Scattered

I have spent a lot of time lately with a variety of friends. While it is good to reconnect with people, I find that I have neglected my home for far too long. I arrived home quite late last night. I didn't expect to have a good time at my reunion, but things went really well. Some of the people I didn't necessarily hang out with a lot were great company. We talked. We danced. We bought one another rounds of drinks.

I had forgotten how well I got along with Erin and Tara. It was strange to see the reactions early in the evening from their friends in high school. I was irritated, at first, until I realized that they were just sizing up the situation and the people, much like I was. The dirty looks went away quickly, and we were all able to communicate like we've never been able to before. I think that sort of happens when alcohol is involved.

Natalie was really friendly. We'd never had issues before, but it was really nice to sit down and talk about her wedding. Candice has a store in Livonia. Jay has a business with his dad. Tiana is just as spunky as always. Lisa and Angela showed up in their letter jackets. I can't believe I didn't expect that from those two goofballs. Brandon danced a lot with Vera's sister, and Vera turned into the protective older sister. It was funny. Tara and Erin dragged me around for a while and bought me a shot. I, of course, returned the favor.

Later on, Jay and I talked. I'm probably going to drag him to some of my ukulele things, seeing as he now has a uke of his own. He doesn't yet know how to play it, but that comes with time and practice. I kept taking his Scotch. Jay and I always got along, and it was nice to pick up where we left off. Kerry and Dave will most likely be moving away from our complex this spring. The band students clumped together, for the most part, and I visited for a short while. Then, I kind of got bored. I've seen them every couple of years with all of the weddings. I saw Kempa. I'm not sure why it surprised me that he was there. Justin and I talked a lot. He seems to be adjusting well to his new place. He won't be needing my furniture, dishes, and appliances, after all, so now I can offer them to others. Julie didn't really know who I was and asked if I am Alicia. I was a little hurt by this simply because we used to be so close, but I can understand that life has taken us far away from each other and it is easy to forget people. I tend to not forget people (or gifts they've given me, things they've said, etc.), but I understand that other people don't operate this way.

Anyway, back to my original post here (see? I am quite scattered). I've been cleaning all day. It is getting better, but there is still so much to do. There is one more round of dishes to do (I have a tiny dishwasher). I have a kitchen to clean, as well. I rearranged my living room. I don't know if I like it, but it will help to keep the cold out. I can always move things another way that will leave it open and inviting. I have gathered almost ten bags of trash from my compulsive cleaning. I didn't get a lot done last night after drinking, so I felt it necessary to clean today.

Laundry will be done tomorrow. I also have to create all of my documents for work, create my first draft of my presentation for class tomorrow, type up the rest of the English 9 semester exam, and I need to find time to do chores. The ukulele site needs a little maintenance with links, so I volunteered to do that. Wedding plans need to be set. Christmas cards and letters need to be written. Music must be practiced for my concert.

I also need to make a Christmas list. It's difficult because I like practical gifts, and there is nothing I truly need. If someone could give me time, I'd be happy, but that is just not a possibility.

My emotions are off the charts lately. I attribute a lot of my confusion and malaise to too much interaction with others. Down-time just hasn't been available. I suppose that is why I am spending the night in tonight. James had sent me a message about the Corner Brewery, but it's necessary for me to collect my thoughts and feelings. Other friends seem to be going through this, as well.

I need to train myself to be comfortable with moderation. Too much of any good thing can actually turn out to be a bad thing. I see it in several areas of my life.

Long Talks

I tried to explain to Jeremy the things I've learned about myself over the last few months. He seemed to catch a glimpse of all of the emotional stuff that has been looming over me.

He commented that it has taken three, possibly four, people to replace Mike in my life. I started to argue with him, but I realized he is right. I am opening up more to Jeremy, which is bringing us closer together (which is the point when you are planning to marry someone, right?). Joe and I have been hanging out more. We meet for drinks and talk about life while listening to music. Carrie has been around a lot lately. We are getting in good discussion time that helps to sort out all of life's crazy situations and emotions. Jessy has been playing his guitar and singing for me after school while I am grading papers...

...and Jeremy couldn't be happier. He admitted today that he has never been able to put up with Mike. He always felt like Mike got in the way. I agree. Mike has always been one to interrupt the flow of my relationship with Jeremy, but we've never been able to sit down and discuss that before.

I still miss hanging out with Mike, but I realize that he served in a capacity that made me incredibly dependent upon him. That is simply unhealthy, although many might argue another side to the situation.

Little Bits

I find telling some my truths / secrets very therapeutic. The problem is that I can only let them out in little bits at a time, or else I feel overwhelmed by emotion and I either shut down or flip out.

Jessy, Joe, and Carrie have been great listeners lately. I don't know what I would do without them. Maureen is usually someone I can talk to, but I know she is busy with work and grad school (and a live-in boyfriend...two cats...etc.). Melissa is always busy. She doesn't stay still at all. Jessy sat in my classroom and played the guitar and sang for me while I graded papers on Friday. It was awfully sweet of him.

The truths I have are nothing that I can do anything about, which is sad. I just need to find some other way of dealing with them. I have ideas, but they never seem to work out well.

About Me

I reworked the "About Me" portion of my MySpace profile page. It felt good to step outside of myself and write in a different perspective. I'm supposed to be writing an exam eight now, but I find myself more interested in working on the some of the issues I am dealing with on a personal level.

I met Joe at Fifth Avenue on Friday. I was depressed, and he tried to cheer me up. It mostly worked, but I was irritable and I didn't take his help as well as I could have. Sorry about that, Joe. I know you were trying to help. I had just reached bitch mode, which is difficult to return from. Joe left relatively early, and I felt bad because he actually helped to put me in a better mood, which he missed. I wouldn't say that I was in a great mood, but I was much better.

Tony was there. We talked over drinks. I haven't had a chance to sit down with him in years, so it felt a little weird. I didn't know what to talk about. I didn't really know enough about him and his life to know what to ask. He mentioned that he was going back to school, so we started there. I had never before realized why he spent so many years working where he does. I guess when your parent really needs your help financially, you make sacrifices in regard to your education and life to keep the family house (and to keep the family intact). I would make the same sacrifices for my parents after all of the sacrifices they've made for me, that is, if they found themselves in a similar situation. Tony made me laugh, which I needed, but I felt bad for laughing about his former girlfriend and her racism that he didn't notice until after several years with her. How does one not notice their partner is a racist? I kept thinking of Stephen Lynch's comedy (the Nazi girlfriend song). We both walked away saying it was nice to catch up.

quiet and sad

I feel quiet and sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

Welcome, November!

I slept in today! I haven't been able to sleep in for weeks, and sleeping at all has been spotty lately. My mind is always going, and I have far too many responsibilities for my pay grade.

I had several very vivid dreams last night, a couple of which I cannot stop thinking about. They were quite disturbing and I am curious what is causing them.

I noticed today on MySpace that I was one friend shy of the set I had before. After a little digging, I realized that Mike had cut me from his music page listing. He removed me from his Facebook list roughly a week ago. I'm kind of curious why it took him so long to cut me from the other (and he hasn't cut any of MY friends - but if you want to cut him loose from yours because he has his head up his ass, please feel free - not that I expect you to or that I really want you to...that would just be resorting to his methods). Jeremy thinks it is a ploy to get some sort of a reaction out of me. I suppose it is getting a reaction - I am writing about it, aren't I? Jeremy thinks Mike wants me to try to contact him - I don't have a single reason to do that. I don't resort to childish, whiny responses to already childish tactics. I don't have the patience or time for them. I actually find it funny that he is trying to remove me from his life like he would any girlfriend he's decided he doesn't want to see any more. I can only shake my head and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

I cleaned a few things today. I was pretty proud of myself. I never have time for anything domestic lately. I still need to shower and get ready for my performance tonight. I just couldn't see the logic in showering, then scrubbing floors and bathroom fixtures, then showering again. I am all grimy, but that goes with the territory, right?

I talked to Melissa yesterday. I thought she was avoiding me, but she called in the afternoon, and we caught up. We've both been so busy with teaching that time has disappeared. We plan to get together soon and celebrate our (belated) birthdays. I haven't even seen Maureen to celebrate her September birthday. This school year is definitely kicking my butt, but I feel good about all the positive things I am doing.

All of my laundry is done for the week, and I vacuumed the stairs. I have gathered several items for Justin, should he call to arrange a time to pick up the furniture, dishes, iron, and other items that I've set aside for him. I need to grade papers and practice my music for band tonight.

I think it is going to be a good month. I may go to my ten-year reunion or I will be hitting Germany (probably Cologne or Dusseldorf) for a few days around Thanksgiving. I would like to not travel alone, but if that's all I can get, I will take it. I just have to check the flights.

Jeremy and I discussed wedding plans today. We haven't officially set a date, but we have a few in mind. We want to get things set before telling people. Also, it will a TINY wedding, perhaps with immediate family and grandparents only. Melissa and Maureen are like family, and I would feel terrible if they weren't there. I have to work on what I want here. I told my (very simple and very classy) idea to Melissa, and she thought it would be perfect for me. I have a good place for this plan. The pictures would be beautiful, and it is centrally located. I hope I can make this happen!