Dinner

Because I slept through my normal dinner time (plus work time, exercise time, and ukulele group time), I am eating dinner now.

On the plate:

grits with garlic salt and Parmesan cheese
Broccoli-cheddar-potato pierogies sauteed in margarine, onions, and herbs
thinly-sliced tomato with basil and spices


Dessert tonight:

one serving of Banana-flavored Yoplait yogurt
strawberries

Not there

I'm not at the anger stage. I want to be, but I'm not. It's unclear if I will reach that or if I will linger in this place of great depression and disappointment. Aaron's been really nice to me lately, checking on me and trying to get me to focus on the things in my life that are positive.

I honestly feel like part of me is missing. The void in my soul is not going to heal itself quickly.

I need to get back to grading papers. At least there is still hope for these young people.

I was recalled to work this week, so things have been hectic with grad school and all. Overall, the transition was good.

Friday hit with all the force of a train. Jeremy decided that whatever notions of romantic reconciliation we were hovering around are now a thing of the past. This is extremely devastating to me. The truly awful thing is that he did this over the phone. I know I have done that in that past, due to immaturity, physical distance, lack of a substantial relationship, and sheer cowardice, but I expected so much more from him, especially after everything we were to each other. He and I have been involved since 2000. I guess he didn't want to legitimize the relationship.

I really want to talk to my dad, but he and my mom left for France yesterday afternoon. They won't be back for a week.

Tired

I feel lonely. Looking back over the past two years, my life has really unraveled. Maureen, Melissa, and I are closer now, but the men whom I have been closest to this year and last are nowhere near where they were before.

I really destroyed a deep trust with one. Another doesn't talk to me anymore, which is both good and bad. Another was just left hurt and alone.

I'm still a mess. I'm trying to tread water, and most of the time, it works. I spend a lot of time crying, which I understand is part of the process, but I hate allowing myself the time to act in such a defeatist and childish way.

I just want everything to return to the way it was a long time ago, but I know that that is not possible. Knowing this, however, does not stop the longing.


My job search is still yielding nothing. I am tired of hearing great responses from those who interview me. I am tired of hearing how great I am and how much they know I will bring to the position. I am tired of all of the accolades for what I've accomplished leading to no job.

Fall into place

My parents visited on Sunday. My mother was ill and cranky. That's almost never a good thing when she is around me. My mother is judgmental and criticizes a lot when she feels great, so when she feels rotten it becomes her goal to make me feel like I just don't measure up. At this time in my life, I already feel as though I don't measure up the way I should. My mother's constant remarks and "suggestions" only serve to make me collapse inward as I did earlier this year. I haven't yet learned of a way to ignore her. I haven't found a way to take it gracefully, either.

Some of my friends have great relationships with their mothers. They are close. They share interests. When I look at my own mother, I wonder how it is that I came from this woman who I only resemble in physical features. I have my father's interests, abilities, and temperament. I often wonder how it is that he doesn't snap.

Someone recommended to me that I really spend some time focusing on specific issues, one at a time. This seems like very general advice, but this person helped me to focus on prioritizing the many issues in my life. Many of my problems stem from the loss of employment. Once I find stable employment again, everything else will probably start to fall into place.



The relationship failures this year are my fault. There are circumstances surrounding both of the situations that I cannot and will not share, but suffice it to say that I am the one who truly messed up everything. My own inability to cope with the forces that I perceive as threatening plays a tremendous role in this.