I am home again from a late night of drinking. I didn't think I would return so late, but one must be open to that sort of thing when drinking.
It was a good night. I got giggly drunk fairly quickly. I continued drinking, but I managed to sober up around 2:30. I sat by my drinking partner's side while he left a memento of his experience in the flower box outside some shop. When I sobered up, I tried to convince him to let me drive him home. That was a no-go. I'm not quite sure why. Eventually, after some drunk calls to his buddy, he seemed to sober up. I followed him home and toured his new house.
I still find it incredible that people our age are settling into houses and neighborhoods. I know this is about that age, but I don't have a house - I assume everyone has my goals, my dreams, my expectations. I am nowhere near where I want to be when I "settle down".
...
It's 5:30...Dawson's Creek is on. I can't believe I am sitting around waiting for the sun to come up. I can't sleep...I am nowhere near needing sleep. I slept last night. I think I will clean the kitchen and fold the rest of my laundry. The thing is...I should probably pour myself a few glasses of wine, just to get this all moving along. I am a really dedicated housekeeper when intoxicated.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
visitors
I think two of my teenage cousins will be visiting this weekend. I should probably step up my efforts to clean up the pigsty that used to be my living room!
Now, I just need a new place for my teaching materials.
Now, I just need a new place for my teaching materials.
what we don't say
I felt brave enough to post something here a few minutes ago, but I decided to simply erase it. I haven't erased it from my mind, so I am certain you will all read it at some point. But, that time will be much, much later.
Why do we leave things unsaid? Am I alone in this? What am I so afraid of? What are some of the things you all wish you hadn't left unsaid?
Why do we leave things unsaid? Am I alone in this? What am I so afraid of? What are some of the things you all wish you hadn't left unsaid?
Monday, July 23, 2007
indoors
I thought I would get out and jog today, but I really wasn't up to it. I wasn't up for anything today, despite my cheery disposition and feeling healthy. I did open a few boxes that I had stored in my basement some time ago - I was surprised to find that there was yet another box of my writing. I thought I had compiled it all into two bins. Apparently, I have some other writings floating around here.
I organized a variety of teaching materials for my next curriculum planning session with Jesse. There really are teachers out there who inspire you to be a better teacher. He does this for me, and he says I do this for him. I think this year is going to be wonderful. I just have to find my inflatable palm tree to give to him. He is helping me with getting German stuff, and I am helping with his Bob Marley inspired design. I have so much stuff from teaching at the middle school that will be perfect for his room, which will be right next to mine!!! I've decided how I will set mine up, for the most part. I received my posters, flags, and other items from several companies. The next step is getting my cuckoo clock repaired so that I have an authentic German cuckoo clock in my room. I also want to unleash some of my creativity and create the "Rathskeller" feel with posts and sloping ceiling (there are several ways to accomplish this - I just have to see what I can afford, what is allowed, and how much time it will all take. I want my students to feel that they are in a very unique place that ties them to Germany. The hard part will be incorporating the English/Literature stuff, even though I've done that many times before. I don't have a lot of bookshelves or anything, but I do have some alternatives that will make the place very different from some of the other rooms in the school. I need to digitize my plan and post it at some point soon. Or, better yet, I will just do it, and then post photographs. I can win awards for stuff like that through several German teacher organizations. I want the money! I want to express myself artistically. I want to make my students feel like they are part of the culture.
Other thoughts...I think I will try to get to Munich for Oktoberfest. I am not a huge fan of crowds, but I think the beer will help. Plus, how could my school be upset with me if I took my two personal days for an authentic German experience? I would not promote drinking to my students or anything. Most of my students see me as a straight-laced homebody who does not have a life. If they only knew! There are a handful that I've kept in touch with who now see me as a friend, I suppose. I think in a year or so, when they turn 21, I may meet them at a bar/brewery in the Kalamazoo area. That would be a riot!
I am busy turning many of my work papers into Word files...and either PDF or JPEG files. I just don't want the clutter, and as long as I back them up in several places, I should be fine. I am still working on my stories, but I always create a hard copy of that stuff. Most teaching stuff can be duplicated or adapted from other teachers' stuff.
I organized a variety of teaching materials for my next curriculum planning session with Jesse. There really are teachers out there who inspire you to be a better teacher. He does this for me, and he says I do this for him. I think this year is going to be wonderful. I just have to find my inflatable palm tree to give to him. He is helping me with getting German stuff, and I am helping with his Bob Marley inspired design. I have so much stuff from teaching at the middle school that will be perfect for his room, which will be right next to mine!!! I've decided how I will set mine up, for the most part. I received my posters, flags, and other items from several companies. The next step is getting my cuckoo clock repaired so that I have an authentic German cuckoo clock in my room. I also want to unleash some of my creativity and create the "Rathskeller" feel with posts and sloping ceiling (there are several ways to accomplish this - I just have to see what I can afford, what is allowed, and how much time it will all take. I want my students to feel that they are in a very unique place that ties them to Germany. The hard part will be incorporating the English/Literature stuff, even though I've done that many times before. I don't have a lot of bookshelves or anything, but I do have some alternatives that will make the place very different from some of the other rooms in the school. I need to digitize my plan and post it at some point soon. Or, better yet, I will just do it, and then post photographs. I can win awards for stuff like that through several German teacher organizations. I want the money! I want to express myself artistically. I want to make my students feel like they are part of the culture.
Other thoughts...I think I will try to get to Munich for Oktoberfest. I am not a huge fan of crowds, but I think the beer will help. Plus, how could my school be upset with me if I took my two personal days for an authentic German experience? I would not promote drinking to my students or anything. Most of my students see me as a straight-laced homebody who does not have a life. If they only knew! There are a handful that I've kept in touch with who now see me as a friend, I suppose. I think in a year or so, when they turn 21, I may meet them at a bar/brewery in the Kalamazoo area. That would be a riot!
I am busy turning many of my work papers into Word files...and either PDF or JPEG files. I just don't want the clutter, and as long as I back them up in several places, I should be fine. I am still working on my stories, but I always create a hard copy of that stuff. Most teaching stuff can be duplicated or adapted from other teachers' stuff.
weekend update
Last night, Mike A. took me out to dinner in Ann Arbor. I am truly impressed with Cottage Inn Pizza. After dining, we walked around Ann Arbor. I took pictures of some of my favorite places. I just hope I find the USB cord so that I can upload my photos to MySpace (I realize I haven't been able to post any of my pictures from the past several months). After we walked a bit, we went to the Heidelberg for beer. It was a nice to end to a really nice weekend.
I hope to hear from Mike V. about hanging out on Tuesday. Summer is starting to narrow to the end, which will help keep me sane, I think. I just don't know what to do with myself when I have this much freedom from responsibility.
I have a concert on Wednesday, and then Jeremy will come home for a couple of days, only to leave again for a few days. Then, he will probably have about two weeks off, during which we will travel around and visit, view, research, and reserve a reception hall for our wedding next year.
I hope to hear from Mike V. about hanging out on Tuesday. Summer is starting to narrow to the end, which will help keep me sane, I think. I just don't know what to do with myself when I have this much freedom from responsibility.
I have a concert on Wednesday, and then Jeremy will come home for a couple of days, only to leave again for a few days. Then, he will probably have about two weeks off, during which we will travel around and visit, view, research, and reserve a reception hall for our wedding next year.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Discoveries and Ass Holes
I found Ass Hole's MySpace page. I had started looking through the links for high schools, as I've been trying to find my friend Donald. I couldn't remember which high school he went to in that particular city, so I started looking through all of them. Needless to say, I became a bit distracted when I happened to see Ass Hole's profile listing. I was actually in the middle of a really nice dialogue with someone in another window on MySpace, which I allowed to taper off.
The discovery changed my mood. I immediately felt that sinking feeling I used to feel sometimes - maybe you've felt something like it. It's like when you see something that startles you and your chest tightens and then you can't breathe in enough oxygen. I used to hyperventilate (Becky was always great during these episodes), but that did get better over time. The sensation moves low in one's belly and makes a little kick toward the spine. Then you feel that uneasiness that comes with moments like car accidents or injuries. For me, it usually is paired up with the a feeling of panic - the escapist searching for that 'flight' possibility.
I did look at his page - morbid curiosity got the best of me - and he now lives in a different state. I've been getting quite comfortable back in the Detroit area, but there was always a part of me that worried a little that I might run into him at some bar or another. Now I can rest assured that the probability of that is rather small.
While I emerged from that situation years ago unscathed - MOSTLY anyway - it still hits me from time to time that danger can lurk behind the facade of friendship. And although I could harbor anger and hatred toward this person, I don't. I can't go to that point and be thrilled that he is married and seems to have a good life, but I honestly don't want to spend my life wishing some other person ill will. I don't know if I've completely forgiven him in my mind - it's all just a bit too hazy, and I choose NOT to part the clouds and examine the issue. That is just how I am wired, but I can move forward with the wonderful things in my life. If I see him somewhere, I can simply tell him to 'walk away' as I had done when we had a class in common my senior year of college.
The situation did yield some interesting lessons. I learned about drunk frat boys/men and my own abilities when backed into a corner. Even when someone shows you evil or violence or whatever, one should at least find solace in the notion that they have witnessed it and can take care of him or herself appropriately. I am pretty sure he learned a thing or two, as well. At least I hope he did.
I wonder if his wife knows his secrets. I know of three women (myself included) who know who and what this man truly is/was...and what he thought he could try to get away with in college. Ass Hole + Massive quantities of alcohol + one caring designated driver/friend = disaster for the DD.
1. Never allow yourself to fall asleep if you are looking after someone who has been drinking.
2. Never watch someone alone - if the other people want to leave, make those people look after said person or come up with a new plan.
3. Take a self-defense course - you'll be glad you did. I am.
4. If something does happen - call the police immediately. Don't try to reason with the person after the fact - they won't remember it clearly anyway, and it will turn into 'He said/she said' scenario.
Even though the sinking feeling has dissipated, I don't think I will look for Donald tonight. I've had my fill of discoveries for the night.
The discovery changed my mood. I immediately felt that sinking feeling I used to feel sometimes - maybe you've felt something like it. It's like when you see something that startles you and your chest tightens and then you can't breathe in enough oxygen. I used to hyperventilate (Becky was always great during these episodes), but that did get better over time. The sensation moves low in one's belly and makes a little kick toward the spine. Then you feel that uneasiness that comes with moments like car accidents or injuries. For me, it usually is paired up with the a feeling of panic - the escapist searching for that 'flight' possibility.
I did look at his page - morbid curiosity got the best of me - and he now lives in a different state. I've been getting quite comfortable back in the Detroit area, but there was always a part of me that worried a little that I might run into him at some bar or another. Now I can rest assured that the probability of that is rather small.
While I emerged from that situation years ago unscathed - MOSTLY anyway - it still hits me from time to time that danger can lurk behind the facade of friendship. And although I could harbor anger and hatred toward this person, I don't. I can't go to that point and be thrilled that he is married and seems to have a good life, but I honestly don't want to spend my life wishing some other person ill will. I don't know if I've completely forgiven him in my mind - it's all just a bit too hazy, and I choose NOT to part the clouds and examine the issue. That is just how I am wired, but I can move forward with the wonderful things in my life. If I see him somewhere, I can simply tell him to 'walk away' as I had done when we had a class in common my senior year of college.
The situation did yield some interesting lessons. I learned about drunk frat boys/men and my own abilities when backed into a corner. Even when someone shows you evil or violence or whatever, one should at least find solace in the notion that they have witnessed it and can take care of him or herself appropriately. I am pretty sure he learned a thing or two, as well. At least I hope he did.
I wonder if his wife knows his secrets. I know of three women (myself included) who know who and what this man truly is/was...and what he thought he could try to get away with in college. Ass Hole + Massive quantities of alcohol + one caring designated driver/friend = disaster for the DD.
1. Never allow yourself to fall asleep if you are looking after someone who has been drinking.
2. Never watch someone alone - if the other people want to leave, make those people look after said person or come up with a new plan.
3. Take a self-defense course - you'll be glad you did. I am.
4. If something does happen - call the police immediately. Don't try to reason with the person after the fact - they won't remember it clearly anyway, and it will turn into 'He said/she said' scenario.
Even though the sinking feeling has dissipated, I don't think I will look for Donald tonight. I've had my fill of discoveries for the night.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
"...A pretty nice little Saturday..."
I had lunch with Joe today, which was lovely. It was nice to catch up and learn what we missed as the years rolled by. I considered making this a Frank the Tank sort of day with promises of a trip to Home Depot and Bed, Bath, & Beyond (if I had enough time), but I just don't know about that right now. I do need to get nails, hooks, and screws to hang several pictures in my townhouse, and I want to go look for a kitchen scale at BB&B.
Instead, I stopped to see my aunt and uncle in Canton. My uncles, dad, and cousin were busy reassembling the garage (they moved it further back and off to one side a bit to accommodate the new camper and vehicles). I visited with them for a while and found myself feeling comfortable yet distanced from these people.
I can still go to the store. I have basically missed the art fair - I was more interested in walking around Ann Arbor, which I can do tonight with friends or this coming week. I also want to do some photography, both digital AND film. I am feeling that artistic spark again. Is anyone interested in exploring with me? I would love the company, plus I could practice portraits (of course with an artsy slant).
At the moment, I've returned home to check email and waste time filling out surveys. I am waiting to hear back from several people. If you'd like to do something tonight, please call or email me.
Instead, I stopped to see my aunt and uncle in Canton. My uncles, dad, and cousin were busy reassembling the garage (they moved it further back and off to one side a bit to accommodate the new camper and vehicles). I visited with them for a while and found myself feeling comfortable yet distanced from these people.
I can still go to the store. I have basically missed the art fair - I was more interested in walking around Ann Arbor, which I can do tonight with friends or this coming week. I also want to do some photography, both digital AND film. I am feeling that artistic spark again. Is anyone interested in exploring with me? I would love the company, plus I could practice portraits (of course with an artsy slant).
At the moment, I've returned home to check email and waste time filling out surveys. I am waiting to hear back from several people. If you'd like to do something tonight, please call or email me.
Saturday morning thoughts
Thought #1
I have been oversleeping this week. This is completely out of the norm for me, as I usually don't sleep much. I went to Ann Arbor last night with Reenee and her boyfriend. We had a great time. I just want to go back today. The trouble is finding someone who will go with me - I really don't want to go alone. The crowd didn't bother me, which is nice. I tend to shy away from events like this because I can't handle being around so many people.I am still waiting to hear back from someone to see if he'd like to join me today.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #2
Even though he is an older man, Harvey Keitel is quite sexy. I had never noticed before.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #3
Yoga is doing wonders for my overactive mind. I can't remember a time when I felt this peaceful about everything.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #4
I want to take up knitting. I love repetitious hobbies, and some of my favorite scarves and sweaters were knitted by family and friends just for me. How nifty would I be if I could return the favor?
-----------------------------------------
Thought #5
One of my pieces, a (long) short story needs a bit more work. I need to form a writing group here so that I don't embarrass myself by sending it out to an agent when it still needs something. Any interested folks out there?
-----------------------------------------
Thought #6
I can't wait to decorate my classroom. I miss the regulated life of teaching. I miss taking classes (which I am certain will stress me out this fall). I will be teaching full time, taking a full-time load of graduate classes, helping with German Club and other activities(including tutoring), and probably finding a part-time job. When I am this busy, I am the best student - I made the undergrad Dean's list like this, and I've been a 4.0 graduate student at both WMU and BSU with this same sort of schedule. Now it's time to take that same intensity to my official (current) grad program.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #7
I miss Jeremy. I hate that he has to be away for so long this summer. On the other hand, when he is away, I drop weight like there's no tomorrow. I eat healthier, I exercise more, I find ways to fill my time with friends (you're all sick of me, I'm sure!).
-----------------------------------------
Thought #8
Maybe I will have my wedding and reception in Charlevoix - at Castle Farms. I don't think I need a castle, but hey, it's an option.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #9
I need to hang my pictures. Perhaps I will do that tomorrow. I can invite my parents over for lunch, and then they will help me line everything up properly. I do spend a lot of time with my family. It's hard to believe that I ever felt that I needed to 'escape'. Maybe it's a good thing I went away to college when I did. I don't think I would be as close to them as I am now if I had not done that.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #10
I may buy that slip cover for my couch today. This place needs something...it's a bit drab, and I am NOT a drab girl. I will then paint my end tables and the TV table black.
-----------------------------------------
I think I will limit myself to these ten, for the moment. There are so many more, but I could end up sitting at the computer the rest of the day. I'd rather go walking around Ann Arbor.
I have been oversleeping this week. This is completely out of the norm for me, as I usually don't sleep much. I went to Ann Arbor last night with Reenee and her boyfriend. We had a great time. I just want to go back today. The trouble is finding someone who will go with me - I really don't want to go alone. The crowd didn't bother me, which is nice. I tend to shy away from events like this because I can't handle being around so many people.I am still waiting to hear back from someone to see if he'd like to join me today.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #2
Even though he is an older man, Harvey Keitel is quite sexy. I had never noticed before.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #3
Yoga is doing wonders for my overactive mind. I can't remember a time when I felt this peaceful about everything.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #4
I want to take up knitting. I love repetitious hobbies, and some of my favorite scarves and sweaters were knitted by family and friends just for me. How nifty would I be if I could return the favor?
-----------------------------------------
Thought #5
One of my pieces, a (long) short story needs a bit more work. I need to form a writing group here so that I don't embarrass myself by sending it out to an agent when it still needs something. Any interested folks out there?
-----------------------------------------
Thought #6
I can't wait to decorate my classroom. I miss the regulated life of teaching. I miss taking classes (which I am certain will stress me out this fall). I will be teaching full time, taking a full-time load of graduate classes, helping with German Club and other activities(including tutoring), and probably finding a part-time job. When I am this busy, I am the best student - I made the undergrad Dean's list like this, and I've been a 4.0 graduate student at both WMU and BSU with this same sort of schedule. Now it's time to take that same intensity to my official (current) grad program.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #7
I miss Jeremy. I hate that he has to be away for so long this summer. On the other hand, when he is away, I drop weight like there's no tomorrow. I eat healthier, I exercise more, I find ways to fill my time with friends (you're all sick of me, I'm sure!).
-----------------------------------------
Thought #8
Maybe I will have my wedding and reception in Charlevoix - at Castle Farms. I don't think I need a castle, but hey, it's an option.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #9
I need to hang my pictures. Perhaps I will do that tomorrow. I can invite my parents over for lunch, and then they will help me line everything up properly. I do spend a lot of time with my family. It's hard to believe that I ever felt that I needed to 'escape'. Maybe it's a good thing I went away to college when I did. I don't think I would be as close to them as I am now if I had not done that.
-----------------------------------------
Thought #10
I may buy that slip cover for my couch today. This place needs something...it's a bit drab, and I am NOT a drab girl. I will then paint my end tables and the TV table black.
-----------------------------------------
I think I will limit myself to these ten, for the moment. There are so many more, but I could end up sitting at the computer the rest of the day. I'd rather go walking around Ann Arbor.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Has it really been this long?
I just looked at the date of my last post. OMG! Has it really been that long?
I haven't been up to much, but I am anticipating some good times are about to roll again. Mike A. visited on Tuesday...I did well at my concert on Wednesday, although it was nothing special. Then I went to BW3 with Mike A. and Mike V. MV and I hit a couple of bars in Plymouth afterward. I was drunk, AS USUAL. It's strange to feel that pull toward intoxication being your "normal" frame of mind when out with certain friends (thank you, MV, for remaining sober and driving!!!). I was able to put that in check when I lived in Florida, but here, I am embracing the freedom that summer vacation brings.
I had to drop Jeremy off at the airport Wednesday afternoon, which was a little depressing, but I understand that this is how the industry works.
This weekend is Teresa's birthday; I just need to figure out which day she asked about taking a canoe down a river. (Isn't that a unique way to spend your birthday?) I have been asked to join someone for lunch, and I need to make sure I wouldn't be double-booking the day. Plus, my mother has been a bit focused on "bringing the family closer" since we've had a few deaths in the family recently, most notably and most recently my Uncle Bill. So, I have to almost clear my plans with her before committing to others. How weird parents can be...
Anyway, back to my previous thought, September and October don't really offer the same opportunities, although a hay ride or something might be a different change of pace (hint-hint, Jeremy). My birthday these last five years have been downright depressing. One year, I helped Jeremy move. Another year, no one called me until after 10 PM to wish me a "great day" (I had already had a bottle of wine alone and had decided to go to bed early). Last year, my mother bought my sister's favorite cake and then bought a gift that was too small (and, when pointed out, she said, "Oh, I didn't think you were that fat that you would need a bigger size!"). I think I could go for a nice middle-of-the-road mediocre birthday, at least. One with a cake (that I actually might eat) and gifts that suit me.
I haven't been up to much, but I am anticipating some good times are about to roll again. Mike A. visited on Tuesday...I did well at my concert on Wednesday, although it was nothing special. Then I went to BW3 with Mike A. and Mike V. MV and I hit a couple of bars in Plymouth afterward. I was drunk, AS USUAL. It's strange to feel that pull toward intoxication being your "normal" frame of mind when out with certain friends (thank you, MV, for remaining sober and driving!!!). I was able to put that in check when I lived in Florida, but here, I am embracing the freedom that summer vacation brings.
I had to drop Jeremy off at the airport Wednesday afternoon, which was a little depressing, but I understand that this is how the industry works.
This weekend is Teresa's birthday; I just need to figure out which day she asked about taking a canoe down a river. (Isn't that a unique way to spend your birthday?) I have been asked to join someone for lunch, and I need to make sure I wouldn't be double-booking the day. Plus, my mother has been a bit focused on "bringing the family closer" since we've had a few deaths in the family recently, most notably and most recently my Uncle Bill. So, I have to almost clear my plans with her before committing to others. How weird parents can be...
Anyway, back to my previous thought, September and October don't really offer the same opportunities, although a hay ride or something might be a different change of pace (hint-hint, Jeremy). My birthday these last five years have been downright depressing. One year, I helped Jeremy move. Another year, no one called me until after 10 PM to wish me a "great day" (I had already had a bottle of wine alone and had decided to go to bed early). Last year, my mother bought my sister's favorite cake and then bought a gift that was too small (and, when pointed out, she said, "Oh, I didn't think you were that fat that you would need a bigger size!"). I think I could go for a nice middle-of-the-road mediocre birthday, at least. One with a cake (that I actually might eat) and gifts that suit me.
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