On Monday, I learned that my best guy friend's eyes are hazel (I had thought they were brown). We have been incredibly close friends since 2000, and yet, I didn't know his eye color. What kind of crappy-ass friend am I?
His eyes looked very green, and I had asked if he was wearing color contacts. When he said no, I felt like the biggest dumb-ass ever! His eyes have just never looked so green before - perhaps it was the lighting in the store.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
just talking can be nice
Work went really well today. I wore my Burger King costume, which made me quite happy. I had meetings in the afternoon that were a complete waste of time, but it was still a decent day. I took a series of naps after returning home. Jeremy called several times, and we had really short, yet nice, conversations. I think I had forgotten how nice it can be to just talk to him. He may come back for the weekend. I've learned not to get my hopes up when he is away at training, though.
I worked on my paper, and then turned on the TV to watch Ghost Hunters. I think I watch the show because I want to believe that there is something after physical death.
I worked on my paper, and then turned on the TV to watch Ghost Hunters. I think I watch the show because I want to believe that there is something after physical death.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Primo Coffee
The workday progressed without incident. I was eager to leave, although I knew I'd be sitting at home - waiting for Mike to call. I had almost given up on the possibility of hanging out in Ann Arbor when I heard my phone sing its little tune.
Mike and I met for dinner at B.D.'s and then perused some used CDs at some little shop that Mike and I never seem to reach before closing time. After Mike made his ever-growing purchase, we visited a small coffee shop and graded papers. I worked on my essay, which hasn't really amounted to much, but it has a solid start. I need to sit down and create a detailed outline (as formulaic as that is).
I was doing some deconstruction of the text when Mike handed me a paper - one of his students had shared his inner torment, and I sort of brushed it aside. The whole exercise seemed artificial, as my mind was wrapped around the theories of deconstruction. I instantly felt sick to my stomach that I had not really taken it seriously. I am worried that Mike thinks I am insensitive. I would not have treated my own students' writing that way, and I regret my reaction.
Jeremy called to tell me he loves me and misses me. It's nice to know that even though he is several states away, he does think about me periodically throughout the day. That sounds so much like a textbook. Ugh.
I am waiting to hear from Noah to learn if he will meet me in Ann Arbor this weekend. While I understand Jeremy does not like Noah, I have never asked him to not hang out with any of his friends - even the ones I dislike (both male and female). All I ask is that he not bring them to my home, which he doesn't. I understand that he doesn't like or trust Noah. He is not afraid that Noah will force himself on me or anything - he is simply afraid that Noah might flirt with me or try to kiss me. Noah has been a pretty decent friend over the years. Jeremy should feel confident that I will not let anything inappropriate happen. Jeremy and I even discussed hanging out with our different groups of friends this weekend and meeting up at the end of the night. He seemed to embrace that idea a bit more.
Mike and I met for dinner at B.D.'s and then perused some used CDs at some little shop that Mike and I never seem to reach before closing time. After Mike made his ever-growing purchase, we visited a small coffee shop and graded papers. I worked on my essay, which hasn't really amounted to much, but it has a solid start. I need to sit down and create a detailed outline (as formulaic as that is).
I was doing some deconstruction of the text when Mike handed me a paper - one of his students had shared his inner torment, and I sort of brushed it aside. The whole exercise seemed artificial, as my mind was wrapped around the theories of deconstruction. I instantly felt sick to my stomach that I had not really taken it seriously. I am worried that Mike thinks I am insensitive. I would not have treated my own students' writing that way, and I regret my reaction.
Jeremy called to tell me he loves me and misses me. It's nice to know that even though he is several states away, he does think about me periodically throughout the day. That sounds so much like a textbook. Ugh.
I am waiting to hear from Noah to learn if he will meet me in Ann Arbor this weekend. While I understand Jeremy does not like Noah, I have never asked him to not hang out with any of his friends - even the ones I dislike (both male and female). All I ask is that he not bring them to my home, which he doesn't. I understand that he doesn't like or trust Noah. He is not afraid that Noah will force himself on me or anything - he is simply afraid that Noah might flirt with me or try to kiss me. Noah has been a pretty decent friend over the years. Jeremy should feel confident that I will not let anything inappropriate happen. Jeremy and I even discussed hanging out with our different groups of friends this weekend and meeting up at the end of the night. He seemed to embrace that idea a bit more.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Saturday's Lament
Jeremy woke me up early and we talked about what's been going wrong lately. He decided that he will most likely return home every weekend during training. I had already made plans for next weekend to hang out with Noah, and I think Jeremy just wants to prevent that scenario. It's not that anything will happen with Noah...we'll drink...we'll dance...he may even flirt with me. Hell, he might even bring his on-and-off-again girlfriend to hang out, too.
Jeremy just doesn't want me to spend any time with Noah. Jeremy knows that I am concerned about our relationship, so he probably is trying to keep me from spending a lot of time with my guy friends. He doesn't say he is really worried about me wanting to date Noah, but he has told me he is afraid that I might leave him for Mike.
Jeremy just doesn't want me to spend any time with Noah. Jeremy knows that I am concerned about our relationship, so he probably is trying to keep me from spending a lot of time with my guy friends. He doesn't say he is really worried about me wanting to date Noah, but he has told me he is afraid that I might leave him for Mike.
Friday, October 26, 2007
anger
So, I've had an extremely stressful week and all I want to do is take a nap and then finish grading my students' papers tonight. I have a grad paper due early next week, and I haven't been able to finish reading the theory or the novel.
I drive home, eager to escape the nightmare that is teaching, and Jeremy has a buddy over. Did he clean anything? Did he do his laundry? Did he even clear a spot for me to work? No. Typical.
I can't even view an educational DVD I may use with my students because he and his friend are playing video games. They want me to drive them to the Heidelberg in Ann Arbor later tonight, when all I want to do is get something...anything done.
I think we might have our house guest until tomorrow, and his fiancee is driving out tonight. What the hell!?! How fucking inconsiderate!
This weekend, I have to complete report card grades, read literary theory, read a novel, write a 6-page paper, make lesson plans (including one formal one for my evaluation on Tuesday), set up for my concert, perform on Sunday, get some wedding planning done, clean EVERYTHING!, write letters to parents to explain some of the grading policy changes my school will adopt, and a variety of other things. Jeremy is also leaving on Sunday for three weeks, so I know he expects me to spend time with him.
Perhaps I will just take off with my uke. It feels like one of those days. I really just want to bash in his skull with it, but then I'd have to buy a new ukulele.
I drive home, eager to escape the nightmare that is teaching, and Jeremy has a buddy over. Did he clean anything? Did he do his laundry? Did he even clear a spot for me to work? No. Typical.
I can't even view an educational DVD I may use with my students because he and his friend are playing video games. They want me to drive them to the Heidelberg in Ann Arbor later tonight, when all I want to do is get something...anything done.
I think we might have our house guest until tomorrow, and his fiancee is driving out tonight. What the hell!?! How fucking inconsiderate!
This weekend, I have to complete report card grades, read literary theory, read a novel, write a 6-page paper, make lesson plans (including one formal one for my evaluation on Tuesday), set up for my concert, perform on Sunday, get some wedding planning done, clean EVERYTHING!, write letters to parents to explain some of the grading policy changes my school will adopt, and a variety of other things. Jeremy is also leaving on Sunday for three weeks, so I know he expects me to spend time with him.
Perhaps I will just take off with my uke. It feels like one of those days. I really just want to bash in his skull with it, but then I'd have to buy a new ukulele.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Another lonely night
Jeremy is at work again tonight.
I am, once again, avoiding my homework and grading. I need to get everything done by tomorrow so that I can give progress reports and such. I just stopped caring for the day.
My boss wasn't able to observe in my classroom today, so I have to reschedule.
Joe brightened my day today. It was nice to learn that he also looks back on our moments together and just enjoys the memories. I think we all had good times, you know, before life became so complicated.
I am, once again, avoiding my homework and grading. I need to get everything done by tomorrow so that I can give progress reports and such. I just stopped caring for the day.
My boss wasn't able to observe in my classroom today, so I have to reschedule.
Joe brightened my day today. It was nice to learn that he also looks back on our moments together and just enjoys the memories. I think we all had good times, you know, before life became so complicated.
Monday, October 22, 2007
strumming my little ukulele
I had big plans for myself upon my return home. Instead of conquering the world, I decided to play the ukulele and sing.
A list of some things I have avoided doing today:
1. grading tests for German
2. entering grades and printed progress reports for my students
3. typing a test I plan to give tomorrow (I think multiple choice may be the way to go!)
4. laundry
5. dishes
6. making dinner (we bought subs instead)
7. cleaning my kitchen
8. calling the place where we want to get married
9. exercising
10. homework for grad school
A list of some things I have avoided doing today:
1. grading tests for German
2. entering grades and printed progress reports for my students
3. typing a test I plan to give tomorrow (I think multiple choice may be the way to go!)
4. laundry
5. dishes
6. making dinner (we bought subs instead)
7. cleaning my kitchen
8. calling the place where we want to get married
9. exercising
10. homework for grad school
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Someone else's thoughts...
Closer - Dido
So leave your taxi waiting
And turn and close my door
And sit back down where you were sitting
A little closer than before
And when you look that serious
It just makes me want you more
And I've been meaning to tell you
The closer you get, the better I feel
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around
The closer you get, the better I feel
And yes I know you're nervous
Never seen you so unsure
You haven't touched your food tonight
And you're drinking more and more
And there's no need to hurry
Take your time I'll still be here
And I've been meaning to tell you
The closer you get, the better I feel
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around, the better I feel
The closer you get, the better you see
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around
The closer you get, the better I feel
The better I feel, the better I feel
We've been circling for time baby
We're coming down to land tonight
The wait is over and now it's easy
Everything is fine
The closer you get, the better I feel
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around, the better I feel
The closer you get, the better you see
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says, that I look happier
When you're around, the closer you get
The better I feel
So leave your taxi waiting
And turn and close my door
And sit back down where you were sitting
A little closer than before
And when you look that serious
It just makes me want you more
And I've been meaning to tell you
The closer you get, the better I feel
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around
The closer you get, the better I feel
And yes I know you're nervous
Never seen you so unsure
You haven't touched your food tonight
And you're drinking more and more
And there's no need to hurry
Take your time I'll still be here
And I've been meaning to tell you
The closer you get, the better I feel
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around, the better I feel
The closer you get, the better you see
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around
The closer you get, the better I feel
The better I feel, the better I feel
We've been circling for time baby
We're coming down to land tonight
The wait is over and now it's easy
Everything is fine
The closer you get, the better I feel
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around, the better I feel
The closer you get, the better you see
The closer you are, the more I see
Why everyone says, that I look happier
When you're around, the closer you get
The better I feel
Monday, October 15, 2007
Mike called today to see if I wanted to meet him in Ann Arbor. I really wanted to, but Jeremy is leaving tomorrow for four days. I thought it best to stay home with my fiance. I was irritated, though, as Jeremy did ignore me a little to study for his upcoming test. I pouted and then took a nap. Not exactly quality time together.
Mike sounded so disappointed when I told him I wouldn't be able to meet him. That made me feel special - someone actually wanted to spend time with me. I rarely get phone calls, and invitations out are even more rare.
The disappointment I felt is a concern. I had this impulse to rebel against Jeremy. I was angered by the notion that I should have to change what I am doing to suit him - that is certainly not be what I should thinking about considering we are now engaged.
This evening, Jeremy told me he is afraid that I might run off with Mike. Mike and I would never do this. That's just not the nature of our relationship.
Mike sounded so disappointed when I told him I wouldn't be able to meet him. That made me feel special - someone actually wanted to spend time with me. I rarely get phone calls, and invitations out are even more rare.
The disappointment I felt is a concern. I had this impulse to rebel against Jeremy. I was angered by the notion that I should have to change what I am doing to suit him - that is certainly not be what I should thinking about considering we are now engaged.
This evening, Jeremy told me he is afraid that I might run off with Mike. Mike and I would never do this. That's just not the nature of our relationship.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
As Seen on Myspace...
So far, the Homecoming Dance count is:
6 students arrested for possession of alcohol (most "through consumption").
1 student hospitalized (one of the six arrested) - I witnessed the incident. Drunk (and high) student resisting arrest, etc.Quite a show!
2 times the freshman/sophomore dance had to be stopped because of indecency and violence. Manyof the students were engaged in activity that was in between dancing and sex.
4 kids refused at the door (despite the irate parents insisting they should be allowed in) because they couldn't get there by 9 PM - the dance started at 7:30.
2 kids suffering breathing problems - both were remedied without hospitalization
1 teacher suit coat stolen
16 times one student went to the bathroom to wash his hands while I was on door duty (35 minutes total)
16 chaperones who did not show up or call to say they weren't coming.
5 hours I stayed, even though I planned to only be there for one.
1 girl who allowed her date to pull up her dress and show off here undergarments while on the dance floor (that I witnessed, anyway).
1 male student who actually said (to me) he wouldn't dance to certain types of music with his date because he didn't want to disrespect her. Can you say "Awww!"?
2 carloads of non-students were chased off of campus by the police.
13 times the table was slammed against my legs by freshman and sophomore students who were acting like animals at the end of the night (coat check). I am going to have some nasty bruises.
2 pairs of shoes left unclaimed.
I may be able to add more to this list once I get back to school. Perhaps accidents and such. I saw a terrible accident on my way home - it could have been one of our students.
6 students arrested for possession of alcohol (most "through consumption").
1 student hospitalized (one of the six arrested) - I witnessed the incident. Drunk (and high) student resisting arrest, etc.Quite a show!
2 times the freshman/sophomore dance had to be stopped because of indecency and violence. Manyof the students were engaged in activity that was in between dancing and sex.
4 kids refused at the door (despite the irate parents insisting they should be allowed in) because they couldn't get there by 9 PM - the dance started at 7:30.
2 kids suffering breathing problems - both were remedied without hospitalization
1 teacher suit coat stolen
16 times one student went to the bathroom to wash his hands while I was on door duty (35 minutes total)
16 chaperones who did not show up or call to say they weren't coming.
5 hours I stayed, even though I planned to only be there for one.
1 girl who allowed her date to pull up her dress and show off here undergarments while on the dance floor (that I witnessed, anyway).
1 male student who actually said (to me) he wouldn't dance to certain types of music with his date because he didn't want to disrespect her. Can you say "Awww!"?
2 carloads of non-students were chased off of campus by the police.
13 times the table was slammed against my legs by freshman and sophomore students who were acting like animals at the end of the night (coat check). I am going to have some nasty bruises.
2 pairs of shoes left unclaimed.
I may be able to add more to this list once I get back to school. Perhaps accidents and such. I saw a terrible accident on my way home - it could have been one of our students.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
dehydrated again
Once again, I am severely dehydrated. I refuse to go to the hospital, even though I've been having health problems all day (mostly vision, hearing, and muscle movement issues). I've been trying to take in a bunch of water, but I just can't keep drinking it.
I should be accustomed to this because it happens so frequently, but I just can't seem to force myself to drink enough liquid. I am really craving salt, too. That's probably a sign that something else is wrong, but I loathe going to the doctor - although my urologist is actually someone I am fine with (my current insurance stuff won't cover a visit to him without first visiting the doctor in the area who is listed as my primary care physician).
I feel as though I've wasted yet another Saturday. Jeremy is actually home this weekend, but we didn't go look at houses or reception halls - yeah, we are way behind schedule with our wedding plans! We are just rarely home at the same time, and it is difficult to make decisions that affect both of us in that situation.
Beyond the "normal" stress, I am to help with Homecoming tonight at work. I don't think I'll stay the whole time; but I said that about dances last year. The teachers end up going out drinking afterward, and that is an absolute blast! I wouldn't trust my body with alcohol today, though. I am facing enough stress on my organs.
I should be accustomed to this because it happens so frequently, but I just can't seem to force myself to drink enough liquid. I am really craving salt, too. That's probably a sign that something else is wrong, but I loathe going to the doctor - although my urologist is actually someone I am fine with (my current insurance stuff won't cover a visit to him without first visiting the doctor in the area who is listed as my primary care physician).
I feel as though I've wasted yet another Saturday. Jeremy is actually home this weekend, but we didn't go look at houses or reception halls - yeah, we are way behind schedule with our wedding plans! We are just rarely home at the same time, and it is difficult to make decisions that affect both of us in that situation.
Beyond the "normal" stress, I am to help with Homecoming tonight at work. I don't think I'll stay the whole time; but I said that about dances last year. The teachers end up going out drinking afterward, and that is an absolute blast! I wouldn't trust my body with alcohol today, though. I am facing enough stress on my organs.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Nightmares
I can't stop having nightmares. I know what my subconscious is trying to deal with (still), but I'd simply like to avoid the topic. I don't want to get into it here, either. I force myself awake and then sit up for a while. I feel like I am so stressed out.
I made several stiff drinks last night for Mike A., Jeremy, and myself. I could not focus on grading papers, which I brought home with me again today. I have been avoiding them for hours now. Unfortunately, the alcohol didn't just let me rest.
I have other things on my mind, too, so I am hoping to find some sort of outlet to avoid fucking things up.
I made several stiff drinks last night for Mike A., Jeremy, and myself. I could not focus on grading papers, which I brought home with me again today. I have been avoiding them for hours now. Unfortunately, the alcohol didn't just let me rest.
I have other things on my mind, too, so I am hoping to find some sort of outlet to avoid fucking things up.
Monday, October 01, 2007
A good birthday
Jeremy was out of town today, but I had a great day. My students were wonderful. I had a number of good laughs. Mike treated me to dinner. We talked for hours, as usual, and it was so comforting and kind. He looked at clothes in some store, and I critiqued jackets and such - I taught Mike the term "Moobs" - apparently my meshing of both 'man' and 'boobs' was a hit. He said he will definitely use that term tomorrow. We walked in the rain, stopped at coffee shops, completed homework and graded the homework of our students, all the while contemplating what the world would be like if our students really put forth the effort that we hope for.
I didn't get my exact birthday wish, but who ever does? I believe I got something better. I was able to let go of yesterday's grief and depression and feel giggly and happy. Mike is the ultimate pick-me-up. Everyone needs someone like Mike. And the best part? We don't need alcohol to be like that. I thought that our wild A2 nights could be only that - wild (as the result of being intoxicated), but we still have a great time without the booze.
Maybe next time we hang out there will be nicer weather and I can demonstrate my MAD uke skills. I have yet to do that for him. I can't tell you how many times he has been the resident performer. It would be nice to let him relax and have someone perform music for him.
I may be going to see David Sedaris in a couple of weeks with my parents and Jeremy. I may see what my budget is and treat Mike. Also, I have to keep him informed about Sherman Alexie, who will be returning the the A2/Ypsi area in early November. He missed him last time, so he is determined to get there. The best part? He will be at my college! Frickin' sweet!
Thank you to everyone who have made this day wonderful. I LOVE GUYS!
I didn't get my exact birthday wish, but who ever does? I believe I got something better. I was able to let go of yesterday's grief and depression and feel giggly and happy. Mike is the ultimate pick-me-up. Everyone needs someone like Mike. And the best part? We don't need alcohol to be like that. I thought that our wild A2 nights could be only that - wild (as the result of being intoxicated), but we still have a great time without the booze.
Maybe next time we hang out there will be nicer weather and I can demonstrate my MAD uke skills. I have yet to do that for him. I can't tell you how many times he has been the resident performer. It would be nice to let him relax and have someone perform music for him.
I may be going to see David Sedaris in a couple of weeks with my parents and Jeremy. I may see what my budget is and treat Mike. Also, I have to keep him informed about Sherman Alexie, who will be returning the the A2/Ypsi area in early November. He missed him last time, so he is determined to get there. The best part? He will be at my college! Frickin' sweet!
Thank you to everyone who have made this day wonderful. I LOVE GUYS!
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