Wonky

I feel all wonky inside today. I'm not sure what is causing this sensation. I cannot focus on anything for long periods of time. I don't seem to care about the things I need to do. Damned wonkiness!

HOPE

I have found hope again. Don't ask me how. Perhaps it was the poster of Pandora that I found outside my classroom door that has found a new home on a shelf in the back...I don't know. All I do know is that I have found joy in life again, as well as hope for my own future.


I like that I have friends who see what I see, even when other friends are blind to it.

...and

I plan to walk tomorrow...
...and rake the leaves in my yard.
...and clean the glass top of my patio table.
...and work on revisions that Dale sends me.
...and fold, iron, hang, and put away all of my clean clothes.
...and call my sister.
...and take the bookcase upstairs.
...and set up my desk.
...and complete my lesson plans.
...and submit my lesson plans.
...and print some of my photography.
...and hang some pictures.
...and rearrange my living room.
...and vacuum everything.
...and measure my windows for new blinds.
...and go grocery shopping.
...and clean my kitchen.
...and clean both of my bathrooms.
...and go shopping for decor.
...and listen to music.
...and practice my band music.
...and make healthy meals.
...and harvest the seeds from my pumpkin.
...and hang a curtain rod in my music room.
...and install my new shower curtain rod.
...and visit with someone at some point.
...and find a repair shop for my cuckoo clock.
...and read some of the research texts I bought for my final master's project.
...and start the binder for my graduate reading course.
...and paint the wall trim in the dining room.
...and write.
...and smile.
...and make my daily list.
...and buy a newspaper.
...and do my homework for my graduate writing class.
...and go far.

Patio Furniture

I feel down, but I feel even worse for being down when so much of my life is decent. Other people have gone through, and are going through, so much more turmoil than I could ever possibly imagine. I want to put everything into perspective properly, but it's difficult when I try to map things out for myself, whether it be a life goal or simply plans for the evening, and others disregard me or forget me.

I snapped at someone on the phone today and then abruptly ended the call. This person did not necessarily deserve the treatment, but I was irritated and hurt. I don't know that this person knows enough about me to leave me alone for a while to build myself back up. I assume that most people don't enjoy confrontation, so I doubt that this particular person will rush to fix my wounded pride.

I have felt a little down all day, and this situation was a blow to my ego. I called a few people who always make me feel better, even though I know that their soul purpose in life is not just to make me feel better. I suppose I was just trying to reach out to my support system. I do that now. I didn't before, and I wound up having even more problems. No one answered.

I'm just going to go sit at my freshly painted patio table in my backyard for a while.

Manic Monday

I'm feeling oddly great after a day with a few ups and downs. I have become so irritated with one particular class that I've decided that I will just start my final graduate research project using this particular group of characters. I am looking forward to a brand new style of teaching that will, hopefully, address the wide range of needs with this group of talkative, disrespectful, annoying, overly active ninth grade students.

Students, both male and female, used to be able to sit in chairs and learn. What happened? Why do I do this for a living? I could have gone into advertising or photography or music or science. Maybe I should leave teaching for something that would allow me to work with adults. I know there are problems everywhere, but I am so tired of dealing with bad parenting meets the high school classroom scenarios.


I went grocery shopping (I bought Blue Moon ice cream!!!). I saw my cousin Corey working the cash register, but I didn't say hello. I figured he probably needed to focus on the huge line of people. I had a rickety cart, too, which made it difficult to maneuver back to where he was. I just pressed on and tried to enjoy my drive home.

Coupons!

Coupon-clipping day. I love coupons.

Dinner

Because I slept through my normal dinner time (plus work time, exercise time, and ukulele group time), I am eating dinner now.

On the plate:

grits with garlic salt and Parmesan cheese
Broccoli-cheddar-potato pierogies sauteed in margarine, onions, and herbs
thinly-sliced tomato with basil and spices


Dessert tonight:

one serving of Banana-flavored Yoplait yogurt
strawberries

Not there

I'm not at the anger stage. I want to be, but I'm not. It's unclear if I will reach that or if I will linger in this place of great depression and disappointment. Aaron's been really nice to me lately, checking on me and trying to get me to focus on the things in my life that are positive.

I honestly feel like part of me is missing. The void in my soul is not going to heal itself quickly.

I need to get back to grading papers. At least there is still hope for these young people.