Raw fingertips

I played both of my ukuleles today for over six hours. My fingertips are raw, but I have two new songs. I need to record myself. If Jeremy and I had actually decided on a camera for Christmas, I could have posted them tonight.

And then everyone could be subject to my awful singing voice. Jeremy wouldn't be the only with assailed ears!

Poems in a drawer

I wrote two new lyric poems today. I don't know yet if they will amount to songs, but it still felt good to do some writing. This vacation has been slow-going, but there have been many things to inspire me.

Both poems are really rough, and I don't feel like sharing them tonight. I have tucked them away in a drawer with ink cartridges and a stapler.

I went shopping tonight. I bought several sweaters and a light jacket. Now, I just need to work up the motivation to exercise. Then, I will know I have completed all of the tasks I set for myself today.


Autumn's birthday yesterday was decent. We went to Logan's and then came back to my place for dessert. It's been a while since I had guests over. Jeremy tends to have his buddies over, and I always feel ashamed that the house is not in order. Luckily, Jeremy helped me clean and straighten up the house yesterday afternoon. It was good that I didn't have to feel like I was being judged by my mother.

Stringed Instrument Indecision 2008

So, my parents gave me cash for Christmas. That was never the practice before. They told me to buy something for myself. I am torn between two items - a baritone ukulele and a violin. I cannot make up my mind, and sales are almost over. I don't know if I should just order both.

What do you think?

Fifteen

Who was I at fifteen?

The Talk

No, it's not a parent-child sex talk story, although I do have a 100-word story with that specific situation (from 2000 or 2001) that I might consider posting at some point.

Jeremy and I had a lengthy discussion tonight about, well, almost everything in our relationship, from our laziness about chores to a spiritual connection. He didn't shy away from talking about our feelings, although his body language told me that he felt uncomfortable. He turned slightly away from me, which I commented on. He made the effort to face me and really forced himself to maintain eye contact.

I usually don't get to have full conversations about that stuff with him. I'm hoping that this will mark a new direction for us. Relationships don't run themselves; they are work. It is necessary for the couple to sit down every so often inform the other about their concerns in a calm, rational manner. We haven't had one of our discussions in some time, and it was great to voice some things that have been causing me to lose sight of what's important. He shared his perspective on some of these things, too, which made me think things, like "God, I miss this!" Thoughts like that tell me that we used to do this a lot more and, at some point, we stopped. I don't like that we have grown too comfortable in our roles. It's time to shake things up a bit, I think.

(very) rough draft

So, I decided to share something that's been rolling around in my head today. It's rough, to say the least, and I don't know if I should be sharing it just yet, but I am taking a small leap of faith here. Be kind; this is just the beginning stage of my (writing) process.

I don't have the chords just yet, but I do have a progression in mind (What key does 'Hey There, Delilah' start in? D Major? That's the key I hear in my head.). It would sound so much better on a baritone uke than my tenor uke. Perhaps I will be making my collection well-rounded (soprano, tenor, and baritone) this coming year.

...

A Dream of the Earth


I'm only worth the words
dripping from my mouth
My tired soul bound to the ground


Walking and twisting away
Frightened by the end of my search
to discover I am the dream of the Earth.


Shadows slinking down
to the empty places
where we used to be


So, leaving today
Looking down to the places
that we leave behind


Drifting through the memories
of when I was her -
just a small dream of the Earth.


Fluttering on the wind
of ideas gone awry
always a sad, old lie


Bravely marching forward
to every new scene
wondering what sad thoughts really mean


And I'm walking again
In streams of rain
That wash away the dream of the Earth

Writing

Joe pointed out that I seem to dwell on one specific issue on my MySpace blog. I won't say that I don't write about it a lot - it is something that I have been struggling to understand for some time. I jumped the gun a little by suggesting to a few very close friends what I thought the underlying issue was, but it doesn't feel like that is truly the root. I explained the closest I could to what I was feeling - I didn't have another word for it. It's not quite that, but it is at the same time. It's like my emotions are tangled, and there is no way to see what they are outside of the intricate knot that exists, so I grasp at concepts that aren't always accurate. I know I post a lot there, but sometimes, I don't share my other writings. I set a number of them as "private." I mean, even that post was only able to be viewed by the short list of people on my preferred list.

I wish I was brave enough to share ALL of my writing. I have two blogs that I update fairly regularly. I sometimes write in a journal. I also write lists, songs, poetry, short stories, short plays (that could be performed in about 10 minutes), letters, self-reflective pieces, academic papers, plans for my life, and so on.

If I were to share all of these writings, my friends would see that on a daily basis, I don't really dwell on any one thing more than another. I think that I am just uncomfortable breaking away from sharing what they already know about me. It's okay for me to share emotions because we've all felt those, but sharing what is a true creation of mine is totally different. I feel self-conscious and scared that my fiction isn't profound enough or that my plays don't embody the essence of humanity.

My songs seem to focus on either deep emotion or they are goofy and overtly sexual, the latter of which not being something I have ever felt comfortable sharing with an audience. My upbringing in a house that did not acknowledge and discuss that part of human existence makes me feel bashful when the topic comes up. I know my lyrics are a way of making light of my own insecurities and embarrassment over such issues, but to share them would make me feel ashamed.

How do I get myself to feel comfortable sharing all of my writing? How do I move beyond the worry that my friends might laugh at something that I couldn't bear to know is terrible? I used to share my writing with a small group of writers, and that was okay. Perhaps I need to give Eric a call and locate Gwen and Scot to start that back up.


And, on a related note, I write so much because, at any given moment, I have at least five different things going on in my head. There is always a running list of tasks that need to be completed (sort of like the ticker at the bottom of CNN or FOXNews), usually two or three daydreams going on simultaneously (and they stay separate in my mind, even if they completely contradict each other), my inner voice that is commenting on the scenarios and how they relate to my life, and another voice that says why I shouldn't share certain thoughts or why I need to worry about something. I consider the last one to be the editor or the filter, and it tends to have the most control. Is there a way to stop this? When I used to do yoga (or if I'd had a couple glasses of wine), I could cut it down to maybe three things, but never could I just have one. It would be so wonderful to give my mind a break. It's always racing, especially in the middle of the night.

I've shared some of the thoughts with Jeremy on occasion - he was overwhelmed with just the different ideas going through my mind in a short two-minute interval. He tells me he doesn't know how I do it. I asked what he meant, in one instance, and he said that with all the ideas going on, he had no idea how I could function like a normal person. A "normal" person. I know he wasn't trying to call me strange or make me feel upset, but I tend to feel like other people's words are cryptic, and therefore, need analysis. I don't think I am abnormal. Am I?

Feeling of Ick

I feel down. It's not for any particular reason, though. Something just feels off today. I had planned to get a lot of housecleaning done. It didn't happen. I planned to work on curriculum. I will admit I did that. I failed to grade student work. I found out I earned a 4.0 this semester in grad school, which is great.

I think I just needed time for me. I spent a lot of time upstairs here on the computer, but Jeremy is downstairs on his laptop, and it just seems like I have no time on my own. I rarely want this time. I prefer to be around others most of the time.

I miss certain friends. I keep trying to make plans with Maureen, Melissa, and Becky, but things fall through. At least one of us is usually sick at any given moment. Mike is not a part of my social life anymore, and I definitely feel the loss. I'm sure Jeremy is happy to have me all to himself, but I am snippy and not the best company possible today.

I am considering cleaning out the spare room. The truth is that I've been avoiding it for some time, and I think I have a lot of stuff I've needed for months hanging out in the closet. I've just been too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed, or too distracted to get to it. I think this is my chance. Maybe afterward I will get outside and go for a walk in this cold weather. Sure my cough will get worse, but the fresh air will do me good.

Another Snow Day

I received my snow day call earlier that usual. My district often calls them quite late. I decided to go back to sleep, as I spent most of the night coughing. I don't feel awful, and I'd really like to fly somewhere this weekend, but I feel like I'd be putting other people through hell thinking that they are going to catch this cold.

I don't know why I keep getting sick. Over the past four months, I have spent much of my time recovering. I believe my immune system is compromised simply because of where I work. The building is old, the ventilation system is non-existent, and there is so much mold and asbestos that it weakens me on a daily basis.

I also haven't been as active as I'd like. My weariness (and my constant sneezing and coughing) has kept me away from the gym. That does factor in, I suppose.


I think I will start my day today by scrubbing the kitchen. I don't think we are going to find a flight to Frankfurt with seats available today. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a seat or two. Then all I have to do is find a place for us to stay while we are there - which will NOT be easy. Nuremberg is sort of the "official" center of German Christmas festivities. That's why we want to go there right now.

9:00 on a Saturday

I don't remember the last time I saw 9:00 AM on a Saturday. I woke before 7:00 today, having slept from 9:00 PM last night. I couldn't believe it. I did dishes and cleaned some of the bathroom. I booted up the computer and looked over several items to make a short Christmas list. The only thing I need is a winter coat (and Jeremy was with me while I picked one out at Dick's Sporting Goods last night). It's more expensive than the limit we had set for ourselves, as North Face products can be pricey, but we decided to tweak the numbers this year. I really need a coat (I've been simply wearing three or four layers of clothes under one of Jeremy's old thinly-lined coats), and the one I tried on is perfect. I don't need anything else, and I can't bear to ask anyone for anything that I wouldn't probably get for myself, anyway. Christmas will be incredibly small this year - everyone is struggling financially, whether it is due to job loss or governmental dipping into already-established retirement funds (which I find horrifically disturbing - taking money from those who did prepare for their futures to give to people who didn't and to help business recover profit loss).

I might ask my parents for a Gorillapod for my camera this year. I don't really need a major tripod, as I don't really have a nice digital camera just yet. I have a decent one that I will continue to use for a while before upgrading (probably next year). I also might ask for a violin. I found a great deal on one online. My parents ordered my tenor ukulele from the same company last year, as well as a bunch of percussion instruments. I just feel strange, though, asking for something that is not necessary. I was just wishing last year for a tenor uke, and I could not believe that my parents got me one. They raised me to be overly practical, so splurging on something like that for me is outrageous.

I ended up not having percussion rehearsal last night, so I looked over my project notes. I have so much work ahead of me. I need to plan better next semester. There is just too much to accomplish before Monday.

Jeremy is on duty for breakfast today, as I did dishes and gathered dirty clothes this morning. He also has to run errands, even though I cautioned him to hurry. He also has homework to do. I can't stand when life gets in the way of formal education.

Restless

I can't sleep. I haven't really tried to sleep, but I think it will be difficult. I slept for an hour or two in my living, both on the floor and on the couch, as well as a little on both at the same time.

My mind is racing, as it usually does at this hour. I need to set a wedding date already. I don't understand why I am making such a big deal about this. I need to get back on the fitness thing. I've just been so sleepy lately with reduced sunlight. I never experienced such a strong shift before. It's so strange. Perhaps I should get one of those light boxes. I need to get my place organized, but I like cleaning in the middle of the night. Neighbors don't like to hear vacuum cleaners then. I should be writing the stories and songs that are always on my mind. I need to get a few household items to organize my home better. I need to do laundry. I am praying for a snow day, but I don't really need one. I just want to sleep in on a school day, but I refuse to call in sick or take a personal day. I have a concert this weekend (tickets are $12.00 each, which I find to be way too expensive!). I don't know if I will be going to my ukulele meeting this month. I have no reason not to...I just think I will veg out too much, and I will become lazy. I have a lot of copies to make tomorrow morning, so I had better get to school early. My students are lazy, so they probably won't do the work, anyway. I have an exam to finish formatting. I feel like leaving my profession in search of something different (preferably a field that doesn't focus on kids), even though I like what I do for a living. I should move somewhere else in the world. Jeremy no longer wants to move to Germany. I was working on getting my stuff together, but he now wants to stay here. He needs to stop doing this. I started thinking that maybe I should have taken either the English job in Palm Springs or the German job in Anchorage last year. Then I figure that I've already moved away to establish myself in the adult world. I came home. That should be fine, right? I miss certain friends, but the sentiment is fading. I have so much more me time, which probably makes me sound self-important. I keep thinking about words I've never used before. I don't know how I would go about incorporating these words (like 'pugnacious') into everyday conversation without sounding condescending. Then I worry that my (over)use of those sparsely-used words might make me come across as trite. Suggestions?

I sound crazy tonight. I think I might try to get some sleep, even though I am not tired. If sleep doesn't come knocking at my door, I suppose I can just stare at the wall or ceiling. I joked earlier that I should have made a pot of coffee to knock my ass out. I am starting to think that that would be a great idea (caffeine does make me extremely tired). I really should get a doctor's opinion on that situation.

When Harry Met Sally

I was thinking about this movie a lot today. I also thought about the conversations Beck and I had in college regarding some of the themes within it.

Over

I feel like I am moving beyond it. Really.

I'm shocked, too, folks.

I feel dysfunctional now that I really have no solid dysfunction.

That's as open as I feel like being tonight.

Mystery

Is it fair for me to miss the mystery that disappears when two people live together?

Good Day / Bad Day

Today felt like a bad day. The weirdest part is that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the day. I enjoyed myself here and there with reading and talking and writing. It was a rather full day, to say the least.

I didn't sleep last night, not one wink. I stared at the ceiling mostly, then at my various alarm clocks, then at the ceiling again. I was really bummed when one alarm sounded. I thought to myself that it would be great to try to get some sleep then. I reset the alarm and just continued to stare - this time at the wall next to the bed. I feel congested, but I am in good spirits.

When the alarm sounded again, I hopped up to do some laundry and get ready for the day.

I arrived at work early and proceeded to wait in line to make copies. When the machine was running, I quickly ventured off to print an attendance form and return (I was away for approximately one minute). I found another teacher had stopped the copier and had decided to start using it. His wife, (another teacher who really used to be a close friend) basically told me that I can't "take up" the copier when other people need it (there are two others in the same room that weren't being used). I was so irritated with this comment. I explained that I had stepped away from it simply because the copies were running and I needed to get something, much like she had done the week prior (and, for the record, I did not stop her copies!). I can't believe what rude, self-important people I work with.

Number one, I had been waiting in line since 6:20 AM. It was 7:00. She and her husband should have shown up early and waited like the rest of us.

Number two, I was using the machine for papers I needed first hour. I wasn't "taking up" a copier.

My students weren't working to their fullest capability today, either, except for my general English kids. I was shocked. They were polite and helpful and focused. Did Hell freeze over last night or something? What did I miss?

I worked on typing an exam for the end of the semester. I also typed up some items for my grad class. Class went by quickly. I like that our class has a distinct community feel to it. We have our routines and we all seem to get along. Jason and I walk back our cars (in the poorly-lit faraway lot), talking about our classrooms, and sometimes our mutual friends (Eve, namely).

I came home and still didn't want dinner. I know I need to eat something, but it feels way too late to eat. I have only a few papers to grade, but I feel like curling up and reading Dante's Inferno (again). It must be because my students are still reading The Odyssey. I prefer The Inferno. I think it tells a much more intellectual tale of one man's journey.

Anyway, I think I might go read for a while now. I am considering getting a bunch of Young Adult novels to read soon. I used to have a small collection when I taught in Florida, but I left most of those books there. I wish I would have at least brought Cut with me. I never got to read all of the books in my collection, but students asked for them, and I felt that the books would serve a greater purpose in their hands.

How can I still feel like today is a bad day? Nothing bad happened.

Well, I take that back. I wouldn't say something "bad" happened, but I missed my friend. I thought about him a lot today. I feel so far from where we were and who we were when we stopped speaking. I don't know what the deal is with me. I'm not feeling depressed about the situation; on the contrary, I am feeling that missing him is positive. We need to be going our separate directions at this point in our lives. There must just have been something in the air that made me think of him.

Am I mourning the loss of November? November was quite good, full of old and new memories and old and new friends. This fall has been a great one. I can't remember the last time I felt so connected to people and events. It has been a non-stop fun fest. Maybe I'm afraid December won't follow suit...December is a different beast entirely.

Scattered

I have spent a lot of time lately with a variety of friends. While it is good to reconnect with people, I find that I have neglected my home for far too long. I arrived home quite late last night. I didn't expect to have a good time at my reunion, but things went really well. Some of the people I didn't necessarily hang out with a lot were great company. We talked. We danced. We bought one another rounds of drinks.

I had forgotten how well I got along with Erin and Tara. It was strange to see the reactions early in the evening from their friends in high school. I was irritated, at first, until I realized that they were just sizing up the situation and the people, much like I was. The dirty looks went away quickly, and we were all able to communicate like we've never been able to before. I think that sort of happens when alcohol is involved.

Natalie was really friendly. We'd never had issues before, but it was really nice to sit down and talk about her wedding. Candice has a store in Livonia. Jay has a business with his dad. Tiana is just as spunky as always. Lisa and Angela showed up in their letter jackets. I can't believe I didn't expect that from those two goofballs. Brandon danced a lot with Vera's sister, and Vera turned into the protective older sister. It was funny. Tara and Erin dragged me around for a while and bought me a shot. I, of course, returned the favor.

Later on, Jay and I talked. I'm probably going to drag him to some of my ukulele things, seeing as he now has a uke of his own. He doesn't yet know how to play it, but that comes with time and practice. I kept taking his Scotch. Jay and I always got along, and it was nice to pick up where we left off. Kerry and Dave will most likely be moving away from our complex this spring. The band students clumped together, for the most part, and I visited for a short while. Then, I kind of got bored. I've seen them every couple of years with all of the weddings. I saw Kempa. I'm not sure why it surprised me that he was there. Justin and I talked a lot. He seems to be adjusting well to his new place. He won't be needing my furniture, dishes, and appliances, after all, so now I can offer them to others. Julie didn't really know who I was and asked if I am Alicia. I was a little hurt by this simply because we used to be so close, but I can understand that life has taken us far away from each other and it is easy to forget people. I tend to not forget people (or gifts they've given me, things they've said, etc.), but I understand that other people don't operate this way.

Anyway, back to my original post here (see? I am quite scattered). I've been cleaning all day. It is getting better, but there is still so much to do. There is one more round of dishes to do (I have a tiny dishwasher). I have a kitchen to clean, as well. I rearranged my living room. I don't know if I like it, but it will help to keep the cold out. I can always move things another way that will leave it open and inviting. I have gathered almost ten bags of trash from my compulsive cleaning. I didn't get a lot done last night after drinking, so I felt it necessary to clean today.

Laundry will be done tomorrow. I also have to create all of my documents for work, create my first draft of my presentation for class tomorrow, type up the rest of the English 9 semester exam, and I need to find time to do chores. The ukulele site needs a little maintenance with links, so I volunteered to do that. Wedding plans need to be set. Christmas cards and letters need to be written. Music must be practiced for my concert.

I also need to make a Christmas list. It's difficult because I like practical gifts, and there is nothing I truly need. If someone could give me time, I'd be happy, but that is just not a possibility.

My emotions are off the charts lately. I attribute a lot of my confusion and malaise to too much interaction with others. Down-time just hasn't been available. I suppose that is why I am spending the night in tonight. James had sent me a message about the Corner Brewery, but it's necessary for me to collect my thoughts and feelings. Other friends seem to be going through this, as well.

I need to train myself to be comfortable with moderation. Too much of any good thing can actually turn out to be a bad thing. I see it in several areas of my life.

Long Talks

I tried to explain to Jeremy the things I've learned about myself over the last few months. He seemed to catch a glimpse of all of the emotional stuff that has been looming over me.

He commented that it has taken three, possibly four, people to replace Mike in my life. I started to argue with him, but I realized he is right. I am opening up more to Jeremy, which is bringing us closer together (which is the point when you are planning to marry someone, right?). Joe and I have been hanging out more. We meet for drinks and talk about life while listening to music. Carrie has been around a lot lately. We are getting in good discussion time that helps to sort out all of life's crazy situations and emotions. Jessy has been playing his guitar and singing for me after school while I am grading papers...

...and Jeremy couldn't be happier. He admitted today that he has never been able to put up with Mike. He always felt like Mike got in the way. I agree. Mike has always been one to interrupt the flow of my relationship with Jeremy, but we've never been able to sit down and discuss that before.

I still miss hanging out with Mike, but I realize that he served in a capacity that made me incredibly dependent upon him. That is simply unhealthy, although many might argue another side to the situation.

Little Bits

I find telling some my truths / secrets very therapeutic. The problem is that I can only let them out in little bits at a time, or else I feel overwhelmed by emotion and I either shut down or flip out.

Jessy, Joe, and Carrie have been great listeners lately. I don't know what I would do without them. Maureen is usually someone I can talk to, but I know she is busy with work and grad school (and a live-in boyfriend...two cats...etc.). Melissa is always busy. She doesn't stay still at all. Jessy sat in my classroom and played the guitar and sang for me while I graded papers on Friday. It was awfully sweet of him.

The truths I have are nothing that I can do anything about, which is sad. I just need to find some other way of dealing with them. I have ideas, but they never seem to work out well.

About Me

I reworked the "About Me" portion of my MySpace profile page. It felt good to step outside of myself and write in a different perspective. I'm supposed to be writing an exam eight now, but I find myself more interested in working on the some of the issues I am dealing with on a personal level.

I met Joe at Fifth Avenue on Friday. I was depressed, and he tried to cheer me up. It mostly worked, but I was irritable and I didn't take his help as well as I could have. Sorry about that, Joe. I know you were trying to help. I had just reached bitch mode, which is difficult to return from. Joe left relatively early, and I felt bad because he actually helped to put me in a better mood, which he missed. I wouldn't say that I was in a great mood, but I was much better.

Tony was there. We talked over drinks. I haven't had a chance to sit down with him in years, so it felt a little weird. I didn't know what to talk about. I didn't really know enough about him and his life to know what to ask. He mentioned that he was going back to school, so we started there. I had never before realized why he spent so many years working where he does. I guess when your parent really needs your help financially, you make sacrifices in regard to your education and life to keep the family house (and to keep the family intact). I would make the same sacrifices for my parents after all of the sacrifices they've made for me, that is, if they found themselves in a similar situation. Tony made me laugh, which I needed, but I felt bad for laughing about his former girlfriend and her racism that he didn't notice until after several years with her. How does one not notice their partner is a racist? I kept thinking of Stephen Lynch's comedy (the Nazi girlfriend song). We both walked away saying it was nice to catch up.

quiet and sad

I feel quiet and sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

Welcome, November!

I slept in today! I haven't been able to sleep in for weeks, and sleeping at all has been spotty lately. My mind is always going, and I have far too many responsibilities for my pay grade.

I had several very vivid dreams last night, a couple of which I cannot stop thinking about. They were quite disturbing and I am curious what is causing them.

I noticed today on MySpace that I was one friend shy of the set I had before. After a little digging, I realized that Mike had cut me from his music page listing. He removed me from his Facebook list roughly a week ago. I'm kind of curious why it took him so long to cut me from the other (and he hasn't cut any of MY friends - but if you want to cut him loose from yours because he has his head up his ass, please feel free - not that I expect you to or that I really want you to...that would just be resorting to his methods). Jeremy thinks it is a ploy to get some sort of a reaction out of me. I suppose it is getting a reaction - I am writing about it, aren't I? Jeremy thinks Mike wants me to try to contact him - I don't have a single reason to do that. I don't resort to childish, whiny responses to already childish tactics. I don't have the patience or time for them. I actually find it funny that he is trying to remove me from his life like he would any girlfriend he's decided he doesn't want to see any more. I can only shake my head and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

I cleaned a few things today. I was pretty proud of myself. I never have time for anything domestic lately. I still need to shower and get ready for my performance tonight. I just couldn't see the logic in showering, then scrubbing floors and bathroom fixtures, then showering again. I am all grimy, but that goes with the territory, right?

I talked to Melissa yesterday. I thought she was avoiding me, but she called in the afternoon, and we caught up. We've both been so busy with teaching that time has disappeared. We plan to get together soon and celebrate our (belated) birthdays. I haven't even seen Maureen to celebrate her September birthday. This school year is definitely kicking my butt, but I feel good about all the positive things I am doing.

All of my laundry is done for the week, and I vacuumed the stairs. I have gathered several items for Justin, should he call to arrange a time to pick up the furniture, dishes, iron, and other items that I've set aside for him. I need to grade papers and practice my music for band tonight.

I think it is going to be a good month. I may go to my ten-year reunion or I will be hitting Germany (probably Cologne or Dusseldorf) for a few days around Thanksgiving. I would like to not travel alone, but if that's all I can get, I will take it. I just have to check the flights.

Jeremy and I discussed wedding plans today. We haven't officially set a date, but we have a few in mind. We want to get things set before telling people. Also, it will a TINY wedding, perhaps with immediate family and grandparents only. Melissa and Maureen are like family, and I would feel terrible if they weren't there. I have to work on what I want here. I told my (very simple and very classy) idea to Melissa, and she thought it would be perfect for me. I have a good place for this plan. The pictures would be beautiful, and it is centrally located. I hope I can make this happen!

Halloween

Halloween was tame this year. Students dressed up, but there was nothing really exciting going on at work. I came home, did a few chores, and then dozed on the couch. I have been quite sleepy lately. Jeremy came home from training and we ordered pizza. We didn't pass out candy. I didn't dress up in a costume.

Something just doesn't feel right, you know?

I will probably be going to a friend's party in Canton tomorrow after my performance. The goal is to get everyone drunk. I don't know that I will join in. I am such a party-pooper lately.

Class Tonight & Fatigue

I don't have my homework done for class tonight. I emailed my professor and asked for an extension, which she granted. I've had some technology problems lately, and my professor is really understanding.

It's my night to bring snacks to class. If I weren't bringing something I would simply call and say that I am ill. I am exhausted beyond belief right now. I still have a test, two handouts, and other stuff to create for tomorrow. I can't seem to get caught up. And I need to leave for class in about thirty minutes.

Tomorrow will not offer me any chance to sleep, unfortunately. I will be going to celebrate Mark's birthday with Jeremy after work. I need time. I need sleep. Maybe I am suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I just want to curl up with my cats and rest, but I know it wouldn't do any good. I'd wake feeling worse off than I feel now.

KazooKeylele!

Thank you, Joe, for finding this and sharing it with me!

RAW

I started writing a small scene that I hope works into a larger script I've been working on. I was listening to music on MySpace today (a typical Saturday routine), and one particular song struck me. I added it to my list and listened to its hauntingly sad words over and over until the scene became crystal clear in my mind.

I emoted. I allowed myself to become the person I saw in that scene. And then I wrote. My process is not unusual, but it strikes me each time that I must appear remarkably unstable on a daily basis. I sob at the losses that only occur within my mind. I respond to silent questions and watch the lifts in my face in the bathroom mirror as I am presented with true happiness and ultimate humor. I suffer the manipulations of those who do not exist, and I relive malleable painful moments that are no longer a concern or beyond my own understanding.

I also hear a soundtrack to all of these fictitious moments of my life. Sometimes the music leads the images. As I work with this script/story, I may share pieces. Just not now. It feels heavy and dark and raw. Part of me thinks it is better that way.

Friendships and Birthdays

I tend to put deeper posts here, although lately, I've been quite the blogger on MySpace. I turned 28 on Wednesday. Jeremy gave me running shoes and a DVD, and then he took me out to dinner. All-in-all, it was a nice birthday. It wasn't the best, but it definitely wasn't the worst. Since my 22nd, they had been getting progressively worse until last year. Mike and I walked around Ann Arbor in the rain, which is absolutely wonderful! This year, I was ill, but it was still a good day. Jeremy made sure that there were special treats in the fridge (chocolate with hazelnuts...mmm...and frosted cookies) and he took me where I wanted to go for dinner.

My immune system hasn't been up to par in the past month, and my birthday turned out to be the turning point in a cold that has been bothering me. With the mold content in the building where I teach, it's amazing that my body hasn't completely fallen to pieces. I was nearly over the cold, and then WHAM! - I lost my voice. I was fatigued and had started coughing those hearty, painful coughs that we all dread.

I continued to work, which forced my students to take on more responsibility. They were fine with that (I teach mostly honor students this year).

At home, I haven't been able to focus on grading or planning or homework. Chances are that I have been asleep whenever that time would have been available. Take today, for example. I worked, visited the Tailgate party right after work for Homecoming, then drove home and crashed until about midnight. I vaguely remember saying (wheezing, coughing, and whispering) bye to Jeremy before he left for work. I am unable to speak, although my coughing has subsided, for the most part. I expect to recover in the next two or three days. I woke up tonight thinking it was tomorrow and was quite surprised to see that it was dark outside. I felt cold, which is good, since the heat is not on, and I've been running a fever for a couple of days.

Mike sent me a message on my birthday. I was surprised to receive it, as we haven't spoken since August. I cried when I read it, but that was just a reaction to missing our friendship. He had been such a close friend for so long that I think I relied on him too much for support in all the woes of my life. He sent the message late at night, probably hoping that I'd find it the next day. He didn't directly say that he misses our friendship, but he told a short story that clearly implied it. That's just how we have always been - we tell stories that reveal so much more than we ever admit to thinking or feeling. Such is the nature of writers / musicians / English teachers. I know if the situation were reversed, I would have done the same thing. That is why we are such close friends. We are wired very much the same way, and I think he just knew that if he didn't contact me on my birthday, I would have written him off entirely. There are only a few times in a year when one can let go of whatever the issues are to simply wish someone else well.

I've been much more open with my emotions, so I thanked him for wishing me well. I also told him that I started to cry - not because he said anything upsetting or too sentimental but because I miss talking to him. I think Jeremy was a little upset that I had started to tear up. He doesn't have friendships as close as this - the closest he had was Ryan. And Ryan died last year, which is another reason I think Jeremy prefers "surface" friendships. He was not able to attend the funeral. He still has not gone to see Ryan's parents. Seeing them would make the loss real.


I've been spending more time with old friends. Joe and I have been hanging out more. It's great that we still have that connection we used to have. He opened up about some of his issues lately, which really speaks to how far we've come after all these years. I hate that things are not going the way he wants them to. I hate that there is nothing that can be done.

MK sent me a message to let me know he is out of prison again. While it is good that he is trying to start his life again, I really don't think that I want him around me. I understand he has "paid his debt", so to speak, but I don't want a moment of weakness in his life to turn into a lawsuit or anything for me. He has a huge laundry list of crimes that could easily be added to if his life doesn't go the way he wants.

Tim wants to chat with me about what's going on in his life, but I don't know that I am the best person to give advice. He flaked out the past couple of times, so I don't really want to make myself available now. I have a life, too, and I can't just sit around and deal with his problems. I have my own, despite my cheery disposition these last couple of months.

Out of My Way

I am wondering a lot about marriage. I listen to my friends, colleagues, and my family. I haven't heard many positives lately. That doesn't give me a lot of hope.

On the other side of the coin, Jeremy and I are doing very well. We discuss issues calmly and maturely, and we are going out and having fun with each other. That has been spotty over the past several years. And I think that it is mostly my fault. I won't say that he has been a saint and I've been a devil, but I've been relying on friends too much to help solve my relationship problems when I should have been speaking directly to Jeremy. There may have been a few people who "got in the way" from time to time, even though they had said that they didn't want to get in the way. I think now that those are famous last words.

I slept really well last night, and I was able to sleep late today. I rarely get enough sleep, and having a few alcoholic beverages last night calmed me. I wasn't drunk, but I was able to relax. I had many vivid dreams. I woke up a couple of times, including when Jeremy came home and when I had to turn off the alarm I forgot to reset last night.

I woke this morning thinking of poetry and songs. It was a great way to wake up.

Gray Michigan Days

I love gray Michigan days. I'm not sure what about them inspires me, but something is in the air. They remind me of times in which I stared at the world outside my bedroom window (in the old house), and that makes me think about the wonder I felt about the world.

I slept in later than I had expected, which is disappointing. I had planned to scrub my bathroom at seven or so, then go to rehearsal, then return home and work on my grad homework before the orchestra concert tonight (that I'd rather not be a part of today). I want to meet some friends tonight after the concert. I'm not sure where to go. I always want to go to Ann Arbor, but that seems a little far when most of the people I'd like to meet live east of where I live. Perhaps I should suggest Novi or something. Bar Louie is nice, but there isn't dancing.

I enjoyed my beer last night. I very rarely drink beer at home. It seems to be a beverage that I only truly enjoy when out with friends. It was glorious, though. Although some will disagree, I know that Weihenstephaner Hefe Weissbier is the absolute pinnacle of (wheat) beers. The Weihenstephan brewery has been brewing beer since 1040, and they consistently win awards. Next time I go to Bavaria, I will have to visit Freising so that I can tour the brewery and, perhaps, attend a beer tasting event.

Recovery

I feel like I am recovering from more than just a nasal infection. I attend my grad class tonight. I am really psyched about the semester. I also spoke to the director of the program - I just may be allowed to take some of the other courses during different terms just to finish in a timely fashion! I am so thrilled. I am already halfway done with the program. I had forgotten how much I enjoy being a part of a class. I even joined the list to bring in snacks on a certain night. I tend to shy away from stuff like this, but it felt so good to belong and I've already decided that I will get the big pack of Panera Bread bagels. I might also bring drink boxes. I am a nerd, yes. I just want to get into this. The community is already building. I've needed this!

Still no date set yet. Today, another teacher joked with me (at least I hope it was a joke) that I should just go preggo and get this thing done with. Yeah...um...that's just not going to happen. I need to just pick a date and tell Jeremy to be there.

August 29

I spent most of my day lazing about. I should have gone up to work to deliver my fridge to my classroom, but I just didn't feel like waking up when my alarm clock sounded. Plus, Mike A. crashed on the couch, and I didn't want him to feel rushed in leaving this morning.

Jeremy and I went to see Tropic Thunder tonight. I enjoyed it very much. Robert Downey, Jr., is absolutely phenomenal. Tom Cruise also did a great job. I wish more comedies put that much emphasis on good acting.

I was able to put in my contacts today before we left for the movie theater. I know it will take some time before I am totally proficient with the whole process, but an hour was way too long to be trying to force the damned things into my eyes. The left one goes in a bit easier, while the right one always gives me trouble. When my right eye is opened wide (complete with me holding the lid far up), the size of the lens is still slightly too big to just pop the thing in. This will continue to give me trouble for as long as I choose to wear contacts. For now, I have to put half it on, then pull my eyelid away from my eye and move my finger across my eye. It is a miserable ordeal, but that's just how it will have to happen for now.

The really disturbing thing for me is that I actually feel them on my eyes. People have told me that once they are in, I won't feel them. Maybe that comes with time. I don't know. I just feel this odd, heavy sensation on the eyeballs themselves while I feel my eyelids graze over something that shouldn't be there. It almost feels like eyelashes or fuzz caught in my eyes, but I don't feel a pressing need to rub them. However, they do itch a little. My eyes do not like the solution that I am supposed to use on the lenses either.

Tuesday marks the beginning of a brand new school year, and I am really excited about this year. I have two sections of German 1, two sections of Honors English 9, one section of regular English 9, and Seminar. I have so much to print for Tuesday, and our school building is closed for the entire weekend. Damn. I guess I will just have to show up at 6 AM on Tuesday so that everything will be ready when my students arrive.

It Must Be That Time of Year Again

So, as my summer vacation comes to a close, I am met with familiar practices in my complex. New families moving in, kids playing an evening game of basketball out back, and a brand new group of teenagers throwing dice and gambling. This time, they were stupid enough to throw the dice in front of the complex manager's townhouse. I know kids will push the limits on things, but what the hell? Do I really need to see some worthless people's kids breaking the law near my home? My complex has been little help with this sort of behavior. I pay to live here; I shouldn't have to put up with crime. The drug problems were pretty much cleared up by the beginning of summer. This will just bring that shit back. Again.

They ran off this time, but every time they don't get in trouble makes them feel that they are allowed to continue the behavior.

I should make this next point clear. I don't blame them entirely. I think that their parents must be pieces of shit, too. Where else would they learn that it's okay to throw dice in the streets? Part of me wants it to get a little out of hand...at least to the point where one of them kills someone in their own group over some minuscule amount of money. Maybe then they and their parents will give a damn about the law.

Being the change

(While I recognize that someone may see the word "change" and assume this has something to do with B. Obama, it doesn't. Sorry.)


Be the change that you wish to see in the world.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi


Solid words to live by. I'm not sure if it is the shift back to the working world that is making my entire perspective change, but I am happy that it is happening. This summer, although wonderful in its ample opportunity for adventure and new experiences, needs to come to a close. I spent a lot of time thinking over the past few months. I don't like some aspects of my personality, so I choose to change them. They won't change overnight, as no permanent change truly works that quickly, but I am well on my way to living a much more positive life. I will have setbacks, but that is normal, and I am ready for them.

If I want others to be proactive, I need to be the first to do that. Some of the more noteworthy topics lately have been: seriously looking at possible wedding dates and plans (we both want something small - yay!), home organization and decor, fitness routine (I can't say I love it just yet, but I am hating it less and less), making time for friends (I tend to feel uncomfortable in public places, so I am working on this), treating myself to "girly" things that make me feel pretty, and getting ready for the school year.

The Art of Sharing

Sharing thoughts with someone else can be liberating. It can help one gain control over a situation. I like to be the person who can help, and sometimes I need the help. Thank you to all who have listened to me lately.

The issue I was facing earlier this week is now fading away. Who knew that leaving something alone would be the best way of coping. I would rather smother issues until they are gone, but I dealt with this one differently. I think that is making all the difference.

MV and HF performance

I drove to Fenton to hear Mike and Hannah sing tonight. I asked Jessy if he'd join me. He didn't want to commit to anything because he was helping a friend with something in the early evening. I really didn't expect him to show, but suddenly, there he was. I was so happy to see him. I hadn't realized how much I had missed him over my summer vacation. We both did some traveling this summer, so it's understandable why we didn't hang out. I still missed him, though. His classroom is right next to mine, and we've become close friends over the last couple of years.

I had actually found myself in great conversations with Mike's colleagues and friends, and I felt guilty for asking one of my friends to show up. I was afraid that I would have no one to talk to. I didn't want to be the creepy one at the bar either staring at Hannah and Mike or drinking so much that I wasn't looking at anything in particular. All worked out well, though, and Jessy seemed genuinely happy to be a part of the evening. I was happy, too.

Mike and Hannah did a wonderful job, as usual, and I was thrilled for them. I am especially proud of Mike for kicking his music schedule into high gear this summer. While we haven't had much time to visit, he is pursuing the music career he wants and that is good. I hope he transitions back into teaching mode easily.

Hooked!

I'm hooked on these quizzes now. Thanks, Joe!

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Your result for The What type of MAN turns you on Test...

Buff sweetie

You scored 40% masculine, 53% athletic, 27% exotic, and 56% refined!

You like a buff guy with a clean and polished look. However, you do prefer a more innocent look to him and not the testosterone pumped manly man kind. Someone you might like is.......Brad Pitt. (At least in this picture - his style changes so much it's hard to generalize about Brad) But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

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The Optimist

After seeing the quiz results on Joe's page, I decided to spend a few minutes taking the same quiz. I told you I am optimist, despite my whining.

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

HBPS - The Optimist

Humanity, Background, Big Picture, and Shape

You perceive the world with particular attention to humanity. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the shapes around you. Because of the value you place on humanity, you tend to seek out other people and get energized by being around others. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You prefer a structured environment within which to live and you like things to be predictable.

The Perception Personality Types:

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night

I love late nights. I do. Everything slows down and becomes more clear. If only this was conducive to teaching all day.

welcome back

I helped with the freshman orientation event at my school today. So many of my former students (and a few others) were happy to see me. They couldn't wait to tell me about what they had done this summer. It was a great moment. I didn't realize how much I missed them. Apparently, my heart is not made of stone like I thought.

I feel a strange sense of peace lately. I don't know exactly where it comes from, but I like it. It must be from starting to open up more. I am trying not to worry about the possible events of my future. Instead, I am focusing on trying to understand the present. I feel much more alive than usual.

Oh, and I am the reason that I have no wedding planned. Me.

Well, I am off to the gym with Jeremy. Later, 'gator!

early Sunday

I woke around 5:30 today. I tried to get back to sleep simply because I had ventured off to bed only four hours prior, but my body told me it was time to get up. I made a healthy little breakfast and I am sipping tea. In a few minutes, I will be leaving for the gym. I haven't been very consistent with an exercise routine this summer, to say the least. I have been building muscle, though, which is a step in the right direction.

Last night I was upset, and it really did me good to just cry a little and move on without bothering my friends. Mike's mother had said something that was the equivalent of ripping off a scab. On one hand, I see her point, but on the other...why do so many people ask questions about my relationship and then offer unsolicited "advice"? I don't mind commentary if I invite it, but when I make it clear that this is my life and I am responsible for the details of it, I am easily angered by negative comments about Jeremy. I may choose to not show this anger at that moment, but it's there. I will most likely try to play it off and crack a joke just to lighten the mood. This is a defense mechanism and a subtle hint to stop. Number one, if you have never met the person, do your arguments really have a leg to stand on? Number two, how does my living with Jeremy and not being married yet affect you? Am I cheating the system? No. Am I using and/or manipulating Jeremy? No. Is he using and/or manipulating me? No. So, therein lies the problem with unsolicited advice. Once again, many of you who read this offer me advice...I am not talking to you at all here. I ASK for your thoughts, and I am happy that you share them with me. I respect your unique perspectives on the situations that arise in my life. Sometimes I follow your advice...sometimes I choose to not follow it. And, finally, number three...Never make me feel unwelcome at something I am invited to by another person. If you have what I'll call a "sharp" tongue, perhaps the problem is you. It is not your place to dismiss me from an event, especially when I am in a conversation with the person who invited me. I am, in no way, a threat, nor have I ever been a threat. I may not say anything to you or the person who invited me right then, but it does not erase or validate your bad behavior.

Thank you for reading. I'm off to the gym. :-D

down and out

Isn't it strange that the small things someone says can completely destroy a good mood? I don't even have to be friends with the person for them to use some aspect of my life to push me into this depressed state. The self-loathing is next.

No, I don't want to talk about it. Please don't ask me if I'm okay because I am not. Don't try to cheer me up right now. I appreciate that those of you who read this will want to help me, and I adore you for that...just not tonight, okay?

"A nice little Saturday..."

After falling asleep around 5 AM, Jeremy let me sleep in until noon. Our next-door neighbors spent five hours last night screaming and throwing things around. I am not sure if it escalated to physical assault, but it doesn't matter to me. They prevented me from getting some much-needed rest. I hate to sound like I don't care about their well-being, but honestly, if you are that violent and loud, perhaps you shouldn't be living in a place that shares walls with others, particularly those who consider themselves to be quiet, professional people who don't cause disturbances.

Jeremy treated me to lunch at Chipotle. I dragged him shopping. I wanted to buy a few shirts, and that's what I did. I maintained composure at the check-out counter when the family ahead of us spent way too long arguing whether or not one of their children needed the socks she had selected (they thought the socks were on sale for $9, but they were actually $12). I was ready to scream, but I remained quiet. I silently wished they'd burst into flames.

Jeremy has to work tonight, and I plan to go to Mike's gig. It's close and convenient. I don't think Mike will want to hang out afterward, even though we haven't been able to really visit in months. I need his advice, and he just isn't there for me this summer. I can't blame him; he is simply creating the life he wants to live. Unfortunately, I don't know who else I can talk to about this. I think that is because he and I are wired the same, and he understands me better than most. He could make sense of all of it since I lack the ability to view my own life objectively.

No Working Title

I have been posting both here and on MySpace lately, and I can never keep straight where each of the posts go. While this doesn't seem like a big issue, I find that my life seems to be broken into categories and I don't know where everything is.

I have been getting out a bit more lately. Mostly, I've gone to Mike's gigs, on short vacations, or to my own music events. I haven't been getting through the regular day-do-day stuff easily. I am confused and overwhelmed by all of the deadlines I had set for myself. I am lazy about cleaning (although, Jeremy is much more lazy in that area, so I don't always feel so bad). My emotions are everywhere lately, and I feel more insecure than I have ever felt before. I don't really know what I offer the world, and this lack of knowledge makes me feel depressed. The issues I've been avoiding and hiding are constantly on my mind. I tell people I want to talk, and then I just can't bring myself to unravel my world - not that what is in my mind necessarily would do that, but I fear what changes could occur. Would people see me differently? Would people think less of me? Would people get the wrong idea? So on, and so forth.

Usually, I seek counsel with my closest friends. This summer, though, they have all found other things to do. I have never felt so lost. I didn't realize how much I was leaning on them, and I am upset with myself for needing them the way I have. My independence doesn't seem so independent, and my selfishness about needing their ears and minds to solve my problems sickens me. Mike V. is busy with music, which is wonderful for him. He is living the life he should. Reenee is working a regular job with evenings devoted to her boyfriend. Melissa and I have hung out a little - Jeremy tags along, so we don't get a lot of girl talk time. She will be leaving for Jamaica soon, and I feel that we haven't had a lot of time to step back and let our hair down. Beck is working a lot and going to school. Her fiance takes up her evenings, and I can't blame them for wanting to spend time together. She is very aware of one of the things on my mind...probably because she was there years ago when this was an issue before. Mike A. is here every other week. Because he is both my friend and Jeremy's friend, the visits are inconsistent. He comes over for dinner often (I absolutely LOVE entertaining guests and going all out making a gourmet meal, complete with decadent desserts!), and then we try to decide what to do. Half the time he drinks beer with Jeremy; the other half he goes with me to see Mike V. (Mike V., Mike A., and I all joined the same organization in college and have been good friends since). I did recently hang out with Joe, which was different. We talked like we used to, and it felt good to know that there is a part of me that can still connect.

Jeremy is getting back into school, so his attention is elsewhere most of the time. This is good and bad for me. It's my summer vacation, and I just want to spend my time with him. I'm too busy throughout the school year, with teaching and attending grad school (and participating in school events, band, committees, and soon a ukulele group), and I have very high expectations. I don't want to just sit in a room with someone. I want to be the main focus. I know that after 8 years of being together, we might not do that normally, but I want to be like that. Don't get me wrong...he's a wonderful guy. He just has so many different things going on that it's difficult to get a solid routine. And that is half my fault. I am useless if not on a strict schedule with a to-do list in tow. Perhaps I need to communicate these things better to Jeremy so that we get to do more. I suppose the worst part is that I keep finding more and more writing from some really difficult times in my life, and instead of shredding it or burning it or just filing it away, I keep reading every piece to figure out who I was before and during that time and how it relates to who I am now.


I am not sleeping well lately. The night brings no need to rest. Instead, I force myself to venture upstairs around 2 or 3 and then I stare at the ceiling and talk to one of my cats. I have disjointed sleep with short nightmares (that have steadily become worse over the past month). Eventually, I do get more sleep, but I lose much of my morning and feel irritable and tired when I finally get out of bed.


And for some of the positives lately...I've worked out a bit more than I was doing. I plan to go again tomorrow morning, and I will be checking the yoga class times for this month. I need to get that going if I am going to get this body back in shape! I've been doing more "girly" things. I have curled my hair and put on make-up and dressed up lately "just because". I painted my toenails yesterday, even though nobody was going to see them. Knowing that I took pride in that made me feel better. It's odd how something so superficial meant so much to me. I took pictures of myself making faces at my own camera...they were all blurry, but it felt good to act like me again. I cracked inappropriate jokes with some friends. I had a few conversations in German, albeit in a chat forum, with a few of my German-speaking friends (and I found a local group that I will be joining with Jeremy to keep up our skills). I helped Jeremy decide that when he goes back for his second bachelor's degree, he should major in German - he plans to major in history, as well. We received a rowing machine from Jeremy's grandmother. We discussed returning to Germany with Jeremy's parents. They are a little apprehensive about the whole international travel thing, and I think it would so much fun to take them there and get them hooked on international travel. I am considering moving to Germany after I get my PhD. I have plenty of time, but this is something I think could actually happen. Jeremy is now on the same page. I turned down an interview in Macomb County because the timing is wrong right now. If I were to get that job, the things I enjoy most about being in this area would not be possible. I don't even want that job that much, so it was easy to let it go. My roses out front are thriving. My avocado tree is not, but I am nursing it back to health. I've been invited to a Tupperware party, so apparently, I am now an adult.

A step in the right direction

After Jeremy and I reconnected after his weekend away and my weekend hanging out with friends, we decided to really look at where we are headed. I've decided to cancel my interview in Richmond. Richmond is not where I want to be right now - in the future...yes, that could be a great option, but it isn't feasible at this point in my life.

I like being close to my family. My friends are nearby, and those who are a little drive away are still close enough for me to meet them in a mutually-enjoyable area, i.e. Ann Arbor. I don't want to give up that part of my life as it took a while to establish myself here again. I like that I've reconnected with people who were left out of some of my past.

I have about two more years of grad school, that is, before I decide to pursue a second master's degree. I haven't decided if it should be in Reading or German. Both would be so useful. I also would like to pursue a PhD in English and Education (a terrific U of M program that would open doors for me to teach in undergraduate and graduate English and Education classes).

The school where I teach has its issues, but every place has issues. At least I am aware them. I need to spend more than two years in that setting. I have two more years until I reach tenure, at which time my mentor teacher (the full-time German teacher) will probably retire. This will leave me as the main German teacher. I would love this, to be honest. She wanted the administration to hire me because she felt that I was a younger version of her, which is true on many levels. I don't know that I would want to spend my entire career there, but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, would it? Being in charge of the entire German program would be wonderful experience.

I am getting involved in more activities and committees.

I am part of a community band that has brought me back into the music performance fold where I belong.

Now, I need to work on convincing Jeremy to buy a house in Ann Arbor or Dexter - or I should just do this on my own and see where the chips fall.

A Question for You

Does anyone else out there have things they need to say but the words just never reach the surface?

Aug. 1st

Friday, August 1st - off the list
Wednesday, December 31st - off the list

Maybe Wednesday, October 1st? Easy one to remember...
Or Friday, October 31st?
How about Saturday, February 14th?
Or Sunday, March 1st?

A review of my resolutions

I have never been good at keeping up with my New Year's Resolutions, so I've decided to revisit my list and try to get things back in line or change the focus for the latter half of this calendar year.

1. (still in progress) Organizing my home has not happened. Jeremy and I have re-purposed several areas and we need to make adjustments. There is no excuse for our lack of decor, though, as we have many items ready to hang on the walls. We just never follow through.

2. (steps taken) I have joined Lifetime Fitness, I am more active, and I eat a lot healthier (except when we have dinner guests).

3. (not done) I have yet to pick up another instrument. Hell, I haven't even set up my drumset in the basement.

4. (better than before) I have kept a better schedule for cleaning my home.

5. (about the same) I have been writing a little...not the massive amounts I thought I would, but I have been doing some.

6. (no progress yet) The wedding ceremony thing has been put on the back burner while Jeremy and I work on house hunts, career shifts, grad school, new undergrad programs, and traveling.

7. (a couple of steps forward) I've played my uke outside and people on the playground have heard me, but I haven't participated in any open mike nights yet.

8. (DONE!) Jeremy and I visited Munich, Germany, for several days this month! It was a hoot!

9. (some progress) Buying a house is a HUGE deal, especially considering that Jeremy and I don't necessarily see ourselves staying in our current jobs for more than a couple of years. We both want to move, so buying a house right now probably wouldn't be the best idea. We wouldn't be able to sell it.

10. (much progress has been made) I've started to force myself to stop daydreaming. It's not like I don't from time to time, but it is no longer a constant experience.

Broader Horizons

I feel different now. Well, maybe not different. Perhaps more the same...it's difficult to explain, but I shall try. The old me was adventurous. I haven't been that person in quite some time, and traveling to Europe has awakened a part of me that loves all things new. I was scared to travel so far away, even though I would have jumped at the chance prior to graduating from college. It all worked out perfectly, though, and I was able to use some of that German I teach to my students.

The trip wasn't life-changing, but it did broaden my horizons. I wouldn't mind living somewhere else, especially if that place offered ample opportunity to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The U.S. does lack a certain connection I definitely felt throughout Germany (although I didn't visit a lot of places). While in Europe, we used public transportation and walked more than we would have in a typical week here. I can understand why Germans are such a healthy nation.


Other places we plan to visit over the next few years:

London, England
Edinburgh, Scotland
Ireland
Capetown, South Africa
New Zealand
Australia
Austria
Switzerland
The Netherlands
Belgium
Germany (again)
Poland (well, I want to go there to see the land of my ancestors)
Anchorage, Alaska
Montana
northern California
Washington / Oregon
Denver, Colorado

I'm Back!

Jeremy and I made it back to Canton yesterday night. We were happy to reach American soil, even though our vacation was terrific. It was a much-needed experience and escape for both of us. Munich was beautiful. We walked, talked, drank, and took lots of pictures.

More details later...

potato salad and other adventures

I am in the middle of making mustard potato salad. Normally, I don't touch the stuff, but my mother asked me to bring it today. I simplified an already simple recipe, and now I am waiting for the potatoes to cool down so that I can add them successfully. I've made a mess of my kitchen, but that is okay - I actually enjoy cleaning that room.

I met the Mikes the night before last for drinks in Ann Arbor. It was a wonderful night out. A seemed to want to "park it" in only a couple of places, while V and I are always a bit more restless. We seek spontaneity and changes scenes in our evenings out. After A and his brother left for the night, V and I traveled to a trusty old pub. We had wanted to visit the opulent wine bar we've spent time and money in the past, but they are closed on Wednesdays. I was a little disappointed, but I got over it. Side note: I, once again, saw this really familiar-looking guy in Ann Arbor. I have no idea where I know him from. He is at least 21, but he could be a former student or possibly a classmate of mine. I don't want to walk up to him and ask why he is so familiar to me. Perhaps if I see him again within the next few weeks I will say something.

After the pub, we wandered over to a diner for omelets. Mine was excellent, by the way. Mike mimicked the other drunk people at the diner, especially those with strong and loud opinions. It was hilarious.

One of my cats hasn't been feeling well these last couple of days. I decided to spend time with her and just comfort her. She perked up today, but I have still yet to see her eat her kibble. She ate a few treats and now she is rolling around in the sunshine, so I think she will be fine.

I am heading over to my parents' house today. I feel bad that I won't be able to make an appearance at Beck's barbecue, but I suppose that is to be expected. I learned last year that trying to visit with friends at different locations can be difficult to coordinate. Later, I plan to visit with the Posts and see Nathan, Jen, and Spencer. I haven't stayed in contact very well over the past year.

I

I am not following through with the simplest of tasks.
I am not writing.
I am giving up on myself when it comes to yoga.
I don't force myself to exercise.
I feel divorced from my own logic.
I feel like I am stuck in the mud and nobody is helping to free me.
I feel like a failure because I need people to help me.
I have a messy home.
I am not an affectionate person.
I don't feel inspired by anything lately.
I am not knitting as quickly as I would like.
I don't cook the lavish dishes I am capable of preparing.
I take very little pride in myself.
I am not losing weight.
I worry about what everyone else thinks of me.
I still haven't unpacked boxes from two years ago when I moved here.
I am unmarried...still.
I don't own my own house.
I haven't achieved all the things I thought I would by this age.
I am overwhelmed by life.
I have friends who aren't really there for me the way I am there for them.
I have trust issues.
I no longer care about politics - I've lost all interest and faith in our system.
I would disappear to another part of the world if I could take my cats with me.
I expect too much from my fiance.
I expect others to care about me.
I hate talking to my mother on the phone.
I want a job in the TC area, and I think I have an way in. I just need to act on it.
I have boxes and bags ready to donate, but I am too lazy to drop them off.
I don't play the piano anymore.
I haven't set up my new drum set yet, and I've had it since January.
It wouldn't matter if I shut off my phone for a few days. I only get a text message every once in a while, anyway.
I hate being plain.
I am not who I want to be right now.

Patience and Determination

I do not have the patience and determination necessary to accomplish the tasks I've created for myself. I don't know if it is the transition to my summer vacation or what, but it is starting to really upset me. I need the regimented life of a full-time job. I accomplish so much more when I wake early, complete tasks throughout the day, and then come home and complete tasks for myself.

I do recognize that I've accomplished some things, including rearranging my bedroom, obsessively scrubbing my kitchen and bathroom, laundry, dishes, sorting many papers for teaching next year - I've decided to plan the entire year and place all pages in a binder. I've also decided to include elements of cultural literacy to help students make connections between what is just expected of them to know and the literature and writing skills that they need to build. I think starting high school, especially in honors classes, needs to focus on the ideas that shape our culture and why we value so much diversity in literature and writing. I just hate that it is coming together quickly.

I really dislike how I am now determined to find instant gratification in this. That is one element of our culture that I've always felt needed to change, but I've changed instead. I need to get back into yoga. When I go to the gym today, I think I will pick up a schedule of group exercise, so that I can make sure I am doing yoga two or three times a week. It helps so much with weight loss for me - I can tone everything I've been exercising. Also, I tend to be more focused in my daily tasks and writing. The balance and flexibility make me less clumsy.

I should also go to cardio step classes and such. I tend to push myself when I feel that this is competition, even if the competition is against myself - to not look stupid or fat in front of others.

Right now, though, I think I will make myself some breakfast - something healthy...Cheerios, maybe, or steamed grits (even though they taste better fried), some fresh fruit...perhaps I should just plan all of my meals and snacks today and line them up in the fridge.

Credit

My credit score is terrific! I am just irritated that my apartment complex entered my name incorrectly and therefore, it appears that I have an alias. I have to call and get that cleared up. All they did was put things in the wrong order, but still...I don't need any extra hassles when I apply for a house loan or anything.


Today is such a beautiful day. I feel bad that Jeremy and I didn't enjoy it more. I took my car in for maintenance, and then we went to my parents' house for lunch (we were actually going to take my mom to the Strawberry Festival so that she could get an elephant ear or funnel cake, but she didn't want to go). Jeremy and I came home and tried to have one of those conversations that only I initiate - you know, the ones that examine what direction we are going, if things are really headed down the right path, yada yada yada. It didn't result in an argument; on the contrary, we actually tried to figure some things out. Then we parked in front of the TV and watched DEA on Spike.

TV = Soma

Just Wondering

Is it possible to experience "happy" and "unhappy" at the same time? Wouldn't they cancel each other out? Or do they get compartmentalized (which doesn't happen with anger - I know if I experience anger, I am completely angry).

Just want to hear your thoughts out there.

an evening to myself

Jeremy went to visit with his buddy Alex. It's nice to be home and not have anyone else around, except for the cats.

I really wish I had a house. I could be out in the garage using power tools and crafting something useful, like a bookshelf for Jeremy's books. I am tired of hearing that he's planning on buying a case. They are everywhere!!!

I should go to the basement and unpack more boxes while I have no distractions.

I almost peed myself!

After a series of kidney stone-related nonsense, I decided to hit Ann Arbor right square in the ass. Mike and I met for coffee, etc., which was nice. I drank vitamin water and we talked. We both went through stages of completing grading and talking. He is trying to distance himself from his ex-girlfriend Erica and I am always trying to understand myself and my life on some greater level.

Mike and I think so much alike that we often see where the other is going before we get there. I am thankful for a friend like this. (I also have Maureen who is capable of doing this, too!) We posed our little questions and discussed the elements of our lives that we haven't been witness to lately.

After shopping (yes, I am able to hold it together in stores for short periods of time) and going to another coffee shop, we went to Ashley's. I decided to trust my new doctor's assurance that I can have a drink or two while on my medication - there will be no deadly reaction (yippee!). I enjoyed a nice Weihenstephaner Hefeweizen. It was glorious. I had been craving a whiskey sour for weeks, but I didn't think that introducing hard liquor to my medication would be a good thing.

Mike and I examined our lives, as usual. We both tend to be very honest people, almost to a fault, so our discussions go quite deep (and direct). We are never brutal about what we think is going on with each other, but we do offer suggestions and more questions. With the stress in both our lives, as well as our ups and downs in relationships, our conversation seemed to see-saw from dark and blunt to funny and uplifting.

We didn't stay out too late - I blame myself. Had I had more work to do, Mike would have graded more essays and we probably would have stayed out longer. All's well that ends well, though, right? We left A2 by 11. As I was driving home, it became obvious that my kidneys and bladder wanted to reach our destination as quickly as possible. I managed to get home in time. I honestly don't think I could have made it another five minutes.

Those of you with kidney/bladder/urinary tract issues, you have my deepest sympathy. This is only temporary (this time, at least), and I am grateful that I will be normal again within a month or two.

An update

I have stopped writing in a physical journal altogether. I write online every couple of days, and although I love the whole act of scribbling on paper, I find that not immediately logging every thought, feeling, and experience is helping me to live in the moment. Jeremy says I often dwell on things too much. I think that is the nature of being a woman - we are just wired that way. Mike tells me that I analyze things so much that it takes the life out of the moments (which is right, because he does the same thing - we are very much alike that way - I can't tell you how many times he's called me during his dates with women asking for advice or needed to have me mull over his issues with his girlfriends).

The issue is that I want to write in a journal again, but I find that writing at night just causes me to wake up and I become inspired to write poetry and fiction (playwriting has fallen by the wayside lately). I don't know how to wake up and write because I have to leave for work so early in the morning. Also, whenever I go online and blog here or on MySpace, I am distracted by surveys to kill to time and I find myself writing things based on some of the questions posed.


Overall, life is really good right now. Even though Jeremy and I are holding off on wedding plans, we are discussing our life together. We are weighing different options with housing and careers. I am finally starting to look at the big picture that so many people talk about. I've always been a bit nit-picky, and I will certainly continue to be that person on some level, but I realize that most things that irritate me are MY problem and need to be fixed from within.

I feel happy in my teaching, even though the school leaves a little something to be desired. I know that I am making a difference and my kids are wonderful! Word to the wise: if you want to teach a foreign language, go for German. Only the best of the best tend to take German. I rarely have disciplinary issues, and when I do, they are limited to students being frustrated with the content and not knowing how to deal with that frustration. It is rarely, if ever, directed at me, but they might say a cuss word here or there. It truly is a wonderful thing to teach these kids.

My health hasn't been the greatest these last few months. I was quite ill for about two months (and I neglected to visit a doctor for assistance), and then I was hit with a large kidney stone, which has yet to pass and will most likely result in a stint or surgery within the next two weeks. The universe is telling me that I need to spend more time focusing on my health. I often focus entirely on my relationships or my career. This time, it does need to be about me. I went to Lifetime Fitness today. I pushed myself a little too hard and nearly passed out while running on the treadmill. The people at Lifetime are so nice and they came to check on me immediately. I felt like I wasn't being nice enough to them while everything was turning fuzzy and then black. Perhaps I will send a thank you note to them tomorrow.

I worked on my garden again this weekend, which really makes me feel great. I can't wait to get a house with some property (or, at least, a decently-sized yard). I am considering participating in the flowerbed contest in my complex. I could get $100 - $300 off August's rent, if I were to win.

I am taking care of so many things right now regarding retirement finances, grad school (program change), end-of-the-school-year responsibilities, doctor appointments, and so on, but I don't feel stressed. My senior English class will be gone after Wednesday, which means I have more time to grade things for my German classes during the day (when I am not subbing for other teachers - we have a shortage of subs right now). I feel this weird sense of peace. I need to start finalizing my travel plans for the summer (we are going to try to get to Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Alaska, England, and some places closer to home, including Traverse City, Battle Creek/Kalamazoo, and the U.P.). The only way we can afford this is through Jeremy's flight benefits - we are not well-off, by any means! I am applying to the government for loan forgiveness because I am public school teacher - they have changed the criteria over the years, but I do teach a foreign language, and that should help my chances.

I've been working on a few songs of my own on the ukulele. The lyrics need work, but it's nothing I can't handle. Now, I just need to build the confidence to sing in front of others. I should call Mike's voice instructor in Milford.

too much thinking today

Jeremy being away at work leaves me with too much time to think. I did a great deal of cleaning, which is always a plus, but the over-analyzing is getting to me. I worry too much. I consider too much. I daydream too much.

Is it really possible to shut all of that out?

In an effort to focus on something else, I called a couple of friends today. Will is getting ready for a trip out west and Noah is up to the same old shenanigans in Battle Creek. It's funny that I would choose to contact these two, as they are the opposites. One is Mr. Stable and kind. The other is Mr. Wild Man/pseudo-asshole (but never to me).

Will told me about his garden and the overabundance of plants he has for the space. He doesn't want to throw away any of it, but there is just too much. That is just the kind of guy he is - he has too much of a good thing, and can't part with any of it (nor should he!).

Noah, once again, tried to convey that his life is moving in the right direction. It wasn't that convincing because he still cannot sustain a meaningful relationship with a woman while still hitting the bars and strip joints (hardcore) with his buddies. He hadn't quite figured out the connection. I attempted to explain the female perspective on his behavior. I also explained the long-term implications of dating a woman who is completely comfortable with and enjoys going to strip joints with him. I think he gets it now. He said I made sense. And he said he probably won't date those women anymore simply because they always leave him for a woman. (That's got to be crushing to the ego!)

Noah says he wants to find a nice woman who will help him settle down. When will people learn that if they want to change, they must do it - one cannot wait for another to nag the behavior away. Are people waiting for their mothers or something?

I had (and still have) many issues regarding relationships. In the past, I constantly pushed people away in a variety of ways. I sabotaged relationships. I found ways to "escape" what I thought was trapping me. Luckily, I found really decent guys to date over the years - that has not always been my desire. I used to wish for the type that would treat me in a way that validated all of the terrible things I felt about myself.

While I still haven't pieced together all of the details and situations that caused me to be like this, I recognized this was not how I wanted to navigate my life and I made the decision to not be like that anymore. It's not easy, by any means. And it doesn't mean that every step forward is firmly planted. I regress. It happens. Then I make another stride forward.

This Week, in Review

Saturday, April 26 - Visited the ER. Determined I have a kidney stone. Prescribed Vicodin. Slept and felt dizzy from medication.

Sunday, April 27 - Slept. Felt dizzy from medication. Graded student work. Entered grades.

Monday, April 28 - Went to work. Came home after feeling so dizzy from my medication that I nearly vomited in my classroom. Spent the rest of the day sleeping and vomiting.

Tuesday, April 29th - Slept most of the day. Did not feel terrible. Was able to handle the Vicodin.

Wednesday, April 30 - returned to work. Scolded students for terrible behavior in my absence.

Thursday, May 1 - School day went well. Evening - started vomiting and could not stop.

Friday, May 2 - 1:30 AM. Determined I needed to go to the ER again. Pain. Vomiting. Got an ultrasound. Left ER at 5:30 AM. Slept. Did not attend my professional development day.

Saturday, May 3 - Woke several times with pain. Took Vicodin. Went back to sleep. Woke again and worked on garden.

Emergency Room Visit = Vicodin Prescription and a Beautiful Sunrise

I woke at 3:30 this morning to pain in my abdomen and lower back. This level of pain is not uncommon for me, and I initially thought that I might be able to just grin and bear it. The pain quickly worsened to the point that I felt it necessary to wake Jeremy and ask him to drive me to Urgent Care. I experienced nausea, the chills, a fever, vomitting, etc. for some time before deeming this Emergency Room - worthy.

Unfortunately, the large Urgent Care center on Canton Center Road was closed, and the one near Lifetime Fitness only operates (no pun intended) between the hours of 8 AM and 10 PM. Apparently locals may only have an emergency between those hours if they want to be treated.

So, Jeremy drove me all the way to Garden City Hospital. I don't really remember much of that trip, other than feeling a great deal of pain. I was groaning, whining, screaming, and trying to keep from throwing myself onto the road to end it all. I made Jeremy pull over as we neared the Emergency Room parking area; I vomitted in the grass. I felt so classy at that moment.

After parking, we entered the hospital. No one was in the waiting room. I gave my ID and insurance card, filled out their short form, and tried to hold it together. Within five minutes I was in Triage. After the initial assessment, the nurse said it sounded like I was suffering from either a kidney stone or an ectopic pregnancy. Yeah, that second one is not a possibility. I was fairly certain it was a kidney stone way before we left the townhouse, anyway, after I was able to push on different parts of my abdomen and there was no additional pain (appendicitis would not yield the same results).

After moving on to my little ER station, I had to vomit again. The doctor and an intern arrived shortly thereafter, and they did a quick assessment so that the on-call nurses could put an IV in my arm. I was shaking uncontrollably, partly from dehydration but mostly from intense fear (I have always experienced Trypanophobia - a fear of needles). They were able to get the IV in on the first try, so that was good. It took several minutes for me to feel the effects. I was in the middle of my CAT scan when I finally felt some of the pain dissipate. The X-ray technician was really personable and we had a nice conversation. When he dropped me off back in the ER, I thanked him, which now seems a little weird to do.

I waited for a little while with Jeremy, trying to hold a conversation. I have no idea how lucid I really was at the time. Only a couple of minutes went by when my doctor (and intern) returned to let me know that I have a kidney that is at least four millimeters. Yippee. I was out of the hospital within the next ten minutes. I may have been there an hour, at most. Everyone there was friendly and helpful. If you get injured, Garden City Hospital is one of the most inviting places to go.

Jeremy drove me to CVS, where I paid my $3.00 for my Vicodin knock-off (Hyrdocodone) pills. We stopped at McDonald's for plain biscuits (one of my favorite comfort foods, right after grilled cheese sandwiches), where Jeremy's rage was unleashed on some moron in the truck behind us. We were told to pull ahead to wait for our food, and the guy behind us kept pulling up closer and closer, honking at us, telling us to move. Jeremy got out of the car and started yelling at the guy. Not the finest (or classiest) of moments, but I still had drugs from the hospital in my veins, so I wasn't too worried.

We eventually made our way home and I ate my biscuits (after, of course, knocking over my water all over graduate school papers and almost sitting on a cat). I watched the sun rise, which was lovely. I took a pill almost forty minutes ago and I have to tell you...I feel funky! I don't think I will be driving anywhere any time soon. Jeremy is asleep on the couch, but I can't seem to sleep (the pain medication is supposed to make me drowsy, too). So much for my plans to hit the gym this morning.

In a couple of hours, I will probably call my parents and let them know what happened. There's no sense in waking them for this.

I am really glad I decided not to go out last night (beyond a walk with Jeremy). I ended up going to bed early - which was good.

Too many thoughts

I've been really stressed lately, and my mind has been racing.

I finished my papers tonight, and I am looking forward to turning them in and not worrying anymore about this semester. I am considering attending the graduate research symposium tomorrow night, but I really just want to go somewhere and play my ukulele. Perhaps once I get bored I could do just that. I will find a quiet spot on campus and just strum the hours away. I hope the weather is nice.

tests, lunch, naps, chores, and the kindness of strangers

I woke early to take a teacher certification test today (the ONLY test I have ever failed in the past). I did learn that the test editors FINALLY fixed the grammar portion, which is a blessing because for the last ten years the old German was being assessed. All of the changes went into effect in 2002, but no one had really checked the test. I am hoping to have my scores in a timely fashion. I have a major in German, so I am allowed to teach it, but it looks a lot better for highly qualified status if I've passed the test. Plus, with the new requirements with the class of 2016, I will have had to eventually pass the test anyway.

When I arrived at the testing site, I realized that I had lost my pencils. I am not usually an absent-minded person, but this time, I just don't know what happened. I asked a stranger if she had an extra and she did. I hope something nice happened for her today.

After the test, I took a short nap. Jeremy and I then met his family in Royal Oak for lunch. I really like that place. It makes me think of Traverse City, with the bustling downtown area. When we returned home, I took another nap while Jeremy got ready for work. When I woke again, I began my list of chores (mostly laundry). I will tackle the bathroom and the kitchen soon (after a short ukulele break).

Wow. It's Saturday night. I don't have papers to grade. And this is how I CHOOSE to spend my time. At least my clothes will be clean.

energy

I finished grading papers a little while ago. I have yet to enter the grades online; I just want to draw this out for some reason. I still need to put together my lesson plans. I have no desire to do anything, really.

My mind is racing. I feel almost 100% now.

definitely feeling that witchy feeling...

The tulip and crocus bulbs I planted over a year ago are sprouting. I didn't know that they would do that two years in a row! It was a nice surprise to see little purple flowers budding in front of my place. I can't wait for the roses to bloom again.

I felt much better today than I've felt in over a week. I am still coughing a little, but I am able to sleep.

I finished my first draft of my Harry Potter paper. I decided to call it 'Harry Potter and the Impact of J.K. Rowling's Political Consternation. Yeah, I'm a nerd.

The 9-page handout for my presentation for my literary criticism class is done, done, done! And it looks sharp! Andrew and I will be discussing Marxist criticism, New Historicism, and Cultural Studies (and how they serve the same literary piece in different ways).

I have some of my revisions done on my literary criticism paper that I need to discuss with my professor on Wednesday night before I turn it in.

I am so glad it is warming up. I can't wait to ride my bike outdoors. I can't wait to go for walks in Hines. I can't wait to make my camping and other vacation plans for summer.

I'm ready, world!

I was off to a slow start today just because I am feeling a bit under the weather, but I am finally feeling like I can accomplish anything. I should work on my paper revisions, but I'd rather clean the basement.

I played the ukulele for about three hours today. It was just lovely. I plan to keep playing well into the night, even though my throat is scratchy and I can't sing.

Returning to normal

Overall, today was a decent day. I was tired at work - not so much from my three-hour weep fest last night (which coincidentally hits every third night Jeremy is away) but more from my own boredom with so many of my students who refuse to study. I have resorted to daily quizzes to get them back in the habit. I hate being that teacher, but most of them have checked out mentally for the year. I do want my students to learn, and my boss is constantly telling us that when a child is not earning an A or a B, it is our fault rather than acknowledging the reality of the child not doing what they are expected to do. Any child who does not succeed in any course is simply told to "do better" while we teachers are stuck in meeting after meeting about what we must have done wrong. I dislike the administration versus the teaching staff scenario. It is akin to parent versus teacher problems that end up just pissing off everyone involved - and no one is putting the responsibility on the student.

Anyway, back to my decent day. No students showed up for test retakes or tutoring today, so I was able to leave fairly quickly. I read a little James Joyce for class (I LOVE DUBLINERS!) and then vegged out for about an hour.

I made dinner for Jeremy (low-carb mini margarita pizzas - homemade, homemade tomato-basil soup, and homemade garlic bread using the bread I baked yesterday). Yes, I was little Susie Homemaker today. It felt good to step back from some of the larger issues in my life and relax. We had planned to go to the gym, but I found more homework to complete. I've had a difficult time fighting this cold of mine, so maybe it is for the best. I wouldn't want to pass this along.

We watched some of the bonus features on The Office DVDs.

I did not drink today, and I am okay with that.