I played both of my ukuleles today for over six hours. My fingertips are raw, but I have two new songs. I need to record myself. If Jeremy and I had actually decided on a camera for Christmas, I could have posted them tonight.
And then everyone could be subject to my awful singing voice. Jeremy wouldn't be the only with assailed ears!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Poems in a drawer
I wrote two new lyric poems today. I don't know yet if they will amount to songs, but it still felt good to do some writing. This vacation has been slow-going, but there have been many things to inspire me.
Both poems are really rough, and I don't feel like sharing them tonight. I have tucked them away in a drawer with ink cartridges and a stapler.
I went shopping tonight. I bought several sweaters and a light jacket. Now, I just need to work up the motivation to exercise. Then, I will know I have completed all of the tasks I set for myself today.
Autumn's birthday yesterday was decent. We went to Logan's and then came back to my place for dessert. It's been a while since I had guests over. Jeremy tends to have his buddies over, and I always feel ashamed that the house is not in order. Luckily, Jeremy helped me clean and straighten up the house yesterday afternoon. It was good that I didn't have to feel like I was being judged by my mother.
Both poems are really rough, and I don't feel like sharing them tonight. I have tucked them away in a drawer with ink cartridges and a stapler.
I went shopping tonight. I bought several sweaters and a light jacket. Now, I just need to work up the motivation to exercise. Then, I will know I have completed all of the tasks I set for myself today.
Autumn's birthday yesterday was decent. We went to Logan's and then came back to my place for dessert. It's been a while since I had guests over. Jeremy tends to have his buddies over, and I always feel ashamed that the house is not in order. Luckily, Jeremy helped me clean and straighten up the house yesterday afternoon. It was good that I didn't have to feel like I was being judged by my mother.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Stringed Instrument Indecision 2008
So, my parents gave me cash for Christmas. That was never the practice before. They told me to buy something for myself. I am torn between two items - a baritone ukulele and a violin. I cannot make up my mind, and sales are almost over. I don't know if I should just order both.
What do you think?
What do you think?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
The Talk
No, it's not a parent-child sex talk story, although I do have a 100-word story with that specific situation (from 2000 or 2001) that I might consider posting at some point.
Jeremy and I had a lengthy discussion tonight about, well, almost everything in our relationship, from our laziness about chores to a spiritual connection. He didn't shy away from talking about our feelings, although his body language told me that he felt uncomfortable. He turned slightly away from me, which I commented on. He made the effort to face me and really forced himself to maintain eye contact.
I usually don't get to have full conversations about that stuff with him. I'm hoping that this will mark a new direction for us. Relationships don't run themselves; they are work. It is necessary for the couple to sit down every so often inform the other about their concerns in a calm, rational manner. We haven't had one of our discussions in some time, and it was great to voice some things that have been causing me to lose sight of what's important. He shared his perspective on some of these things, too, which made me think things, like "God, I miss this!" Thoughts like that tell me that we used to do this a lot more and, at some point, we stopped. I don't like that we have grown too comfortable in our roles. It's time to shake things up a bit, I think.
Jeremy and I had a lengthy discussion tonight about, well, almost everything in our relationship, from our laziness about chores to a spiritual connection. He didn't shy away from talking about our feelings, although his body language told me that he felt uncomfortable. He turned slightly away from me, which I commented on. He made the effort to face me and really forced himself to maintain eye contact.
I usually don't get to have full conversations about that stuff with him. I'm hoping that this will mark a new direction for us. Relationships don't run themselves; they are work. It is necessary for the couple to sit down every so often inform the other about their concerns in a calm, rational manner. We haven't had one of our discussions in some time, and it was great to voice some things that have been causing me to lose sight of what's important. He shared his perspective on some of these things, too, which made me think things, like "God, I miss this!" Thoughts like that tell me that we used to do this a lot more and, at some point, we stopped. I don't like that we have grown too comfortable in our roles. It's time to shake things up a bit, I think.
(very) rough draft
So, I decided to share something that's been rolling around in my head today. It's rough, to say the least, and I don't know if I should be sharing it just yet, but I am taking a small leap of faith here. Be kind; this is just the beginning stage of my (writing) process.
I don't have the chords just yet, but I do have a progression in mind (What key does 'Hey There, Delilah' start in? D Major? That's the key I hear in my head.). It would sound so much better on a baritone uke than my tenor uke. Perhaps I will be making my collection well-rounded (soprano, tenor, and baritone) this coming year.
...
A Dream of the Earth
I'm only worth the words
dripping from my mouth
My tired soul bound to the ground
Walking and twisting away
Frightened by the end of my search
to discover I am the dream of the Earth.
Shadows slinking down
to the empty places
where we used to be
So, leaving today
Looking down to the places
that we leave behind
Drifting through the memories
of when I was her -
just a small dream of the Earth.
Fluttering on the wind
of ideas gone awry
always a sad, old lie
Bravely marching forward
to every new scene
wondering what sad thoughts really mean
And I'm walking again
In streams of rain
That wash away the dream of the Earth
I don't have the chords just yet, but I do have a progression in mind (What key does 'Hey There, Delilah' start in? D Major? That's the key I hear in my head.). It would sound so much better on a baritone uke than my tenor uke. Perhaps I will be making my collection well-rounded (soprano, tenor, and baritone) this coming year.
...
A Dream of the Earth
I'm only worth the words
dripping from my mouth
My tired soul bound to the ground
Walking and twisting away
Frightened by the end of my search
to discover I am the dream of the Earth.
Shadows slinking down
to the empty places
where we used to be
So, leaving today
Looking down to the places
that we leave behind
Drifting through the memories
of when I was her -
just a small dream of the Earth.
Fluttering on the wind
of ideas gone awry
always a sad, old lie
Bravely marching forward
to every new scene
wondering what sad thoughts really mean
And I'm walking again
In streams of rain
That wash away the dream of the Earth
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Writing
Joe pointed out that I seem to dwell on one specific issue on my MySpace blog. I won't say that I don't write about it a lot - it is something that I have been struggling to understand for some time. I jumped the gun a little by suggesting to a few very close friends what I thought the underlying issue was, but it doesn't feel like that is truly the root. I explained the closest I could to what I was feeling - I didn't have another word for it. It's not quite that, but it is at the same time. It's like my emotions are tangled, and there is no way to see what they are outside of the intricate knot that exists, so I grasp at concepts that aren't always accurate. I know I post a lot there, but sometimes, I don't share my other writings. I set a number of them as "private." I mean, even that post was only able to be viewed by the short list of people on my preferred list.
I wish I was brave enough to share ALL of my writing. I have two blogs that I update fairly regularly. I sometimes write in a journal. I also write lists, songs, poetry, short stories, short plays (that could be performed in about 10 minutes), letters, self-reflective pieces, academic papers, plans for my life, and so on.
If I were to share all of these writings, my friends would see that on a daily basis, I don't really dwell on any one thing more than another. I think that I am just uncomfortable breaking away from sharing what they already know about me. It's okay for me to share emotions because we've all felt those, but sharing what is a true creation of mine is totally different. I feel self-conscious and scared that my fiction isn't profound enough or that my plays don't embody the essence of humanity.
My songs seem to focus on either deep emotion or they are goofy and overtly sexual, the latter of which not being something I have ever felt comfortable sharing with an audience. My upbringing in a house that did not acknowledge and discuss that part of human existence makes me feel bashful when the topic comes up. I know my lyrics are a way of making light of my own insecurities and embarrassment over such issues, but to share them would make me feel ashamed.
How do I get myself to feel comfortable sharing all of my writing? How do I move beyond the worry that my friends might laugh at something that I couldn't bear to know is terrible? I used to share my writing with a small group of writers, and that was okay. Perhaps I need to give Eric a call and locate Gwen and Scot to start that back up.
And, on a related note, I write so much because, at any given moment, I have at least five different things going on in my head. There is always a running list of tasks that need to be completed (sort of like the ticker at the bottom of CNN or FOXNews), usually two or three daydreams going on simultaneously (and they stay separate in my mind, even if they completely contradict each other), my inner voice that is commenting on the scenarios and how they relate to my life, and another voice that says why I shouldn't share certain thoughts or why I need to worry about something. I consider the last one to be the editor or the filter, and it tends to have the most control. Is there a way to stop this? When I used to do yoga (or if I'd had a couple glasses of wine), I could cut it down to maybe three things, but never could I just have one. It would be so wonderful to give my mind a break. It's always racing, especially in the middle of the night.
I've shared some of the thoughts with Jeremy on occasion - he was overwhelmed with just the different ideas going through my mind in a short two-minute interval. He tells me he doesn't know how I do it. I asked what he meant, in one instance, and he said that with all the ideas going on, he had no idea how I could function like a normal person. A "normal" person. I know he wasn't trying to call me strange or make me feel upset, but I tend to feel like other people's words are cryptic, and therefore, need analysis. I don't think I am abnormal. Am I?
I wish I was brave enough to share ALL of my writing. I have two blogs that I update fairly regularly. I sometimes write in a journal. I also write lists, songs, poetry, short stories, short plays (that could be performed in about 10 minutes), letters, self-reflective pieces, academic papers, plans for my life, and so on.
If I were to share all of these writings, my friends would see that on a daily basis, I don't really dwell on any one thing more than another. I think that I am just uncomfortable breaking away from sharing what they already know about me. It's okay for me to share emotions because we've all felt those, but sharing what is a true creation of mine is totally different. I feel self-conscious and scared that my fiction isn't profound enough or that my plays don't embody the essence of humanity.
My songs seem to focus on either deep emotion or they are goofy and overtly sexual, the latter of which not being something I have ever felt comfortable sharing with an audience. My upbringing in a house that did not acknowledge and discuss that part of human existence makes me feel bashful when the topic comes up. I know my lyrics are a way of making light of my own insecurities and embarrassment over such issues, but to share them would make me feel ashamed.
How do I get myself to feel comfortable sharing all of my writing? How do I move beyond the worry that my friends might laugh at something that I couldn't bear to know is terrible? I used to share my writing with a small group of writers, and that was okay. Perhaps I need to give Eric a call and locate Gwen and Scot to start that back up.
And, on a related note, I write so much because, at any given moment, I have at least five different things going on in my head. There is always a running list of tasks that need to be completed (sort of like the ticker at the bottom of CNN or FOXNews), usually two or three daydreams going on simultaneously (and they stay separate in my mind, even if they completely contradict each other), my inner voice that is commenting on the scenarios and how they relate to my life, and another voice that says why I shouldn't share certain thoughts or why I need to worry about something. I consider the last one to be the editor or the filter, and it tends to have the most control. Is there a way to stop this? When I used to do yoga (or if I'd had a couple glasses of wine), I could cut it down to maybe three things, but never could I just have one. It would be so wonderful to give my mind a break. It's always racing, especially in the middle of the night.
I've shared some of the thoughts with Jeremy on occasion - he was overwhelmed with just the different ideas going through my mind in a short two-minute interval. He tells me he doesn't know how I do it. I asked what he meant, in one instance, and he said that with all the ideas going on, he had no idea how I could function like a normal person. A "normal" person. I know he wasn't trying to call me strange or make me feel upset, but I tend to feel like other people's words are cryptic, and therefore, need analysis. I don't think I am abnormal. Am I?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Feeling of Ick
I feel down. It's not for any particular reason, though. Something just feels off today. I had planned to get a lot of housecleaning done. It didn't happen. I planned to work on curriculum. I will admit I did that. I failed to grade student work. I found out I earned a 4.0 this semester in grad school, which is great.
I think I just needed time for me. I spent a lot of time upstairs here on the computer, but Jeremy is downstairs on his laptop, and it just seems like I have no time on my own. I rarely want this time. I prefer to be around others most of the time.
I miss certain friends. I keep trying to make plans with Maureen, Melissa, and Becky, but things fall through. At least one of us is usually sick at any given moment. Mike is not a part of my social life anymore, and I definitely feel the loss. I'm sure Jeremy is happy to have me all to himself, but I am snippy and not the best company possible today.
I am considering cleaning out the spare room. The truth is that I've been avoiding it for some time, and I think I have a lot of stuff I've needed for months hanging out in the closet. I've just been too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed, or too distracted to get to it. I think this is my chance. Maybe afterward I will get outside and go for a walk in this cold weather. Sure my cough will get worse, but the fresh air will do me good.
I think I just needed time for me. I spent a lot of time upstairs here on the computer, but Jeremy is downstairs on his laptop, and it just seems like I have no time on my own. I rarely want this time. I prefer to be around others most of the time.
I miss certain friends. I keep trying to make plans with Maureen, Melissa, and Becky, but things fall through. At least one of us is usually sick at any given moment. Mike is not a part of my social life anymore, and I definitely feel the loss. I'm sure Jeremy is happy to have me all to himself, but I am snippy and not the best company possible today.
I am considering cleaning out the spare room. The truth is that I've been avoiding it for some time, and I think I have a lot of stuff I've needed for months hanging out in the closet. I've just been too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed, or too distracted to get to it. I think this is my chance. Maybe afterward I will get outside and go for a walk in this cold weather. Sure my cough will get worse, but the fresh air will do me good.
Another Snow Day
I received my snow day call earlier that usual. My district often calls them quite late. I decided to go back to sleep, as I spent most of the night coughing. I don't feel awful, and I'd really like to fly somewhere this weekend, but I feel like I'd be putting other people through hell thinking that they are going to catch this cold.
I don't know why I keep getting sick. Over the past four months, I have spent much of my time recovering. I believe my immune system is compromised simply because of where I work. The building is old, the ventilation system is non-existent, and there is so much mold and asbestos that it weakens me on a daily basis.
I also haven't been as active as I'd like. My weariness (and my constant sneezing and coughing) has kept me away from the gym. That does factor in, I suppose.
I think I will start my day today by scrubbing the kitchen. I don't think we are going to find a flight to Frankfurt with seats available today. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a seat or two. Then all I have to do is find a place for us to stay while we are there - which will NOT be easy. Nuremberg is sort of the "official" center of German Christmas festivities. That's why we want to go there right now.
I don't know why I keep getting sick. Over the past four months, I have spent much of my time recovering. I believe my immune system is compromised simply because of where I work. The building is old, the ventilation system is non-existent, and there is so much mold and asbestos that it weakens me on a daily basis.
I also haven't been as active as I'd like. My weariness (and my constant sneezing and coughing) has kept me away from the gym. That does factor in, I suppose.
I think I will start my day today by scrubbing the kitchen. I don't think we are going to find a flight to Frankfurt with seats available today. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a seat or two. Then all I have to do is find a place for us to stay while we are there - which will NOT be easy. Nuremberg is sort of the "official" center of German Christmas festivities. That's why we want to go there right now.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
9:00 on a Saturday
I don't remember the last time I saw 9:00 AM on a Saturday. I woke before 7:00 today, having slept from 9:00 PM last night. I couldn't believe it. I did dishes and cleaned some of the bathroom. I booted up the computer and looked over several items to make a short Christmas list. The only thing I need is a winter coat (and Jeremy was with me while I picked one out at Dick's Sporting Goods last night). It's more expensive than the limit we had set for ourselves, as North Face products can be pricey, but we decided to tweak the numbers this year. I really need a coat (I've been simply wearing three or four layers of clothes under one of Jeremy's old thinly-lined coats), and the one I tried on is perfect. I don't need anything else, and I can't bear to ask anyone for anything that I wouldn't probably get for myself, anyway. Christmas will be incredibly small this year - everyone is struggling financially, whether it is due to job loss or governmental dipping into already-established retirement funds (which I find horrifically disturbing - taking money from those who did prepare for their futures to give to people who didn't and to help business recover profit loss).
I might ask my parents for a Gorillapod for my camera this year. I don't really need a major tripod, as I don't really have a nice digital camera just yet. I have a decent one that I will continue to use for a while before upgrading (probably next year). I also might ask for a violin. I found a great deal on one online. My parents ordered my tenor ukulele from the same company last year, as well as a bunch of percussion instruments. I just feel strange, though, asking for something that is not necessary. I was just wishing last year for a tenor uke, and I could not believe that my parents got me one. They raised me to be overly practical, so splurging on something like that for me is outrageous.
I ended up not having percussion rehearsal last night, so I looked over my project notes. I have so much work ahead of me. I need to plan better next semester. There is just too much to accomplish before Monday.
Jeremy is on duty for breakfast today, as I did dishes and gathered dirty clothes this morning. He also has to run errands, even though I cautioned him to hurry. He also has homework to do. I can't stand when life gets in the way of formal education.
I might ask my parents for a Gorillapod for my camera this year. I don't really need a major tripod, as I don't really have a nice digital camera just yet. I have a decent one that I will continue to use for a while before upgrading (probably next year). I also might ask for a violin. I found a great deal on one online. My parents ordered my tenor ukulele from the same company last year, as well as a bunch of percussion instruments. I just feel strange, though, asking for something that is not necessary. I was just wishing last year for a tenor uke, and I could not believe that my parents got me one. They raised me to be overly practical, so splurging on something like that for me is outrageous.
I ended up not having percussion rehearsal last night, so I looked over my project notes. I have so much work ahead of me. I need to plan better next semester. There is just too much to accomplish before Monday.
Jeremy is on duty for breakfast today, as I did dishes and gathered dirty clothes this morning. He also has to run errands, even though I cautioned him to hurry. He also has homework to do. I can't stand when life gets in the way of formal education.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Restless
I can't sleep. I haven't really tried to sleep, but I think it will be difficult. I slept for an hour or two in my living, both on the floor and on the couch, as well as a little on both at the same time.
My mind is racing, as it usually does at this hour. I need to set a wedding date already. I don't understand why I am making such a big deal about this. I need to get back on the fitness thing. I've just been so sleepy lately with reduced sunlight. I never experienced such a strong shift before. It's so strange. Perhaps I should get one of those light boxes. I need to get my place organized, but I like cleaning in the middle of the night. Neighbors don't like to hear vacuum cleaners then. I should be writing the stories and songs that are always on my mind. I need to get a few household items to organize my home better. I need to do laundry. I am praying for a snow day, but I don't really need one. I just want to sleep in on a school day, but I refuse to call in sick or take a personal day. I have a concert this weekend (tickets are $12.00 each, which I find to be way too expensive!). I don't know if I will be going to my ukulele meeting this month. I have no reason not to...I just think I will veg out too much, and I will become lazy. I have a lot of copies to make tomorrow morning, so I had better get to school early. My students are lazy, so they probably won't do the work, anyway. I have an exam to finish formatting. I feel like leaving my profession in search of something different (preferably a field that doesn't focus on kids), even though I like what I do for a living. I should move somewhere else in the world. Jeremy no longer wants to move to Germany. I was working on getting my stuff together, but he now wants to stay here. He needs to stop doing this. I started thinking that maybe I should have taken either the English job in Palm Springs or the German job in Anchorage last year. Then I figure that I've already moved away to establish myself in the adult world. I came home. That should be fine, right? I miss certain friends, but the sentiment is fading. I have so much more me time, which probably makes me sound self-important. I keep thinking about words I've never used before. I don't know how I would go about incorporating these words (like 'pugnacious') into everyday conversation without sounding condescending. Then I worry that my (over)use of those sparsely-used words might make me come across as trite. Suggestions?
I sound crazy tonight. I think I might try to get some sleep, even though I am not tired. If sleep doesn't come knocking at my door, I suppose I can just stare at the wall or ceiling. I joked earlier that I should have made a pot of coffee to knock my ass out. I am starting to think that that would be a great idea (caffeine does make me extremely tired). I really should get a doctor's opinion on that situation.
My mind is racing, as it usually does at this hour. I need to set a wedding date already. I don't understand why I am making such a big deal about this. I need to get back on the fitness thing. I've just been so sleepy lately with reduced sunlight. I never experienced such a strong shift before. It's so strange. Perhaps I should get one of those light boxes. I need to get my place organized, but I like cleaning in the middle of the night. Neighbors don't like to hear vacuum cleaners then. I should be writing the stories and songs that are always on my mind. I need to get a few household items to organize my home better. I need to do laundry. I am praying for a snow day, but I don't really need one. I just want to sleep in on a school day, but I refuse to call in sick or take a personal day. I have a concert this weekend (tickets are $12.00 each, which I find to be way too expensive!). I don't know if I will be going to my ukulele meeting this month. I have no reason not to...I just think I will veg out too much, and I will become lazy. I have a lot of copies to make tomorrow morning, so I had better get to school early. My students are lazy, so they probably won't do the work, anyway. I have an exam to finish formatting. I feel like leaving my profession in search of something different (preferably a field that doesn't focus on kids), even though I like what I do for a living. I should move somewhere else in the world. Jeremy no longer wants to move to Germany. I was working on getting my stuff together, but he now wants to stay here. He needs to stop doing this. I started thinking that maybe I should have taken either the English job in Palm Springs or the German job in Anchorage last year. Then I figure that I've already moved away to establish myself in the adult world. I came home. That should be fine, right? I miss certain friends, but the sentiment is fading. I have so much more me time, which probably makes me sound self-important. I keep thinking about words I've never used before. I don't know how I would go about incorporating these words (like 'pugnacious') into everyday conversation without sounding condescending. Then I worry that my (over)use of those sparsely-used words might make me come across as trite. Suggestions?
I sound crazy tonight. I think I might try to get some sleep, even though I am not tired. If sleep doesn't come knocking at my door, I suppose I can just stare at the wall or ceiling. I joked earlier that I should have made a pot of coffee to knock my ass out. I am starting to think that that would be a great idea (caffeine does make me extremely tired). I really should get a doctor's opinion on that situation.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
When Harry Met Sally
I was thinking about this movie a lot today. I also thought about the conversations Beck and I had in college regarding some of the themes within it.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
Good Day / Bad Day
Today felt like a bad day. The weirdest part is that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the day. I enjoyed myself here and there with reading and talking and writing. It was a rather full day, to say the least.
I didn't sleep last night, not one wink. I stared at the ceiling mostly, then at my various alarm clocks, then at the ceiling again. I was really bummed when one alarm sounded. I thought to myself that it would be great to try to get some sleep then. I reset the alarm and just continued to stare - this time at the wall next to the bed. I feel congested, but I am in good spirits.
When the alarm sounded again, I hopped up to do some laundry and get ready for the day.
I arrived at work early and proceeded to wait in line to make copies. When the machine was running, I quickly ventured off to print an attendance form and return (I was away for approximately one minute). I found another teacher had stopped the copier and had decided to start using it. His wife, (another teacher who really used to be a close friend) basically told me that I can't "take up" the copier when other people need it (there are two others in the same room that weren't being used). I was so irritated with this comment. I explained that I had stepped away from it simply because the copies were running and I needed to get something, much like she had done the week prior (and, for the record, I did not stop her copies!). I can't believe what rude, self-important people I work with.
Number one, I had been waiting in line since 6:20 AM. It was 7:00. She and her husband should have shown up early and waited like the rest of us.
Number two, I was using the machine for papers I needed first hour. I wasn't "taking up" a copier.
My students weren't working to their fullest capability today, either, except for my general English kids. I was shocked. They were polite and helpful and focused. Did Hell freeze over last night or something? What did I miss?
I worked on typing an exam for the end of the semester. I also typed up some items for my grad class. Class went by quickly. I like that our class has a distinct community feel to it. We have our routines and we all seem to get along. Jason and I walk back our cars (in the poorly-lit faraway lot), talking about our classrooms, and sometimes our mutual friends (Eve, namely).
I came home and still didn't want dinner. I know I need to eat something, but it feels way too late to eat. I have only a few papers to grade, but I feel like curling up and reading Dante's Inferno (again). It must be because my students are still reading The Odyssey. I prefer The Inferno. I think it tells a much more intellectual tale of one man's journey.
Anyway, I think I might go read for a while now. I am considering getting a bunch of Young Adult novels to read soon. I used to have a small collection when I taught in Florida, but I left most of those books there. I wish I would have at least brought Cut with me. I never got to read all of the books in my collection, but students asked for them, and I felt that the books would serve a greater purpose in their hands.
How can I still feel like today is a bad day? Nothing bad happened.
Well, I take that back. I wouldn't say something "bad" happened, but I missed my friend. I thought about him a lot today. I feel so far from where we were and who we were when we stopped speaking. I don't know what the deal is with me. I'm not feeling depressed about the situation; on the contrary, I am feeling that missing him is positive. We need to be going our separate directions at this point in our lives. There must just have been something in the air that made me think of him.
Am I mourning the loss of November? November was quite good, full of old and new memories and old and new friends. This fall has been a great one. I can't remember the last time I felt so connected to people and events. It has been a non-stop fun fest. Maybe I'm afraid December won't follow suit...December is a different beast entirely.
I didn't sleep last night, not one wink. I stared at the ceiling mostly, then at my various alarm clocks, then at the ceiling again. I was really bummed when one alarm sounded. I thought to myself that it would be great to try to get some sleep then. I reset the alarm and just continued to stare - this time at the wall next to the bed. I feel congested, but I am in good spirits.
When the alarm sounded again, I hopped up to do some laundry and get ready for the day.
I arrived at work early and proceeded to wait in line to make copies. When the machine was running, I quickly ventured off to print an attendance form and return (I was away for approximately one minute). I found another teacher had stopped the copier and had decided to start using it. His wife, (another teacher who really used to be a close friend) basically told me that I can't "take up" the copier when other people need it (there are two others in the same room that weren't being used). I was so irritated with this comment. I explained that I had stepped away from it simply because the copies were running and I needed to get something, much like she had done the week prior (and, for the record, I did not stop her copies!). I can't believe what rude, self-important people I work with.
Number one, I had been waiting in line since 6:20 AM. It was 7:00. She and her husband should have shown up early and waited like the rest of us.
Number two, I was using the machine for papers I needed first hour. I wasn't "taking up" a copier.
My students weren't working to their fullest capability today, either, except for my general English kids. I was shocked. They were polite and helpful and focused. Did Hell freeze over last night or something? What did I miss?
I worked on typing an exam for the end of the semester. I also typed up some items for my grad class. Class went by quickly. I like that our class has a distinct community feel to it. We have our routines and we all seem to get along. Jason and I walk back our cars (in the poorly-lit faraway lot), talking about our classrooms, and sometimes our mutual friends (Eve, namely).
I came home and still didn't want dinner. I know I need to eat something, but it feels way too late to eat. I have only a few papers to grade, but I feel like curling up and reading Dante's Inferno (again). It must be because my students are still reading The Odyssey. I prefer The Inferno. I think it tells a much more intellectual tale of one man's journey.
Anyway, I think I might go read for a while now. I am considering getting a bunch of Young Adult novels to read soon. I used to have a small collection when I taught in Florida, but I left most of those books there. I wish I would have at least brought Cut with me. I never got to read all of the books in my collection, but students asked for them, and I felt that the books would serve a greater purpose in their hands.
How can I still feel like today is a bad day? Nothing bad happened.
Well, I take that back. I wouldn't say something "bad" happened, but I missed my friend. I thought about him a lot today. I feel so far from where we were and who we were when we stopped speaking. I don't know what the deal is with me. I'm not feeling depressed about the situation; on the contrary, I am feeling that missing him is positive. We need to be going our separate directions at this point in our lives. There must just have been something in the air that made me think of him.
Am I mourning the loss of November? November was quite good, full of old and new memories and old and new friends. This fall has been a great one. I can't remember the last time I felt so connected to people and events. It has been a non-stop fun fest. Maybe I'm afraid December won't follow suit...December is a different beast entirely.
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