Influence

The longer I date Keith, the more I see how he influences me. At least I can say that he influences me in a positive way that is focused on healing the parts of me that feel damaged all the time - my brain, my heart, and my soul. He brings with him a calm Buddhist nature that helps me see the value in my experiences, my life, and myself. I recall how my ex-fiance used to influence me. At the time, I just thought that sacrificing things I enjoy and things I need would reward me later with a husband who was a good man. Instead, that "good man" started a new relationship with another woman while I was recovering from my stroke in 2011 (we were "separate but together" at the time) and then married her this calendar year. My ruptured aneurysm did a lot of damage. On the physical level, I am almost entirely healed - the brain is incredibly resilient, but I am definitely not the same person I used to be. My memories are intact, my personality is roughly the same, but I'm left with this constant feeling of not being good enough for anything I used to have or do. My employers assume the worst in me, claiming I have anger issues, although they have no examples to share of me demonstrating them. I get that I'm not as bubbly as I used to be, but being more subdued is not a bad thing when my job is to wrangle 170 teenagers and keep them reading and writing every day. I feel unappreciated for everything I do there, and unfortunately, since that is what fills most of my time, it influences me most. I start to wonder if I am worthless. I've been both verbally and physically assaulted at work by adults and children, and the emotional impact of that is great and very heavy. While some of these things occurred prior to my stroke, the bulk of them have happened after, and it makes me wonder where our society is truly headed if everyone is seeing fit to abuse someone who suffered and recovered from a terrible ordeal. One person I work for even claimed I must have caused my aneurysm by "irresponsible living." I rarely consume alcohol, live a vegetarian lifestyle, and I have never done drugs - ever. My neurosurgeon says my aneurysm was caused by a hereditary birth defect no one had detected (my great-grandfather died from a ruptured brain aneurysm in the exact same spot as mine). I've always internalized my negative dealings with outside forces. Normally, people who survive what I did are left angry, depressed, and violent. I am mildly depressed at times, but isn't everyone? I am not a violent person. I don't feel the urge to strike anyone (remember...I internalize everything.). I am only angry about how others treat me. When I set boundaries, people violate them. Not all people, mostly just the people I work with. I've decided that I don't want the people I work with to influence me anymore. I just need help figuring out how to stop their influence. Any ideas?

LEFT BEHIND

So, I'm getting really depressed because everyone else seems to be paired off and getting married. I have a boyfriend who cares for me deeply, but he's very slow about the love-thing, and I feel like I might never get that again. When will it be my turn to finally be happy? Someone I have very strong feelings for (and he for me) is going on a date today with someone new. He and I have remained close despite things not working out for us. On one hand, I am happy for him that he is going on a date. On the other hand, I am sad that he's trying to actually move on emotionally. I'm trying like hell to be happy for those people out there who've been able to find true love. I used to be so happy for people when they'd find it. I'm not upset that they've found it. I just want it, too.