"Happy" Medium

I am still having recurring nightmares almost every night. I hate that with the return to healthy hormone and vitamin levels, I am getting a lot of those qualities I don't like about myself. Today was a crabby, "Don't touch me!" day, which was actually okay since I wasn't around a lot of people. I also don't like the terrible, recurring dreams that often disrupt the little rest I do get. I am jumpy and irritated and generally withdrawn.

I don't like that my options are 1)be deficient and malnourished and generally happy because I can't focus on anything, or 2) be physically healthy and irritated with most dealings with others. Where is the "happy" medium?

new blog

I started writing a new blog that sort of marks the beginning of regaining control of my life. I may share it with some as time goes on, but I want to use to to continue to move forward in the new chapters of my life.

The only issues I am plagued with now are HOW to navigate away from what does not have a future to the future I want. I am not one for acting out as I used to. I don't want to burn bridges. I honestly don't understand anymore the point of arguing about things that cannot be changed.

I feel this personality emerging that I can only liken to what I was like in the latter half of college - academically driven, yet mellow and refined in social settings.

Where I Stand

I haven't been writing the way I am *supposed* to be writing lately. I am not keeping track of my actions, feelings, etc. in a way that is useful. I am not reflecting one the choices I've made in a way that actually serves to help me long-term.

Step One: Acknowledgment of where I currently stand

I don't know where I'm headed.

I don't know exactly what I want.

My expectations of others are too high.

I don't know how to let go in a way that isn't dysfunctional.

I am unemployed, and I feel ashamed about this.

I tolerate behaviors in others that I would never tolerate from myself.

I'm in constant fear of hurting others. I put their feelings before my own, despite knowing that I will feel completely worthless.

I am scared to leave the home I have known for the past three years. This is the longest I have lived anywhere since I lived in Westland. I am also afraid of not feeling connected to someone who was the biggest part of my life over the past decade.

I know some time on my own would be helpful. I just don't want to walk away from the feelings I have.

My friends don't seem to want to listen to this whole thing again. I can't blame them. This is why Mike was so wonderful up until last fall.

I cry a lot when I am at home.

The only thing I feel confident about is teaching. I know I am a good teacher, despite the negative comments. I'm actually a really positive influence in the lives of my students. I want to be that person all the time, but it is too difficult.

The desire to go back in time and change things is back. It's all I think about. I think about not taking "no" for an answer when I told Jeremy we needed to go to counseling last year. I still see him as the most important person in my life. I want to find a way to make him happy, but I realized that it is often through things that make me disappear more and more into myself. I can't shake this feeling for him. And I can't seem to leave Tony alone either.

It's a Tuesday.

Either terrible dreams are returning to me or I am returning to them; I haven't decided my perspective on this yet. It's an uncomfortable start to a day when I already feel anxiety without true provocation. I decided that cleaning would be a fantastic activity this morning. I am sort of let my kitchen go, and it is full of clutter. Laundry needs to be washed. I like to work on things concurrently, so I have Tilex breaking up soap scum in the bathtub while I put dishes in the dishwasher, which I will start once the first load of laundry is in the dryer and I am scrubbing the tub. I've already cleaned all electronics, mirrors, and windows - the windows I cleaned before I opened them to air out my place.

It's amazing how quickly time is progressing. Exactly one week ago, I was entering the Adult ESL office in Walled Lake to interview for a part-time teaching position. Carolyn interviewed right before me, and I hoped that both of us would be offered the two positions.

Now, I am faced with cleaning up my home while focusing on leaving. I am pitching many things. I need to post some of them on the Western Wayne (MI) Freecycle group so that other people may enjoy / use the things I haven't touched in so long.

My parents asked what I might like this year for my birthday. It seemed a bit early, but I think they were considering getting me something for my home. I could really use a new couch, to be honest. I'm certain that they would "surprise" me with this. I am notoriously practical, and I tend to ask for things I would just buy for myself anyway. In fact, my laptop was more of an extravagant purchase. I have a desktop, but with grad school, it has been somewhat unreliable. It does not stay connected to the internet well, nor does it progress through functions the way it used to. It is still a decent computer, but 2002 was a long time ago, and I need to be embracing new technology not only in my classroom but also in my regular life. I think I might ask for little things like pill boxes (I have to take a lot of vitamins and supplements, but not all every day). I like keeping track of things like this as it helps me to process information and forces me to remember the day before in greater detail, but I think it might be okay to give in to more regimented practices. I will probably end up buying one this week or something, though. That's just who I am.

Well, I just heard the end of the washer cycle. I am back to cleaning. I want to have at least one room done by the time I leave for my cousin's graduation dinner tonight.

German Festival

I spent the afternoon and evening at German Park Recreation Center. I enjoyed a decent German Weissbier and talked with some people I had never before met. I learned that one works with my friend Will at Costco. We talked a little bit.

I spent time with my parents and my father's friends. It's somewhat strange to see him with his buddies, so I just sat back and observed. I can tell that he thoroughly enjoys these people.

I decided to get up and wander around. I called several people. Some answered; some didn't. I looked at the crowd from a distance and let the scene go silent in my head.

After a while, I began walking back to my parents. I saw someone who looked like a girl I had not seen in 15 years. I decided to approach. I asked if her name is Janelle, and she studied my face as she answered yes. I gave her my name and she asked if I used to have blond hair. It's been a long time since I had blond hair. My hair turned darker toward the end of middle school. We briefly talked, and I returned to my parents happy that someone I used to know was at a random German festival.

The world felt much smaller today, much more manageable.

Progress

I really do think everything is going to be alright now.

The End

I lied. I lied to protect what I thought was working with Jeremy and me. I lied about talking to Tony online and on the phone. I withheld the fact that Tony was at the bar and at Joe's party.

I had decided to enter discussion to fix what went wrong in my relationship with Jeremy. We seemed to be getting along quite well. I was hopeful because we hadn't drifted too far apart. I had every intention of focusing on that, but I couldn't seem to shake thoughts about Tony. I even tried to get Jeremy to demonstrate those qualities that I never before knew I needed, as well as ones I always knew I needed, that Jeremy has never really been able to do. He was even willing to try, but for some reason, I couldn't be patient enough. I couldn't trust that he wasn't going to revert back to what drove me away. In addition to this, I have days in which I am borderline insane. This is not an attempt to be cute; it is a truth I've been withholding from many people. I am having some emotional issues, perhaps as a combined result of a traumatic and emotionally charged break-up and medical problems that seemed to hit a climax at the same time. I am still reeling from both, despite some drastic changes, so it is difficult to make progress and fix me. At times, I am able to slow down and get myself in order, but these moments don't last very long.

I responded to messages, thinking that maybe it would be okay (knowing, deep down, that it wouldn't be) - simply because I was avoiding being around Tony in a physical space. I figured the feelings would drift into the background, and they would be no big deal. I hadn't seen him in person in at least a month-and-a-half, and when I did, the feelings were still there. The only difference was that I was experiencing a sensation that I can only liken to that of drowning. I struggled to keep my bearings in our conversation at our table. I wanted to open up to someone and tell what I was feeling, but I was met with a message that I just enjoy the drama. I really thought that this person would truly understand some of what I was experiencing. I can usually hide how deeply I am hurting. I hope I hid it well that night.


Jeremy, if you happen to be reading this...I'm sorry. I know that nothing I say will ever make up for hurting you, for lying to you again, for making you feel like I am a terrible human being. I never meant to put you through this. I never meant to feel what I am feeling. I wanted to believe that you and I could get through anything. I was selfish. I was careless with your heart. I was too weak to give you what you required. I am sorry. I've destroyed every ounce of trust you ever had in me. I've obliterated everything that we once shared.

When Tony contacted me about his incident at work, I felt a surge of panic I didn't know how to avoid.

I truly hope we can be civil to each other. I hope that we both will get through this and heal. You didn't deserve any of this, and I never meant for it to happen.