Saturday, December 09, 2023

True Friendship: Repairing My Kitchen and My Life

 Yesterday night, I ended a relationship with someone I had been dating for seven months. While things started out on the same page, a friend cautioned me about the situation. 

She stated that while we both have baggage, the "luggage" does not match. This man's unresolved childhood trauma, past failed relationships (including a marriage that ended earlier this calendar year), and his unwillingness to deal with his issues in a way that involved trained therapists all led to our undoing. 

I decided to pursue this relationship anyway. For the first few months, things were good. We enjoyed the same activities (hiking, photography, comedy shows, museums, etc.), and we had plenty of opportunities to spend time together doing activities we both liked. 

I asked him in July for names of some contractors that he works with that he would trust to give me an estimate on some kitchen repairs that I needed. I have asked every week since the second week of July. Every time, he has given me a different excuse, put it off, or "forgot." 

The trouble really began when I introduced him to my two closest friends. One friend - an older woman I befriended while working in educational publishing - and the other - a man to whom I was introduced by a mutual friend. These two people have become "my tribe" while living so far from family, and they both prioritize me in ways that make me feel like I am part of their families. 

The boyfriend really took a liking to the female friend, and he was supportive of me spending time with her. He instantly disliked my male friend and began accusing me of inappropriate behaviors and banter with said person (despite those things never having happened). 

We should have halted things then, but we continued with the understanding that his insecurities, our mutual overthinking, and our interactions with other people would need to be addressed with supportive transparency. 

In recent months, things deteriorated, particularly when my male friend's mother rapidly declined in health and passed away. By reaching out to check on my friend and his sister, I had "broken" some sort of "rule" to which I had not agreed, My boyfriend explained that I had "prioritized them" by sending them texts to let them know that I am so sorry for their loss and was around if they needed me. 

I was not asked to end my friendship with my best male friend, although my boyfriend had asked that I  spend more time with him in the evenings rather than spending my time talking to the friend every afternoon/evening). I felt this would help my relationship, so I had a conversation with my friend who agreed that it was probably good for us both to focus on our new relationships and limit our catching up. His relationship did not last very long, but he continued to honor my request for uninterrupted time with my boyfriend. 

I do not progress in relationships as quickly as others, and this caused a rift in my relationship. My boyfriend decided that he "knew" why I was not like other people he had dated in the past and it was not that I was just a different person with different values. He decided the problem must be my close friendship with my friend, and he began badmouthing him and then accusing me of doing things with that person (in the past before I met my boyfriend). 

Every time I explained it was inappropriate for him to suggest such things and that he was wrong about his assumptions, he started an argument and cited my failure to "meet his needs" and how I was causing ALL the problems in the relationship.  

A week ago, we sat down to discuss the status of our relationship and if either or both of us felt it was salvageable. We both agreed that we needed to do some serious work. On Monday, we met to start the hard work of figuring out the mess we had created. We both expressed that we were going to meet later in the week after we spent time mapping out what we wanted and what we each needed to feel supported and loved. 

I completed my "assignment" and checked throughout the week to see if he was ready to share his, as well. Each day, he presented me with a different reason why he could not get to it - the final one being that he did not feel it was necessary to write down his ideas and he had thrown away the paper. When I asked if he would like for me to email it to him, he just gave a short "No" and changed the subject. 

I mentioned again that I needed the short list of contractors he had promised since one issue was becoming a larger problem now that the temperature outside was dropping lower and lower. He, again, did not have the information I requested. 

I also asked if we could meet on Friday night, and he explained that he hoped we could fix "this." He did not respond when I asked what time or where we should plan to meet. I tried a few times through social media messages and a phone call during the day on Friday. Eventually, he told me to just call him on the phone. 

I did. 


I asked if he felt that we were working, and he said no. We talked for a few minutes, and a mild disagreement started. I asked about what pathways he sees to reach a resolution. He said, "I don't see any way to fix this because you don't prioritize me."

I took a deep breath, silently counted to ten, and said that this relationship was just not working for me. I did not think we were going to be able to fix it. He agreed.

At this point, I said, "We need to stop torturing each other. We bring out the worst in each other, and I think this just needs to be over."

He hung up and then started sending (blasting, really) messages via social media chat. I agreed to talk, and although the result was the same, he unleashed some anger. We ended that call upset. 

Over the next couple of hours, we talked, argued, cried, offered apologies, cried some more, and offered well wishes to each other. 

I woke up sad today, but it did not last long. 

My friend texted me to ask if today is a good day for him to come over to help me repair the plumbing, the wall, and the ceiling in my kitchen. 

We spent today doing just that while he reassured me that I would be okay, that working on myself to spot and avoid people like the (now former) boyfriend in the future is a good use of my time, and talking about life. 

We even made time for a swordfight with the foam insulation tubes for the pipes!


All in all, today was the first day of what I feel could be a path full of better days...and I have a true friend who will help build those better days!

Wednesday, November 22, 2023

Three Essential Questions

 11/22/2023

I never really followed the show Grey's Anatomy when it was on TV. I know that characterization for TV shows requires a certain level of exaggeration and extremism, and I just could not fully invest in "caricatures" of medical professionals. 

I know real people are not actually like the over-the-top characters, and the hospital-based and personal disasters are unrealistic. I am unsure what I lack in life lately, but I have been pulled into this ridiculous medical drama via Netflix. 

I started at the beginning and am currently in Season 10. In a "recent" episode, one doctor is addressing a patient who is alive and mentally alert despite either breaking his back or his neck. As the patient had expressed a wish to NOT be kept alive by machines, Dr. Yang is verifying that he does, indeed, want to be taken off the ventilator, which will lead to his own death since he is paralyzed from the neck down and his body cannot even breathe on its own. 

The situation is extreme, which both irritates me and entertains me, but the questions really struck a chord with me, and I think they are valuable self-assessment tools for people experiencing a traumatic event AND for people who just need to redirect their efforts for more purposeful living. 

The questions:


1. Do you know who you are?

- I remember being asked this when I came out of my medically-induced coma in 2011. I knew my name, address, birthdate. I did NOT have a strong sense of who I was after the aneurysm rupture, and it took quite a while to regain my sense of self. 

- I think we should all be asking ourselves who we are because life is not experienced in a vacuum, and we experience, react, adapt, and evolve throughout our lives. Do I know who I am? Yes. Will I be the same person five years from now? Probably not. I'll be mostly the same, but life will continue to shape me just as I will continue to shape my life. 






2. Do you understand what's happened to you?

- I recall both my medical team and my parents asking me this question after we determined that I knew who I was. I struggled to comprehend the magnitude of the medical emergency I had just survived, and I certainly was not fully aware of how my life would change. 

I felt like I was an imposter wearing a damaged costume (mostly) shaped like me. Intensive physical, occupational, speech and neuropsychological therapy helped to "patch up" the parts that the doctors could patch up. 

- In a greater sense, I feel that this question is much more cerebral (get it? brain pun!) since it requires an awareness of the past, the present, and the future to provide context for any hardship we endure, especially during the moment itself. 

- In the broad spectrum of trauma (of which I have had plenty...some from circumstance, some medical, some caused by other humans, and some created in my own anxiety-focused mind), the scariest part of this is knowing that some of the worst experiences of my life happened when I was incapacitated and I cannot actually recall everything. I am certain, though, that if I did remember all of it, I would probably have even more issues and triggers. There is an odd peace in missing some of the more horrific pieces. 






3. Do you want to live this way?

- No one asked me this question until I was in therapy for trauma caused by another person. After my aneurysm rupture, subarachnoid hemorrhage, and stroke, I was not given a choice. I was told that I needed to get up and try to fix what was newly broken and damaged in me. There was no option to choose a life in which I did not regain my physical, emotional, intellectual, and social determination and independence. By seeing only a path in front of me to slowly gather and glue back together all the pieces of me, I did not even consider that I had a choice to make. 

- Living this way made it easy to tell myself I was far more healed than I actually was. I only realized that I was not as okay as I believed when someone inflicted additional trauma on me that left me alone, confused, and scared. 

I was referred to a therapist who specialized in this particular type of counseling, and she asked me one day when I was talking (probably ranting) about the anger I felt: Do you want to keep living life this way? She explained that anger feels stronger than fear, but courage is about facing the issues head-on and dealing with the fallout...which will eventually transition into strength and pride in my ability to overcome anything. It took almost two years to work through that pain, and I emerged with a stronger sense of self. 





Thank you, Shonda Rhimes and Sandra Oh, for giving me questions to ponder!





Friday, November 17, 2023

Hiatus Over

 Today, I woke up thinking about the unfinished writing in my life. 

I manage state-level adoptions of instructional materials for an educational publisher, and I do a lot of form-filling, documentation-gathering, communications with educational agencies, and project management. I do not, however, get to do a lot of writing. 

In my last role (which was, technically, a more comprehensive but "smaller" role) with an educational publisher, I did much of the same - form-filling, documentation-gathering, communications with educational agencies, and project management - but I also got to create alignment documents to match educational programs to academic state standards and I wrote business proposals for state adoptions and district adoptions, responded to catalog bids for instructional materials, and  I sometimes even partnered with the marketing team to use my creative writing skills to help market educational materials to different clientele. 

Since my last writing streak on here:

1. I re-enrolled in my Master of Arts (English Studies) program and finished it in 2015. (What's an extra four years for a degree I had planned to finish the year my aneurysm ruptured and I had to shift my focus, energy, and money to recovering from that?)

2. I moved to Massachusetts in 2017 - lived in 4 different apartments there (one of which was with my now ex-boyfriend Chris, whom I was with 2014 - 2020). I turned my full-time job into a part-time position and have worked in higher education, temporary positions in various fields, and in educational publishing. Both of my cats are gone. Alison died in 2020 at age 18, and Natalie died in 2021 at age 19. Chris's cats Mimi and Creature have also died (both in 2022). They had also been "my" cats in the two years Chris and I lived together.  

3. I moved to New Hampshire in 2022 when I bought my first house. It's an okay place; I just feel like I am in the M. C. Escher paiting Relativity because I have stairs everywhere. I'm not thrilled by the HOA and its drama. I still work in educational publishing and still teach part-time. I currently have a new boyfriend. Really interesting part? He's also a Metro Detroiter (and has an abundance of Detroit-specific tattoos to prove it!) living in New Hampshire.

4. My two closest friends are a 70-year-old woman I used to work with at one educational publisher and a 50-year-old man who a former coworker tried to set me up with since we were both single. We hit it off immediately, but much to Jackie's disappointment after the setup, the only thing that sparked is friendship. 

5. I still teach English and German online and am also looking for more of that, either at the high school level or as an adjunct faculty member in higher education. 

6. I have also started writing a LOT of things but didn't finish. I currently have:

- TV pilot scripts mapped out with some portions scripted for several episodes

- lots of ideas on Post-it notes

- journal entries

- poetry

- short stories and mapped out ideas for books, including a "children's" book series that center on a friend of mine and his dog

- political rants but still no manifestos.

- academic resources that I use in my teaching and others that I sell on Teachers Pay Teachers

- letters

- essays and master's thesis documents, and even some of my own research that has not (yet) been published. Maybe 2024 will kick me in the kiester just enough to submit it to periodicals and journals, as well as for teaching conferences. 



Tuesday, December 31, 2019

ND

Part of me wants someone whom I shall refer to as ND. We argued today. It happens every so often, but we resolve things quickly and continue our talks. I know he and I will never be anything more than friends, but he is so much more than a friend - I can always count on him for sound advice, calm and collected discourse, and a sense of calm that puts everyone at ease. 

I'm not ready for you to only be a memory

Alison is having more bad days than good days.



In February 2019, she was paralyzed in her back legs and tail. With acupuncture and lots of pain medication, she regained the use of her hind legs. Her tail has not come back "online."

In May 2019, the vet noticed a drop in Alison's weight from 9 pounds to 7 pounds. We worked on bulking up her weight through higher fat content food.


In November 2019, the vet explained that she had only a week or two left, but she has managed to survive almost two more months. She had dropped from 7 pounds to under 5 pounds, and the vet found a mass in her abdomen but couldn't test it due to Alison's low body weight.

Alison's weight has gone up and down every week since that November appointment, and she is still walking, eating, drinking, and using the litterbox properly.

We have an appointment today for End-of-Life evaluation and care after several days of extreme lethargy, weakness, lack of eating, and general pain. Depending on what the vet says, we might need to euthanize her today or we can wait.

No one is ready to lose a person or a pet, but I am really not ready for her to only be a memory.


Sunday, June 30, 2019

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Alison

Alison is one of my cats. She was born in July 2002, and I adopted her in 2003.



December was difficult. She developed a UTI, and during the exam to determine the cause, the vet diagnosed renal failure (she is in the very early stages of it, but her kidney health is actually pretty good right now).

She's always been a very active cat, and she wasn't letting her antibiotics slow her down. The UTI passed, and she was doing really well.

And then February 7th happened. She was fine in the early morning, jumping onto counters and begging for treats. Twenty minutes later, she was in the dining room, dragging her hind legs and tail behind her. I rushed her to an emergency veterinary hospital in a nearby city, where they immediately did blood work and a full exam.

They suggested letting her stay overnight to go through more tests, have X-Rays done, and then recuperate. Chris and I even got to visit her before her bedtime (yes, my cat has a specific time of day that she grabs her favorite toy and expects to be tucked into her blankets for the night).

The next day, the vet said she improved but then declined again, so I scheduled a feline neurology appointment for the following morning. The neurologist suggested lots of rest, a padded cage or room separate from the other cats where she would have a reduced risk of falling and injuring herself further, and possibly starting acupuncture treatments.

Today, I was helping Alison into her little bed, and she stretched and I felt her back crack (in a good way!). She immediately started taking a few more steps on her own.

Tomorrow, a vet/acupuncturist is making a house call to come treat Alison. We'll see if this helps her regain use of her limbs.

We head back to the neurologist on Saturday.

I know both of my cats are turning 17 this summer, but it seems they have lots of life left in them. Alison is seriously motivated by kitten chow (bad for her kidney health) and treats (also not the greatest for her kidneys).

So far, the two vets at her regular veterinary clinic, her ER vet, and the neurologist say that as long as she has a good quality life and is still eating and drinking....just keep that going!

We'll find out tomorrow morning if the veterinarian/acupuncturist suggests the same.


Friday, January 04, 2019

2019: Purge, Purge, Purge!

2019 Reasons to Purge, Purge, Purge

It's time for all that "New Year/New You" crap.

This year, I am focusing on Goals rather than Resolutions. (more on those at a later time because it seems that four of my seven goals are, perhaps, not realistic in the span of one calendar year)


One of my cats is experiencing Stage 1 renal failure. She has arthritis, as well, but other than those two things, she's a pretty solid little Golden Girl kitty. The vet is optimistic about the antibiotics, medicated food, and the water intake, so far.

I am removing a minimum of ten (10) items from my home per day and discarding, donating, or gifting them.

So far in 2019, I have eliminated 32 items, and I have the rest of today to pick more items to go.
I started watching Hoarders (in the background) while I clean my home. It seems to help motivate me to keep going, as I am desperately afraid of reaching "Hoarder" status.

I am a packrat. I was raised by a cluttered packrat. She was raised by a minimally neat hoarder. The neat hoarder was raised by a Hoarder.



I am reading every day, and I've started writing again. I love my three jobs (coordinator in educational sales, German teacher, and English & German teacher with contracted course writing duties).

I'm making friends with some coworkers, which makes me happy. I have felt a little isolated as my social life really just consists of spending time with my boyfriend (with whom I live).