Letters and Smoke Signals

I write you letters, but I don't send them. 

I don't think you will ever be ready for what I really think of you and what you've done. I also think you have compartmentalized your emotions so well that it may not even register with you that you have done some heinous things to others. 

- When you participated in certain acts with (healed and possibly not-so-healed) adults who had been previously victimized as children, you contributed to their trauma and mental health problems, even if they say they are "fine." People behaving badly is a theme that needs to stop in our world. 

-  When you threw your antics in a former loved one's face - perhaps as a way to brag - you established a mindset that the entire history with that person did not matter and did not mean anything to you. She will never be able to view your shared past they way she did before. By acting the way you have, you have essentially destroyed the past, and each broken memory is starting to drift off like old fading smoke signals from a dying fire. 

- When you continued to ignore the red flags that I - and others - showed you...and then expect sympathy from us, it makes all of our concern and support seem unappreciated, not trusted, etc. Coming back from that is difficult because you did your Narcissistic partner's work by preemptively  discrediting us and now want us to support you as if you hadn't pushed us away and as if we weren't there trying to help you the entire time. 

I know people are flawed and make mistakes - I've made my own, too - and I try to rationalize your attitude, actions, and inaction in an effort to give you grace. I need to stop rationalizing and absorbing bad behavior. 

Sometimes, it's like you want me to accept your degenerate behavior asequal to my non-degenerate behavior. It just isn't, and asking me to believe in fiction like that is not how this is going to play out. 

You hurt me - and you hurt others - in ways you will never comprehend, and at this point, I don't think you even care to try to understand how your actions broke things in us, including trust.

It's no longer a question of trying to connect with and show you what you've done in hopes that you'll feel remorse and atone for your behavior. 

It's now about freeing myself from my perceived obligation to even try to help you grow into a better person. 

I think I'm going to dump the letters into my fireplace today and just burn them since it's much more likely that the smoke signals might have a better chance of reaching you. 

The Final Month of 43

Today is the first day of September. 

In exactly one month, I will turn 44. 

I have mixed feelings on this. I am not afraid of getting older; I just feel there is so much more life I want to live than what I have allowed myself in the past. 

- I start a new job on the 23rd of this month. 

I am working on preparations for that. They include clearing out and redesigning my office and clearing all clutter from my home office. I am also studying different applications that I can incorporate into my new role that will preserve the good things they are already doing while streamlining and automating some of the tasks to help free up time for my team to focus on the more challenging tasks. 

- I am interested in someone who "isn't ready" to date...after he indicated that he wanted to pursue this thing earlier on. 

I know things change and people change their minds as they realize more about themselves. The breadcrumbing needs to stop. It hurts my feelings and makes me second-guess my own feelings and actions. 

I don't feel anything or do anything "lightly," so I mull over everything in true "overthinker" fashion. This is a personality trait - NOT a disorder - so I do not see therapy being a way to stop this behavior in me. This behavior generally keeps me safe because I will consider words and actions from every angle, and that helps me to discern what is safe, what is worth my time, and what is actually meaningful to all involved. 

- I started going to the gym again this morning a 5 AM, and I plan to continue that like I was doing prior to my trip back to Michigan in the spring. 

I was surprised how taxing it was to ride a stationary bike and walk on a tredmill this morning. Tomorrow should prove easier, and the day after that should be even easier. Fall is approaching quickly, and having enough stamina to go out for a hike some afternoons/evenings will be key to my calmness and happiness. 

- I started participating again in my online writing group last week, and I plan to attend regulary, going forward. 

I write daily in a journal, just as I have done since I was in elementary school. I want to return to doing more creative writing, and I want to surround myself with people who see possibility in ideas. I also want the drama in my life to be contained on pages of text rather than in my interactions with other people. 

- The community band I joined earlier this year ended up not panning out.

This actually made the summer much easier to navigate with an influx of work-related activities. 

- My ukulele group has some upcoming performances that I need to decide if I will attend. 

I enjoy performing music, especially as part of a group. It is also physically impossible to be angry or depressed while holding a ukulele, so that is an added benefit. 

- I make weekly (and sometimes, more frequent) trips to donate items from my house.

I like that the clutter is steadily disappearing from my little world here. I feel lighter and freer, just from the removal of ("benign")items, and I hope to keep lifting the sensation of having burdens this way. It's a starting point, and I am certain it will continue to free my mind. Another positive note is that it is easier to think about the future and where I am headed when I am not trapped by all my stuff.  

27

 Today's number is 27. 

I am choosing 27.

If you know what this means, great!

If you don't know what this means, that's okay, too! It shouldn't affect you in the slightest. 

Too Much and Not Enough

 A common theme in my relationships is this constant balancing act. I have been told I am "too much" in the same breath I have been told that I am also "not enough."

I am too much of some things and never enough of others, so it creates this strange dichotomy that results in never measuring up to what someone else is looking for, what someone needs, or what someone wants. 

News flash: I fall short of perfect...and sometimes I even fall short of good.

It does not mean that I don't expect more out of myself. I don't like some of the permanent changes I see in myself, and even one of my neuropsychologists told me that the trick will be to find new ways to try to control, mold, and even accept these parts that I consider "less than" what I want. 

- We pretend to be mature and confident in our teens. 

- Our twenties are full of mistakes and missed opportunities.

- We establish ourselves as true adults - separate from our youths - in our thirties. My thirties included relearning how to walk, read, and function like I did before. 

- It seems as though my forties are the start of just not giving a damn anymore about what others expect or want from me. My forties feel like they belong to me. 

It took a long time to even feel like me again, and I admit that I sometimes feel like I'm an imposter in my own life. I have all of my memories, all of my previous abilities, and a greater understanding and empathy for those going through serious medical issues. I think that damage to parts of my right hemisphere (although minimal and mostly healed) created a difference in me that is hard to come back from. (Humans typically feel connection to others and their own memories through signals in the right hemisphere of the brain.)

I have this new direction/opportunity in front of me, and I want it. 

The start of it felt slightly jarring, but not in a negative way. It was more like waking up.  

I was surprised, comfortable, and intrigued. It's familiar but new, and I just feel good. 

This feels like a fit; I am just worried about all the ways in which I will not be enough or will be too much. 

The last time I had this chance, I was without the (albeit mild) issues caused by a health problem in 2011, and I feel like I am competition with both my younger, more exciting, and more abled self and others who "measure up" in different, more exciting, and more experienced ways.