Jeremy went to visit with his buddy Alex. It's nice to be home and not have anyone else around, except for the cats.
I really wish I had a house. I could be out in the garage using power tools and crafting something useful, like a bookshelf for Jeremy's books. I am tired of hearing that he's planning on buying a case. They are everywhere!!!
I should go to the basement and unpack more boxes while I have no distractions.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I almost peed myself!
After a series of kidney stone-related nonsense, I decided to hit Ann Arbor right square in the ass. Mike and I met for coffee, etc., which was nice. I drank vitamin water and we talked. We both went through stages of completing grading and talking. He is trying to distance himself from his ex-girlfriend Erica and I am always trying to understand myself and my life on some greater level.
Mike and I think so much alike that we often see where the other is going before we get there. I am thankful for a friend like this. (I also have Maureen who is capable of doing this, too!) We posed our little questions and discussed the elements of our lives that we haven't been witness to lately.
After shopping (yes, I am able to hold it together in stores for short periods of time) and going to another coffee shop, we went to Ashley's. I decided to trust my new doctor's assurance that I can have a drink or two while on my medication - there will be no deadly reaction (yippee!). I enjoyed a nice Weihenstephaner Hefeweizen. It was glorious. I had been craving a whiskey sour for weeks, but I didn't think that introducing hard liquor to my medication would be a good thing.
Mike and I examined our lives, as usual. We both tend to be very honest people, almost to a fault, so our discussions go quite deep (and direct). We are never brutal about what we think is going on with each other, but we do offer suggestions and more questions. With the stress in both our lives, as well as our ups and downs in relationships, our conversation seemed to see-saw from dark and blunt to funny and uplifting.
We didn't stay out too late - I blame myself. Had I had more work to do, Mike would have graded more essays and we probably would have stayed out longer. All's well that ends well, though, right? We left A2 by 11. As I was driving home, it became obvious that my kidneys and bladder wanted to reach our destination as quickly as possible. I managed to get home in time. I honestly don't think I could have made it another five minutes.
Those of you with kidney/bladder/urinary tract issues, you have my deepest sympathy. This is only temporary (this time, at least), and I am grateful that I will be normal again within a month or two.
Mike and I think so much alike that we often see where the other is going before we get there. I am thankful for a friend like this. (I also have Maureen who is capable of doing this, too!) We posed our little questions and discussed the elements of our lives that we haven't been witness to lately.
After shopping (yes, I am able to hold it together in stores for short periods of time) and going to another coffee shop, we went to Ashley's. I decided to trust my new doctor's assurance that I can have a drink or two while on my medication - there will be no deadly reaction (yippee!). I enjoyed a nice Weihenstephaner Hefeweizen. It was glorious. I had been craving a whiskey sour for weeks, but I didn't think that introducing hard liquor to my medication would be a good thing.
Mike and I examined our lives, as usual. We both tend to be very honest people, almost to a fault, so our discussions go quite deep (and direct). We are never brutal about what we think is going on with each other, but we do offer suggestions and more questions. With the stress in both our lives, as well as our ups and downs in relationships, our conversation seemed to see-saw from dark and blunt to funny and uplifting.
We didn't stay out too late - I blame myself. Had I had more work to do, Mike would have graded more essays and we probably would have stayed out longer. All's well that ends well, though, right? We left A2 by 11. As I was driving home, it became obvious that my kidneys and bladder wanted to reach our destination as quickly as possible. I managed to get home in time. I honestly don't think I could have made it another five minutes.
Those of you with kidney/bladder/urinary tract issues, you have my deepest sympathy. This is only temporary (this time, at least), and I am grateful that I will be normal again within a month or two.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
An update
I have stopped writing in a physical journal altogether. I write online every couple of days, and although I love the whole act of scribbling on paper, I find that not immediately logging every thought, feeling, and experience is helping me to live in the moment. Jeremy says I often dwell on things too much. I think that is the nature of being a woman - we are just wired that way. Mike tells me that I analyze things so much that it takes the life out of the moments (which is right, because he does the same thing - we are very much alike that way - I can't tell you how many times he's called me during his dates with women asking for advice or needed to have me mull over his issues with his girlfriends).
The issue is that I want to write in a journal again, but I find that writing at night just causes me to wake up and I become inspired to write poetry and fiction (playwriting has fallen by the wayside lately). I don't know how to wake up and write because I have to leave for work so early in the morning. Also, whenever I go online and blog here or on MySpace, I am distracted by surveys to kill to time and I find myself writing things based on some of the questions posed.
Overall, life is really good right now. Even though Jeremy and I are holding off on wedding plans, we are discussing our life together. We are weighing different options with housing and careers. I am finally starting to look at the big picture that so many people talk about. I've always been a bit nit-picky, and I will certainly continue to be that person on some level, but I realize that most things that irritate me are MY problem and need to be fixed from within.
I feel happy in my teaching, even though the school leaves a little something to be desired. I know that I am making a difference and my kids are wonderful! Word to the wise: if you want to teach a foreign language, go for German. Only the best of the best tend to take German. I rarely have disciplinary issues, and when I do, they are limited to students being frustrated with the content and not knowing how to deal with that frustration. It is rarely, if ever, directed at me, but they might say a cuss word here or there. It truly is a wonderful thing to teach these kids.
My health hasn't been the greatest these last few months. I was quite ill for about two months (and I neglected to visit a doctor for assistance), and then I was hit with a large kidney stone, which has yet to pass and will most likely result in a stint or surgery within the next two weeks. The universe is telling me that I need to spend more time focusing on my health. I often focus entirely on my relationships or my career. This time, it does need to be about me. I went to Lifetime Fitness today. I pushed myself a little too hard and nearly passed out while running on the treadmill. The people at Lifetime are so nice and they came to check on me immediately. I felt like I wasn't being nice enough to them while everything was turning fuzzy and then black. Perhaps I will send a thank you note to them tomorrow.
I worked on my garden again this weekend, which really makes me feel great. I can't wait to get a house with some property (or, at least, a decently-sized yard). I am considering participating in the flowerbed contest in my complex. I could get $100 - $300 off August's rent, if I were to win.
I am taking care of so many things right now regarding retirement finances, grad school (program change), end-of-the-school-year responsibilities, doctor appointments, and so on, but I don't feel stressed. My senior English class will be gone after Wednesday, which means I have more time to grade things for my German classes during the day (when I am not subbing for other teachers - we have a shortage of subs right now). I feel this weird sense of peace. I need to start finalizing my travel plans for the summer (we are going to try to get to Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Alaska, England, and some places closer to home, including Traverse City, Battle Creek/Kalamazoo, and the U.P.). The only way we can afford this is through Jeremy's flight benefits - we are not well-off, by any means! I am applying to the government for loan forgiveness because I am public school teacher - they have changed the criteria over the years, but I do teach a foreign language, and that should help my chances.
I've been working on a few songs of my own on the ukulele. The lyrics need work, but it's nothing I can't handle. Now, I just need to build the confidence to sing in front of others. I should call Mike's voice instructor in Milford.
The issue is that I want to write in a journal again, but I find that writing at night just causes me to wake up and I become inspired to write poetry and fiction (playwriting has fallen by the wayside lately). I don't know how to wake up and write because I have to leave for work so early in the morning. Also, whenever I go online and blog here or on MySpace, I am distracted by surveys to kill to time and I find myself writing things based on some of the questions posed.
Overall, life is really good right now. Even though Jeremy and I are holding off on wedding plans, we are discussing our life together. We are weighing different options with housing and careers. I am finally starting to look at the big picture that so many people talk about. I've always been a bit nit-picky, and I will certainly continue to be that person on some level, but I realize that most things that irritate me are MY problem and need to be fixed from within.
I feel happy in my teaching, even though the school leaves a little something to be desired. I know that I am making a difference and my kids are wonderful! Word to the wise: if you want to teach a foreign language, go for German. Only the best of the best tend to take German. I rarely have disciplinary issues, and when I do, they are limited to students being frustrated with the content and not knowing how to deal with that frustration. It is rarely, if ever, directed at me, but they might say a cuss word here or there. It truly is a wonderful thing to teach these kids.
My health hasn't been the greatest these last few months. I was quite ill for about two months (and I neglected to visit a doctor for assistance), and then I was hit with a large kidney stone, which has yet to pass and will most likely result in a stint or surgery within the next two weeks. The universe is telling me that I need to spend more time focusing on my health. I often focus entirely on my relationships or my career. This time, it does need to be about me. I went to Lifetime Fitness today. I pushed myself a little too hard and nearly passed out while running on the treadmill. The people at Lifetime are so nice and they came to check on me immediately. I felt like I wasn't being nice enough to them while everything was turning fuzzy and then black. Perhaps I will send a thank you note to them tomorrow.
I worked on my garden again this weekend, which really makes me feel great. I can't wait to get a house with some property (or, at least, a decently-sized yard). I am considering participating in the flowerbed contest in my complex. I could get $100 - $300 off August's rent, if I were to win.
I am taking care of so many things right now regarding retirement finances, grad school (program change), end-of-the-school-year responsibilities, doctor appointments, and so on, but I don't feel stressed. My senior English class will be gone after Wednesday, which means I have more time to grade things for my German classes during the day (when I am not subbing for other teachers - we have a shortage of subs right now). I feel this weird sense of peace. I need to start finalizing my travel plans for the summer (we are going to try to get to Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Alaska, England, and some places closer to home, including Traverse City, Battle Creek/Kalamazoo, and the U.P.). The only way we can afford this is through Jeremy's flight benefits - we are not well-off, by any means! I am applying to the government for loan forgiveness because I am public school teacher - they have changed the criteria over the years, but I do teach a foreign language, and that should help my chances.
I've been working on a few songs of my own on the ukulele. The lyrics need work, but it's nothing I can't handle. Now, I just need to build the confidence to sing in front of others. I should call Mike's voice instructor in Milford.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
too much thinking today
Jeremy being away at work leaves me with too much time to think. I did a great deal of cleaning, which is always a plus, but the over-analyzing is getting to me. I worry too much. I consider too much. I daydream too much.
Is it really possible to shut all of that out?
In an effort to focus on something else, I called a couple of friends today. Will is getting ready for a trip out west and Noah is up to the same old shenanigans in Battle Creek. It's funny that I would choose to contact these two, as they are the opposites. One is Mr. Stable and kind. The other is Mr. Wild Man/pseudo-asshole (but never to me).
Will told me about his garden and the overabundance of plants he has for the space. He doesn't want to throw away any of it, but there is just too much. That is just the kind of guy he is - he has too much of a good thing, and can't part with any of it (nor should he!).
Noah, once again, tried to convey that his life is moving in the right direction. It wasn't that convincing because he still cannot sustain a meaningful relationship with a woman while still hitting the bars and strip joints (hardcore) with his buddies. He hadn't quite figured out the connection. I attempted to explain the female perspective on his behavior. I also explained the long-term implications of dating a woman who is completely comfortable with and enjoys going to strip joints with him. I think he gets it now. He said I made sense. And he said he probably won't date those women anymore simply because they always leave him for a woman. (That's got to be crushing to the ego!)
Noah says he wants to find a nice woman who will help him settle down. When will people learn that if they want to change, they must do it - one cannot wait for another to nag the behavior away. Are people waiting for their mothers or something?
I had (and still have) many issues regarding relationships. In the past, I constantly pushed people away in a variety of ways. I sabotaged relationships. I found ways to "escape" what I thought was trapping me. Luckily, I found really decent guys to date over the years - that has not always been my desire. I used to wish for the type that would treat me in a way that validated all of the terrible things I felt about myself.
While I still haven't pieced together all of the details and situations that caused me to be like this, I recognized this was not how I wanted to navigate my life and I made the decision to not be like that anymore. It's not easy, by any means. And it doesn't mean that every step forward is firmly planted. I regress. It happens. Then I make another stride forward.
Is it really possible to shut all of that out?
In an effort to focus on something else, I called a couple of friends today. Will is getting ready for a trip out west and Noah is up to the same old shenanigans in Battle Creek. It's funny that I would choose to contact these two, as they are the opposites. One is Mr. Stable and kind. The other is Mr. Wild Man/pseudo-asshole (but never to me).
Will told me about his garden and the overabundance of plants he has for the space. He doesn't want to throw away any of it, but there is just too much. That is just the kind of guy he is - he has too much of a good thing, and can't part with any of it (nor should he!).
Noah, once again, tried to convey that his life is moving in the right direction. It wasn't that convincing because he still cannot sustain a meaningful relationship with a woman while still hitting the bars and strip joints (hardcore) with his buddies. He hadn't quite figured out the connection. I attempted to explain the female perspective on his behavior. I also explained the long-term implications of dating a woman who is completely comfortable with and enjoys going to strip joints with him. I think he gets it now. He said I made sense. And he said he probably won't date those women anymore simply because they always leave him for a woman. (That's got to be crushing to the ego!)
Noah says he wants to find a nice woman who will help him settle down. When will people learn that if they want to change, they must do it - one cannot wait for another to nag the behavior away. Are people waiting for their mothers or something?
I had (and still have) many issues regarding relationships. In the past, I constantly pushed people away in a variety of ways. I sabotaged relationships. I found ways to "escape" what I thought was trapping me. Luckily, I found really decent guys to date over the years - that has not always been my desire. I used to wish for the type that would treat me in a way that validated all of the terrible things I felt about myself.
While I still haven't pieced together all of the details and situations that caused me to be like this, I recognized this was not how I wanted to navigate my life and I made the decision to not be like that anymore. It's not easy, by any means. And it doesn't mean that every step forward is firmly planted. I regress. It happens. Then I make another stride forward.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
This Week, in Review
Saturday, April 26 - Visited the ER. Determined I have a kidney stone. Prescribed Vicodin. Slept and felt dizzy from medication.
Sunday, April 27 - Slept. Felt dizzy from medication. Graded student work. Entered grades.
Monday, April 28 - Went to work. Came home after feeling so dizzy from my medication that I nearly vomited in my classroom. Spent the rest of the day sleeping and vomiting.
Tuesday, April 29th - Slept most of the day. Did not feel terrible. Was able to handle the Vicodin.
Wednesday, April 30 - returned to work. Scolded students for terrible behavior in my absence.
Thursday, May 1 - School day went well. Evening - started vomiting and could not stop.
Friday, May 2 - 1:30 AM. Determined I needed to go to the ER again. Pain. Vomiting. Got an ultrasound. Left ER at 5:30 AM. Slept. Did not attend my professional development day.
Saturday, May 3 - Woke several times with pain. Took Vicodin. Went back to sleep. Woke again and worked on garden.
Sunday, April 27 - Slept. Felt dizzy from medication. Graded student work. Entered grades.
Monday, April 28 - Went to work. Came home after feeling so dizzy from my medication that I nearly vomited in my classroom. Spent the rest of the day sleeping and vomiting.
Tuesday, April 29th - Slept most of the day. Did not feel terrible. Was able to handle the Vicodin.
Wednesday, April 30 - returned to work. Scolded students for terrible behavior in my absence.
Thursday, May 1 - School day went well. Evening - started vomiting and could not stop.
Friday, May 2 - 1:30 AM. Determined I needed to go to the ER again. Pain. Vomiting. Got an ultrasound. Left ER at 5:30 AM. Slept. Did not attend my professional development day.
Saturday, May 3 - Woke several times with pain. Took Vicodin. Went back to sleep. Woke again and worked on garden.
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