Letters and Smoke Signals

I write you letters, but I don't send them. 

I don't think you will ever be ready for what I really think of you and what you've done. I also think you have compartmentalized your emotions so well that it may not even register with you that you have done some heinous things to others. 

- When you participated in certain acts with (healed and possibly not-so-healed) adults who had been previously victimized as children, you contributed to their trauma and mental health problems, even if they say they are "fine." People behaving badly is a theme that needs to stop in our world. 

-  When you threw your antics in a former loved one's face - perhaps as a way to brag - you established a mindset that the entire history with that person did not matter and did not mean anything to you. She will never be able to view your shared past they way she did before. By acting the way you have, you have essentially destroyed the past, and each broken memory is starting to drift off like old fading smoke signals from a dying fire. 

- When you continued to ignore the red flags that I - and others - showed you...and then expect sympathy from us, it makes all of our concern and support seem unappreciated, not trusted, etc. Coming back from that is difficult because you did your Narcissistic partner's work by preemptively  discrediting us and now want us to support you as if you hadn't pushed us away and as if we weren't there trying to help you the entire time. 

I know people are flawed and make mistakes - I've made my own, too - and I try to rationalize your attitude, actions, and inaction in an effort to give you grace. I need to stop rationalizing and absorbing bad behavior. 

Sometimes, it's like you want me to accept your degenerate behavior asequal to my non-degenerate behavior. It just isn't, and asking me to believe in fiction like that is not how this is going to play out. 

You hurt me - and you hurt others - in ways you will never comprehend, and at this point, I don't think you even care to try to understand how your actions broke things in us, including trust.

It's no longer a question of trying to connect with and show you what you've done in hopes that you'll feel remorse and atone for your behavior. 

It's now about freeing myself from my perceived obligation to even try to help you grow into a better person. 

I think I'm going to dump the letters into my fireplace today and just burn them since it's much more likely that the smoke signals might have a better chance of reaching you.