I have a cold. It's not the worst cold I've ever suffered through, but every cold is miserable to some extent. I feel that I wasted all of my Saturday. I drank lots of fluids and slept most of the day.
I woke early this morning and bundled up to walk myself to the store for cold medicine. I prefer Advil Cold & Sinus, so I headed to the pharmacy area, silently hoping I wouldn't have to go through all of the hassle of showing an ID, signing a statement, etc., but no such luck. The woman scanning everything couldn't seem to get things moving quickly, which is quite bothersome when one is already feeling irritable and uncomfortable.
I was pleased with myself for having walked to the store. I was also pleased that, when I reached home, I brought in the glass top for my patio furniture as well as the umbrella. I have been putting that off for some time now. I think I was hoping for more unseasonably warm days. I have yet to bring in the chairs, table stand, and umbrella stand. I don't yet have a place for those items in my basement.
I took a couple of the Advil pills and sat down to read the post cards on Postsecret. I started this Sunday morning ritual years ago, always searching for my secret - NOT that I have ever sent one in, but one from someone else who simply has experienced the same things and feels the same about life right now. I still have not found anyone that matches completely. It makes me feel alone.
Perhaps I should write in. I don't know what I would say, though. I have a tendency to blurt things out, even when I know what I say will hurt others. I don't like holding back.
My major problem is that I don't know where I belong. Do I belong in some other country at this point in my life? Do I belong here? Who am I supposed to spend New Year's Eve with? How will I know if I am making the right choices for my life? I'm constantly unsure of myself. I cannot recall a time when I felt so uncertain. Do I really want to keep teaching in K-12? Do I care enough to teach? Why do I feel empty at work? Why am I holding other people's secrets? Why do I have to keep them secret in my decision-making process for everything in my life? I feel weighed down by other people's circumstances, and yes, while I do believe that we are ultimately responsible for any and all of the garbage we are in as individuals, I can't help but feel that my emotions and my logic are constantly battling over these things.
The Advil has kicked in. I know this because I am starting to cry. I wish that medication affected me in normal ways - just alleviating symptoms of different ailments. Lucky me, everything has an odd effect. Sudafed makes me giggly and unable to focus on things. It makes my ears ring, as well. NyQuil keeps me awake. DayQuil makes me shaky and drowsy, but it's difficult to fall asleep without having nightmares. Benadryl makes my eyes hurt. Tylenol makes my stomach ache. Advil makes me weepy. Cough drops discolor my teeth and wear away the enamel very quickly (my dentist has told me I shouldn't use them at all). Store brands also have funky effects, too. I should submit to testing at U of M or something. I'm sure that I probably have some weird chemistry in my brain or some hormone is not being produced the right way. In any case, I think I will enjoy my sobbing because I can still move around and get some work done.
Sorry for the rant. It's been a while.
Oh, universe, please give me a sign. Tell me what I am supposed to do with my life.
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