I didn't get the English position I interviewed for. I feel very down after learning this because the interview itself was one of if not the best interview I've had in my entire career.
The fact that the interview team discussed me as I left (I was still within earshot) and said really fantastic things about me made me feel very confident that this was a real possibility.
I am still waiting to hear about the part-time German position I interviewed for yesterday. The district is a great one, but I'd be adding the stress of finding and working at another place of employment to put food on the table. I would be okay with this if I knew something would become available down the line.
I am still dealing with the sprained foot. It doesn't seem to want to finish healing. I have some pain in the arch, which is making walking difficult.
I am almost done with my graduate project and an online class to gain a teaching endorsement.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Milwaukee-Inspired
The wedding I was in on Saturday was amazing! The preparations were something I did not look forward to, but the day was absolutely wonderful, from start to finish...and beyond.
I met someone - we'll call him Milwaukee because that is where he currently lives - at the rehearsal who inspired me. As one of the groomsman, he was everything to the groom he was supposed to be. To the bridesmaids, he was more. He pulled out our chairs for us and helped me up from my seat so that I wouldn't injure my sprained ankle and further. He danced with me, even though he knew he could not spin me, and we we had a good time.
He and I sat in the limo, talking about Europe, education, the job opportunities we both have at our fingertips, etc. He is absolutely charming, easy to talk to, and his good looks are a bonus.
Milwaukee kept pouring the wine, and we talked about the journeys we've been on. He grew up moving around a lot - not just around the U.S., but the world. When he brought up the international schools he attended, I felt this inspiration I've felt in the past. Having never attended one, I am really curious how they operate. I seriously considered a move to Europe some time ago (I even started the paperwork), but my gave up after my ex-fiance didn't see much opportunity for him to continue in his profession there. I stopped researching the schools that I would be applying to and gave up on this desire.
Saturday, though, gave me the chance to speak to a worldly man who (although a few yeas younger) has seen and done so much more all over the world. His profession sends him everywhere, and he seems to love the cultural variety of his different destinations. He knew some German, having lived in Switzerland for some time while he was young, and I was able to use that German tongue that is not exercised enough to retain what it used to know.
After the wedding and reception, a large group of us met at a local bar. I continued talking to Milwaukee about living abroad. I am infinitely curious about this experience as I have not had the opportunity to do so.
I don't know if this might be someone who becomes a friend over the years of gathering with the bride and groom, but he inspired me more than most people around me the past year. I am going to see what the world has to offer, and I am not going to waste another minute putting off what I put off for other people over the years.
Thank you, Milwaukee. I needed the reminder to get out there and live.
Oh, and I just learned from my mother that Milwaukee may be someone I knew as a very young child. How weird would that be!?!
I met someone - we'll call him Milwaukee because that is where he currently lives - at the rehearsal who inspired me. As one of the groomsman, he was everything to the groom he was supposed to be. To the bridesmaids, he was more. He pulled out our chairs for us and helped me up from my seat so that I wouldn't injure my sprained ankle and further. He danced with me, even though he knew he could not spin me, and we we had a good time.
He and I sat in the limo, talking about Europe, education, the job opportunities we both have at our fingertips, etc. He is absolutely charming, easy to talk to, and his good looks are a bonus.
Milwaukee kept pouring the wine, and we talked about the journeys we've been on. He grew up moving around a lot - not just around the U.S., but the world. When he brought up the international schools he attended, I felt this inspiration I've felt in the past. Having never attended one, I am really curious how they operate. I seriously considered a move to Europe some time ago (I even started the paperwork), but my gave up after my ex-fiance didn't see much opportunity for him to continue in his profession there. I stopped researching the schools that I would be applying to and gave up on this desire.
Saturday, though, gave me the chance to speak to a worldly man who (although a few yeas younger) has seen and done so much more all over the world. His profession sends him everywhere, and he seems to love the cultural variety of his different destinations. He knew some German, having lived in Switzerland for some time while he was young, and I was able to use that German tongue that is not exercised enough to retain what it used to know.
After the wedding and reception, a large group of us met at a local bar. I continued talking to Milwaukee about living abroad. I am infinitely curious about this experience as I have not had the opportunity to do so.
I don't know if this might be someone who becomes a friend over the years of gathering with the bride and groom, but he inspired me more than most people around me the past year. I am going to see what the world has to offer, and I am not going to waste another minute putting off what I put off for other people over the years.
Thank you, Milwaukee. I needed the reminder to get out there and live.
Oh, and I just learned from my mother that Milwaukee may be someone I knew as a very young child. How weird would that be!?!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
You're Not Ready!
Speaking with counselors didn't help. All I needed was someone who would listen to the entire conversation and point out the obvious to me without an opinion that somehow was tied to her own preferences for my life.
The last several weeks have presented some new opportunities and some new challenges. I was psyched about some of these things, even though I didn't know what I was supposed to learn.
Without divulging how I learned or what I learned, I can still say that what I want and where I'm headed are guided by what I really want. I haven't lost sight of that.
I had thought that yet another friend was passing sort of cruel judgment on my status by saying, "You're not ready!" I was immediately offended. I argued against this, even though I didn't know exactly what I was fighting for or why I was fighting it.
I shared this conversation and a few others with one of the most incredible friends I have ever had. She didn't try to tell me what to think. Instead, she let me share and asked me questions that made me really think about my home, my life, my needs, etc. She helped me to connect the dots that I hadn't realized were much closer than they originally appeared.
Tonight I learned that I am not ready, just as someone else had said to me. This awareness is now reflected in me, and I can honestly say that I feel much better about it. I have an idea where I am headed, as all roads must lead somewhere, and it is possible to leave this entire situation behind and find something much more meaningful and positive.
Thank you ... for commentary (even though I didn't understand at the time and felt hurt at the time you shared it)...and thank you ... for listening, for helping with the analysis, for being supportive, and for just being the awesome person you are!
The last several weeks have presented some new opportunities and some new challenges. I was psyched about some of these things, even though I didn't know what I was supposed to learn.
Without divulging how I learned or what I learned, I can still say that what I want and where I'm headed are guided by what I really want. I haven't lost sight of that.
I had thought that yet another friend was passing sort of cruel judgment on my status by saying, "You're not ready!" I was immediately offended. I argued against this, even though I didn't know exactly what I was fighting for or why I was fighting it.
I shared this conversation and a few others with one of the most incredible friends I have ever had. She didn't try to tell me what to think. Instead, she let me share and asked me questions that made me really think about my home, my life, my needs, etc. She helped me to connect the dots that I hadn't realized were much closer than they originally appeared.
Tonight I learned that I am not ready, just as someone else had said to me. This awareness is now reflected in me, and I can honestly say that I feel much better about it. I have an idea where I am headed, as all roads must lead somewhere, and it is possible to leave this entire situation behind and find something much more meaningful and positive.
Thank you ... for commentary (even though I didn't understand at the time and felt hurt at the time you shared it)...and thank you ... for listening, for helping with the analysis, for being supportive, and for just being the awesome person you are!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
My Name is NOT Grace for a Reason!
Today started like most days. I heard my alarm sound, and I flailed my arms and legs to wake up and reach over to turn it off. I couldn't reach it. I had plugged my phone into the wall, so I needed to stand.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and hopped up. Unfortunately, something wasn't quite working right. I had absolutely no control over the muscles in my legs. I could feel my left leg straining to hold me up, but my right leg seemed without solid structure. It flopped sideways and I fell hard upon it.
I heard a popping sounds, similar to the sound of knuckles cracking. I felt a numbness for a brief moment and then lots of tingling in my right shin and foot.
I pull myself up to a seated position against the bed, slowly moving my legs up and down to gain control of them again. As I tried wiggling toes and bending and flexing my feet, I began to register this intense pain in my right arch and around the bones on the inner side of the foot. It was somewhat like a muscle cramp but much more intense. I could still move my foot, but the range of motion was limited due to some immediate swelling.
I pulled myself back onto the bed and lay very still, hoping that whatever was off would re-align itself. Eventually, the throbbing subsided a little, and I decided to try to walk. That was probably not the best thing for me. I was unable to stand again - not because I didn't have the strength I lacked before - because I experienced pain so severe that I was howling and crying out as I toppled over a second time.
I knew in that instant that I should visit the ER, but I didn't want to admit defeat. I crawled into the tub and took a rather clumsy shower and got ready for the day...at least as well as one can without the ability to put clothes on the standard way. I avoided going downstairs for a while because I didn't know how I was going to climb down without causing more pain.
I eventually settled on scooting down the stairs, one at a time. I couldn't crawl because pointed my toes was painful. I eventually got downstairs and tried to pull myself together.
I gave in and called my dad to bring over my mom's crutches. While I waiting for him, I sideways crawled about my place, gathering things I needed like my purse, shoes, and ice from the freezer (which was not easy to retrieve). I elevated my leg on the couch and chatted with friends online in hopes that their lives would be able to distract me from the pain.
My dad arrived, and we headed to the hospital. I was treated quickly after being routed to the non-surgical emergency pediatrics area (PEDIATRICS! ME! 29!). I had X-rays done, as well as an exam from a very attractive young doctor (who was wearing a wedding ring - darn). After only a couple of hours, I was on my way with the same diagnosis and treatment I had figured out on my own.
I'm in pain, but I will take it easy. I need this to heal as quickly as possible.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and hopped up. Unfortunately, something wasn't quite working right. I had absolutely no control over the muscles in my legs. I could feel my left leg straining to hold me up, but my right leg seemed without solid structure. It flopped sideways and I fell hard upon it.
I heard a popping sounds, similar to the sound of knuckles cracking. I felt a numbness for a brief moment and then lots of tingling in my right shin and foot.
I pull myself up to a seated position against the bed, slowly moving my legs up and down to gain control of them again. As I tried wiggling toes and bending and flexing my feet, I began to register this intense pain in my right arch and around the bones on the inner side of the foot. It was somewhat like a muscle cramp but much more intense. I could still move my foot, but the range of motion was limited due to some immediate swelling.
I pulled myself back onto the bed and lay very still, hoping that whatever was off would re-align itself. Eventually, the throbbing subsided a little, and I decided to try to walk. That was probably not the best thing for me. I was unable to stand again - not because I didn't have the strength I lacked before - because I experienced pain so severe that I was howling and crying out as I toppled over a second time.
I knew in that instant that I should visit the ER, but I didn't want to admit defeat. I crawled into the tub and took a rather clumsy shower and got ready for the day...at least as well as one can without the ability to put clothes on the standard way. I avoided going downstairs for a while because I didn't know how I was going to climb down without causing more pain.
I eventually settled on scooting down the stairs, one at a time. I couldn't crawl because pointed my toes was painful. I eventually got downstairs and tried to pull myself together.
I gave in and called my dad to bring over my mom's crutches. While I waiting for him, I sideways crawled about my place, gathering things I needed like my purse, shoes, and ice from the freezer (which was not easy to retrieve). I elevated my leg on the couch and chatted with friends online in hopes that their lives would be able to distract me from the pain.
My dad arrived, and we headed to the hospital. I was treated quickly after being routed to the non-surgical emergency pediatrics area (PEDIATRICS! ME! 29!). I had X-rays done, as well as an exam from a very attractive young doctor (who was wearing a wedding ring - darn). After only a couple of hours, I was on my way with the same diagnosis and treatment I had figured out on my own.
I'm in pain, but I will take it easy. I need this to heal as quickly as possible.
Highs and Lows
I got a library card today. I have been living here for one year, almost to the day. I have purchased books left and right, fully knowing that I could have checked them out of a local library. I just wasn't ready until today. I am now officially part of the community.
When I returned home, I found that the maintenance workers or landscaping contractors ripped out my flowers. They hadn't bloomed yet, but they certainly did not resemble weeds.
I planted the seeds in March. I have worked on the flowerbeds since then. I cared for them. I watered them. I nurtured them. I loved them.
They were a bit slow to start, but they were nearing their first bloom cycle. I am so upset that they are gone - not just because of the time, money, and energy I put into them - more so because their lives were cut short. They didn't get to do what every living thing tries to do - thrive and reproduce. They were doing well, but the lack of blooms means that I will have to plant again next year as these were annuals.
When I returned home, I found that the maintenance workers or landscaping contractors ripped out my flowers. They hadn't bloomed yet, but they certainly did not resemble weeds.
I planted the seeds in March. I have worked on the flowerbeds since then. I cared for them. I watered them. I nurtured them. I loved them.
They were a bit slow to start, but they were nearing their first bloom cycle. I am so upset that they are gone - not just because of the time, money, and energy I put into them - more so because their lives were cut short. They didn't get to do what every living thing tries to do - thrive and reproduce. They were doing well, but the lack of blooms means that I will have to plant again next year as these were annuals.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Psychology
So, after discussing a friend's struggles with the id, I started to think a little more about the psychology of my own experiences.
In a nutshell, here is Freud's theory on the structural model of personality:
The id is centered around the pleasure principle. Whether we are discussing needs or wants, the id is what drives us. This is part of the unconscious (subconscious).
The ego is the personality and is based on reality. This is the part of our unconscious (subconscious) that lets us know that other people have needs and wants, too. In addition, it's the ego's job to help us understand consequences. This portion does move throughout the other levels.
The superego is our morality. This is developed by those who raise us - parent figures and society (communities, churches, etc.). This pre-conscious idea is closer to the conscious.
The last year-and-a-half has been driven more and more by the id. With the health problems I faced, my doctors explained that reverting to more instinctual trends is a sign that something serious was going on. I can only conclude that I was still functioning through my ego, as there is almost no other way for a human being, navigating my life between different desires and social rules with many moments of conflict. I was using my ego/personality to get what the id wanted without much regard for the somewhat traditional values I hold. Wait, scratch that. I was left feeling incredible guilty, sad, and frustrated because my superego would not let me do much. Wanting someone else from who I had been with didn't fit with my values, either, so I couldn't win.
I felt very fragmented, and these three categories of my subconscious seem(ed) to be in the most ridiculous battle.
To explain more fully, overall, I wanted to have the life I had planned with Jeremy. It fit with my values, my personality, etc. There was something new, though, that my id wanted. The battle was on. The id still wanted what it wanted before, but it also wanted something else and I started down a path to get both, if possible.
It's not wrong for the id to act this way. The ego is supposed to consider the id's desires and then look to the superego for guidance about how to act. It wasn't doing this properly because the wants changed moment to moment. This jerking motion in my mind made it difficult to really consider the different paths I wanted. Therefore, the day-to-day existence was fraught with contradiction and actions that didn't make sense to others or to me. I could say with complete honesty one day that all I wanted was to be with Jeremy. The next day, I could say I was completely wrong, and that I wanted to be elsewhere. Each was true in the moment.
I felt very confused and disoriented most of the time, so it's no wonder I was experiencing panic attacks and fits of situational depression. It was similar to what my friends have described about suffering from bipolar disorder, but it wasn't high or low for me. It was Jeremy or Tony. Both sides of this had highs and lows. I just had no coping skills for that set of issues. I was a mess.
I'm glad I went to doctors and counselors for help. The most alarming part was the medical issue I was having. Severe vitamin deficiencies are easily fixed, although they can take some time if some organs are already affected by the lack of necessary vitamins and minerals.
I have been taking about ten different vitamins, including a multi-vitamin, since then. My nails, hair, and skin have all been looking better. My eyesight has improved...I had thought I was going blind in one eye last year. My right eye wasn't registering a picture from time to time, usually at night, which is scary. My eye doctor is probably happy that he doesn't hear from me so much now. That's an improvement for him, I'm sure! I still have bouts of kidney and muscle pain, but I think that that will always be the case.
My mind is more stabilized now...with extra doses of those particular vitamins that I never knew were so important to daily brain function...but there is still some conflict. It's a different conflict, though. It's more about which direction, in the long run, I want to go and what I can and will do along the way. Yes, there are currently more options, but I think it is healthy for me to be looking at possibilities and reasoning with myself. My id wants several things, overall:
1. a stable, happy relationship with a man - not just particular ones...it wants an overall concept. (Yay!)
2. some fun and excitement (as they relate and don't relate to a relationship with a man)
3. comfort (through food, drink, companions, physicality, mental process, etc.)
To get wherever I'm headed, I choose to let my ego temper the superego and set the parameters of what is permissible.
And...we're off.
In a nutshell, here is Freud's theory on the structural model of personality:
The id is centered around the pleasure principle. Whether we are discussing needs or wants, the id is what drives us. This is part of the unconscious (subconscious).
The ego is the personality and is based on reality. This is the part of our unconscious (subconscious) that lets us know that other people have needs and wants, too. In addition, it's the ego's job to help us understand consequences. This portion does move throughout the other levels.
The superego is our morality. This is developed by those who raise us - parent figures and society (communities, churches, etc.). This pre-conscious idea is closer to the conscious.
The last year-and-a-half has been driven more and more by the id. With the health problems I faced, my doctors explained that reverting to more instinctual trends is a sign that something serious was going on. I can only conclude that I was still functioning through my ego, as there is almost no other way for a human being, navigating my life between different desires and social rules with many moments of conflict. I was using my ego/personality to get what the id wanted without much regard for the somewhat traditional values I hold. Wait, scratch that. I was left feeling incredible guilty, sad, and frustrated because my superego would not let me do much. Wanting someone else from who I had been with didn't fit with my values, either, so I couldn't win.
I felt very fragmented, and these three categories of my subconscious seem(ed) to be in the most ridiculous battle.
To explain more fully, overall, I wanted to have the life I had planned with Jeremy. It fit with my values, my personality, etc. There was something new, though, that my id wanted. The battle was on. The id still wanted what it wanted before, but it also wanted something else and I started down a path to get both, if possible.
It's not wrong for the id to act this way. The ego is supposed to consider the id's desires and then look to the superego for guidance about how to act. It wasn't doing this properly because the wants changed moment to moment. This jerking motion in my mind made it difficult to really consider the different paths I wanted. Therefore, the day-to-day existence was fraught with contradiction and actions that didn't make sense to others or to me. I could say with complete honesty one day that all I wanted was to be with Jeremy. The next day, I could say I was completely wrong, and that I wanted to be elsewhere. Each was true in the moment.
I felt very confused and disoriented most of the time, so it's no wonder I was experiencing panic attacks and fits of situational depression. It was similar to what my friends have described about suffering from bipolar disorder, but it wasn't high or low for me. It was Jeremy or Tony. Both sides of this had highs and lows. I just had no coping skills for that set of issues. I was a mess.
I'm glad I went to doctors and counselors for help. The most alarming part was the medical issue I was having. Severe vitamin deficiencies are easily fixed, although they can take some time if some organs are already affected by the lack of necessary vitamins and minerals.
I have been taking about ten different vitamins, including a multi-vitamin, since then. My nails, hair, and skin have all been looking better. My eyesight has improved...I had thought I was going blind in one eye last year. My right eye wasn't registering a picture from time to time, usually at night, which is scary. My eye doctor is probably happy that he doesn't hear from me so much now. That's an improvement for him, I'm sure! I still have bouts of kidney and muscle pain, but I think that that will always be the case.
My mind is more stabilized now...with extra doses of those particular vitamins that I never knew were so important to daily brain function...but there is still some conflict. It's a different conflict, though. It's more about which direction, in the long run, I want to go and what I can and will do along the way. Yes, there are currently more options, but I think it is healthy for me to be looking at possibilities and reasoning with myself. My id wants several things, overall:
1. a stable, happy relationship with a man - not just particular ones...it wants an overall concept. (Yay!)
2. some fun and excitement (as they relate and don't relate to a relationship with a man)
3. comfort (through food, drink, companions, physicality, mental process, etc.)
To get wherever I'm headed, I choose to let my ego temper the superego and set the parameters of what is permissible.
And...we're off.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Situational Depression
The very worst part of summer are the days that are so hot that I am lethargic. Because I don't accomplish a lot, I feel depressed. It's probably the balance of having an incredible month last month. There has to be some down time.
I started something, or at least it felt like I started something with someone. I worry that I was wrong. I worry that I will never again feel the way I did a long time ago when life made sense.
I'm also depressed because I temporarily stopped taking the overload of vitamins I have been ordered to take every day. The pills make me feel sick, so I think I need to find liquid forms again. The liquid vitamins are more expensive and difficult to match dosages, though, and I need consistency more than anything. I keep thinking that I've improved my diet sufficiently that I can cut back on these things, but that is still not the case. I become emotional, needy, and very depressed. It takes a few days of vitamins to get back to normal. My doctors tell me that if I don't get this into a solid routine, I might have to actually start taking medication for this issue. I understand Situational Depression is an issue, but I refuse to take anything that will alter the chemistry of my brain. Plus, if I am still struggling with taking vitamins in pill form on a daily basis, what makes them think that I will take medication with more enthusiasm?
I started something, or at least it felt like I started something with someone. I worry that I was wrong. I worry that I will never again feel the way I did a long time ago when life made sense.
I'm also depressed because I temporarily stopped taking the overload of vitamins I have been ordered to take every day. The pills make me feel sick, so I think I need to find liquid forms again. The liquid vitamins are more expensive and difficult to match dosages, though, and I need consistency more than anything. I keep thinking that I've improved my diet sufficiently that I can cut back on these things, but that is still not the case. I become emotional, needy, and very depressed. It takes a few days of vitamins to get back to normal. My doctors tell me that if I don't get this into a solid routine, I might have to actually start taking medication for this issue. I understand Situational Depression is an issue, but I refuse to take anything that will alter the chemistry of my brain. Plus, if I am still struggling with taking vitamins in pill form on a daily basis, what makes them think that I will take medication with more enthusiasm?
Never Accept
Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law. Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.Never accept someone's invitation to be in his or her wedding, unless the person is your sibling or will be your sibling-in-law.
Monday, July 05, 2010
Meaningless Fornication
Some people offer bad advice. When I don't take it, they give it to me again as if I am not following it because I didn't hear it.
One of my friends suggested, when I was upset tonight, that I throw my morals and values out the window and start bedding down with different guys. What kind of advice is that for someone who truly believes in the connection that two people can share on an emotional and physical level? Why would someone suggest that meaningless fornication would make me feel better emotionally?
I have had this conversation a number of times with this individual. Part of me wants to cut him off from my friendship because he still does not respect some of the most basic elements of my personality and beliefs. Another part thinks that we need these individuals to challenge us in our lives to help us stand firm and develop a stronger sense of self.
I think men find sex to be liberating, whereas women find it to be the opposite (generally speaking). I felt shame in showing interest in it, and when someone I believed to be a friend try to force himself on me in college, it took that shame to a heightened level. As I came to terms with what happened and dealt with some trust issues, I began to revere what I was able to preserve through self-defense. It was not something I felt should be given to troops of men. It was something I had saved. It was something that should not be thrown around to any takers who might be present. Granted, this friend didn't know how messed up I was back then. This person didn't see the emotional toll it all had on me and what I learned about myself. I try to explain, but my speech falls on deaf ears.
I want to make him realize that his suggestion feels like an attack, but he misses my point every time. His advice drudges up emotions. The notion that I should let people not build a strong relationship and sense of trust in a committed and loving relationship and just use me for sex or that I should use others in this way absolutely sickens me. Such predatory actions such as these will not heal my broken heart (for which I am responsible) nor will they help to heal the re-emerging pain of the past.
One of my friends suggested, when I was upset tonight, that I throw my morals and values out the window and start bedding down with different guys. What kind of advice is that for someone who truly believes in the connection that two people can share on an emotional and physical level? Why would someone suggest that meaningless fornication would make me feel better emotionally?
I have had this conversation a number of times with this individual. Part of me wants to cut him off from my friendship because he still does not respect some of the most basic elements of my personality and beliefs. Another part thinks that we need these individuals to challenge us in our lives to help us stand firm and develop a stronger sense of self.
I think men find sex to be liberating, whereas women find it to be the opposite (generally speaking). I felt shame in showing interest in it, and when someone I believed to be a friend try to force himself on me in college, it took that shame to a heightened level. As I came to terms with what happened and dealt with some trust issues, I began to revere what I was able to preserve through self-defense. It was not something I felt should be given to troops of men. It was something I had saved. It was something that should not be thrown around to any takers who might be present. Granted, this friend didn't know how messed up I was back then. This person didn't see the emotional toll it all had on me and what I learned about myself. I try to explain, but my speech falls on deaf ears.
I want to make him realize that his suggestion feels like an attack, but he misses my point every time. His advice drudges up emotions. The notion that I should let people not build a strong relationship and sense of trust in a committed and loving relationship and just use me for sex or that I should use others in this way absolutely sickens me. Such predatory actions such as these will not heal my broken heart (for which I am responsible) nor will they help to heal the re-emerging pain of the past.
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