Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Turn

I received an apology for something that upset me earlier in my vacation, even though I had already decided to let the matter go and was willing to forget it. I was surprised.

I've decided to get my life moving again. Some discussion with an old friend tonight really made a few things clear. There was no judgment. There was only understanding. He's kind of in the same place, so although he could tell me what I need to be doing, he fully recognizes that it's more difficult than just accepting and following advice.

Monday, December 27, 2010

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So, there's a weird buzz in the air. I think this desire to remain single for a decently long period of time is finally starting to shift. I wouldn't mind being part of a couple, as long as the whole thing progressed slowly.

Now all I need to do is find the right guy, I guess. No problem, right?

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!

I celebrated Christmas Eve with my immediate family. I received some of the things I asked for. I also received some stuff I really have no use for. I suppose that is the normal progression of things, right?

I was happy that people thought of me, and I was even happier that they liked what I had made or purchased for them.

We had a really relaxed celebration. My dad made homemade pesto pizza (which will be a more-than-exquisite breakfast tomorrow as I spend yet another Christmas Day alone). Mom had stopped by Ruby Tuesday to buy croutons by the pound for our salad (since they are my and my dad's favorite).

I brought homemade bread and some cookies (Autumn devoured the cookies).

We opened presents in the living room, a fairly standard practice. I was disappointed to see that my sister and her husband had a few more boxes to open than I did. This was not due to there being two of them.

My parents opted for a gift card for me to IKEA. While it's not a bad gift, I just sort of felt left out when I had provided my parents an emailed wish list from Target, itemizing a number of things that I would have liked (namely lamps and some odds and ends I could really use). I find most stuff at IKEA to be absolute garbage (especially their lighting products), excluding the couch I am sitting on now (although I don't think it's going to last for too many years). I had told them previously that I don't want anything else from IKEA because it all breaks so easily.

I know this makes me sound ungrateful. It just would have been nice to get a gift card for Target since everything I would like is there. Or, perhaps, a gift card to any place other than IKEA.

I didn't share my dissatisfaction. I had to stop myself after I asked them what I should get there, trying to send the message that I hate the place without causing some stupid argument. My mother replied, "Arm chairs that go with your couch...oh, wait, you bought other chairs...um, lamps, oh, the lamps you want are at Target." She then said she didn't know because everything I want is at Target this year. Really? I mean, really? How can one listen, seem to understand, and then not connect the dots?

I tried not to sulk because they bought me other things that I had asked for. I tried to keep myself in good spirits. I thanked Autumn for the presents she gave me. She said it was easy; I had emailed her a list from Target.


I hate receiving gift cards. I find them cop-outs to actually getting something for someone. Sometimes, that's fine, but if someone provides you with a detailed list and you are going to spend the same amount, why not get the items they want to open? It makes them feel special when they know that you ordered, found, carried, wrapped, and given that special item. I also have a terrible habit of not spending gift cards on myself. I wait for someone else to have a birthday or, hell, even the next Christmas to spend them on other people. I wouldn't want to buy anyone anything at IKEA, though. Wobbly dressers and kitchenware that falls apart while you are using it are not the right way to say 'I care.'

I'm certain I will go in there, battling the sea of pushy, loud, obnoxious, vile assholes each with their four to seven children in tow, to find something "special" to spend my gift card on. And I'll love it.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Friend

I spent many hours talking to someone about life last night. I'm so grateful that he's softened so much from high school, although he was never outright mean to me, specifically. He and I have caught up on several occasions in the past couple of years - for his thirtieth birthday two years ago and on Facebook when I was dealing with new relationship issues.

He was diagnosed earlier this year with cancer. He's an optimistic person, and he was able to beat it very quickly with surgery and radiation. This visit home is more of a celebration of life than Christmas, although there has already been some merriment for him.

He put a few things in perspective for me, and through our interaction last night, I think he sees me in a broader context. I've been feeling a little down lately, and he knew what to say and do to lift my spirits. It's been quite some time since someone was able to figure me out like that. It felt very good learning that I don't have to feel the loss of a former friend because I have some pretty wonderful ones around me now. They may not say things in the exact way Mike would, but they offer exactly what he used to.

I plan to hang out again tonight, but I offered my place as a setting. We don't need to be hanging out in loud bars, etc. I just need to finish cleaning my living room, dining room, and kitchen. I think I might box up most of the stuff and throw it in my music/clutter room upstairs.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Seasonal Sadness

I feel really depressed today. The day started with so much potential. I slept in until 8:00. I organized the linen closet and then started to get my living room clutter under control (minimally). I sat down to eat breakfast and wound up watching crappy and depressing movies on Hulu.

The depression is making it very easy to avoid the Christmas shopping I still need to do. I am actually daydreaming about the different ways I could die. I know some might see this as a cry for help, but please be assured that I would never, in fact, commit suicide.

I'm just feeling low. Alone. Very alone. And not the good kind of alone that spurs a sensation of independence. It's the kind that makes me feel like I have no solid place. I don't belong anywhere.

This may be the first time in over a month that I've allowed myself to really feel the emotions rolling around inside of me. I usually don't have time to feel anything. I just sort of live my life day-to-day and eventually get tired enough to fall asleep. Going numb has helped me get through some crazy levels of stress at work.

Speaking of work, I really should put something in motion to teach in Germany, Austria, Switzerland, or Liechtenstein next year. I should do it for me, but I could do it to find out if R was serious about wanting to go with me. Why does he say such things to me, especially after I told him I like him? Doesn't he know that that might give me (false) hope? Or should I just buy into what Christine keeps saying...that men are fucking stupid? I really don't want to believe that.

I don't feel as though I really have anyone I can talk to. Eric has his own drama and doesn't need anything else to weigh him down. He gets too intellectual about these things sometimes, too, which makes me feel like I have to put on the academic hat to peruse his problems and my problems. Tony made a snide comment to me last week which I will never forgive him for. Maia is in Canada. Christine just wants to complain about men. James just wants to drink. Joe has Carrie and Carrie has Joe (not that Carrie and I have done much of the supportive stuff with each other in the past couple of years). Maureen is no longer my friend. Jeremy wants to focus on building a relationship again when all I want is someone to unload on right now. Marco and I don't know each other well enough. Melissa's still in the blissful newly-wed stage of her marriage, so she rarely has time for me. In fact, we haven't even met to celebrate our birthdays (October birthdays). Mike A. is MIA, although I see him on FB. I am tempted to cut him out because he hasn't responded much in the past few months. Mike V. is no longer my friend. The truly sad thing is that he is the only person in the world who would know exactly what to do or say that would turn my entire day around. Aaron only offers suggestions of sleeping around. He doesn't really listen to what I'm feeling.

I hate this time of year. I hate weekends. I hate being so alone. I hate feeling like I have to put on a happy face for everyone and everything because I have no one to be close to. I hate Christmas cards this year, with my friends' and family's (playful but depressing) suggestions that I get a "dear" for Christmas. I burned several of them in my fireplace, and then felt guilt, regret, and panic that something could happen to these people and I don't even have the last thing they wrote to me.

I've decided that I will go to my classroom next week to put up new posters, etc. Perhaps I might even get my lesson plans done then so I don't have to worry about them the Sunday before we return. The only place where I feel like I have purpose is at work. This is probably because it was all I had to hang on to a couple of years ago when my entire life fell apart. I had my students. I had my classroom. I had something. Then I got laid off. Being called back last year was a good thing, overall, but the kids were awful. This year's students are similar to the students I had two years ago. Their hearts are good ones.

I'm hoping that writing this will help me process some of the dark emotions so that I can move forward and feel happier this weekend. I want to lead myself to believe that because I have expressed these thoughts somewhere I will not need to carry them around with me. I think I will just watch some YouTube videos or start The X-Files series again and drink alcohol today.

Wait, scratch the last part. I will need to drive later when I muster the strength to go Christmas shopping tonight (yes, tonight, when most people are out on dates and visiting friends and enjoying drinks at bars).

Friday, December 17, 2010

Where is he!?!

So, the last month or so has been really stressful. I have focused primarily on work, simply because there is just so much to do. I also find my stress relief at work. I see R almost every day. Our playful dynamic is wonderful, but it is probably headed nowhere.

I told him yesterday that I like him. I was feeling bold, and we were talking like we usually do. He didn't share any reciprocal feelings or really comment on it at all. Instead, we just continued with the flirting and discussion. I was fine with this. I really hadn't told him to get him to admit the same feelings (although I wouldn't have complained if he had done that). It was more about liberating myself and putting myself back out into the world of the living.

We hung out a lot after I had told him what I was feeling. I don't know why I allowed it. It seems stupid for me to put myself out there and not have the other person really do anything. As we continued our discussion, he moved closer in the room (I can chart the weeks through discussion topics and physical proximity). Before he left, we discussed our desire to leave the U.S. to find some other place to live where the general population isn't so lazy, whiny, and egotistical. When I mentioned my (now-changing) plans to move to Germany for at least a year, he said he might just come with me. How am I supposed to take that when he couldn't even respond with anything after I exposed my feelings? How can I not hope?

He is communicative, but he seems somewhat closed off emotionally at times (at least when we discuss relationship-typed stuff). I've commented on this aspect of his personality, and he asks me how I can know so much about him...about the multitudes of things we don't discuss when we discuss so much. Why do I keep finding such damaged men? Why can't I seem to get anything going with them? Duh...because they're damaged.

He doesn't seem to want to stop our banter, our playful dynamic, or our daily routine of 1-2 hours of discussion, sharing, and joking. Eric thinks that R is probably not a closer. I somewhat agree. If he were truly interested, he would have set up something when I shared my crush, right?


I feel like quoting Charlotte(?) from Sex and the City (I've never really watched the show...I just heard this in a preview on TV): I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted. Where is he!?!

Sunday, December 05, 2010

30

I think 30 scared him a little. Just a little. He thought I might be 28, which didn't seem so far from his nearly 26 years. I wanted to be 28 in that moment so that he could be right, so that he could not be scared that I am so far away from him because I'm not that far away from him.

It hasn't stopped our dynamic, so far, and I am eager to see if he looks beyond it. We are, clearly, becoming close friends with a side helping of flirtation. I rather like it, and he seems to not be able to get enough of it. I base this on his inability to stay away.

I enjoy his sense of humor, his inquisitive nature when he doesn't understand the words I use or the concepts I am discussing, and his general good gentlemanly persona. So many people aren't able to take my sarcasm. So many people don't ask about things of which they are uncertain. And so many people lack proper manners.

He's a good-looking guy who knows how to do stuff. He had tried going to college after high school, but it really wasn't for him as a younger man. He wants to do something now, which might suit him better. He knows about maintenance of homes and some carpentry. He has done electrician-type work and he seems to pick up new things quickly. He's patient and balanced in his daily life, even though he is tired of waiting for things to improve (who isn't waiting for that?). The more he shares with me, the more I want to learn about this man I see almost every day. I'm not interested in seeing if he is going to pick up the slack that others have left; it's more about me wanting to learn about him and what he has to offer. And yes, I know he has to have annoying habits...and I can't wait to find out what they are - if he'll let me.

I knew truly healing would be like this, small bits at a time.


On a somewhat related note, J. called to make plans yesterday. I wasn't feeling up to it, and even if dinner went well, I know I'd be thinking of someone else. A. never calls, so I suppose going out to dinner and then watching a movie afterward last weekend didn't get him to the point of acting on his own. Oh, well. The old R. called me last night to invite me over. I declined because of several things. One, I feel as though a slight cold may be coming on. Two, I am thinking about the new R. And three, I am not interested in watching him try his best moves to seduce me and then getting pissed off that I am able to keep myself composed and not sleep with him. He did let me know that he is off of work for the rest of this month. I'm surprised he would mention that. Let's just see if he tries to invite me out for dinner or something. Yeah, that won't happen. I am an afterthought to him, at best.