Monday, May 31, 2010

New Beginnings

Stipulation #3

You must accompany me to events I enjoy (not every single one) to show that you support and enjoy who I am as an individual. Conversely, I will attend events you enjoy because I want to share moments you enjoy, too.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

New Beginnings

Stipulation #2

You need to have your life in order, even if you are still working toward a degree or some sort of license for a sustainable career and income.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

New Beginnings

Stipulation #1

If you haven't decided within a year that what we have is headed toward marriage, there is no reason to stay together. I'm not going to waste any more time on anyone who doesn't have the conviction to follow through.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Recurring Dream

I am no stranger to recurring dreams, even though the loss of teeth dream hasn't been a regular for some years. The latest dream is that I forget where I've parked my car in downtown Ann Arbor (although it's quite hilly on some streets). It's winter, and snow is piled high everywhere. It's dark, and I am desperately trying to find my car because I have to go to work.

Sometimes, I experience slight variations...traveling with a small group of musicians, running from someone who has stolen my shoes, moving in slow motion while everyone else functions at regular speed...

I have no sense of direction in these dreams, and I know how that relates to my life. I don't know what it means that my car is simply gone from all of the places.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Friend

Please don't ignore me. You've always had a princess mentality, despite definitely not being a princess. Perhaps you never got to be one in a father's or a lover's eye. That has nothing to do with me, and it has never really gotten in the way.

We used to be good friends. Then you thought you were too good for all of us.

I just want my friend back. I want to be able to confide in someone who understands the different dimensions of it all. You were always that person.

I've always had your back; however, I now wonder if you've ever had mine.

I really need my friend.


I'm probably the one who ruined it all. I held back the things that would help you to fully understand my predicament. It's not a class thing. I respect anyone who stands where they are and strives for something. I can't tell you. I can't share because it's not mine to share. It affects me, though. It affects my future. It affects the parts of my life that I have yet to experience...that I want to experience.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

You

Hey!

You know what?

I don't want to. YOU are in the wrong. YOU!

F' off.

Arguments, Disappoint, Declined Invitations...

I think I feel down lately because I am sick. I just got over something, it is seems that another cold was just waiting for its moment.

I invited someone out for an evening, but he declined. I was sad about this, but I will get over it.

I was invited out to dinner by someone who has not asked to see me in a long time. I wasn't feeling well at that point, so I declined.


I don't think anyone understands how I work, and I feel disappointed.


On top of this strange turn of events today, I got into an argument with a friend. He expressed that I make(or will make) too much in my profession. I think people fail to understand that teachers are paid a 10-month salary. Most of us request that our paychecks be spaced out over the summer so that we can balance our monthly budgets. It's a 10-month (9 full month) salary, folks. It's not an annual salary - that's why we are not paid what others are paid for having to acquire the same amount of training and degrees. Get a clue, people!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Still

I'm not accustomed to the "bad" days anymore. I set my expectations too high for the circumstances of my life today, and I felt really depressed this evening when things didn't pan out the way I had envisioned.

I am so tired of standing still.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

almost there

I used to be in control of almost every aspect of my life. I felt it necessary to have this control, even though it was destroying me. Since my life, pretty much, fell apart over a year ago, I've been focusing on only controlling the parts of my life that are my responsibility.

The deep level of unhappiness I experienced was not healthy, but I enjoyed the control. I had people wrapped around my finger.


I now feel much happier on a daily basis. I miss some of the aspects of the life I used to lead, and I've tried to regain them. I've failed. I no longer have anyone wrapped around any finger, and I feel irritated by this when I should be pleased that I no longer feel as though I am manipulating anyone. Every experience is supposed to be based on a partnership - with nature, with other people, etc.

I remember having a healthy outlook on the world a long time ago. I remember feeling that tug-of-war in a healthy way. I changed, fundamentally. I became scared of adventure, power struggles, and new experiences. I let these things take over the positive life experiences I had.

That is part of my decision to plan a road trip for the summer. I want to be alone. I want to push myself back out into the world that I want to trust and experience in a way I wasn't ready to do ten years ago - in a way I still wasn't ready to do one year ago.

I'm stronger now.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Better

Life seems to be getting better on many fronts, but I am still left without a solid direction. I want to somehow transport myself five years into the future. I want to be married. I want to have children. I want to be far into my Ph.D. program. I just don't know how to make it all happen.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

...

How is it possible for someone to say or not say something and completely destroy me?