Separation

I am separating myself from the confusing parts of my life. I am attempting to focus on the things I need to - getting a job, staying sane, organizing my home.

I've been trying to get out a little more, and there have been a few days of fun, but mostly I leave this place and head straight to interviews. Not fun.


Who's up for some roller skating or bowling or salsa dancing?

Ending on a Positive

Things weigh heavily on me when most of my life is out of balance. I cannot escape thoughts about how I no longer measure up to my old standards (or the standards of others).

The easiest way out is not an easy choice, even though I think of it often.

NWLB = pretty much a dead-end for me
employment = no job
music = no inspiration
writing = complaints about how rotten my life is right now (who really wants to read that!?!)
love = who knows? I don't. Both Maureen and Melissa are headed toward marriage. I feel more and more depressed each day.
grad school = excellent grades, but no money to go
life = hell, but there's always death to look forward to
money = the root of many evils

Ending on a positive: I just saved a bundle on my car (and renter's) insurance with MEEMIC.

Emotions

I've been sitting here most of the night crying. I haven't done this in a while, and it feels absolutely terrible.

Failure is the only word that really sums up my view of myself. I still cannot find a job. I started collecting unemployment, which makes me feel like everything I never wanted to be. I thought I could wait out the summer and find work. I didn't want to collect. I didn't want to be a burden on society.

The anger in me doesn't know where to go. I'm angry at my district for their foolish mismanagement of funds. I'm angry at my school for not having their shit together to know how many teachers they'd need (didn't the kids register for classes in March? I remember them using my class period to register!). I'm angry at myself for taking the job at this school in 2006. I'm even more angry at all of the principals I have met with who have decided on other candidates with less experience (it all comes down to money, doesn't it? Who cares about employing someone who has been teaching for seven years and has been nominated for various teaching awards?).

I'm living in the money pit. My dad has been wonderful helping out here, but my uncle is still stupid when it comes to actually maintaining this place. He doesn't seem to think he is required to provide me with working plumbing, working air and heat, windows that close and latch, etc. I'm trying to be patient, but come on! He knew many months ago that I would be moving in, but did he fix things? No. He waited until I moved in and complained that I didn't have a working sink and hot water and A/C when the thermostat read high numbers. Hell, the electrical wasn't working and he had to have a new breaker box installed. The worst part is that my uncle just allows my dad and I to pay for these things as we fix them. I don't understand how he cannot know that these things are his responsibility.

Leaving really isn't a realistic option, either.

Out of Balance

I feel as if I can't seem to maintain myself this week. I just finished my grad work for the summer, and I should be pleased with myself. Instead, I feel depressed.

It's almost like I was dragging things out just so that I would have something I was striving for. I lost that today when I completed the last assignment. My students wouldn't understand this sensation at all. Just like those who don't understand the joy in difficulty - the joy in challenge. I usually hear about how others are irritated about college expectations vary so significantly from high school. Education at a higher level is more independent and the answers / styles are so much more subjective.

Nothing is simple, and I should be proud of myself for finishing my work. Instead, I feel hollow. It must be that I haven't had a lot to live for these last several months. There were no students waiting for my cue, no people who truly needed me in any way (although there might be a couple out there who have convinced themselves that I am somehow necessary for their existences), no purposes beyond academics. I still have no job. I am trying everything. I've been told by several places that I am overqualified and they didn't want to hire me based on the fact that I might leave for a teaching job.

I need to be doing something productive. I can't seem to get out of this funk.

Far, Far Away

I often dream of moving away. I think I may have been on the right track when Jeremy and I moved to Florida. There were 1200 miles separating me from my family. I was able to establish myself in a new place - new friends, new career, new pets, etc.

My parents are here right now. I don't mind so much that my dad is working on many of the things my uncle had left unfinished and in disrepair. My dad and I see eye-to-eye on many different things.

My mother is the one human being who can set me off no matter how much we are getting along. She constantly criticizes everything in my life - my choices, my appearance, my behavior, my home (things that are mine and not mine). I can never seem to get beyond feeling like garbage when I am around her. She is nosy and always wants to know everything. I can't share anything with her without her finding a way to attack me.

She tells me things I don't need to know. I explained that I need time to get my homework done. She tells me to "Go and do your homework. I'll work on this." She keeps interrupting to tell me her ideas about my life, as well as where she is headed next in my home.

I'm unhappy. There are few moments when things don't seem so horrible, but those moments are few and far between. I put a lot of pressure on myself, even when others don't to find happiness or, at least, some sensation that isn't misery.