One Year

So, March 14th this year definitely started out better than March 14th last year.

I kind of wish I had taken the day off of work today, though. My students were disrespectful, violent, and loud today. I was thoroughly ticked off. I had one student threaten me and I had security remove her. I kicked myself for not taking a "mental health day" today. I really could have used it.

I need a break.

I can't believe sometimes that I've made a full recovery from last March 14th's massive stroke.

TOO NEEDY?

Today, my boyfriend told me I am a bit too needy. This upset me. He's the one in constant contact.

If I sit on the far end of the couch, he has to comment about how far away I am. WTF?

Fibonacci Sequence

I have been testing myself with the Fibonacci sequence to make sure I am okay (google Fibonacci Number). I usually handwrite it and make additional notes to see if i can chart the changes in my though processes as my brain heals in this first year following my aneurysm rupture.

I struggled with this sequence in April 2011, which irritated me. My notes that I began writing then were, for teh most part, unintelligible. By May, I was listing notes that were mostly old-school arithmetic forms, complete with + and = symbols.

In July, I stopped writing the notes to myself, instead just focusing on the math itself and trying to keep all arithmetic inside my head.

In September I was too focused on my broken heart to check my math computation skills on my own. October was similar, but my psychological evaluation for work included math that followed the Fibonacci pattern. I liked being ready for a test like that.

In November, I began dating someone whose background in math and psychology lead to his own study of my abilities, emotions, etc. We were not a good match, overall, and we stopped dating in early December, but he started the Fibonacci sequence again. I had a few moments when I did not appear okay, so he felt the need to check my mental processing ability to figure out if I was suffering another stroke. I was not. I was overheated and nearly passed out while at his residence. After correctly calculating math sums, I was calm and was able to breathe normally, regain my composure, and go about my visit.

Now, months later, I find myself calculating math sums again. I am not writing it down, but I am articulating my thought process out loud. It's a strange thing to be saying to myself, but it seems to be helping me focus my attention.

Friends Again

So, my best friend and I were joking around on FB about writing the other off. In the middle of the conversation, he unfriended me. He added me back shortly thereafter, and we continued chatting.

I have such fears of abandonment. It's a little strange to be admitting something like that because I dislike many people.

Can we Pause Right Here?

I'm having an incredible week.

1. I returned to work on Monday. I was so moved with one class's outpouring of emotion over my return to them that I got misty-eyed at work.

The students have been working hard in my class, and my TA is actually pretty cool - she even said she'd be more than happy to help me with grading all the essays. I am pleased with everything related to work right now. It's such a change. The TA even found stuff my last sub said she had thrown inthe trash. It was crammed into file cabinets. It made my day!

2. My love life....well, I still have the boyfriend. I'm feeling like my anger from falltime is melting away, and I can live for us NOW and for us in the future. He is mending my broken heart quite well. I can't wait to see him in a few days!!!

3. Health exams continue to reveal me to be vibrant, healthy, and free of any more complications..... I did gain back some of my 2011 weight loss, but I am actually okay with it because I feel alive. I feel healthy. I considered taking up running again, but I did that a year ago, and I wound up having a stroke three months into the year. I'm not interested in repeated that. I will just focus on other things.

4. My hospital sent me a check. I'm not sure what it's for, but I'll be more than happy to cash it. We can always use a little kick-back, right?

5. I am finally excited to go to therapy after work tomorrow. I want my therapist to see what I'm like when I'm 100% happy.

Advice

I have a few friends who offer me advice on my life. I am just so bad at it lately.

One told me tonight that I just need to get past it - I experienced some things this year that were completely out of my control, and I need to accept that, process the emotions, and move the fuck on.

It's good advice, and very necessary advice for me to follow. I jsut don't knwo how to do this.


I'm half super thankful for these people telling me what I need to hear....I'm half angry. They don't fuckign understand waht sort of hell I've expereienced in the past year - how some things will NEVER be the same again.

KIDS

I met the Canadian's kids. It was a nice day spent with them. I really do want kids someday.