I decided to steal from Noelle's bulletin on myspace.
A is for age:
25
B is for beer of choice:
Kraftbrau Dunkel
C is for career right now:
German/English teacher
D is for your dog's name?:
No dog at present. If I did have one, maybe I’d name him/her Jigsaw or something like that
E is for essential item you use everyday:
Computer
F is for favorite TV show at the moment
I have no TV at the moment – it is packed and ready for my move on Saturday
G is for favorite game/sport:
Hockey
H is for Home town:
Originally Westland, currently Paw Paw, will be Canton in four more days
I is for instruments you play:
Percussion, piano
J is for favorite juice:
Apple, I guess
K is for whose butt you'd like to kick:
No one right now – the demons seem to be in the past
L is for last place you ate:
Home
M is for marriage:
Hopefully soon – maybe within the next year
N is for your name:
Alicia
O is for overnight hospital stays:
no overnight stays, although I would have loved to stay all day and night hooked up to the IV with the “cocktail” in when I had my kidney stone last year
P is for people you were with today:
Just me
Q is for quote:
“You got a fucking dart in your neck, man.” Seann William Scott in Old School.
R is for Biggest Regret:
I am starting to live without regrets. Everything I have experienced has helped me to become who I am…hmm…Maybe all the heavy drinking.
S is for status:
Long term relationship (six years!)
T is for time you woke up today:
#1 4:25
#2 6:15
#3 7:45
#4 9:20
#5 11:30
U is for underwear you have on now:
lavender bikini-style
V is for vegetable you love:
carrots
W is for worst habit:.
watching TV
X is for x-rays you've had:
Too many to count – most recent: kidney stone confirmation
Y is for yummy food you ate today:
Alfredo sauce on broccoli and noodles
Z is for zodiac sign:
Libra
A is for age:
25
B is for beer of choice:
Kraftbrau Dunkel
C is for career right now:
German/English teacher
D is for your dog's name?:
No dog at present. If I did have one, maybe I’d name him/her Jigsaw or something like that
E is for essential item you use everyday:
Computer
F is for favorite TV show at the moment
I have no TV at the moment – it is packed and ready for my move on Saturday
G is for favorite game/sport:
Hockey
H is for Home town:
Originally Westland, currently Paw Paw, will be Canton in four more days
I is for instruments you play:
Percussion, piano
J is for favorite juice:
Apple, I guess
K is for whose butt you'd like to kick:
No one right now – the demons seem to be in the past
L is for last place you ate:
Home
M is for marriage:
Hopefully soon – maybe within the next year
N is for your name:
Alicia
O is for overnight hospital stays:
no overnight stays, although I would have loved to stay all day and night hooked up to the IV with the “cocktail” in when I had my kidney stone last year
P is for people you were with today:
Just me
Q is for quote:
“You got a fucking dart in your neck, man.” Seann William Scott in Old School.
R is for Biggest Regret:
I am starting to live without regrets. Everything I have experienced has helped me to become who I am…hmm…Maybe all the heavy drinking.
S is for status:
Long term relationship (six years!)
T is for time you woke up today:
#1 4:25
#2 6:15
#3 7:45
#4 9:20
#5 11:30
U is for underwear you have on now:
lavender bikini-style
V is for vegetable you love:
carrots
W is for worst habit:.
watching TV
X is for x-rays you've had:
Too many to count – most recent: kidney stone confirmation
Y is for yummy food you ate today:
Alfredo sauce on broccoli and noodles
Z is for zodiac sign:
Libra
Monday, July 24, 2006
Wishes
What is your biggest wish (at least for the next hour or so)?
Would you go back in time and do things differently? Would you have avoided dating certain people? Would you date others? Would you get/not get plastic surgery? Would you go out for a sports team in school? Would you have really worked harder to get into a better school? Would you buy a house? Would you invest your money in the stock market? Would you have stood up for someone else in their time of need?
Just wondering...
Would you go back in time and do things differently? Would you have avoided dating certain people? Would you date others? Would you get/not get plastic surgery? Would you go out for a sports team in school? Would you have really worked harder to get into a better school? Would you buy a house? Would you invest your money in the stock market? Would you have stood up for someone else in their time of need?
Just wondering...
Setting up a new life...again
I am very excited to be moving in with Jeremy again. We are working numbers to pay for Lifetime Fitness gym membership. It's expensive, but it has enough stuff to keep both of us occupied (and working out!).
I am hoping that I really enjoy my new job. I have tried for so long to get psyched about it. My interest level has gone up, but I can't say that I am truly thrilled. I need to get my hands on the textbook, not only to brush up but to also research those concepts and bring in a lot more.
I am hoping that I really enjoy my new job. I have tried for so long to get psyched about it. My interest level has gone up, but I can't say that I am truly thrilled. I need to get my hands on the textbook, not only to brush up but to also research those concepts and bring in a lot more.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
...
I returned to Paw Paw at midnight tonight. My weekend was definitely a good one. Jeremy was able to make it to the wedding reception - he arrived only minutes before the end, but he did get to say a few words to my relatives. My uncles told me he is "one of us." It's always good to hear when your family accepts your significant other as part of the family. They then started in on the "When are you two gonna get married already?" lines. Although I love the mention of Jeremy and I in the context of marriage, I still tried to divert attention to two of my cousins who are also in long term relationships. It is far easier (and much less whiney) than saying, "Hey, Jeremy and I have very little cash. Mom and Dad spent all of the money they had set aside for my wedding on Autumn's wedding."
But, I digress...The ceremony was short and sweet (I love 15-minute ceremonies!). The hall was simple and elegant with a variety of choices at the (OPEN!!!) bar. I started drinking very early. I had downed three drinks during the first half hour, which did end up making me quite the entertainer - I need to let that Lish out much more often. The bartender was mixing the drinks a bit strong. I cannot remember the last time I drank so much vodka. Over the next several hours, I polished off many more drinks, sobered up, then fell drunk again. I stopped drinking two hours before the end, just so that I could have time to sober up. My dad agreed to photograph the wedding for my cousin, so I was elected to assist whenever my mom wanted to visit with family. Carrying cameras worth more than my college tuition is not a responsibility to take on while inebriated, so I tried to keep it together.
One of my younger cousins (a senior in high school) and I talked about tennis camp and what to expect during her final year of school. I kept apologizing for being completely drunk while talking. She just laughed. I had a heart-to-heart talk with Autumn's husband about making sure he doesn't ignore her to work on computers (which he's been doing lately). I told him the same thing happened in our house growing up, and that is when my mother really turned into a nag. I really don't want my sister to turn into my mother.
I was sober by the time Jeremy showed up, which was nice. We had to load up the photography equipment. We said good-byes to everyone and then went home.
When we woke Sunday morning, we got ready and went to IKEA to buy a set of dishes and then drove by our townhouse. We sign the papers and pick up the keys on Friday!!! We have an end-unit that backs up to a small park and playground. I should have checked if they have one of those merry-go-rounds. I used to love getting drunk and having contests with friends to see who would vomit first. Stupid, I know, but it killed time in our pathetic, little lives.
Brendan and Amanda live in the same complex, so already we feel more comfortable. I can't wait to have barbecues with them. Also, Brendan and I have sort of started a writer's group. Since I have the workshop background, I think he's looking to me to really set parameters and explain the process. So far, we've worked on a large portion of a novel he is writing and two of my shorter fiction pieces. I am working with two others, but they are not in the area at present. I am hoping that Mike will drive down from Fenton every so often to meet, and that Eric will, at least, send more through email.
Jeremy and I are pricing new furniture and planning the rest of our summer. We plan to meet up with Mike and Noelle mid-August, and we will go to Traverse City with Joel and Jill for a weekend in two-three weeks. We may even hit the Tom Petty concert at DTE. Maybe Melissa and Neil want to go with us. Or perhaps Becky and Dave. We'll see.
I just need to turn off my mind and get some sleep.
But, I digress...The ceremony was short and sweet (I love 15-minute ceremonies!). The hall was simple and elegant with a variety of choices at the (OPEN!!!) bar. I started drinking very early. I had downed three drinks during the first half hour, which did end up making me quite the entertainer - I need to let that Lish out much more often. The bartender was mixing the drinks a bit strong. I cannot remember the last time I drank so much vodka. Over the next several hours, I polished off many more drinks, sobered up, then fell drunk again. I stopped drinking two hours before the end, just so that I could have time to sober up. My dad agreed to photograph the wedding for my cousin, so I was elected to assist whenever my mom wanted to visit with family. Carrying cameras worth more than my college tuition is not a responsibility to take on while inebriated, so I tried to keep it together.
One of my younger cousins (a senior in high school) and I talked about tennis camp and what to expect during her final year of school. I kept apologizing for being completely drunk while talking. She just laughed. I had a heart-to-heart talk with Autumn's husband about making sure he doesn't ignore her to work on computers (which he's been doing lately). I told him the same thing happened in our house growing up, and that is when my mother really turned into a nag. I really don't want my sister to turn into my mother.
I was sober by the time Jeremy showed up, which was nice. We had to load up the photography equipment. We said good-byes to everyone and then went home.
When we woke Sunday morning, we got ready and went to IKEA to buy a set of dishes and then drove by our townhouse. We sign the papers and pick up the keys on Friday!!! We have an end-unit that backs up to a small park and playground. I should have checked if they have one of those merry-go-rounds. I used to love getting drunk and having contests with friends to see who would vomit first. Stupid, I know, but it killed time in our pathetic, little lives.
Brendan and Amanda live in the same complex, so already we feel more comfortable. I can't wait to have barbecues with them. Also, Brendan and I have sort of started a writer's group. Since I have the workshop background, I think he's looking to me to really set parameters and explain the process. So far, we've worked on a large portion of a novel he is writing and two of my shorter fiction pieces. I am working with two others, but they are not in the area at present. I am hoping that Mike will drive down from Fenton every so often to meet, and that Eric will, at least, send more through email.
Jeremy and I are pricing new furniture and planning the rest of our summer. We plan to meet up with Mike and Noelle mid-August, and we will go to Traverse City with Joel and Jill for a weekend in two-three weeks. We may even hit the Tom Petty concert at DTE. Maybe Melissa and Neil want to go with us. Or perhaps Becky and Dave. We'll see.
I just need to turn off my mind and get some sleep.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Brian Vander Ark at the Kraftbrau
Mike V. asked me to join him at the Brian Vander Ark performance at Kraftbrau tonight. Mike and I met for dinner, then made our way to the brewery. He drank beer and I drank wine. The show was great - it has been so long since I went to any concert, regardless of the size. It felt strange to see someone who was once so famous playing a small venue like Kraftbrau, but that doesn't mean the place wasn't packed. Perhaps a smaller audience is better for building a rapport. He was very polite and personable; I can see why Mike idolizes him so. After the performance ended (and Mike procured an autograph), Mike and I went to Monaco Bay (formerly called Rum Runners) and sat through about an hour of dueling pianos. It was a good time. Lots of discussion. Lots of drunk people. Lots of good cheer all around.
I thanked Mike V. for helping me love Kalamazoo again, especially since I am moving away next weekend. He said it is always good to leave on a good note. That just shows Mike's personality. Although he claims he is a cynic, I don't think he is. He believes in creating positive experiences wherever he goes. He is the loyal and somewhat sensitive type, who is known to write songs about those he loves. He is extremely healthy - he works out a lot and eats healthy. He is an English teacher who loves music (he sings and plays the guitar). He's good-natured and loves to read. But he just can't find sustaining love. C'mon ladies...he is prime for the picking!
I had such an incredible night. I really should hang out with friends more often. I was almost able to forget how much I miss Jeremy. I saw him last Sunday, and I will not see him again until next Thursday or Friday.
I am missing Mike K. and Noelle's barbecue next weekend because I am moving, but Noelle should be in the Detroit area mid-August. We can hang out then. I hope Mike is with her. I haven't seen him since high school. We kept in touch minimally through the years while he was in the army and when he was discharged. I was totally shocked to learn that he married Noelle - one of my friends from college. What a small world!
................................
My apartment is nearly packed in its entirety. I still have a few things that I will be using over the next week, but the boxes are sitting right next to the items.
I thanked Mike V. for helping me love Kalamazoo again, especially since I am moving away next weekend. He said it is always good to leave on a good note. That just shows Mike's personality. Although he claims he is a cynic, I don't think he is. He believes in creating positive experiences wherever he goes. He is the loyal and somewhat sensitive type, who is known to write songs about those he loves. He is extremely healthy - he works out a lot and eats healthy. He is an English teacher who loves music (he sings and plays the guitar). He's good-natured and loves to read. But he just can't find sustaining love. C'mon ladies...he is prime for the picking!
I had such an incredible night. I really should hang out with friends more often. I was almost able to forget how much I miss Jeremy. I saw him last Sunday, and I will not see him again until next Thursday or Friday.
I am missing Mike K. and Noelle's barbecue next weekend because I am moving, but Noelle should be in the Detroit area mid-August. We can hang out then. I hope Mike is with her. I haven't seen him since high school. We kept in touch minimally through the years while he was in the army and when he was discharged. I was totally shocked to learn that he married Noelle - one of my friends from college. What a small world!
................................
My apartment is nearly packed in its entirety. I still have a few things that I will be using over the next week, but the boxes are sitting right next to the items.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
feeling all song-lyric-y tonight
Gnarls Barkley
Crazy
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had to let go
In so much space
And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think your'e in control
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
..............................
I have most of my apartment packed in (mostly) neatly organized and labeled boxes. Jeremy thinks it's funny that I get like this, but it just makes the moving in part so much easier. I don't have to try to remember what I put where - it's all right there. Plus, the fragile items are clearly marked. That way, I don't have to buy all new fragile items. Somehow, though, I misplaced one plate. I have looked everywhere, including in a box that I packed other plates. I'm sure it will be in the most ridiculous place when I unpack.
Jeremy and I talked for a while tonight. He is getting all lovey-dovey. I feel it, too. I think that living with him will be quite good, even though our last run wasn't so great. It had its high points, but I don't think we were in the same place. I started my teaching career (Alicia = young professional), and Jeremy was taking a chance with new career training (Jeremy = flight student), even though he had already stepped out for the student role a year prior and had begun to work in his degreed field (criminal justice). This time, I am yet again the young professional and Jeremy is also a young professional. He will continue where is for now, pick up a second job instructing aviation, and he is starting a business that will contract him to some privatized military training.
I feel cheerful. I have successfully resisted my compulsive addictions today. I just need to get to bed without slipping down that slippery slope. The alliteration in that last sentence was not deliberate. Maybe I should write some poetry. I haven't done that in a very long time. Writing poetry has never been my thing. I've studied it - I enjoy that. I think I just have become a snob when it comes to anything in literature. I am too hard on myself when I look at my own writing. Perhaps next time, though.
Crazy
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had to let go
In so much space
And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think your'e in control
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
..............................
I have most of my apartment packed in (mostly) neatly organized and labeled boxes. Jeremy thinks it's funny that I get like this, but it just makes the moving in part so much easier. I don't have to try to remember what I put where - it's all right there. Plus, the fragile items are clearly marked. That way, I don't have to buy all new fragile items. Somehow, though, I misplaced one plate. I have looked everywhere, including in a box that I packed other plates. I'm sure it will be in the most ridiculous place when I unpack.
Jeremy and I talked for a while tonight. He is getting all lovey-dovey. I feel it, too. I think that living with him will be quite good, even though our last run wasn't so great. It had its high points, but I don't think we were in the same place. I started my teaching career (Alicia = young professional), and Jeremy was taking a chance with new career training (Jeremy = flight student), even though he had already stepped out for the student role a year prior and had begun to work in his degreed field (criminal justice). This time, I am yet again the young professional and Jeremy is also a young professional. He will continue where is for now, pick up a second job instructing aviation, and he is starting a business that will contract him to some privatized military training.
I feel cheerful. I have successfully resisted my compulsive addictions today. I just need to get to bed without slipping down that slippery slope. The alliteration in that last sentence was not deliberate. Maybe I should write some poetry. I haven't done that in a very long time. Writing poetry has never been my thing. I've studied it - I enjoy that. I think I just have become a snob when it comes to anything in literature. I am too hard on myself when I look at my own writing. Perhaps next time, though.
...
Why do I bother sharing the details of me life? I have veered off the path I originally intended with this. That's okay, though. Life is change, so why shouldn't my blog follow suit? I am ready for change. I want change. I need change.
My life feels quite different lately. I feel like I put on new skin or something - not that I PUT ON skin. This isn't Silence of the Lambs.
And an ironic thought to ponder:
Is destruction really just creation?
My life feels quite different lately. I feel like I put on new skin or something - not that I PUT ON skin. This isn't Silence of the Lambs.
And an ironic thought to ponder:
Is destruction really just creation?
Friday, July 14, 2006
Anonymous Maura
I realized tonight that some of my behaviors these past few years are clear indicators of a much larger issue. While part of the healing process is acknowledging that there is, in fact, a problem, I feel strange about revealing it here now. I'm sure that, as time goes on, it will seep into my posts, as I feel it should.
Finding myself following in my normal pattern today, I had the same emotions and thoughts, but this time, I gave myself a short pep talk and decided to do some research into some of the "___ Anonymous" meetings in the area. Many others who suffer from this had posted comments on a support website. I read a few, thought they sounded familiar, and then I read one that really could have been written by me. The woman described her life - it was so similar to mine (relationships, career, hobbies, interests, family, etc.). Her inability to control her issues brought about emotions and behaviors that were so like mine that I read it three more times and then saved it on my desktop. Thank you, Maura. You have no idea how you've already helped me...at least, with the first part.
I broke down and cried for a little while. I became so focused I totally forgot to call Jeremy back, but that hardly seems important to me at the moment.
I always thought that finding and acknowledging something like this in me would make me feel weak, but it really produces the opposite feeling. I want to go to the meeting tomorrow, but my schedule conflicts. I know I should be taking care of myself first, but some things cannot be rearranged that quickly. Just knowing there is a name for this helps me. To know I am not alone helps me.
A very different thing happened to me while reading and experiencing my connection with others...an entire novel came into focus inside of me. I haven't had a good idea in months. And this one came crashing in like waves. That means something.
I really think I am going to be okay. With help.
Finding myself following in my normal pattern today, I had the same emotions and thoughts, but this time, I gave myself a short pep talk and decided to do some research into some of the "___ Anonymous" meetings in the area. Many others who suffer from this had posted comments on a support website. I read a few, thought they sounded familiar, and then I read one that really could have been written by me. The woman described her life - it was so similar to mine (relationships, career, hobbies, interests, family, etc.). Her inability to control her issues brought about emotions and behaviors that were so like mine that I read it three more times and then saved it on my desktop. Thank you, Maura. You have no idea how you've already helped me...at least, with the first part.
I broke down and cried for a little while. I became so focused I totally forgot to call Jeremy back, but that hardly seems important to me at the moment.
I always thought that finding and acknowledging something like this in me would make me feel weak, but it really produces the opposite feeling. I want to go to the meeting tomorrow, but my schedule conflicts. I know I should be taking care of myself first, but some things cannot be rearranged that quickly. Just knowing there is a name for this helps me. To know I am not alone helps me.
A very different thing happened to me while reading and experiencing my connection with others...an entire novel came into focus inside of me. I haven't had a good idea in months. And this one came crashing in like waves. That means something.
I really think I am going to be okay. With help.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Bittersweet
I was cleaning and packing up my belongings today. I had to call maintenance because my garbage disposal wasn't working properly. The man arrived quickly and took care of the problem immediately.
It dawned on me that I am really going to miss this apartment. I absolutely LOVE the complex I live in. The floorplan is smart and modern. I have a HUGE bathroom and a HUGE kitchen. Granted, I don't have a washer and a dryer in my individual unit, but this place has simply been a terrific place to live. The surprising thing is that this is considered "luxury" living in Paw Paw. It's not what I would consider luxury, but it is definitely nifty. The staff is so helpful and they get to know the residents fairly well. Everything is run so efficiently. Jeremy even said that he likes it here. If only I could move this entire place over to the Detroit area. If I were within an hour of my job, I'd consider staying.
I am already seeing a negative with the place where I will be living. They cannot keep their office paperwork in order. They've lost several forms that I turned in on Saturday. I then had to scramble to get things squared away today, as I NEED the apartment this month. The office staff is somewhat rude, but I usually don't have any issues with management, so I really have no reason to contact them. They claim that it takes 3-4 days to process everything for new tenants, which is a total fabrication of the truth. I've been through this process so many times - most people do all of the reports and contacts in front of you. The longest one I have ever witnessed took 45 minutes. The shortest - 7 minutes (and that was because the printer was jammed). I have sparkling credit, a clear and positive tenancy record, and I submitted paystubs from my current employer, as well as a letter stating my new salary and contract details from my new school. I pointed out their ineffective use of time today. I don't think they liked that.
Why am I moving there, then? Well, they have an incredible deal: a two-bedroom townhouse with a full basement for 709.00/month, plus 100.00 off each month for four months. W/D hook-ups in the basement and they pay for the water. No pet rent, either.
We always need to weigh what's important with what we can tolerate.
It dawned on me that I am really going to miss this apartment. I absolutely LOVE the complex I live in. The floorplan is smart and modern. I have a HUGE bathroom and a HUGE kitchen. Granted, I don't have a washer and a dryer in my individual unit, but this place has simply been a terrific place to live. The surprising thing is that this is considered "luxury" living in Paw Paw. It's not what I would consider luxury, but it is definitely nifty. The staff is so helpful and they get to know the residents fairly well. Everything is run so efficiently. Jeremy even said that he likes it here. If only I could move this entire place over to the Detroit area. If I were within an hour of my job, I'd consider staying.
I am already seeing a negative with the place where I will be living. They cannot keep their office paperwork in order. They've lost several forms that I turned in on Saturday. I then had to scramble to get things squared away today, as I NEED the apartment this month. The office staff is somewhat rude, but I usually don't have any issues with management, so I really have no reason to contact them. They claim that it takes 3-4 days to process everything for new tenants, which is a total fabrication of the truth. I've been through this process so many times - most people do all of the reports and contacts in front of you. The longest one I have ever witnessed took 45 minutes. The shortest - 7 minutes (and that was because the printer was jammed). I have sparkling credit, a clear and positive tenancy record, and I submitted paystubs from my current employer, as well as a letter stating my new salary and contract details from my new school. I pointed out their ineffective use of time today. I don't think they liked that.
Why am I moving there, then? Well, they have an incredible deal: a two-bedroom townhouse with a full basement for 709.00/month, plus 100.00 off each month for four months. W/D hook-ups in the basement and they pay for the water. No pet rent, either.
We always need to weigh what's important with what we can tolerate.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Good Morning!
I woke at 10:30 today. I thought I remembered posting something last night, so I checked - and yes, I did post something. Something ridiculous. I considered removing it, but Az had already commented, so my little secret was out. What does it matter, anyway?
I am chipper and anxious to begin my day, but first I thought I'd write some of my thouhts on my blog. I had extremely vivid and creative, yet realistic, dreams. Some will, undoubtedly, find themselves in my shorter fiction collections. I just wish I felt my creative writing was ready for publication. I had both Brendan and Mike give me literary comments on them - Brendan because he's a literary snob and Mike because he writes a lot, too, and is a high school English teacher. These two provided a great deal of feedback. I think I will send my work to Eric - an old writing group partner. Perhaps we can resurect our little writing group with several new members.
I finished off a bottle of wine last night. I had had one glassful about a week or so ago, and the bottle had been sitting in my fridge since then. I just never know when to stop when it comes to wine. With hard liquor and beer, I have a limit, but wine doesn't offer me that same feeling. I originally started with one glass so that I wouldn't go and buy fast food. I wasn't about to walk 2.5 miles, and I simply will not operate a vehicle if I've consumed alcohol. I just continued to drink. I watched The Last of the Mohicans, called Autumn (told her husband to ignore the computer for an hour and spend time with his wife!), spoke to Jeremy, posted blogs, sent a couple of emails, and then went to sleep. The emails seemed like a good idea at the time, but I am not so sure now. Oh, I wrote a (really good) brand new personal statement for my grad school applications - I am resubmitting my applications to start in the winter semester as my life will be chaotic until I get the hang out things in my new school. Plus, I am going to be a little overwhelmed as I learn how to approach teaching a foreign language. I started three new stories - one seems to be something I can build into something larger. It would probably work best as a screenplay.
I should drink more often. Famous last words, right? Watch me spiral into an alcoholic nightmare. I am fairly certain I carry that gene. There is a high percentage of alcoholism in my family. Plus, a couple of years ago, I was very much a heavy drinker - I went out after work most days out the work week, then spent weekends drinking. Sometimes, I could resist and be the DD, but those moments were far and few between. I am a much more lively person while drinking, while during most of my sobriety, I am such a stick in the mud.
I am working on that.
Jeremy and I finally have "couple" friends. Joel and Jill are so much fun. We've gone out to dinner, hung out making fun of TV shows, gone for ice cream. In August, we are going up to Traverse City together to get away.
I am still a daily to-do list person, but I don't set my expectations too high anymore.
I am getting into art lately. I never really cared before - even though I've loved going to art galleries since I was little.
I started doing more photography.
I am thinking of putting together a list of things I'd like to experience before I die - not that I anticipate dying any time soon. I just think that I need find a way around regretting what I haven't done.
I am chipper and anxious to begin my day, but first I thought I'd write some of my thouhts on my blog. I had extremely vivid and creative, yet realistic, dreams. Some will, undoubtedly, find themselves in my shorter fiction collections. I just wish I felt my creative writing was ready for publication. I had both Brendan and Mike give me literary comments on them - Brendan because he's a literary snob and Mike because he writes a lot, too, and is a high school English teacher. These two provided a great deal of feedback. I think I will send my work to Eric - an old writing group partner. Perhaps we can resurect our little writing group with several new members.
I finished off a bottle of wine last night. I had had one glassful about a week or so ago, and the bottle had been sitting in my fridge since then. I just never know when to stop when it comes to wine. With hard liquor and beer, I have a limit, but wine doesn't offer me that same feeling. I originally started with one glass so that I wouldn't go and buy fast food. I wasn't about to walk 2.5 miles, and I simply will not operate a vehicle if I've consumed alcohol. I just continued to drink. I watched The Last of the Mohicans, called Autumn (told her husband to ignore the computer for an hour and spend time with his wife!), spoke to Jeremy, posted blogs, sent a couple of emails, and then went to sleep. The emails seemed like a good idea at the time, but I am not so sure now. Oh, I wrote a (really good) brand new personal statement for my grad school applications - I am resubmitting my applications to start in the winter semester as my life will be chaotic until I get the hang out things in my new school. Plus, I am going to be a little overwhelmed as I learn how to approach teaching a foreign language. I started three new stories - one seems to be something I can build into something larger. It would probably work best as a screenplay.
I should drink more often. Famous last words, right? Watch me spiral into an alcoholic nightmare. I am fairly certain I carry that gene. There is a high percentage of alcoholism in my family. Plus, a couple of years ago, I was very much a heavy drinker - I went out after work most days out the work week, then spent weekends drinking. Sometimes, I could resist and be the DD, but those moments were far and few between. I am a much more lively person while drinking, while during most of my sobriety, I am such a stick in the mud.
I am working on that.
Jeremy and I finally have "couple" friends. Joel and Jill are so much fun. We've gone out to dinner, hung out making fun of TV shows, gone for ice cream. In August, we are going up to Traverse City together to get away.
I am still a daily to-do list person, but I don't set my expectations too high anymore.
I am getting into art lately. I never really cared before - even though I've loved going to art galleries since I was little.
I started doing more photography.
I am thinking of putting together a list of things I'd like to experience before I die - not that I anticipate dying any time soon. I just think that I need find a way around regretting what I haven't done.
Monday, July 10, 2006
DRunk
I am drunk. I am very drunk. I called Jeremy to tell he's hot.he asked if Id been drinking. hell yes, I said.
having troubl finding keys.
bybye
having troubl finding keys.
bybye
...
Just another "blah" day.
I made myself French toast and potatoes for breakfast, but they really didn't cheer me up. I cannot say what is really upsetting me, for sure, but most of it probably is swirling around the fact that my "restful" summer vacation I was so eager for has really not been all that fulfilling.
Yes, I have gone on mini vacations to several places. I've gone to see an airshow. I've gone sailing with Jeremy's parents. I went to Brendan's wedding. I've spent time with relatives and friends I've been too busy to see throughout the school year. I landed a decent job in southeast Michigan. I almost have a townhouse in Canton I am moving into this month - it's being prepared while management processes my paperwork. Jeremy and I have spent a lot of time together.
I think my idea was that time would creep by while I wrote short stories, plays, maybe a screenplay or two, and a novel. Instead of writing, I've been studying German and sitting around watching DVDs. I am not even packed for my move yet.
..........................
Oh, yeah...
Congratulations to Wesley and his wife, Lynn. They are purchasing their first home - a very nice house in Florida, Wes was honorably discharged from the army (for medical reasons) but will still benefit from the education perks, and they are going to have a baby in February!!!
I made myself French toast and potatoes for breakfast, but they really didn't cheer me up. I cannot say what is really upsetting me, for sure, but most of it probably is swirling around the fact that my "restful" summer vacation I was so eager for has really not been all that fulfilling.
Yes, I have gone on mini vacations to several places. I've gone to see an airshow. I've gone sailing with Jeremy's parents. I went to Brendan's wedding. I've spent time with relatives and friends I've been too busy to see throughout the school year. I landed a decent job in southeast Michigan. I almost have a townhouse in Canton I am moving into this month - it's being prepared while management processes my paperwork. Jeremy and I have spent a lot of time together.
I think my idea was that time would creep by while I wrote short stories, plays, maybe a screenplay or two, and a novel. Instead of writing, I've been studying German and sitting around watching DVDs. I am not even packed for my move yet.
..........................
Oh, yeah...
Congratulations to Wesley and his wife, Lynn. They are purchasing their first home - a very nice house in Florida, Wes was honorably discharged from the army (for medical reasons) but will still benefit from the education perks, and they are going to have a baby in February!!!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
...
The phone calls for interviews have halted. This is typical. What usually happens is for about three weeks in the middle of the summer, no calls come in, but they do pick up again. I suppose that is okay. I have my German test on Saturday morning. In the afternoon, Jeremy and I are going to take care of all the paperwork at the complex. We almost signed for a place in Ypsi. It's actually a decent area - south section near Ford Lake, but the townhouses we are looking at are more affordable and offer more storage. Plus, I would much rather live in Canton, anyway.
I can do some landscaping both in front of and in back of my individual unit. I've missed being able to have all of my plants outside. I really took up gardening in college. I grew flowers and vegetables wherever I could.
Perhaps once we're settled in, we will have a small get-together. I would love to barbecue and entertain.
I have been studying German for the better part of the day today. I know I need to keep working on it, but I just cannot bring myself to do it.
I am feeling more positive about teaching German, but I still don't really want to do it. I know I probably could do it, so that is progress. I am hoping to be truly excited about the idea by the end of August. It usually takes me a while to get used to change. At least I have had plenty of time to let the idea grow on me.
Ich habe eine Idee...Does anyone remember enough German from years ago to hold a simple conversation with me? Meine Deutschesprache ist nicht so formal (oder gut), und ich brauche mit einander sprechen. Ich habe viele vergessen. Deutsch war mein zweite Hauptfacher in der Universitat, aber ich kann diese Sprache nicht fliesend sprechen. My German is absolutely atrocious at this point. Hilf mir, bitte!
I can do some landscaping both in front of and in back of my individual unit. I've missed being able to have all of my plants outside. I really took up gardening in college. I grew flowers and vegetables wherever I could.
Perhaps once we're settled in, we will have a small get-together. I would love to barbecue and entertain.
I have been studying German for the better part of the day today. I know I need to keep working on it, but I just cannot bring myself to do it.
I am feeling more positive about teaching German, but I still don't really want to do it. I know I probably could do it, so that is progress. I am hoping to be truly excited about the idea by the end of August. It usually takes me a while to get used to change. At least I have had plenty of time to let the idea grow on me.
Ich habe eine Idee...Does anyone remember enough German from years ago to hold a simple conversation with me? Meine Deutschesprache ist nicht so formal (oder gut), und ich brauche mit einander sprechen. Ich habe viele vergessen. Deutsch war mein zweite Hauptfacher in der Universitat, aber ich kann diese Sprache nicht fliesend sprechen. My German is absolutely atrocious at this point. Hilf mir, bitte!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
(Not necessarily) thought provoking questions
Is it possible to have low self-esteem and actually be aware of it? Or is self-esteem like craziness in that if you think you are crazy, you have self-awareness and are, therefore, not crazy?
Does anyone produce what they truly are capable of doing?
Does hoping someone die in some way help that person die?
What do my cats dream?
Is there anyone who is truly him or herself on the internet?
Why do humans collect things? Is it a way to have a tangible memory?
Why are people so afraid of honesty?
Is it possible to forgive people who have seriously wronged us? (I'm not talking about stealing, cheating, etc.)
Do parents ever see their children as adults?
What will anthropologists thousands of years in the future think of my remains?
Why do people think that teachers are pinnacles of professionalism? They are average, middle-class people.
Does anyone produce what they truly are capable of doing?
Does hoping someone die in some way help that person die?
What do my cats dream?
Is there anyone who is truly him or herself on the internet?
Why do humans collect things? Is it a way to have a tangible memory?
Why are people so afraid of honesty?
Is it possible to forgive people who have seriously wronged us? (I'm not talking about stealing, cheating, etc.)
Do parents ever see their children as adults?
What will anthropologists thousands of years in the future think of my remains?
Why do people think that teachers are pinnacles of professionalism? They are average, middle-class people.
Stick a fork in me
So, Jeremy and I had a wonderful time with our respective families. I relaxed and took in the sights. I was thinking of posting some of the pictures, but most of the good ones have people in them, and I really don't feel comfortable posting pictures of others without their permission.
Port Sanilac was lovely. We stayed on the boat overnight and then sailed down to Lexington on Tuesday morning. We visited with Jeremy's grandmother for a short while and then had to get a ride back to his car to drive to my parents' house. The barbecue was nice. We helped my parents clean up and then crashed at their house.
This morning, we went apartment hunting again. We visited places in Ypsi and Canton - Canton is definitely the winner. Jeremy loved the one I had picked out a week ago.
$709 - 750 a month (depending on the upgrades), 2-bedroom townhouse, complete with a basement. Several available this month, patios in courtyards, allow pets and there is NO monthly charge. Water is included, and there are washer/dryer hookups in the basement. Best Buy has a decent deal right now - full size washer and dryer combo for $400 - they are adequate for rental living. And they have a hell of an incentive to sign a lease this month (money off each month for four months!). We don't need anything extravagant, so this place is a great deal.
Now, I'm back in Paw Paw, trying to gather everything I need for my test of Saturday (German MTTC), as well as all of the paperwork I will need for my rental application.
I'm exhausted - I need a vacation from my vacation.
Port Sanilac was lovely. We stayed on the boat overnight and then sailed down to Lexington on Tuesday morning. We visited with Jeremy's grandmother for a short while and then had to get a ride back to his car to drive to my parents' house. The barbecue was nice. We helped my parents clean up and then crashed at their house.
This morning, we went apartment hunting again. We visited places in Ypsi and Canton - Canton is definitely the winner. Jeremy loved the one I had picked out a week ago.
$709 - 750 a month (depending on the upgrades), 2-bedroom townhouse, complete with a basement. Several available this month, patios in courtyards, allow pets and there is NO monthly charge. Water is included, and there are washer/dryer hookups in the basement. Best Buy has a decent deal right now - full size washer and dryer combo for $400 - they are adequate for rental living. And they have a hell of an incentive to sign a lease this month (money off each month for four months!). We don't need anything extravagant, so this place is a great deal.
Now, I'm back in Paw Paw, trying to gather everything I need for my test of Saturday (German MTTC), as well as all of the paperwork I will need for my rental application.
I'm exhausted - I need a vacation from my vacation.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Vacation
Jeremy and I drove to Traverse City yesterday. What a beautiful day! Sunshine, warm weather, lots of things going on...
We sat on the beach and watched the airshow. I've never seen an airshow over the water, so that was a nice change. I will try to convince Jeremy's parents to sail up there next summer for the event.
I now have a terrible sunburn, which stings like mad. My cotton shirts are not soft enough. I used sunscreen, but apparently SPF 15 isn't strong enough for my Polish skin. We are driving to meet Jeremy's parents in Port Sanilac, spend the night on the boat, then we are going to my parents' barbecue on the 4th. Then, on the 5th, Jeremy and I are going to view several apartments in Canton, Ypsi, Westland, Livonia, Belleville, and possibly Ann Arbor. We are finally earning enough to live somewhere decent, but we want to save up for a down payment on a house. That leaves us with a strange predicament - live some place we like and can afford or live somewhere decent that will help us save some dough. Maybe we will find the happy medium.
We sat on the beach and watched the airshow. I've never seen an airshow over the water, so that was a nice change. I will try to convince Jeremy's parents to sail up there next summer for the event.
I now have a terrible sunburn, which stings like mad. My cotton shirts are not soft enough. I used sunscreen, but apparently SPF 15 isn't strong enough for my Polish skin. We are driving to meet Jeremy's parents in Port Sanilac, spend the night on the boat, then we are going to my parents' barbecue on the 4th. Then, on the 5th, Jeremy and I are going to view several apartments in Canton, Ypsi, Westland, Livonia, Belleville, and possibly Ann Arbor. We are finally earning enough to live somewhere decent, but we want to save up for a down payment on a house. That leaves us with a strange predicament - live some place we like and can afford or live somewhere decent that will help us save some dough. Maybe we will find the happy medium.
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