Do svidaniya

I received an odd email today through meetup. This site is not a place for singles to meet; it is simply a collection of groups for people to join. I found my current ukulele group as well as a variety of knitting and drumming groups I have yet to join. The email was from some 30-year-old man in my city who, apparently, wants to meet me. This message took me by complete surprise. It was somewhat of a pick-me-up, but it also brought on a sudden feeling of paranoia. I have no idea who this person is, but he found me through the ukulele group. He had suggested to his mother (who is a hand-drummer) to send me an invitation to a local drumming circle event so that we might have the opportunity to meet. When the drum circle was canceled at the last minute, he decided to email me directly.

Now, I am all for people going after what they want. In fact, I encourage people to stand up and take those risks because, let's face it, life doesn't present all the opportunities we'd like. Sometimes we have to jump start our lives a little. What makes me feel uncomfortable is that this person knows where I plan to be later on in February. If this individual is unbalanced in any way, that puts my safety at risk.

I have no intention of contacting this person, but I did some digging into his background just to find out if he is real. He appears to be what he claimed in the message. He is, in fact, in the IT field. He has his own business. I found him on MySpace. The page appeared legitimate, and I looked at pictures. I do not intend to contact this man, and it is good to now have a picture in mind should I pass him on sidewalk as I walk around Ann Arbor.

I have a strange history of attracting odd characters, and I think that this is just a new one to add to the list. If Beck were to read this, she'd probably label him "Weirdo # something" as she used to do in college. I have a truly wary nature about men. I've never dated anyone who was not first a friend, and I have no intention of breaking from tradition. In all actuality, I don't know where I stand in the whole dating thing, and I am enjoying not being set in any solid direction. I do things because I want to do them - without obligation.

I have decided to be passive about the whole thing. I will not send a message back, even though I've always been taught that it is rude to not return correspondence. In this case, I am not acquainted with the person and I did not solicit any contact. Therefore, it is justifiable to not contact this man. If we were friends or acquaintances, then some sort of polite refusal or acceptance of a date would be in order.

In his closing, he said "Do svidaniya." There were some instances of language differences that suggested he is from another country, but he seems to have a very solid grasp of American English, which suggests that he moved here while he was still quite young. His parting words struck me, though, because most people believe that do svidaniya means good-bye forever. It really means the same as the German "Auf Wiedersehen!" or until we meet again. Do the Russians have a word or phrase for good-bye that doesn't suggest a later meeting?

Hello, Universe. I see you again.

Tonight marked the first marching band reunion. A handful of people showed up, and it was wonderful to sit and talk with people I haven't seen in years.

I was truly thrilled when I saw a familiar non-band face. Jeff P. and I have been out of contact since our graduation (he and I were paired for the stage part of commencement). We sat and talked, and I cannot tell how thrilling it was to talk to him. He was planning to meet a couple of his friends (one showed up for a few minutes - it was Rob C.!). I talked with both of them for a couple of minutes. I really felt as though the universe was putting me where I belong. I notice this phenomenon every so often when coincidences fall into place.

Later conversation with some of the guests of our own party made me feel connected to something greater. Todd S. and I spoke of our shared students (he at the middle school last year and I at the high school this year).


I was right where I was supposed to be...and it was a sensation that will help me to make decisions this upcoming year.

Is There Anybody Out There?

I am spending Christmas Day alone. My family gathered last night at my place for dinner. I didn't think I would feel so depressed right now. I don't feel like I am a part of anything like I should be today.

Instead, I am sitting in near silence with my cats. I keep adding wood the fire (I do love having a fireplace), and I am hoping some friends (or, even, my parents) just stop by. I have plenty of food and wine, and it would be nice to share in some holiday cheer.

Perhaps I will just nap away the day.

I can drink and be merry tomorrow when I meet a bunch of old friends in Plymouth. Today will be my rest day.

2009 coming a close

It's time to take stock of our lives again, folks. It's time to decide what things need work, what things need to be left behind, and what we will make for our future.

For me, 2010 will include:
Earning my MA in April
Bridal showers
Two weddings (I will be a bridesmaid again.)
Lay-off from work in June (It's much easier to stomach knowing that this will happen year after year for a while.)
A new place to hang out in Farmington Hills (a good friend just got his own place there).


If I choose from my present, I could have:
A relationship with my ex, but I'd have to cut off all contact with someone else (and stop attending things that I enjoy on the off-chance that the someone else might be there). There are so many reasons why I stayed with him over the past decade. Many of those reasons are rooted in the foundation that is us.
A relationship with the someone else. I fear I would keep pushing this person in ways that he is not altogether familiar - I don't like standing still, and I see that as a potential problem.
A life being truly single with no one occupying my time.
A relationship with someone brand new, but I have major trust issues and cannot fully get into a relationship with anyone who is not, at least, a friend for a long period of time.

I haven't yet decided what it is that I will not have in 2010. That is where the work truly starts.

Day One

Day One of my holiday vacation. So far, I haven't really accomplished anything. Instead, I am wrapped up in a blanket. My cold from a couple of weeks ago is still lingering, and today it feels worse. I am coughing more than usual, and my head hurts.

I will not be attending The Underdog's show tonight. I was considering going, but not feeling well has since removed it from my to-do list. I'd rather stay home and get some much-needed rest.

Fed Up

I've been listening to someone recently who keeps saying how he wants something more than what he has. I asked if he wanted my help since I spend every day helping people get where they plan to go. He said yes. I offer information, guidance, resources, etc. He does absolutely nothing with any of these things, telling me I don't understand. He doesn't like that I have a plan to help him move beyond his excuses.

I unleashed some of my frustration at this person today over the phone when I, once again, was trying to show him how to go about doing something that he says he wants to do. When he came back with the same stupid excuses that don't actually follow logic, I pointed out that he is just lazy and not willing to work toward anything better. I told him I have no sympathy for him. He is determined to stay at the bottom of the food chain. I told him that if he truly wants something better, he is the one who has to change because the world isn't going to change for him.

He became angry with me, and I understand that he truly wants me to believe that he is incapable of doing anything more productive with his life. I offer no pity, and that probably frustrated him further.

I just truly believe that we are ultimately responsible for the situations of our life. Those who choose to not go to school and move up the economic ladder make that choice by not seeking out avenues for loans, No Worker Left Behind programs, and other work-study options. Those who stick around in the same job that offers no medical benefits packages and no training funds get no sympathy, either. Minimum wage jobs are out there that do offer these things to their employees. One just has to seek them out and be professional enough to land the job.

Beyond this, there are cost-saving methods that will allow for one to squirrel money away. Rebates for products, necessary services, and medications help. One just has to keep track of everything. Not buying frivolous things that do not serve to shelter or feed someone will help. Creating a skill or craft that is easy, i.e. knitting. People spend all kinds of money on homemade scarves at craft shows. Yes, men are not typically knitters, but it is simple and can be done while watching TV, talking on the phone, etc. Six dollars in yarn can net fifteen to twenty dollars for some sort of product. Granted that factors one's time into it, but if you are doing something else for yourself during that time, it's a win-win situation.

Selling unused items at sales, on ebay, or through Amazon works well. People are always looking for things, and it is nice to get money for the stuff you don't plan to use ever again.

Get a second job! If you have the time, then earn some extra cash for those items in the future that you know you will need.

Volunteer with an organization. While the pay is absolutely terrible, organizations will routinely train their people in some area, so you can learn a trade or something and use that for a later job.

Check the continuing education classes at local schools. I decided in 1999 or 2000 to take Jeremy on a date. We went to a forklift training class that was offered through KVCC for %5.00 each. We both enjoyed a hearty breakfast and a hearty lunch (definitely worth more than $5.00!!!) and gained a certification we could take with us to a job, if necessary. It was boring in parts, but we learned something new. I even found an error in operator usage with maximum weight loads and helped change the legal regulations (am I awesome or what!?!).

No Worker Left Behind is an incredible program and is completely free. There is no excuse to not use it if you are earning less than 40K.

Use coupons whenever possible.

Save change and actually use it to buy things you need.

Join a local freecycle or ecycle group on yahoo to find items that other people are simply discarding before they turn it into trash. The WesternWayne one is great, as well as the two A2 groups. People request things and other people offer. All one has to do is contact the people. It's wonderful. I received grapevines that I planted in my backyard. I am excited because the guy was just going to throw them in the compost heap. I was able to salvage something that may just result in fresh grapes in my own backyard.

What a frustrating day!

Irritation

Everything is irritating me today. I feel like shutting everyone out for a while.

The Universe and Cough Drops

I have a cold. It's not the worst cold I've ever suffered through, but every cold is miserable to some extent. I feel that I wasted all of my Saturday. I drank lots of fluids and slept most of the day.

I woke early this morning and bundled up to walk myself to the store for cold medicine. I prefer Advil Cold & Sinus, so I headed to the pharmacy area, silently hoping I wouldn't have to go through all of the hassle of showing an ID, signing a statement, etc., but no such luck. The woman scanning everything couldn't seem to get things moving quickly, which is quite bothersome when one is already feeling irritable and uncomfortable.

I was pleased with myself for having walked to the store. I was also pleased that, when I reached home, I brought in the glass top for my patio furniture as well as the umbrella. I have been putting that off for some time now. I think I was hoping for more unseasonably warm days. I have yet to bring in the chairs, table stand, and umbrella stand. I don't yet have a place for those items in my basement.

I took a couple of the Advil pills and sat down to read the post cards on Postsecret. I started this Sunday morning ritual years ago, always searching for my secret - NOT that I have ever sent one in, but one from someone else who simply has experienced the same things and feels the same about life right now. I still have not found anyone that matches completely. It makes me feel alone.

Perhaps I should write in. I don't know what I would say, though. I have a tendency to blurt things out, even when I know what I say will hurt others. I don't like holding back.

My major problem is that I don't know where I belong. Do I belong in some other country at this point in my life? Do I belong here? Who am I supposed to spend New Year's Eve with? How will I know if I am making the right choices for my life? I'm constantly unsure of myself. I cannot recall a time when I felt so uncertain. Do I really want to keep teaching in K-12? Do I care enough to teach? Why do I feel empty at work? Why am I holding other people's secrets? Why do I have to keep them secret in my decision-making process for everything in my life? I feel weighed down by other people's circumstances, and yes, while I do believe that we are ultimately responsible for any and all of the garbage we are in as individuals, I can't help but feel that my emotions and my logic are constantly battling over these things.

The Advil has kicked in. I know this because I am starting to cry. I wish that medication affected me in normal ways - just alleviating symptoms of different ailments. Lucky me, everything has an odd effect. Sudafed makes me giggly and unable to focus on things. It makes my ears ring, as well. NyQuil keeps me awake. DayQuil makes me shaky and drowsy, but it's difficult to fall asleep without having nightmares. Benadryl makes my eyes hurt. Tylenol makes my stomach ache. Advil makes me weepy. Cough drops discolor my teeth and wear away the enamel very quickly (my dentist has told me I shouldn't use them at all). Store brands also have funky effects, too. I should submit to testing at U of M or something. I'm sure that I probably have some weird chemistry in my brain or some hormone is not being produced the right way. In any case, I think I will enjoy my sobbing because I can still move around and get some work done.

Sorry for the rant. It's been a while.

Oh, universe, please give me a sign. Tell me what I am supposed to do with my life.