Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sunday Morning

I went out to dinner with Eric and Meg last night. The original plan was to hang out with Eric to let him vent some of his issues with his wife in a safe place, but Meg learned of the plan to hang out and decided to leave work early. She is not threatened by me or my friendship with her husband; in fact, she seems to encourage it at times. She is trying to make me their friend rather than his friend.

I don't have any major issue with this except that I sometimes find her downright annoying. As Jeremy told me earlier this week, though, I am down one annoying friend (because so many people have decided to move forward without me) and adding a new one doesn't harm me in the slightest. Meg really isn't all that annoying. She's just the type to reduce a waiter's tip because she wasn't satisfied with how food has been prepared as she demonstrated last night at the restaurant. After the problem was resolved, she continued to express her disappointment over it. I suppose that I have just never been that person. I have only sent one dish back in my entire life - a salad was covered generously with bacon when I had requested that they not put bacon on it. Being a vegetarian, I consider that okay. I didn't reduce the tip I left. I didn't dwell on it with the other people in my party. I just waited for my new salad and then ate it.

Eric and I have a shared educational past that is laden with literary concepts and deep conversations over philosophy. As he tried to tell stories, he can use short-hand with me, in a way, but Meg decided to berate him for talking about things that I don't understand. He had to point out to her, in the most polite way possible, that I did understand because we are not new friends. Plus, we hail from the same program at WMU and have, therefore, studied many of the same things. He was uncomfortable and embarrassed with this exchange between him and his wife, but she didn't bat an eye. I felt terrible for the both of them for very different reasons.

Eric drank a third beer, making him more relaxed than usual. Meg had a second drink - white wine - that she complained didn't go with her replacement meal very well after she sent back her first dish. I can certainly understand not being pleased with that, but her dish had a cream sauce which usually pairs nicely with white wine. I think she just wanted to complain about something else. She was upset that the restaurant charged her for her replacement dish and expressed that that might make her never want to return to the place. There is no such thing as a free lunch (or dinner, as it were).

When we reached their apartment again, I decided to head home. Well, that's only partly true. I wanted to hang out with someone. James had asked if I might want to go to a Plenty of Fish singles event in Waterford, as he was being dragged to one by his friend Kelly. I declined the offer. I was dressed for it, but I didn't want to go. I want to believe that I am not yet at the point of needing other people's help in finding someone. I called Anthony, but he still hadn't started his paper for class (this was his excuse earlier in the day for not being able to get together - a valid excuse IF he had actually spent any time working on it!). He was snippy with me, as if I was somehow hurting him by calling to ask if he wanted to get together. Hell, I would have helped him with the paper, but he didn't seem to want it. I know I am to blame for all of this (ridiculously small amount of) stress that he feels. I mean, I gave him choices as a birthday gift, and he selected this one. It's still my fault, though, right?

Anyway, I went to bed around 11 because there just wasn't anything to do. The sleep was good, heavy. I woke several times throughout the night and had to rearrange my blankets. Apparently, I must have kicked them off over and over again. Either that, or I have some sort of ghost messing with me. I'd almost welcome that, too.

I read secrets this morning and am looking forward to a day of grading, lesson plans, and cleaning.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sleepy

Taught all day.
Bowling outing for world language clubs.
Union meeting.


It was a long yet productive day. I just need to find my way to bed soon.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Dream House

So, today Eric called to talk about some of the issues in his life. Well, correction: Eric needed a ride to meet his wife before heading to Grand Rapids. I think I had forgotten how much we leaned on each other back in college, and it has been wonderful building that again. I had been a terrible friend to him for some time - distant, focused on the negative, etc. - and so I recognize that more easily in my friendships now. I picked him up and drove him. On the way, I caught sight of my dream house. It is exactly what I want, right down to the small pond in the back. Unfortunately, during a weekend of disappointments, I suffered another blow: the house is listed at $595,000. I knew it would probably be a little out of my price range, but I didn't expect it to be that high. Even if I could get the loan, I would need a minimum of four roommates (the house has five bedrooms) with each paying nearly $1,000. a month just to be able to make the house payment. Yes, I was considering any way to afford this beautiful, historic landmark home.

It's the one I want.

I wish I earned more per year. I think I should polish up some of my college writing and get writing again. I need to bring in a heck of a lot more to make this dream a reality.

Check out the house.

Not good enough

Why would you call me in the middle of the night when we haven't spoken for weeks, not even to inquire how I've been. You tell me to come over, and I tell you I'm hesitant. You tell me to, pretty much, get over it and come over. When I try to draw out some information as to what to expect if I start late-night drinking with you, you hang up on me. You're a jerk. Plain and simple. You don't care about me in the slightest and we've known each other forever. You are a selfish, rude man, and you just made me feel even worse than I already did today, but you don't care. You are not good enough for me.


I am having a really rough night, and I realized tonight just how little I mean to those around me. People claim they are friends, but not a single person called me or called me back today. I tend to make most of the effort. Not a single one of you truly cares about what's going or not going on in my life, except for maybe Maia, James, or Eric, and Maia and I don't get to talk much anymore. I know that friendships goes through phases, but the fact that all of you are pulling away from me at the same time when I've put no demands on you makes me feel awful.

Christmas 2010

My parents and sister always ask for a list around Thanksgiving, so I thought I'd start brainstorming here. It's really odd how practical I usually am, so it takes time to figure out what I need.

weed whipper (electric)
a large rake (like the ones my parents use...I can't seem to find them anywhere, and they are better than most I've seen)
a food processor
a wok
a firewood bag (with handles - this could be a hand-me-down if my parents find theirs in their basement)

Friday, November 12, 2010

Woman Seeking Man

I am seeking a Man - not a boy - not a man-child - not a momma's boy - a MAN.

MUST: be between the ages of 25 and 35, be hard-working, be independent, be gainfully employed, be healthy, be communicative, be able to envision/imagine, be able to build, be knowledgeable about household skills (basic plumbing, electrical, etc.), have a high school diploma, be diverse in interests, be friendly, be non-controlling, be witty, be capable of intellectual thought, have good personal hygiene, know how to clean a home properly, be able to kiss well or be trainable, be ethical, not be married or otherwise attached, an animal lover, be comfortable with diverse friends, be a good listener, be extremely patient...

WOULD PREFER: a non-smoker, a moderate (social) drinker, a musician-type, dark-haired, green-eyed (although hazel and brown are just as fancy...but this is just a preference), medium-to-broad shouldered build, college-educated, a good writer (meaning decent ability to share information as necessary), someone who has no children, someone who has sustained long-term relationships in the past, someone whose parents required a lot of them growing up...


If this man exists, please direct him to me.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

500

One baby step closer. This could be a go.

Monday, November 08, 2010

It's clear

I used to be so much more forward in my formative years. Why did that have to change? Did I just allow those skills to fall away as I believed I would never need them again?

I find this quite frustrating because I want to ask someone out. We dance around the topic daily, and he seems to be in the same predicament.

I want to shout that I like him. Several people already know, and they are colleagues. I didn't have to tell them; they see it.


How do I NOT alienate him if he's not feeling the same way about me? How can I battle through my fear of rejection? Can I really avoid it if I think he might be someone with whom I could find happiness?

I almost blurted it out today when we hung out for a while. It's getting closer and closer to the surface, and I don't know how to make it happen without the inevitable craziness. How do I do this subtly? How do I not make a fool of myself?


Deep down, I am not really afraid of the rejection of something more. I can handle seeking opportunities elsewhere. I am afraid of the rejection in the realm of friendship. We've been hovering there, and I don't want to lose that. I don't wish to alienate him. I want him to still feel comfortable talking to me.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Forward Momentum

Something is just working for me lately. I can't tell you what it is, but damn, I need to keep this up.

I need to ask my mother to cut my hair soon. I just wish it would grow faster so that I can chop off all the colored sections. I want my natural color again.

Today was definitely a wonderful day for me! I need more of these. That giddy, silly feeling. That love of anticipation. That energy surging through me. Something was definitely switched on today. More on that later.