I

I am not following through with the simplest of tasks.
I am not writing.
I am giving up on myself when it comes to yoga.
I don't force myself to exercise.
I feel divorced from my own logic.
I feel like I am stuck in the mud and nobody is helping to free me.
I feel like a failure because I need people to help me.
I have a messy home.
I am not an affectionate person.
I don't feel inspired by anything lately.
I am not knitting as quickly as I would like.
I don't cook the lavish dishes I am capable of preparing.
I take very little pride in myself.
I am not losing weight.
I worry about what everyone else thinks of me.
I still haven't unpacked boxes from two years ago when I moved here.
I am unmarried...still.
I don't own my own house.
I haven't achieved all the things I thought I would by this age.
I am overwhelmed by life.
I have friends who aren't really there for me the way I am there for them.
I have trust issues.
I no longer care about politics - I've lost all interest and faith in our system.
I would disappear to another part of the world if I could take my cats with me.
I expect too much from my fiance.
I expect others to care about me.
I hate talking to my mother on the phone.
I want a job in the TC area, and I think I have an way in. I just need to act on it.
I have boxes and bags ready to donate, but I am too lazy to drop them off.
I don't play the piano anymore.
I haven't set up my new drum set yet, and I've had it since January.
It wouldn't matter if I shut off my phone for a few days. I only get a text message every once in a while, anyway.
I hate being plain.
I am not who I want to be right now.

Patience and Determination

I do not have the patience and determination necessary to accomplish the tasks I've created for myself. I don't know if it is the transition to my summer vacation or what, but it is starting to really upset me. I need the regimented life of a full-time job. I accomplish so much more when I wake early, complete tasks throughout the day, and then come home and complete tasks for myself.

I do recognize that I've accomplished some things, including rearranging my bedroom, obsessively scrubbing my kitchen and bathroom, laundry, dishes, sorting many papers for teaching next year - I've decided to plan the entire year and place all pages in a binder. I've also decided to include elements of cultural literacy to help students make connections between what is just expected of them to know and the literature and writing skills that they need to build. I think starting high school, especially in honors classes, needs to focus on the ideas that shape our culture and why we value so much diversity in literature and writing. I just hate that it is coming together quickly.

I really dislike how I am now determined to find instant gratification in this. That is one element of our culture that I've always felt needed to change, but I've changed instead. I need to get back into yoga. When I go to the gym today, I think I will pick up a schedule of group exercise, so that I can make sure I am doing yoga two or three times a week. It helps so much with weight loss for me - I can tone everything I've been exercising. Also, I tend to be more focused in my daily tasks and writing. The balance and flexibility make me less clumsy.

I should also go to cardio step classes and such. I tend to push myself when I feel that this is competition, even if the competition is against myself - to not look stupid or fat in front of others.

Right now, though, I think I will make myself some breakfast - something healthy...Cheerios, maybe, or steamed grits (even though they taste better fried), some fresh fruit...perhaps I should just plan all of my meals and snacks today and line them up in the fridge.

Credit

My credit score is terrific! I am just irritated that my apartment complex entered my name incorrectly and therefore, it appears that I have an alias. I have to call and get that cleared up. All they did was put things in the wrong order, but still...I don't need any extra hassles when I apply for a house loan or anything.


Today is such a beautiful day. I feel bad that Jeremy and I didn't enjoy it more. I took my car in for maintenance, and then we went to my parents' house for lunch (we were actually going to take my mom to the Strawberry Festival so that she could get an elephant ear or funnel cake, but she didn't want to go). Jeremy and I came home and tried to have one of those conversations that only I initiate - you know, the ones that examine what direction we are going, if things are really headed down the right path, yada yada yada. It didn't result in an argument; on the contrary, we actually tried to figure some things out. Then we parked in front of the TV and watched DEA on Spike.

TV = Soma

Just Wondering

Is it possible to experience "happy" and "unhappy" at the same time? Wouldn't they cancel each other out? Or do they get compartmentalized (which doesn't happen with anger - I know if I experience anger, I am completely angry).

Just want to hear your thoughts out there.