Enough Analysis

The notion that it is summer vacation has officially sunken in. The trip to the Badlands, Yellowstone, and the Grand Tetons gave me distance and time to think. I have a much clearer picture in my mind of what I want, and yes, much of the change I want to have happen must take place within me.

I didn't feel I missed anyone on my trip. I am not accustomed to not feeling some sort of longing for companionship. I've spent so much my social life going from one long-term relationship to another that I haven't necessarily given myself the much-needed healing time in between them.

Last year, I toyed with the idea of a new relationship too early. I sensed this, but I desperately wanted to feel that there was someone there. I didn't know how to stand alone. It's so strange, too, because I've often felt alone in relationships and have projected a very independent persona.

I didn't feel alone on my trip this summer. In fact, I felt as though I had all I really needed. I am healthy again, despite the high body fat count. The vitamin deficiency that caused problem after problem for me physically and mentally is now completely under control. Yay for that.

I kept beating myself up over not feeling what others wanted me to feel. I felt some emotions quite deeply, but I've reached the point where I can recognize that even though those feelings were things I experienced, they are not everything. I do not have to feel bad about having them or not having them. I constantly want to make other people happy, and I strive to do this on a regular basis. That's not healthy. It's great to try to make someone else's life better, but if they don't do the same for me AND I am not doing the same for myself, then all hope is lost.

I still struggle with the idea that I am upsetting others. I feel like it's my job to fix it, but it can't be. Things don't always work out. I have accepted this, and I no longer want to beat myself up over the issue.

I've started living my life on a day-to-day basis. It's fun to think that I can just enjoy each day rather than try to figure out what to do to make it fit into some larger bracket of time or experiences. The spontaneity is helping me to visit with old friends. If I were to plan such events, I'd put pressure on them and myself to make the event feel a certain way. I refuse to do that. I haven't done that since, perhaps, April or May and my life has grown infinitely better. I'm happier. My friends are happier. They surprise me. I surprise them. It all works out.

Okay, I think I've had enough analysis of my own behavior. It's time to rest. Walking in the morning. I hope to find a new cool spot in this town. And I hope for more spontaneous moments with friends soon.