THe Life I Had Planned

Nothing ever works out the way one plans, and I am trying to surrender myself to this notion.

I truly believed I would be married by now - married to the man who has been the focus of the past ten years of my life. That ended.

I'm trying to get my bearings in this single world, and I've already made some mistakes, I'm afraid. I'm not sure what I should be doing.

The Downward Spiral

My fall from grace shall be a big one. I'm flirtatious and I feel as though I am bordering on crazy.

I went out to a club with someone who has become a very close friend over the past 4-5 years. While we have a tremendous friendship, I do realize that it looks bad that I am now hanging out in the social scene with him.

So, today my mother and father decided that I hadn't had enough verbal assaults, so they decided to make up for lost time. Apparently, I've just been sitting around, doing nothing for the past three months. They made it clear they don't like my attitude, that they think I'm a bitch, and that I am a complete burden. According to them, I am acting like a spoiled and stupid teenager.

I just really want to die. I've been making tremendous progress, but when they can't even try to be supportive people, what's the point of trying to prove anything further? I just want it all done. I want to no longer have to be a part of any of this.

And to think, this weekend started with so much promise. I'm still looking forward to tomorrow and the little bit of freedom Ryan will provide. My parents

Porcelain doll

Something doesn't feel right. I don't fit this helpless mold I'm expected to fit into. I wear out a lot more quickly than I have over teh past few months. I constantly feel as though I'm going to faint. I tell mhy parents and they do nothing. In fact, they tell me to just sit down and wait - as if that is going to help.

I haven't felt like I was falling apart since I was in the NICU back in March. I know my issue is most likely psychological, but it is still wearing me out. I was feeling pretty empowered when I started running again, so this slowed pace makes me want to just give up. I never accept giving up as an option, so I'm sure I'll push right through this...

I just wnat Monday to get here. Ryan is picking me up so that we can join the rest of our ukulele group in the Ann Arbor parade. Afterward, Ryan and I will be hanging out in Ann Arbor. I don't know what sort of shenanigans we'll get into, but a day out will be nice. I need more days out, away from my parents, away from therapy, away from the BS of recovering.

I am so irritated that I am still stuck at my parents' house. I hate it here. I hate that I have to rely on my parents to take me places, to buy me food, etc. This doesn't jive with the adult I became over a decade ago. And, unfortunately, I can't see an end any time soon. It needs to happen soon. This arrangement is making me want to kill myself. I don't see the point in sticking around if I can't have my life back.